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What happened? What didn't happen.
Emily moves into Ali's old room almost immediately, which gives her lots of chances to have uncomfortable and inappropriate conversations with a continually drunker-and-more-divorced Mrs. DiLaurentis (for example, at one point Jessica wishes that Alison had been gay for Emily, in this weird way she thinks is being super sweet) and eventually find the scariest thing: A living space in the basement where all those holes have been getting drilled and a hobo Redcoat has been staring up at them like The Hills Have Eyes!
Oh, and at another point Hanna is dicking around alone in Ali's room and Redcoat just hangs out in the room where she can't see her, which was also amazing and would otherwise have been the scariest thing. But not for Hanna, whose scariest thing is of course Ashley-related. Hanna asks Wren the wrong stuff about CeCe's history with Radley and Mona, so -- a member of the A-Team, or with Redcoat or whatever -- he gets Veronica all riled up enough to hit Radley and scream in Mona's face, which has the effect of pissing Mona off (or crazing her further, or has no effect, because she is magic and doesn't care about your stupid Muggle problems).
But then -- after Mona makes it clear that they are no longer in league together -- Wren calls in a tip that Veronica bullied Mona into making the confession to begin with, so now Veronica is off the case and Ashley has no lawyer. (And also, A plants her muddy Manolos in the destroyed Fields house, muddying the waters further.) This also makes Hanna yell at Spencer and Caleb in a sad and scary way. (She is also mad at Caleb for once again threatening to tell an adult about A, because the Liars are bullshit at fighting back against A, because quote "this enemy is everywhere and nowhere," which is my favorite thing on this entire show is when they say that.)
Speaking of sad and scary, guess how many children Ezra has? Zero. Maggie tries her best to sell this as a funny joke that she pretended Malcolm was Ezra's son, but Ezra goes so loco on her that she runs, and then Ezra just sits in the dark going more and more nuts as Aria ignores his calls so she can go on a pretty steamy date with Jake. Dark Ezra is pretty amazing, which is just one reason I hope his suffering continues for a good long while.
Besides making out with Jake, which I fully endorse, Aria also has a run-in with a pretty awesome ex-roommate of CeCe's -- at the apartment pointed to by either Tippi the Bird or Nigel's phone, I can never remember -- who confirms that yes, the reason CeCe got kicked out of college was in fact because of that party that time where Alison snapped a girl's neck and nobody remembered that or thought it was a big deal! That was like, all I wanted from this season, but now it's not even a Top 5 Moment this week, because that's how intense this episode was: So intense.
Spencer gamely accompanies Toby to revisit Dr. Crazypants Palmer, and brilliantly brings his memories of Marion back by playing that sheet music from last week -- but it's a much more interesting clue this produces, which is that Palmer has met with Jessica DiLaurentis before. Presuming, as anyone would, that Jessica has spent time in a mental institution, they grill her about it, but no: There's actually a flashback that is so fucking amazing that this is about.
So back when Jessica and Ali were being super abusive with each other -- i.e., one of any moment during her entire lifetime -- there was one time where Ali was playing the piano and Jessica came in screaming at her: Seems she'd gotten a call down to Radley, where her daughter was complaining of being suicidal and about to be put on watch. There was a lot of twin-talk about how Alison and "her" are always playing these games, and then Jessica started hollering about how CeCe Drake was out of Alison's life forever, because they were too obsessed with each other and it was toxic.
Hanna: "You mean like wearing each other's makeup and clothes and stuff?"
Jessica: "More like wearing each other's personalities."
Dear reader, I did a little dance for that one. Could not help myself. I lost control.
Week: A hoedown, of course.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
We're given to understand that it was CeCe Drake that nearly drowned Jenna Thing at Homeless Emily's birthday party, but I'm gonna need to see proof. Paige is getting desperate at the idea of leaving Emily behind, since it's fairly unlikely any of the Liars will survive the four days, let alone years. Aria finally noticed that Karate Jake is amazing, so of course cue Maggie running off to Seattle with Malcolm -- leaving lonely Ezra with sad pedo stars in his eyes. Pastor Ted insinuated himself into Ashley's legal issues in a dramatic (and possibly crazy) way; same deal with Mona, who confessed to Wilden's murder and somehow ended up back in her old room at Radley.
LIARS UNITE!
All four Liars in the same scene? Bejiggers! They're sneaking around school all alone wearing tremendous outfits and wondering if the fact that they all just cut the same class might be noticed, considering they always sit together.
