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What a whirlwind! Aria calls a meetup so she can explain to the other Liars about how Ezra is secretly a journalist and not A. Since this doesn't make any sense whatsoever, they agree to pretend she knows what she's talking about, in case she starts screaming. day, she storms into his classroom and acts a mess, then goes around the school like Carrie White acting nuts, then goes to Ezra's apartment and just wrecks shop on that place -- which was fucking amazing -- before confirming that Ezra's book about the Liars is still getting published, so she finishes off her day by going to the Principal to tattle on him for statutory rape.
Hanna's like, "You need to think about the actual consequences of what you are doing here, and how Ezra is going to jail and you are going to be even more famous of a Lolita than the time with the laxbros," but of course Aria is just more interested in burning everything the fuck down, and it is a beautiful thing. (Less beautiful: Letting Aria dramatically burn parts of the paper-trail stuff they stole from Fitz's apartment that would really come in handy for like a million reasons, but I guess she's being a good friend?)
Not content with just counseling Aria on the way compassion and consequences work, Hanna decides to intervene on Travis's father (the wrecker)'s behalf -- after the information Wilden was using to blackmail him comes to light -- by using her friendship with Gabe Holbrook, who says he's not going to follow her orders and then does exactly what she told him to do. So basically Hanna has two boyfriends now, just as her original boyfriend's show is getting cancelled, which maybe now she gets three boyfriends. Which is exactly what Hanna deserves, in my opinion: All the boyfriends.
Paige gets her back up about Emily telling white lies to keep her out of the Alison/A orbit, so of course she stalks Emily and takes away the Alison money and also Emily's agency like she always does. Finally there is an ultimatum by which either Emily quits the whole being a Liar gig altogether, or else Paige will go to the cops. Which is a good idea and she should do that anyway, but still sticks in my (and Emily's) craw for the reason that either you respect me or you don't, but either way an ultimatum = instant breakup.
Emily doesn't come out and say it, but I'm guessing after Paige's wildcard move in the end -- dropping off Ali's money in a cop car with a note explaining that Ali's not dead -- there is major trouble ahead. It's not as crazy as I was expecting, and Paige is totally right about everything, but there's something to connecting the dots: Drowning, date rape, ultimatums and finally going over Emily's head without knowing all the facts -- and doing it because you're pissy she won't give you all the facts -- are all forms of the same basic thing, which is that controlling a person (a traumatized victim of A's controlling abuse, note; a girl with robot-controlled bars on her windows) just "because you know better" is denying their personhood altogether.
Toby and the Hastingses pull more interventions on Spencer, which go about as well as you can imagine. To avoid rehab, Spencer promises to kick the habit on her own. Not surprisingly, she is a champ about this, but because Ezra's evidence brings back up the old theory that Spencer attacked Ali the night she "died," and adds it to the new information that Spencer wasn't actually in charge of Spencer that summer, Spencer becomes obsessed with figuring out her own part in that dramatic night. This involves acting like a total drug addict, attacking Mrs. DiLaurentis in her house, bugging Peter about his least favorite subject, and jerking Toby around like a cat toy on a rubber band. So she and Aria are both Winning at this time.
Week: Emily tries to figure out the Ezra/Mona situation, putting her I think back in the Anita position of loving-the-monster she's always so good at. Holbrook (and Tanner!) approach Hanna about the new lead (guessing it's Paige's whole deal), Aria hooks up with hot randoms, Spencer goes jogging and remembers the time she murdered Alison DiLaurentis, and Mona finally tells the Liars something important.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Spencer's little more than a buzzing vibration in the air at this point, but one that remembers dimly a time when her fugue states were the key to the mystery; that brief time she thought maybe she killed the girl that never died. Hanna's getting over Caleb with the helpful friendship of her two male friends Travis and Gabe Holbrook, who are her friends. Emily's still trying to figure out what to do with Ali's lasagna money. Ezra was A, but then it turned out actually he is Truman Capote's answer to Nancy Drew, which threw Aria for a fucking loop.
DEBRIEF
Liars: "So this book of Ezra's that necessitated stalking us for years, did you read it?"
Aria: "...I mean, I scanned for my name obviously."
The headlines are these: He knew who all the Liars were, and briefly dated Alison, but he didn't try to kill her. He just took advantage of her death to shoot for literary superstardom. What else did he say, as they slalomed awkwardly down that mountain together in the night?
Aria: "He thinks one of us did it. I thought that was kind of interesting."
Spencer: "I think that too. Possibly."
Aria: "I didn't bother reading that part to find out who he thought it was, though."
Liars: "THAT'S SO ARIA."
Spencer: "Or maybe he's doing that to pin it on us. Investigating his own..."
Aria: "Let's not lose track of what's important here..."
Liars: "Lemme guess..."
Aria: "Me! The part about me. This means he never loved me! He was just using me!"
