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Paige gets a little pushy, like she sometimes does, sending Emily to an Olympic trainer without informing him of her injury, while setting up a surprise birthday party at her lake house. The trainer tells Em she probably won't be going to college any time soon, and then at the party Emily and Paige (this part was horribly sad!) realize that there's probably no way they're not breaking up at some point this summer, since every lesbian plan they make is apparently doomed to failure. I hope that they don't! Maybe somebody will run over Paige's rotator cuff too -- it will slow her down being so pushy all the time, but more importantly they can be back in total love. Because this "Emily pretending to be asleep for their romantic lakehouse overnight" is some BS.
After overhearing Shana talking about a mysterious "her" and vowing to protect Jenna -- whose sight is quickly failing again -- the Liars decide to force them to attend the party as well. (Mainly so Aria can make vicious blind-people jokes and Spencer can yell at her in a startling way.) Things go from not so great to pretty awful for Jenna early in the evening, when -- while left unattended -- she gets herself konked over the head and dropped in a lake. (The show puts forward the subtle theory that this is either Paige's or Jake's doing, but frankly I like the official story -- CeCe -- best.)
Jenna's still unconscious by episode's end, but Shana's upset enough about her sometimes-girlfriend's sundry medical problems that she gives Spencer some exciting info: One, Alison's dead as far as the B-Team knows, and Two, the person they're all afraid of (Redcoat?) is one CeCe Drake, implying Three: She bashed Jenna's head in with a mannequin leg, her known weapon of choice against snakes and serpents. I just think that whether CeCe is Redcoat or not, she can go ahead and be a villain any time she feels like it. Shit worked out fine for ol' Mona.
Whose amazing gambit last week yields some pretty great Mona-type action, with the result that Ashley's bail is finally set -- at one million dollars! -- and Mona somehow ends up back in her old room at Radley. Hanna, discovered by Pastor Ted demanding the hundred grand from her dad -- screaming into a phone in a public park like a lunatic, which let's face it is just how Hanna lives her life now -- is overjoyed when Ashley comes home to await her trial. Welcome home, Ashley! Does her ankle bracelet monitor for chardonnay? Sadly, yes. Whole other kind of prison now, baby.
Even sadder, silver-foxy-as-ever Pastor Ted makes no bones about having put up the money, which means Ashley is right back in the lasagna box as far as owing dudes for shit. I hate to see Pastor Ted turning creepy, but I suppose until it happens it hasn't happened yet, and I also suppose that this is Rosewood, PA and I was merely living in a fantasy that he wouldn't eventually do that. Meanwhile, Hanna just holds the whole thing against her dad, because she thinks money grows on trees and that those trees are guarded by his new family of money-tree-guarding bitches.
In That Other Show news, Maggie has to deal with a hundred pouty pissy faces from Ezra about moving to Seattle with Malcolm, drawing us into a custody battle not even Veronica Hastings finds less than totally annoying. And Aria spends the whole party jerking Karate Jake around like some kind of sicko until her mindgames have him totally desirous, and so I guess now they're dating. (That Other Show was pretty great this week, to be honest.)
We're stacking A-Tags now, so we see Redcoat breaking into the bottom floor of somebody's house -- maybe the same location as the floor-holes one from last week -- while A shimself is sending Toby sheet music and pouring wine on a piano. Normally Redcoat and A trade off on which one is the totally weird one, so it was kind of nice that they were both doing strange unexplained shit this time.
#WorldWarA is the finale hashtag, which is a thrill but still weeks away. week's episode involves Emily moving into Alison's old room (and hopefully getting possessed by her ghost and running around in that blonde wig like I always imagined Maya and then Jason used to do); Ashley's fate once again flips on Hanna (and vice versa); Ezra keeps whining about his horrible kid (while Aria learns about dating guys for the first time ever); and the whole Toby thing with the mom gets crazy once Dr. Heavy-Air comes back into the picture.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Emily, that torn rotator cuff is just ruining her life; it's real-life awful which can be worse than this-show awful, especially if it makes Emily sad, because Emily rules. Jenna's eyesight is going downhill again, but Shana will be there for her through thick and thin, because Shana only likes the truly crazy ladies. None of this Alison DiLaurentis shit for her, no sir: It's Paige and Jenna, all the way. Oh, and Spencer discovered a file on Wilden's relationship to the Great Marion Cavanaugh Mystery, literally nobody cared, Spencer barely cared, and in other news nobody cares about Aria and Ezra and blah blah blah Karate Jake.
And then there's Ashley, who is in jail for a murder she didn't commit, which is very sad because it takes her away from her two great loves, wine and her daughter. (Less sad, apparently, is that it took her away from her wonderful boyfriend Pastor Ted and his many baked goods, who I like about a billion times more than either Ashley or her daughter, I think because they are both secretly still pining for Mr. Marin to come back and forget his horrible other family. Or maybe it's because he gave a drunk werewolf a job, and then forgave him for stealing a bell and leaving town.) Luckily, Mona has turned herself in for the murder, because she is a supergenius and probably decided it would be easier to save (or kill) everybody from inside prison or something.
MONAAAAAA
Gets interrogated. It's neat because she's acting inside of acting, so it comes off fake, but it's for us: We know this is her gift. The only reason the detective doesn't believe her is because her confession isn't matching the evidence exactly, but we won't know that until later, and anyway who knows: It could be that A changed it around so the Liars and/or Mona wouldn't necessarily know the whole story, but I think what's going on is, it's one of those Agatha Christie fakeouts where multiple people dunnit so nobody's story matches up. I can't remember how many bullets were... Found it.