Aria: "Just keep it down, I still wanna graduate."
Spencer, verbatim: "Newsflash! Honey. None of us are graduating."
Hanna: "Maybe we should work on finding out why CeCe drowned Jenna last week?"
Spencer: "We don't know for sure that happened. All we have is her getting drowned."
Emily: "And that bitch Shana lying about who did it. Or else telling the truth, but still is a bitch."
Emily gets a text and from her horrified gasp they all assume it's from A, but no: It's a drunk text from Jessica DiLaurentis, offering her somewhere to live. And that somewhere? Just Alison's old bedroom. Just your best friend's room that she got murdered, and then your first girlfriend who also got murdered. Good luck with that. You had me at Jessica DiLaurentis, come on.
Hanna: "Maybe this will help us find CeCe? Just kidding! I really just think it sounds amazingly fucked up and I am tired of being the crazy one this season."
Spencer: "I have been alerted to the blindness of my privilege with regard to Emily's poorness and now I am a champion for middle-middle-class lesbians. You cannot pressure her to go do this. I'd rather see her destitute!"
Hanna: "As creepy as Alison and Maya's death bedroom shrine is, I am more creeped out by the skanky motel Pam insists on staying in. It is the Rosewood of Rosewood, that place."
Spencer: "Why can't she come live in one of our parent-free houses? Like is always, always happening on this show?"
Hanna: "My mother is ashamed of her leg bracelet. She never developed coping skills that weren't alcohol, so now mostly she just crouches in the shower all day. I like to get real small, she says, So nobody can see me."
Spencer: "Okay but there's still my house and Aria's house, where teens live virtually unattended."
Hanna: "That's not the storyline, Spencer. Get lost, I gotta talk to Caleb. Speaking of a person who easily came to live with one of us in the past."
Spencer: "Do you need me to break into your classroom for you?"
Ezra: "No, I am too busy being locked out and acting all fucked up."
Caleb: "I am not having a huge amount of luck staking out that PO box we found. But I did sneak a cable bill off of the internet..."
Hanna: "So can we go to that physical address in Philly? Or wait until somebody else's storyline takes her there? Or else just brutally force Emily to do it like everybody else does and I am starting to get into?"
BISTRO
Aria has insisted on taking "action shots" of Jake doing martial arts, which he's sad about because she took too long coming up with them and he can't use it in his regional championships. Aria consciously decides to give a shit about all of this and come along... Especially when it turns out to be in Philly, where the clues live lately. I like that she's jumping into Lake Jake with both feet, but having seen what happens when she focuses in on a guy, I just hope his reflexes are good. You can't fight your way out of an obsessive relationship -- much less a murderous conspiracy -- with a paper bag over your head.
WREN! I MEAN, RADLEY!
Wren: "Mona, please use your pointy werewolf claws to look at this picture of a dad tossing a baby around outside a manger, and tell me what it says to you in your mind."
Mona: "Happy family being happy. Like a pretty butterfly."
Wren: "And how does that make you feel?"
Mona: "It makes me feel like you are stupid and this picture is awful."
Wren: "Right, you're Good Will Hunting. I can't trick your hyper-adrenaline super genius mind with dumb pictures. I guess it's the good old-fashioned talking cure, then."
Mona: "I blamed those girls for a lot of shit. But eventually I realized we're on the same side. I felt bad about being A, so I got rid of Wilden. And would do so again."
Wren: "I don't believe that you actually killed him."
(Spooky staring.)
Wren: "Fine, get your shit together and we'll try again when you're feeling honest."
Mona: "I do not trust you. You have secrets too, Doc. Also, I was reading your handwriting upside down and backwards from across the room, like lip reading but with magic genius powers."
Wren: "The only secret here is that you're not taking your meds. Later."
THE BREW
Toby's back, walkin' swag and ready for home -- but that sheet music from last week is sitting on the stairs, with an A note reading, "Leave the Lamb alone and go for the lion. Kisses, A." Which what does that mean? Eddie Lamb? In the context of the Radley piano maybe that starts to make sense? Luckily, Toby never met an expositional moment less than halfway, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Or Spencer will read the post-it and be like, "Clearly this is about some wasp nest outside of town I saw once five years ago, get your shit and let's go."
THE SHRINE
Emily: "Holy shit! I can't do this. I cannot do this. It is literally her room. It is a Matrix simulacrum of her room."
