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An afterschool spelunk into Redcoat's crawlspace is abruptly aborted when Redcoat enters the house and tries stabbing Aria in the eye with some knitting needles (which A later uses to stab a dolly of one of the five Liars in the A-Tag). It's pretty scary, I think by design -- but not as scary as a short and brutal hayride from hell that ends with Redcoat shuffling toward you through haybales like a landshark He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Emily and Spencer try to cut the person up with a hoe rather horrifically and crazily, but end up with only the red coat itself.
...Which we see in CeCe's latest Lair, where it looks to my naked eye less like an A Lair and more like the site of a bright young lady trying to solve the murder of her best friend and soul sister (who may occasionally be possessing her body). On the other hand, once she's lost the coat we later see her spying on Aria in the signature A-Team black hoodie, so who even knows. I'm just happy to see her!
One foot already in Nicaragua -- and fighting off Paige's suspicions about Rumer Willis -- Emily acts real sketchy about going to the school dance with her until she has a gorgeously disastrous run-in with a crazed Ezra, who yells at her about nothing at all and then admits his kid is being taken away. After that, it's a quick jump to a flashback in which we learn that Alison once had a gun pulled on her by a creep (Wilden?) she was trying to dump on behalf of a friend (CeCe?) -- and that Alison then cautioned Emily about taking care of others over herself. A twofer. So instead of letting Paige down easy, Emily decides -- at the end of a night of ignoring her just horribly -- to keep their relationship going until the bloody gaspy end. It's absurdly sweet and we get to watch them dance for a long time, it's nice.
Emily eventually tells Aria about Ezra's kid being taken away (note that he leaves out the part where Malcolm isn't actually his kid, but I still think that's somehow an A-related fakeout) so she'll stop blowing him off, and the episode ends with Aria doing a beautifully choreographed dance with Karate Jake and then showing up at Ezra's house to watch him cry and whine, because some relationships are just inevitable. I am gonna miss Karate Jake like nobody's business, but you knew it was coming.
Case in point: After receiving a CD of his dead mother singing that song from before, Toby goes twice as crazy about being on the A-Team, to a point that scares even Spencer enough to finally confide -- after a hilarious accusation from Aria that she's basically been living in her own TV show inside this TV show -- in the Liars. He yells at her about that, because of A's strictures about not telling anybody his various betrayals, and then sets out (with Caleb hot on his heels) to break into the abandoned car of that weird old Dr. Palmer... Just as the cop car is driving up, because of course the whole thing is an insane setup by A that serves merely to validate Spencer's concerns.
Hanna meets a very cute, soft-spoken tall kid named Travis who apparently goes to their school, and who puts a shit-ton of money in her locker to help with her mom's legal fees. Turns out he was there the night Wilden got shot, saw Ashley drive away before that happened, and then panicked and ran. He left his truck at the lake, which was returned the day along with the wad of cash, in Diva Dish (CeCe's old boutique) stationary. While Hanna is grateful to him for the money and info, she has to dig deep into her charm reserves to get him to tell the Lieutenant about it, since his family had bad blood with Wilden, just like everybody else.
Things seem very close to resolving as far as CeCe Drake and why she lives under people's flooring sometimes, and I am guessing we'll get an explanation for the B-Team/NAT Club murders as well. Which hopefully in turn will get Ashley out of jail, which will chill Hanna out, which will chill Emily out, which will chill everybody out. These people are under a lot of stress, I realize that, but they are acting like a-holes lately and it's really frustrating. I would like their lives and loves to be at least a little bit smoother by the time we land this one, wouldn't you? Aria's suddenly the charming funny one, and Spencer is the logical, precise one? This isn't how life is supposed to be.
Week: #WorldWarA. Aria, wearing white tights as pants. A return to Ravenswood, a disappearing Liar, the secrets of CeCe Drake, and a spooky carnival magic show -- I'm sure complete with the requisite clowns, because you can't ever have enough of those -- and the Grunwald. I think one thing on which we can all agree is that the mystery of Toby's mother should probably go on and on forever, though. Am I right?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Spencer interpreted a mysterious A note for Toby and then played the part of his dead mother in a scheme to unlock the secrets of the demented Dr. Heavy-Air, while Dr. Wren Kingston engineered Veronica Hastings's recusal as Ashley Marin's lawyer and Mona was returned to her old room at Radley Sanitarium, so Hanna's downward spiral continues unabated. (And she doesn't even know that Caleb is only here for another week!)
Aria took her relationship with Karate Jake to the level, while Ezra was discovering that Malcolm isn't even his son. (Unless the lab, located in Philly, has been infiltrated, which would be an amazing triple-snap twist in Ezra's brain, which is already headed south.) Most freakily, former athlete and imminent singleton Emily Fields was treated to two very important clues by Jessica DiLaurentis: One is that Alison and CeCe Drake were used to switching their souls between their bodies, and two is that Redcoat has been making her temporary home under the DiLaurentis house.
QUAD
Resolved: CeCe Drake nearly killed Jenna Thing, has been living under the floorboards and quote "staring up Emily's skirt" for a while now, may blame the Liars (and/or B-Team) for getting kicked out of UPenn, and possibly is a reptile.
Emily: "How am I supposed to live in that house?"
Aria: "Just stay on the second floor..."
Spencer: "...And wear underwear at all times."
Emily: "Creepshot jokes: Not real funny to the girl who got molested at a day spa."
Hanna appears in a pastel pink blazer, foreshadowing conflict with Spencer over their moms' legal issue.
Hanna: "Explain to me yet again about how come Veronica can't be my mom's lawyer?"
