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With everybody worried about Jessica DiLaurentis and Alison still on the run -- now with the cops hot on her tail, thanks to Paige -- the Liars use Ashley Marin's new job as Jessica's assistant to crash a fashion show in the hopes of getting back into Ali's bedroom for this latest round of questions.
Spencer's contentious relationship with wonderful sober buddy Dean hits a snag when Jason DiLaurentis shows up in town and he won't let her go interrogate him. But after a very sweet, chaste night on the couch, Veronica sends him packing. Not her fault for assuming Spencer would do her Spencer thing as usual, but still sad to see her warming to the process at the moment it ends. While she does get time alone with Jason by the end, it's not really helpful, implicating Jessica as A once again and possibly Jason as her accomplice.
Veronica explains in a very touching flashback that everybody in both households kind of thinks Spencer killed Alison. And while we know that's not true, Spencer points out that somebody is in that grave, and with all the Ali doubles running around she very well could have killed that person instead. During the charity bridal fashion show, Spencer spots Jessica handing something over to a person other than Alison, and gets chased through the woods. And then -- basically as expected -- we find that A has provided her gown with secret finger bones of the dead girl, whom Gabe Holbrook now plans on exhuming (if there's anything left, after all the times that chick has been dug up and repotted).
Hanna is a reliable player here, as has come to be the norm, but her only main thing -- besides the beautiful physical comedy of Emily and herself waddling around in giant wedding gowns trying to solve crimes -- is that Travis eventually forgives her for how she never acts normal, and comes through for her bigtime at the show. In a tux, no less.
Emily, that was sad. She runs interference for everybody the whole time, pissed at Paige for bringing the cops into Ali's situation. And, as Paige always will, she comes clean pretty immediately, apologizing for acting like a nutty thug and admitting that her vendetta may have played a part in her decision. Of course, since it's this show, Paige's finest hour is undercut by Emily pretty much dumping her in her haste to get to Alison, who has summoned the Liars to Philadelphia (to a place that is clearly the gin joint from Spencer's fugue, which is fantastic I think).
In happier news, we not only get Ashley Marin apologizing to a mean boss -- always a poignant look on her -- but also: ELLA! Who comes back from Vienna to check on Aria's wayward marbles, as well as spill some personal beans. Aria comes at her like vicious whoa, which even Ella understands is part of the process, but later apologizes in her own way, which is when Ella explains that she's there to tell the Montgomery kids that Zack, the Barista of an entire Castle, has proposed marriage. It's a stunningly sweet and moving sequence of scenes, but of course you already knew that when I said ELLA.
So the new situation is that the heist of Jessica's fashion show actually did the trick: The Liars have gotten back in contact with Alison, and low-and-behold, she's actually willing to talk. They rush to Philly to find her, and we end on a cliffhanger regarding who is actually waiting when they arrive.
Week: Ali Tells All! Flashbacks to Ian, Jason, Melissa, Nerd Mona, Boardshorts, the whole fuckin' thing. And the trailer ends with all the Liars, including Alison, threatening to shoot A if she doesn't take off her goddamn mask and come clean.
(As for the bajillion references to a certain storyline from the books -- well, to two of them actually -- we'll see where it lies. But if you ever wanted to place your bets on that Theory we all know I'm referring to, now would be the time. Either way I am loving it, and this season as a whole... And most certainly you, my darlings. See you then.)
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Emily got that money from the evil skull twin painting, along with information they all abruptly forgot about. Dean Stavros moved into Spencer's barn, so she would learn what a good influence even looks like. Jason saw some shit but he was drunk so who knows. Paige sold out Alison and Emily, sending the cops to Jessica, who is maybe A but is definitely all over Spencer's ass lately. And Ezra gave Aria his stupid book that also named Jessica as A, but nobody asked him why he let them get tortured throughout all of high school by withholding this information, because he is a useless pedo with no answers.
IN 48 HRS
Spencer will be stumbling around the woods behind her house, in a long bridal veil, for reasons that do not seem clear to even her. She will go ass-over-teakettle down an embankment, be menaced by hoodies in the darkness, and maybe step in a bear trap. She will be covered in blood and, spoiler alert, her dress will contain two entire hands worth of people bones! But she doesn't know that yet, because who could predict that astonishing circumstance. It's like that old joke: What's more surprising than a bunch of finger bones hidden in your wedding gown? A: Literally nothing!
THE BREW
But now is not then, it is now. Spencer is finally looking regular-gorgeous instead of zombie-gorgeous, and is dressed as a businessman. Aria's wearing a cheetah-printy burnout lacy thing in black that looks great with her hair and makeup, despite having a choker collar and a chunky necklace and a giant ring like a rapper would wear, despite also how much I hate the burnout lace thing. (Spoiler alert, everybody is wearing that crap in this episode, and it offends me. If we wanted to see your skin, you wouldn't need to be wearing clothes. Clothes that show strange random patches of skin are failing at literally their only job.) In other news that is not news, Emily looks fresh and fancy even in a shapeless sweater, and Hanna is also in glam business mode.
Emily: "Yes. My girlfriend appears to have turned Ali over to the cops and run off to Maine. That is indeed the situation. Which sucks because she seemed really rehabilitated for a while there."
