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Ezra engineers a Liars' intervention for speed-freak Spencer after she's "found" having sleepwalked to school and fallen asleep on his desk. Interestingly, this is the detail that sends her mom over the edge at the end of the episode: That back during her original addiction -- which was confirmed this week -- she often fugued out and didn't know what she was doing. Hmm. Also, Toby bought her a necklace and she flaked to do a Liar thing, but now everybody thinks she's ditching him because of drugs; you can imagine the face that Toby makes about all this.
Emily and Hanna put together a scheme (sort of middle-managed by a very addled Spencer) to trick Ezra into attacking them at a reptile exhibit at the local zoo, thanks to some clues in the messed-with Diary. But actually it's Mona who shows up to torment them, ditching out in turn on a date with Mikey Montgomery, who has changed up his hair game to sweet effect. (To her credit, Mona seems very against all these A-Team shenanigans, but who even knows with that girl.)
Where's Ezra during all this? Chasing Aria around his cabin's environs, which she breaks into after the (horrific shitshow of an) intervention goes south, and she realizes maybe Spencer's not just a raving lunatic: She's both a raving lunatic and a dream-soothsayer who has gotten to the bottom of the Ezra situation during her last mental time-out. Aria finds a manuscript detailing his relationship with Alison, wigs, and -- in truly impressive Aria fashion -- gets herself stuck on a ski lift with Ezra belted in right beside her.
Ezra explains that he is not actually murdering everybody, but in fact got very interested in the journalism arts after his one-time statutory rape victim was murdered. He decided it would be an interesting and important thing for him to do if he Truman Capote'd the True Crime of her death, which makes ZERO SENSE because how you gonna explain the fact that you were boning a child that died in the middle of the story how she died? "Oh, did I not mention that? Well, I also boned her little friends while writing this book, so you can see how that would muddy the journalistic waters."
But anyway, Aria is less offended by this leap in logic than the idea that Alison got there first, and even that less than the fact that Ezra has been playing her for a massive chump from the time he first seduced her underage ass in the pilot. (Also, his security passcode -- which I guess he installed after the last break-in -- is "B-26," because he is a fucking crazy person who thinks crazy thoughts like this.) We don't see how she gets herself off the lift, but we do see her go ham on his ass talking about you better believe she's gonna read this creepy story cover-to-cover... before he "accidentally" drops it into the forest. (A is later seen retrieving the pages, of course. Can't let all that pervy prose go to waste.)
Aria makes it home just in time to give Mona a royal drive-by before going upstairs and throwing around various gifts Ezra has given her, because even after all this his bizarre story suits her personal narrative so well that she's willing to be more butthurt about their shaky-ass relationship than about the fact that he keeps killing her friends. That's so Aria, that's exactly why she's my favorite right now. Both of those crazy kids. You know when you don't even have the energy to call Mona a bitch that something is about to crack inside you.
Meanwhile, everybody is concerned about Spencer's total drug addiction, to the point that she has to keep walking everyone to the concept that this is not a zero-sum and that in fact she can be a drug addict and Ezra can be A, both at the same time. Watching her unravel around their inability to comprehend this -- and listening to herself spout crazy nonsense -- is by far the most touching stuff in the episode, although Aria does give good sorrow and rage when called upon to do so. I was a little wary of how they'd eventually execute the "I'm so excited" portion of this storyline, but this was as inventive and moving and surprising as we could have wanted.
And beyond that, I loved it because it did that thing the show does so well, which is create two-sided situations that do double-duty without underserving either: Spencer's panic and retaliatory accusations are exactly what an intervention looks like, so she's doing what they think she's doing at the same time she's also in the right. Yes it is an intervention, and yes Ezra is A, and no, they can't be expected to pursue both trains of thought at once, so you kind of have to look at what's in front of you:
Spencer Hastings making zero sense, pulling all kinds of frequent-flier trickery, and generally flaking out while looking like a very beautiful brain-eating zombie. But we love Spencer, so the exquisite Snakepit horror of watching them pity and discount her, from her perspective, is also both factually and emotionally real. Your body responds to both things as though they are other things, putting you right there claustrophobically in the room with all of them. I just love that, I really do. So well done; really, one of the most impressive scenes I can think of, here or elsewhere, in a while. The whole episode was great.
Week: Aria loses her goddamn mind, and Spencer tries to spin her nineteenth nervous breakdown without accidentally solving any crimes or gobbling any more pills. Also, Paige does something weird but probably not nuts, but maybe nuts.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Spencer's intention to protect Emily from Alison's bullshit led to one very terrified Alison on the run without money or visible support -- especially after A chased Shana out of town, possibly for good. Ezra is some kind of freakin' Bond villain now that has you on blast wherever you are and whatever you are doing, which does make him seem like A who is also into those things, but maybe he is and maybe he is just a disturbed individual with a weakness for the soft flesh of children. Also, Spencer had a waking dream of a parallel universe where everything was awesome, but she's still on drugs so she's having a tough time remembering what is real and what is merely the awesome of a bygone era.