Spencer: "They took her down, honey. She's protecting your mom by not being involved. Once that anon told the judge she threatened Mona, it was all over."
Hanna: "I still don't get it. I just don't understand this storyline of mine at all."
Emily: "Why is Lieutenant Tanner here? Is it because it's baked ziti day?"
Tanner: "How are you and your mother enjoying the quasi-homeless life?"
Emily: "You say that with a smile but actually, words can hurt."
Tanner: "I don't care about your feelings because you keep coming to the police station and fucking up my life. Have you been back to the scene? I mean 'your former home'?"
Emily: "No. Do you know, in turn, who ran over my house with that car?"
Tanner: "Sike, I am not actually here to talk about that but to put the screws to Hanna. Guess what we found in the wreckage? A shoe! A muddy one, as in the prophecy."
Hanna: "I gotta bounce."
Tanner: "We have ways of testing these things out. It's called 'ballistics.'"
Hanna bails to barf -- which I don't love; it's getting past weird how often we talk about Hanna and food this season; if there's a reason, a possibility I'm willing to admit, I don't understand it -- and Tanner basically laughs like the Sea Witch, and it's amazing! She got so Roma Maffia on you and you didn't even see it coming!
Spencer: "Okay, here's my theory. I think this isn't really about the shoe, it's just about making sure Mona's testimony gets kicked out again. That was the only thing that interrupted A's big plan to screw your mom over was Mona suddenly jumping on Hanna's behalf."
Aria: "I think she's fishing to see if we forced Mona to do it, or maybe Spencer's mom..."
Emily: "Let's not forget that video of the person wearing my face. That seems like it probably would keep Tanner's interest piqued, right?"
Spencer: "What we need to do is put CeCe on Tanner's radar. Or frankly, vice versa would also work. If you know what I am saying."
Aria: "So let's just tell her there's baked ziti in the crawlspace."
Spencer: "No, let's just investigate the crawlspace more, so we can prove CeCe has been living there since she moved out from that apartment with the angry awesome girl, like Emily has failed to do this entire time she's been living there."
CeCe Drake actually living in a crawlspace, possibly in a red riding hood, possibly with a mask -- or multiple masks -- on her face. Just eatin' Cheetos and drawing up her lunatic plans that don't make any sense whatsoever and practicing for her pilot's license and staring up at Emily's crotch. I mean just picture it.
Emily: "Mrs. D basically just drinks all day directly over that crawlspace."
Spencer: "So Hanna can take her drunk shopping. She loves that shit."
Hanna: "Yes, trying on clothing with the most body-shaming person any of us have ever met is definitely the healthiest step for me, after I just barfed."
Spencer: "Okay, we've said the word crawlspace about a hundred times, I'm bored of that word. Now, everybody say the word hoedown over and over."
Spence lines up the plan to investigate, but immediately gets an A-related Toby text and runs off with her sketchy slumpy way of doing that, and they disperse. (Will she finally tell them his dumb deal and how he forced her to keep it a dumb secret? Surely that has to happen before week, right? If I found out you forgot to tell me Toby was back on the A-Team for even one minute, I would just let them take you. That is some bullshit.)
Hanna breaks the fuck down near the soda machines, all alone in the hallway, with only the silent creeper gaze of Bisexual Elliot for comfort. I love this guy Luke Kleintank, he was even greater on The Good Wife than GG, and I think he'll fit in here.
I wonder if he is only Caleb's replacement, which would be fine, or if there is something crazy going on with him. I mean, both (obviously), but it could also just be the latter looking like the former for now. I think he is her brother or half-brother, or seeking revenge for the mysterious fake-architect's disappearance, or an enemy or cohort of Sister Kate. I think he is Alison's giant twin brother. I think he is CeCe's teen mom baby and his real name is Bruce. I think he is the brother of the girl Alison killed that time that was so nbd to the Liars they didn't even remember it. I think he is Mikey Montgomery's giant dreamy boyfriend.
AFTER SCHOOL
Paige: "So are we going to that western dance tonight, or...?"
Emily: "Bunch of chicks in plaids and denim? Why on Earth would any of us want to see you dressed up like a cowboy?"
Paige: "I know, right? Lol. So I'll pick you up at eight. What's that you're reading?"
Emily: "This recommendation slash love letter from Rumer Willis about Haiti."
Paige: "So she's totally in love with you, is what I'm picking up from this letter. You are going to do it with her in Nicaragua."
Emily: "How dare you! Get your humanity out of my habitat! I have to get to class. And thence to Nicaragua."
Emily's like, "I gotta bail on this relationship like I said we should. She's already edging into the red as it is, and the last thing we want is Paige McCullers losing it this close to #WorldWarA."
Remember when Jenna Thing had that birthday party with the cupcakes and hats? The Cupcake & Hat party she threw herself. God, that was pathetic. Everything about Jenna is so fucking sad.
OTOH, Paige has never been more incandescent than at that party, has she? Nope, wait, Masquerade Ball. She had that shit on lock. It was also the first time I noticed her acting like a person and not Alice the Goon, which is also very sexy.
Karate Jake: "Can we go on a date in the daytime? Can we have coffee? Can I recommend a lawyer for Ashley Marin? Can we or I anything?"
Aria: "Right, you're my boyfriend. Do you want to go to a hoedown?"
Jake: "Yeah! I mean who does, really, but with you?"
Aria: "That's so crazy that you can just go with me to a dance without the cops getting involved!"
Jake: "Yeah, turns out there is a downside to statutory."
