End of the Road

S02E02

The day, Hazel is sitting at her kitchen table, staring into space and looking worried. For no apparent reason, she picks up the phone and calls Stuart's office. "Stuart Jones's office," Sandra answers. "Sandra, it's Hazel." "Oh, I'll have to stop saying that. It's not his office anymore, is it?" Sandra asks rhetorically. She tells Hazel to make sure Vince keeps in touch. "I bet he's going to miss him. It's like a morgue in here," she says. "Miss who?" asks a confused Hazel.

Stuart, meanwhile, has packed his bags and tosses the keys to his flat to an estate agent. "Sell it," he says as he keeps on walking.

At work, Vince turns off his mobile before heading into a big meeting, which means Hazel can't get through to tell him Stuart's leaving. She gets the number for the supermarket out of the Yellow Pages, and when she finally gets through, Graham answers the phone and starts asking her questions about whether or not she was in the store on the day of his and Vince's interviews. Hazel hangs up and runs out of the house with Bernie, forcing him to drive her to the supermarket, where Vince is giving a presentation to all of the employees -- including Graham and Mrs. Fletcher, the personnel director -- about some in-store changes. Hazel creeps in to the back of the room, distracting Vince from his schpiel. She makes her way to an overhead projector and starts putting transparencies on it: "STUART'S LEAVING," then, "FOREVER," followed by, "NOW!!!" and, finally, "YOU TWAT!" Mrs. Fletcher interrupts an increasingly distracted Vince's speech, saying, "If you could finish, we've got a store to run." She then notices Hazel in the back of the room. "Mrs. Peele?" asks Mrs. Fletcher. "Mrs. Tyler," Graham corrects. "It's Tyler-Peele; we're from Cheshire," Hazel responds. (And that is the sound of that joke whizzing over the heads of ninety per cent of the people reading this. Nice breeze, though.) Graham tells Mrs. Fletcher to ask Hazel about what happened on the fourteenth of that month, but is roundly ignored. "For God's sake, Stuart's leaving! He's not coming back!" Hazel cries. "I know. I'm not stupid," Vince responds. And once again, I'm going to have to invoke my veto power on that one. "He's going to London!" Hazel continues frantically. "And it's about time he did. Just leave it!" Vince tells her. Graham, getting his knickers in a big old knot, further presses Mrs. Fletcher to talk to Hazel about the events of the fourteenth. "I demand you talk to this...creature," he says disdainfully. "Oi! That's my mother!" shouts Vince. "And that is your problem, Vince," Graham responds. "Graham, as a friend of mine is very fond of saying, fuck off," a very pissed-off Vince replies. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he's made a huge mistake. "Oh, that's nice!" Graham crows. "That's how the deputy manager reacts! Listen to that! What an example! Fine family -- all of them!" Vince looks at Graham evenly. "You know what? He's right: 'Fuck off' isn't enough," Vince says, calling out to Marcie. "The floor is yours," he tells her, "and the subject is Christmas '99." Marcie makes her way to the dais. "Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Right, point of order," she says authoritatively. "If Graham Beck is so keen on the truth, then why doesn't he try telling his fiancée that Christmas '99, he shagged me in refrigeration?" she asks gleefully. "I knew it!" shouts Sally, Graham's fiancée, jumping up. "Or maybe it just felt like refrigeration," Marcie cracks as Graham denies everything. "Small dick?" she asks Sally. "That's him!" Sally cries. "Come here, you bastard!" she yells, running over to Graham and commencing to beat the shit out of him in front of everyone as Mrs. Fletcher tries to pull her off him. Vince looks at Hazel. "Bang," he says with a smile. The two of them flee the room and jog down the corridor. Rosalie runs after them and asks Vince where he's going. "London. Oh my God, I'm going to London! See ya!" He and Hazel get in the car and drive off, even though Hazel doesn't have her license and it means leaving Bernard -- clad only in his bathrobe -- in the middle of the parking lot.

we see Janice at Hazel's standing outside in the middle of the day, talking about how she's doing a family meal for Nathan's birthday, but he's still insisting on a party on Canal Street. As Janice tells Hazel that Nathan will be dropping by after school to discuss the party, a silver compact car pulls up and Stuart's mother, Margaret, climbs out. "Hello, stranger," Hazel says as Margaret approaches somewhat hesitantly. It's been six or seven years since they've seen each other, and Margaret asks if she's interrupting anything. "No, I thought you'd pop by," Hazel tells her. "Two more mothers; we'll be selling jam!"

