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Tanner and Holbrook bring Hanna the note Paige slipped them last week about Alison still being alive, so -- when not being a bad date for good sport Travis -- she eventually figures out that Paige sold Ali out to the cops. Of course, nobody believes it, so the detectives continue to think that Hanna, and probably the whole Liars club, is involved in some kind of mess. Mostly it was nice to see Tanner again, as well as getting to hear Holbrook talk with his mouth -- and to see Hanna face up and apologize for jumping on him last week. By episode's end, Hanna's comfortable confronting Emily about Paige's indiscretion, which looks like it'll have major consequences week. But continuing her streak of being the solidest kid on the block, Hanna's actually the only Liar that spends this week on anything other than a fucking rampage.
Emily stares into the eyes of a returned Mr. Fitz with the incinerating power of a million unblinking Pam Fieldses until he breaks down in the middle of school, which is gorgeous. Then, after Mikey shows up at the Brew cry-voicing about how Mona dumped him, she comes after Mona like a T-1000, nailing her to the wall and getting her to admit two interesting things: Number one, she's been Ezra's unwilling accomplice in his true crime project ever since we came back from break, extorted into spying re: the many bad deeds she did as A and even dating Mikey until his awesomeness got to her. And number two -- corroborated in different ways by the rest of the Liars -- Ezra's got a very convincing theory on who took over the A-Team game while Mona was in Radley.
Aria's been dealing with her heartbreak by drinking hard and hooking up with a fellow prospie at Byron's college, Syracuse University. The guy Riley is adorable, and perfect for Aria: Imagine waking up to a shirtless guy playing the guitar in a necklace and skinny jeans, and you can see what she's working with. Eventually he convinces her to head back to Rosewood with a punch in the head for Ezra, and their "move out of town" conversation is pretty hellish. She does get a copy of the manuscript -- which he says he's no longer pursuing, and in fact went to NYC last week to shut the whole thing down -- and learns here too of Ezra's theory.
After a short stint in rehab, the Hastingses have decided to take the amazing step of purchasing a hottie for Spencer, live-in drug counselor Dean. He looks like Andrew Garfield, wears rollneck cardigans that would impress even Rufus Humphrey, and generally is a perfect human being in all respects. He gets all life-coach up in Spencer's grill and gradually wins her over, but his post-rehab regimen brings up lots of random memories about that time Spencer clobbered Alison over the head in front of CeCe Drake and Jessica DiLaurentis, which may or may not be real. Also real-or-not-real: Jessica doing creepy-as-shit things all over the Hastings house of darkness that only Spencer is picking up on.
What is very real though is the renewed interest of A in Spencer's life, now that Toby's off to London (?) and homegirl's on house arrest... And that Mona and Ezra (and basically everybody but Emily, to one extent or another) believe Jessica to be the new A. Why would she be working against the Liars, if her only goal is bringing her daughter home? And why's Alison so afraid of her? I don't know. But with two weeks left in the season, I know we've got at least one more episode of prime Jessica DiLaurentis nonsense coming, and that pleases me beyond measure.
Week: Another Jessica DiLaurentis fashion show means the dubstep demons may return; Spencer somehow falls off a cliff in wedding dress like can sometimes happen to you if you are not careful with fashion; Emily goes after Paige for endangering Alison yet again and trying to be the boss of her yet again and generally messing things up like always yet again; and everybody deals with Spencer's idea that maybe Alison is afraid of her for trying to kill her that one time. I say you gotta come at that bitch with more than a shovel before she's gonna take you seriously, that's what I think.
Yeah, I said it: Even a shovel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Hanna is spending her post-Caleb time kissin' both officers and gentlemen. Aria was all offended just because her entire relationship with Ezra Fitz was a skeevy creepy exploitative lie, and then he lied on top of the lie about how he wasn't going to publish his book about Alison but in fact went to New York to do so last week. Emily stupidly told Paige that Alison is alive, causing Paige to instantly try and get Alison killed again for the fourth or fifth time. Spencer probably killed Ali one of the times that somebody killed Ali, and also she went to rehab between episodes.
POST-REHAB
Veronica: "So nothing happened at rehab? This isn't going to be like you're going to say midway through season, Oh did I not mention that a woman got pushed down some stairs while I was in rehab? I was standing right there, saw the whole thing."
Spencer: "I don't want to go into it. I'm mad about everything! Because of detox, and rehab, and my life being in constant peril."
