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Hoo! Okay, Emily spends the entire episode watching Maya's website videos and it's pretty sad, but since everybody is now fully on track for finding justice for Maya -- which apparently we will, by the end of the month -- it feels a little less draggy and Emily Stasis than usual. Plus now you got date-rapey party-crashy girl-drowny bike-spinny Walking Calamity Paige McCullers up your shirt, drama will most certainly follow of some kind or another.
Ashley's working out her virgin/whore dichotomy with the help of Ted, which is a pleasant surprise. I guess Ella scared him into realizing that Ashley is his only option if he wants to eat ice cream his way. Hanna gets a message from A about Caleb that is clearly from Caleb, runs to save Caleb from Caleb, and ends up getting a big ol' smooch about it. They discuss whether or not Caleb is actually ready for A's jelly, and after declaring several times that he is, he gets the main thing from Hanna about how A tried to kill his mom. More smooching.
Ezra's little brother Wesley shows up, pissed that Ezra sold his Jaguar to pay for Ezria Love Raman, and then after the wonderful party about which I am about to tell you, he shows up to drive Aria home in Ezra's place and tells her about this one hilarious time when Ezra knocked a girl up and Diane paid her off to skedaddle. One hopes that the story does not end there, and in fact Diane is still keeping the girl in a farmhouse somewhere, or that at least she's paid a similar sum to Jackie Morales to never come back to Rosewood or this show. Anyway, Aria is very funny when you let her be and this episode is no exception, Wesley is a cutie, and Ezra's evil one-percenter East Coast dynastic aristocratic problem family's still maybe the best thing this show's got going on.
The bulk of it, though, comes down to the underground circuit party that Holden and Maya both show evidence of having attended. Spencer forgets to apply to college, you see, so CeCe -- Crazy old CeCe! She's like the girl Noel Kahn! -- out of nowhere is like, "UPenn Admissions advisors -- as well as Holden and Maya and Jenna -- often attend secret sex parties out at the old Kahn Family Cabin, did you not know that?" No, we did not know that. We could have probably intuited it, but we did not know for sure.
Noel Kahn's little brother Eric is twisted in the same wonderful way as his brother, so there's a whole host of gates and hoops and things for Spence and Aria to deal with before they can get down into a basement to yell at Noel and Jenna, their two favorite things in all the world to do.
Round One is CeCe being spooky and not so informative, and possibly being a part of the various many conspiracies. Then later on she fucks Noel Kahn's little brother out of nowhere, because she wasn't already awesome enough. She seems to have gotten Spencer's UPenn application admitted early, just as promised, but probably this is a lie and she has actually submitted Spencer's early admissions applications to Hell or for a summer program being a Nigerian pirate or something.
Round Two is Noel Kahn and Aria yelling at each other in a sexy dance of death which is also not so informative. Is Aria fucking a grown-up man-child? Truth: Yes. Is Noel Kahn still the most wonderful thing on this wonderful show? Truth: You already know this truth, in your heart. Is Noel Kahn involved in any of the forty-five fucked up things going on? Truth: Maybe.
Round Three is Spencer and Jenna being creeps at each other. Is Spencer ever going to give Jenna her videos of her raping her brother, or maybe some other video we don't know about? Truth: One of these days. Did Jenna really find Emily wandering around the streets That Night? Truth: NO! In fact, she found her in the diner where the people are from the past. Hmm.
A-Tag continues the thrilling saga of A v. Real Estate Rentals, and the #betrAyal is now just three weeks away. XOXO.
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PREVIOUSLY
Holden showed Emily a rave rubberstamp that could hold clues to both That Night and Maya's death. Hanna broke up with Caleb, saved Mona from being moved out of town, and kissed Wren, but is still possibly on the hook for a blood test. A strange Alison doppelganger showed up, sending Jason over the edge. Ashley's got a new man, Caleb helped Spencer break into Maya's Website Page after Toby freaked out on her, and Ezra's mom is a holy terror who tried to bribe Aria to split. Oh, and Noel Kahn is dating Jenna Marshall, which is terrifying.
REAR WINDOW
Aria: "Spencer! Don't you know about how Alison was murdered and they dug up her body, and Maya was killed? Have you heard about this 'A'? It's all very exciting."
Spencer: "I am so over that. I am over mysteries and lies."