Spencer: "You know, a hundred years ago bereaved parents would pose their dead kids for lifelike photos. And little boys wore dresses, and everybody died very young! Think about that!"
Emily: "Bitch this ain't Ravenswood. You cut that shit out."
Spencer: "Well, I'm sure as hell not sticking around. Can Pam come over? Or Paige?"
Emily: "Pam's getting court martialed or whatever, and Paige and I are breaking slowly up."
Jessica: "BUT I AM HERE, GIRLFRIEND! HOPPED UP ON PILLS!"
She explains that the furnace is acting up so it's chilly -- what is it now, I think like November in their world based on the Halloween Train? -- and offers them some Nilla Wafers because she is regressing at the speed of light and will soon be trying to change Emily's diapers if she can catch her off-guard.
Jessica goes to the armoire to get hangers -- no wire ones! -- and of course it's full of dead Ali's clothes, which she should know because she put them in there. Recently. Like in the last week she took them back out of boxes and hung them on hangers. How does she not remember that? Emily and Spencer are like, "Cue shit show." But even scarier, Jessica zoooooooms right past it and pretends the clothes don't exist. Just like her daughter's problems: "It's like you never left! BYE!"
Spencer: "Well, I hate to say it but Emily Fields, you are fucked."
Emily: "I know! I thought it would like gradually ramp up to being totally insane, but this is like starting right at ten and then into the red is the only way left to go."
Spencer: "I wish I had anywhere else to be. I wonder if Toby's recently received any fascinating sheet music he can gnaw on while I watch."
MARIN
Caleb: "Eating carbs again?"
Hanna: "No, this lasagna is for Mom. She's locked in her room, only answering the phone when Veronica Hastings calls."
Caleb: "So let's take a train to Philly, then!"
Hanna: "Already outsourced to Aria, don't worry about it. Now, can you sneak me into Radley?"
Caleb: "Does this have to do with Mona?"
Hanna: "Why on Earth would you think that?"
Caleb: "Come on, Hanna. A drove a car all the way into Emily's house! Jenna ended up floating on the water like soggy bread (!). And now you're gonna go ring the Bell Jar?"
Hanna: "You are talking so awesome right now! But seriousl..."
Caleb: "Hanna, this sleeping with the enemy shit was fine two years ago, but..."
Hanna, verbatim: "Mona is not the enemy! Anymore."
Caleb: "We need to tell everybody that A is back and..."
This Show: "Not on my watch, bitch."
Hanna: "Mama needs her lasagna. Excuse me."
Anybody: "Why don't you idiots tell somebody?"
This Show, Invariably: "Because shut up, that's why."
Love it.
THE BREW
Hanna: "Hey stranger, like my outfit? It's the best one of the season."
Wren: "I absolutely do! You looked otherwise dicked around, though. How's it..."
Hanna: "-- So I need you to sneak me into Radley."
Wren: "I mean, legally I shouldn't be talking to you, much less Mona. Come on."
Hanna: "It's not even about her killing that cop for me! It's about CeCe Drake."
Wren: "THE FUCK YOU SAY? I mean, hmm? Wot's that, cheerio?"
Hanna: "Do you not remember the time you snuck CeCe into Radley? It comes up a lot and nobody ever explains why it's important."
Wren: "Actually, somebody tried to visit Mona last night, a blonde girl. Not you?"
Hanna: "Not me. I was too busy watching Jenna die. Are there like security cameras?"
Wren: "Fine, I'll see what I can do."
The second she's gone, he calls somebody and tells the person that A, We have a problem, and B, he is going to take care of his half if C, you take care of yours. Thoughts? I don't know. Given the chance to be in a secret alliance with Wren I would jump at the chance, and as we've just seen the Liars still aren't worried about it either. So who is it? The main bad guys are CeCe and the B-Team right now, so I guess one of them. Unless he answers to A or Redcoat (which could still be one of those three people).
TOBY
Spencer: "Clearly this is about leaving Eddie Lamb alone and going straight for Dr. Heavy-air. But what's with the sheet music itself?"
Toby: "It's tasty but other than that I have no idea... Wait, it was my mom's favorite song to play on the piano. On various pianos. Maybe there's a secret in the piano at Radley, or Dr. Palmer will know something about music or pianos. Come with?"
Spencer: "That sounds awful. I don't relish the idea of going to yet more insane asylums."