Liars: "As opposed to most statutory rapists, who respect their underage poon. And you're saying this is why that Ravenswood apartment, with the giant Alisons everywhere staring at you sometimes literally, with the ledgerbook where he prissily wrote out checks to CeCe Drake so she would dress up like Little Red Riding Hood and roam the streets, that was all just..."
Aria: "Flair?"
Liars: "And now he's using us so he can get his big finale where she's not even dead. I would love to read a murder mystery like that, wouldn't you? And by the way I just totally wasted your weekend, The End."
Hanna: "Speaking of CeCe, do you think this means Alison was the one eating Cheetos and staring up at Emily's crotch under Jessica's house this whole time?"
Aria: "Bitch you need to focus."
Irritated beyond belief by the fact that the Liars are missing the point here, Aria fugues out to the first memory of the pilot, when Ezra and Aria bonded over B-26 and how much they love English and learning and teaching about English. It's grotesquely awesome, given that he not only knew she was a child but also that he had a literal guidebook on exactly which embarrassing buttons to push:
"Maybe you'd let me read something of yours? You're smart, you've traveled, you have great taste in music. I'd like to know more about you."
Truly a master of manipulation, that one. "That pink stripe in your hair is very mature and makes you so unique. Listen, do you by any chance enjoy... candy? And what are your feelings on vans, do you like vans?"
HASTINGS
Peter & Veronica: "Good morning, our daughter who is not Melissa. Would you like some coffee before we kidnap you to rehab? By the way you're going to rehab."
Spencer: "No, no, no."
Veronica: "I would have said this last night but I was afraid I'd fucking punch you in the face. Honey, you impersonated me on the phone for scrips. That's fucking nuts."
Spencer: "Only because my million connections dried up. Jeez, it's not like I escalated on purpose."
Veronica: "You associate with drug dealers? That's a cool thing to tell us in this convo."
Spencer: "Hot ones, yeah. Listen, I'm not doing this. On the off chance that I survive to graduation, I cannot have both Radley and rehab on my record. I know how important the higher education scam is to you people..."
Hastingses: "Say no more. But you have to come straight home from school, and follow an actual taper-off regimen under our supervision. time, no conversation where you skillfully talk your lawyer parents out of it."
Spencer: "Sure, cool. Can't wait to slowly detox as my friends are all losing their shit."
LOCKERS
Hanna: "Travis Hobbs, you're even hotter and more gigantic in that suit. Job interview?"
Travis: "Insofar as if my dad goes to jail I will no longer have a job, or a home, yes."
Hanna: "I thought it was about me randomly kissing you. Sometimes I do that."
Travis: "Do I need to explain again about how I'm the sweetest guy on this show since like Lucas? Caleb even? Either way, don't think I'm being standoffish, I'm being distracted. Remember how Wilden was blackmailing my dad?"
Hanna: "We have so much in common!"
Travis: "Right? But so just because Wilden went away doesn't mean the actual things did."
Hanna: "I made you choose my family over yours, I'm sorry."
Travis: "I did it with my eyes open, sweets. I knew what would come down. This is just the leftovers."
SPENCE
Emily: "You look like shit."
Spencer: "I feel like shit. Detox is for the birds, my friend."
Emily: "Can I do anything?"
Spencer: "No, but you're sweet. What's up otherwise?"
Emily: "Shanagram! She called from Georgia with a PO Box for Ali's cash."
Spencer: "This is in Wallingford, over an hour away, and you're supposed to drop it off before six. Okay, alternate plan, you just say fuck it."
Emily: "Do what?"
Spencer: "One minute she's here, the she's not, my dreams are telling me she's using us in a classic war criminal shell game, and we're supposed to hop to?"
Emily: "Be that as it may, she needs the cash. You'd do this for anybody but Jenna Thing, come on. We'd do it for anybody, maybe even CeCe Drake. Maybe even Mona. She's not those people."
Aria: "I'm here, you can pay attention to me now."
Ladies: "Girl you look rough. Whatever you're about to do, do the opposite."
Aria slams into Ezra's classroom, screaming his name and upsetting the substitute teacher. Turns out, as we'll see, Ezra's in New York City, but all the teach knows is it's supposedly a family emergency.
Aria: "Family emergency? I'm so fucking sure. This is clearly also about me. Well, I guess I better take the day off school and shake some trees for that coward. If I can't do this at school, I'll just have to do it everywhere."
Hanna: "Hey Crazy I'mma take you home, okay? No school for Aria today."
TOBY
Spencer: "I brought you cronuts! Straight from a year ago. Piping hot and on trend."
Toby: "I know you think I'm mad at you because you flaked on our date, but the truth is that I'm concerned about how you are a fucking drug addict. A thing you readily admit."
Spencer: "Yes but not proudly. Not with jubilance. Be my boyfriend immediately."
Toby: "I can't even see your facial features. You're just like this knife waving around."
Spencer: "I am handling it."
Toby: "If you start thinking pills, you should call me instead."
Spencer: "Sounds good, bro. Thanks for the necklace. And also for being so Toby about this."
PAIGE
Paige: "I feel neglected. Also I look flawless."