Inside, the three of them sit at the kitchen table, smoking cigarettes and having a natter. Hazel tells Margaret that she knew Vince was gay when he was fourteen. Margaret asks her when she knew that Stuart was gay. "About the same time," Hazel responds sympathetically. Janice says she realized when Nathan was only eleven years old. "I did," she emphasizes. "When I'm on supply teaching, you go into a school, and there's a boy, just sitting there. And it's shining out of him." Janice asks Margaret if she ever suspected that Stuart liked boys. "I must have done. Must've," she says, as if she's trying to recover a repressed memory. "No...I don't think I did." "Try not to think about the arse thing. People tend not to like the arse thing," Hazel tells her. "Well I'm not trying it again," Janice says, and is greeted with silence. "The arse thing," she clarifies, to hoots of laughter from Hazel and Margaret. "Janice Maloney! Not with Roy!" Hazel asks incredulously. "Oh, yes, Mr. High and Mighty!" Or, as I prefer to call him, Mr. The Anus is for Shit. So maybe that quote was just down to him being jealous of Nathan for getting regular field trips to Cadbury Crescent. Either way, sad man. "I quite like it myself," Hazel comments, referring to anal sex. "You can read a book at the same time." Yeah, I hear Ruptured Colons and You is a good read. (Just kidding. There's only so much I'm willing to say about this topic, in the interest of my modesty and your appetites, kids.) Everyone laughs, and then Janice and Hazel fall silent, glancing at Margaret. "Well don't look at me," she tells them. "It's a foreign language." Janice tells her she's got a lot to learn about this gay thing. "Still, I've got Stuart to thank for that," she says. "Did, uh...?" Margaret can't quite ask if her if their sons have bumped uglies. "With Nathan? Yes," Janice answers. "That's nice," Margaret says. Aw, she's trying. That's cute. "What does Nathan do?" she asks. Before Janice can answer, Hazel interrupts and says he's a student. Margaret asks Janice what he's studying. "Your son, mostly," she replies. He may be studying Stuart, but I think it's safe to say that he's teaching the class on being an annoying-ass little punk. Just then, Nathan enters the house and calls out, "Hiya!" Hazel looks panicked, and says she'll go tell him to sod off. Before she can get to him, he bounds in the room and opens the fridge, babbling the entire time about how long it took him to get home, how the buses were so crowded and how he thinks Via Fossa would be the best venue for his party. "This is Nathan," Janice says to Margaret. "My son. It's his birthday on Friday; we're having a party. His sixteenth." Margaret registers the most emotional non-reaction ever.

Over on Canal Street, Stuart is standing in his flat with his back to his father, holding Alfred protectively. Clive suggests that it's probably best that Stuart not come to the upcoming lunch at Marie's new house. He says that Margaret is at Romey's every other day, so she'll have plenty of chances to see Alfred. "It's just me, then," Stuart states. Clive says they'll get together, all of them, month, but Stuart should just give it time. He tells Stuart that his mother is trying to make sense of it, but she can't, and she's blaming herself. "I told her, it just happens. Some boys grow up to be...bastards." I want so much to laugh at that line, because -- no doubt about it -- Stuart is a bastard, but right now I just feel sorry for him. Clive shows himself out of the flat, Stuart remaining fixed to the spot.

