That's What Friends Are For

S01E07

As Vince makes his way towards Cameron, Dazz looks the wrinkled Aussie up and down and asks Hazel what he does for a living. "He's an accountant," Hazel tells him, sounding quite proud. "I always said the Tylers would marry into money one day." Dazz and Nathan are snorting derisively at the idea of going out with an accountant. "He's nice!" Donna says in Cameron's defense (but I'll let her off the hook). "Nice! Imagine shagging someone 'nice'!" Dazz guffaws. "He's not a real boyfriend," Nathan says. "You know Vince just shuts his eyes and thinks of Stuart!" Okay, seriously? That made me laugh. But Nathan still bears the label of "Slapnuts Extraordinaire" in my notes, so one joke changes nothing. After Nathan and Dazz go off to dance, Hazel ladles piss from a big plastic bucket into their cocktails. You don't want to know why she has a bucket full of piss; it's Bernard's, and Bernard's wee definitely falls into the "Ew, nasty!" no-go area of these recaps. All you need to know is that she pours urine into Nathan and Dazz's drinks, and they drink them. Has anyone told Chuck Berry about this show?

As Lance and Romey pose for photos with the gaggle o' lesbians, Stuart, and Vince, Lisa tells Stuart that a date's been set for the wedding. "Blimey, another party. I've never been so busy," Vince jokes. "Thing is," Romey says awkwardly, "we're keeping it small...it's sort of private." Lisa pulls no punches: "You're not invited." With the roll of film finished, the group breaks up and Lance tells it like it is: "I mean, no offense, but if you lot come to the registry office and someone from the Home Office turns up, it's all going to look a bit gay, isn't it? Last thing we need." He turns to the lesbian in charge of photography and tells her to load another roll of film while he and Romey change clothes for more pictures. After Romey and Lance wander off, Lisa turns her attention to Stuart. "Lance was looking at [Alfred's] birth certificate this morning. Nice blank space where the father's name goes. That makes adoption so much easier," she says pointedly, with no lack of amusement. "Didn't you put your name down?" Vince asks Stuart incredulously. "He didn't want to," Lisa answers on his behalf, as Stuart looks peeved. "Too much responsibility. Like you said, Stuart, no harm in leaving it blank -- what could possibly go wrong?" she asks, twisting the knife. "Fuck you," Stuart retorts. "Ooh, nice comeback," Lisa laughs. Is it just me, or does it seem like it's just too easy for Lisa to smack down Stuart these days? Anyway. Sandra calls out to Vince that there's someone at the door for him, that someone being Janice. He tells her to come in and have a drink, but she insists that she's just dropping off his present, as she knows Nathan won't want her around. Handing Vince the gift, she tells him it's a token of thanks for looking after Nathan. "Not long till his birthday," Janice muses. "Sixteen, he'll be able to live anywhere. How'm I going to find him then?" she frets. Uh, follow the stench of smartass, Janice.

Later on, in Stuart's bedroom, Vince, Stuart, and Romey are looking down at Alfred in his baby carrier. Yes, there's an infant up in this mofo. Romey toddles off to get her picture taken with Lance, so that they'll have lots of fake evidence to give the Home Office should it choose to investigate the marriage of the kind-hearted lesbian and the shady foreigner whose visa is due to run out. Vince, gazing wistfully at Alfred, says to Stuart, "Look at him. Nought years old. Do you remember in school? We used to talk about being twenty." I remember that, except it was twenty-one. Damned drinking laws. "All those plans we made," Stuart says. "We were going to get a flat and live together." Vince remembers this, too. "Still could," Stuart tells him, suddenly sounding a bit desperate. "You could move in here. We could get a house. I'll pay." Hah, this reminds me of the scene in Menace II Society where the bum offers cheeseburgers and a blowjob to one of the characters in exchange for some crack cocaine. Except this time the bum in question doesn't get a cap in his ass. Sob. Vince comments that he doesn't think Cameron would like the idea of he and Stuart living together, and Stuart tells him that Cameron's bought him a car for his birthday. "He hasn't," Vince replies. "He bought me that boxed set of Trial of a Time Lord...which I've already got." Stuart moves closer to Vince and gets all up in his face. "It's parked 'round the corner. He's bringing it 'round when we do the presents. It's only a Mini, four hundred quid," he says disdainfully, "but it's a car." Now Vince knows that he's serious. "That's a bit heavy," he replies almost breathlessly. "You know what I'd do," Stuart tells him, inching even closer and whispering, "Run. Run like the wind." Vince is completely stunned, but he's probably even more stunned when Stuart then kisses him on the lips -- a serious, quiet-moment kiss, not a joking, drugged-out, clubbing kiss. Vince, being a complete and utter lame-ass wuss, makes his way back to the party. Oh, and guess what? Cameron saw the whole thing. Stuart waves at him. Cameron's heart shatters into a million tiny pieces. I giggle.