Emily: "I know, and I love you 100%, but I am going to act super sketch today. It's one of those. I have to go on a long trip to a place you can't know about, for an errand you can't hear about, as a favor to somebody you hate very bad."
Paige: "Why do you have a million dollars in your purse?"
Emily: "Stay outta my purse."
Emily: "Late birthday present from Grandma, gotta deposit that. One errand of many."
Paige: "Is she a stripper though? Did she mail this from the post office, this wad?"
Emily, verbatim: "She doesn't trust banks. Her whole life savings has been stuck into coffee cans and cookie jars."
Paige: "That is something a fucking crazy person would do. Or anyone on this show, of course."
FT ZPARTMENT
Aria proceeds directly to Ezra's apartment, and tears that shit apart once she gets going. There's a tape of Alison's fearful conversation with The Grunwald, pictures of Aria with the pink stripe and everybody when they were very young, and a book with all kinds of facts about A and the whole show, handwritten:
Today Aria told me she and Ali caught her dad having an affair with a student... Liars blinded that girl that time... Whoever murdered her probably had a motive... A boyfriend? Toby? ...Jason's a possible suspect... Aria just found out about the NAT Club voyeurism stuff... Caleb is working with Jenna Thing and a nannycam teddybear... Mona and Lucas are nerds with attitude... Mona is locked up and totally not A even though she is kind of A... Aria is so fucking dumb she doesn't know what I'm up to no matter how sketch I get...
I'm glad they mentioned but disappointed they waved off this part: That if Ezra's been on this the whole time, there are approximately fifty billion things he could have saved her from, but he let them ride. Up to and including the awful shit that happened to him, his many lost jobs and disappearing babies. Conversations with Byron Montgomery.
She rips down this movie poster that I looked up: Truffaut's La Nuit américaine, or Day For Night (1973) -- which is all about the behind-the-scenes madness of a bad movie getting filmed. Jacqueline Bisset is going crazy because she married a much older doctor, and people have sex with other people to hurt people, and mistake fake feelings for real feelings, then feel betrayed, and who knows what other things that are relevant here.
The title refers to that process where you film in the daytime and then underexpose it so it looks like nighttime, which is more interesting to me: Those terms, "Golden Hour" is another one, that are used so specifically and often that they take on this sort of nimbic glow of meaning. You can look at a movie as an imitation of life but then something that simple, a trick like that, pulls the rug out. And you can watch that movie a hundred times and see the nighttime and think, "That's actually daytime," which makes you feel smart but doesn't change the nighttime feelings you feel as you're watching it.
But what I really want to talk about is this thing I call the Devil's Beautiful Daughter, which is a motif I think we should get into all the time because it's so relevant. I went way way back looking for the Farscape recap, but it doesn't matter which one, because once you say it you get it.
If you are operating from a boy perspective, there is a conspiracy you are terrified exists, between your father and the girl you love. They know a secret and they are not telling you this secret, and that's because boys become men by understanding their anima, blah blah, you can't get to the adult form of yourself without realizing that women are people and until you do this, you will always have a horrible feeling in the back of your head that they know a secret, about you and about the world, and they are laughing behind their hands while you fumble and try to figure it out.
Okay or do you like Adventure Time? It's that thing. Marceline and Simon were always going to have a secret history, because Marceline is exactly that thing, the Devil's Beautiful Daughter, and Ice King is exactly that thing too, the shadowed or sickly father, the Fisher King in his detriment. So much of that show is about that, about Princess Bubblegum and Marceline and even Flame Princess being further along, older, better than Finn. Flip it around, and you have Marshall Lee singing to Fiona about how all she wants is for him to fucking destroy her -- that he knows this, and he's not going to yet, because she's not old enough.
Flip it around again, and you have Boardshorts: Ali has Marceline relationships with every single man on the show. She's blackmailing Byron, she's involved with Wilden and CeCe, and so on. Of course Ezra is Boardshorts, because for Aria Alison is a symbol first and foremost of the transcendent synthesis of innocence and experience. The show is about purity beset by corruption, of course, but only Alison always exists in both states: Predator and prey, hunter and hind, nighttime and daytime. Motionless and always moving. Mercutio to their Romeos -- adult/child gay/straight male/female in/out death/life virgin/whore good/evil -- and central to every nexus on which the show tilts.
Any image that is both opposites at the same time has a numinous power that we use to further our own understanding of both ideas, so that we can transcend those opposites ourselves -- to climb up to Elsa's ice castle and see what the world really looks like, and bring on the Spring. Alison is alchemical for these girls, because she always does both: For Emily Alison was the scary shadow sexuality she wasn't yet aware of, but also leading her onward toward, the happy endpoint of that sexuality. She taught Hanna to both fear and revere, to hate and to use, her beautiful body. She gave Spencer just enough power and respect to keep her on the leash.
