It's A Potty

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The designers all hate Gretchen, probably out of jealousy, but she thinks they all respect her and expected her to win both of the challenges and feel that she is raising the bar of the competition. So, maybe they hate her because she's delusional. The challenge is to create a look out of items at a party store. That's rad. Gretchen is totally flummoxed. Casanova... does not get this. In fact, most of the people on the show appear to have never seen the show. Everyone is OUT. OF. SORTS. For the first time this season, the winner of the challenge will get immunity.

Casanova butchers a bunch of stuffed animals and it freaks everyone out. I love that the person we're supposed to believe is the villain is a milquetoast like Gretchen. A.J. would not shut up. Seriously. Is everybody loving Valerie as much as I am? I feel like she's about to do cartwheels and cry all of the time. And, I love that desperately in a person. Gretchen starts giving a lot of advice to people and it looks really annoying, though she seems to be trying to be helpful. Other Michael really doesn't like many people here. A.J. and Gretchen seem to top his list. Tim gets a real kick out of Kristin's "Animal Wooly Balls" that she got from the party store. Serious laughs happen in that workroom that haven't been seen for many seasons.

The designers have an extra challenge of creating an accessory from gift bags of extra party stuff. Fun. Betsey Johnson is the guest judge and she does NOT cartwheel. Hiss. But, she's amazing. Oddly, a lot of the designs look alike to me. Andy pries the victory from Gretchen's steely paws. A.J., Sarah and Casanova are in the bottom three. Sarah is out. That's a boo.

Then! Ivy passes out. The paramedics show up. Scary.

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Previously: The designers had to create walkers, I mean, looks, for the ideal Marie Claire woman. This entailed the creation of nifty pockets for one-a-day vitamins and holsters for lady guns for all of the modern lady cops. In the end, we were all left wondering why Domino folded yet stupid and pointless Marie Claire still exists. I'm sure there's a reason but I'm not listening. Let's all have a moment of silence for Domino, shall we? Shhh. We're not done. OK. Anyway, Jason and Nicholas were the worst of the bunch. Jason was a big baby and walked out without getting a farewell from Tim, while Nicholas was the most nakedly mournful ejected designer we've ever seen. Right? It almost made him memorable.

So, I'm trying to think of what the film version of Eat, Pray, Love has taught me about this season, so far. More saris? Maybe there should be a design challenge where pasta is the fabric. Certainly, it has confirmed for me that there are far too many bangs on this program. It has also reminded me to find footage of James Franco on General Hospital.

They've asked the designers to act like damn fools in the credits this season. Ivy blurts, "I was BORN ready," as if she were experiencing some sort of epileptic fit. And Mondo's "You know you want this," should qualify him for prosecution for some sort of felony. Ridiculous. Other Michael saying with his mannered shrug of the shoulders, "I'm the best there is," looks like he's channeling fucking Blossom. He's dead to me. And Sarah apparently made a wrong turn on the way to Top Chef. She's dressed for it and everything.

It's morning at the Atlas Building and everyone is getting themselves dolled up for another day of back breaking labor. I'd seriously shower once a week if I were on this show. Who cares? So here's Ivy congratulating Gretchen on her second win. Gretchen interviews that the group of designers is very loving and caring, which is paired with footage of Cute Michael saying, "I hate that bitch, Gretchen." He seems like he's being coy, but there's a little truth in every joke. Which is why people get arrested whenever they are even kidding about hurting a public official. Or Sandy Bullock. You just NEVER KNOW WHERE THE TRUTH MAY LIE. Here's a whole montage of Gretchen saying really self-important things about how everyone loves her and thinks the fucking sun rises and sets in her shiny butt. Interspersed are snippets of other designers talking about how much they hate Gretchen. Surprisingly, no one mentions the bangs. Peach thinks that her attitude has changed a lot. I'm not sure that a person who talks about how everyone understood why she was going to win before they even knew that she won needed to change much to become this special sort of idiot. Valerie is the one bright spot (buzz kill). She's not annoyed by Gretchen's success because she thinks that she deserves it. However, it bums her out a little because she wants to win too.