Inside the party, Alexander's back on the microphone. "Right, shut your noise! Bit of hush!" he directs the crowd, telling Vince it's time to open his presents. "And if anyone's got him a Jeff Stryker cock and balls, you're getting booted out, cos that is so unoriginal," Alexander dictates in his own inimitable style. Someone give this guy a spin-off! Vince sits in the middle of the assembled crowd, with a lot of unwrapped packages surrounding him. As he stares quizzically at the videotape he's just unwrapped, Alexander tells him it contains every episode of Saved by the Bell in which Zack takes his shirt off, and that it took him four years to make the tape. "What's Saved by the Bell?" Lisa asks. "Lesbians!" Alexander fumes in mock exasperation. (For "lesbians," also read, "those fortunate enough not to know Kelly Kapowski from Rae Dawn Chong.") Vince holds a small, gold box with a bow on top, which Cameron says is from him. "You've given me a present," Vince protests. "That was to throw you off the scent," Cameron says, smiling. Vince opens the box, inside of which is a set of car keys. "Oh my GOD!" Vince exclaims, trying his best to seem genuinely shocked. Cameron's face falls as soon as he witnesses this faux surprise reaction, and he immediately shoots a dirty look at Stuart, who's grinning like a Cheshire cat. As the guests express their very real surprise, they all head downstairs and outside to see the car in question -- all except Stuart, who stays behind in the flat.

On the street below is parked a cherry red Mini which has definitely seen its better days. "It's a Mini! A clapped-out old Mini! That's pathetic!" Dazz squeals with delight. Hazel glares at him. "Bernie, give us your bucket," she says, grabbing Dazz's glass. Now that's going to bat for your kid: making his detractors drink an old man's piss. It's the kind of move Tommy Chong would come up with, and Hazel's not even a pothead, so kudos to her. We cut to Vince in the driver's seat, revving the engine and checking out the inside of the car. Alexander leans in the window and coos, "Ooh, Vince, serious present -- it's like being married!" Vince, suddenly brought sharply into focus, mutters to himself, "Run like the wind." Frankly, I think Vince could probably run faster than the Mini, so running like the wind might not be a bad idea even if we weren't talking about running from Cameron.

As the guests file back into the flat, Vince's eyes widen when he sees K9 -- the robot dog from Doctor Who -- standing in the middle of the room. He is completely stunned and looks at Stuart, who's holding K9's remote control and grinning. "Where'd you get it? Did you hire it or what?" Vince asks him incredulously. "Happy birthday," Stuart responds. "But you got the party and everything --" Vince protests, and is cut off by Stuart's reply: "Okay, I'll take it back. Watch this." He presses a button on the remote and the dog spins around, its red eyes glowing. Vince -- like all of the guests -- obviously thinks a lot more of this present than he did of Cameron's, a fact that is not lost on poor Cazza. As Vince runs to Stuart and hugs him, gushing, "That is completely, completely fantastic! God, I'm so sad!" -- er, yes, we know -- Cameron looks the perfect combination of desolate, pissed off, and ready to give up. It's a look that quite suits him, actually; the wrinkles help. Moments later, he sidles up to Stuart at the table where all the drinks are set up, and seethes, "You're never going to fuck him, so why d'you keep him waiting? He's not thirty; he's twelve. You're keeping him at twelve." Stuart, of course, just keeps grinning.

