Everybody is at Wallkill Airpark in Wallkill, New York. Starting in a tiny local airport is quite a change from the usual Manhattan high-rise. Ken thinks he intimidates people, but they're probably just staring at his bow-tie tattoo. Helen says she's going to rub people the wrong way. She adds, "Sorry, bitches," but I don't think she's really sorry at all. Alexander says that people either love him or hate him. You know the sort of things people say at the beginning of a season.
Heidi and Tim are here, and Heidi points out that it's a "different kind of runway." Ah. A pun. Now it's time for the sixteenth contestant! Helen hopes it isn't Kate, "because she's a total bitch, and I'm pretty sure that we're gonna clash." It is Kate, from Season 11. She wants us to believe that she's a nice person, so we get a few clips of her being mean. She's looking forward to a season that's not all about teamwork. I can imagine! Tim thinks any advantage Kate has will probably even out after a few episodes.
After a quick reminder that Justin is deaf, Heidi says the prize package will be worth over half a million dollars. I would like to see how that breaks down, because I flat don't believe it.
Around then, parachuters jump out of a plane. A plane in the air, I mean. Not on the ground. That wouldn't be very impressive. They take a while to land, and I find the use of "Ride of the Valkyries" a little weird. It's more of a helicopter song. It eats up some time and the designers applaud. The point is that everyone's going to be using parachutes as their materials.
Helen has a hilarious sneer as she says, "I can deal with bugs and, like, blood and snakes and shit, but... I cannot imagine making something decent to look at with this fabric." Other designers are eyeballing particularly bright parachutes.
Heidi counts them off and they all run. Kate falls. Everyone seems a little worried about this. Parachutes aren't pure silk, after all.
In the vans on the way back to Manhattan, Angela tells us about how she used to be in a band, but decided she liked the clothes more than the music. In the other van, Justin says not to worry about him; if he doesn't understand what someone says, he'll tell them. Alexandria used to be a model, and you know what? We just had an entire episode devoted to everyone's backstories.
The workroom! Everyone's excited. Bradon, as you may remember, was a dancer. But he got old, so he had to move on. Miranda was a mechanic in the army, although I don't really see what that has to do with fashion. Helen tells Alexandria that her aesthetic is the polar opposite of what she looks like. There's a lot of hugging going on. Timothy knows Miranda from Milwaukee and she thinks he has "quite an ego."
Here's Tim. Hi, Tim! He's here to announce that the accessories wall is now sponsored by something called "Belk Department Stores." And everybody's getting those laptops with detachable screens again, which I'm guessing none of them know how to use. This isn't really when you want to learn a new technology. And here's something new: instead of challenge-specific amounts, everybody's getting a lump sum at the beginning of the show.
Everybody has their colorful parachute and there's some extra black and white rip-stop nylon that they can use. But Tim is clear that the bulk of the outfit has to be from their parachute. They have until 11:00 (about seven and a half hours), and then all day tomorrow. Okay, go!
Kate asks who was happy to see her fall and Helen immediately calls her a bitch. Kate doesn't seem to mind. Alexander says he's used this fabric before and he feels pretty confident. Kahindo says it's like sheer plastic and it doesn't iron well at all.
Angela is cutting her fabric and complains that it won't tear. Well, it's rip-stop nylon. It's specifically designed not to tear. She's making a brightly colored trenchcoat. Bradon says he's not sketching until he sees how the fabric works. He's unsure whether he can even pleat it.
Sandro says that his philosophy is that every cocktail dress should have a history. He's working on a swimsuit, which is an interesting idea. Kate gets grilled on how the time management goes on this show, and she says that runway days sometimes have a surprising amount of time available for sewing. Dom is happy to listen to advice, although she doesn't trust her.
Timothy reminds us that he's a "sustainability-focused fiber artist," which means he makes fabric out of weird stuff. So he's supposed to be good at the unconventional materials. His thought pattern combines paratroopers, Hiroshima, and origami. Justin says he doesn't care about personality conflicts, because he can turn his implant off and then he won't hear anything. Dom wants to create a fancy textile, somehow. Sue wants to do about six feet of pleating and it's not going at all well because the day is over already.
