Last time on Project Runway, my boyfriend and I took bets on who would go home (Crazy Timothy or Visible Vagina?) and we were both wrong. Also in the name of ratings, they introduced "Tim’s Rescue." I’m glad Tim is getting in on the judging action a little more this season, but that could be done without this silly ploy. Hey, speaking of silly ploys, this episode starts out with armored cars!
Completely unnecessarily, armed guards step onto the runway and all of these designers are like "eeeek" and one of them thinks it will be a "military" challenge because when you see a gun you don’t discern the difference between the military and the police, or even security guards, you just start saying words and try not to get pepper sprayed or arm wrestled.
To appear equally terrifying, Heidi walks out with the button bag. But how could you be afraid of Heidi Klum, even if she had a gun? Heidi says the security guards are here for "millions of reasons" and by reasons she means diamonds. Or dollars’ worth of diamonds. Anyway, diamonds. The models walk out wearing diamonds and I bet Timothy is like "those are blood diamonds," and he’s going to make his poor model take them off and roll around in dirt.
Up on the runway is 30 million dollars’ worth of diamonds. Hella bling, y’all. The designers are to create a look glamorous enough to accompany these diamonds.
"I’m not inspired by the jewelry, I’m not inspired by money. We have to pick the prettiest diamond and I think that’s very superficial," Timothy of the rhinestone platform shoes says through his nose. For such an original he sure is predictable. I’m sure his model is glad she might be with a different designer this time. God, Timothy is so horrible I almost forgot there’s a deaf designer this season.
I am inspired by jewelry and money and these diamonds are gorgeous. Thanks to yet another new sponsor, the designers have a mobile bank account this year and can track their spending on their smartphones that are not allowed to make outside calls or install Candy Crush. The interesting part of this is that they have one account for the whole season and they can spend whatever they want, but they might not have anything left by the fifth challenge if they buy too much leather. It’s a one day challenge this time, and this season’s iteration of Suede is in shambles over it.
Timothy has opted to take the angle "trash to treasure" and I just can’t stand him, to the point where I don’t remember any of the other designers’ names. And there’s all this interactive social media going on where I would usually find the names, it’s all very confusing. Not to mention this mobile phone bank and the new accessory wall for sophisticated Southern women.
At Mood, everyone except Timothy runs for the high quality fabrics, with a suggested budget of $300. Timothy runs to the very back of the store to go rooting around in the dumpster, where he feels "right back at home." Tim lets Timothy know that Mood has organic textiles and Timothy is like "ehhhhhh NOPE." He finds some blue velvet that is a remnant from someone else’s Queen Cookie Monster costume idea and is pleased with that. Everyone else’s designs seem really lovely so far, by the way, but Timothy is just the Urinary Tract Infection of this show and I can think of nothing but how badly I want him eliminated.
Kate, the returning designer from last season, is making something super costumey by the looks of her sketch. In the sewing room that Russian guy who showed his model’s vagina on the runway (Sandro) is fighting with Ken so loudly that even the deaf guy is like "shut up." Ken suggests that Sandro "speak f**king correct English."
We’re a little worried for Kahindo, who chose a kind of wacky print. Dom’s dress is looking earthy but pretty, and Tim is concerned about it looking "Palm Springs Poolside" or "gold-digging floozy." That awful Swedish woman chose some pretty bold trim that concerns Tim. Justin chose a very time-consuming design. Former Contemporary Dancer and challenge winner Bradon chose a beautiful but affordable curtain fabric and it looks like the risk is paying off.
Kahindo has never worked with silk charmeuse and she’s trying to do a cutout. It’s not going well. Jeremy doesn’t think it’s going well, and he has an accent I forgot about. Tim suggests Kahindo line the dress with the print and cover it up with a sheer black fabric. It could be salvageable. Kate, Sandro and Helen are also making dresses. Alexander/Suede/my new favorite has a dress that is going a little granny. But let’s get to Timothy’s garbage dress already. Tim says he doesn’t understand it and is wondering where the design is.
Timothy is having trouble understanding, and all the other designers are just gagging over the shade of it all. Tim says it has a ticket to home written all over it. Timothy is disheartened. Jeremy even helps him drape it. Everyone pitches in to help, but I’m not sure why. Oh, Helen is helping everyone, even uninvited.
The models arrive for their fittings and mainly so that we can all feel bad for Timothy’s new model. There’s some futzing in the sewing room about thread and machines, whatever. That big-haired woman is doing that thing that sometimes older people do when they are really fussy about technology, but don’t want to admit that they don’t know how to use it? I’m not saying she’s older, I’m just saying she’s acting like she is.
On the day of the runway show, Sandro thinks Timothy is going home. We can only hope! I like that he calls him "Amish." But the Amish aren’t that horrible (haha just kidding, they are -- have you seen Breaking Amish?). Helen was confident the day before and now she’s like, "I’ve never done cups before." And the other designers just gasp a little because she said this was her forte and Alexander Pope came out of the fucking womb doing bust cups, OK?
Timothy’s dress looks horrible! He says it’s very him, so of course it does. I don’t use this term often, but it is a fail. Helen feels particularly insecure to Kate.
In the makeup consultations, it appears Timothy is giving in to our sponsor Loreal and letting them put makeup on his model’s effing face. He is such a problem. Uh oh, Dom is putting a headband on her model. With diamonds and emeralds?
