Unfinished Business

S01E02

Vince is standing on the pavement with Nathan, looking for a taxi to take him home. Vince tries to be helpful, telling him, "Look, he's not your boyfriend. He's never had a boyfriend. He doesn't do boyfriends." Nathan just stares at him. "Nathan, he's a cunt," Vince tells him. "He doesn't give a toss about anyone." The cab pulls up, and Nathan turns to Vince and says, "You slag him off, but you follow him around all the time." Vince shrugs. "We go back years," he offers. "You're friends with a cunt," Nathan says accusatorily. Vince concedes as much. "You never got to finish that wank, did you?" asks Nathan, twisting the knife. "All right, chicken. Fuck off back home," Vince tells him. The comment obviously stung, but it's not like it's news to any of us that Vince is putty in Stuart's hands. When he gets home, Vince's mother (Hazel) is already back from the club and putting together Christmas crackers with her old friend Bernard. Vince makes a comment about Stuart, but Hazel completely overtakes the conversation and blabs on and on about the Christmas crackers and their neighbours. Bernard asks Vince if he could move some of his things out of his old room, as he's going to be staying there permanently from now on; Vince says he will, but looks a bit sad. Up in his room, Hazel brings him a cup of tea, and tells him that Bernard is just a lodger, and that it's still Vince's room. She tells him if he wants to donate any of his things to the jumble sale, to put them on the landing, and then leaves. Vince gazes wistfully at the many photos of Stuart and himself that are tacked to his bulletin board. Then he looks down, and we can see that he's holding the old black and white photograph of Barry Sheen from the Radio Times that he and Stuart got all hot and bothered over together. So basically, he has a shrine to Stuart in his old bedroom. Just when I think he can't get any more pathetic, Vince has to go and prove me wrong.

At Stuart's, someone is outside buzzing the intercom. Stuart picks up the phone and says, "Come on up," quickly replacing the receiver in the cradle. When there's a knock at the door, he is none too pleased to see Nathan at the threshold. Stuart, standing there in all his shirtless glory, tells Nathan to go home just as GoodFuk, aka The Day's Prey #2 -- a tall, old-ish, unattractive man -- makes his way up the stairs. "I'm busy," Stuart tells Nathan, who looks like he may cry. "It's not a threesome, is it?" asks GoodFuk. "No," Stuart says. Pause. "Is it?" he asks Nathan. A split second later, his usual sensibility (um) recovered, he answers his own question. "No." GoodFuk tells him that he really wouldn't mind a threesome, though the boy is a bit young. "Who's he?" Nathan demands to know. "Nathan, this is...This is GoodFuk." The man looks sternly at Stuart and tells him that his name is Colin. "Colin GoodFuk," says Stuart. "You don't even know him!" Nathan cries. "I met him on the Internet. Now I'm going to take GoodFuk inside and check out that name, if you don't mind running along." What a dick! Nathan is in tears and runs down the stairs. Stuart invites Colin GoodFuk in, but he tells Stuart that it's not a good idea for a young boy to be walking home this time of night and that he should attend to the situation. Stuart begrudgingly agrees, and tells him to make himself comfortable, letting him know where the whiskey and porn are located. "Don't you rub anything!" he shouts as he goes after Nathan.

Back in the darkened conference room, the slides being shown are of bare torso-ed men with very defined six-packs, clad only in jeans. "Muscles, denim, sex," intones the advertising executive who's leading the demonstration. And, in other news, the audience doesn't fail to pick up on the screenwriter's lack of subtlety -- AGAIN. TDP #1 meets the steady, smirking gaze of Stuart, and we all see where this is going, don't we?