Meanwhile, guess who's standing outside Stuart's building, ringing the doorbell? Rosalie. Hmm, wonder who invited her? If you haven't figured that one out, the shot of Stuart glancing at his watch might lend a clue. Bernard picks up the phone to buzz her in, and without asking who it is or realising it's not a gay male, says, "Come on up and get your cock out!" I was all ready to accuse Russell T. Davies of stealing that line from the invitations Anne Heche gives to cameramen on the sets of her movies, but considering this episode was written way before Anne Heche had a famous girlf...I mean, the clout to make films, it may be the other way around. Anyway, Rosalie just giggles at Bernard's comment; not that she's gagging for it or anything, but she's more embarrassed than disgusted at the utterance of the phrase "get your cock out." Somehow I think the scales would tip greatly in favour of disgust if Bernard had been using a videophone. She also has the good fortune to enter the flat as Alexander is lip-synching to the Spice Girls' "Lady is a Vamp" while wearing Hazel's dress, full makeup, and a turban on his head.

As soon as the show is over, Vince spots Rosalie and panic sets in. She nervously wishes him a happy birthday, and as Vince takes her present, he tries to explain away the spectacle of the party, saying, "They're all drunk. I don't know half of them." [Insert completely inappropriate, embarrassed-bride-at-a-Kennedy-wedding joke here.] Rosalie, though, seems totally oblivious to the fact that she's supposed to be dumbfounded and instead apologises for being late. "Your mate, Stuart, he said don't come till late," she explains helpfully. Vince is trying to hurry her out of the flat, saying he's hungry and they should go for a curry, when Stuart appears, wearing a devilish grin and going for the jugular: "Here she is! Rosalie, have you met Cameron? Let's go say hello." He escorts her over to Cameron and demonstrates how much he disapproves of subtlety: "Cameron! This is Cameron, he's Vince's boyfriend. They've been going out for ages! Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit! He's bought him a car! He's the perfect boyfriend -- they're practically married!" Cameron says a weak hello, and Rosalie looks crushed. Stuart tells Rosalie to put her coat in the bedroom and directs Vince to get her a drink.

Vince follows Rosalie into the bedroom, where she -- obviously quite embarrassed -- starts babbling about the baby and how big the flat is and how the taxi couldn't find the building. "He is my boyfriend," Vince says, interrupting her. "He's...He's nice. He's..." But Rosalie picks up her coat off the bed before Vince can finish and says she's going to go home as she's had a headache all day. "Happy birthday, then!" she manages to choke out before fleeing the room and the flat. Vince goes after her, and when Cameron tries to stop him to find out what's going on, he tells Cameron to fuck off. "Fuck off." Okay, well, I feel sorry for Cameron at this point, because that's just wrong and way too harsh and disrespectful. No one -- not even Cameron -- deserves to be talked to like that by their boyfriend. (Sign #that I'm tired: I'm angry on Cameron's behalf. No-Doz, don't fail me now!)

As Rosalie enters the lobby, the whole sick plot that Stuart set up has finally dawned on her, and she's crying tears of utter humiliation. When Vince reaches her, she lashes out. "You said 'girlfriend.' All those times you said 'girlfriend.' D'you sit with your mates and laugh at me? Cos I'm such a big joke - 'that girl at work, she fancies me! She's so funny cos she's so stupid!'" Vince apologises and says he should have told her the truth. "You're just a liar, Vince. You're a liar and..," she pauses for a beat to think of something she can say that will hurt him, "and you're a poof. You're a dirty little poof."