".38-caliber revolver with six chambers, but only four bullets in there." So we know that the gun only fired two bullets. He may have been shot with three, but they found the gun and tested the gun -- they used ballistics testing, if you'll recall -- and there were four bullets in it. So something is hinky. We need Roma Maffia, I think that's what.
Mona: "I told you, he grabbed me, he was gonna kill me, I fought back."
Cop: "And you pulled out a gun and shot him three times..."
Mona, verbatim: "No. For the fifth time, I shot him twice."
Or else maybe this is Mona's trick secret: That she knows he was shot three times, but can claim two and that way everybody gets out? She doesn't need to get arrested, just cast doubt on Ashley's arrest. And given the gun evidence, she's not outright lying. Is that right?
Mona's story is that on the Halloween Train, she heard the Queen of Hearts talking about how Garrett was going to tell the truth about what happened the night Alison died, which we know is true because that was on the tape. But why didn't she go to the cops then, considering they ended up killing him and putting him in a box with Aria?
Mona: "Well, I'd snuck out of Radley that night..."
Cop: "You snuck out of a mental institution?"
Mona: "Many times."
You kind of want her to be like, "Psh, yeah bitch," but her calmness and level gaze is much better: Like, What are you gonna do, arrest me for Aggravated Going Somewhere On A Train?
"Wilden was obsessed with trying to pin Alison's murder on my friends. I tried to blackmail him, but it didn't work. Once he realized I knew he killed Garrett, he became enraged. And he wouldn't let go. He left me with no choice. I had to kill him."
And why confess now? Obviously because she is obsessed with Hanna, duh. She doesn't even have to explain that part, just that it sucks that somebody -- "my best friend's mother" -- would go down for something she didn't do. He takes off and you wait and you wait for her sad scared worried teenager face to go away and the supergenius electric face of One Cool Customer to come back... There she is! There's Mona Vanderwaal, when nobody's looking.
HASTINGS
Hanna and Spencer wake up downstairs in the pile of Beckett's boxes, looking hung over.
Veronica: "Just tell me one thing. Did you put Mona up to this?"
Liars: "That is hilarious that you would think that. Also, why didn't we think of that."
Veronica: "Because it's not really helping. It is only kind of helping. Like, some of the things she said contradict the evidence. But if you guys are involved in this, it will really screw Ashley."
Spencer: "FYI, that bitch is crazy. I know she is doing this to fuck us, somehow."
Hanna: "Or else she just really did kill him, that would also be characteristic. Mostly I'm glad to find out that Ben is Glory and I didn't actually murder him like was brainwashed into me."
Spencer: "Hanna? Please look me in the eye and fucking tell me you had nothing to do with this."
Hanna: "...Define your terms."
SUP JAKE
Aria, still being awesome and hilarious like all season, watches Karate Jake put his perfect bod in some clothes through the front porch windows, while she tries to concentrate on any of this. It is a heroic effort.
Aria: "Wait, Hanna was planning on what? First of all, why is she like this. And secondly, why didn't she tell us thuuuuuhhhhh..."
Spencer: "[Hollering, presumably.]"
Aria: "No, I'm with ya. I'm totally paying attehhhhhh..."
Spencer: "WTF?"
Aria: "Look, I gotta say goodbye to Jake. He slept here last night."
Spencer: "NICE."
Aria: "No, he slept on the couch. I am still dicking around with his head, don't worry."
Spencer: "Whatever, creepy. Just shift ya ass."
Jake: "Was that about Mona?"
Aria: "You're a lot easier to understand when you're clothed. Uh, no. I gotta go meet Spencer about something unrelated to Mona, which that conversation wasn't about."
Jake: "Everything you say sounds like a lie. And you're so pretty and little!"
Aria: "I don't want to confide in you about this stuff, because I don't want anything to happen to your face."
Jake: "Can I get you breakfast at the Grille? To celebrate how you are sucking out my brain without even trying?"
Aria: "Spencer, I just said I have to..."
Jake: "Can I buy you coffee at the Brew?"
Aria: "Man, you don't quit. Personal boundaries are just like, a concept to you. Fine."
SPEAKING OF PAIGE
Paige: "Mona totally killed him, I just know it. She is the worst. Remember when she ran over Hanna?"
Emily: "I do. You weren't even on the show back then. Mostly I just want to know how it's gonna screw me and from what direction."
Paige: "God, stop talking about Mona. Let's talk about your birthday, which I have planned for you since you're homeless and also I got you an appointment with an Olympic swimming coach."
Emily: "If a guy on this show did all this crap without asking it would be kind of offensive."
Paige: "I am growing more and more sure that you are not coming to Stanford, and growing more desperate to make that happen, because I love you and long distance doesn't work."
Emily: "Ah, so it's not about controlling me, it's about you holding onto your girlfriend. That is oddly a lot sweeter than if you were doing it for my benefit."
Damned if I can figure out how, but it really is. In that context, a lot of this early stuff is a lot easier to take. Sometimes when Paige redecorates your house like a fishbowl it's like, Paige calm down. But this whole "I have removed every obstacle between us, which only coincidentally means constructing your life around you" thing is pretty romantic, somehow.
So, the new plan then: Screw all these crummy state schools and just take a year off. Train up, get back on target, grab year's scholarship, and it's just puffy drapes from there on out.