Veronica: "Well, you are certainly being a bitch about it."
Spencer: "That's because of my flashback I'm having about this time I murdered Alison."
Veronica: "Do you want some leftover carbonara? Or a salad, if you'd like something lighter? Or some soup, if you would prefer something more liquid? Or bread pudding, if you would prefer something lumpy?"
Spencer: "Hang on, I am still having this flashback."
Veronica: "Then I'll just go straight to hell, I guess. Nice having you home. Oh, tomorrow morning is going to be a shitshow. Just fair warning."
But first: A bunch of grave dirt under Spencer's sheets, with a note about Spencer digging Alison's grave, because shovel shovel shovel shovel, guess what, shovel. Two can keep a shovel if one of them is shovel.
AM
Spencer: "Hey, good morning! Back to life, back to reality. Where's my keys?"
Veronica: "You don't have keys. What you do have is a hot boy we bought you."
Kol Mikaelson: "Hey, I look like Spiderman. Maybe I am thirteen or maybe I am thirty. I live here now. Is that cool?"
Veronica: "Also now home is jail. No phone, no friends, no computer. Just you and this super-hot boy that is still unexplained, monitoring your habits."
Spiderman: "Maybe I am a life coach. Maybe I am a spy. Maybe I am some kind of brownie that lives in the backyard and does simple chores in exchange for a bowl of milk each night."
Spencer: "No offense but wasn't the whole point of this to make me less crazy?"
Veronica: "Yeah exactly."
Spencer: "Then why are you doing eighteen to twenty things right now calculated specifically to make me crazy?"
Spiderman: "I am certainly reasonable in addition to being hot. I am going to live in your barn, being slightly age-inappropriate."
Spencer: "I only get off on that if you're dating my sister. Are you dating Melissa? No. So how about you lay off the whole adorable 'I invented Facebook' thing you're doing with your face and go cobble some shoes or whatever."
Spiderman: "Did I mention I have a limitless supply of hugs to offer?"
Spencer: "Good point, where's Toby? I hope not somewhere super random such as London England."
SYRACUSE U
Aria: "My bad-ass road trip that I am on is, touring a college where my dad teaches."
Emily: "That is pretty hardcore."
Aria: "I have to go kiss a boy at a frat party whose hair goes straight up. This party has red cups, Beirut, eyeballing, and buttchugging. It was invented by parents."
Emily: "Who is this boy? Is he named Riley? They're always named that nowadays."
Aria: "He just makes me feel a certain way. As though I am a regular high school student in the mornings, but a high-profile fashion executive in the afternoons, and nobody knows about my double life except for him, and this makes me feel protected by him, and his hair, and he doesn't believe in shirts, just music. And freedom. We also have in common thinking that me being a vegetarian is the most interesting thing in the world."
morning, Aria and this Riley fella are languid and barfing and hung over and giggly. He has muscles just about everywhere, and his hair still goes straight up. You know that kind of guy that wears tight jeans and no shirt, just a necklace, and will play the guitar whenever he feels moved to do that? Yeah, it does sound hideous, I agree, but then you think about Aria and it's like, What she needs is one of those guys.
One of those necklace-guitar-treasure-trail guys that is a gentleman and also a poet or musician and is untouched by cynicism because he is from some dumb small town where they don't even have a movie theater so all they have to do for fun is apparently crunches. One of those guys with that certain quality you can't put a name on, but if you tried to describe it, that quality would be something like, "Not an adult who is molesting you."
SCHOOL
Emily: "So Aria finally called me this morning..."
Hanna: "Was she a megabitch to you? More of that nonsense?"
Emily: "No, she's just going through it. I mean, the girl made it as far as a college visit, in her whole whirlwind of self-annihilation. Speaking of, do you think Spencer has been kidnapped and we don't know it yet?"
Hanna: "Ezra Fitz is back, I saw his car in the parking lot."
Emily: "Gross. I better go ham on him, just so he knows to feel bad."
Mona essentially breaks up with Mikey Montgomery at this point, and Ezra stares at it going on in the hallway because clearly boundaries are not a thing Ezra values, but as far as what any of this really is, it is all vibes and no solid info. Classic Mona (and A, and Ezra, and this entire show). But Emily doesn't really care, Emily doesn't really give a shit. Emily just wants to pop him in his little face.
