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New season! This doesn't feel particularly urgent, us having a new season of this show. Still, it's great to be introduced to a bunch of new people that we may grow to hate. Oddly enough, production decided to have Tim and Heidi preemptively introduce us to the designers this year, instead of having them sort of introduce each other as they entered their apartment. Perhaps the universe is trying to make Heidi Klum earn all of the Emmy nominations that she has been stealing from Cat Deeley? I don't know, that's just a guess. She starts off on the right foot, confirming my pre-premiere research that Christopher, a designer with an elegant streak, is cute and maybe the hottie to beat (in the hottie game, not the actual competition). The more these brief introductions continue, the more you become aware that Heidi has never before laid eyes on any of these suckers and calling Christopher cute was the only authentic moment of the whole charade.
Then, we move on to the designers actually speaking for themselves. Lots of bold personalities. Casanova is the name of a person. He says things about New York's balls. I officially hate one-eighth or so of the contestants when A.J. appears. ADORABLE. He designs for girls who will "wear just about anything." I already feel my fingers crossing for him. He even demonstrates, brace yourselves, a healthy sense of awareness and humility. A distant planet just farted right now. There's a 50-year old named Peach Carr. She's kind of rad. Jason is our requisite "I AM STRAIGHT AND I LOVE FASHION" guy and I'm already tired of it.
Christopher is indeed cute, though his shaved head seems somehow mannered. Heidi has so many bangs. They meet at the new home of Fashion Week, Lincoln Center. Wait, Michael is the cutest. OK, for the first challenge, they have to reach into their suitcases and pull out something they would want to incorporate into their design. Then, they have to pass that something to the person on their right and that person has to use it in their design.
At Parson's, Valerie, from Cleveland (one of my fave places on the PLANET) reveals herself to have a ton of heart. They get to work and Jason's totally distracted by how hot his model is and boobies. Gretchen, our green designer, wins the competition with a really elegant little black number. McKell, a hippie mom from Utah, was eliminated from the challenge, while Casanova got to remain on the program.
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It's a new season, everybody! Don't you just know that fashion is going to be positively REVOLUTIONIZED before we're done? I know it. I at least know that some struggling designer is going to tell me that he or she is revolutionizing fashion in an interview format with two incredulous mannequins staring on. That I'm sure of. And I choose to believe, sage advice from mannequins be damned.
Here are Heidi and Tim in separate interviews, welcoming us to Season 8. This is new. Usually we meet the designers as they wander into the apartments. Heidi's hair is pinned back in a way that I'm not sure doesn't remind me of something I don't like. I'm guessing that since Project Runway hasn't had any runaway hit personalities in the last few seasons, production chose to lead with proven faves, our hostess and mentor. Tim tells us that we will see some wonderful designers and Heidi says that we've got some "good characters." I know it's become somewhat normal to refer to people on reality shows as characters, but it still makes me really uneasy. Maybe she means, like, "what a character!" Whatever. There's some dude wearing a bowler hat which manages to make his otherwise normal-looking head appear misshapen and possibly incomplete. He's gonna be great with dressing other people.
There's a guy walking with his bags and Tim VO's that his name is A.J. and his style is Heatherette meets Betsey Johnson. That could be a lot of fun, though, let's be real, that combo was last relevant circa 2006. But, he appears to resemble Season 2 mega-crush Daniel Vosovic, which is enough for me to give him a chance. And my number.
Heidi VO's over footage of a young man walking. His name is Andy and his looks are apparently Asian-inspired, to which Heidi says "go figure." Because he's Asian. BUT, she adds, they're actually very cool. I know she doesn't really mean that this Asian guy is inspired by his culture, but, wait, it doesn't suck. However, don't let the words choose you, Heidi. Choose the words.
Blonde girl April is hailing a cab as Tim VO's that she is a recent design school grad and accustomed to a difficult environment. As a product of drama school, I'm not sure I agree with that logic. Or, at least I feel like it's missing a phrase. Because being accustomed to something doesn't necessarily mean that it benefited you. Like, I could become accustomed to wearing a really tight corset...by my organs all squishing together. Try this: She's a recent design school grad and accustomed to a difficult environment and she's insane and damaged. We'll see. April could be our dark horse fun-maker.