FITZ
Spencer wakes up faceplanted on Ezra's desk at school, wearing her pajamas and zero shoes.
Ezra: "Spencer? It is time for school, not for sleeping in school. Go home and start over."
Spencer: "I am a little confused."
Ezra: "Are you confused that I will murder you? Please just put that random Diary away and go put on some weirdo outpatient clothing so we can have school."
Spencer: "Why did I sleep at school?"
Ezra: "Because you are on drugs. It might be a problem. Or maybe the problem is that you are onto me and I have to murder you."
Spencer: "Maybe they are both problems."
WC
Hanna: "Spencer, good morning. Quick question, why are you wearing a weird hoodie and shower shoes? Emily and I both look very glamorous, for comedic juxtaposition."
Emily: "Spencer, did you... Have an accident?"
Spencer: "You sure got there in a hurry. No, the answer is not that I wet myself, the answer is that I am having a meltdown. I found these clothes in the lost and found. The shower shoes I got out of my gym locker."
Emily: "This meltdown, is it related to you butt-dialing me at four AM?"
Spencer: "I don't remember doing that either. I guess I was just sleep-driving."
Emily: "Remember that time Jenna Thing drove me all over town and she was blind?"
Spencer: "Ezra Fitz acted like a murderer at me and maybe kidnapped me. I think we should definitely tell Aria that her old/new boyfriend is a killer of ladies."
Liars: "Why would we do that? That's a terrible idea. Let's just keep it a secret from her until we are sure that she is dead."
Spencer: "You guys are right."
Are they, though? I guess the point is that Spencer is something of an unreliable narrator at this point, so why open the door to an Aria fit. Why give even tacit approval for her to talk about Ezra Fitz. That's a magic lamp you can't unrub.
EZRA EZRA
Ezra: "Can we have a secret meeting right here in the hallway where everybody is?"
Aria: "Sure, is it about our love affair that will get you fired and in jail if we talk about it in public?"
Ezra: "In part it is. Also your friend is on drugs."
Aria: "That's just Spencer doing Spencer. A garbanzo bean in the wrong salad bin is enough to make her wig out."
Ezra: "Chickpeas again. Gold falafel. The clues are everywhere."
Ezra hands over Spencer's file, which details how there is an entire year of Spencer's life nobody can remember because she is an unrepentant drug addict, which includes the forgotten fact that she is a drug addict. You don't know what you don't know, I guess. Like how in Memento things happened in a certain way. Man, I kept falling asleep watching that movie and every time I woke up, it was like I was in the movie. "What's happening now?" Nobody knows, not even Mr. Memento.
Ezra: "Part of me thinks I shouldn't use my status as an authority figure to take the agency away of young ladies in my care. It's almost like taking advantage of my age and role."
Aria: "Wouldn't that be horrible if you did that? On the reg, I mean. But okay, I will take this person's private medical information and just roam around all day with it."
MEANWHILE
Toby: "Just dropped by during my busy teen workday to be cute and point out that you are wearing ice cream treat-printed scrubs and walking weird in orange culottes."
Spencer: "These are Hanna's clothes. They would presumably flatter her if she were wearing them, instead of how I look, which is Radley to the max."
Toby: "Are you mad at me for [whatever dead mom thing]?"
Spencer: "I could not care less about that. I mean yes, I am disappointed in you. But that's not why I'm avoiding you. Why that is, is, I am Speed Racer. A demon on wheels."
Toby: "Do you want to talk about it over a sandwich?"
Spencer: "I haven't eaten in three weeks and frankly the idea is disgusting to me because of drugs. But if you're interested I can lecture you on the French Papal succession."
Toby: "As if I understand anything you're ever talking about. Have at it."
The funniest Adderall thing I ever heard was on Tumblr, or Twitter or something, this person was like, "I had to write this paper so I thought I'd just play Candy Crush for a minute waiting for my Adderall to kick in. That was over forty years ago."
THE QUAD
Hanna tries to scam Emily's string cheese, because string cheese is the best. Emily tries to be New Hardass Emily and not give her the string cheese, but it's Hanna! Give her your string cheese already.
Liars: "It is so hard hiding from Aria. You would think that since she's keeping Ezra a secret she wouldn't be on our jocks so hard, because what else is there to talk about. I guess we're friends after all."
Emily: "I thought you only got hungry when you were sad."
Hanna: "Being nervous makes me sad."
Emily: "Good thing we're hiding from Aria here in public in the middle of the school where everybody eats lunch in every episode. She'll never think to..."
Aria: "...Hey, there you are. Are you hiding anything from me like if my secret boyfriend is a killer of girls?"
Liars: "No! We've been too busy looking all over for you/avoiding your texts."
Aria: "Listen, where's Spencer? The one person I am not allowed to talk to today?"
Liars: "Nobody knows. Probably still making strange conspiracy theories about things she made up in her head like usual, only harder and faster."
