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This show's definitely been bringing the scares more reliably this year -- I'd say since about Halloween of last year -- but man, this was one for the books. It was so scary (robot murder house) and creepy (Cousin Nate going ballistic on Jenna) and oddly sad (the entire concept of Maya's life, and death).
While Ezra has found the mysterious Maggie that his mom once chased away -- and is probably raising a kid Aria's age over in Delaware -- Aria's more interested in her mother's blooming romance with Brew owner Zack. While he seems perfectly happy with their arrangement, Ella's wary of committing too quickly, so Aria swoops in and does the job for her. In the end, they agree to take it slow, but I say they'd both be pretty smart to lock this down while they can.
Emily obsesses on a note Maya left the night she died to the same degree as usual, until Hanna finds a clue on Maya's Website Page: A few shots of her standing on Noel Kahn's cabin's porch in her pajamas some morning or another. Figuring out that he was her weed dealer is not enough, so the plan is hatched to find out more about the connection between Maya and Noel Kahn. (The only other thing Hanna's got going on is, she and Caleb have decided to keep up the ruse that they're broken up, which is more complicated than it first looks.)
For her part, Spencer awesomely decides to hide in the boys' locker room at school, steal his phone and all kinds of crazy stuff, but in the end -- and tired of her bugging him all the time -- Noel Kahn sends her footage of his cabin the night of Maya's murder, which includes her getting snatched off-screen at precisely the right time to exonerate Jenna, Noel Kahn and even Garrett for her last abduction.
Okay but the real thing is that Hanna and Emily head out to the Kahn cabin by day, and discover a secret room behind a bookcase that contains evidence of a long-term prisoner -- filthy mattress, etc. -- as well as Maya's ugly huge purse, and which slams shut around them with robot strength, controlled by a villain from the outside. Oh, and her unused ticket out of town, because she never left town, because I guess she was a prisoner in the robot murder house from that time she threw a fit at the Swim Team party until the night Mona's watch went off.
Yes, this really happened, down to the bare lightbulb shorting out over their heads. Eventually Emily gets them out of there alive, but not before Hanna somehow manages to injure herself ruinously, which necessitates a housecall from the only doctor in Rosewood.
So in the end you've got Wren putting total mack on a resolute and staunch Hanna (but for how long?), Emily accidentally making out with Cousin Nate in front of Paige (it's dumb, but not as offensive as it sounds), Spencer making a weird ally of Noel Kahn and maybe Jenna, and Aria... As usual, off having scones with Ezra and ignoring everything else that's going on. Big ups to MVP Ella Montgomery and co-MVP Noel Kahn's very flattering purple shirt, and we'll see you week. When, apparently, Paige goes off the rails, Jenna warns Em about Cousin Nate's craziness, and Ezra's babymama continues to threaten life as we know it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The female Noel Kahn -- Cece Drake -- took Aria and Spencer to a party at the cabin belonging to the male Noel Kahn -- Noel Kahn -- and we learned that he was one of fifty million people (Jenna, Paige, and a time-traveling Holden, inclusive) that abducted Emily That Night She Kept Getting Abducted. Hanna got Caleb back, but they have yet to tell each other their newest secrets, like how she kissed Wren and how he did some hot Website Page cracking with Spence. Ella's interested in Rear Window Zack, things seem to be going well between Ashley and Pastor Ted, and Cousin Nate nearly dated Jenna -- which is confusing, since she still seems to be with Noel. Oh, and Ezra Fitz's increasingly present family is a four-alarm disaster, which duh.
THE MARINS
Hanna: "Why are we decorating our screened-in porch right now?"
Ashley: "What, just because it's the middle of the night? That's when I like to do all my home improvements. Don't be snarky -- I spent a lot of lasagna on this giant planter with a giant tree in it."
Hanna: "Well, I refuse to help or be a party to this in any way. Oh, a mysterious note. It looks like it's on parchment and written in Elvish, so I'm assuming it's from Maya. She really loved those Tolkein books when they came out."
Emily, I'm so sorry for everything. I know we've had a disconnect lately. I hope you'll give me a chance to explain. I have to show you something. Don't call my cell, someone stole it. Meet me at...