Heidi tells us that Kristin, who we see making her way through a New York train station, makes a lot of mistakes but they're "good mistakes." Wow. It has come to this. I'm thinking that maybe Heidi is annoying the hell out of me right now and this season is approximately one minute old. I just don't believe her. Do you believe her? I'm sick of not believing shit. BE BELIEVABLE. I understand that everyone has their job and needs money and not everyone is the creative center, but I believe that Heidi Klum Seal should fucking ENGAGE a little more with this shit instead of just reciting. Everybody has to be feeling that a little now, right? Heidi no more thinks about Kristin's mistakes being "good mistakes" than she thinks about covalent bonds and for what their electronegativity is a metaphor. I don't think about covalent bond either (a LOT. I mean, I'm not a savage), but I think about the freaking designers on HER show. She should seem a little more schooled on them as well. I don't believe a word she's saying right now. But, seriously, write me if you want to talk about covalent bonds. And, by "covalent bonds," I mean Scissor Sisters or Chris Adrian. Or, Angelina Jolie in Salt. Because, that shit changed the world, folks.
Here's some sort of Goth dude on a ferry near the Statue of Liberty. That's completely contrived unless he lives on Staten Island. I can't imagine why he would need to take that ferry. Tim VO's that he was blown away by Mondo at the auditions, but we'll see how he fares in front of the judges. His name is Mondo. Here's McKell, a dreadlocked chick riding an escalator. Heidi VO's that she has a baby, so she must really want this a lot.
A really cute guy and girl walk by with no introduction. Then, Tim VO's for some other girl that she (Gretchen) is talented and confident. And, Heidi VO's that Christopher designs upscale, elegant stuff. And, she says he's cute, though I'm confident she has not yet laid eyes on him as she says this. That said, Christopher is indeed cute, though perhaps a tad too tweezed. Relax boys, we're gonna love you. A couple more guys walk by as Tim VO's that, because this is such a talented group, they're going to have to "keep them on their toes." I honestly don't believe Tim either just then. We're being lied to. Heidi says that things are going to be tough around there.
The show begins proper now. There's the briefest of credits, then the cute girl walking sans introduction before is revealed as Ivy Higa, 30. She says that she thinks that this is The Ivy Show, but she doesn't believe that at all. Instead, what she believes is that if she expends enough shameless energy, she will exploit herself into some sort of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon. Then, she won't have to worry about being an actual person. People will have to worry about her. Like, what if she gets torn on a lamppost and starts careening out of control and killing or neck-injuring dozens? No, Ivy doesn't want to worry about the others. She's going to work desperately and unsuccessfully towards being one of the elite who struggled to get there but ultimately gets to act like they're really annoyed by all of the attention. That said, the stuff that we see from her collection doesn't look bad. A little derivative and Stella and drape-y, but not horrible. She tells us that she's an amazing technician and she's awesome but she also tells us that she's really organized, which isn't so cool and maybe gives her a little bit of soul.
We see this dude, Carlos Casanova, enter the auditions and Tim asks him why he wants to be called "Casanova" instead of his complete name. We don't really hear his answer, instead, we hear the judges grouse about what a stupid name he has. He tells us that he's from Puerto Rico and has done a lot of pageants and shiz. He thinks that this is the step. Lame. He says this weird shit about eating New York or it eating him, but...maybe it's great, I don't know. All of this has already annoyed me.
Wow, here's this girl, Sarah Trost, who is from Somewhere, California and designs dresses out of the liners of my dad's hats. Plaid, satin shit. Ugly. You are a failure, Sarah. I'm telling you now. And, your hair. Wait, something has happened to me. This first few minutes of Heidi and Tim has turned me on the whole show. That doesn't seem fair to the contestants. I'm going to do my best to be even-handed. Ha! No I'm not. I hate EVERYONE!
Sarah meets A.J. at the airport. He's adorable. He tells her that he's from St. Charles, Missouri, which freaks the shit out of her. Stupid. He tells us that he designs for the party girl. I like that. No one is really doing that anymore. For the love of WHOOPI, could there please be more party girls? We see some stuff and it's not spectacular, but this is the 8th season so why don't we all just calm down. A.J. tells us that he'd love to say that he's the fucking shit and is going to kill everyone, but he knows that EVERYONE knows that anyone who says that doesn't know the time of day. I love him. I'll give you details later. He tells Sarah that he was afraid he'd be meeting some old lady who didn't know anything.