THE BREW
Ezra and Maggie are having a convo in that little niche where the girls like to sit, so he can see Jake and Aria when they come in, and the most beautiful thing is that Aria never even sees him. (I have words on the subject of situational awareness here, Aria -- you gotta know your milieu, scan the room, scan the ceiling for God's sake, there could be a burlap babyface up there waiting to fall on you -- but considering her superspy act at the birthday party later I would call this a minor infraction.)
It's mostly beautiful because her obliviousness makes it like Ezra's this old man babydaddy in the corner "watching Aria blossom into normal relationships with boys and regretting it but also realizing he has to let her go kind of thing" like pedos do in movies. Also because he hates Maggie for even existing right now, and talking, while he's trying his hardest to be a total poem in this coffee shop.
Jake: "Are you gonna call my hot ass to come babysit you again tonight? Which would be fine."
Aria: "No, dad's coming home and we're having family movie night. What a weird lie to just randomly say."
Maggie: "So I got into grad school..."
Ezra: "Awesome."
Maggie: "Yeah it's better than some schools but not as good as other schools."
Ezra: "That's so great."
Maggie: "But they're paying me a stipend and whatever..."
Ezra: "This is really interesting."
(Awkward hug! Ezra bites a knuckle. Aria leaves, the spell dissipates.)
Maggie: "I mean, University of Washington is in the Top Ten..."
Ezra: "Sorry, did you say University of Washington? Because I was not aware there was a fucking University of Washington of Pennsylvania, here in the Rape Triangle."
Maggie: "Actually, if you add Ravenswood it's like a Rape Pentagon now, but either way no, it's the one in Seattle."
Ezra: "You're kidnapping my child?"
Maggie: "I prefer to think of it as living my life. You know, the thing I've been doing for my entire life until like the last five minutes? Which has been fun, but come on."
Ezra: "See this pouty face? This face says I'll be goddamned if you take my son across the country, to Seattle where no airplanes go."
Maggie: "You change jobs every three seconds depending on what mood Byron Montgomery's in, I don't see what makes your career so much more important."
Ezra: "It's more important, Maggie, because it's mine."
Maggie: "There's that Fitzgerald entitlement I didn't fucking miss at all."
Ezra: "I can't lose my little girl and my little boy! Not so close together!"
JAIL
Hanna: "I guess she was helping? Who knows what the hell Mona's doing? Eighteen things. Whatever reason she did this, there are seventeen we don't know about yet."
Ashley: "She couldn't send me little soaps and cute underwear? I'm so sure you'd volunteer to spend your life in prison. Nutcase. I never liked that girl."
Hanna: "Really? I think it'd actually be a touching gesture of love, if somebody were to..."
Ashley: "No, honey. It's something only a very sick, very crazy bitch would do. Like stealing the murder weapon and burying it in the yard of a sorority house, or pushing a murdered cop's car into a lake."
Veronica: "Well, the good news is that she created enough doubt that you're not getting moved, and even eligible for bail."
Hanna: "So they dropped the charges?"
Veronica: "Uh, no? Are you kidding me? What is with this girl?"
Ashley: "I know. She's been acting real dumb lately. I think we broke her."
Veronica: "Whatever. Until they can corroborate Mona's confession, at which point she goes to jail, the trial is moving forward."
Ashley: "Cool, what's the bad news then? Say it in a really breezy tone like it's no big deal, no matter the amount."
Veronica: "Done. As a cop killa, your bail is set at a mere one million dollars."
Ashley: "That is a lot of fucking pasta, my friend."
THAT MAN, THE SWIMMING MAN
Emily: "This place is great! It's like swimming jail!"
Man: "Yes, we put people and their bodies through hell until all they are is swimming. You know how stupid fucking Ryan Lochte is so clearly vacant inside himself that it makes him kind of hard to look at directly? I did that. We have a special laser that actually removes your soul, so you can cram even more swimming into yourself until all you are is swimming and then oh, you just swim and swim."
Some success stories walk by in swimsuits, and this is their conversation:
Chick: "Swimming? Swimming. Swim."
Chick: "Swimming, swim! Swim-swam-swimmo."
Man: "So you're taking a year off to train?"
Emily: "Just tell me how wonderfully horrible it's all going to be."
Man: "Well, you get an apple every day at 5 AM and that provides you with energy for the day. Then you pray to Swimming, on your knees, for an hour. Then a bell rings, and there's no talking all day, until Vespers. Just swimming. And then basically you swim. While you do this, I yell at you. Call you the most terrible, vicious names. Then at 7 PM you get an hour off swimming so you can do weight training, then it's right back in the pool. Oh, you sleep in the pool. You sleep as long as you can hold your breath. And the morning apples are tossed into the pool and there are never quite enough, so you have to fight over them. Did I mention that part?"
She's like, "This shit is my Green Gables. I have never been this happy in my entire life."
SOME RANDOM PARK
Hanna will just be having a screaming fit right out here in public near this park bench, if you don't mind.
Hanna: "TEN PERCENT OF A MILLION IS FUCKING A HUNDRED THOU, DADDY. I KNOW YOU HAVE IT... BECAUSE I KNOW YOU GODDAMN HAVE IT, DON'T YOU FUCKING QUESTION ME. YOU TELL THAT WHORE WIFE OF YOURS TO GIVE IT UP, BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE. YOU LIKE YOUR KNEECAPS, DADDY? HATE FOR ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THEM. DON'T YOU CRY. DON'T YOU CRY TO ME, DADDY. YOU JUST TRY HARDER, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. AND DON'T FUCKING CALL ME AGAIN UNTIL YOU'VE GOT CASH IN HAND."