Aria: "Yeah, can we talk about that?"
Liars: "That is precisely what we cannot talk about."
Aria: "Because look at her private medical information. It says here that Spencer was fugued out the entire year Alison died*, due to being on drugs."
*(The phrase everybody uses is "two years ago," but if you expect me to double-check that shit you clearly do not understand my priorities. The timeline of this show or what year it is on this show is not of interest to me; sell me some Study Aid and we'll see, Brenda, but that's literally the only way I would be interested in figuring that crap out.)
TOBY SMELLING YOU
Toby: "So I can't get you eat, sleep or fuck? What can I do? Just smell you?"
He does, bless his heart. It is so weird. Spencer consents to the smelling, because that's what she's capable of giving him today. She agrees to his date-night idea, in a very distracted way that any normal person would understand is a blow-off, but since Toby Cavanaugh is a person with no friends and a very demanding teen job -- and whose entire life is a Tennessee Williams play that takes place in a cobwebbed darkness -- I get why he thinks they actually have a date.
HASTINGS THROWDOWN
Spencer: "Sodas for everybody! Popsicles for dinner! I wish food was pills, because it's futuristic! And because I simply love pills."
Aria: "Hey, I have a look of trepidation."
Spencer: "You motherfuckers already told her?"
Liars: "No! Now it is about something else."
Who's on First? This goes on for a while, where Spencer thinks it is an intervention for Aria, but only one of those things is true. By far the second-saddest thing about this is Aria Frigging Montgomery looking at her with pity and being right and being not the idiot we're all worried about. Like of all the people to make you feel rat-in-a-cage insane by being the Concerned Friend, Aria Montgomery is absolutely the worst scenario.
Hanna: "Look, are you a speed freak?"
Liars: "Wow. Well, it's out there. So are you? In a more sensitive phrasing, of course."
Aria: "This is an intervention. I have wanted my whole life to do this. When I finally wrest power of the school therapy group away from that amateur Jesse Lindall, I will be doing these pretty much constantly."
Spencer: "Yeah, it's an intervention. For you."
Aria: "Because of the way I dress?"
Everybody feels bad for Spencer, who is spinning out impressively as she feels the tables turning and can't figure out how. Watching herself from the outside slowly perform the craziness of a crazy person. Defeated by Incompleteness Theorem Two: A sane person doesn't need to keep reiterating how not crazy they are, because that makes you for sure crazy.
Liars: "We found out that you were a drug addict before this show started. Ezra helpfully told us, and gave us documentation of it."
Spencer: "Oh, now I get it."
Aria: "Get what? Guys, what is she talking about?"
Liars: "We're not there yet on the agenda. Bringing it up now just seems like deflecting."
Spencer: "I'm not deflecting! I am calling your attention to more urgent things!"
Liars: "Which is exactly what happens at this point in every intervention."
Spencer: "It's not like I was looking forward to breaking Aria's heart, quite the opposite. What I am interested in doing is stopping our murders. Can this not wait?"
Aria: "Guys, what? Hang on, what is this? I am not getting it."
Spencer: "Ezra is trying to make me look crazy before I can make him look crazy but I'm not the one who's crazy, he's crazy. I'm not the one who's crazy he's crazy."
Aria: "Crazy maybe because of how worried he is about you, due to being on drugs."
Spencer: "He's Boardshorts! He tried to kill Ali and he's been torturing us ever since. He is A!"
Aria: "We can talk about that later. Right now, let's stick to the subject at hand. Classic addict behavior."
Spencer: "I know! I can fucking hear myself doing it! This is the worst!"
"How can you not see what's happening right now. He's trying to undermine me. He's being A!"
Liars: "Is it true, though, that you were discovered sprawled across his desk barefoot in your pajamas, face-down in Alison's Diary?"
Spencer: "I sleepwalked. Sure. It happens."
Liars: "You just sleepwalked out to your car, belted in, drove your car to school, broke into school, and fell asleep on Ezra Fitz's desk? That 'happens'?"
Spencer: "Yeah, when you're on drugs. Which I am! But not that bad!"
Liars: "You're just kind of a drug addict? Okay sure, now that's settled we can just move on to new business."
Aria: "I know you're feeling cornered..."
Spencer: "Shut the fuck up, Aria. You're trying to help but you're also getting off on this in a really gross way, because I'm making you defensive in turn. So now you have to treat this whole thing like a deflection, which is a deflection of yours that is supported by Ezra's..."
Liars: "Again, can you hear yourself? You need something else to anchor this, because you sound like the lady on the bus who thinks the CIA is after her and if you tell her it's not, you're just proving that it is. Because she is crazy. That's what crazy is."
Spencer: "Aria, wake up! This is exactly the kind of deer-in-the-headlights behavior that almost got you shot in a nightclub..."
Aria: "Pardon?"