The very shot is of Stuart's Jeep racing down the street, and we hear Alexander saying, "Who cares if he's dying? I don't give a toss! Not me, no way!" With an angry calm, Stuart tells him he's going to see his father. "We're all going to see him." The three of them walk down the hospital corridor and eventually meet up with Alexander's mother, who looks not unlike a weasel wearing an Anna Wintour wig. Alexander apologizes for being late, saying there was a queue on the ring road and asks how his father is. Hmm, is this too sombre a scene for me to make some horrible pun about the term "ring road," or no? Mrs. Perry says he's sleeping, but tells him there are some things they need to sort out "in private." Either not understanding or not caring what she's said, Stuart and Vince follow after Alexander and his mother as they head for the hospital tea bar. Surrounded by shelves of prawn mayonnaise sandwiches and Tango machines, Alexander's mother says that she and his father discussed this issue last year, and that if anything happens to him, she would obviously inherit everything. However, she needs Alexander to sign some papers, saying he won't make a claim on any of his father's money or assets. "Jeezis!" Vince exclaims quietly. "I don't want his money," Alexander says. "No problem signing it, then," Mrs. Perry responds, handing him a pen. As Stuart silently watches the scene unfold, Vince advises Alexander not to sign it and to get a lawyer. "That'll never hold up in court," he says. "I don't care," Alexander replies, signing the forms. "Thanks, Mum," he says, handing the pen back to his mother, who just glares at him. Back in the corridor, Alexander changes his mind about seeing his father. He tells his mother that he's got things to do, and since she's got his signature, he'll be going. The three of them start walking down the hall, when Stuart suddenly turns and stares at Mrs. Perry. "What?" she asks. Stuart walks toward her, forms his hand into the shape of a gun, and presses his first and second fingers -- the barrel of the gun -- to Mrs. Perry's forehead. She stays still and responds with sustained heavy breathing...a reaction we can safely say Stuart has never elicited from a woman prior to this moment. "Maybe time," he says ominously, a grin on his face, then turns and walks away. Vince pulls on his arm, telling him there's no point in making it worse. "Coward," Stuart says accusatorily.

And the thing we see is...Stuart lying naked with another guy, giving him what appears to be a vigorous and expertly executed handjob. As the other man lies gasping and moaning, he tells Stuart that he's on medication for his stomach. "It makes me spunk...makes me spunk..." He tries to finish the sentence, but can't do it before the money shot. "Makes me spunks..." Stuart looks down at his hand. "Orange," he says, finishing the guy's sentence. Extreme close-up on Stuart as he laughs heartily. Let's just say that Stuart's a lot more easygoing than I would be if I found myself in such a situation. Here's hoping I never get the chance to find out.

Vince, meanwhile, has actually been picked up. By another man. Who wants to have sex with him. Gee, the surprises just keep coming, don't they? His companion for the night tells Vince to excuse him while he brushes his teeth, as he had garlic bread with his dinner. As Vince makes his way towards the guy's bedroom, he hears gagging and choking noises coming from the bathroom. He goes back to check on things, and the man apologizes, saying that he can't stand toothbrushes. "Oh my GOD, is that the time?" Vince asks, dashing out of the flat.

And in yet another shocking development, Nathan is playing hard-to-get with some fine young thing, while they sit in a car in front of the Maloney home, snogging each other's faces off. "I'd better go," Nathan keeps saying, while the boy begs him to stay one more minute and then accidentally honks the horn, waking up the entire neighbourhood. Nathan relates this story to Stuart and Vince in the Union, hoping for some amazed reaction, only to be greeted with disinterest and ridicule. "That's it? That's the punchline?" asks Vince. "He gets toothbrush man, I get a guy with spunk like a Teletubby, and you haven't even started yet!" Stuart says dismissively. "So young," laments Vince mockingly. Nathan says that he doesn't know whether he should call the boy in question, or wait for him to call, and asks Stuart what he should do. "Well, uh, how the fuck should I know?" Stuart asks, taking a drink of his whiskey. "He's never phoned anyone!" exclaims Vince. Nathan says he should still know "how it works." "Problem page -- 'Dear Stuart' -- HAH!" Vince cracks. "Shut up," mutters Stuart. "Wise old man, that's you," Vince continues jokingly. "You're so not funny," Stuart tells him, clearly annoyed. "He's pissed off," Vince says with a faux startled expression, and he is. The truth hurts, eh?

The day, Vince is standing in the hallway at work, waiting to be called in for his interview. Graham appears, and Vince wishes him luck. "You too," Graham says. "May the best man, heh, and all that," he snorts, breezing past Vince. Rosalie and Marcie approach and tell Vince that Graham's bought three hundred quids' worth of shares in the company, and just happened to mention it to the personnel manager, Mrs. Fletcher.

Outside in the store parking lot, Hazel and Bernard are creeping between the cars, looking for one with the Virgin Mary on the dashboard. Bernie tells Vince that Vince will kill her if he finds out what they're doing. "We need this promotion more than he does," Hazel hisses. "If you spent more money on rent, and less on rentboys...!" Suddenly she spots the car they're looking for, and they purposefully jolt the car to set off the alarm, then scurry away to Bernard's babyshit green MG. Graham -- for it is his car -- comes out to turn off the alarm. Here's where I am completely let down by my minimal knowledge of car thieving, because I don't know exactly how they do it, but somehow Hazel and Bernard are able to capture the signal from Graham's car alarm with what appears to be a digital watch, and then use said watch to unlock the car once Graham goes back inside the store. Understand? If so, you're one up on me.