Liars: "It sucks if this causes Ali's death, sure. But it could inconvenience us also, let's not underestimate that. We hate being called in for questioning."
Hanna: "Lest we forget, allow me to bang the drum once more that the human remains we keep finding in weird places and reinterring in her grave belong to just somebody."
Spencer: "But who? Her evil twin? And can we also find room to worry specifically about me? The person who attacked her with a shovel in front of the whole goddamn town. If I don't remember doing that, it's also entirely possible I don't remember doing that to this other poor dead girl."
Aria: "...Jesus, that's a good point. Hanna, give her your cookie."
Hanna: "Fuck you. Listen, you guys. I hate Jessica for better reasons than anybody here, even Spencer. But I really doubt she's A."
Who is looking through the Rear Window at them right now, going by the camera.
Liars: "Valid. A knows Ali's alive, but Jessica clearly thinks she's a ghostly business consultant..."
Spencer: "Or maybe she just can't bring her home until I'm behind bars."
Hanna: "Fine, you can have my cookie. God."
Emily: "I stayed in that house, remember? A car drove into my living room?"
Liars: "Yeah, we know. And you also got a knitting needle to your eye from whatever Redcoat monster was living under the..."
Aria: "That was me! Please try to remember the handful of things that happen to me!"
Emily: "The bitch is drunk, and mean, and out of her mind, but she is too much of a trainwreck to be what we're saying she is. Spencer, take me home. We're done here."
JASON
Hanna and Aria sit alone, thinking about cookies. Outside, Emily and Spencer spy Jason with his cute new spiky hair, and immediately give chase as he ignores them and drives away. But guess what? More car trouble. That stinker, A! Who has also left jammed into the drive column an endlessly long photo-booth strip of Alison's picture with the face blacked out.
"You know me, Spencer. You killed me. A."
Emily: "That's crazy! A hasn't gone to the photo booth thing in a long time."
Spencer: "What is she even talking about this time? Like an evil twin or something?"
Emily: "After my big righteous exit I'm more worried about having to go back in there and ask those girls for a ride."
MONTGOMERY
Aria tries on a red dress in the mirror, cute again and with the lace overlay again, while chatting with Ella (!) on the phone. Ella is being a boss, of course.
Ella: "...It's not about the money, it's about getting white-girl wasted in a hotel room, your first grownup trip by yourself."
Aria: "I told you, it wasn't me! It was my friend."
Ella: "This was one friend? Down to the banana rum? Were your friends the Rolling Stones?"
Aria: "I don't know who that is. Just chill."
Ella: "Are you acting out because Mr. Fitz resigned from Rosewood High?"
Aria: "No, that was my idea. Wait, I mean what are you talking about?"
Ella: "Seriously, are you melting down or what?"
Aria: "I can't do this in the AM, Mom. Please cut me a break."
Ella: "How about a gigantic hug instead?"
Ella appears! She was pretending to be in Austria so she could play a fun trick of love! Aria's pretty relieved/ecstatic to see her, but I don't know that's a competition she could really win. I do love my Ella.
HASTINGS
Dean Stavros today is rocking an amazing look. Hair all like a Japanese cartoon, cyberpunk clothing, some cute scruff around the face -- how old are you? -- and generally fantastic. Meanwhile Spencer has managed to produce another drum majorette jacket from her infinitely confusing closet, but it's well tailored enough you barely notice. Girl can wear some clothes.
Spencer: "Jason isn't answering his phone but I see him moving boxes door, so I need to go bother him in person. Emily won't let up about how he's being sneaky."
Dean: "Cool, I'll grab my coat that's probably even more amazing than what I'm already wearing."
Spencer: "Not necessary. It's just door. How about you watch from the window?"
Dean: "I can't believe you still don't get what the deal is with me. I am getting paid to follow you. Literally it is my job."
Spencer: "I know, but in this case we're talking about a recent addict who would be uncomfortable with the... Plus the stuff we have to talk about, plus he's my brother. Two things you do not need to know today."
Dean: "Fine. Then pee in this cup. And I already prepared this carafe of water, so you can save the bullshit."
Spencer: "Our relationship is constellated around some pretty strange stars if you think about it."
MARIN
Also wearing an amazing jacket is Hanna, rocking rainbow sparkles, with her shirt buttoned all up under it. She is really committed to this "fashion buyer" lifestyle of hers where she dresses like a person, but always with an alien touch.
Ashley: "There is nowhere for you to have breakfast in this house except for three square inches between the bridal magazines I am using to create Jessica's fashion show."
Hanna: "Fine. Uh, if it's Jessica's fashion show though, shouldn't she be..."
Ashley: "It is for charity. Maybe we will find out what that means, maybe we won't, but either way we owe her our asses."
Hanna: "About that. Don't trust her. Why'd she offer you this job? You're not even friends."
Ashley: "We are both friends with wine. It's a place to start. And besides, who cares why? Mommy needs to make paper, now that she's outta the joint."
RESTROOM
Emily is doing her thing where the collar's turned up, like an icy beautiful spy. I predict some Paige in a minute just based on that.
Spencer: "I tried to talk to Jason but I was too slow. Dean and his pee."
Emily: "Haven't you earned back some privileges? Like your phone and your..."
Spencer, verbatim: "You can't escape the cup, Emily."