SPEAKING OF
Emily: "Ezra? Honey, you look upset."
Ezra: "I haven't shaved! You can almost tell!"
Ha! And then they totally discuss how he hasn't shaved, right after I made that joke, and she's like, "What are you, growing a beard?" and he goes, "What? No! Fuck you, I'm just distracted! Get your humanity out of my beard! I have grownup problems!" And then, double-ha, that's exactly the thing he screams!
"Emily, some of us have bigger goddamn problems than college recommendations that are too glowing. What am I, your fucking babysitter?"
It's amazing how great he is when he is pissy. Like remember when he was broke for five minutes and went around squeezing muffins in his little fists and stomping his little feet and riding around on a cute little flying carpet of tiny sexy rage? Remember the time he held his breath and flexed his little muscles? God, that was like the hottest he ever was. Until now!
Emily: "Cool, I will just go fuck myself then."
Ezra: "Sorry, I'm being horrible. I am horrible. Acting inappropriate with teens is a way of life."
Emily: "Is this about Aria?"
Ezra: "No, it's about Maggie moving away with somebody's child that I met one time."
Emily: "That sounds upsetting. I can see why you would forego shaving today."
Ezra: "I'd appreciate your discretion, Emily. I have to inform Aria of this myself."
Emily: "Okay. But like, why? Why would she care? Why would anyone care."
And but the whole time she's just dumbfounded, like, appalled that this is happening. "I get that you're going dark -- and I appreciate it -- but maybe you overshot? You realize you're screaming your ass off at Emily Fields, the Greatest American Hufflepuff? My house got run over by a car, dude."
I HAVE GLASS IN MY HAIR
Caleb: "So can we hang out before the hoedown?"
Hanna: "No, I have crawlspace duties."
Caleb: "Your mom says we have to go to the hoedown. And I am being crazy adorable."
Hanna: "Fine. I can fit my shopping trip in beforehand, like we already planned."
Then she gets a mysterious envelope full of hundies from a mysterious person, nominally to help her mom out in some fashion, and notably not in A's recognizable hand. The envelope has been through a lot, but originated at CeCe's store. Is it from Pastor Ted? Give it up, bro! I wanna say it's from Bruce the Three-Eyed Baby Holding A Watermelon, obviously, but I'm guessing/hoping it is from that mysterious dreamboat Travis that was staring at her earlier... Yep, there he is.
I wonder where he gets his money? I wonder what profession he, like everyone on this show, is somehow a licensed teen whiz of, to the point where Aria just naturally assumed that Holden owned a karate studio in his spare time. What do we think? Let's talk about Travis. All the time, let's do it. Airplane Pilot/Sorority Assassin/Master of Disguise like Alison (and perhaps CeCe)? National Security Advisor like Caleb? Substance Abuse Therapist like Jason? Insured Residential Contractor like Toby? Air-Traffic Controller, like Nigel? Maybe he simply took over CeCe's store, and will be assuming her Diva Dishing and Mixed Mannequin-Leg Snake-Fighting duties as well. Maybe he runs a taxi service at the edge of a swamp. The possibilities are endless.
SPENCER & TOBY
Spencer: "Okay but why would CeCe give Hanna thousands of dollars? In an envelope from her old store?"
Toby: "She wouldn't! It doesn't bear thinking about, apparently! Why do we have to talk about that when we could be talking about my dead mom?"
Spencer: "Because it's frankly more interesting. I don't know why you can't ever see that. Also, how ironic that you're challenging me on this as we are getting into the truck I bought you right before you disappeared and [I think?] joined the A-Team."
He starts the truck just as Spencer is noting the coincidence of the money and the shoe both showing up on the same day, and then is gobsmacked by a recording of his mother singing that "Any Time" song on the CD player! That is some quality mindfucking, A. I find myself twice as into this storyline as I was a moment ago.
Spencer is all weirded out and starts crying along with him, begging him to stop it playing, and it's pretty compelling: "There's more where this came from," says the CD. No kisses, though. I hope we figure out why A or the new A says "kisses" all the time, it's fascinating.
THE BREW
Hanna's fussing with her purse when Travis comes in, ordering only a water. She has no time for your bullshit, of course, so she immediately threatens him in every way she can think of and then stomps off, with one last hilarious scornful head shake at the door, like, "I am so disappointed in you, strange boy." Tut-tut. I am intently fascinated by all of this. What is happening? Why is Travis here, what is he doing? What is his agenda? Why is he staring at Hanna all day today? To what end, Travis?
HAUNTED TRUCK
Toby: "Well, just because every visit to Dr. Palmer only makes me sadder and crazier doesn't mean I can come up with something better. For I am Toby, the person who only has one plan at a time. Perhaps Dr. Palmer, who can't remember his own name, will somehow be able to remember where CDs of psychiatric sessions from years ago are stored."
Spencer: "Toby, are you familiar with the concept of the unreliable narrator? That dude is crazy as shit. And trust me, I know crazy. But also, this is classic A. She was probably hoping you'd crash this truck when you heard it, not just start blubbering like usual."
Toby: "Are you coming with or not?"
Spencer: "Not. I have a hoedown. And a crawlspace to crawl into."
He dials Dr. Palmer immediately, and she's like, "Do you really not see that you are doing totally A-Team stuff right now? You are doing exactly what you have been doing this whole time. Like literally I am watching you be on the A-Team. We can prove CeCe is A, and then it's all-Marion, all the time, but until we are safe this is just divide-and-conquer BS. You are quickly becoming a liability."