Toby: "I'm not sensitive to that! You're the only person that knows about all this!"
Spencer, verbatim: "And when does this end?"
Toby: "Never! Because if the Liars find out I am working with A then A will either kill everybody or stop working with me!"
Spencer: "That makes sense, actually. But still not as much sense as A using an imaginary mystery about your dumb mom to make you still be on the A-Team while pretending in your dumb mind that you are not on the A-Team."
Toby: "We. Our dumb mind."
DILAURENTIS
Somebody watches from outside as Emily lurks around, smiling at family photos and stuff, and then Jessica pops out of the shadows, demanding to make Emily food and for Emily to eat the food. She wipes a tear and then admits that she's getting a sudden divorce, based on the tear-stained paperwork she has been poring over. Emily's like, "Shit just keeps getting bleaker up in here."
FT ZGERALD
Ezra throws around the paternity test results and yells at Maggie and at first it seems, like always, that she is the rational one and he's the crazy bitchy entitled one, but then she finally picks up the envelope with a weird look on her face -- the lab is in Philly, I don't know if that matters but if not why did they show us a close-up of the address of the lab -- and he's like, "You KNEW I wasn't his father!"
Which would be amazing and hilarious and a satisfying ending to the storyline, but her look of shock is open-ended enough (plus the Philly thing) that I wonder. In case it's true though, in your FACE, Ezra Fitz. You deserve only imaginary babies, Ezra Fitz. And you wanna know why? It is because of your behavior. You have been consistently gross, this whole time, about the Malcolm situation. And now you are threatening not only Maggie's quality of life, but also Malcolm's, and most importantly, Karate Jake's. Because we all know Maggie won't even be out the door before he's fuckin' that up.
HANNA
Texts all the Liars that CeCe got snuck into Radley at some point, then spots Caleb acting shady in a wonderful outfit and not wanting to talk about why he lurking outside Veronica's office.
Hanna, perceptively: "You were about to go in there and tell Veronica Hastings about A?"
Caleb: "Yeah? Because she is a grownup, and because you have spent what is functionally seven seasons of this show not getting shit done w/r/t the A situation. I am tired of it, I am getting an ulcer, your life is only getting worse, and you are consistently distracted from your goals by other goals and being in constant danger."
He -- YES! -- draws a parallel to how if a punk accosted Hanna on the street, he would punch the punk... But this enemy, he says, "this enemy is everywhere and nowhere at the same time." Every time somebody on this show says that, I can feel my powers increasing. (But also, have we ever seen Mona's bellybutton? Or CeCe's? Maybe on Cape May that summer.)
Caleb: "I am getting freaked out by my inability to keep you safe. It makes me feel crazy."
Hanna: "Aw, imagine if it were actually your life."
I think mostly so he will stop crying, she kisses him; Wren stares at this from his car on the street and I mean, who knows. Who even knows how he fits in, at this point. But if there's one thing Dr. Wren Kingston and I agree on, it's that he should be kissing a lot more people, a lot more of the time.
HASTINGS
Veronica: "You tell those special victims to wait, Assistant Anyanka. I've got paperwork to fuck around with in my kitchen. And if any werewolves come around talking about magic ghost ninjas, you make sure not to take it seriously."
Wren: "...Hey, just lurking against a wall looking like one million dollars."
Veronica: "Right. What'd you need?"
Wren: "Got any daughters left for me to fuck? Just kidding. I want you to know that Mona Vanderwaal is untrustworthy..."
Veronica: "Do you also not understand the role of a defense attorney? What is with the dummies in this town? I don't care why that little nutcase helped my case. That is her lawyer's problem."
Wren: "No, I get that. It's that this particular nutcase can run circles around all of us. She's gonna fuck you on this somehow, okay? If you think back to the first three seasons of this show, you will realize I am being sincere. She has a magical brain, Veronica. She is coming for you, for Ashley, for everybody. For fuckin' everybody."
Veronica: "Somehow, I am still going to be insult... Got it. You are betraying her confidentiality by telling me this. I could have your license!"
Wren: "Look, I'm just worried. You were going to be my mother once, Veronica."
Veronica: "Yeah. And then you'd probably have hung yourself in a bell tower too. Get out. And also thanks."