Anyway, they get into Graham's car and leave a pile of porn magazines spread out in the back window. Hazel goes inside the store, finds Mrs. Fletcher and brings her outside to the car, complaining that children could have been walking by and seen such a sick display. Mrs. Fletcher frowns, obviously recognizing Graham's car, then thanks Hazel for her help goes back inside. The thing we see is Mrs. Fletcher walking down the hall, closely followed by Vince and Graham, as she tells them that there's only one job and it's just a shame they both couldn't have succeeded in winning it. Vince turns away, then walks over to the balcony to look down on Rosalie and Marcie, who search his face for some indication of how things went. Vince stares at them blankly, then raises his fists in victory, punching the air. Rosalie and Marcie start dancing around, grabbing an elderly customer and celebrating Vince's promotion.

That night, Vince, Stuart and Nathan are having a drink when Stuart floats the idea of them all having a threesome. Yeah, that suggestion always comes out when I go down the pub with my friends. ["I had to stop going to pubs for exactly that reason." -- Wing Chun] Nathan says he's up for it, and Stuart looks to Vince, saying he thinks this would be the perfect threesome. "I'd rather have a wank," Vince says dryly. "See, that's the problem with Vince," Stuart tells Nathan. "He doesn't want sex -- he wants a wife." Nathan and Stuart dissolve into giggles, and Vince says defensively, "Whoever ends up with me is a very lucky man." "God help him," Stuart cracks, raising his glass. "What's all this in aid of?" Vince wonders, obviously a bit hurt. "Well you're not exactly a good catch or anything, are you?" asks Stuart. "And I suppose you are?" Vince shoots back. "Well nobody's gonna catch me," Stuart smiles, then asks Nathan how many men he's been with so far. Nathan says it must be about seven, and Stuart brags that he must have had about two thousand and seven. "Yeah? Well that means I've got two thousand to go. How many have you got left?" a grinning Nathan asks pointedly. Stuart, for once, is speechless, but laughs anyway.

At school the day, Nathan and his classmates are outside a locked classroom, waiting for their teacher to arrive and let them in. Christian Hobbs and another annoying pillock seize the opportunity to start in on Nathan, asking him if he's having his birthday party on Canal Street. "I've seen him," Christian says. "That's where he goes with all his little queer friends." At this point, Nathan should have asked him what the fuck he was doing hanging out in a gay bar, but he doesn't. The other nasty boy says that Nathan's been looking at them in the showers and tossing himself off. "I'd sooner toss myself off a cliff," Nathan retorts. "He's got a stiffy! Look at him!" Christian cries. "Yeah, and you'd know all about that," answers Nathan as the teacher appears to unlock the classroom. "He fancies me! Sir, Nathan Maloney fancies me!" Christian shouts, pointing at Nathan. "He's a poof! Sir, he's a queer!" Nathan looks at his teacher in total disbelief that he's not doing anything or saying anything to stop the abuse. "Look in his handbag, I bet he's got lipstick," Christian says, grabbing his rucksack. "Piss off!" Nathan yells. "Enough of that language!" his teacher snarls. "Me?! What about them?" Nathan demands incredulously. "I said that's enough," the teacher responds.

Later on that night, Hazel brings out a bottle of amaretto to help everyone get in the mood for Nathan's party. Alexander sits quietly at the kitchen table, and turns down the offer of a drink, and Stuart tells them to have fun, as he'll be babysitting Alfred while they're at Via Fossa. "You should bring Alfred. It's a kids' party -- [Jell-O] and ice cream!" Vince quips. When the doorbell rings, Alexander says it's for him, picks up his bag and answers the door. "Did somebody call for an ambulance?" a paramedic asks as the blue lights from the emergency vehicle flash. Alexander says it was him, hands her a bottle and says he only took the pills ten minutes ago. Hazel and Vince rush to the door. "He's only gone and done it again," Hazel says, going with Alexander in the ambulance to the hospital. "Stupid fucking cunt," Stuart spits, putting Alfred in his carrier and hauling him out to the Jeep. "Where are we going?" asks Vince, who's sitting in the passenger's seat. "Let's go tell his mother the good news," Stuart replies angrily.