Cut to Peach Carr, 50-years old, from Lake Forest, Illinois. She tells us, accompanied by super condescending music that makes me want to l
ike her though perhaps I shouldn't, that she designs for the "ladies who lunch." Hats? I don't see any. Does anyone still wear hats? [Editor's Note: Stunning Elaine Stritch reference, Jeff. I'll drink to that. -- Mindy] Peach interviews that "hell to the yes" she expects to be the oldest. She expects a nine-year old to be her roomie. Then, some dude with highlights and flower appliqués on his shirt appears. His name is Nicholas and they seem happy to meet each other. He says that he can't wait to beat her, which he has been waiting to say for a long time. She replies that he, a "little boy," should get ready to be schooled. Peach has good game.
At Grand Central Station, Casanova and Kristin meet McKell. Casanova gives her a hard time about being from Utah and she interviews that she's used to the prejudice. She mentions that she left her nine-month old at home and is feeling the effects.
Kristin tells us, in an AUTHORITATIVE voice, that she lets the mistakes in her pieces speak for themselves. She's an "accidental apparel designer." Oh, YES, she says, you CAN let the crooked zipper stay in the piece. Maybe if you act like you're going to have a cow if somebody disagrees with you, you crazy. The mannequins are positively silent. I can't tell, but I think they're chuckling. They clearly think this shit is ridonk. The club can't even handle them now. [Editor's Note: Equally stunning Flo Rida reference, Jeff. You, shawty, get low, low, low, etc. -- Mindy]
Here's some douchebag who talks about being FOURTEEN and in design and, um, straight. It's clearly an important label for him, the straight designer thing. And, I can understand that, especially if he's been called a fag since he was 14. But, actually being a fag is a bigger deal. So, dude with your fucking insanely uncool bowler hat, especially when paired with your fairly shapeless untucked pink shirt? I don't know. Get over your shit. God, I hate everything right now. He tells us that he wasn't worried about people saying shit to him because he had a short temper and would "straighten them out." He lives in Greenwich, Connecticut. The mannequins are having strokes. He tells us that he likes tough looks on women and he's "not so tender" on men. What the FUCK is he wearing? You're not a waif, Jason. You should be showing off your tits, which you apparently work for per the video of you punching a bag over your koi pond in CT. Jason tells us that he's wearing his ill-fitting and perfectly stupid hat as a way to intimidate his fellow designers. He feels that it gives him the look of a Roman soldier and some sort of mohawk thing. I know. I don't really have anything to say about that.
Jason meets Gretchen on the street. She is from Portland and seems to be perfectly lovely. Then, he asks her what NATIONALITY she is. No lie. She gives a really good attempt at not looking at him like an insane person for that being the first question he asks her. Then, she spouts out a whole bunch of white people places. She's from ALL of them, Jason, you moron. I appreciate that you want to have sex with Gretchen. We get it, you like the cervix. I don't want to write "vagina" for you. She hates you though. Her cervix AND her vagina are in agreement. Somebody help Gretchen! She wants to get away from him.
Mondo, Peach, and Nicholas all meet on some boat that seems completely unnecessary. Why on a boat? Just for fun? There's no fun on PR! Ivy joins them. There's a bunch of weird talk about how people name their collections. It's embarrassing. Now, here's April and Christopher talking about their styles. They seem genuine and serious. However, Chris has such a mannered pair of eyebrows and I think that maybe he has tweezed his forehead ala Queen Elizabeth I/Cindy Crawford. The mannequins don't know what to think about him. April says that she's confident in her talents. They meet Gretchen and Jason on the street where April tells us that she designs fucked up stuff.
A.J. and Sarah meet this dude Michael at the airport. He's from Palm Springs and has been designing since he was a teen. He's totally the dude who thinks that he's the badass and is going to rape the world. He even gives devil horns to prove how obviously evil he is.
All the designers meet at Lincoln Center. Heidi and Tim greet them and Heidi has so many effing bangs. Tim says that the first challenge of the competition is the last phase of the audition process!! Wha? Everyone is completely stunned, because the myth of the actual competition, though you've already made it on the television show, is incredibly strong.
Heidi says that the designers must pull out of their suitcases one garment that they would like to be part of their challenge. So, that's what they did. Then, Heidi tells everybody to pass the garment to the right. Apparently, CASANOVA chose a pair of thousand dollar jeans. Ouch. But, he says that the idiom in the US is that "Shit Happens." True dat.