Aria: "But look, a stamp on Maya's dead wrist! I have a picture on my phone that matches the stamp Emily remembers from That Night she can't remember, and also from Holden that time at a church!"
Spencer: "Check it. I am burnt out. I'm burnt. Five days ago, I literally forgot to apply to college."
Aria: "Pssh. Missing early admissions is not the same thing. It's fine. You're Spencer."
Spencer: "I found this stamped packet of admissions shit underneath an AP French book and some Physics homework. On which I got a B, Montgomery. A B!"
Cece: "Morning, ladies! Who's applying to UPenn, in bedraggled fashion?"
Spencer: "Not me. Not anymore. For I am no better than Toby Cavanaugh now. Suited only to haunt yards and make faces with my hair going straight up."
Cece: "Please, I got into UPenn, despite my busy schedule of arms smuggling and dodging white slavery charges, and I'm not even a Hastings. As far as I know."
Spencer: "You went to UPenn? And now you work retail? Please, tell me more."
Cece: "Well, I am going to a drug rave of kidnappers later, I think my friend Steven from Admissions is gonna be there..."
Spencer stares a hole into Cece soul. It's amazing. Cece waits for her to stop, and Aria gives her a little nod of the head: It's not going to stop. It's never going to stop. Welcome to Spencer Hastings. "Can't Stop Won't Stop" is on her family crest. If the Hastings were on Game Of Thrones their flag would just be a picture of somebody not stopping, ever.
Cece: "Uh. Okay, I think you'll be a good fit for UPenn actually. Because you are scarin' me to death right now. Meet me at seven outside my boutique. Do not bring these Crazy Eyes of yours."
EGO POSSUNT NON PROHIBERE EGO NON PROHIBERE
Cops: "Ashley, welcome back to the States or from space or whatever has been going on this last month. How is your wine?"
Ashley: "Tasty and cheap, my dear. How can I make your day brighter?"
Cops: "Bring your daughter in so we can charge her with bleeding on an anklet. You've got five days."
Ring-ring.
Ashley: "Could you have Veronica Hastings call me at her earliest convenience? Regarding that thing she's obviously been going to fuck up the whole time I was out of town, and how she done fucked it up. Yeah, I'll be at this number. Gettin' cronk."
DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER
Caleb approaches Hanna to give her -- unnecessarily, methinks -- new login info for Maya's Website Page. They shoot random romance rays at each other and it's heartbreaking and goes on for a long, sad time. His mom's better; Hanna's as well as usual, which is to say not at all. Hope rises and is dashed; sad guitar. Oh, see Wren had me all spun but now I remember that they belong together forever and ever. I forgot for just a second, because ... Wren.
Spencer: "And as he's walking away, A sends you this text about how Caleb is going to die unless you meet her at the Apple Rose Grill at closing time. I wonder what's there?"
Hanna: "A's takeout. Me. Death. I figure it's because I saved Mona with the magic of my words."
Spencer: "Old Wren. How's Mona doin', did he say anything?"
Hanna: "Well he certainly didn't stand there and let me, a teen, kiss him. That's for sure."
Spencer: "Well, you ain't going. And I know what you're going to say, if it were Toby I would go there in a second, but the truth is, that's not even really as true as we pretend it is."
Hanna: "Okay, I promise. Not to tell you that I am totally going. Obviously."
Spencer: "I guess he's not even in town anyway, or something. I'm at sixes and sevens today, to be honest."
A FAREWELL TO HEMINGERALD
Aria, wearing a cropped shirt of a skeleton's ribcage because she is Aria, listens outside while tiny little men have a tiny little fight.
Wesley: "You can't pretend this isn't happening!"
Ezra: "You have no idea what I can pretend isn't happening."
Wesley: "It's great that you have principles, but you're only hurting yourself. And a young girl. And your family! Dude, don't be an idiot! Take the offer!"
Ezra: "That's it, young man. You're going out into the hallway!"
Wesley: "...Dude, a skeleton! Are you Aria, dude? Dude, introduce me!"
Ezra: "Dude, keep walking."
Aria: "Who was that? He looked like a person that would be on a show on ABC Family."
Ezra: "You know that expensive car I sold and didn't tell you about, so you took on an after-school job to pay for my pretentious habits?"
Aria: "I don't really pay attention..."