At Via Fossa, Nathan is hoping for Stuart to show when Sandra appears, gives a wave and heads straight for the bar. He walks over and asks her if Stuart's coming, to which Sandra replies that unless it has to do with his dry cleaning, Stuart doesn't tell her anything. "But do you think he'll come?" Nathan presses. "Not if he's found something better, no," Sandra replies brightly.

Stuart's actually standing beside his Jeep, in the middle of the street in an upscale neighbourhood. Vince is in front of him, desperation in his eyes and voice. "Don't. Let's go home," he says pleadingly. "Does she deserve it?" Stuart asks. "You'll make it worse," Vince tells him. "Does she deserve it?" Stuart repeats. "You can't!" Vince responds in a forceful, if hushed, whisper. "Watch me." Vince looks at Stuart with a mixture of exasperation and annoyance. "Yeah. You'd like that. I've spent years watching you," he says before turning and walking down the street. "Coward!" Stuart calls after him. "Coward!" we see Stuart underneath a car, unscrewing a cap and letting a gush of petrol rush out of the tank. Alexander's mother comes to the door to find Stuart standing in front of her. "I've got a message from your son," he says with a grin. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't come to my house. I don't think we have anything to say to each other," Mrs. Perry says tersely. "Just one thing," Stuart says, pausing for effect. "Bang." An explosion bellows through the night air as the Perrys' Jaguar goes up in flames, the force of the blast momentarily knocking Stuart to his knees. (And yes, I'm pretty sure it's some kind of record for the least amount of time he's spent in that position.) Stuart smiles throughout all of this, as Mrs. Perry covers her mouth and recoils in horror. He then walks to the Jeep, winks at Alfred -- who's been sitting in his car seat all this time -- and drives off as neighbours begin to come out of their houses and observe the spectacle.

When Nathan spots Vince at his party, he says, "Don't tell me. Stuart hasn't bothered." Vince covers for him and says he was upstairs, but left for a minute and is coming back. "Yeah, I bet," Nathan replies before going back to dancing. Stuart arrives a bit later, and Nathan asks if he got him a present, Stuart answering in the negative. "Get me a mobile phone if you want," Nathan tells him as he walks away to find Vince sitting in a booth on his own, smoking and staring straight ahead. He looks up to see Stuart, who has an intense look on his face. "Bang!" he says. "Oh...shit," Vince barely chokes out. Stuart asks him to come back to his place, and Vince says he has to stay with Hazel, who's worn out from accompanying Alexander to the hospital. Stuart says they should both come back to his, and Vince remains silent. "She deserved it," Stuart tells him defensively. "I know!" Vince cries, jumping up to face Stuart. "But just tell her to fuck off! You always tell them to fuck off!" "It's not enough anymore," responds Stuart, shaking his head. "It is! You can't just...I've got people relying on me," Vince explains to him in a quiet rage. "Mum and that house...I end up paying the mortgage every other month. That lot don't earn tuppence! I can't...You're on your own," he says sadly. "Suits me," Stuart replies abrasively. "You're just straight, Vince. You're a straight man who fucks men -- that's all." Vince looks pissed off, but turns and walks away, saying nothing.

Monday morning at school, Nathan walks into class when everyone else is already seated and his teacher is taking attendance. When he spots Nathan, the teacher asks him, "What time do you call this?" Nathan looks at his watch. "One minute past nine, sir. Why?" he asks. "Because you're late, that's why." Christian Hobbs decides to stir: "How was the party? Did you get it shoved up your arse all night?" he asks, to explosive laughter from the class. "He probably can't even sit down," comments the other nasty boy. The teacher, shockingly, tells them to settle down and continues calling roll, each student answering with an obedient "Here." When he gets to "Maloney," Nathan leans forward in his chair. "Queer," he answers. "Beg your pardon?" his teacher asks. "I said 'queer,'" Nathan tells him. "I'm aware of that," replies the teacher. "Oh, that's a miracle," Nathan says sarcastically. "Cos they say it and you don't hear a thing." "I don't like the tone of your voice," his teacher responds, clearly annoyed at being shown up in front of the class. "I don't like yours," Nathan shoots back. "If you want to make something out of this, sir, that's fine with me. Go on, send me to the headmaster. I'd love it. There's plenty I can tell him. And get my mother in -- she'd love it. She'd love to meet you, sir. D'you wanna do that? Go on -- take it further," Nathan dares him. The teacher stares at Nathan, looks around the class and then resumes taking attendance. Nathan leans back in his chair, triumphant.