Hanna: "Are you going to slash his tires, or bust his headlights, or some other vehicle-related mayhem? I am down for that. But if you're going to go yell at him in his classroom, that is too far. I don't want to be in the same room with him."
Emily: "I can think of nothing fucking finer. I will talk to you later, Hanna Marin."
Emily: (Terrifying Pam Eyes.)
Ezra: "Emily, class doesn't start for another few minutes. Are you planning on standing there staring holes in my tiny body for all of those minutes?"
Emily: (Terrifying Pam Eyes.)
Ezra: "I mean I guess you have a point and I will talk to you about my fucked-up ridiculous book I am writing, but not in school. Not where it's appropriate."
Emily: (Terrifying Pam Eyes.)
Ezra: "Are you having a seizure? Emily, are you in there?"
Emily: (Terrifying Pam Eyes.)
Ezra: "Okay, this is getting fucking unnerving. I guess you've made your point."
Emily: "Good. Now I am not going to be attending your class from now on, because it would just be weird for both of us for me to constantly be staring at you with the Pam Eyes like I am doing. But because I am good, I am also bound to turn in my assignments. So here is my paper. Why don't you go ahead and pass that off to a real teacher."
Damn. Only Emily Fields can turn the simple task of turning in makeup work into a brutal ethical takedown. Ezra sits there rethinking his entire shit. Just kidding, Ezra regrets nothing.
BREW
Hanna: "Oh hey Gabe. Look out in case I accidentally bump into your mouth again."
Gabe: "Haha, that was a great way of de-weirding the situation. Thanks for doing that. You are a class act, Marin."
Hanna: "Do you have any normal, appropriate observations to share with me? Cop-to-child?"
Gabe: "Yeah you know, that boy Travis Hobbs is really into you."
Hanna: "What is the meaning of that? To what end are you telling me this."
Gabe: "I'm just weirdly into your love life. Really, anything that keeps my incredible, beautiful voice coming out of my stunning supermodel face is worthwhile. Also, did you slip me a note about how Alison is still alive?"
Hanna: "Trust me that I did not. The authorities are the last people I would involve."
Gabe: "Not this note here?"
Hanna: "No, but I am banking that handwriting for later. Anyway, bye. Thanks for your interest in my teen dating life. I'm glad we're back to being friends or whatever."
Gabe: "Remember that time I said it always comes down to teeth? That was so fucking weird and awesome when I said that."
HOTEL
Aria: "Are you for real waking me up with guitar and no shirt, just a necklace? I love how no matter what happens my life is always fan fiction."
Riley: "This is my guitar, Antonio."
Aria: "Sure thing. Obviously you named your guitar Antonio."
Riley, verbatim: "I like to think he named himself."
Oh, do you? Do you really, Riley? Well, I like to think that this episode is a very subtle, very mean joke about Aria Montgomery.
Riley: "We cleaned out the minibar, even the pineapple rum. It was like we were nihilists, but never forgot that we also were prospective college freshmen."
Aria: "Put down Antonio and get over here. We have a lot of sex to have."
Riley: "Is there anything hotter than legal sex between two consenting equals?"
Aria: "Oh, Riley. Consent never bothered me anyway."
SCHOOL
Emily: "So this person that told Gabe about Alison being alive, were they a boy or a girl? Was the handwriting psycho like Alison's, or more thug-like?"
Hanna: "Hang on, I have to go deal with Travis. Apparently I needed Gabe to explain to me that he's into me, and since Gabe isn't, I am trying to take it seriously."
Emily: "Maybe you should take like one second off from having ten different boyfriends."
Hanna: "Oh Emily. You're so cute."
Hanna: "You and your sad-ass father should come have dinner with my sad-ass mother."
Travis: "I kind of feel like we should just have a connection on some level other than the time my father spotted your mother fighting with the cop that was blackmailing both of them and then whatever happened, CeCe Drake killing him or whatever."
Hanna: "I agree, but you have to. She misses Caleb too and we gotta move past this."
Travis: "What if we're feeling something a little more gelatinous?"
Hanna: "There will also be flan. Feel free to ask me out for another date tomorrow night."
Travis: "Can we have dinner tomorrow night?"
Hanna: "Yes, and it will be lasagna. Which is hilarious, but I won't go into it."
Emily: "So you're just, this is your life now? It's kind of awesome but I wonder..."
Hanna: "I'm ready. My body is ready, Emily. I just hope nothing else crazy happens between now and then."