Knowing better than to challenge her, Toby hangs up. But you know his ass'll just call them the second her back is turned, the better to walk mournfully and doggedly into some fresh hell or another. My hope is that Marion Cavanaugh neither suicided nor was murdered, and in fact was moved to Ravenswood, an in-between place that secretly our world is their heaven. I want to say that Ravenswood has its own Radley, and it is the Ravenswood of our Radley, and there past the rec room, with its many record players each warped subtly to a different pitch, there is a room of giant stuffed rabbit dolls as tall as the ceiling, heads tipped over to one side, eyes ripped out, loose strings hanging.
CRAWLSPACE
Aria: "Bossypants's running late, which is unusual. Especially considering she's the one running point on this mission."
Emily: "Well, while we're waiting, have you talked to Fitz lately?"
Aria: "Just my usual routine of mixed messages. Showing up at his house, then ignoring his panicked calls. Nothing special. Why?"
Emily: "For a reason that I don't know what it is?"
Aria: "Blah blah blah Jake is the new Ezra blah... Ooh, what's that? A shiny object?"
Emily: "A button. Perhaps from a coat. Perhaps from a red one."
They hear a smashing sound, but it's just Spencer. Emitter of most smashing sounds. They all snark at each other, and Spencer refuses to tell them what's going on with Toby again, for no reason, and then they show her the button. (Aria, hilariously, is like, "Of course Spencer has the best flashlight out of all three of us. Just of course.") They won't quit with this button. I mean, I know they weren't with us when we saw Redcoat crawling down there, but... Yeah, I guess they'd have coats on the brain.
Upstairs, more bumps and sounds, and the starers down become the starers up. Hanna confirms that she's with Mrs. D., so then who is up there? And why is she stabbing down at their faces? Holy shit, Redcoat is just slamming knitting needles down at Aria's beautiful gigantic eyes like it's no big. Get out of that crawlspace! (Wait no, stay there! I don't know the best move here!) That's amazing.
Phobias are irritating because they are weakness, and most of the time they are a performance because actual ones are pretty rare, and nothing pisses me off more than when you're so used to performing to get attention you don't even know you're lying. Like when people make a huge fucking deal about "come deal with this bug!" it's just... You're broken. You're too broken. We are not forming a transactional relationship by me killing this bug for you: We are only firming up the fact that I will never respect your opinion or take it into account, because you are bad at being an alive person. You are an unreliable narrator of what is going on inside you. But. If Aria had a claustrophobia, between this and the Halloween Train, I would be okay with that.
That's a big part of why I don't go into crawlspaces, because of what if you get stabbed in the eye. Also, snakes. And dead stuff. And CeCe.
I guess there are lots of reasons, come to think of it.
HASTINGS
Hanna: "How many knitting needles?"
Aria: "One is enough!"
Hanna: "No, I mean, what if it was multiple stabbers?"
Emily: "It was just one. A very heavy-footed person, who knew where to find the holes (and somehow that we were immediately under the holes)."
Hanna: "Let's trap her!"
Emily: "I won't help. I'm moving in here, fuck it."
Spencer: "...What's that now?"
Emily: "I am moving into your house. Don't challenge me."
Spencer: "You mean like tonight?"
Emily: "Is that a problem? Knitting needles! In our eyes!"
Spencer: "Um, well, there is the ... hoedown..."
Aria: "All right, Sketchy. Out with it. What are you doing when you're not with us? Are you on your own show? Because I used to have that, and it made me suuuuuck."
Then she totally says pretty much exactly that. The mindmeld is on and poppin' tonight.
Emily: "Whenever Toby calls you get weird, you slink away, you act weird..."
Hanna: "Are you pregnant?"
Emily: "Shut up, Hanna."
Aria: "We get it, you have a boyfriend. We've all been there. I have a boyfriend right now, as a matter of fact..."
Hanna: "Even Emily has had a..."
Emily: "Shut up, Hanna."
(I realize there's tension because of their respective mom situations and Hanna's singleminded obsessions and everything, but damn. Way to police the group dynamic, creep: "Stop saying funny things! We don't like it!" There's not a joking edge to Emily's voice at all, and not even any "funny" cuts to Hanna looking befuddled. She's just being a bitch. To everybody, actually. I hope Emily gets drunk soon, she really needs to cut loose. I mean, it's true that her life is going down the tubes in at least five ways I can think of, but barking rabidly at your support system ain't the way.)
Spencer: "I'm not, like, picking Toby over you guys. He just has shit going on."
Aria: "Everything you were saying to Toby earlier applies to you, now. You're talking about mysterious shit he's going through? Emily is homeless! Hanna's mom is going to jail! I almost got poked in the eye once!"
Emily: "I don't care what you fucking promised him. Spill."
Spencer: "Fine. A's giving him stuff. His mother was probably murdered."
Liars: "I ... guess that matters?"
Actually, that might work better than getting her drunk. Maybe if Emily has Toby to worry about she'll chill out on Hanna and everybody can just calm down, because right now the energy is so fucked up even Aria is yelling at Spencer, which is like a ... parallel universe where that's acceptable, a thing that can even happen in reality.
Meanwhile, Toby is bitching at the people at Palmer's facility, so I guess he's going for it. Somebody sends him a picture of a random car in a random driveway, and after a few seconds he figures something out, but I'm mystified by the whole thing for now. Later it will become clear that this is Palmer's abandoned car, parked in a random place, possibly chock full of Marion's recorded sessions, which would establish her mindset beyond anyone's ability to create or alter documentation, because they would be her actual voice.
Which, just look at that sentence and you can see that he is being a chump. Why would A set up this rabbit hole just to be like, "And now you have the actual truth, thanks for playing!"