Elsewhere, Nathan and his best friend Donna are perched on a staircase outside school, gazing down at a group of boys standing against the brick wall, at the center of which is a not unhandsome boy called Christian Hobbs. Donna has some gossip on Christian Hobbs and Nicole Gooch, and spills it all at such a fast rate of speed that I grow tired of rewinding and replaying the DVD. Suddenly, Nathan blurts out, "I'd give him one." Donna pauses, then starts babbling even more rapidly, prompting Nathan to interrupt her again: "I would, though. I'd give him one." Donna looks at him and smiles. "You'd never!" she says, making sure that he's really telling her that he would fuck Christian Hobbs. "Watch me. I'd give him one. I'd shag him right now in front of you." His oral diarrhea not subsiding one bit, he continues. "I met this bloke named Stuart. Stuart Jones. I had sex." Donna exclaims, "No!" in disbelief. "Shagged till six in the morning," Nathan tells her. "Are you surprised?" he asks. "No," Donna responds. "Why not?" Pause. "I dunno." After a moment's pause, she continues, "You never said." "I just said it, didn't I?" Nathan retorts. He tells her he hopes to see Stuart again, to which Donna enthuses, "That's brilliant, Nathan!" He again looks at Christian Hobbs and says, "I'd give him one." Donna repeats, "I'd give him one...Except I haven't got one to give him." They collapse with laughter, then the bell rings and they skip off to class, whooping and squealing with delight. I don't have any experience in such things, but I'm guessing that that has to be one of the smoothest coming-out experiences that one could hope to have.

Meanwhile, Stuart's meeting is on a coffee break, and he spots TDP #1 asking someone where the men's restroom is. After the man heads down the stairs, Stuart starts to follow him. Sandra, his co-worker, pulls out her cell phone and rings Stuart's number. "What?" he answers in an irritated tone of voice. "His name's Michael," she offers teasingly. "Thank you, but the information is not relevant," Stuart replies. "He's married -- with kids," she says. "Aren't they all...?" asks Stuart, quite rhetorically I think, because Sandra is annoying and he probably wouldn't want to be speaking to her even if he wasn't trying to seduce another total stranger. Call it a hunch.

Cut to a shot of Nathan telling a wide-eyed, very attentive Donna just what it was like to have sex with Stuart. He says the pain was killing him, that it felt like being stabbed with a stick, but that it was fantastic because it was Stuart. "I can feel him now, I really can. It's like he's left a space [extract mind from gutter]. He's still there."

Actually, he's not, because our Stuart is currently entering the men's restroom, walking toward TDP #1 -- who's standing at a urinal relieving himself -- still on the phone. "Anyway, thank you Sandra. That'll be all; the matter's in hand," he says dismissively and confidently. "I'll string out the coffee as long as I can. Good luck," she tells him. "Don't need it," Stuart responds, snapping his cell phone closed and sidling up to TDP #1 at the urinal. He looks over and the guy's, erm, member, then faces the wall and smiles. TDP #1 looks over (and down) at Stuart with quite a bit of hesitation. The smile does not leave Stuart's face.

The camera is on Nathan again, still telling Donna about how wonderful it was to lose his virginity to Stuart, and how special it was that Stuart climaxed "because of [him]," and that Stuart said that he loved him. At this point, we rejoin old Stu and TDP #1 in the loo, where they're washing their hands at the sinks in the middle of the room; they're facing each other, and Stuart still has that "I'm so going to touch your willy" smile on his face. Then we go back to a shot of Nathan, telling Donna about Stuarts proclamation of love, "And I'm not stupid [Objection!]. He'd say anything; he was off his face. But he meant it, just for that second!" But just at this second, Stuart and TDP #1 are locked in a stall in the bathroom, groping each other furiously. "I don't kiss," he tells Stuart. "Yeah right," comes the reply, as Stu grabs his head and lays one on him. And, speaking of head, Stuart then proceeds to get down on his knees and suck the guy off.

At work, Vince is humming to himself and pondering some shelves when Marcie approaches him and starts talking smack about the new girl at work, Rosalie. "I said there's no room for Jackie Onassis in this shop, luv," she says with disdain, as they both eye the girl in question as she takes a little too much time straightening a display of toilet paper. Vince comes to her defense, and says that he thinks Rosalie's nice. "Well that's brilliant, cos she fancies ya," Marcie tells him. "Oh, and she's that lovely, Vince, you'll get on a storm. Be at the pub after shift. And brush your teeth!" Marcie waddles away and Vince looks like he's just been sentenced to life imprisonment as the filling of a Bruce Vilanch/Elton John sandwich (i.e. not happy).