Spencer: "That time Toby beat up Ezra and they were both wearing hats... Oh, that wasn't reality. Hang on. Okay, sorry. Yeah. I'm confused. No doubt about that. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy, or wrong. Frankly I could be crazy and that still wouldn't mean that I'm wrong. Let me allow for the possibility of taking this narrative beyond Incompleteness Theorem One by expanding the scope to include all these things being true at the same time, and we can decide which one is more urgent..."
She dumps out her purse like a crazy drug addict would do at this point in the conversation, and out comes... A whole Dr. Wren Kingston Rx pad. Oh, shit.
Liars: "Wren? He's your hookup?"
Spencer: "Not for a long time now, fml. Oh, you mean for drugs. No."
Liars: "So you just swiped his pad? That's... Super drug junkie of you."
Spencer: "I have never seen this in my life. But yeah, I realize I have no leg to stand on now."
So brilliant. I loved this whole scene just about as much as I've ever loved a scene, on this show or any other show. It's like the ultimate expression of what this show is about: Your paranoia and persecution insecurity aren't incorrect, but getting stuck inside them is a thing you must think harder than. Whether you're Spencer, putting your literal body and mind on the line to save the world, or Mona Vanderwaal, who stopped caring if people thought she sucked and magically stopped sucking in that moment.
Frozen is obviously the best movie of all time, but the thing nobody ever mentions is how at the end, Elsa becomes God, or at least a Goddess: If she can bring winter and summer, then she's covered the whole board. She's the Black Swan. But the only way that can happen for sure in the real world is if you understand that you are not the Anna to anybody else's Elsa: That movie works like a dream, where you are all the characters at the same time.
Your unconditional love for yourself is what powers the change, but you can't change until you accept what already is, which is the paradox that fuels any successful therapeutic or spiritual change. You can't change What Is until you accept What Is; the paradox is that by that time, you'll be so much higher for having transcended it that all that poison and garbage just turns into fuel for the furthering of your awesomeness.
Which is why Frozen is the best movie of all time: Holding both parts of yourself in alignment, for the rest of your life; being at peace with the part of yourself that will never be at peace. Understanding that the thing that makes you awesome is the thing that makes you suck, always; that being ashamed of that part of yourself leaves it without any way to be effective except at hurting you from the inside. So do you want to fight your demons until you're both bleeding, or do you want to love them into serving you?
I mention this mostly because I think about borderline stuff a lot with this show, but also because the Spencer episode in particular illustrates an often under-addressed part of this scenario, which is that part of being crazy is being stuck in the thought that you are crazy, when what's really happening is that every problem started out as a solution, and what you think is "crazy" is really just a no-longer-necessary tool out of context. So are you going to bleed for that? Or just see it as scaffolding -- for what you built, and are building -- that you no longer need? The painting would look a lot prettier if you lost all that masking tape.
At root, Spencer trying to turn this speed intervention into an Ezra intervention is exactly as short-sighted as the Liars are saying it is. The proof comes a little later in the episode, when she starts pulling directly from the Junkie Playbook, but the flags are up now: Once you start pulling disordered shit like this, nobody else can help you, because getting told you are crazy just underlines what you already knew, and most therapies are helpless against that kind of confirmation bias. Spencer isn't wrong, but that doesn't make her right either.
GRILLE
Mikey: "I bet you were such a cute baby!"
Mona: "No, I was born wearing glasses."
Mikey: "That's adorable. I've always been physically pretty perfect. All of my problems are on the inside."
Mona: "It's so fun being on this normal date with normal you!"
Mikey: "Are we in love? Is this love? Can you please be in love with me?"
Mona: "Simmer down, Thirsty. I'll be right back."
Mona: "Ezra, what are you doing here at the Applewood Grille? I am on a date with a child, and would like zero of your nonsense."
Ezra: "Here is some of my nonsense. Say thank you."
Mona: "Thank you."
Ezra: "Sir."
Mona: "Don't push it. But also please don't murder me."
LOVE IS A DRUG
Paige and Hanna nosh on pizza and talk about their friend's drug addiction and this book of murder evidence they keep trading with a serial killer. Justgirlythingz.
Liars: "Aria said she was staying home, but isn't it more likely that she's being murdered? Oh well."
Hanna: "It's like how Spencer is addicted to drugs. Only instead it's a tiny man."
Emily: "Do you think he has hypnotized her? I myself have a history with mesmerism."
Liars: "Well, Ezra is clearly A. Or maybe the Diary setup was a double-setup, that we would overlook getting an altered Diary back and think that Ezra was somehow incompetent all of a sudden and just leaving A stuff around."
Spencer walks in there with a baggie of pills that looks like a small amount for personal use and not at all an amount like has kept her awake for the last four episodes.
Spencer: "Sorry I'm a junkie, but can we talk about my weird conspiracy theories?"
Liars: "Aria's not here to protect from her own safety, so go for it."
Spencer: "I think that Ambrose Pavilion is an old meeting-place for Alison and A, and that's why A doesn't want us to know about it and defaced that name into another name."
Liars: "Didn't we already think that? Or just implied it. Wait, you are a crazy person."