Pastor Ted: "Just taking my silver fox ass on a jog, that's all. Oh hey, Hanna. I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of that. Or see your mascara running down your face like a loon. How's it, um, how's it going? Do you need counseling at this time?"
Hanna: "Nah. Just givin' him the hard-sell, you know. How you doin'? You old so-and-so. Sorry it didn't work out with Uncle Dad, but you know. You can't save 'em all."
Pastor Ted: "I was kind of thinking you'd call me back one of these days. I've been desperately worried about your mother, which whom I am deeply in love if you remember."
Hanna: "Yeah, I never really cared much about that one way or the other. Listen, though, can I be honest? This shit is bullshit. She's acting like she's not terrified and she doesn't even mind being in jail, and that makes me feel CRAZY, Pastor Ted. CRAZY."
Pastor Ted: "I dunno. Like, Jesus or something? Have faith that it'll work out?"
Hanna: "Fuck you, and fuck your useless God. All I need's a hundred grand. PEACE OUT, PASTOR TED."
FT. ZGERALD
Ezra is having the pout of his prissy little life. It's adorable and a little nervewracking, but not for old Maggie, who has had it it with his bullshit and it shows.
Ezra: "How long are you going to take finding an apartment in Seattle?"
Maggie: "The exact same amount of time as anybody else looking for an apartment? Don't worry about it."
Ezra: "I think Malcolm should stay here while you're looking."
Maggie: "I'm not worried about that."
Ezra: "But all my made-up pouty whiny baby reasons!"
Maggie: "Fine, he can stay with you while I'm there."
Like any pedo, though, he is adept at finding boundaries and testing them when he can.
Ezra: "Or you know, what if he just lived here? What if you were the parent he barely ever sees?"
Maggie: "Yeah, that's not happening."
Ezra: "Or ... is it? Because of my very important feelings?"
Maggie: "Um, no it simply is not? Leave my son with a man he met six months ago? I'm so sure."
Ezra: "Which is your fault for being a fucking bitch and letting my mother pay you off in the first place, ya dumb teen mom."
Maggie: "-- Right. Wow. Okay, well, he's not staying with you while I'm visiting Seattle. Congrats on being the Big Winner of This Argument, hope it keeps you warm in this lonely empty apartment."
("And PS, we are never ever fucking coming back, either. I don't know if you read that subtext, but what you've just demonstrated with that little display is that I completely don't have to take you into consideration anymore.")
And even when she's gone, there is no look of "I am ashamed to be a fucko that just majorly crossed it" on his face -- at all. He's just like, "What? That bitch isn't stealing my favorite toy I've been playing with for five seconds. Fuck that. I will sue your single-mom ass to hell and back with my rich family's money. Show you to care more about your child's welfare than my very important man-boy feelings."
LOCKER HALL
Spencer and Aria are still agog about the Mona thing -- as they walk through the empty school where no other people are -- and how, considering her onetime fame for being bullied by them (YES! I forgot about that! Mona Gets Better, that was amazing!), what if she is going to end up saying they forced her to confess? Good point, Spence. Also, she still has the picture A sent of the four of them with Wilden's car (where you can't see Mona because she is being cyberpunk in the front seat, I believe?).
Aria: "Anyway, enough of our once and future murderer. Look at this cute picture I framed of Paige and Emily together!"
Spencer: "At a swim meet. Back when she could swim. That's really sweet, Aria."
Aria: "I took the picture! It's a picture I took! Who wouldn't love that?"
Spencer: "All right, Arbus, get your shit in gear. We gotta be at the lakehouse in twenty."
Aria: "Oh, for that big surprise party we haven't mentioned previously in the episode that partially explains why Paige forced Emily to drive to Philly today?"
Spencer: "Homeless people deserve birthdays. If you can't have a place in our society, at least you can have cake."
Suddenly, the number of people in the high school doubles! Shana and Jenna are having a very loud discussion about some things in the Quad! The Liars listen in, eyes getting wider and wider. And it's Spencer, and especially Aria: There's like no upper limit on how big their eyes can go, when crazy things happen. Verbatim, because who knows:
Jenna: "Shana, they know I'm hiding something." (What is it?)
Shana: "If the cops really thought that, you'd still be there answering questions." (About what?)
Jenna: "I should have told them about Alison." (What about her?)
Shana: "It's too dangerous." (Obvi.)
Jenna: "It's too dangerous not to say anything, at this point!"
Shana: "Just give me a little more time to figure out where she is." (Who?)
Jenna: "I don't have much time left." (Until you're killed? Or go full-on blind? Until what?)
Shana: "I'm not leaving your side until I take you back to Philly in the morning. Okay? This'll all be over soon. Promise."
Shana walks her into the building by another door, supporting her like she just went blind just this second instead of being a full-on blind badass before and even going to Blind People School that time. The girls stare and stare. I have no idea what that was about. I think Shana's saying she needs to find CeCe before CeCe kills Jenna, and Jenna is like, "Maybe I should have come clean to the cops about the B-Team," and/or "I should come clean to the cops so they can save my life," but that's all I got for guesses.
You know I've always had a soft spot for Jenna. Not necessarily because she deserves it, but just to balance out how intense the Liars are about her. I don't really believe in evil or bad people, even on a show, even on this show; and anyway she has paid for like multiple lifetimes' worth of evil deeds, at this point, regardless of what they are. Mostly though it's because the more you hate somebody, the more it benefits you to figure out why, so that you can stop hating them and gain their powers.