Unluckily! The location has been washed away by rain! Or possibly from being stowed under a giant Jurassic plant for the last however long. Suffice to say Maya, despite being the New Dead Girl, does not have Alison's flair for hiding things places. No follow-through, that's the problem.
DEBRIEF: IMMEDIATE
Spencer: "If we only knew when she wrote this letter, maybe we could use whatever she was going to show Emily to prove that Garrett Reynolds killed everybody that has ever died."
Aria: "You mean like how it plainly says the date on here?"
Emily: "...Oh, and it's the day she died. What are the chances. Anyway, thanks for inviting me over. I thought it was going to be a movie, but no."
EZROBAR FITZTANTINOPLE'S APT
Aria scrapes cream cheese onto a bagel as though she has never seen a bagel before, staring into space, wondering about what it would be like if somebody you knew died.
Ezra: "Aria, why did you bring me one hundred bagels? Why are you smearing all of them while staring into space? Why do they have jalapeños? Are you mad?"
Aria: "No, I just completely forgot how breakfast works. Sometimes I do that, like, did you see this jumper I'm wearing? It's actually just a duvet from 1994 that I convinced to be a pastel jungle-print skirt, over a catsuit with black lace cap sleeves. Hey, do you have time to talk about that girl you knocked up that time?"
Ezra: "Sure, it's my favorite subject. Let's see. After my mother had Maggie hogtied and kidnapped to the Eastern Bloc, I tried really hard to find her. For me I mean, like, I sent her a message on Myspace and called her old number and asked this guy down the hall. After that it was right back to the PS2. You think I'm entitled now? Hoo boy."
Aria: "I don't know what any of those words mean. Myspace. PS2. Entitled. They sound made up."
Aria: "Anyway, why didn't you tell me about this, the most interesting thing to ever happen to you besides me?"
Ezra: "Pedo Tip Number 1, Don't scare off little girls with facts that put your age difference front and center. Why do you think I've cultivated this body of a middle-schooler? Adaptive camouflage."
Aria: "Yeah, when I saw you getting engaged on the Website Page of Jackie Morales -- a person who is your same age -- it made you seem really old for a second."
Ezra: "We've all got secrets. Look how long it took you to tell me that you blinded a girl. Or that you were being stalked by a hyperadrenalized ghost ninja."
REAR WINDOW
Emily: "Do you actually have to pore over my dead girlfriend's Website Page at my place of employment? It's sorta distracting."
Hanna: "Speaking of distracting, look! It's Wren! Go away!"
Wren: "Haven't stopped by to see Mona in a while, huh?"
Hanna: "Yeah, between her not being important to the storyline right now and that time I kissed you, I've simply been quite busy."
Wren: "Oh my God, I'm so glad you brought that up. Are we in love?"
Hanna: "Look, I may or may not be with Caleb. And Spencer may or may not be with Toby. And you may or may not be a grown-ass man. The important thing is that you don't know any of this for sure."
Wren: "Then who am I supposed to maybe or maybe not date? Where do I fit into this scheme? Just kidding, I'm an adult with responsibilities. But if you ever want to hook up, or Spencer feels like getting drunk and doing flips on my furniture, you little ladies give Wren a call."
Anybody else it would seem predatory, but when it's Wren it's like he's saying Happy birthday! or I brought you some bagels without jalapeños on them just to celebrate how pretty you are.
SOME LOVELY OUTDOOR LOCATION
Spencer: "You keep reading that Maya note over and over, you'll end up as crazy as me. Hey, maybe the thing she wanted to show you is at that lake spot where Cousin Nate keeps luring you to kill her. Wanna case the area later?"
Emily: "Whatever. What's going on with Toby?"
Spencer: "As long as he's not here, I don't care. Lying to him is the pits."
Emily: "Right, because he's like the Dalai Lama. Like how we keep saying in every episode leading up to something called 'the betrAyal' how very trustworthy he is."
Spencer: "Listen, I just want this latest crap to be over. I kept up my GPA all through the Mona stuff, but A+ is making me fail Physics."
Emily: "A B is not failing. Make the same joke you made last week, quick!"
Spencer: "B is for bad!"
Emily: "Still got it."
Paige: "...Diiiiid somebody say shithouse crazy?"
Emily: "No, but your purse is bigger than an Army Private's duffel bag and you're wearing a sleeveless shirt with Dog the Bounty Hunter riding an eagle airbrushed on it, so we might as well have."