The shot is of Vince gathering some of his presents and throwing them in a cardboard box with Cameron's help. "What the fuck was that for? She's only a kid!" Cameron rails at Stuart. Vince tells him to just leave it. "We're going. Let's just go," Vince says flatly. "What's he going to do at work? Christ, but you're a bastard!" Cameron snarls at Stuart, who looks just a little upset by the events. "That's it -- we're going," Vince announces, heading for the door. "What about the robot?" Cameron asks him. "I don't want it." Cameron shoots Stuart a quick look of triumph and follows Vince out of the flat.

The morning, Stuart emerges from the shower to find Hazel in the kitchen, picking up the rest of Vince's presents. She explains that she let herself in with Vince's key, and then makes Stuart a cup of tea and says she must be on her way. She pauses to take a stroll down memory lane. "Vince comes home, he says there's this new boy at school, this Irish boy. I had weeks of it: Stuart this, Stuart that...Soon as I saw you, I thought, 'Clever little bastard,'" she says somewhat admiringly. Stuart responds with his usual refrain: "That's right, everyone have a go at me." Hazel looks at him and says, "I said clever." After a pause, she asks him why he couldn't just tell Vince to leave him alone instead of pulling the whole Rosalie prank. "Like he'd listen," Stuart snorts. "Hazel, he'd follow me around forever," he says. "Yeah," she replies as she holds his gaze. "Cameron's all right. He's good for him," Stuart says, obviously trying to convince himself more than anyone else. "Cameron won't last," Hazel tells him. "He might," Stuart answers. "He won't. Still...leaves room for the Cameron." Stuart asks her if she's said anything to Vince about the night's events, and she says it's none of her business. "He's trying to make sense of it, poor sod. But if you want it to make sense, you've got to see Vince as important. And he's never going to manage that, is he?" she asks, kissing Stuart on the cheek before making for the door and telling him that she's left the keys on the counter; Vince doesn't want them back.

Later, Stuart is playing around on #gaymanchester on IRC when the phone rings. "What?" he says, irritated. "What do you want? Fuck off!" He pauses, then an interested look comes to his face. "What for?" Cut to Stuart and Lisa walking through a park, Lisa pushing Alfred in his stroller. "Don't pretend you're not bothered. The moment she marries him, your child will have a new father," Lisa tells him. "I'm much more interested in why it bothers you," Stuart replies. Well, nice to know he's still got those priorities in check. Lisa explains that Lance has moved his things into their bedroom, "just in case," and that Romey has put his name on the deeds to the house "just in case," as well. "I've been living there six years, paying half the mortgage, with nothing in writing," she complains. "And you the solicitor," Stuart smirks, savouring the moment. "If Romey and I split up, I get nothing," Lisa says seriously. "Ah, I thought this was a love story. It's just a mortgage," Stuart remarks, smiling. "I'm simplifying for my audience," Lisa answers back. Hee. "She's only doing the right thing. She always does the right thing. She's saving a man from being deported. She's so bloody correct. So it's down to us to stop her," she says.

They sit on a bench, Lisa holding a pack of letters in her lap -- love letters from Romey, written from the beginning of their relationship up to the present time. "Lesbian letters. Can I read them?" Stuart asks with a grin. "I doubt it; it's joined-up handwriting," Lisa replies dryly. Just insert "Hee!" after everything Lisa says, because she's endlessly amusing, and the chemistry with Stuart makes it even better. Too bad (SPOILER WARNING!) they never end up in bed together. Lisa explains that the letters will make it clear to the Home Office that the marriage is a scam; that way, Lance gets deported, Stuart doesn't have to worry about Alfred being taken from him, and Lisa can have her Romey back. Stuart questions why he's the one who has to send them. "These could only have come from inside the house," Lisa says. "You send them!" replies Stuart. "You're in and out of that house all the time. And, of course, you're a malicious bastard." Of course. Lisa spells out for Stuart that they can't send them anonymously, as someone's got to take the blame, and Romey is never going to forgive the culprit, but Romey's got a very good solicitor (i.e. Lisa) to remind her she can't deny a father access to his child. "So it all becomes my fault?" Stuart asks, clearly not pleased with the idea. Lisa looks at him evenly and says, "I look after your kid every day; every night he's screaming the place down. You owe me." Stuart just sits there, looking torn and -- if I can mention it -- very fucking fine. He's suddenly tan and looks like he's got more Crisco in his hair than Elvis used to put on his fried peanut-butter-and-bacon sandwiches, but he's still quite edible.