We see Nathan's mother, in a far-away shot through his bedroom window, as she attempts to straighten out his wardrobe. In doing so, she comes across his piles of gay boy magazines, complete with a pencil drawing of a naked man with an erection, drawn (one gathers) by Nathan himself. She looks slightly taken aback, but not completely devastated or anything. We follow her downstairs, where Donna and Nathan are finishing up a snack and heading out the door; Nathan tells her he's spending the night at Donna's again. His mother tells Donna that her mother should start charging him rent as the two of them slam the door behind them.

Vince, walking to the pub, is on his cell phone to Stuart, telling him to phone him later, and that they should think of a code word in case Vince needs Stuart to come rescue him. Stuart, at the hospital in his Jeep, waiting to take Romey and the baby home, suggests "twilight," which Vince rejects; Stuart tells him to just not go if he doesn't want to go through with it. "Oh. My God. I'm here -- straight pub," Vince says. "I can't stop. I'm going in." Stuart smiles and asks him what it's like, thus cueing Vince to recite some of the most memorable, oft-repeated lines that Queer as Folk has given us -- which is really saying something. "It's all true. Everything we've ever been told," he says with wonderment in his voice as he explores the inside of the pub. "Everything but flock wallpaper [cheesy, furry wall coverings which were quite popular in the 1970s, especially in Indian restaurants]. Ah...And the people. There are people talking in sentences that have no punchline. And they don't even care!" he exclaims, poking his head into the bathroom corridor. "Can you believe it? They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex!" Stuart, who's been listening with amusement, tells him he's got to go. "We'll have a candlelit vigil in your memory. I'll put a patch on the quilt." Vince spots his co-workers at a table and turns away. "I've changed my mind. Twilight!" Stuart tells him he has to go, as Romey (with her posse of lesbian friends in tow) is coming with baby Alfred. As Romey's entourage -- which would surely put Eddie Murphy's to shame -- climbs into the backseat, Stuart expresses his dissatisfaction at how long it's taking them to leave. "Those women who rob babies from maternity wards, it takes them thirty seconds." We then see Romey kissing a nurse goodbye, then turning to walk towards the car with the baby.

Vince approaches the table where his co-workers are seated and offers to get some more drinks for everyone. Rosalie is eager to offer her help, which Marcie greets with a very unsubtle, "Weee-ooooh!" At this point, I'm hoping that someone's drunk enough to smack her, but I don't think any of them have had enough to drink yet. Vince and Rosalie have a seat at the bar, and one of their male co-workers makes some joke about Vince's affection for Doctor Who. Vince is clearly not proud of this little obsession, and Rosalie tells him that she didn't watch it because they put it on at the same time of night as Coronation Street. "I remember that!" Vince exclaims. "'87 to '89. I had to tape one and watch the other." Rosalie is surprised that Vince watches Corrie, and they bond over that one shared vice. I'm tempted to call them both sad for being fans of the Street, but as an Eastenders devotee, I feel I should spare them. But, lest you think this revelation makes any difference in my estimation of him, Vince is still extra-super pathetic for being a faithful Coronation Street viewer and a Doctor Who fan of disturbing proportions.

Cut to a shot of Stuart sitting alone on a sofa at Lisa and Romey's house. The entire Manchester chapter of the Sisters of Sappho is still hanging around -- why, I have no idea. "Why would I stop paying?" Stuart asks, leafing through what appears to be a contract of some kind. "He's my kid." Romey and Lisa ignore that comment, but Romey tells him there are some additional stipulations about insurance as well. Stuart wonders aloud why they need to make insurance provisions, and Romey is clearly uncomfortable. "You could get run over tomorrow," she says. "Watch out for a Ford Mondeo," shoots Lisa with a sly grin, not one to resist the opportunity to wind Stuart up. Romey explains to Stuart that he could get ill, and while she's not penniless, she would need some contribution from him for Alfred, not for her. Stuart asks again why he would get ill. "We're not talking mumps, Stuart," Lisa says pointedly. "We had you tested, but that was ten months ago. Forty weeks ago. Two hundred and eighty one night stands ago," she adds for clarification. Romey tells her to hush, and tries to convince Stuart that this is the most sensible thing to do for Alfred's sake. Stuart says he'll have to run the contract by a solicitor first. "I've done that already," says Lisa. "And is he any good?" Stuart queries. "Yeah, I'm fully qualified, thanks," she responds with a smile. "So you don't mind?" Romey asks him. "It's fine. It's fine."