Tim tells them that they will have five hours to complete a design using the original garment. They head to Parsons. Gretchen tells us that she's part bohemian, part modernist. She tells us that she's kind of a hippie.
At Parsons, Valerie; from Cleveland, Ohio, an amazing place with or without any damn LeBron James; tells us that she loves fashion and is doing this for all of her peeps back home. She cries a little bit and it's completely authentic and I think I love her. Bless her little heart.
Tim comes in and introduces them to Parsons. There's a lot of HP plugging. Also, Mood is apparently in Parsons now? Andy, from Aloha, started with designing pageant gowns. April wants to design a coat dress, but it's short.
Peach apparently can't handle her fabric -- it's coming unraveled -- and Michael thinks that a good designer would know what to do. All I know is that Michael is my pick for hottie of the summer.
Tim comes in to check on everyone. He thinks that McKell's outfit is a disaster. He thinks that Nicholas is making something that could be good, but is not yet there. Casanova looks like he's in trouble. Tim tells April that she needs to make some decisions. Valerie interviews that April's not doing very well. Tim's also not into what Jason is doing. Gretchen presents herself as thoughtful to Tim. He loves what she's doing. Tim gives Peach some great advice for using the fall-apart skirt of Michael's. FYI, Michael seems insulted by her feelings for the skirt.
Tim sends in the models and the designers will have 10 minutes to fit them. Ouch. Valerie tells Ivy that she thought she was hardcore. Jason's all excited about the boobs on his model. Greenwich, CT. He needs to get it together because his model is GORGEOUS. Kristin FORGETS to take her model to make-up and hair. Yes. No words.
Here we are on the runway. Selma Blair is the guest judge! Hi, Michael and Nina. Wow, this is her first stab at relevance in a while! Valerie is first and her dress is a mess. This is such a stupid challenge. Peach is and it's a black and white print dress that's a fucking disaster. McKell is and it's a halter dress that is gross. She's carrying a bag and Christopher whispers to her that it was a perfect bag for the dress. That's sweet. Andy's look is Asian-influenced and pretty cool. Sarah made a jumper that works OK. Nicholas made an evening gown that's a yawn. Mondo's dress was a huge bore. I hate all of this. Ivy made a weird top with stupid capri pants. Michael made a cliché, yet finely tailored skirt and top. Kristin's look is sort of a beautiful mistake. My apologies to Heidi's writer. Christopher's look is NOT cute. April's look is seriously unfinished. What a mess. Gretchen's look is elegant and successful. My boyfriend Michael kind of rocked a kimono look. Jason's look is a robe turned backwards. A.J.'s girl looks like what he described -- a party girl. Casanova forgot to dress his girl. Oh no. Nina is about to swallow her tongue.
A.J., Peach, Sarah, Kristin, Michael Costello, Mondo, Valerie, cute Michael, Christopher, and Andy are safe. They leave
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the stage and celebrate. The models return to the stage. Heidi says that they had a rare unanimous decision. It's Gretchen! Michael thinks it's wearable but interesting. Nina thought it was sophisticated. Selma liked it too.
The others are all in the bottom. They hate that Ivy didn't really change Peach's stupid pants. Jason gets slammed for just turning a bathrobe backwards. April gets spanked for deconstructing a look without making it look polished. Nina hates McKell's styling. Michael agrees. Heidi says it's "butt ugly." She thinks that Nicholas's gown is boring and weird. He gets a little weepy. Michael thinks that Casanova's look is like a "pole dancer in Dubai." Selma likes that it at least got a reaction from her. Heidi asks him to defend himself, but he doesn't understand the question. So, Nina translates the question in whatever crazy language they speak. He says he's a big thinker.
The judges debate while the designers are backstage. Ivy thinks she's going home. The designers return to the runway and Nicholas and Jason are passed through. McKell is out. Wow, cutting to the chase. She goes backstage and everybody cheers because they think she made it. They're shocked. She gets hugs from everyone. Ivy and Casanova make it through. They go backstage and cheer as McKell stares on. Tim tells her that he thought her dress was adorable, though ill-fitting. She says that no one would get anything done if they quit after their first defeat. True dat.
The designers make their way to the Atlas Building! They all settle in and go to sleep, excited that they are finally part of the show!
Jeff Long is a writer/actor in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.
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