There she is. Paige comes in wearing some Santa Fe denim, as is traditional among her people, and everybody stares at everybody.
Emily: "Look what the cat dragged in."
Paige: "I was going to call you this morning..."
Emily: "But you didn't."
Spencer: "I am getting the fuck out of here, if you don't mind."
Paige: "Seriously, it was wall-to-wall obligations. My grandparents are needy and old."
Emily: "All grandparents are old."
Paige finally realizes that Emily will be torturing her regardless of anything she says, so she finally breaks down and explains that yes, she did go to the cops before skipping town, and yes, that was obviously going to piss Emily off, but what nobody seems to understand is that Paige is actually right about this one. This thing about avoiding the cops is completely stupid, except for the part where some other dead girl died, which she doesn't know about.
Paige: "Yeah, obviously I did this to protect you. Alison, on the other hand..."
Emily: "You played me, and got exactly what you wanted. Revenge on Alison."
Paige: "Oh my God. Do you seriously not know what cops are?"
Emily: "It's not about that. It's about A being, demonstrably, faster than the cops. A runs circles around the cops, you have been there on more than one occasion to see her do this. So what you are saying is, you just don't care."
Paige: "Yeah, I prioritize my girlfriend over a psychopath who tortured us both for years and has put you in unimaginable danger for the past several years. How bitchy of me."
LOCKERS
Aria's denim, on the other hand, has bleached-out raggedy-ass holes all over it, because God forbid you just put some clothes on and call it a day.
Hanna: "But Ella doesn't know what the deal is with Ezra, right? Just that your shitshow of a life continues to be tumultuous?"
Aria: "I love Ella as much as anybody -- or almost anybody -- but trust me. She doesn't need to hear about all this latest cra... And there she goes."
Hanna: "Hey, Travis Hobbs! Nice library cart. Why are you being huge and weird?"
Travis: "It is my job because I'm poor. Look, I have spent literally the entire airing schedule of Ravenswood trying to get your attention. At some point you just have to be like, Hanna Marin is just not that into you."
Hanna: "Sorry I forgot we were on a date during our date, Travis, but did I ever tell you about the time the opposite happened at a lesbian bar? I forgot I wasn't on a date that time. I tell ya. If you haven't figured out what a flake I am by now... Just go out with me again."
Travis: "No thanks."
The hashtag is #AwwTravis, lol, and he rumbles off, and Hanna makes this great face like, Hanna Marin knows when she's licked. But that won't keep her down!
DILAURENTIS
Jessica is being insane on the phone when Gabe Holbrook pulls up, and she sends Ashley away upstairs to deal with it. It's fantastic.
"What are you talking about? People have to eat, Michael. I thought we agreed to do finger foods before the speeches, Michael. ...A seafood parfait is not a fucking finger food, dude! No one wants to ruin a manicure digging shrimp out of a skinny... cup. You can't escape the parfait cup, Michael. Just fucking pull it together."
Jessica pastes on a brittle smile and greets Gabe at the door, which is bridal themed like their entire yard, not because -- as I thought at the time -- Jessica DiLaurentis is a deeply disturbed person, but because the charity, bridal, fashion show is happening at their house. She's wearing her best look she wears, the cardigan and big-collared button-down with pearls. I love that, she always looks like Martha Stewart about to stab you with garden scissors.
Jessica: "Detective Holbrook! Am I talking really loud? I'm drunk."
Gabe: "I had a haircut to be even more dreamy. Sorry your life sucks so bad but can I..."
Jessica: "More about this investigation? My dead daughter has to rest at some point."
Gabe: "We don't know that she's in that grave. One of the pics you gave RWPD showed Ali with a broken right arm, but the coroner never showed a fracture in..."
Jessica: "What, like an evil arm twin or something? Coroner's obviously bad at arms."
Gabe: "I'm afraid the only way to know for certain is if we exhume the body (again)."
Jessica: "That's not happening. But for all our sakes, could you say the word exhume like about a hundred thousand million more times with that voice?"
Seriously. Who knew that was the most beautiful word in the English language. Could not have predicted that.
UPSTAIRS
Ashley finds herself in Ali's room -- not the guestroom she is looking for -- staring around at all of Alison's exceedingly weird shit. (And noting that new bedclothes every week honestly do guard against mustiness.) New to the room are bags of shopping clothes like a teen girl might wear, and scarves like a gypsy fortuneteller might wear, and down in the bag is a receipt showing that Jessica bought all this crap yesterday. Even Ashley, who knows nothing of A or the lively Alison DiLaurentis's circumambulations or Jessica's many latest rampages, is like, "How curious."
Which is when Jessica shows up and starts slapping her around the face for digging around in her dead daughter's room when she's supposed to be fetching placecards from the guestroom, which this is fucking not. Ashley -- who has never seen the sun set on a day when she hadn't been viciously upbraided by her employer -- just settles into the torrent of her rage and is like, "Sorry?" That resigned, guilty, hurt face we've seen so many times.
Sorry I killed a fake architect, sorry I bribed a public official with straight-up fucking. Sorry my daughter bullied your daughter into puking seafood parfait on your wedding dress. Sorry I stole an old dead lady's money and put it in a lasagna box. Sorry my daughter's boyfriend's uncle-father stole a churchbell. Sorry I tried to kill a cop and then abruptly remembered you should never kill a cop and then ran around in the mud in my heels for a while. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
DETECTIVE EMILY
Emily calls the number from the twin skull coffee lasagna money, and gets an Italian restaurant called Mamma Gabusi's, which is currently closed for renovations. It's pretty random, but she doesn't have time to deal because there's Jason DiLaurentis and his hair.