Andy tells us that he's not sure what is going on because he feels like he gave a good showing during the last two challenges, but he judges haven't responded. As they are leaving the apartment, Cute Michael jokes that he hopes their limo is waiting for them. Christopher replies, "The short bus is more like it." Well, well, well. Looks like we've got a joker on board. I didn't know you had it in you, Christopher. Let's see what else you got.

At the runway, Heidi greets the designers from the catwalk. She brings out Gretchen's model, plus the models of Jason and Nicholas. Of course, Gretchen's sticking with her girl and the others are out. That was totally pointless.

Now, Heidi tells the designers that two challenges under their belt is a cause for celebration. Tim is going to throw them a party where he will describe for them the challenge. Don't you just know that Tim has been planning the SHIT out of this party? I'm smelling a rager. Panties are going to get lost. Blackouts for everyone! Andy interviews that he doesn't think they will be popping champagne on a rooftop but I think he doesn't know Tim. This shit's gonna get WILD.

The designers meet Tim at a party supply store. He reveals that he has tricked them. There will be no party. Instead, they will be getting materials for the challenge at the store. Why should we believe anything you say, Tim? He says that he really enjoys the unconventional challenges, because they push the designers to innovate. He reminds everyone that the judges do not like when a designer uses materials that could double as fabric, ala tablecloths, wrapping paper, etc.

They all go crazy in the party store. Tim tells A.J. that this is "his" challenge, because he works with crazy shit. He agrees. Gretchen is whining for someone in the store to help her. This ain't Mood, honey. She interviews that the store is "cheese ball city" and nothing about her design aesthetic is cheese ball. The mannequins are seriously wishing they had eyeballs right now, just so they could ROLL them. Hard. A hard roll. Because Gretchen does not seem to get it. As much as April's snark about Gretchen's lack of creativity seems a little like jealousy, she may have a real point. There's nothing wrong with just making salable stuff either, but Gretchen acts like she's God's fashion conduit.

Casanova is really frustrating me. I understand there are some communication difficulties, but I actually think he doesn't hear what he doesn't want to hear. He asks Tim if they're going to use fabric. Uh, no. Use some party shit and buy it now. Use your mind! He interviews that he has no idea how to make something elegant out of shit. I'm not sure you know how to make something elegant out of anything, but carry on. He gets a bunch of stuffed animals. Also, he goes for Tablecloths. The show reminds us that two minutes earlier Tim told everyone that the judges don't like it when you use tablecloths. GAH. Everybody is done, but not before Christopher models a giant flower on his ass.

Back at the workroom, Peach is excited that she has a complete plan. Gretchen, sounding so self-serious and boring, interviews that her goal is to stay true to herself and her aesthetic, no matter what the challenge. I vow never to relay another thought like that from one of these designers. Because, oh really? You want to be true to yourself? I bet you a grand prize that you would prefer to stay true to whatever the judges want. You and your stupid bangs.

A.J. caucuses a little with Mondo because he's afraid they have the same theme. They don't, really, but A.J. doesn't seem to hear that. He's kind of a spaz right now and it's scary. It makes his face look like Jacob Marley. You know what I mean. Do you? I hope you do.

Tim announces that the winner of this challenge (for the first time this season) will have immunity. Tim leaves and Casanova starts butchering the stuffed animals. It frightens everyone and is accompanied by very serious music. He keeps calling them "plush puppies." I hate that. It really does look grotesque.

Oh my God, commercials. So, party supplies. You know, Julia was at a party in Eat, Pray, Love. A book party or the like. She was in an amazing dress and seemingly taller than every other fucking person in the room including her husband, played by the fun-sized nugget Billy Crudup. It was at this party, it seems, that she felt she no longer belonged with Mr. Crudup. Now, I'm going to admit something right now. The first thing I'm going to admit is that this absolutely NOTHING to do with Project Runway save for my vow to relate everything for the rest of this season to Eat, Pray, Love. Well, that was maybe a vow that's going to be a more difficult fit that I originally thought. But, what I really want to admit is that I kind of related to Billy Crudup's character, which is an enormous thing for me to write considering I live pretty devoutly in a state of W.W.J.D. Julia. What would she do? So, we're a little bit at odds right now. I don't know how to reconcile this.