Emily: "You did not just say that! Act normal, bitch!"
HASTINGS
Spencer: "Fuck you, Spiderman. Fuck you, Spider-Smoothie."
Spiderman: "Just drink the juice, Shelby. Let me work my brownie magic. Now, what were you doing laundry in the middle of the night for?"
Spencer: "Uh, my sheets were soiled? Thanks for making me have to say that straight to your gorgeous face."
Spiderman: "Any other symptoms of withdrawal? Besides acting like an asshole, I mean."
Spencer: "Is one of them like, hallucinations or memories in fugue states that you can't be sure are real?"
Spiderman: "Yeah totally. Are you having false memory syndrome?"
Spencer: "Maybe. Or maybe I killed my friend one of the times she was killed."
Spiderman: "Hey, let's do yoga!"
Spencer: "I would rather do something competitive."
Spiderman: "Hey, let's fold scarves!"
Spencer: "We can go for a run and sweat it all out and have some kind of breakthrough, but I have to take a shower first. Look over there while I grab the house phone."
Spiderman: "You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh?"
Spencer: "My bad. I can't be trusted. But on the other hand, I need to talk to my boyfriend. I know that he's pissed at me and is fully aware of what's going on, but that is not going to stop me acting nuts about it. I am a desperate woman. Despite all my rage, I am still just a..."
Spiderman: "So why not just go through this process, instead of continually undermining it as if reality is your enemy and you are in a pissing match with God?"
Spencer: "Okay buddy, real quick here's some things you need to know about me..."
MAIN ST
Tanner: "Hanna, I know what you did last episode. You left a note in a car!"
Hanna: "No I didn't. And buzz off, screw."
Gabe: "I am the Good Cop. We are friends. I believe you."
Tanner: "I am interested in -- once again -- bringing the full force of the entire American military and justice system down on your head for literally no reason."
Hanna: "Cool, I don't care anymore. Suck it, Marin out."
Her point is valid because -- barring some kind of fake A evidence -- she did not write that note, so whatever. Even if they pull her in and she says she doesn't know, that's all she needs to say. It's not even about protecting Ali at that point, it's just like, "Why are you still tormenting me about my dead friend even after four seasons of this show." Like from any objective measure, that is some bullshit.
Tanner: "I really thought the Good Cop/Bad Cop thing would work."
Gabe: "It's like, she kissed me one time and now she no longer fears the cops. It's almost like the lines of consent and authority exist for a reason and shouldn't be crossed."
Tanner: "She's one tough little cookie, I like her. But not like I would kiss her."
Gabe: "Let's just remember that we ruined her family. Dramatically. For no reason."
Tanner: "I know, but that note!"
Gabe: "Maybe Alison is, I dunno, actually alive?"
Tanner: "Don't be an idiot. This is clearly a conspiracy by the Liars. Those insane genius bastards."
Gabe: "To what end, even?"
Tanner: "I don't know but I am pissssed about it."
SYRACUSE
They sit on this bridge of Madison County and it's so stupid and they are so stupid.
Riley: "I love that you like vegetarian food. It's so unique."
Aria: "I love that you are from a stable family. It makes me feel sophisticated and better than you."
Riley: "I love how you think studying music in college is a neat idea and that my parents are just dumb."
Aria: "I love canoodling with you on this bridge. It's like we have this connection but it has a time limit on it. You are like the Ethan Hawke and I am like, also the Ethan Hawke."
Riley: "Let me show you a quote from a poem inside this locket, or some shit."
Aria: "That's literally my biggest sexual fantasy is for that to happen on a bridge or dock."
Riley: "Because you are a monster."
Riley: "Why are you really here, touring this college and financing my teen bender?"
Aria: "I found out my English teacher was molesting me, and had been for some time."
Riley: "What a jerk!"
Aria: "I know, right? Like how embarrassing to have not picked up on that."
Riley: "I think you should not be on the run, then. He should be on the run. You deserve to be in Rosewood, constantly on the edge of death."
HASTINGS
Spencer and Veronica are like, trying to negotiate their bodies in space and time while they do household chores, when Jessica DiLaurentis shows up, totin' her big ol' sack of crazy. She shoves past Veronica into the house, a baller move considering the unspoken asterisk of "I am the mother of your husband's bastard" going on here, and lays some spooky eyes on Spencer first thing.
Jessica: "So are you gonna RSVP about my bridal show fundraiser for a charity?"