Spencer: "Ugh. Hastings out."
Paige: "So, you wanna do something super weird and/or crazy later?"
Emily: "You mean like date rape me or try to kill me?"
Paige: "I'm open to suggestions."
Emily: "I guess so. For now I'm just going to read this letter from a dead girl over and over and try to psych myself into thinking somehow you're a better option."
LOCKER HALL
Aria thinks about calling Ezra, and then doesn't. One of the harder things she's ever had to deal with on the show. You'll be happy to know she remains strong.
ZACK LUNCH
Zack, pledging his troth, has brought Ella quite a spread for lunch.
Ella: "Freshly baked bread, brie and hummus? I don't think I've ever been so spoiled."
Zack: "That's really sad. Hey, I also grow those tomatoes in my back yard."
Ella: "It's like you want extra credit on being alive. The whole point of looking like you look is that you don't really need to try, usually."
Zack: "I also brought a split of prosecco. I thought it might be fun to get you drunk at the school where you work."
Ella: "Yeah, nothing sexier than Ms. Montgomery slurring her way through iambic pentameter."
SMOOCH!
Aria: "...Hey, Mom. Who's this metrosexual manchild sharing a romantic picnic with you in my English classroom?"
Ella: "This is Zack. He's Emily's boss and possibly my future child-lover."
Aria: "Quite a spread, Zack. She's not used to being treated this well, trust me. Did you make all this yourself?"
Zack: "Want some?"
Aria: "No thanks, I had angry hate-bagels earlier and they're repeatin' on me."
Ella: "Get out, leave, go. Leave this room. It is about to get weird."
Zack: "All right, Babe! See you later."
Aria: "Babe, first of all. The fuck? Mom, you hypocrite!"
Ella: "Uh, did you get a look at him? Call me whatever you want."
She wanders off into the desks and acts super adorable and nutty and it's wonderful, but you had to be expecting that. Even Aria is utterly charmed.
MARIN
Emily: "Hey Hanna, just dropping by in the middle of the school day to chill with you in your bedroom. Why do you have giant pictures of Maya everywhere in your room?"
Hanna: "Because I have gone crazy, obviously."
Emily: "No, seriously. You printed out every picture from the website and then organized them by date and location. Either Spencer is catching, or... Look, I've been on drugs many times. If that's what this is..."
Hanna: "No, Caleb just got too close and figured out about A+, and now we're pretending not to be dating, and it's killing me, basically because Wren exists. So I need to solve the mystery of Maya's murder in the two episodes or else I'll die. Or catch a MRSA from fucking him in the alleyways he haunts, under dark of night."
Emily: "Even when it's about me, it's not about me... Hey, how come these pictures are at Noel Kahn's cabin?"
SPENCER AT SCHOOL
Hanna: "Hey Spencer, hope you're enjoying school while Emily and I just lounge around on my bed in the middle of the day for no reason."
Spencer: "Why would Maya ever be at the Kahn Cabin in the middle of the day? Those parties were only at night."
Hanna: "Emily says Maya was wearing what she thought of as pajamas..."
Spencer: "Oh, God. I remember those."
Hanna: "...And so she probably just slept over."
NOEL KAHN!
Noel Kahn: "You're looking weird today. What's up? Are you going to bug me about mysteries some more?"
Spencer: "Yes."
Noel Kahn: "And you're going to drag it out forever?"
Spencer: "Yes."
Noel Kahn: "Is this because I'm wearing an amazing shirt seemingly dyed the specific shade of purple that would best flatter my countenance?"
Spencer: "Shut up, Noel Kahn. Talk. Who was Maya St. Germain to you?"
Noel Kahn: "She used to give me advice about growing up. Oh, and I was her weed dealer. Duh."
Spencer: "That makes total sense, actually. But go fuck yourself anyway."
Noel Kahn: "It's kinda hot, knowing you think I'm capable of murder."
Spencer: "Word. I mean, shut up, Noel Kahn."
They stomp off in opposite directions, both with their own very specific gaits.
REAR WINDOW
Emily: "Hey, Cousin Nate! I guess since everybody's here at my work, it's no longer the school day."
Cousin Nate: "Hey, that 'band' Maya used to 'jam' with is coming into town week, and I thought we could go see them."