THE BREW
Aria: "Whew, after a long day of browbeating Spencer I really needed this grown-up chocolate milk beverage. Who's that cute homeless guy over there staring daggers at me?"
Ezra: "IT'S ME EZRA FITZ I AM CRAZY NOW."
Aria: "Yeah, sorry about not answering your calls but you're a grownup harassing me on the phone, so..."
Ezra: "Can we talk later? I have very important news that is not relevant to anybody."
Jake: "Who's this homeless guy bothering you?"
Aria: "Nobody! I mean, it's Ezra. I mean, both."
Jake: "Oooohhhh. Weird."
Aria: "What's weird is, I am still in love with him even though you are perfect in every way, because I am a hot mess. But let's keep pretending until they turn the lights off."
Once he's gone Jake presents Aria with a big box: Turquoise cowboy boots, which he somehow has the magical power of guessing your shoe size, and then he sensuously slides it onto her foot like a Brokedown Cinderella, and they are adorable some more. He can put boots on me in a coffee shop any time, as they say. But also, boots are expensive and that's a very odd thing to just go ahead and do.
They're also a weird height for her body. Go higher or lower, but especially for somebody this short, that cowboy-cut length is just a recipe for making you look like you have chunky legs, which she doesn't. It looks good on some people, don't get me wrong -- that chunky-leg look that is so in vogue -- but these gross seafoam boots seem intended specifically to create the effect of a plump toddler in rainboots and nothin' else. Which even for Aria, that's kind of a rule-out. (Especially since the entire rest of the cast looks freaking amazing in their hick gear, which is its own mystery.)
What I mean is, while I realize Aria's outfits appear somewhat catch-as-catch-can to the casual observer, we know she puts a lot of effort into creating whatever effect it is she thinks she's creating with her fashions.
DILAURENTIS
Emily: "Uh, Toby needs to quit trusting A. That's idiotic."
Spencer: "Yeah, well. You know Toby."
Emily: "Go get the rest of my shit from the bathroom so we can get outta here forever."
Paige texts again about the hoedown, but Emily and her gorgeous hair are not interested at this time. She looks over at the vanity, and sees something insane! It is a nail polish bottle full of…
FLASHBACK
Ali was blowing on Emily's toes after applying a coat of hideous turquoise that matches both Aria's boots and Emily's shirt in the flashback, and then she ordered Emily to dump Ben and his blue-green blueballs. Kick him to the curb, or else.
Emily: "I mean, sometimes it feels right... Like in the screaming corner of my mind where Pam taught me to live, just like her mom did to her. Or if I close my eyes and think about Angelina Jolie."
Alison: "You don't make decisions, that's what you end up with. The mushy squash, the steamer tray leftovers at the buffet."
And she said the most beautiful thing: "Stop taking care of everyone but yourself. You need to be careful at what you're good at, hon, because you'll spend the rest of your life doing it."
That is awesome. I had to take a ten-minute breather after she said that just because of how amazing it is. That's the most "are you hurt or are you injured"-brilliant thing anybody on TV has said in a while. I mean, it's amazing because that's now Emily's story -- if you aren't good at what you're good at, then your life is empty, or at least full of emptiness -- but also, what a profound statement. Be careful what you're good at, because you're going to be doing it forever.
I tend to express it as, your behavior only ever follows your priorities, so if you just worry about changing your behavior, you're going to be angry with and disappointed in yourself a lot of the time. We make our most optimistic plans on our best days for our best days, but it's our worst days that we're weak. We have this idea that changing the behavior -- sternly forcing the diet, the regimen, whatever it is; sternly listening to NPR even when it's super boring, even -- is a better way to be because it hurts more, which I think is insane. That's spiritual anorexia.
Much better to stack the deck in your favor and create an environment for success, don't worry so much about character-building. Because the world is going to punch you in the boob either way. You don't need to worry about that. It is one of the best things about the world. But even still I think Alison would prefer the ol' Vonnegut: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."
Or in Emily's case: Get really good at swimming, and you'll always have a foundation.
Alison: "I can do it for you, I love doing proxy breakups. This one guy the bitch didn't tell me he had a gun! Which he pulled on me. Anyway, yadda yadda. You don't know him, he doesn't go to our school. Anymore."
BACKFLASH
Emily: "I have just received an important message from my reliably unreliable memory that Alison once had a gun pulled on her by a man somebody wanted to break up with. I think probably the people involved were CeCe and Wilden, based on that's what's happening right now."
Spencer: "What are you talking about?"
Emily: "In that Cape May picture he has his arms around both of them. But what if it wasn't about him and Alison at all -- what if it was about CeCe? And she's dating both him and Jason DiLaurentis, whom you know as your half-brother. And then they both end up back in Rosewood, and she's busy living under houses and flying planes wearing various costumes, and he won't leave her alone -- being, as we know, very determined at times -- and so she had to kill him. What if the Ashley of the Wilden-stalking scenario was actually or also CeCe?"
And then we can trace that back to the beginning of the show, all his sketchy obsessive manipulative adorable shit, because both the person covering up Ali's murder and possibly the person solving it would have him in their pockets. Right?
Spencer: "Then why was Alison pregnant and crying to CeCe about it that summer?"
Emily: "Shut up, Hanna... Wait, sorry. Force of habit."
I'm feeling no closer to understanding Redcoat/A+ at all, and despair I ever will, but what else is new and I think this CeCe story might be just an actual honest moment between us and the show. Actually, yeah: One of the last times we saw either of them Darren was cramming CeCe into his car, and she didn't look pissed -- she looked scared. The opposite of how Melissa described it. So maybe there's something to th... OMG!