But for Aria today, it's a lot simpler: Of course that bitch had Ezra first. There is a conspiracy --there are several conspiracies -- but the one that was always going to come for Aria was this, that no matter how grown-up or how special she was, that's secondary to the fact that Alison wins, every time. It's just that this particular time Aria has skin in the game. She's betrayed by Ezra, sure, and that's why she's wrecking shop on his house, but what is unseating Aria from sanity is the other part, the Alison part. We've seen how Aria reacts to heartbreak, and it's not this. This is a whole new deal. This is what happens when the sky breaks open.
RWPD
Hanna: "So I've called myself this little meeting with you, fellow detective, to discuss the innocence of one Mr. Hobbs..."
Gabriel: "Honey you are just a little girl though."
Hanna: "God, that voice. He threw Wilden money for tow truck opportunities, like a few times, and then got weird and started getting extorted. That's not huge, it's not like he found a shovel or..."
Gabriel: "This is his version of the story you're telling."
Hanna: "When a cop decides to make your life hell, you can't do anything. Ask my Mom."
Gabriel: "Whoa, I didn't even think about that. Well, that's another reason..."
Hanna: "Just testify the facts, then. You connected the money in Wilden's safe deposit box to Mr. Hobbs, the end."
Gabriel: "You are inscrutable, Hanna Marin. You have some crazed ideas about the world and your place in it."
Hanna: "I'm just getting started, Tiger."
THROWIN' FITZ
Aria smashes Ezra's peripatetic Hollis diploma against his stupid black typewriter, I liked that part. You tell 'em, girl. Also, what a good actor! I always liked her and I knew she had it in her, but this is marvelous.
LOCKERS
Spencer finds a bottle of pills in her locker with a note from A: "Don't say I never gave you anything," which is pretty hardcore shitty I must say. That is amazing. Emily and Hanna show up at her elbows and immediately are like, "That is interesting that you, a drug addict detoxing at school, would have a bunch of pills."
Spencer: "Asshole A. I'm tryin' over here."
Emily: "Better than a needle in the arm. Or dosed pain cream. Or surprise nitrous..."
Spencer: "I'll just go ahead and take those. Toss 'em far away from school."
Emily: "I'm not even going to say it, but... You know those are from A, right? Like no matter how bad you are jonesing, and how likely it is that A would give you your exact favorite pills to keep you addicted, there's also the chance that it is pure heroin in there, or bath salts. Not the drug, like, actual Epsom salts."
Spencer: "For the moment I am going to agree to come with you to the post office."
Hanna: "Hey, have you guys seen Hurricane Aria? She was so crazy this morning and now she is not at her house. Maybe I should have stayed to watch her."
Spencer: "Okay imagine you're Aria and you're going down in flames, you would... Oh duh, she's obviously going ham on Ezra's apartment."
Hanna: "Oh, totally. I should have thought of that. Good call."
FT ZPARTMENT
They find her in a tiny beautiful ball on the floor, in the middle of a Ravenswoodian amount of wreckage, shuddering and being totally insane.
Aria: "Guess what, bitches? A whole fucking moleskin about our entire lives, I found. Tapes I found, including secret Tippi conversations with The Grunwald. That dude kept some meticulous fucking notes for this project."
Spencer: "There's like twenty boxes of this shit. Everybody form a human chain. Hanna, you carry Aria around like a little doll until she returns to her senses."
WALLINGFORD
Who is that who's followed Emily to the mysterious post office? Not A, no. Well, maybe. This person though is obviously Paige, who really does tend to take liberties with Emily's personal agency. Not unlike every other character -- much less significant other -- on the show, so I'm not sure what the huge fucking problem is with pointing that out, except that sometimes we get so invested in fictional relationships we forget ourselves. To which I would respond that you gotta be pretty unself-aware to so blatantly demonstrate that you'd rather focus your insane obsessive energies on a marginal character than the non-white lead gay character. Jump right over useless old wonderful fascinating inspiring Emily and freak the fuck out because somebody dares to mention that Paige is demonstrably not perfect, all we're gonna see is your ass. But by all means you save the world in whatever way you see fit.
COURT
Travis: "Hanna, do you guys just not go to school anymore? How are you here?"
Hanna: "I was worried about you! Plus you and Gabe were both here."
Travis: "Holbrook? Yeah, he stood up for my dad pretty hardcore. No jailtime."
Hanna: "That's so great! I am going to just run over and make out with Gabriel Holbrook, a full-on adult. Call you later."
Homegirl even brought a briefcase and has been wearing a neon pink business jacket all day long, like just in case somebody needed co-counsel today. If this is the new Hanna, let me just say I am IN. Maybe she can think she's all kinds of professions. We already did Detective Hanna and Life Coach Hanna and Fashion Prodigy Hanna, but what about Hardhat Hanna, Astronaut Hanna, Circus Strongman Hanna, Racially Insensitive Indian Chief Hanna? Bring it.
HASTINGS
Spencer finds, in the random shit she snagged from Ezra's apartment, a card for Marc Pope, on which Fitz has scrawled, "PI who followed Spencer?" Somebody needs to introduce Ezra to Evernote or something, this is ridic. Anyway, she calls them and gets the voicemail and then has some kind of a drug-related meltdown on her bed for a sec before she decides to say fuck it and gobble some of A's poison pills.
