The dresses, in my opinion, were all pretty nice-looking. Uli's was a pretty lavender. Michael's had some execution problems but was still a nice idea. Kayne of Many Colors is really getting ragged on for being tacky, but I thought his dress looked appropriate. Laura really looked like she might get the boot this time, for being boring. Again, I wish I weren't like this, but I got really freaking nervous -- because I love her. But luckily Vincent made the most offensive errors, though it was my favorite design of his so far. And, 49 years too late, he is sent home.
Previously: Angela got her big cosmic payback for being Stalin in a former life or something. After being picked on for weeks by Jeffrey, he won the challenge and she was sent home after arriving in Paris moments earlier. That's gonna leave a mark.
We're still in France. In fact, it's only moments after Angela's aufing, and we're back at Parsons Paris (still my favorite thing to say over and over and my personal vote for what Laura should name the new bun in the oven -- "PP, act like a lady!" I love it, especially if it's a boy). The designers are still wearing their jet-setting uniforms. There's more accordion music. It's totally appropriate for the occasion, but I'm having a lot of problems with the scoring of Project Runway. After a while, it sounds like a jack-in-the-box. It's making me feel a little crazy.
Tim congratulates Jeffrey for his win in the last challenge and tells him that he'll be immune from elimination in this challenge. Catherine Malandrino is beside Tim, and she describes the new challenge. There should be some sort of prize for even understanding what the hell she's saying. The hard part about understanding a French accent, other than it not sounding like English, is that the emphases are deceptive. They're talking, and you think they're going to say one word, but -- dead man's curve -- they were actually saying this other word. It's exhausting. And when there's accordion music playing behind it? It's A Clockwork Orange up in here.
Catherine explains that the Paris Challenge will be to create a couture gown. Tim further explains that the only people that can actually call themselves couture designers are those who are licensed by the French government. However, for the challenge, the designers will have to employ couture techniques. That means hand-sewn hems and embroidery, and beading that is handmade. Catherine says that they will have only two days to complete the gowns. Everybody seems pretty daunted, as it usually takes like 700 man-hours to complete a couture gown. And this is the first time I've been able to actually gauge the designers' reactions, since Angela's screaming and flailing usually distracts me.
Finally, the producers realize that we can't understand a damn thing that Catherine says, and adds subtitles to her statement. The designers are going to present their gowns at a party. Then she leaves, and my ears relax a little.
Tim tells everyone that they are going to freshen up at their hotel; then he's going to take them out to dinner. Everyone seems excited at the prospect. These guys are getting some quality Tim time, what with the long plane trip and now dinner.
At the Hotel Lutetia, which is French for "Atlas Apartments," Kayne of Many Colors and Michael take in the view from their balcony. KoMC tells us that he, Michael, Vincent, and Jeffrey are sharing a room on the top floor and it's beautiful. The girls are also excited. Uli is glad to be back in Europe because it's home.
Jeffrey is eating a kiwi fruit while we hear him interview that Paris is great, but he's REALLY excited that Angela is gone. The thing I'm starting to like about Jeffrey is how reliable he is. No big surprises with this guy. Who knows how unsettling it might be if he decided to grow or something? Luckily, I don't think we're going to have to worry about that.
Tim arrives in the boys' room and declares it "very French." In hotel terms, I'm guessing that means opulent (or overdecorated). The view is "thrilling."
Accompanied by more of the accordion music, the designers and Tim take a little walking tour of Paris. Michael interviews that the city inspires him. They sit for dinner at a neat-looking little French restaurant, and Laura interviews that it was the first relaxing dinner the designers have had together. They all toast to being in Paris, and KoMC adds, "And for Jeffrey's first win." That's pretty nice. You know, aside from Laura, who has had problems with Jeffrey in the past, it seems like the other designers get along with him for the most part. Which, after typing, I realize doesn't really mean anything to me. Just pointing it out.
The morning, we see the girls rising and shining. Laura interviews that they are at a level in the competition where "you can be sent home when you least expect it," because they are down to the most talented designers in the group. And Vincent.
Tim enters the boys' room to find them all sketching. They all take a trip on the subway (which gets Tim's stamp of approval) to get fabric. Some guy on the train asks Jeffrey what he does. Jeffrey is clearly thrilled to be seen as a big shot, you can tell. A lot of people would probably feel that way, I'm not saying it's a character flaw (poseur) -- just pointing it out. The guy seems a little unimpressed when he finds out that Jeffrey is a fashion designer. He was hoping for a member of the Foo Fighters or Sandra Bullock's husband.