Having said that, I would also laugh if she died. What a grody, horrible, dark little life. Can you imagine waking up every day -- maybe you're blind, maybe just almost; maybe today's the day -- and then that moment comes that you have to be like, "Shit, I'm Jenna Thing. Fuck a duck." How exhausting that would be!
MARIN
If I may just quickly blow your mind, can I point out that Ashley was arrested at the end of the sixth episode? That's right, she was in jail for a total of 2.5 episodes. Didn't it seem like forever? On a show that regularly loses track of people for entire half-seasons, especially, it's funny just how miserable every moment has been since she left.
Veronica: "Guess who's got a guardian angel? That is also a big hint."
Ashley: "Anonymous bail! Hundred grand! Maybe that's how Tom got it around Isabel."
Hanna: "Let's call him right now and ruin the surprise!"
Ashley: "Actually, I would like to drink four bottles of wine and eat Indian food."
Veronica: "Yes to the latter but your ankle bracelet says no to the former. That annoying beeping is it talking to satellites, PS. You'll get used to it."
Ashley: "I'm so fucking sure. Now about this wine thing, explain in detail how to get around that."
Ankle bracelet? On this show? Enjoy getting chased the fuck around your house, lady. (If they don't do that I am going to be really disappointed, actually.) But mostly, oh Ashley. The wine thing breaks my heart too.
Hanna: "Did you get a tattoo in jail?"
Ashley: "One teardrop under my eye for every cop I killed! Also a Tweety Bird on my butt."
HEARTBREAKING SWIMMING DISAPPOINTMENT MAN
He criticizes Emily's swimming video, and she hates it but she loves it.
Man: "You've got some bad habits and your technique could use some improvement... But you got a lot of potential. That is the last nice thing I will ever say to you. If you're willing to commit, I can help."
Emily: "Great, as soon as my shoulder heals."
(Skirrrtch.)
Emily: "Yeah, my rotator cuff? I tore it just a few weeks ago? I might be having surgery, or weird shots?"
Man: "Emily, if one of my girls had an injury like that, I would throw her in the wood chipper. You're no use to me."
Emily: "But my girlfriend..."
Man: "Is pushy! Also withholding of important info, apparently."
Emily: "Like I can't even try really hard like I do? And get a scholarship for year?"
Man: "Why are you challenging me? I just told you. You know what, get out."
He throws a one-piece bathing suit at her head, and then a succession of apples, but she's slow gathering her stuff because of her injured rotator cuff, and eventually he's so annoyed he summons some swimmers to come get her, and they form a circle around her and bounce her back and forth on their noses, then right out the door on her ass.
LAKE HOUSE
While they prep for the party, and Paige is off buying more and more party supplies, the Liars do a quick debrief: What's weirder, that Jenna knows Alison's alive, or that she knows who killed her? After all this time, one thing is for sure: We hate the shit out of Jenna.
Aria: "Either way, this could lead to A and who's setting up Hanna's mom..."
Spencer: "Not that we can get that shit out of her. Maybe we could eat her brain and learn her information that way. But then we might go blind."
Aria: "Let's pry her away from Shana and intimidate her because she's vulnerable, between going blind and all her friends getting murdered one by one."
Spencer: "Her stupid blindness. Toby says that surgery was basically a longshot miracle, did you know that? She can't even not be blind right."
Aria: "Speaking of Toby, and don't make me regret this, but what's he up to?"
Spencer: "Ironically enough, what none of us know is that the New York phone number out of Nigel's phone actually was a Jenna Thing thing. So he found one of the three apartments it goes to or whatever that whole deal was, and the landlord said he did rent that place to a girl. No name, but forwarded to a PO Box in Philly."
Aria: "...Which is where Jenna -- and only Jenna, now that Melissa's in London -- lives."
Paige: "Shut up and keep decorating. Never stop. It has to be perfect. PERFECT."
Liars: "You invited the swim team, correct? Emily's only other friends?"
Paige: "Yeah, but don't worry. I invited Shana, but only in a fucked-up rude way where she won't come."
Liars: "Could you undo that? She is babysitting Jenna until tomorrow so this is perfect. For us to be really aggressive and horrible to a blind girl, we mean."
Paige: "God forbid this party for Emily actually be about Emily, but sure."
HASTINGS
Veronica: "Who wouldn't jump at the chance to help a formerly disgraced teacher that fucked my daughter's underage best friend?"
Ezra: "Thank you so much for this."
Veronica: "Listen, I love screwing single moms over more than anything, but I'm gonna give you a referral to somebody who does that. My specialty is apparently representing exclusively murderers of cops, and cops who are murderers."
Ezra: "But I can ruin her shot at this graduate program, right? That's the main thing."
Veronica: "Prove paternity and you can ruin a lot more than that, baby. Think big."
LAKE HOUSE
Aria: "We'll text you whatever is going on with Jenna and Shana once we attack them at this birthday party. And give your mom Welcome Home hugs! Since I can't hug my own mom, who is not coming home any time soon."
Paige: "Where is Spencer?"
Aria: "Terrorizing your guests, one presumes."
Paige: "Great, well, it's time for everybody to hide and turn off the lights."
Knock-knock.
Emily: "Hello? Is anybody there? The last time I went to a lakehouse without a safety buddy, things got very fucked up very fast, so give a shout? I would hate to chase you up a lighthouse and stab you in the guts..."