Rock bottom: You have located it. Act normal, bitch! Don't take shit from A! I mean maybe I would eat a dozen little-piggy cupcakes from A in front of a high school football team, but that's only because it's like, every sexual fantasy I've ever had at once. And even then I would be like 60/40 ready to barf if I started feeling poisoned. Which is I guess why we linger on Spencer's strung-out ass being like, "...Nnnnope, that's the stuff. The sweet, sweet stuff. Not poison at all. Thanks for helpin' a sister out, A. You're not so shabby after all."
1ST BANK OF LASAGNA (FDIC)
Paige jumps up Emily's ass about how she lied -- thereby proving that Emily was right to lie -- and cuts to the chase: How is this related to A. Which is so funny because literally this is the one time it's not actually something A is making her do, but not-so-funny because Emily has to keep lying and lying. Finally Paige snatches that shit out of her hands, because Paige is really into respecting people's boundaries so very much of the time, and then yells at Emily for letting A control her. Since clearly that's Paige's job.
Paige: "Fine, I'm taking this to the cops."
Emily: "Honey do you know what A is about? What this show is about? My parents? Literally every storyline I have ever had? Claustrophobia. The thing you are doing to me right now is what my nightmares consist of. Are you fucking for real?"
Paige: "You just need to understand that I am in charge of you and your life and your decisions, Emily! Just give up and let me decorate your room and our fantasy apartment and make all of your decisions for you, until you feel like you're drowning. Remember that time I drowned you? Like that. Or else you are being a bitch."
Emily: "You don't even know how fucking dumped you already are, do you? You think it's a coincidence, this repeating motif of the doll versions of us? That's who you're being right now."
Paige: "I'm going to the cops. I am going to get you and Alison murdered and then you will know who is the boss of you."
Emily: "Jesus, Paige. Fine, Alison's alive and starving and very afraid and I am helping her out by sending her money that already belongs to her, from her various grifts."
I was hoping for crazy, wild-card Paige. But this is just straight-up bullshit awful Paige. This is the Paige that Alison wanted to destroy, for reasons we still don't know, but now I kind of feel like we do. Thank God the actress is as magnetic and sympathetic as she is, to even pull it off, because if a guy ever pulled that shit on me, hoo boy. "But why are you lying to me and going places without me?" Because you literally cannot be trusted with the truth, and therefore we were never really dating. Infantilize me like that, you're no different than Ezra Fitz.
I mean, who are the people. Maya sucked, but kind of glamorously. Toby sucks, but in an understandable way. Hanna's first little boyfriend was a homosexual. Caleb, nice kid, not very dependable. Mona's a freakin' psycho from a higher dimensional universe that to her we are just like ants; Wren is so scary I don't even know what his deal is. Karate Jake and Travis are perfect, but that is absolutely the only point of either of them. Shana and Jenna are Mata Haris that will sleep with you for spy reasons. CeCe Drake is a skinwalker that will trade souls with you if you are not careful, and cannot be killed. All men over the age of twenty, or under the age of twenty, are rapists, or at least will rob you blind. Noel Kahn I can't even talk about right now.
This is a show about giving your heart to people that cannot be trusted, because nobody can ever be completely trusted, which is the existential nausea of being an alive person. But Paige, this particular way she expresses these fears we all have as a function of Emily's storyline, just happens to be the one thing I have zero patience for: Don't tell me what to think, don't tell me how to feel, and don't tell me what to do. Or as my grandmother always put it, We don't fuck thugs.
FIREPLACE
I guess since they already know everything in Ezra's notes it's a good idea to burn the pages in the Montgomery fireplace. At first I thought it was really dumb, but at this point it only reflects poorly on them, not him; it's of no help to have multiple Diaries floating around.
Hanna: "How's it going? Are you verbal yet?"
Aria: "I feel really ... stupid. That's the worst part. That was always going to be the worst part."
Hanna: "Aria, there is no way any of us could possibly have figured this out in a million years. And the reason for that is, it is preposterous."
Aria: "You're not the one that was sleeping with him. Do you get that part? And now he knows so much of our personal shit. We're the Pretty Little Liars, secrets are what we're all about. And I told him all of them, because he was mine. I broke the entire show, and I am an asshole."
Hanna: "He had cameras installed all over Rosewood, honey. You were not his sole source."
Aria: "Right? Like how does he even have that Grunwald tape?"
Hanna: "Tippi maybe? Hey, can I do a quick food run and you promise not to do anything super insane? Ten minutes."
FIELDS
Paige: "So let me get this straight. You knew she was alive? My mortal enemy?"
Emily: "Yeah. But she freaked out about Spencer even, she's on DEFCON-5. I'm gonna pay for even telling you, I'm sure of it. Good thing you forced my hand."
Paige: "Does her family know? Who knows what?"