Tim takes them to the highest point in Paris and tells them that they will have a half hour to sketch. More accordion. It's seriously killing me. Michael interviews that he doesn't want to try to make his design edgy at all, because he is not experienced with couture dressmaking. Vincent, however, says that he was trained in couture techniques. It turns him on. For real, he said that.
, they go to Reine, which is French for "Mood." They will have 300 Euros ($375 USD) for supplies. Tim warns them that couture fabrics are very expensive. Laura says that shopping in a new fabric store is "spooky" because they were getting used to Mood. I'd really like to know how Mood's business has been affected since this show began. It has to be huge. Vincent appears to freak out one of the employees at Reine by exclaiming, "Ooh, she knows what I like!" Or maybe he reminds her of Jerry Lewis and that's a look of admiration.
Jeffrey shows Tim two bright yellow plaid fabrics. Tim says that they are unexpected and risky. I think they're perfect for Jeffrey. They have a little old-school punk quality, yet are gown-quality fabrics. Even seeing part of this fabric on the preview for this week's episode, I remember thinking that they looked pretty hot. I guess I'd prefer that it weren't Jeffrey using them, because I think he's an asshole and all. But I'm trying to give credit where it's due. Good fabric choice, asshole. Jeffrey says that his concept for his gown is "happy, joyous, and free." And his inspiration is the Statue of Liberty. Again, that's good stuff, especially since the French gave us the Statue of Liberty. It's cool and specific and clever. Did we give them anything in return for Lady Liberty? Well, better late than never -- take Jeffrey. He's our thank-you note. ["Pass." -- France]
Once they have their supplies, the designers return to Parsons Paris, where there is a model card on each of their stations. These are the girls who will be modeling their designs in Paris. Tim reminds them that they will have to refit their gowns on their New York models when they return.
Uli interviews that she didn't buy any wacky prints for this design. She's as amazed as we are. Laura is going to make a simple black gown with a white collar and try to spice it up. Michael says he is going to make the shape of his dress simple, so he can spend a lot of time on the details. I'm noticing that they're all saying essentially the same thing. They're doing something that they can add to, but they don't want to be left with, like, a really fancy left boob and nothing else.
In the sewing room, Kayne of Many Colors says that he is very excited about his dress. It's something that he would make for one of his "favorite pageant girls." Laura suggests that maybe he shouldn't make a gown like he usually makes, and he quiets her with, "It's going to be very couture-esque." Saying "couture-esque" doesn't bode well for this dress looking couture... esque. Laura interviews that KoMC has some "Vegas tendencies." That sounds like the title of a play that would have been written in 1986. I'm not entirely sure that there wasn't one. Kayne's making a bodice out of a gold mesh material that Laura thinks looks like a pageant gown. Jeffrey goes further and says that it looks like a prom gown. Okay, here's my thesis: my problem with Jeffrey is that he says shit like that as an insult. It's one thing that it's true, it's another that he says it to bite, not to critique. But whatever, dude is hated.
Vincent gets the "he's wacky" soundtrack underscore as he's staring at his dress form. He interviews verbosely that his dress will look nice. Takes him like ten minutes, and I drooled on my keyboard, but he finally gets the message across. He thinks his dress is going to look great. The pattern will a) look couture, b) fall beautifully, c) fit stunningly. Better late than never, there, Vincent. Laura interviews that "Vincent is a legend in his own mind." He's also a lizard, the wind, and Richard Pryor in his own mind; but thankfully, he only makes us privy to the legend. Laura says that Vincent spends a lot of time looking at his work on the dress form and asking for opinions from the other designers -- though he's really just looking for someone to like his work as much as he does. Damn, that's harsh. Sister's gonna have her own stuff to answer for come reunion time, huh? Do you remember when Vincent told Laura to stick some Harry Winstons up her nose? It has taken me some time to really enjoy the hilarity of that moment. That, to me, may be one of the great comebacks of the Aughts. I just didn't want the season to slip by without handing out that little kudo. Seriously, it's the "No, no no no no no!" for the new century.
Laura asks Michael if he can pull off the scalloping on the bodice of his gown. He's not sure, but he's going to "damn well try." And boom, it's the end of the day.
The morning, Jeffrey is using an electric razor in the boys' hotel room as Vincent is trying to sleep. Vincent's all, "Don't you see me sleeping?" Jeffrey just keeps on shaving, and I can't really blame him. There's full sunlight streaming into the room, so it's not like Jeffrey's grooming is the only distracting thing in that environment. And there's a camera crew. I'm sure they shave from time to time themselves, so relax, Vincent.
In le workroom, the designers are working away as Tim enters. He speaks with Michael first, who tells Tim that he has never before made a gown with that much detail. So, he's going to make the shape of his dress basic. Yeah, we've heard that. Michael tells Tim that he's worried about time.