Ezra: "Well, I stole it. It was kind of Wesley's because I defaulted my inheritance and un-Geralded myself. So now I have to borrow money from Diane to buy it back..."
Aria: "Hey, that reminds me. How much did your mom offer you to dump me?"
Ezra: "...She is always doin' that!"
Aria: "I don't mind, I just want to know what I'm worth."
Ezra: "Good Lord. Anyway, now she's all about how it's sentimental and I have to..."
Aria: "Enough. Back to Aria. Dollar amount. Now. Wait, no. Express it in feathers and pelts, the economy I understand."
PICTURES OF YOU
Emily: "Hey Hanna, why don't you tell me what's really going on?"
Hanna: "Oh, right. Well, we broke into Maya's Website Page and have been looking at all your intimate moments."
Emily: "That's super creepy."
Hanna: "Yeah, I know, but we just couldn't stop. And then I wanted to tell you, but you and Paige are doing so well, I mean, she hasn't tried to kill you in almost a month, and you haven't roofied her or dug up any graves..."
Emily: "You know how the only thing that really freaks me out is being lied to?"
Hanna: "Yeah."
Emily: "And how I only get pissed when you guys keep crucial shit away from me?"
Hanna: "Yeah, but..."
Emily: "-- And how this is my personal shit you're hiding from me?"
Hanna: "Valid. Here's that login info Caleb unnecessarily gave me. Do you want me to investigate this with you?"
Emily: "I was planning on more of an emotional shitstorm I could explore on my own. Very drunk, and very alone. The Canadian way."
RANDOM TED
Ted: "Ashley! It's nice to see you, because internet dating did not work out."
Ashley: "I was just roaming around town in the middle of the day, wondering why my daughter is always bleeding on things."
Ted: "Do you want to go out on a date?"
Ashley: "Coffee, sure. No ice cream, though. I've been told about your ... ways."
SPENCER'S BOWER
Spencer: "Move your tiny cute ass so I can continue to OCD myself into an early grave."
Aria, verbatim: "I'm kind of lying here despondently right now, Spence."
Spencer: "Sit despondently instead."
Aria: "No! Lying is more despondent."
Spencer: "Trust me, you can do anything despondently. I've seen Toby Cavanaugh do at least sixteen things despondently exactly where you are right now lying."
Spencer: Asks Aria Montgomery for fashion advice, first of all.
Aria: Has zero fucking qualms. Even Hanna would tell you, "I'm not the best person to ask as far as the best way to drive from Point A to Point B, given my constant crashing of all vehicles," but Aria? Go right ahead. Feel free.
Spencer and Aria discuss fashion! Herr Kommandant and Rima the Bird Girl, just talkin' truth about duds. At one point Spencer is called upon to identify her two "most collegiate-looking blazers." Aria suggests that she try wearing pants as a shirt and attend the party as an upside-down college student, with shoes on her hands. Spencer points wordlessly at Aria's outfit of a skellington, and then muses on perhaps dressing as a British Airways stewardess from the waist up, and everything else is just veiled in black netting, except for some Pilgrim shoes with huge buckles. Somebody stop them.
Spencer: "Well, thanks for coming to this awesome party with me."
Aria: "You mean you weren't looking forward to tagging along with a random 22-year-old psychopath?"
Spencer: "She's not random, she's Ali's older, gorgeous, very well-connected friend who we have never heard of before."
Aria: "Isn't this show crazy? I mean, reality would tell you that Alison would dangle that bitch in front of us like a pair of diamond earrings. Like actually get us all to meet somewhere and then be like, Something's come up! and make us watch her get in a car with this chick. It's mysterious."
It is, Aria. It is mysterious. But what's really mysterious is that the show even bothered to have you guys point that out. Normally it would totally act the same Alison way and be like, "Oh, you don't remember Cece? Here's a flashback where she held an entire schoolbus of third-graders hostage for nearly 72 hours, did we not mention that?"
Spencer: "Enough about my life and my entire future. Let's discuss Ezra."
Aria: "That bitch just left me standing there! All but kicked me out of his garrett!"
Spencer: "Look. If you ever need advice on insane WASP asshole protocol, you come to me. I don't know why I even have to tell you this."
"I get it, okay? My Nana once offered me $200 to shave my father's sideburns in his sleep. Apparently they were an affront to his upbringing. He still has a scar really close to his ear."