FT ZGERALD
You would think it would be a simple enough thing to make Maggie feel bad about lying for seven years about the father of her child -- "we were on a break!" is her only alibi, followed up with, "but it would be cool if you were because you're rich!" -- but somehow Ezra fucks it up. He breaks into tears and then names a hipster litany of things that would only be cried about by someone too young to actually parent: "I took him to a movie once! I intended to take him to a baseball game! We have an inside joke! I know the names of every stuffed animal! EVERY STUFFED ANIMAL, LIZ LEMON!"
What a couple of douches. No wonder Malcolm has such a tough fuckin' time. I'd rather get kidnapped and go to the carnival too.
PHILLY
Aria: "I don't know how I'm going to manage my schedule! Solving this murder and standing around looking bored at a martial art?"
Hanna: "I think he'd probably notice more if it had anything whatsoever to do with you."
Aria: "That's a ridiculous statement. Anyway, tell Emily sorry her life is 100 percent creeper bullshit now."
She accosts a surly young lady who is moving shit out of the Nigel's-phone-related building in question, who is definitely looking for CeCe Drake also. For a beat down! Love this girl already. Just don't bring a knife to a mannequin-leg fight and you'll be okay.
DILAURENTIS
Jessica: "I guess I'm drunk enough to talk to you like an inappropriate adult. I guess early afternoon is an okay time for that."
Emily: "Go for it. You were giving me intimate details of your divorce I don't care about?"
Jessica: "We grieved differently. I got drunk and abusive with other teenage girls, while my husband mostly just resented the shit out of Hanna for no real reason. Then I started hallucinating Alison..."
Emily: "Let's drill down on that one. It's more common than you think."
Jessica: "I was jogging in the park, and there she was. And I mean, it was her. Everywhere, from her walk, to her hair, to the mask she was wearing of her own face over her face."
Emily: "So was it her?"
Jessica: "Yeah, ya dumb bitch! Didn't you hear?"
Emily: "Sorry, I was just caught up in your weird boring story."
Jessica: "It wasn't even a person. It was just a wisp of wind and a curl of flax. They pumped my stomach later that day."
Emily: "And that's why you're getting divorced?"
Jessica: "No, we're obviously getting divorced because I turned your bedroom into a shrine to our horrible dead daughter. Wouldn't you ditch me over that?"
Emily: "Me? Break up with someone over their delusional, scary behavior? I'm so sure."
Emily: "I'm kind of going through the same thing. I'm in the middle of a very slow breakup as we become different people, and it's gut wrenching to watch."
Jessica: "Sounds tough! What's his take?"
Emily: "Wow, you have been out of town for a while. He's a lady. I turned into a lesbian after your daughter died."
Jessica: "That's pretty awesome, Emily. I wish Alison felt comfortable talking to me about this kind of shit, before she was murdered."
Emily: "My gayness is like basic, compared to all the shit she had going on. Also, it is not appropriate for us to be talking like this. But I appreciate your support. And listen, you're not the only one seeing Alison. I am the only person I know that actually thinks she's dead, and even I have seen her."
Jessica: "Yeah, because you were like totally in love with her. It goes me, you, and then nobody. Because she was absolutely horrible and we are the only people that liked her."
Emily: "You know, I simply don't feel weird enough yet."
Jessica: "Then can I say, I wish that Alison had been gay for you. You would make a lovely daughter-in-law, considering my only other child is a bastard and nobody knows where he is."
Emily: "Again, that is awfully sweet. In a certain way. Um, is there alcohol in this?"
Jessica: "What kind of pretend mother do you think I am? But why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house."
Emily: "You are the only person on this show equipped to fully appreciate Drunk Emily, but I think no. I need to save my wits for processing all the shit you just pulled on me."
PHILLY
Hot Angry Girl: "When CeCe dropped out of UPenn and moved to LA, she stuck me with the rent."
Aria: "Wait, dropped out? Or got kicked out."
Angry: "How do you know about all that? I thought you weren't 'girls' with CeCe. Are you telling me that you were more girls with her than the amount of girls you let on previously?"
Aria: "I wish I had worn bigger earrings for this conversation. No, I was not really girls with her but I was girls with Alison who was girls with CeCe. By the transitive property of girls being girls with girls, that entitles me to knowledge of her college transcript."
Angry: "Fucking A, you're girls with Alison? Then you should know that your girl stopped being girls with that girl when she girled her out of college."
Aria: "Right! I forgot that part. CeCe said that Alison got her kicked out. Not by snapping that girl's neck that time, but some similar Ali mayhem..."