CECE DRAKE!
Is in a, looks like a dormer room, wainscoting, like the top floor of a B&B, rocking a Lair full of Alison clippings and pics, but not really a very A-type Lair, more like somebody trying to solve their best friend's murder: "Hello? Where are you? I'm not waiting here forever, and I sure as hell am not going back to Rosewood. Call me."
Interesting. But not as interesting as the red coat in the corner, that looks like it could be missing a button. I'm not even going to try, at this point. Finale's in a week, I can wait.
HOEDOWN
My second-favorite song by my first-favorite country artist, "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" by Luke Bryan, is not something I ever thought we would talk about, you and I. I don't listen to a lot of country and it really only started a couple of years ago when I decided that I needed to stop being afraid of where I come from and just enjoy who I am, including even the parts I still feel weird about because that's where your power is, and that led to Luke Bryan and Lee Brice and Eric Church -- which is the extent of it, I swear, those three specific guys; maybe like one Blake Shelton song -- and which in turn which led to "Country Girl." I mean to say that I listened to this song twice today.
It's generally in the rotation (My favorite is "Hung Over & Hard Up," by Eric Church, which I think is simply beautiful), but especially this week because the new Luke Bryan album came out and I'm sorry to say I don't love it, so I threw it into the larger country mix, which has buoyed my mood considerably as it always does. And so now you know a somewhat peculiar thing about me that not many people know: This ho down with a hoedown. Moreso than you'd probably think. Although watching the various sex criminals and victims of Rosewood PA makes me question that a little bit.
Hanna is lookin' fine in a gingham number and white hat, Caleb is pulling off a bolo tie like only the Quileute can. But once Caleb runs off to get them a drink, after a little forced banter, Travis swoops in to dance with Hanna and thereby discuss with her Ashley's innocence and the Diva Dish money.
Travis: "My family owns the towyard that Wilden called that night. I was at Torch Lake and I saw your mother get in her car and drive away. Then gunshots, and somebody running through the woods. A female somebody."
Caleb: "Excuse me, here's a drink."
Hanna: "Hang on, I have to dance with Travis. Who is a laxbro of Mikey, is the first lie I thought of."
Travis: "Spoons. Nugs. Dispatch."
Caleb: "Yeah, this seems legit."
Hanna: "Okay, why wait so long?"
Travis: "It's complicated. There is trouble between Wilden and my dad, I thought he'd end up in your mom's same position."
Hanna: "Yeah, but that still sucks though."
Travis: "Me and a dead body, and a mystery person running through the woods?"
Hanna: "A blonde somebody? And what is the deal with the money?"
Travis: "My truck turned up back at the yard, with that envelope on the seat."
Hanna: "Hush money, huh? Did its job."
Jake: "I am dressed as a cowboy! week, astronaut!"
Caleb: "Don't drink any of the weird drinks here, just water. Hey, what's the story with Hanna and that strange boy?"
Aria: "Uh, whatever lie Hanna told you."
Emily: "My dad taught me to two-step, because of Texas."
Spencer: "I still think that is an actual dance and not the simplest movement a body can perform, so I'm gonna need you to lead, okay?"
Toby: "Whatever. This is dumb. I could be listening to my dead mom CD right now."
(To the tune of Billy Currington's "Let Me Down Easy," as if it weren't about to get sad enough.)
Emily: "...Oh, shit. Paige."
Spencer: "Wait. Did you ditch her and then come to the dance anyway?"
Emily: "Yeah, what was I thinking? I guess moving out of the people under the stairs house just got me all muddled. I guess sometime between moving, getting dressed as a cowboy and coming to this dance she kept bothering me about attending I just plain forgot what the fuck I was doing. How embarrassing! Or else incredibly passive-aggressive."
Paige's Shocked Face: "Gonna go with Option B. Damn, that's cold."
Emily's Regret: "Actually, it's just me flaking out. Actually, it's the least asshole thing I've done today. It all started when a hairy Ezra Fitz punched me in the boob..."
Rando Paige Is Talking To: "I have no idea how lucky I am going to get tonight."
Why is Hanna still with Travis? A dance is one song. Now they are just holding hands and skipping. They look like tired bacon on a Long Walk, listlessly jumping every few steps. Is this a squaredance? How dreadful. I always managed to get a doctor's note for PE that week, because I simply couldn't bear the idea.
Travis: "I know I was dumb to leave my truck to the A's and beasts of the night, but at least we got that money for your mom."
Hanna: "Money I got! Pastor Ted money. What I need is for you to come clean."
Travis: "That's kind of like you asking me to sell out my family to help yours, because yours is more important. Frankly, the cops should figure this all out at some point and then we both win, plus you get to have tons of money. The end."
He twirls her right out of his life, and Aria touches her arm as she's leaving -- chasing after him probably -- and then she and Karate Jake do a line dance they've apparently been practicing. Whatever, dancing is what he is best at, which I know because I saw a whole movie specifically about how good he is at dancing. So it's fun, whatever. This is Aria's life. Aria's stupid dumb life. Still better than Ezria. (Although not Ezra, because he's never been more...)
Oh hey Ezra, we were just talking about you. I see you shaved... Oh, that over there? Don't worry about it. Don't mope or get mournful or... You know what, if you want to get mad and yell though, you wanna kick up a storm and holler, that would be okay. Let me know. But a guy this time, okay? That was a little icky back there at school with Emily. Oh, and now Jake's glaring at you! This is very likely to get very awesome very fast.