Veronica: "No. But I will write you a check to get you the fuck out of my kitchen."
Jessica: "Spencer, you barely look like a junkie today! Good work. Now, about you coming over and attacking my at my house... That was about overdoing OTC meds?"
Spencer: "Yeah, I realize it's a rookie mistake to you, because you are Queen of Pills."
Jessica: "This charity actually has a function, it's about starving kids. Mothers seeing their children die is tragic, whether it's starving or because of some chick on drugs beating them with a shovel in front of half the people in this town but nobody remembers it."
Spencer: "Are you sending me a coded message of some kind? I am in home-jail and losing my mind."
Jessica: "The important thing is that I put grave dirt in your bed because I am a lunatic that lives right door and nobody will ever believe you."
Veronica: "-- Here's that check, now why don't you climb on your broom and..."
Jessica: "Thanks! Bye bitches, see you in the episode when I throw yet another disastrous fucking fashion show. Or later in this one, when I roam through your house like a ghost in the night that nobody can see or hear, with a psycho look on my face."
My favorite thing was when Jessica placed a call, in the middle of the workday, to a mysterious fashion show "Board," to get their mysterious fashion show okay, on a change to the clothes the Liars would be wearing in the fashion show, days in advance. Just sitting there drunk as a motherfucker, bein' all like, "I'll have to check with the Board but I'm sure it would be fine." That made me feel so crazy when that happened, do you remember that?
SYRACUSE
Riley: "Anyway it was nice boning you with no strings attached and getting drunk on your dad's dime in this richly appointed hotel suite."
Aria: "If I never talk to you again, or if we keep in touch, either are okay."
Riley: "Here's a slightly gaywad coupon for you to beat up Ezra Fitz. I drew it on a piece of paper and I am giving it to you with just no shame at all."
Aria: "You really just get me. Listen, if you ever come to Rosewood, you should immediately turn around and leave Rosewood? But look me up. I'm sure whoever I'm dating by that point could use the shitty day you and I could create for them."
Then he kisses her goodbye on her forehead and she has a million Etsy orgasms and writes the whole stupid thing down in her whole stupid journal. This really is the Year of Aria. Continually raising the bar for herself. I love it.
BREW
Mikey: "Where is Aria?"
Emily: "That is a long story. Why?"
Mikey: "Because Mona broke up with me! So I have to yell at Aria?"
Emily: "Why?"
Mikey: "I don't know, I'm just sad!"
Emily: "I know what I have to do, then. Destroy Mona."
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. Emily gives zero shits about either of these. She is just sick and tired of people not doing the right thing. Emily is Judge Dredd now. Rightin' wrongs, actin' normal. She came to kick ass and apply pain cream, and she is all the fuck out of pain cream.
D.A.R.E.
Spencer: "I hate running miles! Unless Toby takes off his shirt."
Spiderman: "You are running one more mile."
Spencer: "With great power comes great responsibility. Why're you so mean, Spiderman?"
Spiderman: "I am not mean, I'm fabulous. You need to get honest and then you'll see how much of this is just you, standing in your own way. Now, start running."
Spencer sees a shovel and guess what, it reminds her of this one time you might recall that happening.
Spiderman: "Why did you fugue out in the middle of our detox running miles?"
Spencer: "Because I maybe did something and I don't know if I did it, or what even it is."
Spiderman: "What if you are using other people's memories to triangulate your own missing memories?"
Spencer: "Confabulating a story based on what I think probably happened?"
Spiderman: "I mean, you are clearly very likely to snap and murder a friend with a shovel while on amphetamines. So I'm not saying rule it out. I'm just saying maybe you are having a process of slowly remembering... Whatever it is."
Spencer: "I've done bad things before. Every older guy like you, that's lived out in the barn like you do, or even just visited the house any time I was bored..."
Spiderman: "Look at this as positive. On some level you've proven you're ready to take responsibility for things. You're making good."
Spencer: "The thing in question -- not actually killing a person but contributing to the convoluted non-death of that person -- isn't even the kind of thing I can easily expiate. Like, it's a complex crime I can't remember doing, without any real repercussions, unless Jessica DiLaurentis in the new A and thinks I killed her horrible daughter."
Spiderman: "Cool, well you seem super stressed out by all this so here's a letter from Toby postmarked London England. Where I guess he is, and where I guess he's breaking up with you for being a huge drug addict."