A suddenly full-term Laura tells Tim that the basic form of her dress is completed (it's a black dress with a plunging neckline), so that she may dedicate the rest of her time to her collar. At the same time Tim questions whether she will be able to finish it or not, he emphasizes that the collar needs to be "exuberant" and essentially make the dress disappear. He's asking for a magic collar, is all.
Kayne of Many Colors is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "I'm really excited to be here." Tim is not excited about Kayne's dress; he tells Kayne that it's not pretty. He doesn't like the boning visible in the bodice, which must be some offense to couture technique, because from my living room it doesn't look that crazy. That said, why the hell won't KoMC ever listen to Tim? He made some changes during the recycling challenge, but he would have had to have been color-blind not to know that his dress was going horribly awry then. To me, it doesn't seem like you'd be a sell-out to take some advice from a person of Tim's expertise. Especially if he's hot. That last part is just my own personal standard.
Okay, these guys are getting a little batty. In the midst of working, the true absurdity of a challenge as huge as this one seems to fully hit Jeffrey. He starts laughing hysterically and saying that creating a couture gown in two days is like creating an atom bomb in two days. I seriously question Jeffrey's perspective. However, who thinks that the tagline for his clothing company should be "Weapons of Mass Seduction"? I hate myself.
Laura thinks that KoMC is going to be nailed by the judges and have "his head handed to him on a ree-dee-coo-lus platter." He's not around when she says that. She adds that she really likes KoMC and doesn't want to see him get hurt. "Who cares if he gets hurt?" replies Jeffrey. He's just being honest! And childish.
KoMC says that he can't change too much about his dress with the time constraints they have. Vincent tells Jeffrey that Laura has made a "creature from the black lagoon." Jeffrey thinks that it's going to be boring and that Laura only knows how to do one thing. Here's the thing: I don't feel like Jeffrey has exhibited any wild range either. It's different from the norm, but it's not like each piece he makes is totally different from every other thing he's done. He does a lot of deconstruction and asymmetries. I feel like it's easy to say some of that stuff about Laura because her work is clean. And, though she hasn't created something totally unexpected, that doesn't mean that Jeffrey has. He has created the same skirt five times and the same pants twice. Et cetera. But again, that's just a response to his shit-talking.
Michael is ruching the bodice of his gown, and Vincent tells him that it has "a funk to it." I don't know if he means that it smells bad or that it's cool. He interviews that Michael's gown is poorly made. He tells Michael that he has to hide the thread. Michael interviews that he has never done as much hand-stitching as this gown requires, so he's nervous. Jeffrey, while eating some chicken off of a bone, which makes me want to puke, and was it really necessary to turn up the sound, Project Runway? to typing and the smell of urine, sewing and meat being ripped off of a bone has to be the grossest combination of senses that there is. And when someone shakes your hand and brushes the palm of your hand with a finger. That's really only one sense, but it violates the rest of them. I hate that. You should be able to press charges. Anyway, Jeffrey, while making me ill, tells Michael that his dress is going to be a lot of work. He says it looks like he's trying to do what Malan tried. With a mature version of "I know you are but what am I?" Michael says that he will take Jeffrey's remark about Malan as a compliment.
Jeffrey declares that his is the only couture garment being made by the designers because 85 percent of his is handmade. ["Does Jeffrey ever get tired of being the 'only' designer to do anything right on a given challenge? Rhetorical, never mind." -- Joe R] Laura asserts that it only has to "look" handmade, which Jeffrey accuses her of saying only because she hasn't handmade anything on her dress. She is making at that moment, with her hands, a collar. But whatever.
When they are finished for the day, everyone seems exhausted. Jeffrey says that he has never been that delirious. Laura interviews that the wear and tear of the competition is harder on her because she's pregnant. She mentions that her ankles have disappeared, which makes me very sad for her. Tell that baby to leave your feet alone. Back at the hotel, after Laura goes to bed, KoMC still says that he loves his dress even though Tim hates it.
The morning, the girls go to the boys' room before they head to the workroom. We see Uli say, "Mr. Kayne, wake up!" That makes me very happy for some reason. He replies, "Just shoot me in the face." KoMC says that everyone is very focused on the challenge.
At the workroom, Vincent is still putting his dress together. Uli interviews that the fabric for his skirt looks like a sofa. Tim enters and tells the designers that they will have two and a half hours to dress and style their models. Laura asks if they will have a traditional runway walk, and Tim says that he can't answer that. Top secret.