We're back and it looks like Gretchen is loudly giving people advice. Everyone is a little freaked about using such different materials. Mondo, however, is feeling comfortable. Andy is braiding some ribbon, but isn't sure how he's going to incorporate it into his design.

Kristin mentions to A.J. that she imagines he is psyched about this challenge. He replies that he feels like he's talked a big game to this point and he hopes to deliver. This is certainly his milieu but he's not used to working under this sort of time restraint. He doesn't want to make a messy and silly version of what he usually does. We see him explaining himself to everyone and Other Michael begs, via interview, for him to shut up. It really does look like he's talking a lot, but you never know.

Valerie is using napkins and paper cups and something about the way she is describing her design, in a manner both whimsical and serious, just made her my favorite. Plus, I'm still totally obsessed with Cleveland and that's part of it. Gretchen thinks that Valerie will definitely be in the top... with her. Oh Gretchen. I know it's good to be confident. It's also good to be quiet. She continues. She thinks that Valerie is competition, but she herself is a "force to be reckoned with." Ew. Stop it, girl.

Sarah was worried that her design would be all tablecloth (she must have not been listening to Tim either), so she takes these paper palm trees and paints the fronds different colors. Casanova, still clueless, is cutting a tablecloth when Valerie reminds him that he's not supposed to use that. He interviews that he's not like Andy, April and A.J. with their desires to make circus stuff. He's clearly frustrated right now. If he could just relax a little, he might be able to do this.

Andy is still braiding and Ivy tells him that it's beautiful. A.J. interviews that he thinks that Andy is over-thinking the challenge. Also, Gretchen is still giving advice. Peach says that she's tuning out Gretchen's entire side of the workroom. We see her talking to Sarah and it looks like Sarah actually is soliciting the comments. April says that she thinks it's sad that someone would adjust to meet Gretchen's approval. She's maybe not wrong.

Tim returns and starts with A.J. He tells him that he thinks that this is his challenge. A.J. says that he disagrees. Hmm. He thinks that, with everyone using the same sorts of materials that he usually employs, his stuff won't stand out the same way. Then, there's Other Michael bitching about how everyone thinks this is A.J.'s challenge because of how much he talks about himself. Jesus, this guy is a freaking ball buster. The mannequins are like, "Watch your back, buddy. One day, you're going to do something a little annoying or lacking in self-awareness and we are going to POUNCE." Tim assures him that he should be fine, but he doesn't seem fine. Other Michael has more to say. He says that everyone knows that A.J. loves a hot glue gun, so they're expecting something great. That guy has really got issues. Very mean.

Sarah interviews that Valerie's design is very accessible. Valerie shows her stuff to Tim and he pooh pooh's the use of teal in the otherwise black and white design. She listens to his advice. Gretchen says that she had deigned Andy to be competition, but feels that his work looks like student work. I understand the clinical meaning of that criticism, but I hate it so much. People have feelings before and during the time that they are students that aren't fostered or created by some institution. So, fuck off, Bangs. And, shouldn't we all be students? That's very Eat, Pray, Love without me even trying. But, shouldn't we always be in a place of growth and discovery and experimentation? Even as a designer. I mean, of course I want to know what I'm going to get sometimes, but I also want to see the most creative thing that someone can come up with. RAGE. Andy is still braiding his ribbons and hasn't started on his design proper. Tim warns him to make some commitments.

Kristin shows Tim her work as we hear an interview from Ivy where she says that her designs are atrocious and she shouldn't be here. Tim seems to agree with her. But, then, he notes that she has purchased "animal wooly balls" and seriously loses his shit. Like, I've never seen Tim Gunn laugh like this. Like, he's crying.