DATE
Hanna: "How this shit is going to go down is, I'm going to eat my food, okay, and then I'm going to eat your food. So when you're my boyfriend you would figure this out anyway, but fair warning that you should order extra food, if you are interested in eating food."
Jessica: "Just stumbling through town, no big deal. You on a date, Hanna Banana?"
Hanna: "Travis, this is a crazy old drunk bitch. Jessica, this is nothing you need to concern yourself with."
Tanner: "Jessica DiLaurentis? I'm a cop. This is Gabe, he also is a cop. Listen, do you think there's any chance your daughter's friends might be faking her death and/or aliveth?"
Travis: "You seem distracted."
Hanna: "Uh yeah? Jessica DiLaurentis is a fucking trainwreck, that's legitimately interesting."
MONA/EZRA
Mona is driving Jenna's time-portal car to somewhere when Emily appears in her rearview mirror like the righteous warrior she is this week, and Mona's like shhhhhit but lets her get in the car so they can talk about this storyline that we have known about in theory but never actually got to see happen.
Meanwhile, who is at Ezra's house is, Aria. She is there to lay some truth down. She is not going to be swayed or confused or distracted or anything. She is just going to look up in her English teacher's face and demand that he leave town and never return, just like he has done several times, occasionally with small children who are not actually his concern.
Mona: "Okay, I was helping with the book. This is ever since I bought the car, or the first episode back from break. I was trying to stop him, since a lot of shit I pulled when I was A is stuff I could go to jail for. Still. I said I would answer his questions, but he'd protect me in return."
Emily: "Tell me the clues! What about Alison and whatever?"
Mona: "If Alison were alive she'd love being the focus of a scandalous page-turner, I'm sure, but I never saw the whole thing."
Aria: "Ezra, I am here to tell you to fuck off."
Ezra: "Yes. If we are going to get past this, you need your space."
Aria: "You're not hearing me."
Ezra: "I am! I took a leave of absence and..."
Aria: "You need to get the fuck on up out of Rosewood, son. That's what I'm saying."
Ezra: "Sure, we can run away together if you want..."
Aria: "Do I need to repeat myself? With hitting? Or are you gonna act normal?"
Emily: "You dated Mikey, to spy on Aria for Ezra..."
Mona: "And just like Ezra himself, I fell for my mark. Ezra threatened me when I tried to protect the kid, so I knew it was too hot to keep him in my mess."
Emily: "What is the point of any of this?"
Mona: "Ezra knows who A is, possibly."
Emily: "You mean in addition to the fact that he let us all get abused, tortured, kidnapped, threatened, terrified and menaced, and never said anything or tried to help in any way?"
Ezra: "...Which is why I'm giving you this manuscript. If you read it, you will find out all kinds of things."
Aria: "Or you could just tell me since I'm standing right here, you pretentious fop."
Ezra: "No, you have to read the book because of the depth and nuance of my discoveries."
Aria: "Fine, I will read it. But I will not enjoy it. You are a terrible writer. Your poetry is terrible. Everything about you is terrible. You are the grave dirt at the bottom of my bed of life. Leave town."
"...Oh, and I believe this coupon is for you."
DATE
Travis: "I'm about to kill this dessert! Or make it look like it's dead, at least. I'm about to bury this dessert alive and then a witch is going to dig it up again and call it so it can talk to a trained parrot in Georgia. I'm about to teach this dessert to fly a plane wearing a mask of its own face and a wig of its own hair."
Hanna: "Go for it. Hey, do you mind if rather than ignoring you through our whole date, I just straight ditch you on it?"
Travis: "As long as you let me pay for this meal you didn't seem to eat."
Hanna: "It's okay, it's just that all of my friends are having separate but related crises and I'm constantly on the edge of fear that someone close to me will die, so when we have a meeting like this, it's usually pretty important."
Travis: "Okay hey but the time we go on a date, can it be an actual date?"
Hanna: "Yeah. Smooch. Now is it is date? Now can I go?"
Travis: "That was a very Hanna Marin way to fix that. Good move. I will ask you out again."
LIARS
They wonder if Mona left the Paige note that sent the cops up Hanna and Jessica's ass -- to get Ezra back for making her dump Mikey -- but Hanna slowly figures out who really did it over the course of the scene.