Stuart is lounging around his flat in a bathrobe when he sees a police car pulling up to the curb downstairs. He goes to a set of cabinets and takes out several gay magazines, which he scatters on top of the coffee table. Sitting down with the police officers, Stuart leans back into the couch, spreads his legs a bit and sips his coffee, telling them he saw some shady kids hanging around Mrs. Perry's house that night. When the cops say that Mrs. Perry didn't see any kids, Stuart replies, "Sweetheart, I don't even know how to boil an egg. How the fuck do you blow up a car?" He tells the officers to tell Mrs. Perry he will be suing her for damages that his Jeep sustained as a result of the blast. The men tell him that Alexander's mother doesn't want to press charges, and that they think there are some family issues she'd rather keep quiet, but that it's not up to her whether the police prosecute for criminal damage. "We won't be letting it drop," one of the officers says. Stuart tells them he should give them his card, as he won't be around Manchester for much longer. He lifts the lid on a small box that rests on the coffee table, rifling through the contents and tossing packets of Liquid Silk and condoms onto the table while searching for the card. Stuart informs them that he's moving to London: "The clubs are fab," he says with a smile.

Later that day, Stuart meets Romey for coffee and tells her the news. She assures him that he'll still get to see Alfred a lot, because she has a project in Brixton and is down there all the time. "So what's brought this about?" she asks. "Big fish in a small pond. So small!" Stuart mutters. "I'm friends with a sixteen-year-old boy. It's time to leave." Romey says Vince could get transferred to a store down in London, and Stuart tells her Vince would only hold him back. "Standing there, disapproving." Romey smiles. "And you love it," she says. Stuart says that Vince just isn't good enough, and Romey jokes that they're like an old married couple. "Except we're not shagging," Stuart replies. "That's a married couple," she grins. "Another reason to go," Stuart asserts. Romey says she bets Vince moves to London, and asks him what he said when Stuart broke the news. Stuart is silent. "Go on, what's he said?" He looks at her, still silent. "For Christ's sake, you haven't even told him!"

That night on Canal Street, Janice goes up to the bar for drinks and finds Stuart standing to her. She asks him if he's going clubbing later, so she'll know where Nathan will be. "Don't know what he sees in you," she tells Stuart, not completely serious. "Yeah you do," Stuart replies, smirking. "Well, that's not what I'd call a hairstyle. And as for the walk..." Stuart thanks her, to which Janice responds, "Pleasure. Time was, Nathan thought you were boyfriend material. Now you're better than that -- you're God." Stuart asks her what he's supposed to do about that -- leave? "Oh, don't you dare! He'll only follow," she says, walking away with her drinks and leaving him with the bill. In the loo, Nathan is washing his hands when Stuart walks in and leans against the wall, saying that he never did give Nathan a birthday present. Nathan flicks water in Stuart's face and says, "I'll have a mobile phone." Stuart replies that he can do better than that, looking pointedly in the direction of the toilets. Inside the stall, Nathan pins Stuart to the wall, holding him still with his forearm across his chest. "Sixteen," Stuart hisses. "Shut up!" Nathan tells him as he gives Stuart a handjob. He doesn't, er, last long, and as Nathan wipes his hand clean with a bit of toilet paper, Stuart looks sheepish and humiliated. He offers to finish him off, but Nathan tells him it's okay and leaves.

Stuart holds his sad, shamed expression for a beat after Nathan walks out of the stall, then smiles and does a little dance. Another day, another orgasm scammed from an unsuspecting victim. But enough about your mom...(Thank you, ladies and gentlemen; I'll be here all week.) As Nathan emerges from the loo and walks through the bar, we see all of the eligible men in a slow blur as they ogle him, who is clearly set to become the King of Canal Street. Janice tells her that she's going home, and that he can call her if he needs a ride home. Nathan says he'll probably go to Dante's, and Janice adds, "With Stuart." Nathan, looking around at the talent on offer, smiles and says, "I don't know. It's dead embarrassing being seen with him all the time." He leans in closer and says conspiratorially, "Up close, he's looking dead old." Janice laughs and says Stuart would kill him if he knew he'd said that. "He wouldn't have the strength," Nathan replies, still smiling. So, either the toilet incident was just Stuart being Stuart, or Stuart ensuring that Nathan wouldn't follow when he leaves. How you see it depends, I guess, on how much credit you want to give Stuart.