Tim tells Ivy that he doesn't think she has enough time to finish her design. Cute Michael interviews that he's worried about her too. Can we talk about his voice for a minute? It's crazy. It's like aluminum foil. And, I LOVE IT. Seriously, it's giving me chills here, people. I'm going to register for our wedding in like 10 minutes. Williams-Sonoma. I need some Le Creuset. And weirdly shaped Bundt pans.

Peach tells Tim that she's trying to be subtle and he doesn't like it. He thinks that this is the challenge to be outrageous. He feels that she acts like she has a piece of coal up her ass. He thinks that she should turn it into a diamond and pull it out. Seriously, I did not make that up. She laughs. Other Michael has made a lovely red dress and Tim likes it. Sarah thinks it's great too. She tries to tell Tim about her dress and he likes the shapes and colors. Gretchen, of course, is perfect, though Other Michael hates her shit. She tells Tim that she was listening to "other opinions" and doubting herself. Who had a chance to give her an opinion with all of her talking? This makes me feel manipulated by production. Anyway, Tim tells her to trust herself and she agrees to do just that.

Casanova tells Tim that he still wants to use tablecloth though he was told not to. Tim tells him to make it work and moves on. Smart move from Tim to not engage. Tim tells everyone that the potential in the room is amazing and he feels that everyone's concepts are profound. God, I love it when he talks like that, though I don't feel that way at all.

Sarah is really worried and Gretchen gives her all sorts of advice. She's still worried. The models return and everyone gets to fitting. Valerie is worried about her skirt being too heavy. Sarah is worried about finishing her look. The models return with gift bags. And a note. The designers have to create an accessory from items in the gift bag. They head home, because the day is over.

The day, as they are getting ready, Mondo asks if he should wear a fake mustache. I say yes. Casanova also says yes. Let's see what happens. Gretchen says that she thinks it will affect the dynamic if she wins for a whopping third time in a row. She looks so annoying when she says that. Peach and April vow that she won't win. A.J. is still talking. Valerie says that if she's in the top with Gretchen again and doesn't win, she'll be the Susan Lucci of Project Runway, thus sealing my love for her. It's done folks. I'm hers.

At the workroom, they have two hours to work. Gretchen reminds everyone that the need to clean up their stations, which makes everyone hate her more. Big mistake, Gretchen. The models come in for a fitting. Valerie made a ring for her girl. Christopher made a bracelet, though he was shooting for an anklet. His model discouraged him. Tim enters and says that he has chills. Peach and April help Andy finish his garment, which was lovely. Gretchen is not happy with that though, because she feels like he had time management issues. Fuck that.

Christopher says that he's nervous about his model tearing his dress. Sarah's outfit doesn't fit and she has to put it together on the model. They all run through hair and make-up. Ivy says that she's getting light-headed from smelling the hot glue that she's using.

On the runway, Heidi greets the designers. She introduces Michael, Nina, and... Betsey Johnson!!! She fakes a cartwheel. Faker. The show begins and Christopher's dress is an Audrey Hepburn Givenchy neckline dress of napkins. It's lovely. Cute Michael's dress is . It's silver lame and blue something. It's only OK. Cute, though stiff, silhouette. Shit. Andy's dress is ribbon black and silver shit. It's amazing. It looks like leather.

A.J.'s dress looks like wrapping paper with party favors stuck to it. Ugly. Wrong. He thinks he's winning, but he's not. This season, we've been hearing the designers talking under their breath about designs. Cute Michael whispers to Gretchen that things are misplaced on A.J.'s look. Here's Ivy's dress. It's super intricate, with napkin shit everywhere, but it looks too heavy. It makes the model look thick. My opinion -- I think everyone is going to love this.

Other Michael's dress is a floor-length fitted dress in red. It's gorgeous. Peach has a short dress with a flared zebra-print skirt with hot pink tulle stuff. Here's Gretchen's look. It's a tinsel skirt with a black shrug of paper. It's pretty normal for party supplies. Gretchen says that she can see herself wearing it. Mondo made a pink dress with a vinyl bodice and a napkin or garland skirt. Pretty. Casanova made a floor-length dress of black, silver and gray. It's pretty intricate and I don't think the judges will know what he made it with. Kristin's dress is a mess. It's a baby doll halter that is all over the place. Sarah's dress is a boring nothing. Valerie's dress is amazing. She agrees and thinks that she might win. A sexy halter in black and white.