Emily: "Jason. A word? Because you ran bodily away from me and Spence last night. Jason, I haven't seen you since that time I was almost murdered by an elevator."
(??? I totally forgot about that. That was insane.)
Jason: "That sucked. But you have to know, Wilden was after me. Not you."
Emily: "Wait, that was Wilden? According to you?"
Jason: "Yeah, who else? You know every time it's one of us NAT Club generation, it's always going to be Wilden. He had us all on lock."
Emily gets nowhere playing the Emily card about how we all love him, though. That usually works, dammit.
Jason: "I am 100% about my mom right now. And that means keeping space between the two of them. The cops are up our asses all the time, and the girl door prying into..."
Emily: "I hear you. Can't Stop Won't Stop. I get it. But your mom, I mean, she can be..."
Jason: "I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it. We're all we have left, with this divorce and all. We are broken huddled pieces. Rehab was hard, and she was there for me."
Emily: "Cool but right now she's being 'there' for Spencer in a way which is legitimately freaking the rest of us out."
Jason: "Jessica being scared of Spencer has been going on since this flashback."
FLASHBACK
Jason was watching wrestling videos on his laptop in the living room, for whatever reason that is his business, and kind of nodding off, when Alison and Jessica came in screaming. Jessica was wearing some bad-ass gingham, and Alison was really between a rock and a hard place.
Jessica: "I mean, you can't just let someone walk all over you. Defend yourself!"
Alison: "How? I don't even know who this person is! They're anonymous."
Jessica: "Gimme your phone. I'll figure it out. Is it Spencer?"
Alison: "Um, what? Had that locked and loaded, huh?"
Jessica: "She's always been jealous of you. And she has plenty of reasons to want to hurt this family..."
Alison: "Um, what?"
Jessica: "I will not allow you to be bullied. You fight fire with fire. Smoke 'er out."
Jason roused finally with a sleepy grin, and pronounced this true debutante mean-girlism. Jessica was not impressed, even though he was being awesome, because she has no sense of humor. Especially with the legitimately scary idea of A coming after her daughter, or the enemies maybe only she knew about.
Anyway, Emily's scandalized that a grownup really could bear that kind of grudge, in the days before everything went to hell. Like Jessica honestly believed Spencer was after Ali, and was interested in going to battle on her behalf, and now Ali is dead... It doesn't look great. Especially since only Ali and Spencer were actually involved in whatever did go down, and neither of their narratives is trustworthy. Poor Emily's just like, "Okay Jason, go with God. Thanks for that very unsettling flashback."
MONTGOMERY
Ella: "Whatever cause this fashion show is for, I'm sure it's good. Wanna be my date?"
Aria: "No. Gross."
Ella: "Does a bridal show bring up other issues? Ezra and Maggie? Their son?"
Aria: "Oh my God, you're so out of the loop. And that's not why we broke up. This time."
Ella's phone keeps buzzing, and finally she blushes and admits that Zack won't go to bed until they speak, and it's three in the morning over there, soooo...
Aria: "Of course I am going to act like you're stabbing me in the abdomen if you take that call, which is why you must."
Ella: "I mean, you're being awful either way. Might as well take care of mine."
Ella: "Zack, hello! Actually I'm sitting with Aria now. She thinks you're very persistent."
Aria: "Tell him to suck my dick. I don't even have a clear reason for being horrible and bratty right now except that I'm so glad to have a parent again. That's literally my only reason. It has been awful being an adult. Which is itself awful, since it's all I've ever wanted since I was born."
Ella: "He says that's adorable!"
Aria: "Tell him I am going out of my goddamn mind. Tell him the second you left with him, Dad's bitch girlfriend kidnapped me and forced drugs on me and tried to stab me with a jagged shard."
Ella: "He says have some more tea and just relax! You want a scone?"
HASTINGS
Spencer does not want to sleep in a room facing the window of Jessica constantly staring at her, and has retired to the couch with a lovely fluffy duvet. Which is comforting, we've all done it. Maybe not after getting a hilariously uncomforting text from Emily Fields such as, "Talked to Jason and yes, Mrs. D is coming straight for your ass."
Spencer: "You scared the crap out of me! What, am I not allowed to be on the couch?"
Dean: "Give it a rest, Spence. I am perfect. I'm not even gonna ask why your knee is buzzing. Although you might at some point avail yourself of my services and actually talk to me, like I'm going to keep trying to make you do."
Spencer: "Talk about what? Pee? Your favorite thing?"
Dean: "No, girl. Like, why are you still not sleeping? Why do you feel unsafe in your house? Is it because your parents aren't (ever) here?"
Spencer: "Quite the opposite. Lately they're the ones keeping me up. But fine. What are you reading?"
Dean: "A book. Nice redirect. Why aren't you sleeping?"
Spencer: "Gah. Fine, I'm awake because I have huge holes in my brain about the summer my friend died, and my parents refuse to fill in the blanks. Please allow the redirect."