The morning! The hotel looks nice, but I'm not telling you its name unless some of those product placement dollars make it over to me. Let's get back to the action.
Bradon says he's using "all the colors," but he has no actual plan. Sandro says he wants to make every woman elegant. Then there's a moment where everyone enthuses about Jeremy's children. They're very cute, if you're into that sort of thing.
This is where Sue's individuality gets her in trouble, because she can't operate the sewing machine. Alexander is a little judgmental about it, but it really is one of the basic skills on this show. Timothy says he tries not to use electricity, and goes on about grey water and dead stock and so on. He's giving himself a lot of extra challenges. Helen thinks he might be nuts. Alexandria says, "America's designer needs to use electricity."
Everyone's eating some food, and Alexandria thinks she's going to win. Sandro is outraged that she's not being humble. Then he teaches everyone how to say, "Na Zdorovie," although he warns them that only people from New Jersey clomp their glasses down on the table. Alexander is out on the roof, burning the parachute fabric to see what happens.
Hey, it's Tim! He's here to check on everybody. He complains about it being too quiet, and then goes to Alexandria. He likes her "color blocking," and I will trust him that it's a thing. He also likes Kate's yellow dress. Bradon has some kind of perspective lines going on on the front of his dress, and it's got a big train that he's hoping will flow interestingly as the model walks. It looks pretty cool to me. Tim's fascinated by the texture that Timothy got with a cigarette lighter. Ken says it's a "frumpy ice-skater dress," although he doesn't know about Timothy's plan to have the model's wrists tied together so she's dragged down the runway. It's kind of on the border line between theatrical and insane, so I look forward to it. Miranda's dress is almost entirely made out of the black fabric, with a few accents from the parachute. And that's what she was explicitly told not to do. Tim warns her about this, and she kind of ignores him. People! Do what Tim tells you!
Helen complains about her colors, which is her excuse for her dress being largely composed of the white fabric. She explains that she's stubborn. That's a lousy excuse. Kahindo has some pleating that Tim doesn't like at all. It's not crisp and it's not parallel at all. Angela has a coat dress, but there's no bottom to it. Sue says she's got a brand new plan, because she just put the whole thing on the mannequin to find out what the fabric wanted to do. Tim loves this plan. Sandro has a story about a young girl with a swim suit, but he's only got a bottom. Tim is concerned about whether he can finish a jacket in time. Sandro does not yet understand that "concerned" is what Tim says when he's trying to get you to listen to reason because you're in real trouble.
Exit Tim. Enter models. Timothy asks if his model is willing to move awkwardly to sell his performance-art plan and she'll give it a try. Angela has made basically a smock. But that's boring, so let's get back to Timothy. He's coaching his model on how to walk: "A little more graceful. Think of it as a ballerina move. You're a little too strong. Almost, you can totally channel, like, the Virgin Mary in terms of, like, that demure sadness." He's got a vision, but I'm not sure he's explaining it that well. At one point, he has her sniff her armpit.
Thirty minutes to go! Angela is more confident now that her garment has actually been on a model. And then we're done!
It's two hours to runway! Time to panic! Everyone's excited! Tim steps in to give the usual spiel and I think he's playing up "very thoughtfully" a little too much. The models come in and everyone sews them in. Angela's garment is basically a tent. It's a shapeless blue mess. Timothy is telling his model about how it's a story about war, and how he wants her to be yanked along. Tim comes in and asks what's going on, because his model can't take longer than everyone else. He's a little concerned, but he leaves them to it.
Hair! Words that are thrown around here are "futuristic," "minimalistic," "height," "clean," "strong," "modern," "edgy" and "sexy." Makeup is equally silly. Timothy insists that his model's hair be free of anything that's plugged in and he won't allow any makeup, because it's not sustainable. Everyone is now convinced he's crazy. His model is Nastasia and she's crying. She gets to do an interview where she says it's not fair that she doesn't get hair and makeup. Good luck, Nastasia.