Spencer: "I know, I'm trying to do this in a way where that's not a factor. I looked it up, and Ambrose is a Pavilion in the nearby Norristown Zoo."
Liars: "How does this prove Ezra is A?"
Spencer: "You guys I'm not even trying to go down that road. Listen to my face-words. We will trick 'whoever' -- which yes, I believe to be Ezra, but that part doesn't signify right now -- into meeting us there, by putting forth like we are meeting Ali to give her that money inside the coffee beans from inside the lasagna box of a poster of Alison as the skulls of French twins."
But you know Emily and Hanna are just like, "The Zoo! We are in, drugs or no."
HASTINGS
Veronica is fresh-faced and fancy-free, heading out to tennis with the girls and then dinner with the girls and then who knows what? Drunken conversations with poolboys, I'm hoping. That is by far my favorite kind of Veronica.
Veronica: "Have you been in your room all day? Lame."
Spencer: "It started out as a nap and then that turned into sleeping as though I haven't slept in four episodes. I did not wake up looking particularly refreshed, however."
Veronica: "Like I'm gonna notice that. When I look at you all I see is just Not Melissa. Are you gonna trot out your accomplishments for my bitches or what."
Spencer: "I'm having dinner at Toby's place tonight."
Veronica: "How'm I supposed to tell my tennis friends that?"
Spencer: "That I'm having dinner with my boyfriend? How is that unreasonable?"
Veronica: "Whatever. Get some sleep, you look like shit."
Spencer immediately calls Toby to voicemail-ditch him, using the classic cancellation property of sleepover math. I am sure this part is just a slice of life and will not have any plot consequences, though. Probably just another slick move we can add to all of Spencer's real good choices she's been making lately. Although can you imagine if she told him what was really up?
"Date night sounds super fun? Only can we convert that into a booty call later instead? Because I frankly would prefer visiting a zoo in a neighboring town."
EZRA
Aria: "So then I thought I should just lie to my friends, run directly to you, and tell you all about Spencer's suspicious behavior."
Ezra: "Best brain I ever washed. Make sure we really emphasize the fact that she would make wild accusations at that point in the confrontation narrative. I'm basically an expert, I was an RA in college. Sadly not in a Freshman dorm, so I didn't get a ton of tail."
Aria: "Some part of my submerged consciousness has realized I shouldn't actually tell you she called you A, on the off chance that saying this would cause you to murder me in this murder cabin where we come so nobody can hear you murder me."
Ezra: "I feel like there's something you're not telling me."
Ezra: "I think maybe it's time to tell the Hastingses. Or at least whichever one of them is on the show this week not 'being a lawyer.'"
Aria: "Tell one of my friends' parents that their child is in danger? What am I, a monster?"
Ezra: "I forgot that's how y'all roll."
Ezra: "Okay, but she sleep-drove. She could have killed somebody. A child! A puppy, Aria."
Aria: "I get that? But I think maybe you have Spencer confused with another of my schoolmates if you think anybody can say shit to her."
Ezra: "No, I know which one Spencer is. The one that just got out of a mental institution."
Aria: "Touché."
Ezra: "And all that took was seeing her boyfriend's dead body. Not even her boyfriend's dead body, just a body."
Aria: "Hey, how do you know that?"
Ezra: "...Know what?"
REAR WINDOW
Emily: "Mr. Fitz, more coffee? No? Can I just awkwardly drop this entire full dish tub on the sidewalk like some kind of incompetent laxbro instead?"
Her phone rings! She is so dumb, she answers it. What a dummy! Doesn't she know that Ezra is A and he's sitting right there?
Emily: "I can't talk right now about our friend Alison DiLaurentis who faked her own death and now needs some skull twin lasagna bean money that we will bring her to Ambrose Pavilion at the Zoo tonight just around closing!"
Nailed it. Hanna, and a relatively with-it Spencer, hilariously direct this performance from a nearby vehicle, watching Ezra respond by making his furious Mr. Hyde faces at Emily's rear end this entire time. Once Ezra's antennae are fully erect, they bounce.
LOVE IS THE DRUG
Aria and Spencer both go frequent-flying, in an intertwined scene that puts Spencer on the phone exhausting every outlet, while Aria drives the variable distance to Murder Cabin so she can exhaust the possibilities of Ezra being A. Since they already went head-to-head with their "my addiction is less grave than your addiction" thing once already, it's neat to see this mirrored back-to-back like this.
Spencer: "Whoo! Not having drugs on my person is making feel zoned out, sweaty, woozy and unbalanced. What would help that is, some drugs. I need them pills!"
Pharmacy: "Mrs. Hastings? You have already called in seventeen refills on this today."
Spencer: "Gotta go! Andrew's on the other line, ready to hook a sister up!"