Aria is shocked that Spencer -- Spencer Hastings, okay, the girl who would do it for free if she felt like it -- could possibly be bought off this way. All I know is, that is my favorite scene of this season so far.
THE KAHBIN IN THE WOODS
Spencer: "Must be weird coming to some random party in Rosewood. From what I can tell, everybody in your graduating class was either a rapist, a Peeping Tom, a snuff film addict, a druggie, or a panderer who sold out their nubile young friends for cash. Even without knowing anything, I know there are like five cults in your graduating class."
Cece: "I know! And why won't Jason call me?"
Spencer: "Watch it. He's going through a rough patch."
Aria: "Hey, this place looks familiar. Isn't it... Spencer, this is Noel Kahn's cabin. We are in trouble deep."
Cece: "Eric's little brother? You know him?"
I don't know what I was expecting of Noel Kahn's big brother. Like, if Noel Kahn is -- just for analogy's sake -- the Pikachu of sex, shooting sinister sex rays everywhere and strumming his guitar in the rain and going skinnydipping with the absolute craziest girls he can find... What, what, what kind of a sex Raichu is in store for us with this Eric? What is above Threat Level Dennis, on the Menace Scale? What's more Noel Kahn than Noel Kahn? I can't think of it. It's a wall you drive into, like you're Hanna. There is no level, because Noel Kahn's entire purpose is being the misogyny face of the weird and terrifying sexuality of this show. Like if this show were Congress, Noel Khan is the Paul Ryan.
So then I thought, well, what about if Noel Kahn was in the NAT Club, transform it that way, because their entire cohort -- Melissa, Ian, et. al, -- is us but grosser, which is why Alison and Jenna are the only ones privileged to know them personally. Alison and Jenna are the Mercutios that balance out the generations. But that got so scary so fast I had to stop thinking about it immediately. You win this one, imagination.
Cece: "So does douchebaggery run in the family?"
Aria: "Man, I hope Noel's not here. At this party he's hosting."
Spencer: "Um, what Aria means is essentially that they used to date."
Aria: "Not exactly... Okay, close enough. Bit of a reach, but a useful enough gloss on the awful reality of our lives."
To Doorman: "I'm Cece Drake! And you are nothing! These are my friends! You will stamp us!"
Aria: "Holden got into this party? Fuckin' Maya got into this party?"
Spencer: "I know, right? Like why would Maya St. Germain be hanging out with these college-aged..."
Aria: "-- Maybe she was a chaperone."
Spencer: "Or their Timothy Leary."
Cece: "Shut up and give me that admissions packet. You have to do this with some kind of grace."
Aria: "Spencer Hastings, playing it cool? I would pay an entire semester's tuition out of my own pocket to see something that effed up."
"THAT NIGHT" BUT NOT THAT "THAT NIGHT"
Maya: Reads a poem, again focusing on Time, note, ironically entitled "That Night."
Emily: Cries, strokes the screen. Emilys out all over everything.
Dire moments, last goodbyes
Your kisses dance like fireflies
I'm gone tonight to a dark unseen
A wish to take your light with me
You were my first, but it won't be our last
Time travels till it's in the past
You'd think our love was some thickening plot
They don't know that it's all we've got
Emily: "Jejune, with a slavish devotion to the rhyme scheme that practically voids its meaning altogether. C-."
Just kidding! She cries more, obviously.
GAME ROOM BASEMENT
Cece: "Eric's main thing is Truth Or Dare. Pay no attention to the half-naked people wandering around, that'll make more sense later."
Eric: "Cece, you old so-and-so. Back from the dead!"
Cece: "I hate you, in a sexy way."
Eric: "You brought little girls!"
Cece, verbatim: "These are my ducklings, so play nice."
Eric, amazingly verbatim: "You're mean when you're cute."
The rule is, you have to play to stay. Cece will go first -- after comforting Aria and Ezra about the Admissions guy and the underage drinking; "No one's gonna narc on you, I've seen cops do way worse in this room" -- and then sits down to play a round of Eric's game, which is like Truth Or Dare except there are no Dares, so it's just Truth or More Truth. Alison's Promised Land.
Eric: "Get caught in a lie, it's sayonara, sweetheart."
Cece: "This ain't my first rodeo, chum."
Eric: "Last night on earth, who in this room do you sleep with?"