Paige: "It's me! How did your fake appointment go? Heartbreaking?"
Emily: "Why the fuck would you lie to that..."
Everybody: "SURPRISE!"
Emily: "Jesus FUCK!"
She pulls out a gun and opens fire on the entire crowd, because what in the hell were you thinking, throwing a surprise party for this girl? "I thought you liked surprises," they'd say later, and she'd be like, "Uh, surprises like getting attacked in greenhouses? Kidnapped by talking dolls? Molested at a day spa? Roofied and time-traveled to a graveyard by a blind girl? Surprises like a motherfucking car drives all the way into your house? Surprises like that, you insensitive assholes?"
Aria: "Paige, Bridget Woo is in your kitchen, making a bong out of your aunt's teapot."
Paige: "Bridget Woo sounds like somebody we should get to know better."
Aria: "Did you know Paige was planning all this?"
Emily: "Yeah, no. Her ass is full of surprises lately."
Aria: "Surprise, Jenna's back! Surprise, she's coming to this party! Surprise, I have a million brutal jokes in me about blind girls. Here's one..."
PASTOR TED
Ashley: "Ted? How did you know I was home?"
Pastor Ted: "Uh... Let's say word travels fast in Rosewood. On the grounds that my actual answer may incriminate me before we even have this conversation."
Ashley: "Thanks for reminding me of my shame."
Pastor Ted: "Want some pie? I tried bringing you pie in jail but they wouldn't let me..."
Ashley: "Yeah, I didn't want visitors? I was super embarrassed to be in jail. It's bad there."
Pastor Ted: "Well, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't deserve all this. I've been going nuts worrying about... You know what though, I'm sorry. Take this pie and enjoy your first night home with your daughter. We can chat whenever you decide to take me seriously."
Ashley: "Whatever, come in and have some pie. It's not like I can go on a date with you, thanks to Old Anklebiter over here."
Pastor: "What shapely ankles it bites! I hope you like the pie, it's..."
Ashley: "Made of wine?"
PARTY
Outside, Shana tries to explain that Coach Fulton is coming, which is great news! I was so sad when she was gone in Season Two and so excited when she came back for the 10K and now I guess she's just back. Man, you know your party is rockin' when Coach Fulton comes. Jenna is unimpressed, which if you can turn up your nose at Coach Fulton, maybe you are evil.
"It was hard enough coming back to this town in the first place, and now I have to be around them?"
Shana tries to be like "What am I, chopped liver?" but whatever, you know what you are.
Meanwhile, Aria goes into Spooktacular Spy mode, ducking around pillars and crouching behind ficuses and assuming the shape of people in paintings and all of it, because who is here with blonde rando Swimmer Kim? That's right, Karate Jake. Jocks plus jocks. Spencer sympathizes, and they get to actually be funny some more.
Aria: "I pretty little lied to him about what I was doing tonight!"
Spencer: "Awesome, I just got interested. Who's that he's with?"
Aria: "I don't know but she is the WORST."
Spencer: "I have to agree. Go break it up, Montgomery."
Aria: "Flipping her hair, walking around on her legs..."
Spencer: "Don't forget whose couch he slept on last night, hon."
Aria: "He may have slept on my couch, but he came to the party with Kim."
Spencer: "That's like every country song. That is an actual Pam Tillis song."
Aria: "Who's that?"
Spencer: "Anyway, you're acting kind of jello about this."
Aria: "Don't be serious. You of all people should understanding only wanting things when other people have them."
THE DOCK
Emily is a soft sort and Paige is no quitter, so between them it takes a while to figure out what happened with the Swimming Man so they're both on the same page.
Paige: "Gotcha. I lied to him because he wouldn't see you otherwise."
Emily: "But see, that would have been a good thing? Because right now I want to die."
Paige: "Don't die! Swim! You can get a scholarship!"
Emily: "You are getting crazier-looking every time you go there."
Paige: "Fine. If you don't go to Stanford with me, we are going to break up. And then I will die."
Emily: "See, that's something I can work with. The actual truth. On the downside, this particular actual truth is that we are going to be breaking up sometime soon. I would say over the summer, but by then I'll be in Nicaragua, so."
It's sad, don't get me wrong. But the whole story here is set up to do exactly this: Impediment after impediment, but always in a way where there's hope. Because hope is how they get you. You have to be in a state of simultaneously knowing they will be together forever, and that they will not be together, and you put those two things together at once, you go crazy. That's just... what watching TV is like.
PARTY
Jenna: "I feel like something horrible is about to happen..."
Aria: "Nice to 'see' you, Jenna!"
Spencer: "Yeah, 'look' who's back in town!"
Aria: "Are you blind again yet? Ya blind bitch that's slowly going blind?"
Shana: "Jeez, you guys. Just fuck off please."
Spencer: "Sure! Just leave her alone with us for a few minutes and then you can have whatever pieces we don't devour."
Shana: "Not happening."
Aria: "Group photo. Taken by me! Head outside, please."
MARIN
Hanna: "Dear Dad, here is my 18th depressing voicemail where I think you actually care about me at all. Call me when you get it, okay? Okay! Bye!"
Ring-ring. A very sassy Mona is checking in and does not have time for your shit, so don't you get chatty.
Hanna: "...Hey, Mona! Shit, I've been calling you all day. Are you okay?"
Mona: "Yeah, I will be."