Meanwhile, Aria looks particularly fetching as she deer/headlights her way toward the murder cabin, shaking and horrified, and then she notices a new burglar alarm that I guess he just put in today. She tries every writer she can think of, also the words "Ezra" and "sonnet" -- because come on, girlfriend has no illusions about what she's saddled with -- and then hits on... B-26! I laughed so loud. The Gold Falafel Award goes to...
Think about it. You got Ezra who supposedly uses this cabin for his writer activities and he's like, "What is the best thing for this code?" and immediately it's, "My only piece of writing to be actually published!" Meanwhile Aria's train of thought is simply, "What are some things about me... Got it." Her favorite Jeopardy category of all time, herself, intersecting exactly where...
Wait you guys, what if "B-26" isn't actually about Aria at all? What if it's just shoes she stepped into, like trying on mommy's high heels, except once again they're still warm from Alison's feet?
Do you think that would literally kill her? Kill her body?
OPERATION MANNEQUIN LEG
Receptionist: "Mrs. Hastings? This is Dr. Griggs's office calling to schedule a..."
Veronica: "...I knew it. My daughter is back to being a crackhead. I'll take it from here."
It's amazing how quickly she figures the entire thing out. That's what life is like when your job is being a lawyer places.
Meanwhile, the Zoo! But it's an hour before closing so they can't even zoo it up. Zoos used to make me feel weird like the circus does, but they don't anymore. A zoo is not animal jail, for the reason that animals don't know what jail is, because they are animals. I mean, a crappy zoo is a crappy zoo and that's sad and awful, but that doesn't invalidate the concept of zoos.
Hanna: "Hold up. Ambrose Pavilion is a reptile exhibit? Fuck this. I choose A."
Emily: "Get your balls out of your purse, Marin."
Emily holds her hand and escorts her into the Pavilion. It's so sweet and very hardcore. I love Emily so much lately. It's like so many terrifying things happened to her they burnt out the part of her that is able to have fears.
"I may not have been there the time CeCe Drake killed all those snakes with a mannequin leg, but I did stab a man to death in a lighthouse once so I'm good to go."
Meanwhile -- and again in parallel, this episode is so wonderful -- Aria discovers the hidden trapdoor into the cellar, and without even the benefit of Emily forces herself to go down there. A different kind of reptile habitat, but one that can still getcha.
Hanna: "Jesus. Only Alison DiLaurentis could, much less purposefully would, get off specifically in front of a million deadly snakes."
Emily: "Let's just mosey around until Spencer gets here and we can make the drop."
Hanna is confused and then horrified by a snake's natural adaptive coloration, where it looks like no snake but then: Snake.
OPERATION CARNIVORE'S DELIGHT
Over at the Cabin, Aria finds the cellar sadly empty. No computer mainframes, no million closed-circuit feeds, no ledger books paying off various members of the A-Team, no wardrobe of a thousand hoodies and man-shoes, no ludicrous timelines or photos with circles and exclamation points on them at random, no Wilden on a yacht, no gold falafel, no huge giant pictures of the Alison Art Exhibition.
But then back upstairs, her eye falls upon the coffee-table book of grill recipes -- Carnivore's Delight, which is some pretty high-level symbolism for a person who is not a serial killer to stash what's in there -- and for no reason I can think of (or wait, isn't one or both of them a vegetarian?) she opens it up: Hollowed out! Containing a binder-clipped manuscript of Ezra's tortured prose! She reads it, and Ezra voices over:
"The first thing Alison ever told me about herself was a lie. Lying was her oxygen. She could do it while she was laughing. She could even do it when she was kissing you..."
It's legit terrifying. Then Aria hears Ezra roll up outside lookin' sketch, and just then for some reason he gets an alert about how somebody just got into his cabin's security an hour ago. She flips the book closed and scrams, and when Ezra comes in he immediately peeps the open window and her keys (haha Aria) on the entry table. My notes at this point say, "Well, it's all over now. Mr. Hyde goes Full dark."
Which is hilarious, because when we cut to the exterior of the cabin, suddenly it's nighttime. I mean, the closing times for the Zoo and the Ski Lodge nearby are both eight, so it makes sense that it's dark, but it's still a pretty abrupt edit. Or maybe Ezra just settled into staring at all of his cabin objects in a silent murder rage for that long, I don't know. The important thing is that he chases her around the woods for approximately ten years, and it's very scary! Especially when he calls her cell phone and she can't put it on vibrate fast enough. (How Aria is that? I can't remember the last time I even heard a ringtone, and I'm not a high school student who'd have even more motivation to have that shit on silent 24/7.)
At this point, the screen bug says something about "Should Aria forgive Ezra? Let's Tweet about it." At first I was like, Um, what? But of course by the end of the episode you realize what they're saying, and it was just a jumped-gun situation that they popped it up there so early in the terror. Either way, hashtag UH NO.
OPERATION MANNEQUIN LEG
The ladies watch as a Spencer-shaped person, give or take a foot, arrives five minutes from closing, and commences disappearing and reappearing out of the shadows like A would. And of course is -- Mona, presumably -- so when Spencer shows up behind them, still struggling into her Alison wig she happens to have, the Liars all have a collective freakout.