Heidi calls Peach, Other Michael, Ivy, Kristin, Cute Michael, Mondo, Christopher and April. They're all safe. They leave the runway and freak out backstage. Onstage, the models return. Heidi says that the losing model will be eliminated with the losing designer. They start with Valerie's look. Michael thinks that Valerie's styling is amazing, though he's not wild about her accessory. Nina loves the graphic of the black and white. Betsey finds it beautiful. She also loves that you could wipe your face with the dress. Oh, Betsey. I love you.

A.J. tells the judges that he had a lot of fun and wanted to make a birthday dress. He used cupcake foils to make his accessory -- a necklace. Heidi only likes the necklace. She finds the dress silly. Nina thinks it's a "hot mess." He thanks her and Heidi informs him that Nina wasn't complimenting him. Welcome back to fucking 7th grade. Betsey says that he was in the party spirit but she wishes he'd taken it even further. He thanks her for having his back.

Andy used balloons to make gloves for his model. Awesome. Michael loves his dress. Nina thinks it's remarkable. Betsey wonders if it's too beautiful. Michael thinks that, ahem, Casanova's girl looks like a flamenco transvestite at a funeral. Wow. Michael thinks the taste level is missing. Betsey like that the back is different from the front. Sarah does a shit job of selling her dress. Nina thinks it looks simple. Heidi thinks it's sad. Nina thinks that Gretchen's look is fabulous. She thinks it's "now." Ew. Michael loves it. Betsey thinks it's a combo of Tina Turner and Mel Gibson/Mad Max. They hate the boots that Gretchen chose.

Backstage, the designers gather. They ask Andy what the judges thought about his piece and Gretchen starts to describe it. Someone, a woman, maybe Kristin, says that she wants to hear it from Andy. She smiles and concedes. Andy says that Betsey thought it was too beautiful. A.J. tries to say that she was saying that it was too serious, but Gretchen asks him if she can talk. Hmm. This feels weird and like I don't know everything that came before it. A.J. says that she talks all of the time. There's weirdness and he says that he's not going to fight with her. She says that he's just being sensitive because he's on the bottom. On first viewing, I thought that maybe A.J. was being a little sensitive, but I have to say that Gretchen looks like a real asshole right now.

The judges are conferring. They think that Casanova has no taste. Everyone feels like Sarah should have ditched the palm shit. They point out that Sarah was aware that her design was lackluster while Casanova thought his stuff was amazing. They all felt like A.J.'s look was a mess... and not deliberatly. Betsey loved all of the lines in Valerie's look. Nina thought it was styled well and lovely. Betsey loved the beauty of Andy's look. Michael loved the cut. Michael thinks that Kate Moss would wear Gretchen's look. Nina loved the styling.

The designers return to the stage. Valerie is in. She goes backstage and tells everyone she didn't win. Everyone tells her that she was great. Andy is the winner!! He hugs Gretchen then goes backstage and tells everyone the news. He gets huge applause. He interviews that he needed this. Gretchen is in. Ha. A.J. is in.

It's down to Sarah and Casanova. Heidi says that Casanova tried too much with his look. She tells Sarah that her look was sad and boring. She says that they had a tough decision between sad and safe and a parade float. Ouch. Casanova is in. Poo. Sarah is out!! He does a classy cartwheel behind the scrim as Sarah is shrinking onstage. She gets her kisses and goes backstage.

She's totally a great sport. Other Michael cries to get attention and I think he's a loser. Tim enters and says that the show was fabulous. He says that they will miss Sarah, but she's gotta go. She acknowledges that her dress was not good.

Later, Ivy passes out. The paramedics show up. She tells them that she's just tired, but they take her to the hospital. We'll see if Ivy returns!

Jeff Long is a writer/actor living in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com

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