But then everything becomes amazing because it was! It was!
Angry: "NO! [YES!] It WAS that party. And you were THERE, come to think of it. One of those four bitches that followed Ali everywhere, and were integral to the neck-snapping."
Aria: "She spoke about us? How flattering! Integral, you say. Isn't that something. Guess it's not a party 'til Montgomery walks in."
DILAURENTIS
Hanna wanders around looking for Emily and Jessica, as requested by Aria, and unbeknownst to her is followed upstairs to the Shrine by none other than REDCOAT. Strange noises and bumps being no big deal to Hanna by this point, she is able to ignore it as Redcoat walks into seemingly every surface and piece of furniture on the entire ground floor.
Suddenly she is struck by an intuition, and opens Ali's music box to fuck with her jewelry and listen to the creepy song. Are we about to have a flashback? Nope, just standing around feeling weird while Redcoat fully stands in the room behind her! And then walks out! And then Hanna's like, "I was going to work on focusing and not getting distracted by shiny objects but then I got distracted by a... Hey, it's happening again!"
And then Redcoat -- like a mysterious potted plant, thrown by God, who is everywhere and nowhere at once -- passes out of the room again, unnoticed by any but us. Shivvvver.
DR PALMER
Toby: "Dr. Palmer? Are you crazy today or just cryptic?"
Palmer: "Guess we'll find out. Nice to see you, Toby."
Toby: "Can we talk some more about my dead mom?"
Palmer: "I am literally the only person who would say yes to that. Show me your gnawed-on sheet music, please. Aha! But I don't play piano, sorry."
Toby: "So you're just remembering that song from being old?"
Palmer: "Plus nuts."
RADLEY
Mona: "Mrs. Hastings! What a middle-of-the-night surprise! How did you get in here?"
Veronica: "Don't worry about it."
Mona: "Oh, you probably made friends with the desk staff when your daughter was here. In this insane asylum. Wrecking your family's legacy and shaming you almost to death."
Veronica: "Two things, bitch. Number one, I don't fuck around and I don't play games, so get it together. Number two, you and I both know I didn't visit her ass in here. I am not that kind of mother."
Mona: "Game recognize game, Big V."
WHEN A EZRA CALLS
Ezra's chilling in the dark having a panic attack and hilarious meltdown about his imaginary baby, so of course he's gonna call Aria. But she's right outside the Regional Tang Soo Do Championships, so will she take the call? Place your bets.
Jake: "I'm about to fight! In my little outfit!"
Aria: "Cool, I just have to take this phone call real quick. But don't worry, I am committed to pretending to give a shit about this."
Jake: "But if you wer... I mean, why even come if you... Okay, whatever."
Then she hangs up! She hangs up! Holy shit!
And Ezra stares into a glass darkly in his apartment and slowly goes insane. Can I tell you just how much I love that the thing apparently pushing him over the edge is that one person in the entire world finally told him No? He begins making little cuts on the skin of his back, speaking out the names of each of Malcolm's stuffed animals one by one, in the dark. "Flopsy." "Dora the Explorer." "Virginia the Wolf." "Brobee."
"Captain Oats."
RADLEY
Mona: (No response.)
Veronica: "Anyway, let's keep it deece. Everybody basically hates you, yeah?"
Mona: (No response.)
Veronica: "I scare the shit out of people too. So let's be clear that you are not going to be fucking with my daughter, her friends, or -- and take note -- their moms. Got me?"
Mona: "Look. The only person fucking with your Liars was Wilden. Who is dead."
Veronica: "Fine. We're done here. But if you screw up my case, I will put you under the jail. Your hair will turn gray and fall out wherever you end up, because I will not rest until you are screwed to the wall. Good day."
The skree-skraw sound from Orphan Black, essentially, starts playing at this point.
Mona: "Yes, that was absolutely the correct way to deal with me. Good job, counselor."
PALMER
Toby: "Seriously, like tell me one thing. Marion Cavanaugh? Music?"
Palmer: "I would love to talk about music! Opera, I love opera..."
Toby: "I don't give a shit that you are lonely in here and desperate to talk to someone. Focus or GTFO."
Spencer, brilliantly, sits down and starts playing the song, because let's cut through the bullshit already. I love that we confirmed her piano skills back at Radley, and that all mental institutions have pianos in the great room, just in case of sudden Awakenings-type moments like this. Which Toby and Palmer now have, throats bobbing in the twilight.