Emily: "Liars, Shana, A and that's it. That's what secret means."
Paige: "So if A knows she's alive, and you're talking to her, then aren't you in even more horrible danger than usual?"
Emily: "Hanna was saying the same thing. You are asking good questions. I wish I wouldn't keep forgetting how good you are at this."
Paige: "Ali treated you poorly, you ladies. Also everybody. Why are you even helping her?"
Emily: "She said sorry and squeezed out some tears and kept pulling me out of dangerous buildings and..."
Paige: "Kind of like how a manipulative monster would do?"
Emily: "Now you sound like Spencer. Trust me, I know..."
Paige: "She's been faking her death for two years so you'll take the heat. Trust me, she hasn't changed that much. She is a sicko. I know from crazy, Emily. Take it to the family or I will."
Emily: "There it is again, the ultimatum. You would be delivering her to A."
Paige: "And you'd prefer to be the target?"
Emily: "We can solve this. Look, if something happened to Ali, I would never forgive myself. And to be frank, you either."
Paige: "Okay, so that's a hard boundary. Um, how about we start with no more secret meetings or packages or interaction of any kind."
Emily: "...And now you sound like Ezra. I mean like exactly."
Paige: "Yeah and I'm not giving you this money back, either."
THE BREW
Gabriel: "Oh hey, just bummin' around in my civvies, no big. Talkin' in my voice."
Hanna: "Hey! I was just picking up snacks for my friend who is off her rocker."
Gabriel: "One of the many great things about you is how you're such a good friend. And also how you don't jump on people and kiss them unawares and make it weird."
Hanna: "Oh right, I was totally about to do that because you helped Mr. Hobbs."
(Smooooch.)
Gabriel: "Dammit, now I am back to having no friends."
Hanna: "Oh. I made it weird. Hashtag CREEPING, again."
Remember when Holbrook and Tanner (!) showed up and we were like, "Which underage girl is he gonna scam on," and then he didn't, because he was so great? It's like Rosewood is this pervert force that just overtakes your life, through circumstances. Stick around long enough, you got teen girl tongue in your face no matter what you were planning on doing.
Also, Hanna is the best. I mean, obviously Aria wins this episode and Spencer's a strong contender, but watching Gabe and Hanna collectively, as a team, freak out about how weird she just got? That was something special. Not CREEPING-level special, but in some ways even more elegantly insane.
HASTINGS
Spencer is ON TASK. Taskin' HARD.
"CeCe told me she stopped by the DiLaurentis house to talk to Alison the night she went missing. When CeCe arrived, she witnessed a fight..."
Spencer fugues into the past using time-travel, one of the lesser known benefits of Study Aid, and remembers this one time she tried to kill Alison DiLaurentis in between their houses with a shovel:
Ali: "You're way out of your league, Spencer. Why don't you put that thing down before you hurt yourself?"
Quickly, count the number of people who almost killed Ali with a shovel that night and then didn't. Actually, Jason almost killing her with a lacrosse stick too, but that was earlier in the week. Among the many adventures of Alison there are a surprising amount of adventures where people almost clobber her but then don't clobber her. Also, so many people in that yard watching other people almost clobber her and not revealing themselves to each other. I feel like this is the third or fourth tableau of this happening that night in that specific location. Everybody was in that yard that night. Melissa was there, Shana was there, you were there, I was there, doing my best to clobber her with a mannequin leg, until she abruptly peaced out, mumbling something about how she was already late for some choking sex out by the Kissin' Rock and that a psychic witch from another dimension had already hopped in the car to come yank her out of the ground in like an hour.
"CeCe didn't tell anyone what she saw, because Mrs. DiLaurentis paid her not to. Mrs. DiLaurentis also witnessed the fight."
Dolly zoom! I know what that's called now. But how interesting, insofar as Alison's entire family was also hiding around the yard watching these things go down, as it turns out. Also, a shadow of fear passes over Ali's face as Spencer's brandishing the shovel, before she starts trying to talk her down, like maybe she was more aware of Spencer's ability to clobber. Or at least that she was out of control on drugs, a thing not even Spencer was aware of at the time.
Do we remember what the fight was about? I remember Ali going after Emily pretty hard and I feel like that started it, but maybe we still don't know the middle part?
DOWNSTAIRS
Peter: "Honey you still look terrible, get some sleep."
Spencer: "Actually I don't need to sleep ever in my life. Listen, remember that night?"
Peter: "Your version of leaving this alone and not doing drugs looks remarkably similar to..."
Spencer: "I was super high that year and I don't remember so well. I was in here with Ali, fighting, and then cut to I'm out by the barn, telling the girls she's missing and I thought I heard her scream..."
Peter: "Stop right there. You think I'm being controlling but please trust me. This only goes down and it never stops going down, it just gets steeper."
Spencer: "Mark Pope's card. The PI you sent after Melissa?"
Peter: "Stay outta my desk. I toldja before."
Spencer: "Did you hire him for her, or for me? Do you think I killed Ali?"