Caleb: "Hanna, I don't know about this mysterious boy you're dancing with that you lied to my face about."
Hanna: "Me neither. But it's not like I'm dumb Toby, trusting him regardless -- he said he wasn't going to do anything and that my mom could go to hell, I mean, I'm not sure what he stands to gain."
Caleb: "I'm just saying. Sometimes a boy seems really nice and lost, and before you know it, turns out he's hiding nannycam teddybears in your house for blind rapists. I mean you just can't tell."
Jake: "Hi Ezra."
Ezra: "Why hello Jake."
Jake: "Could you back the fuck up off us for like one second?"
Ezra: "I am a chaperone at this dance not because of my debilitating pedophilia but because I am suicidally lonely in ways you can't conceive."
Jake: "Either way, pull your shit together. And give me a beverage."
Ezra: "I would be happy to do so. It has been strangely pleasant discussing this matter with you."
Jake: "And you as well. I will make sure not to tell Aria about that part, though."
Ezra: "I will try also to be sporting. Enjoy your appropriate relationship."
Spencer: "Did Emily talk to you about anything?"
Toby: "Hey, I got a picture of Palmer's car that may contain his tapes. It's on my mind."
Spencer: "Seriously you can't even dance with me? Are you here with me, or with A?"
Toby: "I know what I'm doing. Stop challenging me."
Spencer: "Can't stop, won't stop. And I already told everybody I had you under contr..."
Toby: "Do what now?"
Spencer: "Oh, I told everybody your mom got murdered."
Toby: "How horrible! A will never text me again!"
Spencer: "I know! That's just one of the many benefits!"
Toby: "You chose your pretty little friends over me!"
He goes off and she hyperventilates in her pigtails and stands awkwardly in the middle of all the people dancing, but mostly I'm so sure. What if they did randomly break up over this? "Oh, but the fifth time I join the A-Team and fuck your crew over, you decide to be a bitch about it?"
But you know what I like about Toby? How many opportunities he lets fly by, in the average episode, to remind Spencer she recently dragged him to an entire other dimension because she met a bird that told her a phone number. Go ahead and tell my ass about a unreliable motherfuckin' narrator. I'll wait.
Spencer, upset: "Did you drive here?"
Caleb: "Shit, are you okay? Need a ride?"
Spencer: "No, I need you to follow Toby. It's a A thing, don't ask questions, just back him up before he gets himself killed and/or fucks up my mystery clues."
Caleb: "I mean I'm just at a hoedown, I got buffet-style..."
Spencer: "Give me those plates, I'll feed Hanna! You just go! Now! GO!"
He moves out. It's sort of beautiful, I mean she is flipping out but still being very concise and smart, and he knows A is the safeword for real life, and it's done. I wish everybody handled Spencer this well, she'd fuck up easily half as much stuff everywhere she goes. The lady says for real, you treat it like it's for real. Worst case scenario you drive a short distance and then turn around and come back, you know? I mean, best case scenario you get some more CDs of a dead lady nobody cares about, but still.
Emily has the nerve to watch Paige talking to her friends in this like, wounded way -- just go over there, dork! -- and A watches from the balcony as Aria comes to ask her about Travis, whom Emily didn't even see because she was too busy lurking, not-being on a not-date with not-Paige. The Nicaragua of the heart.
Emily: "I hate to order you around twice in one day, but march your ass to the bar and talk to Ezra."
Aria: "Ugh, too weird! We had this bloody pileup at the Brew, he looked like a sad wet hairy sexy puppy, and he was acting all desperate, and Jake was oh my God do you think they would fight over me and how can I make that happen at this hoedown."
Emily: "I will freak out on you unless you do this."
Aria: "But Jake! He wouldn't date me until I was over Ezra, and now I actually am!"
Emily: "Jesus Christ it is not about you and Jake. It's about Malcolm. First you, now his kid? He's losing his shit."
Aria: "Oh, I just assumed it was about me. But no, for the first time ever, it is not."
Aria heads to the bar to see if she can make this about her and put the universe back in place, and then Emily spots Redcoat -- once Paige's crew has disappeared -- and she's feeling so riled up she takes her hat off. Just whips that motherfucker off. You know she's praying for CeCe to start some shit, since Aria actually did as told.
TRAVIS
Is checking the gas pumps at the family store for the night when Hanna arrives, because he is too tall and soft-spoken, and too much wearing those jeans, and Caleb is too not long for this world, to let him go without a fight. She tries to shove the money in his hand, and he acts al weird about it, so finally she leaves it on the gas pump.
Hanna: "This money doesn't actually help anybody. You need to talk it to the police, along with your story. I'm sorry that it makes you feel weird, but I have felt weird for a goddamn century and I am tired of it."
Travis: "I feel like one of us is blackmailing the other but I can no longer tell which."
Hanna: "I know you're scared, but you wouldn't have come to me if you weren't ready."
They stare at each other, beautiful face to beautiful face, forever and ever. Uh oh!
HOEDOWN
Spencer brandishes Hanna's food at Emily, who hasn't seen her, and they spot Redcoat and go racing through the crowd and out onto some haybales. After being brutally rebuffed by the grizzled hayride-driver -- "Uh sorry, Pippi Longstocking" -- they go ahead and steal his truck, with a silent conspiracy nod, because it is important!
Aria: "Sorry I'm such a dick! Emily finally told me so I came over."
Ezra: "No, Jake's right. I am a creep and a half. Get back to your boyfriend."
Aria: "I can't even tell what you're doing right now."