At home, Stuart sits in a chair and reads the letters while a team of cleaners go to work clearing the debris from the party. "Too much information," he says to himself, abandoning the letters. Later, the flat's spic-and-span, and Stuart's sprawled out on the couch when the buzzer permeates the silence. It's Nathan, who says that Vince and Cameron have been over at Hazel's all day, slagging Stuart off. Nathan asks Stuart if he's okay, and while Stuart is visibly touched by the sentiment, he still tells Nathan to fuck off. Twice. Turning back into the flat, he suddenly claps eyes on the lesbian letters and realises this would be an excellent opportunity to scam the fuck out of yet another innocent person -- twice in one episode, yo. Not that that's a record for Stuart or anything, but he does like to seize these opportunities as they present themselves. He buzzes Nathan up, quickly strips down to his underwear and an unbuttoned shirt, and pretends to be lounging around, completely bored, when Nathan walks in. Nathan is wearing skin-tight black jeans, an orange t-shirt that says "Bitch" on the front, and his hair is slicked back à la John Travolta in Grease. It is not, shall we say, a good look. He tells Stuart that he's been defending him to Vince and Cameron, telling them Stuart's not as bad as they think he is. "Nathan, you're a little boy. Don't fucking think you know me," Stuart tells him coldly. After a pause, he suggests that Nathan just leave. "It's not Vince, it's...lots of things," he says. Nathan, of course, takes the bait. "Like what?"

Nathan and Stuart are now playing ping-pong, Stuart having already explained the situation with the letters to Nathan. Again, Nathan takes the bait. "What if someone else sent the letters?" he asks. "Like who?" Stuart responds innocently. Shock of shocks, the cut is to them in bed, snogging. "I could do it. The letters, I could send them," Nathan volunteers. Stuart pretends he doesn't want that, saying it'll still come back to him; Romey will know he asked Nathan to do it. "I'll say you didn't. I'll take the blame!" Nathan insists. "She's going to ask why," Stuart says. "I dunno," Nathan replies, thinking. "Cos I didn't want you to lose Alfred. Cos even if you wanted me to do it, you'd never ask...." he says, trailing off. He stops, staring hard at Stuart. "Yeah, that's right," Nathan says, finally twigging. "You wouldn't ask. You'd get me to do it, but not by asking." He moves away from Stuart, who reaches for the fly of Nathan's jeans. Nathan moves his hand and gets up. "Look at you. All you had to do was ask," Nathan says, smiling. Stuart follows Nathan into the lounge, where Nathan tries to get him to admit to loving Alfred, and admit to loving Vince. Stuart is greatly annoyed by this and tells Nathan to forget about the letters. "I'll sort it out. I don't need you," Stuart says. "I'll do it," Nathan tells him. "Not for a shag. I'll do it cos I'm stupid and I sort of love ya." Aww. He's actually not being irritating, now, except for the fact that he's helping Stuart, who's still telling him to put the letters down. "Too late!" Nathan responds cheekily, heading for the door and adding, "Cos I'm in love!" Turning more serious, he tells Stuart that if Vince were there, he would stop Stuart from executing this plan. "No Vince," Nathan says. "You've just got me." While Nathan waits to get into the elevator, Stuart asks him not to tell Vince about the plan. Nathan agrees, and playfully reminds Stuart that he could say thanks. Stuart shrugs, and Nathan laughs. "Can't say it! Stuart Jones, you're such a twat," he says affectionately. He gets in the lift, and after a few seconds, Stuart pulls the gate open, stopping the elevator before it reaches the first floor. Nathan shouts for help, and Stuart tries hard not to burst out laughing and heads back into the flat. Refreshing that he's not going all moral on us yet, isn't it?