The reason AA wants you to have a Higher Power is because when you are an addict, you are not only internally thinking that you are the world, but also your body is telling you not to pay attention to anything else: That's two different kinds of being God. And the most important thing to me about any religious practice is that it reminds you that you aren't: An addict needs to shrink their internal perception of themselves down enough to admit the existence of the many other things in the world that are not just them and their survival, so they can learn to mediate between the outside and inside world.
Even a rage addict, certainly an abuser, any kind of control-loss like this you're looking at a basic glitch about what is you and what is the world -- or often, what is now and what is the amount of time that comes after now -- and being too full of your problem to add one single drop of anything or anybody else, even if you're hurting them or yourself. Or just pissing them off, which is why I mention this: It's also why addicts such as Spencer are always showing up late to the snakehouse.
OPERATION ASPEN EXTREME
Aria spots a nearby random ski lodge with a ski-lift that is closing in five minutes and because she is a literal genius, straps herself into that motherfucker with Ezra right beside her, out of nowhere, so suddenly she and her boyfriend who is also her torturer are suspended high above the world with no escape. It's so fucking great.
As is what he says : "I didn't mean for it to end this way!"
OPERATION MANNEQUIN LEG
My notes, verbatim: "Liars running around and the flickering of the environments."
Which is pretty apt. They run around and around while the lights all zap and the recording about all the many snakes keeps talking and stuttering and everything seems like it is electrified and like we are about to have a parseltongue situation. They get got by an annoyed zookeeper and peace out, but not before grabbing their cash and wig, and then I think Hanna spots another wig? Like Mona was there in disguise as Spencer in disguise as Alison? That's so Mona. That's so Ali too though. Also kind of comforting, in a hard-to-describe way, like hiding from night monsters under your duvet, or using a British accent when you have to talk to grownups on the phone.
"Fun tip! If you go to the snake habitat wearing a mask of your own face and a wig of your own hair, that way the snakes will be fooled."
OPERATION PISTE OFF
Aria screams her head off on that ski-lift and Ezra tries to chill her out. Guess what, she is not chilling out. It's Aria and this is the first thing that has ever happened to her, and then on top of that, this is legitimately horrible. Even though she totally did it to herself.
Ezra, shaking: "I wanted to tell you so many times but I was afraid..."
Aria: "I don't wanna hear this! But keep talking. Nothing you can say will change anything! But say it just in case."
Ezra: "What is it you think I am up to?"
Aria: "You knocked up my friend and killed her and now you're torturing my..."
Ezra: "No! Way less creepy than that."
Aria: "...Really?"
Ezra: "Moderately."
"I met Alison in college. She lied about her age, and I believed her... I never hurt Alison. I was writing a book about her. A true crime book. When I saw in the papers that she had gone missing, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had to get to the bottom of the story."
Um, what? So you statutory raped this child and then she was murdered, and your first thought was, "I should get very involved in this situation. That won't be weird at all." Visions of Dick Hickock and Perry Smith dancing through your head. Ew and that makes Aria the Perry Smith. Good Lord, Fitz.
Q: "Did you know who I was when we met?"
A: "Uh yeah, obviously I knew who all of you were. She kept you as pets and obsessively wrote down all of your secrets."
Q: "And so you came to Rosewood High so you could spy on us?"
A: "Essentially."
Q: "But first you decided to hook up with me in a bar bathroom and act like you didn't know how old I was? That would make this less cool, not more cool. Surely you can see that. That makes us not simply rape by statute but full-on child molestation."
A: "I saw an advantage, I took it."
Q: "That's what I'm saying, freak."
A: "No, I mean the advantage to quote be a good reporter... the guy that would do anything for the story."
Q: "Including fuck a child. That's your alibi. That's how you prove your trustworthiness."
A: "But I really love you. And you really love me! So it worked out."
Q: "That's true. It did work out."
He goes on to explain that once he was full-on in love with her still-growing self, he put aside his obsessive research into the child he was sleeping with, because I guess he has respect. And then sometimes when they would break up, he would get back into it. In a big way, I suppose, since he rented an entire apartment in another town and also has a secret cabal of paparazzi tailing all of them.
So basically, he's saying, this is Aria's fault for breaking up with him and dating Karate Jake, when all he did was get obsessed with another child that he liked to pretend he was the father of. That's all, no big deal. I mean, your body makes a promise: If you ever get into a pitched custody battle over a child that has nothing to do with you, and I break up with you and date the hottest guy in the dojo, you have my permission to stalk myself and my friends and brainwash me and blow their shit up on drugs charges. I mean, isn't that what we talk about when we talk about love? It's just the deal we make.
Q: "Okay but defending you and running around in secret with you detonated my relationship with my parents and contributed to their divorce. I got put on blast by the entire lacrosse team. I lied to everyone about everything all the time, and when I said I wanted to be honest you made me feel like I was crazy."
A: "Yeah I was just being a good reporter."