In the last moments before the runway show, Sandro is running around with a steamer, he plugs it in and pops up asking, "Who knows how steamers work?" I do, Sandro and first of all, it takes a while for that water to heat up and turn into steam. You can’t just plug it in and be like, "STEAM NOW." Sandro gets whatever is two levels beyond flustered when no one responds to his question immediately, and storms off to grab a Project Runway crew member. He leads this crew member by the wrist over to the steamer to demand why it doesn’t work and the crew member is like, "Ahhhh let me out of here."
"I have to step out. I have to step our right now, I have no idea," the crew member says. And Sandro says, “So thank you for good service, right?” all snotty. Yeah, Sandro -- because people who work on the crew of this television show are here to serve you. You are a character and probably a real life asshat, too. Sandro continues to throw his arms up in exasperation at just about everything all the way until Tim forces them toward the runway.
Let’s get to the looks. Dom’s dress is pretty, but too casual, especially with that headband. Justin’s dress is black and lovely and probably safe in the middle somewhere. Ken’s dress is just a tad David’s Bridal to me. Like, high end David’s Bridal. Kahindo’s dress is cocktail length and a little janky in that cutout. Alexandria’s dress is also from the nice part of David’s Bridal, and a bit too short in front. Miranda also did a cocktail length dress that exposes a lot of back and midriff, and the sweetheart neckline sits too high. It should be in the bottom but it won’t be, because this is the first we’ve heard from Miranda.
I love Alexander’s dress. It’s all flowy and dramatic and cool. Kate loves her dress, I love the styling she did with it and she’ll probably be in the top. Hahaha, you guys, Timothy’s dress is just awful. It is trashy-terrible. Karen (who are you, Karen?) has a dress that is just OK and doesn’t fit on top too well. Jeremy’s dress is a dream. It has all these pretty layers of tulle. But then Sandro’s dress walks the runway and you forget what beauty ever looked like because it’s so tacky. It’s beige with mesh-covered cutouts and she can barely walk in it.
Helen is so horrified by her dress that she has basically a fit as it turns the corner for the runway. No more guessing who did what design here, judges! She’s shaking and sobbing, so they have to stop the runway show so Tim can go talk to her. Between hiccups, she tells Tim that her construction is awful and Tim tells her there’s nothing she can do about it now. At least she drew a lot of attention to herself, right, Sandro?
Helen’s dress hits the runway (maybe that model is just bad luck?) and Alexandria smiles with pleasure at how bad it is. I don’t like that Alexandria. Sue’s dress walks the runway and blah blah blah…who cares, right? She did that dumb ruching thing again to hide that she doesn’t know how to change the thread in a sewing machine. Bradon’s dress walks the runway and there is an audible reaction from all the designers and judges. It’s fabulous and looks like liquid metal.
The top and bottom designers are Dom, Sandro, Timothy, Kahindo, Helen and Kate. What? No Jeremy, Alexander or Bradon? I don’t get it. But I don’t know fashion, just television.
The judges love Dom’s look. They say it looks young and offers a different perspective, but the hem is overpowering it. Heidi says she would choose Dom’s dress because it is "hip and happening" but they don’t like the hairband, thank god. I like to be a little right about some things.
Timothy’s dress receives critique , and I hope his explanation of it alone annoys the judges to the point of sending him home. The judges are glad Timothy used makeup, but the hair is still problematic. And then they find out that he went through the garbage bags at Mood to get his fabric and even the model is like, "Hell no."
Zac Posen says the velvet could have come from his studio because they had some (but didn’t use it). He admires the use of the velvet and the hem of the garment, but the dress itself is mostly stupid looking. At least Timothy takes the feedback well.
Kate has this big long story about her gown, but it’s pretty enough to hold up. The judges like Kate’s dress; it’s really pretty and the styling is on. But it’s to Sandro’s dress, which is just so crazy. Heidi loves this dress, though. She says all the piling on really works this week. Oh, this is a nightmare. I think it looks crazy, and crazy doesn’t look cute on anyone. At least Zac Posen said it borders on trashy.
Kahindo is , and her dress is not enough in the judges’ estimation. Heidi says it looks like it was store bought, Zac Posen says it looks like sand art and a dress on sale. Nina says the dress is too “nice.”
Helen is last, freely admitting she has never done cups so she chose to do some this time. Then Helen goes on, interrupting Heidi telling her that the cups are bad and ill-fitting, to proclaim that evening wear is her forte. No, girl -- it ain’t. Nina says there are so many imperfections that it distracts from the diamonds. Helen gets all emotional again, pleading through her sobs with a passion Timothy doesn’t understand. That impassioned speech should not accompany such a poorly made dress.
Heidi claims this is all about the fashion and the design, but it’s really more about making good television, which is why they’ll probably eliminate Helen and keep Timothy. In the green room, Sandro tells Timothy he should talk less. Sandro should also talk less, but he’s right that Timothy shouldn’t tell the judges he got the fabric out of a garbage bag.
After giving the dresses a closer look, it seems like Helen is not likely to go, and Tim reveals the reality of Kahindo’s original print underneath the black tulle. Nina clearly doesn’t like Timothy, but I’m sure he’ll stay in the name of ratings. There is nothing redeemable about that garbage dress and if it were made by any other designer it would be sending them home.
Back on the runway, Heidi announces Kate as the winner of the challenge. Dom and Sandro are safe. Helen is safe, puzzlingly. Kahindo and Timothy are in the bottom, and Timothy is in for color. I loathe this. Kahindo is out? Ugh, whyyyyyy. This world is so stupid.
"I’m in," Timothy smirks back in the green room. Tim doesn’t use his rescue because he agrees with the judges, and he saw the true horror of that inelegant print.
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