Peter: "What I think is that you are off your fucking rocker, and I am correct. Let's call the doctor."
Spencer: "One thing you don't want to do is, make me feel any crazier than I already do."
Toby: "Hey guys, what's up?"
Peter: "I am actually so happy to see you, in reality. Take this nutcase for a walk."
Toby: "Does that sound nice? You want some fresh air? Slim pretext for me to take off my shirt? We both know the drill."
Spencer: "For the time it takes to duck you, sure."
PAIGE
Emily: "Okay fine. I will avoid Alison. After I drop off that one package, that's it."
Paige, verbatim: "I'm doing this for you, Emily. Because I love you so much."
Emily: "Who the fuck do you think you are? I am clearly lying because this is the last loose end before I dump your ass like I was trying to do way back when Jenna Thing so rudely interrupted by getting attacked and drowned in a lake."
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Hello, this is, um, Victoria Blackwell, I work with your client Ezra Fitz?"
Gallasi Agency: "Yes, he's prodigious, isn't he? You're in PA, right?"
Aria: "Yeah, we're going to throw him a surprise party. When's he publishing it?"
Admin: "He's here now discussing that with Anna actually."
Aria: "He's not there telling you he burned the entire book because its existence is fucking profane, then? Or that he dropped it from a ski lift and never retrieved it?"
Admin: "Call me back tomorrow and I'll tell you whatever they end up saying! I hope you have a great party, he's a real cutie. And such a writer, that one. Some journalists just have it, that thing where they will do anything, no matter how gross or insensitive, to get the real story."
Aria: "I have to go destroy everything in my path now."
HASTINGS
Toby: "Well, I lost Spencer."
Peter: "Wow that did not take long."
DILAURENTIS
Props to this scene for being more dramatically lit than like Sunset Boulevard. If ever there were a house where you could get accustomed to your dead daughter appearing and offering you hiring tips, it would be this one.
Spencer: "I ditched my boyfriend at the Brew and doubled back, so I'm gonna make this quick. Do you think I hurt Ali?"
Jessica: "Talk slower. Downers and uppers don't... Momma's crunk as hell, Spencer."
Spencer: "Do you and my father have, among your many secrets and agreements, one about keeping quiet that I killed your daughter?"
Jessica: "Did you know you look like hell?"
Spencer: "If you lie to me I swear to God. I have clearly misplaced the majority of my marbles, Mrs. D. Surely you sense this."
Jessica: "I... Should I call the cops? Your parents? Think, Jess, think!"
Spencer: "Did you see me with a shovel that night?"
(HA! Every time.)
Spencer: "If you did see me hurt Ali, why not call the cops? Just talk to me, bitch!"
Spencer physically attacks her -door neighbor at this point, and gets strong-armed out into the yard without further ado. I know I've said this before, but Spencer really needs a better plan for proving she isn't crazy. Acting totally fucking crazy is just not a strategy that's working for her.
SPEAKING OF
Aria comes screeching around the corner to somebody's residence, and Hanna -- who's been coming the streets for her, presumably, in between weirdly kissing random people she should not be kissing -- hops out just behind her.
Hanna: "Hey girl, what is the haps right now?"
Aria: "He's moving forward with the book, I just talked to the agency and apparently Random House is just on pins and needles waiting for that last chapter. Fuck."
Hanna: "That sucks but why are you walking toward Principal Hackett's house?"
Aria: "Because I want to see the world BURN, Hanna."
Hanna: "Oh I get it. That's kind of the same reason I keep kissing people, actually. But listen, you're talking about sending your boyfriend to jail."
Aria: "Fully aware. Fully in support."
Hanna: "Also you are going to be the... Remember when the laxbros thought you boned Mikey's friend that time, and then they started talking about Fitz, and you felt shame about your body and your sexuality, like it didn't belong to you?"
Aria: "Really not disproving my basic point here."
Hanna: "Now instead of the locker room, imagine watching it on the literal news. I love you and I support you in whatever you do, but I want you to be clear about what you're doing. Crystalline."
Then a commercial break so you can think about how great Hanna is, how besides the Caleb thing she's been a total rock for... What, since Anne Sullivan, I always talk about that being the breaking point for her crazy. Caleb sent her wobbly, for sure, but this is exactly what I'm talking about: She gets the boundaries, she didn't thug out and take away Aria's choices, she just established the ground rules for how we're going to think about this and talk about it and asked her to breathe. The differences between these two approaches could not be more important, to me: Aria gets to remain a person, Emily becomes a doll. But what happened? Ah. Ding-dong ditch.
Hanna: "You did the right thing."
Aria: "I don't feel better, though. I feel even angrier. Thank you for being a good friend and that was rockstar what you did, but I kind of don't want to look at your face right now."
Hanna: "I am trying to love you and you desperately need it. I've been through this..."
Aria: "Listen to my words. I do not want to talk to you. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to be left alone."
Hanna: "Okay, I respect you as a person and a woman so I'll take you at your word."