Hanna: "That's not chilling at all. Listen, I can't believe they let you go!"
Mona: "I don't have time to explain basic criminal procedure to you right now, Hanna. They can't hold you without proof. People make false confessions all the time."
Hanna: "Speaking of, how come you did this?"
Mona: "I have to go, I just wanted to make sure your mom got out okay."
Hanna: "She's home, but..."
Mona: "Great, you're welcome, goodbye, click."
(Click.)
Then she packs up her shit and heads out! Mona, where are you going? Where are your parents? What are they like? Do you have parents? Are they downstairs? Are they just life-sized dolls posed in eerie tableaux? What is the story with you? Why can't I know everything about you and your life and your inner thoughts and your Matrix powers and just be the Hanna that you think and talk about all the time nonstop? I would be a #1 Hanna. Think about it.
PARTY
Aria is adorable some more. So adorable, in fact, that you might not notice what an asshole she's being.
Jake: "Hey, awkward. Family movie night, huh?"
Aria: "Yeah, I forgot or I remembered or something? Cars and birthdays and things."
Jake: "I mean, either don't lie -- which would be fine -- or try harder at it."
Aria: "You try harder. At dating giant blonde girls."
Jake: "I'm doing okay in that department, it would seem. You okay?"
Aria: "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine? You're the one who's not fine, not me you're the one who's not fine not me."
Jake: "So for the record you lied so I wouldn't even think to ask about coming with you -- which, get over yourself to begin with -- but now you're shooting sparks and steam because I came with some other girl?"
Aria: "Yeah it looks like you're having a great time."
Jake: "Aria. We are not dating. Per you. I'm your boyfriend in every other way, except that we are not dating. Again, by your command."
Aria: "I know that mister I know that I know because it was my idea. We're just friends."
Jake: "You're unnerving me? But also I am like, in love with you now?"
Aria: "Then it's working. I mean, no but yes. But go away! But come here. But I hate you! But I feel safe with you. But I'm at movie night! But I'm right here in front of you."
Watch and learn, ladies. That is how you do it.
Paige: "Anyway, there's this whole party going on for you inside, maybe we should hit pause on this breakup and go in there?"
Emily: "Good call."
Jenna: "If we don't get the fuck out of here I am going to lose it. LOSE. It."
Shana: "Coach Fulton probably had to hit like three other parties first. Just chill."
Jenna: "Are you or are you not under my sexual spell?"
Shana: "-- Yep, let's go."
Spencer: "Wait, don't go!"
B-Girls: "Outta the way, Spencer. Unless you're gonna cut to the chase."
Spencer: "Yep. The Full Spencer. My only plan, ever."
"I heard you talking about Alison at school today! I know exactly how you feel about me! But Ali was my best friend! So if you know anything about her, you have to tell me!"
6 out of 10. Jenna easily evades it. "Uh, I don't 'have' to tell you anything..."
Suddenly there is a stampede for birthday cake, and Jenna and Shana get separated in the fuss, and then I guess Jenna just keeps walking after that? Just mumbling to herself about how dare Spencer listen to her sad scary blind conversations and rassin-frassin' those girls always thinkin' they... Clonk, sploosh.
MARIN
Ashley: "That was some good pie!"
Pastor Ted: "Jesus made it! Just kidding, I bought it at a bakery."
Ashley: "I am going to wash the dishes now, if you could just scram the fuck up out my house."
Pastor Ted: "Whatever you want, I am crazy in love with you."
Ashley: "Okay look, dude. Here's the deal why I am being so weird. Darren Wilden and I had a history. A gross, awful, nasty one. And also I stole from an old lady and killed an architect and ate of his flesh. And Wilden used those things to hurt me and my kid."
Pastor Ted: "I'm aware he was a piece. I mean, I've talked to that douchebag."
Ashley: "I saw him, that night. We argued."
Pastor Ted: "Whatever, but you didn't kill him. Obviously."
Ashley: "No, but I could have. I kind of wish I did."
Pastor Ted: "Do you honestly think I care about that? Everybody's got limits. I really wish you'd get over this thing where you put judgy thoughts in my mouth."
He hugs her, just gives her a little hug, and she relaxes into it... And then when she invites him for dinner the night, he goes, "It's a date! Just do me a favor and don't run? I've got a lot riding on you."
Which is like the weirdest Nice Guy, humblebrag, creepster thing in the world. Like, "You know what is so neat about us? How you and I both know I bailed you out and now I own your ass... But we're too classy to talk about it. Sweet dreams! Stay safe!"
I mean, if this weren't Rosewood I would say maybe he's just being a little awkward and doesn't know how to approach the subject -- or even stole it from the church, like a werewolf! -- but no: Sexual slavery is the only possible option on this show. Sex slave of a hot preacherman, the one thing even Ashley Marin couldn't have accounted for.
PARTY
Emily: "Where's Spencer? This sucks, everything sucks."
Aria: "Hunting Jennas in the dark. Let's go help."
Jake: "Hey Aria, I was just leaving. Without Kim, I might add. All alone out here in the dark, coming from who knows what direction, looking suspiciously back over my shoulder."
Aria: "Cool, that's really cool. I'm glad you're leaving without Kim. No I'm not."
Emily wanders away because straight people are sooo boring, let's be real about that, and she finds Spencer's dead body floating in the lake and starts screaming to high heaven.