This is immediately followed by a shot of Stuart in his Jeep, talking on his cell phone to Vince. "The fucking bastard cunts!" he shouts. "First they want my money, then they want me dead!" He implores Stuart to come out to Canal Street with him, and Vince tells him that he's "sort of busy. She's really nice." Stuart, clearly fed up, yells at him, "For fuck's sake, tell her you take it up the arse and get out of there!" Vince, obviously not the most creative liar, trots out the old "My friend's mother is sick in the hospital" excuse again, and runs to meet Stuart when he blazes into the pub parking lot, laying on the horn. I swear, if he acts any more like Stuart's lapdog, I'm going to start calling him "Ubu." As they drive, Stuart comments, "It's the exact opposite of childbirth. First you have the baby, then you get fucked." Yes, poor you, I'm sure they extracted your jizz against your will. Vince, in somewhat of a daze from his bonding session with Rosalie, comments, "In some parallel universe, I just met my wife."

It's now dark, and Nathan is stripping off his shirt at the bus stop while he tells Donna how all of the couples at school are just babies who've never really had sex. He pulls on a different shirt and climbs aboard the bus, leaving Donna on the sidewalk. "They're just kids. They're just talking," he says to Donna, who's looking up in awe at her best friend. "I'm doing it. I'm really doing it!" If by "it" you mean "getting fuckdumped," why yes, you certainly are doing it, Nathan. In town, he heads for a smallish club that looks quite the dive. Inside, drag queens mill around with the other patrons, including Stuart, Vince and their mate Phil. Stuart is propped up against a huge pillar, moaning about Romey and Lisa, when Vince spots Nathan. Stuart's reaction is predictable: "Shit!" Vince tells him to behave. "The chicken has landed. And his name's Nathan, okay?" he reminds Stuart. Nathan walks over and asks Stuart how the baby is. "Ask my solicitor," he replies, ever the asshole. Stuart asks Nathan if he wants a drink, then heads for the bar. Along the way, he takes a detour to the club's back staircase -- something we're sure he's done a time or two before -- and escapes into the street outside. He hasn't walked fifty feet before Vince heads him off at the intersection and drags him back to the club. Once inside, he says to Stuart, "Be nice -- but I don't mean shag him." Stuart asks Vince to give him some credit, then comments that Nathan is rather sweet. "I don't know," Vince says. "I haven't licked him." Face!

A chorus line of drag queens and fag hags is on stage, in the middle of which is a middle-aged woman in a tight top and a hot pink hunting cap, complete with earflaps. "Look at the twat in the hat!" Phil remarks. "She needs locking up," says Stuart. "Some people have no shame!" Vince adds. Eager to join in, Nathan pipes up, "She's like a mong!" Stuart takes him to task: "That's Vince's mother." Nathan doesn't believe him. "Yeah, I can imagine if it was. A proper mong like that!" At that moment, the woman in the hat starts shouting, "Vinnie! Vinnie!" and waving. Nathan looks like he just swallowed a Chinese star. "Just be careful time," Stuart says to him condescendingly. Vince tells Nathan not to worry about it, that his mum is mad. Phil makes some crack about not seeing Stuart's mum at any gay clubs lately, and asks if Mr. and Mrs. Jones are still waiting for "golden boy" to get married. Nathan, still determined to bond with everyone, tells them that his mother would be really upset if she knew where he was, and that when Zoë Tate had her lesbian wedding on Emmerdale, his mum stood up and turned the telly off. "That's not homophobia, that's good taste," Phil replies.