Emily: "The Owl Kings? I'll have to bring my flask."
Noel Kahn and Jenna are in the corner, laughing uproariously and smiling regular human ways for the first time ever on this program.
Noel Kahn: "...Yeah, so then I said, 'It's hot you think I'm capable of murder,' and she's all, 'Meep morp I am Spencer Hastings' and I was like..."
Jenna: "That's so true! She is so like that!"
Noel Kahn: "Aaaaanyway, thanks for the talk, I'll see you after practice."
Cousin Nate: "I can't believe that girl just stared right past me like this, I thought we were going to date. I'd better go over there and get really aggressive and weird."
Emily: "That is literally the only person I would cosign you doing whatever it is you're about to do."
Cousin Nate gets incredibly gross and scary and creepy with Jenna, because he doesn't know that Cece Drake broke off their date by lying to her and threatening her, and he sure doesn't know that Emily was a passive player in that fight, so really she's just some girl that stood him up and went back to her boyfriend. Making Jenna kind of a bitch, I guess, but making Cousin Nate pretty much reprehensible. She tries to play it cool, but he gets in her face and she has to verbally ask him to back off, and finally he just storms out, and it's real ugly. Like "Paige's Dad in the Lunchroom" ugly.
Oh, and this was weird. He said this in a very pointed, pointy way: "Where can I find you tomorrow? I'll [drop off your birthday present I bought you for our date you didn't attend]. Should I swing by your place? Say around three? Or I can just meet you here?"
Emily: "The hell did that mean? Man, I'm glad it was Jenna Marshall he's physically threatening and stalking, or else I'd probably rethink our friendship."
Instead, she texts Spencer -- who is still at school, note -- to tell her that Noel Kahn is headed to practice, which I would agree is definitely the most important concept in this entire scene. Get in there, girl.
LOCKER HALL
Ella: "Lord, this day would not end! Unless you were most of the other people on this show, and then it just kinda ended whenever."
Aria: "Can I lambast you about the May/December thing yet?"
Ella: "No, I have a date. With another man. There are so many I can't even remember his name right now."
Aria: "So you're not serious about Zack?"
Ella: "He's handsome and smart and he's certainly boosted my ego..."
Aria: "And vice versa, of course. Look at yourself. And he was fawning all over..."
Ella: "Baby, I know what I'm working with. I'm just saying -- and thanks, you're sweet -- plenty of ladies probably get the Zack appeal. Moms, joggers, people with strollers..."
Aria: "He brought you that Ezra Fitz Picnic, dude. He's all over it. And I mean, you haven't been on a date since the twelfth grade, and now you're double-booking? My advice, stick with the guy who is younger than you. Something I can use to my advantage, or at least toss at Dad like a grenade when he starts up about Ezra again."
Ella: "It's like you have an obvious agenda here. I'm just kissin' frogs, you'll remain in the loop as far as where it goes from here."
Aria: "As long as we're all clear that ultimately this is about me."
POST-COACH COACHING
Seriously, does this outfit count as her crazy-ass behavior of the week? She looks amazing, don't get me wrong, there's a very cool gender thing going on with the wrist-straps and her plaited Renaissance hair playing off the sleeveless t-shirt and the boots and all, but... There's a literal American flag on the shirt. You know what, too, is that she's literally the only person on the entire show I can see wearing this outfit. Even on this show, that's saying something.
Paige: "Well, my meeting with Swim Coach didn't go so well. I guess my C in Trig means I'm not as good a swimmer as I thought. Shoulda taken wood shop."
Emily: "Look, just come over and watch a movie and I'll talk you off this latest ledge."
Paige: "As long as you don't make me watch Rudy again."
Emily: "As long as you don't try to drown or sexually assault me, LOL. But seriously that movie is amazing."
Then they smooch over one hundred times.
BOYS
Spencer prowls around the boys' locker room until they all come running in and start taking off their clothes and splashing each other with water and generally getting up to all kinds of fun, all of which she can see from her hiding place. Crazy like a fox, that Hastings girl.
Prowling around the Kahn Cabin, Hanna and Emily are menaced by a Blair Witch, which they ignore. Another thing they are ignoring? A clearly placed security camera marking their every move. Man, these two. You know the first thing about not being constantly under suspicion for everything that ever happens is stop doing shady shit all day. God knows what'll happen if they find a shovel on the premises.