Oh, back up, I forgot to tell you that Spencer has been wearing all night a simply hideous blazer in highlighter yellow, that neon chartreuse awful color (but looking amazing in it, of course) and that also Jenna Marshall was wearing the same color, in a light sweater-ish thing I don't even know what you would call it. Her outfit was predominantly black, but this little flimsy thing covered the shoulders and trailed off. Unpause.
Emily jumps into the lake to gather up Spencer's lifeless body... But it is Jenna's! She is drowned! Like a witch that turned out not to be a witch!
Emily: "Oh shit, it's Jenna? Why'd I ruin my slacks for Jenna?"
Shana: "Where was everybody? My love, Jenna!"
Paige: "Hey guys, what's up? Just coming out of nowhere, mysteriously."
Jake: "I'm still hanging around, maybe because I know CPR."
And then just the staring eyes of dead Jenna!
...Who, after the commercial break, is being loaded into an ambulance while Shana gives the Liars an amazing look of hell, and the camera goes, "Maybe it was Jake, or maybe it was Paige, but I definitely think it was one of those two, don't you? They were acting mighty suspicious..."
Liars: "That bitch was so blind I'm sure she'd walk all the way to the lake."
Emily: "Also, somebody bonked the shit out of her head before they threw her in. Look at this blood all over my sweet denim jacket."
MARIN
Hanna: "...I cannot fucking believe I missed that. I mean, I 'hope' she turns out 'okay.'"
Liars: "Yeah, whatever. We're gonna go hang out in the hospital. Hopefully we will hear her death rattle."
Hanna: "Cool, let me know. Hey, remember when I almost killed Garrett's mom in that hospital that time she was in a coma and he was in jail? That was hilarious. Especially since she deserved it for being Garrett's mom. Try something like that."
Ashley: "Who are you talking to so late?"
Hanna: "Just wishing Emily happy birthday. Just wishing her the birthday gift of Jenna's grim, brutal young life finally getting snuffed out."
Ashley: "So I figured out who paid the bail, and it wasn't your dad."
Hanna: "I guess on some level I knew it was Pastor Ted. So I guess you'll be having a lot of sex with him, moving forward."
Ashley: "It's looking that way, sweetie."
LAKEHOUSE
Paige: "I still can't believe you were the one who saved Jenna Marshall."
(Slow clap.)
Emily: "I still can't believe somebody tried to kill her at my birthday party."
Paige: "Or it was a total accident! Why, somebody would have to be crazy to do that. I think it was an accident and she just blindly hit herself with a rock and then stumbled into the water and just kept walking, and bleeding, further out into the water, until she just drowned."
Emily: "Yeah. Or somebody's trying to keep her quiet about Alison."
Paige: "Yeah, or that. Those are the main options we should explore. Forget what I said about the crazy person and focus on those."
ARIA
Aria: "Thanks for coming over, Jake."
(Slow clap.)
Jake: "I was just thinking about how if Emily hadn't pulled her out of the lake, that blind girl would be dead now. But instead, whoever did it just wasted their fucking time."
Aria: "Yeah, about that. I have a history with Mona and Jenna. It's long and fairly unrealistic. Suffice to say that I don't want to pull you in with me."
Jake: "Maybe you can let someone else help you navigate for a while."
Aria: "I guess. I guess you didn't mean that as shitty as it came out."
Jake: "Say, how jealous were you? On a scale of first base, second base..."
Aria: "I'm gonna say shortstop? But between you and me you're lookin' at a triple."
JUST A QUIET NIGHT, THE TWO OF US
Paige locks the door and turns off the lights and joins Emily on the bed near the giant window, but Emily's unresponsive when she says her name so, disappointed and still pretty worried, she just turns off the lamp and climbs in, sighing. Meanwhile, Emily stares at the wall and holds very still, because her life -- her regular life, the thing we turn to when we can't cope with the adrenalized hyperreality of our A life -- can't seem to stop exploding. Where do you hide when your hiding place is even more dangerous?
HOSPITAL
Shana: "Ugh."
Spencer: "Not the time. Have you seen Toby?"
Shana: "He's talking to the doctors, in there with the parents."
Spencer grabs her arm as she flees, barking kind of intensely at her.
Spencer: "Hey. Who did this to her?"
Shana: "All I know is, nothing good every comes from being around you four."
Spencer: "Please. Shana, you could be . Or me, or... Was it Ali?"
Shana: "Did you hit your head? That bitch is dead. Emily's been right this whole time."
Spencer: "Wait, then who? COME ON!"
Shana: "Come on, it's CeCe Drake. You could have figured that one out by now."
A-TAG(S)
Mona settles into her old room in Radley, looking crazier and more pleased with herself than she has in a long time. Oh man, what now.
Redcoat drills her way under a house, wearing full Redcoat regalia, right there in the front yard. I wonder if this is something to do with A last week drilling up through that floor? Am I supposed to know whose house it is? You know I'm terrible at that. If I had to guess I would say it's the DiLaurentis house? But ugh, we'll find out.
And finally, is that blood? No, it's red wine pouring out of a bottle on top of a piano, which A rights before playing a few bars of "Any Time" from 1921 that goes, "Anytime you're feeling lonely / Anytime you're feeling blue / Anytime you feel downhearted / That will prove your love for me is true." Which is about right, considering she wraps up the sheet music and addresses it to Toby Cavanaugh. Who knows.
WEEK
Wren! And Emily moves into Alison's old room. I guess other stuff also happens, maybe Toby learns to play the piano, but mostly I am into that shit. First because how creepy can you get, and secondly because Ali's mom rules so hard.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.