The boys are walking to a nearby pub, as Vince tells Stuart that Nathan is his responsibility, and that he's not to go running off. "I have to live with me every day, and I know that I'm lovely. I'm completely lovely," Stuart says defensively. He spots someone he knows walking past them, and asks him how he is. "And how's Peter?" Stuart asks. "Still dead," comes the response. "Oh, yeah! Shit! Sorry, forgot. Whoops!" This is another one of those "Stuart is a cock, but look at that walk" moments that the viewer will experience many times throughout the series.

Inside the pub, Stuart is lamenting the fact that he's had all of the men in Manchester, and wonders if he should give London a try. "You've not had me," Vince reminds him. Stuart says that there was one time when he almost did. It was when Stuart had first come over from Ireland, so they were about fourteen years old. He and Vince were looking at a photo of celebrity motorcyclist Barry Sheen in the Radio Times and rubbing themselves. Stuart says that Barry Sheen was dressed all in leather, but that it wasn't even black leather -- it was red and cream coloured. "Please don't tell this story!" Vince protests. But Stuart continues, telling how he was giving Vince a wank and was just unzipping his trousers when they heard Vince's mother come into the house, and Vince jumped up and started freaking. "When Barry Sheen broke his legs, Vince went to WH Smith's and sent a card to 'Barry Sheen, London.' He's the saddest man on earth," Stuart snorts. A look of genuine offense flashes across Vince's face, but the conversation quickly turns to a discussion of how old Stuart is. "How old do you think I am?" he asks Nathan, who replies that he thinks he's thirty-three. "Fuck off!" Stuart, aged only twenty-nine, has obviously had his pride hurt. Yay. He says he's going for a piss, but walks out of the pub and peels out of Canal Street, almost hitting several pedestrians on his way. So, are they trying to say that Stuart's a bad-ass because he drives twenty-five miles per hour on side streets? Because my Aunt Gladys does that, and she's an eighty-year-old spinster. Either way, I'd like the class to stand and join me in a chorus of, "We still get it." To quote Sars, "Consider it gotten."

As soon as Stuart gets in the door of his flat, he sits at his PC, and we immediately hear the sound of a modem connecting to the Internet. I'm not going to start making fun of how computers are portrayed in television and films, but I did wonder where I could buy a PC that doesn't even need to boot up before you can dial up to your ISP. Anyway, for those who are interested in such things, he's using what appears to be a web client of IRC, where there are little pictures to the nicknames of the people on the channel. He clicks on the photo of someone called GoodFuk (heh), and quickly dispenses his address to him via private chat. "I'm on my way ," is the response. Oy, vey.

Outside, Nathan is standing against the wall with his head tilted back, still visibly upset. Stuart calls the cab company on his cell phone, and tells them to get there as soon as possible. "You'll have anyone!" Nathan shouts, turning on him. "He's no one! He's nothing! He's ugly!" Nathan does have a point there, on all four counts. "I was there. I was there all night and I really liked you. He doesn't even know you!" Stuart looks at him evenly and says, "Nathan, I've had you," which leaves the young chap looking completely devastated. As the taxi drives up, he gets in as quickly as he can. Stuart, possibly (and unbelievably) feeling like the jerk he is, walks toward the cab to say something to Nathan, but it pulls away before he can do so. When he returns to his flat, Colin GoodFuk is naked in his bed, waiting for him. Stuart tells him that perhaps they should do this some other time. His would-be Internet lover doesn't hide his annoyance at being involved in such a waste of time, and as he squats to put on his shoes, Stuart gets a glint in his eye that says he's totally forgotten that he deserves to be castrated for being such an ass to Nathan. He stands up slightly on his chair, then takes a flying leap, pouncing on Colin GoodFuk. The credits roll on a black screen before we actually see him land, so I replayed the scene several times, imagining that Stuart was throwing himself into the fiery pits of hell. It felt pretty good.