Aria: "Everybody, I'm back! Sorry I deprived you of myself for so long, but I needed to do the Academic Decathlon dork version of Leaving Las Vegas to exorcise my Fitz demons. Then I immediately came home and went straight Fitz's house, and now I have something to report regarding his book. First, it is excellent but he doesn't need to know that..."
Emily: "Just, quickly, Mona dumped your brother and he blames you but it's because she's protecting him from Ezra. Anyway, go on."
Aria: "I don't mean to blow anybody's mind, I could hardly believe it myself, but the more I read the more I started to put the pieces together -- all the research Ezra did and hid from us, that could have saved us so much misery; all the fruitless searches, and so on -- it began to form, to coalesce as it were in my mind, condensing fact from the vapors of nuance, as if I slowly was reliving the form his search once began was fated to..."
Liars: "Jessica DiLaurentis is A."
Aria: "...Yeah."
Liars: "Yeah, Aria. We know that."
Aria: "Well, fine. Good, cool. So we're all on the same page, great."
Spencer: "Related note, Mrs. DiLaurentis maybe thinks I think killed Ali."
Liars: "What?"
Spencer: "Yeah and that's because it's entirely possible that I did. That night that I killed Ali, when we were all drunk and I was high on pills and very violent. And both Jessica and CeCe were there and saw me do it. And I found a shovel, so."
Liars: "You didn't think any of this was worth mentioning at any point?"
Spencer: "I've been under house arrest. They're making me hang out with this smart, compassionate, gorgeous, wise person who accepts me for who I am and supports the decisions I make with everything he's got, which makes me feel valued and trusted, for the first time in months. Needless to say it is fucking torture."
Emily: "Who knows for sure that Jessica put that dirt from her daughter's grave in your bed? That honestly seems more like something A would do."
Liars: "Yeah um his meeting is about how Jessica is A? Like how Mona told you in the car in the last scene that she wasn't A after Radley, somebody took over and she never saw her face but it might be Jessica? And this was separately confirmed by Ezra's book? Where were you during these scenes you were in?"
Emily: "No I get it. I just, it took me a second."
Hanna: "Emily, can I ask you something huge?"
Emily: "We don't have any cheese puffs. Pam says the orange chemicals will wreck your skin or something."
Hanna: "I will somehow live, but good lookin' out. No, this is about your girlfriend going to the cops and telling them Alison's alive, so she will get immediately murdered? Do you perchance know how she would have found that out, at all? Possibly by you telling her?"
Emily: "That's funny that you say that because in fact I was recently forced to disclose that information, due to her thuggish behavior. I just wish there was some pattern of behavior that could have allowed me to foresee ore predict her immediate move."
HASTINGS
Veronica: "Jesus Christ, Spencer! You were locked in the house for what, two days? And immediately you sneak out."
Spencer: "Yeah, because this is a stupid plan. I like Spiderman but I hate the rest of it and yes, Veronica, I do have important shit to do. I had to attend a Liarmoot."
Veronica: "Chilling at Emily's, that's the big emergency? And what's this text message you got on your phone that you picked a lock to get to, SOS? What is that, like a drug reference? Are you putting vodka in your eyeballs, Spencer? Are you a buttchugger?"
Spencer: "You need to calm the hell down. Sorry I am trying to figure out my secret life that is a secret from even myself. How about you tell me what you covered up that summer I killed a girl when I was high on drugs? Was it, perhaps, that I got high on drugs and killed that girl? Is that what you're hiding?"
Veronica: "You are so fucking exhausting, why can't you be more like your sister? The occasional dead fiancé texting her from beyond the grave, the occasional faked pregnancy, I can understand. But I mean, this? You trying desperately to piece together the shattered fragments of your mind? Give me a fucking break with the drama. Go to bed."
Upstairs, who is in Spencer's bedroom is just Jessica DiLaurentis, just roaming around the bedroom looking full-on psycho. She is like a cat in the dark, and then she is the darkness. And Spencer being also so psycho that she doesn't notice or this is a hallucination that she doesn't know she is having? A hallucination that is secret even to the person having it? That's a thinker, Spence.
A-TAG / WEEK
A puts together a bridal gown probably with knives or snakes inside it while a cover "White Wedding" plays in whatever place the A really keeps their Lair this whole time, since Ezra was never A, which is fine honestly. The gown is for week, when Jessica's latest haunted venture causes at the very least Spencer to run through the woods and then fall off a cliff in a bridal gown, which seems unlikely but seems also like a vector she has been on for awhile now.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.