At Dante's, Stuart and Vince stand on a balcony in the middle of the club and trade jibes about the different guys they know who are there. Finally, Stuart says he has to be up early in the morning, as he's going to London. Ignoring him, Vince points out another bloke he can take the piss out of. "I've had him," Stuart tells him. "You've had them all," Vince says. "Been here far too long," replies Stuart. "You're telling me," Vince shoots back, not understanding what Stuart's trying to tell him. I actually think it's really endearing to see Stuart have a difficult time breaking someone's heart, for once. Maybe he does have a heart -- who knew? "I should go," Stuart tells Vince, before spotting a gorgeous young boy on the floor below. "But then again...One last fling," he says gleefully. "Good luck. Not that you'll need it," Vince offers. As they watch the boy in question make his way through the crowd, he arrives at Nathan's feet and the two start snogging. Vince dies laughing, unable to control himself. He's suddenly made it very easy on Stuart to rip his heart out. "Do you remember that little friend of his?" Stuart asks, turning to face Vince. "That girl. He didn't need her in the end. His best friend -- he didn't need her. Clever boy," he says with a grin. Vince is silent. "I'm off. London calling." "London?" asks Vince. "Yeah." "Been here far too long," Vince repeats, understanding what Stuart was trying to tell him all along. Stuart nods. "Still, we've had a laugh," Vince remarks. "And the rest," Stuart replies. "See ya, then," Vince says casually. "Not if I see you first," promises Stuart.

Stuart, meanwhile, has packed his bags and tosses the keys to his flat to an estate agent. "Sell it," he says as he keeps on walking.

As Vince and Hazel reach the town centre, their progress comes to a sudden halt when they come upon a parade of children playing kazoos. It makes a horrible cacophony, prompting Vince to ask, "Who the FUCK invented the kazoo?" Hazel closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to come to terms with the fact that this parade is all that stands between Vince and a future with Stuart. "Sixteen years, you two," she mutters. "Nathan Maloney was just being born," smiles Vince. Hazel sighs again. "Remind me again -- who was it [who] taught you to drive?" Vince asks her. "Stuart Alan Jones, my fortieth birthday," Hazel answers, as if she's suddenly remembering. "And how much did you learn?" Hazel looks serious. "I learned the lot," she responds, kicking the car into gear and driving straight through the parade, bodies flying and cop cars descending. As Hazel is pursued through the streets of Manchester by the police, we see Stuart loading up his Jeep, seemingly taking his time, perhaps waiting on someone. In the meantime, Hazel turns the car down an alleyway, only to be cut off by a reversing lorry. Vince tells the police that he really can't stick around, but the officer, PC Stroud, tells him that neither he nor Hazel are going anywhere. Hazel, whose orange hair, orange skin and orange fleece (what is it with the QaF people and orange?) make her look like a big carrot, tells PC Stroud that if she's going to get locked up, it may as well be worthwhile. "How's that, then?" he asks. Hazel replies by punching him in the face as Vince stands by, dumbfounded. "Run, you daft bastard!" she screams at him, and he does just that.

When Vince rounds the corner to where Stuart is standing by his Jeep, his back to Vince, Stuart says, "Nice try. You're not coming." "I'll do what I like," Vince tells him. "You're not. Cos it'll just be you and me," Stuart says, turning to face him. "Stuart and Vince, and old married couple, not a shag in sight. And I'm not settling down -- ever." Vince smiles. "London's rubbish. Kids go to London," he teases. "Where else?" asks Stuart. Vince then rambles on about how he's been thinking about it for years, and they should just go out, dematerialize, new planet...uh, basically, it's all a bunch of Doctor Who-inspired blathering, so I didn't bother to transcribe it word for word. My notes just say: "V: Blah, blah Doctor Whocakes." Sorry. "Says the supermarket boy," mocks Stuart when Vince finally hushes. "I'm on the run -- from the police," Vince tells him, ripping off his work nametag and tossing it in the gutter. "Don't be so camp," Stuart says. "Watch it," Vince tells him with a smile. "All those dependents of yours," Stuart reminds Vince. "They'll survive." "And I won't?" Stuart asks. Vince steps forward and loses the joking edge to his voice. "You might not," he says seriously. "No passengers, Vince. You let me down, I'll kill you," Stuart threatens. "Not if I kill you first," Vince replies. Stuart smiles at him. "So what are we waiting for?" Vince asks. Stuart continues to smile, pulling his mobile phone from his pocket.