Dean: "Well done. I'm reading Love at First Fight, which about Jack Dempsey, a boxer who grew up in a house like mine, where fighting was a second language. Do you hear the implications there? I just told you a huge thing of why you should trust me."
Spencer: "You mean it's possible to understand your problems by understanding where you came from? Now that would put me to sleep."
Dean: "Worth a shot. Shove over."
So he Jojen Reeds his long legs onto the couch to her giant tuffet of blanket, lookin' all glamorous in his v-neck, and commences being more and more perfect at all times. Girl, what the hell is wrong with you? I want him to be my constant companion and best friend, and I even happen to know he is not real. What in the hell is your excuse.
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Nothing, I just waited for you to come back in so I could stomp off to bed."
Ella: "What happened between before and now? You were being awful but at least..."
Aria: "What happened? You went to Vienna and found your bliss, I stayed here and got kicked in the teeth. Peace."
Ella: "You are being a fucking monster right now. What is the deal?"
Seriously though how weird it would be if your precocious, level-headed child just abruptly went berserk on you like this. I mean, parents and kids, a lot of shit goes down. But the fact that it's Aria, and she's making zero sense, makes all of this a lot more harrowing. Also, Ella Montgomery is your mother. Act normal.
Aria: "Where have you been?"
Ella: "Seriously? You practically packed my suitcase and shoved me out the..."
Aria: "Only because you were attacked by bees! But I did kinda assume you'd come back at some point."
Ella: "Are you actually mad at me? Is it Ezra? Are you mad at yourself?"
Aria: "Do not make this a teaching moment."
Ella: "I'm just treading water, honey. You are blowing my mind."
Aria: "All of the above, then. Hope you're happy, you were right. He was a huge fucking mistake, like you always said, and now I am reaping the hell out of that. So you go ahead and send me an 'I Told You So' card from Austria. Goodnight."
Teaching moment over. You have taught us that you are awful: The answer to a question nobody needed to ask. But honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so bad for her in this whole time. The fight where the fight is having you, and no matter how they try to approach the fact that you're being nuts, that only makes you more nuts. Even if you yourself, in some still corner of yourself, notice how uncool and nuts you are being, it doesn't help. Only further powers the rage. I do not miss being a teenager in any way! But this one probably most of all.
HASTINGS
Veronica finds innocent Dean asleep on Spencer's innocent butt! Oh no! This happened to me once in high school, it was so retarded, I don't even want to get into it. But the butt the guy fell asleep on was a butt that ironically was safe from harm, which is to say, we were already done, by the time he fell asleep on the innocent butt in question. And there was no way to explain this -- just like is about to happen -- because of all the other problems it would create, and in this case the further sexual-fluidity questions it would engender, so the innocent butt took the fall. Isn't that always the way.
Veronica: "WHAT THE FUCK."
Dean: "What? Who? What's going on? I guess I feel asleep on this... Oh, I see now that this is your daughter's teenage butt. Welp."
Veronica: "EVERY GODDAMN TIME, SPENCER JILL HASTINGS."
Spencer: "What's this now? Oh, hey. Why are you asleep on my butt?"
Veronica: "SPIDERMAN, YOU ARE FIRED. SPENCER YOU ARE ALSO FIRED, EVERYBODY IS FIRED."
Spencer: "Hang on. We had a teaching moment. I was actually getting into the idea of therapy for the first time in my life, and we just fell asleep, it's not..."
Veronica: "Peter told me I should go for the sixty-year-old Scottish woman with the diaper breath but I thought no, Spencer can handle it, she needs somebody closer to her own experience because she's so goddamn arrogant she'd never listen to..."
Spencer: "Literally he was just reading to me so I could sleep. What is wrong with you?"
Veronica: "I'm fairly certain you've known how to read since you were like two. Go to bed, Dean. Go to bed, Spencer. Everybody go to bed or I swear to God."
Spencer hears something outside the window the second she says goodnight to Dean, of course, but that's just how life is sometimes. Isn't it so sad that the second Spencer finally got the point of Dean, it went askew? I hate that. I wish Veronica had stayed wherever she was -- being a lawyer -- and not walked into this situation. I would love to see Spencer respond to this kind of thing, this whole sober-buddy life-coach give and take. I was looking forward to seeing her trust another human being on this planet in my lifetime.
On the other hand, Veronica Hastings fully just said "diaper breath" and also, this is still the first time in history that Spencer hasn't gone CREEPING on every inappropriate dude ever darkened her doorstep, so kind of bully for her anyway.
THE BREW
Aria rocks a cool fake-fur collar; Spencer's got this sweater with the matching skinny-scarf around her neck, that whole weird look; Hanna's got a heavy paisley coat; Emily's wearing flannel around her waist and the most elegant plain white t-shirt. At this point my notes just trail off into profanities and capital letters, though, because their conversation gets real interesting real fast.
Liars: "So how is everybody doing with their moms that are here this week?"
Aria: "Ella's spending the day with Mikey, my better by every measure."
Spencer: "Veronica's dealing with this nonexistent betrayal through cleaning. Can we please talk about Jason's weird memory of me being A before there was even an A?"
Liars: "Remember also that he said CeCe was there that night in Ali's identical clothes, despite being the one person we know wasn't in the grave. What is the likelihood that three Alisons were running around that yard getting beat up by Spencer?"