The models enter, and everyone starts getting to work. Vincent's hem is not finished, and Tim asks him if he'll have enough time to sew it by hand, to which he replies, "Yes, of course." Across the workroom, Michael tells Tim he had to take in his dress four sizes. Vincent starts gluing crap onto his dress, and Tim catches him doing it and is appalled, which I find kind of insane. What did he really expect? TWO DAYS. It's one thing to be quick with concepts and adept with sewing; it's crazy to expect them to be lightning-fast at both. But it's a competition.
Tim is getting jumpy. He's all making them hurry and telling them that they've got to go "NOW." He's a touch unlikable at this moment, and I hope to never EVER say that again.
Michael tells his model that, though his dress is poorly constructed, he wants her to wear it like it's a masterpiece.
So they all start walking with their models down the street. They reach a bridge over the Seine, and Tim points at a boat. That's where their party is going to take place. As they're walking to the boat, someone throws eggs at them from a building. An egg hits Michael's dress. Uli points at some "stupid kid" and says that it was probably him. At least he didn't set anybody's car on fire. Ooh, that's right, France, I said it. Michael just decides to drink some champagne and forget about the egg dress.
Catherine Malandrino is waiting for them on the boat. She tells them that, on first view, the gowns the designers have made look beautiful. Tim gives ANOTHER toast. Then, inexplicably, KoMC interviews in a beret, a penciled-in mustache and soul patch, and a weird French accent that progressively becomes Mexican that they were on a boat ("oui, oui") with Catherine Malandrino. Yeah, it was about that relevant. You knew it had to happen at some point on this trip, so...there you go.
Catherine asks Jeffrey to explain his tattoo for her. Oh, in case you didn't know, Jeffrey has a little ink inscription on his neck. It says "Harrison Detroit," for his son. Also, in Italian, "Love of my life." Catherine calls Jeffrey's gown "audacious."
Catherine tells Laura that it's an "interesting" choice to have long sleeves on an evening gown. To that, I say: Hilary Swank at the Oscars when she won for the boxing movie. Granted, I hated that dress, but -- long sleeves. Although maybe I shouldn't use that as an example if I hated it.
Catherine told KoMC that he was brave to have a bodice that laced in the back, and that it fit his model perfectly. Catherine asks Michael how he made the details in his dress, and he interviews that "it is fucked up under that dress."
She tells Vincent that his dress is '80s, because it has shoulder pads. She asks what his inspiration was, and he says that he doesn't know, but he likes her. Yes, those two things don't go together. Then he goes balls-out and tells her that she's one of the most sensational women he's ever laid eyes on -- and on and on. Right now, I'm dying for some ruching and chicken-eating. To take the edge off. Vincent asks if Catherine thinks his dress is too much of a throwback, and she -- at this point fearing for her safety, it seems -- says, "It is a very interesting dress."
Catherine asks the models to walk, while she fills out some special Parisian Project Runway scorecards. She thanks them, and they party on.
Jeffrey says that being in Paris is a "dream come true." Catherine tells Uli that her dress is "easy" and "light." KoMC seems to like the French models better, and tells them so. He backtracks a little when they ask if American girls are not as good, but we all know. Traitor.
Back in New York, everyone's excited about showing their gowns to the judges. Tim tells the designers they will have two hours to fit their hometown models and have them styled before the runway show. When the girls start coming in, it appears that our American models are big and fat. KoMC says Amanda was three inches larger all over.
The collar on Laura's dress was crushed in transit from Paris. Jet-setters beware. She's going to try to bring it back to life. Vincent does a lot more gluing.
On the runway, Heidi welcomes everyone and asks them if they had a good time in Paris. They did. Our judges tonight are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Richard Tyler -- famous gown guy from the '90s. He apparently also just designed the Delta flight attendant uniforms.
The show begins. It's Kayne of Many Colors's dress. So...I don't really think it looks that bad. I don't see a lot of hand made details anywhere, but the dress isn't that bad. It's a very fitted gold bodice with beading and mesh. The skirt is flowing chiffon with stripes of gold tones in it. And Amanda, the talker, looks beautiful. KoMC loves it.
Laura's dress is . It looks kind of like a harlequin. I mean that as a compliment. I can recall ancestors of this dress from the 1930s, but it doesn't feel very relevant now. However, it's made perfectly, though the fluffy white collar is kind of fucked. Someone has given Camilla bang extensions, which create the effect of someone having dumped a bucket of water over her head. This is unfortunate. Laura knows that her collar does not look happy.
Uli's dress is . It reminds me a lot of Santino's Nicky Hilton dress from last year. It's lavender with braids hanging off of it. It's a...halter dress. Surprised? I didn't think so. There is some lovely bead detailing on the bodice. Uli is happy with it.