As the camera pans up, we see a blurry Nathan over his shoulder, and -- as if he's right on cue -- Stuart tosses the mobile over his shoulder, where it lands in Nathan's open palms. "Happy birthday. We're off," Stuart tells him. "Off where?" he asks. "Where d'you think, young fellow me lad?" Vince asks cheerfully, climbing into the Jeep. "Into the headlines!" "You never know; you might finally get that shag," Stuart says as he makes his way to the driver's side of the Jeep. "Oh, give up! Quit chasing me!" Vince cries, rolling his eyes and smiling at Nathan. Aww. I'm starting to cry, people. Nathan asks them if they're coming back, and Stuart starts one hell of a monologue: "What, come back to this? The ghetto: alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show, and all the idiots saving all week, saving their stupid money from their stupid idiot jobs so they can come and shoot their load with some stranger." As the clouds overhead start to roll and darken to black, he continues. "And just you look after it, this stupid little street. It's the middle of the world. Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone. And every single night, someone meets someone." Vince climbs out of the Jeep and joins Stuart at his side, speaking directly to Nathan. "It's all yours now; all of them -- all the poofs and all the dykes, and all the people in between," he says as the street suddenly becomes populated with slightly blurry pedestrians. "And this lot, they'll shag ya. They'll rob ya. Some of them might even love ya. And they'll all forget you in the end. Just stick with your friends -- you'll be fine," he says in an almost fatherly way. I'm pretty much sobbing at this point, just in case you thought I had an ounce of pride left. How wrong you were. "You fuck it up, and I'll come back," Stuart threatens with a grin. Nathan smiles as Stuart and Vince face each other, then run towards the Jeep. Stuart sits in the driver's seat, puts the key into the glowing ignition and then the car turns completely around. Stuart looks at Vince, then puts the car into gear and accelerates. They peel down Canal Street, with Nathan and the other people in the street diving for cover, and as the Jeep reaches the end of Canal Street, it seems to take off like a rocket, with a white light illuminating it from underneath, as Vince yells his trademark, "OH! MY GOD!"

The Jeep is suddenly driving down a winding highway, supposedly in Arizona (it looks like Arizona, but the road signs are contemptibly fake). It pulls into a truck stop, and Stuart and Vince jump out and walk through the dusty parking lot together, tanned, smiling and holding hands. As they make their way towards the "restaurant" (quotation marks very necessary), a very dirty, tubby man walks past and calls them "faggots." "Excuse me, what did you say?" asks Vince. "You heard me," the yokel tells him. "Cos I've gotta warn you: my friend here's got a hell of a temper, once he's off. So, what did you say?" Vince asks again. "I said, 'faggots,'" comes the answer, with a spit somewhere in the middle. Vince turns to Stuart and asks him what he thinks. "Blood," Stuart says simply, pulling a gun from the waistband of his black jeans and holding it to the dentally-challenged trucker's forehead. "Hold on a tick. Bit deaf, mate," Vince says, raising his voice. "Too many nights out clubbing. So, one more time -- what did you say?" The trucker, shaking and taking deep breaths, says, "Nothin'." "And one more word, beginning with 'S,'" Vince prompts him. "Sorry," he says, running away when Stuart finally lowers the gun. "Maybe time," Vince says. "Fuck off," replies Stuart with a grin, tucking the gun back into the waist of his jeans as they turn and walk away.

Wrapping things up, we get updates on all the characters via Polaroid-esque snapshots and captions on the screen. Alexander, putting his talent for karaoke and dressing in drag to good use, becomes Alice Band, a Dusty Springfield-type entertainer. Bernie becomes a porn baron, snapping photos of young men on hospital gurneys. We're told that Janice gets a divorce, as she's pictured holding a martini and a cigarette. Hazel marries PC Stroud -- the cop she punched in the face -- for tax reasons. And, surprising no one, Nathan becomes not just King of Canal Street, but King of the World, photographed with a number of sexy young hangers-on. We then see a shot of Stuart and Vince in silhouette against a dark desert sky, jumping in the air. "There are many rumours about Stuart and Vince," the caption reads. "All of them true."