Miranda's outfit looks good, but that's because it's mostly black. Timothy is getting on Alexandria's nerves by talking to his mannequin. Alexander feels that Sandro's short-shorts are a little too short-short. The editors agree, because there's a black square superimposed over the model's lady-parts, which are apparently hanging out. It's kind of baffling how you can make shorts that are that short and not notice it.
Tim rounds everyone up amid the usual flurry of misplaced confidence. Let's go! RUNWAY TIME!
First, Heidi walks out on the runway. She looks great. The prize package has $150,000 in money, $50,000 of "technology," a year of spring water, a vacation in the Maldives (the country, not the band), a collection, a sewing studio, a fashion spread, a Lexus, $100,000 in fabric and a $15,000 styling contract. I admit, that's a lot. Although now I'm mostly concerned about whether enough people know that there's a band called "The Maldives" to justify that joke. Oh, and the winning model gets a magazine spread and $25,000. Okay! Here are the judges! Zac Posen, Nina Garcia, Kate Bosworth and TIM GUNN! TIM IS SITTING WITH THE JUDGES! He says, "I've always been here, but I'm no longer invisible." He won't be officially judging; he'll just get to veto the judges one time. Oh, that's not as much fun. And there's one other change, which is that the judges won't know who did which look. That change is largely invisible to me, since we've never been told all that much about the judging process.
Enough fooling around.
Sue has a full-length dress in two shades of red. It seems okay to me. It's pouched up in the front in a way I find interesting.
Bradon's dress looks fantastic. It's light blue in front, with dark blue lines, and then the train is shades of red.
Jeremy's outfit is a white T-shirt and what I can only describe as parachute pants.
Kahindo's got shorts that are full of pleats and a decent purple top.
Sandro's model. Oh my God. Okay. Sandro's model has to hold some white fringe in front of her crotch because the shorts don't cover her. Covering the crotch is the first thing clothes are supposed to do. I can't improve on Sandro's description of what happens when she moves her hands: "Vagina drops." Everyone is scandalized. What the hell, Sandro.
Helen's dress is white, with some spots of color here and there. She deludes herself that it's acceptable, but the dress is nowhere near interesting enough to justify breaking the rules that much. Dramatic rule-breaking demands a dramatic garment!
Alexandria's short dress looks basically okay. She's made good use of the black to provide an outline.
Karen's dress is nearly a really good shape. It isn't, really, but the model almost saves it.
Timothy's model has decided to ignore his ridiculous choreography. She walks out to the end of the runway, barefoot, poses briefly with her wrists together, and then walks back. My guess is that she feels she's been screwed out of a shot at $25,000, so she's not really motivated to help him out. The garment is a short, pale yellow dress that's not all that interesting. And contrary to what Timothy says, I don't think having the model stagger all over the runway would have made the dress more interesting.
Justin's made a very plausible pink dress. It looks good!
Kate's dress is a much better yellow dress than Timothy made. It has kind of an apron feel, so I don't know why Kate is whispering, "My sexy princess."
Angela's dress is a hooded smock. I don't know, maybe if there were something under it I might like it.
Alexander's dress starts riding up the model's legs in the front immediately. I like the use of alternating big blocks of color, though; he's put together an interesting effect.
Dom's model has a pink skirt and a black jacket. The jacket has some accents from her parachute, but I don't know if it's enough.
Ken has a stunning orange dress with great ruffles around the chest. I love it.
Miranda's dress is almost entirely black, which is cheating. It's a good shape, though.
Angela, Sue, Miranda, Bradon, Sandro and Timothy are called forward. Everyone else is safe. Checking my notes, I see that I hated Angela, Timothy and Sandro, liked Sue, loved Bradon and kind of liked Miranda but thought she didn't follow the rules.
The safe designers stagger back to the purple room. Kate's disappointed that she wasn't in the top, because she doesn't just want to be safe. Well, then, do better.
The models come out. Timothy rushes through his thing about paratroopers and Hiroshima and origami, which kind of relates to the way his dress looks in the back. The front is supposed to be a "poetic travesty." The judges want to talk about Timothy wearing high heels. Zac says she looks "like Tinker Bell at Burning Man," which could totally be what he was going for. Nina lectures him about first impressions and he starts talking about sustainability. Well, I should say he "continues" to talk about sustainability, since he never stops. Zac says that burning nylon just releases toxic gasses, so he feels that Timothy broke everything he says he believes in.