Oooooh very high, maybe. Any case, since Jessica isn't going after Alison and nobody knows who tried to kill Ali including Ali, they have to focus on that person. Which, they decide, means volunteering to be wedding fashion models in a fashion show we will never actually see, hilariously, because of Ashley's discovery of those teen girl clothes.
Hanna: "Oh, right. So I think Jessica knows her daughter's alive, and in need of fashions. So we have to get there because that also means she knows where to send them."
Emily: "But where in there does it say we have to get married in her backyard?"
Hanna: "Because she's onto us and it's the only way we can scour the place for her address. Also because I already volunteered all four of us. Did I really not mention any of this earlier?"
Gabe appears in lovely lavender stripes, hair game gone slightly awry.
Gabe: "Not to be weird, but I just wanted you guys to know that your friend is probably still dead and rotting in the ground. But the good news is, you are going to be under a huge microscope, especially if that's not her in the grave. So... Bye."
Emily, into silence: "Huh. When should we be there?"
HASTINGS
Veronica's wearing a very buttoned-up cardigan with a belt for extra cinched-ness, looking all tied up. Veronica got it rough! She's going through Spencer's shit when she gets home, which this addict a week out of rehab just thinks is beyond the pale.
Veronica: "When I was giving Dean his farewell beating, he said you were sleeping downstairs because you're not safe up here, is that correct?"
Spencer: "Yeah but I can't tell you why, so no."
Veronica: "Is it because you have drugs up here?"
Spencer: "What? That doesn't even make sense. I'm not a pirate with secret booty all over the place. If anybody's hiding shit, that's you and Dad."
Veronica: "Pardon? You wanna say that again?"
Spencer: "I have spent the last few episodes perseverating about one very specific thing, and whenever I ask about it you both go dark, as though wondering if I murdered my best friend is a bizarre thing to do."
Veronica, verbatim: "None of us want to revisit that time, it was harrowing. Okay? Like there were two of you living in this house, the Spencer we recognize, and your evil twin. We never knew which one was coming down to breakfast. Which is why I made your sister promise she'd never bring up that incident that happened before she left for school."
Spencer: "First of all, harrowing is the new to what end. You have this way of making normal turns of phrase absolutely hilarious. But also, what incident?"
THIS INCIDENT
Ali was cutting through the Hastings backyard late one night when she found Veronica at a dining room table in her backyard, sorting through clothes and toys, crying, throwing some of them in the garbage and picking them up from the grass. I don't really understand this scenario at all. I guess Scary Spencer maybe threw some shit out of a window? Whatever it is, Veronica couldn't handle it. Covering for that, I can't imagine what that would be like. I would get drunk and tell a poolboy about it probably the day.
Alison: "Sorry, I didn't mean to... Whoa! What happened here?"
Veronica: "Nothing! I'm just ... cleaning up."
Alison: "Melissa and Spencer fighting again, huh? I know a crazy sister when I see one..."
Veronica: "Alison I can't handle your weirdly placed, cryptic portentous emphases tonight. Just go home."
Alison: "I can help you clean up..."
Veronica: "I don't want your help, DiLaurentis. I just... What the hell is happening to my daughter? Why is she like this?"
Alison: "Wish I knew. But if I try to get into it, she'll come after me instead."
Veronica: "Just go home."
Alison walked away looking a little self-satisfied, until she spotted an eavesdropping Spencer in the shadows, looking full on crazy, like, Amanda Clarke crazy. And I guess then Alison was like, "Oh, I'm definitely getting murdered by that chick pretty soon."
HASTINGS
Veronica: "And you really don't remember any of this? Right. Well anyway, Alison disappeared a few nights later. So we covered for you and you are messing it up. We know you're not a monster. Those pills were poison. But you need to leave that summer alone. Please!"
It's so sad. Spencer wants to tell her something nice -- "I didn't kill that particular girl, no" -- but can't. Eventually they embrace, and Veronica kisses her head so softly and sweetly, and it's a lovely moment...
And then there's Jessica DiLaurentis across the way, again, staring at her like a freak, again, before lowering the shades of the window without moving any other part of her body. Haha. Why would you ever want to stop her from doing this constant shit like this? I realize it's a little unnerving, but she is so damn good at it. Even Spencer is like, "Jeez, lady."
ENGAGED TO CHANGE
The valet tries, but fails, to explain what the charity is exactly for, because in Rosewood that is not important information, ever. Travis appears to Hanna in a tux, looking beautiful, and they flirt when she tosses him her keys to park the car, and it's like, finally. (Nobody tell Travis Caleb's back as a regular season! I can't bear to see him unhappy.)
Inside the house, everybody puts on their wedding dresses. Lots of sparkling crystal, white bouquets accented with shades of violet; very beautiful, but some of the blossoms have crystals resting inside them, with I do find questionable. Emily's hair looks like Jane Seymour, just a huge sweeping thing, plus she is 100% boobs at this particular wedding. Aria's in kind of a dorky retro thing that flatters her as well. Hanna's belted, with a giant broach, but soft in the way she likes to do. Spencer looks like a knife getting married, of course, but we already know where she's gonna end up. Ashley's coif is beautiful, sideswept with tendrils down one side. Everybody looks amazing, as promised.