Aria: "You'd make a really good girlfriend. Thanks for understanding."
FIELDS
Paige: "What are we going to eat, now that we're back from Wallingford? You know what, don't worry about it. I'll just pick something for you to eat."
Emily: "It's actually getting kind of late and Aria is spinning out, so..."
Paige: "Why are you challenging me?"
Emily: "It is one thing to learn that the people who love you can hurt you, and that it doesn't mean they don't love you. It is powerful to learn this because it helps you understand what taking care of yourself actually entails, which is not letting people hurt you but also not forming your identity around the concept of being hurt. Either of which generally leads to a lot more getting hurt, until it's how you thrive..."
Paige: "I feel like there's a but."
Emily: "But. The person who is hurting you, and loves you, doesn't necessarily mean to. Nine out of ten, they don't. It's the exception to the rule, when you have Mona or Alison for example telling us they made us strong. Past a certain point of growth, of health, people barely ever mean to hurt each other at all. So they can't hear you saying, You are hurting me, because that would make them bad, and they know they're not bad. A lot of pain comes out of love. Bars on the windows. And it starts with taking away someone's choices. Their agency. The trick is to know that the person is loving you by doing this, so you don't lose them, but making sure you're protected from it. Which is hard when they don't hear you."
Paige: "So, no harm done?"
Emily: "Ultimatums are for assholes, Paige."
Paige: "And yet you're giving me one right now."
Emily: "...Wow. Good night, see you tomorrow."
Well played, McCullers. I love this storyline so much for that reason, that Paige has always pushed too hard and loved too hard, and that this gave her so much bravery and so much strength, but the thing that makes you awesome is always the thing that makes you suck: Where self-confidence crosses the line from Me to You, and starts being about treating you like an extension of myself. A thing to which Emily has always been susceptible -- she would have climbed inside Alison's clothing and lived there like a marsupial; she would have carried that girl across the world on her back -- and a thing that is all the more seductive -- to them, to us -- when there's no visible downside:
If it weren't for Alison, crying and lonely on a bus somewhere, who knows what Emily would do with this tendency of Paige's? Thrive on it, I think. Drown in it. Trade day for night. You know exactly the couple I'm talking about, if you think about your friends or your parents' friends. And Emily and Paige, they're both so much better than that. We all are.
(This conversation is absolutely timely and important, for who we are and where we are, in history. I like Paily okay, to the extent that I'm able to think in those terms; I know I give Paige a hard time but that's just because you can see from here where Emily's trouble spots are, and Paige doesn't always bother to be sensitive to them; she will go ahead and use them, sometimes. Very weak, for such a strong girl; we're all growing up, it's fine. But if you want to see a relationship that hammers this stuff out until it shines brighter than the sun, and for some reason you are not already watching The Fosters, you need to be watching The Fosters. Best show -- and best, most beautiful marriage -- since Friday Night Lights. Not hyperbole. Actual fact.)
HASTINGS
Spencer comes home to Toby and the rare sighting of both parents, ready to intervene yet again. I wonder what Jessica did? Would that make it better or worse if they knew that part? Either way she goes upstairs without a word, and curls into a ball to cry. Lotta thoughts to think about. The immediate danger, downstairs. The fact that they're right and she cannot kick this one. The fact that there are parts of her life she doesn't know about, and maybe she was the killer this whole time. That is all very heavy stuff, even for Spencer. But I would think it's the last one: No matter how many pills you take, some memories won't come. And if they're right, that's probably for the best. Until they do.
MONTGOMERY
Aria's packing a bag and heading out! Blow this popstand, Jack!
Emily: "What is this happening now? You're just going to keep driving until you figure it out?"
Aria: "That's what's happening."
Emily: "We should talk. Or I should come with you. Or..."
Aria: "Or nothing. Just get outta my way, you're making me claustrophobic."
Emily: "Ah. Ironic. Well, given the day I've had I would be a real asshole to do anything but let you go."
Aria: "Thank you, and goodbye. I am going somewhere and I will know what it is when I get there, and what it is called is, full on bonkers."
And out on the street, Paige thinks really hard before finding the nearest cop car and dropping Ali's envelope inside with a note: "I know for a fact that Alison DiLaurentis is still alive. Start looking for her." Which, to be fair, is probably the smartest way to go from here. In for a penny, yeah, but also: If Alison is safe, the whole thing ends, and A isn't between them anymore, and Alison isn't between them anymore, and Paige and Emily can trust each other again. A strong finish for a very ugly race.
A-TAG
Wearing gloves and hoodie, A flips through the dirty marked-up pages of Ezra's manuscript. He opens a pot-bellied stove and stokes the coals, but doesn't throw them in.
WEEK
Holbrook and Tanner presumably get started on this new thing, sending Hanna off on a new path. Emily digs into the Mona and Ezra situation or situations, and apparently this ends up being heartbreaking in some way. Aria meets a college fella, younger and more hardy than the last one; Spencer also apparently makes a new friend (who is not pills).
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.