Palmer: "Ah, Marion. That's lovely! Is Toby coming today?"
Spencer: "Shit. Um, no. No he is not."
Palmer: "He'd love to hear you play!"
Spencer: "He's heard me before..."
Palmer: "He'd like to know you are enjoying music again. He needs to see that."
Spencer: "Okay, this is getting weird. Let's quit with the whole 'I am my boyfriend's dead mother' deal -- for everybody's sake -- and get back to the clues. I just love clues!"
Palmer: "Okay, the blonde girl. I told you to stay away from her..."
And that's when they wheel his ass away! Amazing. She Spencers up his ass about was it CeCe Drake, and he offers just one more CRAZY clue: "Our session's up, see you week. And could you show Mrs. DiLaurentis into my office, please?" That is AWESOME! Even Spencer has to hide her look of glee behind one of WTF, but you and I both know that means more to her, the Lord High Connector Of Imaginary Dots, than it even does to us.
DEBRIEF
Spencer: "He said DiLaurentis, I'm positive about this."
Emily: "How can you be? You said Toby visited him, not you!"
Spencer: "Oh right, I keep forgetting that because it is stupid."
Hanna: "And why was Toby in an old-folks' home?"
Spencer: "I don't know. Either Tippi the Bird or Nigel the Hottie, I forget."
Emily: "Wait, are we going to just ask Jessica about her time in an asylum? On a day she received her divorce papers? She's practically my mother-in-law, you dicks! Fields OUT!"
They go downstairs, mystified -- Hanna most of all -- as to why we should give one single shit about Jessica DiLaurentis's crazy bitch feelings.
Jessica: "Emily, is that you?"
Hanna: "No, it's Spencer and Hanna. Emily is at work."
Jessica: "Stay for dinner? Stay for a sleepover? Stay FOREVER?"
Hanna: "That is not fucking happening."
Jessica: "I know it's cold! But the furnace is..."
Spencer: "You keep bringing that up and it's so sad, but also makes me think that you are likely going to be blown up in this episode."
Jessica: "Okay, later!"
Spencer: "...Mrs. DiLaurentis, do you know a Dr. Palmer? A psychiatrist? From Radley?"
Jessica: "Did he treat you while you were there?"
Spencer: "Uh no, actually I was wondering if he was ever your doctor?"
Jessica: "You shut the fuck up."
Spencer: "He mentioned you, is all."
Jessica: "Okay. He wasn't my doctor, if it's the guy I'm thinking of."
Hanna: "So he was Ali's? As in the Halloween story of the twins?"
Jessica: "This is gonna take all night, let's just do a..."
FLASHBACK
Jessica came home pissed as hell! And even though she could hear Alison practicing on the piano, she was still all like, "WHERE ARE YOU!" Ali smarted off, like she do, and Jessica SMASHED the piano cover down, narrowly missing her tiny fingers.
Jessica: "That was so fucked up! The two of you are insane!"
Alison: "Why what on Earth, Mother."
Jessica: "I get a call my daughter's on suicide watch, run a million red lights, terrified something's happened, and when I get there who is it, dressed head to toe in your clothes?"
Alison: "Uh, Courtney?"
Jessica: "Don't you joke around about that. She doesn't exist on this show. No, it was fuckin' CeCe Drake."
Alison: "That is amazing. That bitch is so fucking crazy. I can't believe she actually did it."
Jessica: "Hope you enjoy it, because you are never seeing that girl again. Even the doctor agrees, your friendship is toxic."
Alison: "So are a lot of things."
Jessica: "Well, she's not comin' back in this house unless she drills holes in the floor and climbs up in the middle of the night wearing a voluminous red cape and a mask of your face."
And you know Alison just went right back to playing the piano, creepy as you please.
BACKFLASH
Jessica: "I mean, that shit was cray. They were obsessed with each other."
Hanna: "Like Mona Vanderwaal obsessed? Or just like, wearing each other's makeup and clothes and stuff."
Jessica, verbatim: "More like wearing each other's personalities."
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just literally threw my arms up in the air and made that noise. Yessssssssss.
I have never been more thrilled in my life. I am so glad I'm recapping it live this week, you guys. Sometimes you write it, sometimes you live. But sometimes, you fire all of your guns and explode into space. I have tears in my eyes, like if you saw a beautiful sunset.