Spencer: "If you were Jason, where would you be?"
Hanna: "Not doing any of this crap. How are we gonna get upstairs past Jessica?"
Liars: "Maneuvering around in these giant dresses is going to double the hilarity of whatever ends up happening."
Ashley: "Spencer, where's your veil?"
Spencer: "I left it, um, wherever Jason is. I'll just go find him slash them."
Jason: "Just doing something with a power cord, you?"
Spencer: "You look nice. Um, Jason. I want you to know I'm here solely to help Ashley. Not to quote 'get up in your mother's grill.'"
Jason: "I'm being weird too. I get it."
Spencer: "Did Emily tell you I was in rehab too? We always have the weirdest things in common. Hey, can I ask you something? You had a drunk memory of Melissa with CeCe in your backyard the night Ali disappeared, and you said CeCe was wearing her same clothes?"
Jason: "Sure, what of it? Is that story not self-sufficient and totally normal?"
Spencer: "Well, could there have been another blonde entirely that I might have murdered? One, say, that was identical to..."
Jason: "There's that cryptic emphasis again, Spencer."
Dean: "Hey, I'm just here for zero reason, being all cute with this messenger bag."
Spencer: "Annnnd there goes Jason. Well done. What can I do for ya?"
Dean: "I just came to this particular spot where you are up-lit in a gown and look radiant and sexy to give you my phone number in case you need emotional support."
Spencer: "Cool but can I just call you anyway? Toby's randomly in London England."
Dean: "That was the Jason you were looking for all episode?"
Spencer: "Yeah, he was off at Clark Center doing rehab..."
Dean: "Spencer, Clark Center's been closed for over forty years. I think Jason DiLaurentis is a ghost."
Just kidding! But wherever Jason was, it wasn't in rehab. Or I guess before that, in Georgia. Maybe he's been here the whole time. Maybe he's Alison on alternate days and that's the big secret! But probably not.
Jessica: "Let me get this straight, you invited the Liars to be models in my fashion show?"
Ashley: "Yes, mistress. Please don't hit me, mistress. We were short on time, and they offered..."
Jessica: "You asked or they offered?"
Ashley: "Why do I feel like this is the worst thing I've ever done in my life?"
Jessica: "Are you kidding? Abusing you is the most fun I've had since that time I drove a car into Pam Fields's living room."
Jessica drunkenly glares at Spencer as she returns to the fashion show, Ashley on her heels.
Spencer: "So, Jason wasn't actually in rehab. Do you think he was here, being A-Team for Mommy?"
Hanna: "We have got to get into that bedroom and find precisely one clue! I'll go set up a distraction."
Ashley: "-- Aria, you're up. Emily, you're on deck. Where is my daughter?"
Liars: "...Bathroom?"
Ashley, verbatim: "Oof. That's a lot of dress."
Spencer runs out into the lovely blue-lit nighttime, in time to see Jessica hand off an small suitcase -- like a makeup counter gift-with-purchase -- to another person, a hoodie-type person, who runs off into the brush and of course Spencer -- ignoring Ashley's repeated demands that she come back inside -- goes tearing off after him or her.
Meanwhile, Hanna is asking Hobbs to distract Jessica somehow, and he does this -- while protesting that he doesn't want to get in trouble, like, multitasking to be even more fabulous -- by signaling the valet to back up too far, so Jessica will yell at him/them instead of following anybody upstairs or out into the woods. Good boy!
Hanna: "What are you even doing right now? You're being crazy!"
Travis: "Crazy about you. Do you have any idea how weird it is to be standing with you in a wedding dress?"
Hanna: "Get over it and kiss me, you fool!"
Rooting for those kids, really.
MONTGOMERY GIRLS
After her trip down the runway of a yard, Aria heads inside to lose her damn mind some more. Ella appears, making no sudden movements, and watches Aria contend with her veil while wearing elbow-length gloves with bracelets over there. Aria decides immediately to be cool, but doesn't show her cards immediately.
Ella: "Man, you took my breath away. I'm kind of glad your dad wasn't here, he always makes me cry when he cries, and I didn't want to embarrass you more than I already do..."
Aria: "You don't."
Ella: "Look. I know I might never get to know exactly what went down with Ezra, but I know your heart is broken. But sometimes an ending turns out to be a..."
Aria: "I am grateful to you for this but I can't hear it yet."
Ella: "We met as teenagers. I never expected to be with anyone else. But then it ended. Honey, it still hurts. But only like a bone you broke throbs when it rains. It's a memory, and it's in your body. But it's not the worst thing."
Aria: "I don't think I will ever feel like that. It's like my bones are actively breaking."
Ella: "I know. But I kind of hate that you're being so weird about Zack, because he's my happy ending/beginning, and I want you to see that and trust it for yourself. You know the whole time he was asking about you..."
Aria: "Why? I'm a beast."
Ella: "He wanted to know what you'd think about if... Um..."
She does this amazing, classic Ella thing, where she produces the ring -- still in its box -- with a lot of cute rolling the eyes and blushing, but also just like, "Deal with it" at the same time. I don't know. Hard to explain, but absolutely perfect.
Aria: "He proposed?"
Ella: "Oh yeah."
Aria: "And you didn't tell me this immediately because?"
Ella: "There were more important things to talk about, like you."