Sue says she didn't want to cut into the parachute too much and she wanted to make it heavy, so she doubled it over. Heidi loves the way the colors move, and Zac says the structure is exciting. Nina praises the ruching, which is a word I would have used if I'd known it. Kate asks about the back and Sue says she was just working with what she had.
Miranda leads by saying she got to skydive in the army. Then she admits that the only parachute material in the garment is in the highlights and the cord. But Nina likes the piece enough to let it slide. Kate loves it, and Zac thinks it looks "super-finished." Heidi is the only one who really complains about her not really embracing the Unconventional Challenge.
Angela says, "In the silhouette, I wanted to mimic the fullness of the parachute." Heidi complains about the lack of pants. Nina complains about the proportions: "It almost feels like this is a disposable poncho." Zac likes the colors, but nothing else.
Bradon's story is about mimicking the feel of being a skydiver. Heidi says it looks like an expensive dress, and Kate is enraptured by it. Zac was very happy with the movement as the model walked, but he doesn't like the use of cords on the front. Nina likes the fragility and the drama, which seems like a good sign.
Sandro's model is still trying to cover herself as he talks about Leni Riefenstahl and Louise Brooks. She looks like she's trying to stifle a laugh and simultaneously apologize for her appearance. Zac says, "She looks like a slutty cat toy." Heidi complains about the chains on the back and Nina has her take her plumes off. Now she has nothing to cover herself with. The judges are mostly objecting to the accessories. Zac praises the "impeccable fit," and Kate agrees. Heidi, who doesn't know quite how to say, "Her cooter's hanging out!" says that the "taste level" is a question mark, but Zac's rabbiting on about simplification. Zac, you're great, but I think most people would agree that a fit isn't really impeccable if the model's genitalia end up on the outside of her clothes.
The judges confab now includes Tim Gunn and also the six models they care about. I've always assumed the judges got a close look, but now we get to see it, as Tim tells them all the things he saw. Fun! Heidi does not like a seam on Angela's smock and Zac explains that it's a dart in the wrong place, so it's pushing the boobs down, not up. Sandro's jewelry is several different pieces from the accessory wall, which I guess he didn't use all that thoughtfully. Heidi likes the hip. Zac finds Timothy's garment creepy, although Heidi likes that he at least tried something. Nina would prefer sustainable fashion to be gorgeous. With Bradon's dress, they just have the model swish the train around because they enjoy it so much. Tim's opinion on Miranda is that he would give her an F, and that's what he told her.
Tim and the models are dismissed and the judges do their usual thing. Heidi again mentions Sandro's "taste," and the judges just talk about whether he had too much stuff. Nina hated Angela's thing and says it's a smock that a dental hygienist would wear. Zac hated Timothy's model being barefoot while he had glittery high heels. What does it matter what the designer wore? They debate about Miranda for a bit, but their decision will be a secret for a few more minutes.
Heidi announces that now two of them are in the top, and four are in the bottom. Miranda's in the bottom four now. Bradon wins! Congratulations, Bradon. He seems pleased. So Sue's in. Heidi lectures Miranda about how she almost got disqualified. But she didn't, so she's in. Sandro is also in, because the judges didn't seem to care about his garment's glaring problem. We're down to Timothy and Angela. Timothy is in, so we'll get a lot more talk about sustainability. He gets to the back room and immediately takes off his high heels, which I think is great. He clearly did not count on doing that much standing in them.
Angela gets auf'd. Sorry, Angela. Tim tells us that he's not going to use the "Tim Gunn Save or Rescue" this early. They need a better name for that. Then he goes back and gives Angela a hug as he sends her to clean up her space.
Later this season: Jesse Tyler Ferguson! And some goofy outdoorsy stuff. Many, many people shouting at each other! Sandro getting angry! Kelly Osbourne! The phrase "foaming vagina"! And more!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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