HASTINGS
Caleb: "Wow, that is amazing!"
Spencer: "I know, right? This season is fucking bringing it. Plus it reminds me of that time Alison had those masks made of her face so her 'friends' would look more like her."
Hanna: "I thought he meant us. Or some kind of Genesis P-Orridge situation."
Spencer: "It was! But the situation was with CeCe!"
Liars: "This is not going to sit well with Aria."
Veronica: "Hey everybody. Hanna, have you checked on your mom? Because somebody (named Mona or maybe Wren) anonymously accused me of obstruction of justice for bullying Mona into confessing, so I have to recuse myself and now your mother has no lawyer."
Hanna: "That sucks!"
Veronica: "Yep. Please don't ask me what else I did today. You might think the two things are connected. Which they plainly are."
AFTER REGIONALS
Dreamy date music plays while Aria and Jake chat about how lame everything is and eat late-night burritos.
Jake: "I kind of wanted our date to be more awesome. Like go out for steak or..."
Aria: "Yeah I don't eat meat."
Jake chokes on her self-righteousness, and as usual lately she is adorable: "Salsa a little too spicy for ya, sport?" The music starts getting all echo-y and weird and you think he's been poisoned, but I think that's just the song: He was punched in the jaw, and she starts flirty making fun of him about his pain. They are adorable together and ever so sweet, and he's so beautiful by the Main Street lights, and they kiss and kiss and kiss. Yay! Yay for kissing. And for nobody getting poisoned yet!
DILAURENTIS
Emily: "Back from work. Whatcha knitting, Mrs. D?"
Jessica: "It was going to be a scarf for my husband, but now I guess it's just a tight sweater for me to squeeze into. And hey, call me Jessica."
Furnace Man: "I replaced your circuit breaker, and now your house will be warm and more like a home. Also, you have a bigger problem I noticed."
They stare at him and each other and everybody stares.
ASHLEY STUFF
Hanna: "I mean, won't this blow over?"
Veronica: "Probably, but this is instant mistrial if I stay on or come back on."
Hanna flips the shit out on Spencer about how this was clearly A, and it's kind of scary and she won't talk to Caleb either.
And over at Radley, talking scarily about how you can't trust anybody -- even your erstwhile future mother-in-law -- Wren Kingston colors in the farm picture from earlier, and he makes the lady's coat red red red.
DILAURENTIS
Jessica and Emily head down into Talk Normal's cover of "In Every Dream Home A Heartache" -- because this episode didn't have enough awesome shit in already, so here's some Roxy Music on top -- and Emily spots in the dark... a giant stuffed-animal dog! (What's its name, Ezra?)
Jessica: "Pull it together, Fields. He was talking about this creepy living space over here in the corner where somebody has been making their temporary home."
Emily: "I don't say this often enough, really, but should we call the cops?"
Jessica: "Nah, fuck it. They probably lived here during the Jason era, after each of your girlfriends was brutally murdered one after the other here in this very house."
Emily: "How about I manage the cleanup, though? Because of clues."
Jessica: "Whatever. I'm gonna heat up some ... wait for it ... lasagna."
(And so it begins.)
For psychic reasons, Emily turns off the lights and sees the six creeper holes drilled into the ceiling, and Jessica walking super loud over the holes one by one, because whoever is living down there has been staring up through the floor at them because Oh My God.
A-TAG
Jason did not, I think, keep a clean work site. Toby could have helped him with that, you'd think. But no, it's just insulation and broken wainscoting and dust all over. Oh, Jason. You and your reefer. Oh wait, it's actually probably the destroyed Fields house, because in the mess there is prominently a broken picture of Emily, and another one of her dad in fatigues, and then A picks up the broken picture of Emily from the wreckage and throws it back down, following it with Ashley's muddy shoes she obviously saved from the trash. So I guess now we're framing Mr. Fields for ... wearing lady shoes? That seems incorrect.
What even happened? I don't know. I am still shooting my guns in the air like Yosemite Sam, doing my little dance.
WEEK
One episode until the Big Summer #WorldWarA finale, which features clowns, sorcery, Ravenswood, and the biggest game changers of the entire show, or so we're told. So what happens week? A hoedown, apparently. Spencer finally tells Toby where he can cram his stupid mom, everybody line-dances, and somebody starts stabbing at them through the holes in the floor/ceiling. This is all so excellent. Just so great right now.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.