By Della Femina
Luckily for him, our Nate is saved by the bell when the phone rings. Stuart answers, barking a series of questions ("When? How? What time?") into the phone, never leaving his kneeling position between Nathan's legs; he is quite clearly giving the young lad a handie, which culminates -- in record time, of course -- in Nathan jizzing all over Stuart, who loudly exclaims his protest, "Did you have to?!" Maybe he was stroking Nathan's cock to practice his cow-milking technique or something, but either way, he should have expected to get a bit sticky. He showers Nathan with semen with a flick of his wrist. Ta, mate. The woman on the phone asks Stuart what his problem is, which gives him a good opportunity to learn the name of the boy he's just tossed off -- as you do. After introducing Nathan to Lisa, the woman on the phone, he asks her some more questions ("Where is she now?"), thanks her and hangs up. He then tells Nathan that he'll call him a taxi, and Nathan says that he would have to be going anyway, as he has school in the morning. Stuart asks him how old he is, to which Nathan replies that he's eighteen. Stuart, displaying all the investigative savvy of a drive-through liquor store clerk, asks him what year he was born. Pause. "1981," offers Nathan. "Bollocks! You had to think. No one has to think about what year they were born." Nathan is so busted -- not that that'll stop him from lying again. After claiming to be sixteen, he finally 'fesses up to only being fifteen. Stuart lays another snog on him, either not caring about, or being turned on by, the idea of sex with a minor. Actually, it's probably a little of both.
Stuart does take time out from kissing Nathan to ring Vince, who was just beginning to get down to business with the beefy stalker man. Now it's Vince's turn to ask loads of questions ("When?" Who was there?"), and when the beefy stalker man continues disrobing -- revealing a very fat, hairy gut -- his jaw drops. "OH. MY. GOD. OH. MY. GOD." The beefy stalker man proceeds to pick lint from his bellybutton. Yum. At this point, is anyone who's watching not craving cotton candy?
Vince, having fobbed off the beefy stalker man with the excuse that his friend's mother is seriously ill, drives to the hospital, where Stuart and Nathan arrive together in a cab. They rush down corridors and into a room full of women, who are crowded around a mother holding her newborn. Stuart rushes to her, taking the baby in his arms. It becomes apparent that he is the father of this child, and when the friends of the mother -- Romey -- chime in that they think Frederick would be a good name for the baby, Stuart tells them that it's not ironic enough, and decides that Alfred will be the baby's name. Romey wonders aloud if Stuart is going to introduce the blonde boy to everyone, and Stuart asks him, "What's your name, again?" One of Romey's friends, Lisa, answers, "Nathan," obviously annoyed that Stuart can't even remember the name of his young playmate.
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