Q: "Which is fine, except WE WERE NEVER ACTUALLY DATING. You weren't being upfront, which means I was dating an imaginary person."
A: "Do you seriously think a grown fucking man would indulge your bullshit like I do? Come on, baby. Who's gonna take you to Tunisia? Who's gonna paper-bag your face? Who's gonna look the other way when you feel artsy? Nobody. I'm your best shot."
A: "Now just hand over that manuscript that could indict me in over eleven thousand felonies and I will set fire to it, proving my love to you forever."
Q: "Are you kidding me? I'm gonna read this fucking thing cover to cover. Obviously."
I have never been prouder of her. That's such a great response. But to no avail, since there's another hamfisted "accident" between the two of them -- still stuck side-by-side on this ski-lift in the middle of nowhere, I want you to imagine that aspect of this real hard -- and the pages all go fluttering down into the woods.
And we won't be returning to this situation, so I also want you to imagine how they got down. Did it start up again and take them to the Lodge, and they then skied down together? Did they say awkward goodbyes back at his cabin before driving home separately, or did they pause for a snack in Tunisia after all that running around and adrenaline? Did either of them think, "I should probably go snag those pages off the mountainside" and then just shrug, after thinking about what a hassle that would be? I mean the possibilities are endless.
MONTGOMERY
Mona is late to her movie date with Mikey, and not very forthcoming with details as to why, preferring to make much of the business of removing her scarf. The movie -- which he describes as a tale of a "creepy guy who makes creepy sculptures and acts creepy about it," which is a little too vague to be the Insidious sequel but I was hoping would be a reference we could talk about, but I don't recognize it -- is almost over, but Mikey is very thirsty so he lets it slide and goes for drinks.
Aria comes home looking exactly as busted as she's gotta feel, which is pretty great -- Sulky Grumpy Aria isn't that fun, but Fuck This Aria is the best -- and Mona just stares at her from the couch wondering what is wrong with her, and Aria doesn't even flip her the bird or call her a bitch or anything. Just glares through those knit brows like Mona is the cherry on her shit sundae, and heads upstairs to completely unravel and go down in flames. It is absolutely beautiful.
HASTINGS
Toby looks nice in his little denim outfit when Spencer gets home from the zoo, but things quickly get pretty bad in that kitchen anyway. Seems Veronica called him to talk about drugs, and Toby was like, "Isn't she with you?" and they realized her game pretty quick. And again, you can't be like, "Yes I'm on drugs! But that's not why I lied to you, I was at the zoo." Not even Kim Richards could sell that one.
Veronica says two interesting things, which is that she finally brings up the Lost Year where Spencer was in and out of reality and being a meth addict, that we didn't know about for sure until today. The other interesting thing is she says, "Your father and I can't cover for you again, with Radley on your résumé," which is very interesting for reasons you probably can figure out but we don't need to talk about: Just that she did some shit right around the time Alison died that... Probably don't make her look great. And she doesn't know about.
Spencer's in a tailspin of lies while the two people whose opinions most matter to her just kind of stare like she is a bug, and then -- out of irritation, but I think also to snap her out of it -- Veronica just points out that she missed not one but two lovely evenings, and Toby drops a jewelry box on the counter and slinks away. When she's alone, Spencer pops that thing open just to make everything worse, and it's actually a wonderful gift: A necklace of a Scrabble tile for "S." Man, what a knife-twist. She cries for a million years. It is possible that I also did something along those lines. Homegirl has not caught a break since her boyfriend came back from the dead! Not that Emily or Hanna have had it easy, at all, but damn.
Bringing us back to the Aristotelian unities, then, we have one more juxtaposition of our pretty little addicts: Spencer's screwed because of her drug addiction even though that's not how it shook out, she is not smart enough to escape being the smart one, while Aria's relief that Ezra isn't A is no relief at all: She stares holes in the ceiling for a while and then grabs his first gift -- the copy of Winesburg Ohio that he inscribed for her specifically about how she is the bestest and most grown-up person in all of Rosewood, note; the most special evidence of her whole life of being a special person -- and throws that shit against the wall.
A-TAG
At least somebody understands the value of Ezra Fitz's prose! Begloved and behoodied, A gathers up the pages of the manuscript one by one. Put that shit on eBay once he goes to jail, homie. More lasagna than a whole coffee shop could hold.
Or else Ezra is A -- I will not let that go until we absolutely know for sure -- and this is just him being Ezra. Or maybe he's not A but it's still Ezra and he just happens to be wearing gloves because it's cold. Or maybe this is just somebody very nice who is like, "That tiny man's hard work should not go to waste" and he'll find it in a fresh manila envelope tomorrow and realize that not all is lost. I mean, if he's telling the truth and he only works on the book when Aria dumps him, then the timing of this ski-lift trainwreck couldn't have been more fortuitous.
WEEK
Everybody watches Aria and Spencer circle the drain; Paige does something wildcard like in the old days.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, and a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.