Jeffrey's gown is , and Marilinda is working that shit. It's a wild mix of the two plaid fabrics. The bodice is neat, with sexy straps and a plunging neckline. The skirt is...asymmetrical. But it works. It's slit up to there and is very hot. I'm reminded of a lot of Vivienne Westwood, and frankly, I think that's a good thing and perfect for Jeffrey.
Vincent's gown is . It's a column-like dress, with a plunging neckline. The top of the dress is a champagne-colored satin. The skirt is a brocade reminiscent of upholstery. It has puffy sleeves. There's a flower right above the ass. Vincent interviews that his dress was far more sophisticated than any of the other dresses.
Michael's dress is . He's made one of those scalloped necklines where it's like two seashells are separating the lady's boobies. I really hate that look. And Michael's seashells make it look like Nazri's boobies are all over the place. I know I sound really classy saying "boobies" over and over. It's just a thing. The dress is a lovely violet color. I understand the idea of the ruching on the bodice, but there are some clear execution problems. Michael says that he was sweating like a whore in church. Well, those whores should go to a church with A/C. All that sweating can't be good for business. Anyway, Michael was sweating because he felt like he was going to be in the bottom three.
After the show, the models return to stand beside their designers. Uli says that she wanted to have hand details. Michael Kors feels that she has made something mature. Richard Tyler likes it, yet feels that it looks unfinished.
KoMC explains all of the stuff he put on his gown, and Richard Tyler tells him that it looks too busy. Nina continues, saying that he should hold back a little. Michael Kors says that the chiffon in the skirt is beautiful, but you can't even see it for all of the other crap that's going on. He thinks Kayne's middle name is "Too Much." I thought "Kayne" was his middle name?
Jeffrey says that he loved the colors of his gown. He wants people to smile when they see it. Nina says that he took the most risks. Michael says that the dress shows that Jeffrey can be true to his goth side and still make a beautiful gown. Richard says that the dress is not perfect, but Marilinda appears to love wearing the gown.
Heidi asks Vincent what he did by hand, and he replies, "I used very expensive fabric." Yes, those two things do not go together. Michael says that he doesn't like the sleeves on the gown, and that they don't fit right, either. Nina says that she wishes the back of the dress could be the front of the dress. Richard hates the little flower on the model's ass. Join the club.
Nina tells Michael Knight that the problems with his dress are in the execution. Michael Kors likens the look of the dress to dresses that have been loaned to celebrities and come back all dicked up. Way to go, celebrities. You're ruining it for everyone. Michael Knight reminds them that his Parisian model got egged. Heidi and Richard hate the neckline of his dress. Heidi finally asks him to tuck the scallop thingies in, and he does. And...it's a completely different dress. It looks great.
Laura says that she wanted to create a dress that was too dramatic for the everyday woman. Richard doesn't like that the collar looks flat. Nina doesn't think it looks modern. Michael Kors thinks it could be shortened into a French maid's outfit, which I think he's said to someone else before.
When the judges deliberate, Heidi reads Catherine's comments. She liked Uli's dress. Heidi says that she would wear Uli's gown. Or at least she would say she would wear it, but then pull out at the last moment. Catherine liked Jeffrey's. Michael says it was youthful. Michael Knight did not get a high score from Catherine. Richard doesn't think Michael should have let the eggs hit his dress, which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Catherine actually liked KoMC's bustier, but she thought it was old. All of the judges say it was tacky. Nina wonders if he has the taste to be in the competition. Michael hates Vincent's dress from top to bottom. Catherine Malandrino said, "No. No. No." Nina thinks that Laura made an "old Yves St. Laurent." No word on what Catherine thought of Laura's.
The designers return to the stage. Jeffrey is the winner. He seems thrilled. Heidi tells him that he won't have immunity for the challenge. Michael whispers "congratulations" to him on his way offstage. Uli is "in." Michael is "in." KoMC is "in."
Okay, now I'm getting nervous. KoMC whispers, "Good luck, darlin'" to Laura, and walks backstage, where he tells everyone, "I think I'm about to vomit." Heidi tells Vincent that the finishing and detail was confusing on his dress. She tells Laura that her shit was old and predictable -- but Laura is "in." She walks backstage and says, "This cannot be good for the baby."
Vincent is out. He smiles, gets his kisses, and walks offstage and into Jeffrey's arms. He interviews that he's upset that he won't get to show an entire collection. He says that he's not sorry that he cashed in his 401k and stopped taking medication. It has put him in a good place. It got him off. Oh, goodbye, Vincent. You've been so much fun.