Right when those naughty boys are at the peak of working out their on-field frustrations, Spencer tries to send a text to ...Joe Rogan? Clearly I have missed something in all the shenanigans. Rewind. Okay, what is actually going on is, she is trying to get Maya's text conversations out of Noel Kahn's phone, which I guess she pilfered from his locker while they were snapping wet towels at each other. She comes up with nothing, and puts his phone back... But then Noel Kahn appears in a football uniform. NBD. The other players come in before he can menace and/or tell her other things he finds arousing, and she ducks out pretty smoothly.
Hanna: "This looks like Twin Peaks. It's like that wood-paneled Fiona Apple video that first prefigured what it's like watching this show."
Emily: "Ugh. I'm glad we weren't in this storyline last week, this place is disgusting."
Hanna: "Haven't you ever wondered what gross affluent teenagers and post-dropouts do when they want to act even more self-destructive than usual? Put on some of these gloves, girl. We are digging in."
Emily: "Are you sure we should be here? I feel kinda like a criminal."
Hanna: "Yep, that's the one. Hand me that box of Whip-It canisters so I can comb it for evidence."
REAR WINDOW
Aria and Zack wave at each other, and Ezra presses her to go be friendly with him so that they will have something to hang over Ella's head, should the need arise.
Aria: "I like your Clash t-shirt! I'm super into them."
Zack: "Me too! I don't have much of a personality either."
Aria: "My mom saw them in concert once."
Zack: "How is that... How is that even possible?"
Aria: "She was ten years of age. Precocity runs in our family. Anyway, don't worry about our awkward meeting before. I've never seen my mommy kiss anybody but my daddy, so I acted weird."
Zack: "My parents got divorced when I was fifteen, so I know the feeling. I was really irrational and cockblocky, just like you. Anyway, I think your mom is really great."
Aria: "...Yeah, you do. I can tell in your face. Hmm. Where would you put her, among your many lovers and lady-friends?"
Zack: "I am building a business right now, I don't have time for dating and that mess. I just really like your mom. She's awesome. Funny. I enjoy spending time with her."
Aria: "Oh, so you're pretty much great. Sorry it took me a second to click in to that, but I've never met a normal man before in my entire life. Rosewood represent, haha."
CABIN IN THE WOODS
Hanna: "The only thing worse than being here at night would be being here right now. Having said that, I have just located a secret door behind this bookcase. Let's open it."
There's a scary soiled mattress and a scary wooden bench and somebody's been living there in a scary plaid sleeping bag and in the scary wooden bench is Maya's giant ugly purse! Holy shit!
Hanna: "Why is there a giant knife in her bag, and it's monogrammed 'LJ'? And why does she have a birthday card I gave Alison when she was 14? And why is there a bus ticket for when she ran away the first time?"
Emily: "She never left Rosewood at all? Just was homeless in this stabbin' cabin?"
At this point, things go bonkers. The secret door slams shut -- scary. And then the boarded-up windows all slam shut -- scary -- one by one -- even scarier. That's amazing. This is so amazing! Why is this happening? How is it possible that they're making Maya so tragic and interesting and intriguing all of a sudden?
The Liars scream at their captor, grabbing weapons, but there's no response, and then the bare lightbulb goes off and Emily makes a weird whooping sound.
Meanwhile, Spencer gets an email from a blocked address -- not a thing -- that just says Stay out of my locker! with a gigantic smiley face and the subject line "Is this what you were looking for?" Everything is moving so fast! She opens the attachment, and it's the cabin's security cam footage from the April 12, the night of Maya's death.
MONTGOMERY GIRLS
Aria: "So your coffee date with not-Zack sucked, huh? I think you should focus on Zack. Turns out he's pretty great. And totally into you. Which he told me. And I kind of maybe told him you felt the same way."
Ella: "What!? How could you do this!?"
Aria: "I didn't. At least not onscreen. But he was seriously serious. What am I gonna say, Sorry, get in line while my mom dates half of Rosewood?"
Ella: "Good God, Aria. So wait, what did he say?"
Aria: "I just think you need to lock this down instead of flaking around on him. He's neat."
Ella: "I'm gonna need to move at my own pace, sweetheart. I just got divorced, and Jesus, there a lot of things your father and I should've known about each other when we got married."