Redcoat climbs in the back of the truck as Spencer is warring with the clutch, and then ripples toward them through the bales of hay like a SHARK! Emily stares, Spencer follows her eye, they text Aria to bring Jake to help with the murder they're about to commit, then -- with another silent nod, everything is so excellent right now -- they jump out simultaneously and Emily starts hacking into the haybales with a nearby hoe, like, openly trying to cut Redcoat into pieces. Hoe up, hoe down. Can you imagine if she did manage to crack CeCe's skull? I wonder what the hoe charges are, vis-à-vis shovel-finding. Eventually, they troll out the red coat itself, but that's it.
D-TEAM
Caleb: "Stop breaking into that random car!"
Toby: "Everybody's givin' me the horns today! All I want is to get myself murdered in some fruitless quest while being an accidental supervillain!"
Caleb: "They weren't kidding. You really are this dumb."
Just as he's finally cracking the lock, of course, a cop car drives up and the boys run off into the wilderness. I mean, come on. This is like the fifth time A has done this setup, and every single time it's the same thing: Oh, that dunderheaded illegal thing I was doing for no other reason than my mortal enemy suggested it? Well, turns out that was dumb.
I get that Toby is can't-stop-won't-stop about this because it's his dead mom and that's when his life started going horribly wrong and everything, but I mean, when Caleb -- who likes nothing better than spy games -- is giving you a reality check, maybe take a lap. Talk it out. But my God, when Spencer Hastings says you're tilting at windmills?
TANNER
Thanks to Hanna's wisdom, Travis is now entertaining the good Lieutenant at the family store. Wow, I really didn't think that was going to go that way. I hope engineering that dramatic back-and-forth with the envelope full of cash didn't afford A the opportunity to make it look like she was bribing him, though. Wouldn't that just be the way?
Tanner: "You can identify the person running away?"
Travis: "Blonde, I think? I am absolutely sure the lady was gone before the gunshots."
Tanner: "Cool, because I am gullible as a rule. It is my job."
Meanwhile Hanna chills outside, scratching her arms and presumably thinking about food because this is like the fourth episode in a row where her eating habits were back on the table. Ever since Jessica showed up, really. But also, how is Tanner not thinking at this point that Hanna is some kind of fucked-up femme fatale bisexual Jenna Thing that just seduces everybody and makes them one by one throw reasonable doubt on her mom's murdering?
HOEDOWN
Emily: "And it's missing a button?"
Spencer: "Yep. Listen, I'm gonna call Toby and see if he's got himself arrested or murdered yet."
Emily: "I mean, if CeCe was here..."
Spencer: "Are you now suggesting that instead of Redcoat plus an entire A-Team, it's all CeCe? Sure, who knows what is ever going on with this show. Better safe than sorry, though. Also, the other boyfriend is there too so I might get in trouble for that if Hanna ever reappears."
Emily finally decides to chat with Paige about the incredibly awkward dance of death they've been doing all night. I actually did this, come to think of it: Broke up with a guy and knew he wouldn't hear me when I did it -- even though I prepped him for it a few times beforehand -- because like Lisa Loeb he only heard what he wanted to, and it ended up being super awkward at this wedding in precisely this way. So I guess either Emily is not a dick, or we are both dicks.
Paige: "I can clear that up for you, bro."
Emily: "Listen, I'm sorry! I just don't want to be the person that ends up with mushy squash."
Paige: "Are you drunk?"
Emily: "No, I just want to dance with you and I don't want to worry about hurting you down the line because right now I want to dance with you and I don't see why we should both be unhappy so let's both not be unhappy. Deal?"
Paige: "Do you want to get drunk?"
Emily: "Possibly, after this hoedown that I have spent the entire time chasing murderers and murdering people and acting spooky about you."
"Now," she says, "Before they turn the lights off." It's sad, but also happy. Sad because they are going to turn the lights off. Happy because you can handle anything if you know it's coming, and also because they have been broken up for [any amount of time] too long. So then we get to watch them dance, and that's darling.
FT ZGERALD
Ezra: "Is Jake waiting outside to beat me up?"
Aria: "No, he dropped me off at home and I came here myself. Explain Malcolm."
Ezra: "I mean, it is a fucking mess. It helped ruin your life and it turned out to be a fucking joke the entire time and I feel so dumb."
Aria: "Well, hold my hand and whine to me. I'm not leaving. We can even pretend this is me being a good friend and not, you know, a total asshole."
Ezra: "I mean, we're never total assholes, are we? This is actually a pretty mature thing you're doing. Especially if you follow through."
Aria: "We'll see about that."
And CeCe -- sporting the black hood, now that she's Coatless -- stands outside, listening carefully to them chat about his dumb imaginary baby and all the drama it's allowed him to cause. Honey, did you not just say you weren't coming back to Rosewood? And now this? The most boringest unnecessary possible errand you could be running? And what does it all mean? I believe... Hmm, no. Deleting that just in case. It started to make too much sense, and I remember with Mona it was kind of a letdown that we'd collectively walked ourselves too far down the road. I like it better when you don't see it coming at all.
A-TAG
A knits tiny sweaters for ragdolls of all the Liars and then stabs one of them -- Mona makes a little too much sense now, but of course I hope it's not her, or just a suggestion -- straight through with that same knitting needle.
WEEK
In any case, we are soon to find out several answers. Maybe all of them. A strange carnival, a magic show, somebody gets abducted and the crew returns -- YES! -- to Ravenswood. The Grunwald! Sorcery! Bus stations! Screaming! Birds! Kisses! #WorldWarA!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.