The only thing Aria Montgomery has ever wanted! But just kidding, it was an incredible moment. I could watch those two all day long, even the fighting was just so intense and mesmerizing to watch. But this is better. Teared right up. They get you with Ella every single time.
MEANWHILE
Emily and Hanna are crawling around under Ali's bed in their giant flouncy wedding dresses, which is exactly the amazing visual you were hoping for. Even when they stand up again to look other places, they still have to do this awkward shimmy around each other's surface area. It's so good. This episode rocks so much.
Hanna: "Well, there are no shopping bags here. Guess Jessica moved 'em. But hey, in this closet there's a corkboard that might contain a clue."
Emily: "I'll just hack into that email address on this table I have produced OUT OF NOWHERE and use that restaurant's name as the password because of this menu on this corkboard, and then send a message from the email address to the email address, even though none of this is how email works or how anything works."
Hanna: "Good plan."
Aria: "What are you guys doing? Where did that tablet come from? Where's Spencer?"
Alison calls immediately, having received an email from herself I guess, and yells at them from the jump on speaker.
Ali: "How did you find me!?"
Emily: "The police know you are not in your grave."
Aria: "Does Jessica know you're alive?"
Ali: "Do not speak to my mother. She can't know yet."
Emily: "We want to help you, but you have to tell us what the fuck is ever even happening on this show."
Ali: "Okay fine, I give up. Come to a place in Philadelphia that is also the gin joint from Spencer's magic drug dreams."
MEANWHILE
It has been 48 hours! So we catch up to Spencer's nighttime chase through the woods and up to the bear trap, which snaps closed on her veil and sends her running back home, covered in blood.
BACK DOWNSTAIRS
Aria: "Uh, Spencer's phone is in her purse, so..."
Liars: "Do you think Jessica just freaked her out too bad? No, she still wouldn't leave without her purse. Huh. I hope she's not bleeding all over the woods and out of her mind."
Spencer: "That is exactly what I was doing! I thought Jessica was giving those clothes to Ali so I..."
Liars: "No, she's in Philly. We're going there in a minute."
Spencer: "First cut me out of this bloody dress, I'm hyperventilating like I just realized I have to marry Isaiah Washington!"
They do. Inside the dress there are finger bones inside the dress! Like there's a part of the dress that is like a cummerbund, and inside that part of the dress are arranged the entire bones of two dead entire hands! There is also a note -- What're you gonna do when the rest of me shows up? -- but mostly did I mention the many finger bones inside the wedding dress? Because yesssss.
FIELDS
Emily is headed out for the road trip, with a jacket for Spencer, when Paige appears on her lawn, like she is always doing.
Paige: "You know what, I totally was being a bitch. I really do kind of wish Alison was actually dead -- and not solely because you would be safer without this mess. She and I were total enemies. You were right that I don't care what happens to Alison."
Emily: "Are you really still so angry at this girl that you wouldn't mind if someone murdered her? After terrorizing her for two years?"
Paige: "And you, the person that I actually love. My actual skin in this game."
Emily: "Sorry, not good enough. I do forgive you and it does make sense, but you tricked and played me and you lied to me. It's not about your deal with Ali, because I do get that. It's about how I can't really trust you anymore."
For me it's like, the reason I always tell the truth is that I don't want to ever be unable to say, "I have never lied to you." There's not really anything worth it, to not be able to say that.
But by the same token, if you do something that breaks the rules of honesty -- if you cheat, or lie, or tell the cops that my dead best friend is alive and on the run -- then you can't ever say to me again, "I'm not that kind of person," because we know that you are. We know that you're a person who cheats, or lies, or whatever, because you did that thing, whatever it was. That becomes a true thing about you.
And that's hard and sad to deal with -- especially if you, the person in question, feel judged or insulted by those being the rules, by those facts being facts -- but also clears up real damn fast what things are dealbreakers and which are merely challenges. So who knows where this is headed, Emily's a lot less hardline about things than I am -- I'm a stunningly uncomplicated person, which none of these girls really are -- but definitely I'm on her side at this time. And it sucks! Poor Paige, doing the right thing all the time and getting constantly punished for it. That bites.
As the Liars arrive to pick up Emily, you can see them take in the scene and Hanna's like, "Guess I know what we'll be talking about on the drive to Philly..." and Emily just kind of shoves past Paige and into the car, and they set out.
PHILADELPHIA
It is a creepy place that I really do think is the exact same place. But in the modern day it seems to be a utility room and not a makeup place. Anyway, they head in there, and Emily is very indulgent hearing Aria's wisdom advice about how this is a learning experience and whatever, good to settle accounts with Paige regarding Alison before meeting Alison again, and then a door opens, and they all go, "...Fuck are you doing here?"
Which yes, is a great place to stop.
A-TAG
Meanwhile, A checks into the Red Finch Inn, and while the clerk is getting somebody for her bags, she looks up CeCe Drake's name in the guestbook, and dials Rosewood PD.
WEEK
A is for Answers. I don't need anything more than that. I don't even need to speculate. I am just so in love with this season! And then it's just three months until the one, thanks to ABC Family's forward-thinking approach to these things! Also thrilling. Can you imagine a whole year where Ali's actually in the middle of their shit? I almost can't!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, The Blacklist, Bates MotelThe 100, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.