Aria: "Ouch!"
Ella: "What is it, sweetie?"
Aria: "I forgot to think about myself for like one second, and then it snuck up on me!"
CABIN
Long story short, the girls scream until they can't scream anymore -- locked in this Jigsaw room that the Kahns apparently have in their summer home -- and eventually whoever it was drives away, but the locked windows are heavy duty, but Emily smashes the glass on one of them, and somehow Hanna cuts her leg open, near the femoral artery, so with one hand Emily tourniquets the leg while with the other bashing open this heavy-duty kidnapper window with her brute lesbian strength, and then carries them and all of Maya's sad kidnapped stuff out into the yard, where A has spray-painted for them I'M SAVING YOU FOR LATER.
Holy moly! That is some serious shit. This show is doing some serious shit. I mean, automatic kidnap room hidden behind the game room we were just in last week? Where captives are kept? And Maya lived in there, maybe, for at least half a season of this show? And came back acting like nothing was wrong, and decorated Emily's room like a fishtank, and acted all dreamy and weird, and made an entire Website Page? That's so fucking fucked! And amazing!
Emily: "Well, under the lights of your house, that's less a cut and more of a stab wound."
Hanna: "I'm not going to the hospital. Ashley's getting too nosy as it is."
Emily: "We'll call Caleb, we need to ask him anyway about what it's like living inside the walls like some kind of animal."
Hanna: "You know we're pretending to be broken up right now! There's only one person with the medical knowledge to deal with this wound in secret. Dr. Wren."
This is the most Noelified, Wrenly episode of all time. Plus did I mention there is a robot murder house. And Paige McCullers looking like Almost Famous. I feel like I'm leaving some stuff out, even. The whole Sylvia Likens deal with Maya, that's really getting to me. I love this! It's so scary and weird!
Wren: "So you just accidentally... Stabbed yourself. And came here instead of a hospital."
Hanna: "Trust me, it's a long story."
Wren: "Good thing I'm no more curious than anyone else on the show when you guys pull this shit. It's like just saying no more questions is a magic spell that causes people to stop asking you questions."
Hanna: "I shoulda just said I got run over."
Wren: "Here are some off-label antibiotics, and a meal I will concoct for you out of what Ashley has provided for her growing child... Eggs, milk and beef. Apparently."
Hanna: "I know you're British and somehow this is going to end up being made of blood and eyeballs, but that is still the sexiest thing ever said in this world. Cook for me, Wren! Just go on and cook for me."
EMILY'S YARD
Cousin Nate: "I wanted to apologize for acting like a fucking psycho stalker at the Brew earlier. I thought it would be appropriate for me to do this by lurking in your yard."
Emily: "I just got eaten by a murder house, so I'm kind of freakouted-out tonight. And like I said, Jenna can go fuck herself."
Cousin Nate: "I don't think it was about her, I think it was just the Maya stuff. I might be going crazy with grief."
Emily: "Me too. Oh, here's her giant ugly purse full of things."
They look at the things, they reminisce, they weep, they kiss. Just a little bit. I dunno, it kinda makes sense -- see above, re: murder house -- but of course Paige walks around the corner at just the wrong moment, goes nuts and starts throwing Chinese food everywhere and then goes on a rampage around the neighborhood knocking over garbage cans.
Emily: "So I guess those millions of times you hit on me by pretending to not be hitting on me were..."
Cousin Nate: "A ruse. Even for Rosewood, I'm kind of everything bad about guys at once."
Emily: "I sure feel gross. Also you are gross. Oh, a text of Paige cancelling our date. I wonder if she just saw the grossness."
LATER
Ezra and Aria are all cuddled hatefully in bed, watching -- of course -- the breakfast scene in Woman Of The Year while being passive-aggressive in their movements, but it's only a matter of time before he comes out with it: He found Maggie, she's alive and well and located in Delaware. (Which is a state, apparently, in the Northeast. I just looked it up.) I hope they find her and she comes to visit and she had the kid after all and the child is older than Aria and she barfs.
SPENCER (HASTINGS, NOT TRACY)
A long night of staring at the footage, as usual, until 10 PM, which is when Maya arrived at the cabin on her bicycle, wearing an A hoodie. I cannot believe they're actually making her a credible sequel to the Alison Thing. Do you know what I mean? I have sort of been ignoring them talking about Maya all the time this season, because Maya sucks and I am glad she's dead, but somehow it really worked. It really led beautifully up to all this, even though I am really confused by the timeline still, because of how they made a big deal about her not going to San Francisco... Okay, got it: We didn't see her again, but she was in Rosewood the whole time -- she didn't just come back and get killed that night, she like... Escaped. Right? (Plus, robot murder house.)
Aria: "Thanks for calling me, Spence. Ezra is the worst. Show me what's on the tape."
Spencer: "Here we have Maya, 10 PM. And your movie theater guy said she got in the car around 9, so Garrett wasn't the last person to see her alive."
BREW
Ella: "Zack, hey. I wanted to stop by and grab you for a drink. And let you down easy."
Zack: "I will ... have that drink now, thanks."
Ella: "I've been seeing other fellas while we were dating. As I thought you were."
Zack: "Hooking up with guys? Not since Eton."
Ella: "You are gorgeous and young and you have a very full life ahead of you, and I've kind of already lived one..."
Zack: "You are barely older than me! Why are you being so weird about this? You're fascinating and smart and sexy and a very rare woman. But I understand that you're dating for the first time in your adult life, and newly divorced..."
Ella: "I like you a lot, which is weird at this point in my life."
Zack: "I'm not asking you to move in -- I already have little boys upstairs pretending to be contractors, not to mention the robot murder room in the basement -- but I thank you for allowing me to chill in your presence."
Some very wise words from a very old friend come to mind.
Justin Bobby: "Well, you like me, and that's why we have these issues. So we have a choice. We can choose to either say peace and kick rocks and be acquaintances, or we can be cool with each other and enjoy the company, and have fun when we go out and do things and not let the bullshit get in the way. But if we look beyond it and we're just cool..."
Audrina: "So do you just want to look beyond it?"
Justin Bobby: "I've already looked beyond it. I take you for who you are, and the person you are, and the heart that you have, and I don't let anybody interfere with that. I think truth in time tells all."
I try to live by those words every day of my life. I don't know what they mean, really, but I do try.
Anyway, Zack and Ella do it on the floor of the coffee shop, and it is very awesome, because somewhere in his youth or childhood, Zack definitely must have done something good.
MARIN/WREN
Hanna and Wren nearly make out like seven times. Somehow she's able to let him leave. Maybe the glass also went into her brain.
SWIM PRACTICE
Emily: "Feeling any better? Since you ditched me last night for phantom sickness?"
Paige: "Yeah, it just kind of kicked up. What or whom did you end up doing?"
Emily: "Cousin Nate came by. It got weird."
Paige: "Weird how, like an automatic murder room, or..."
Emily: "I, uh, I think maybe he had been roofied..."
Paige: "Ah. Playing that card, are we? Pretty fuckin' slick, Fields."
LIARS CLUB
Spencer: "Oh, and check out what else I found on that video. Noel and Jenna making out in the yard."
Aria: "Gross me out."
Hanna: "Wait, so they were still dating at that point?"
Aria: "Um, and he was still under the impression her ass was blind?"
Spencer: "Point being, Jenna and Noel Kahn go inside -- with him making a creepy face as they go -- and then... Maya comes running out of the side of the frame, looking terrified, and somebody grabs her."
Aria: "Wait, so Noel Kahn and Jenna are in the cabin, and... That means Garrett came back?"
Spencer: "No, this is at 11:15 and he got nicked at midnight in my kitchen. None of them did it!"
So... The ultimate Maya-killer is still at large. Noel Kahn and Jenna were not the final abductors of Emily, although Noel Kahn does have a robot murder house the Liars don't seem to find that interesting, and Garrett is off the hook. Man, I am just tired at this point.
A-TAG
A hangs up a bunch of A hoodies, but is so bored by the news about Garrett's trial that she turns the channel to Wheel Of Fortune. Insanity.
TWO WEEKS
Last episodes of the summer! Two weeks to go until #thebetrAyal, with Paige all suspicious and even Jenna worried about Emily continuing to spend time around super-sketch Cousin Nate. Possibly more Noel Kahn, possibly more of his robot murder house, definitely more talking about him all the time. I just don't even know what to think. I just merely love it!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.