Cece: "[Some guy in the shadows named] Suraci [?]. No one deserves to die a virgin."
Suraci: "Touché, Cece Drake."
A PARMESAN VACATION
Ashley: "Where are you going? I was about to make chicken parm."
Hanna: "I have to go get murdered at the Grille, sorry. Hey, wait. You only cook when things are afoot."
Ashley: "They're coming for your blood, little girl."
Hanna: "Damn that Veronica Hastings. Anyway, later. Werewolf to save."
Ashley: "Good thing that chicken parmesan maneuver scared her off. Now to call Pastor Ted and see what sex is like sober. I have not heard great things, to be honest."
TRUTH OR TRUTH
Eric: "Truth is, that is a dumb question because you know I got arrested because you dared me to steal a car last time we played this game, and then called the cops on me yourself."
Liars: "That is very Alison. We are in love with Cece Drake, even more than before."
Eric: "Ever make a sex tape?"
Cece: "Yeah, obviously."
Aria: "We need to get the fuck out of here. These people are maniacs."
Something subtle in the air or the lighting reveals that things have become awesome.
Spencer: "Oh, man. Noel and Jenna just walked in. We are not going anywhere."
Noel Kahn: "Ladies. Why the hell are you in my cabin?"
Jenna: "Hey, Spencer. You're looking like a bitch today."
Spencer: "Thanks, Jenna. Nice eyeballs."
Noel Kahn: "Thanks. How about we play a game of Truth Or Truth where everybody acts like villainous lunatics, instead of having a normal conversation?"
Aria: "Fine by me, I got tons of questions, such as Why are you so awesome? Why do you only date crazy girls and what does that say about me? Do you know parkour? Where do you go when you're not on this show, and how can I find it? Do you remember that time you played guitar that time, because that was amazing. And other such things."
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN'T LOITER AT THE APPLEWOOD GRILLE
Nobody's around, just Hanna waiting to get assaulted as usual, with her kinky hair looking very cute. Caleb rolls on up on her, and she flaps her arms to scare him away, and then he's like, "Duh, I'm obviously A. Get in my car." Every line of dialogue, just assume Hanna's jumping out of the car and running around like a freak.
Hanna: "You're A? Son of a... Oh, you just mean you texted me. Well, A is going to see us sitting together, and then we're going to die. So."
Caleb: "All I know is that you came here to get murdered, so I wouldn't get hurt. There's another A, possibly an A-Team, and you..."
Hanna: "-- Caleb, you don't even know what you're talking about. This is a person who dug up a grave and robbed it, killed Maya, ran your mom off the road..."
Caleb: "Hold up, what?"
Hanna: "Yeah, flew to Montecito and tried to kill her, just to freak me out. You didn't think I'd just randomly dump you, did you? It was a torture scheme."
Caleb: "My self-esteem needed to hear that, Marin. Thank you."
How funny if she'd flaked or bonked her head or something on the way there, and then he'd have to be like, "Well, I guess she's cool with me getting murdered."
KAHN - MONTGOMERY
Noel Kahn: "Where'd you meet your current boyfriend?"
Aria: "At a bar. Did you ever invite Maya St. Germain to any of these parties?"
Noel Kahn: "Let's not speak ill of the elderly and deceased. This game is more like... Um, a game. Like you could ask me how many people I've fu..."
Spencer: "-- Answer it."
Noel Kahn: "She had an open invite. Ever sleep with a teacher?"
Aria: "Actually, no."
Noel Kahn: "Bullshit."
Aria: "Trust me, if you knew the whole story with that shit, you'd go home and cry right now."
Aria: "How'd you know Maya?"
Noel Kahn: "Hot new lesbian in the murder house? Everybody did. Now, did you ever frame me for stealing midterms answers? To your boyf..."
Aria: "-- Again, that wasn't me. Incredible that even this game within the show is treating me with the kid gloves due a Shusher. Where were you when they dug up Ali's grave?"
Noel Kahn: "Gross, and for real? And I don't even know when that..."
Spencer: "The Friday before Labor Day. The high temperature and barometric pressure that day were..."
Eric: "-- He was here, actually. He was here, and then [gestures toward Jenna with a sort of 'that sea creature there' gesture] showed up..."
Jenna: "You understand that I can see now, right?"
Noel Kahn: "Eric, you're a dick. Aria, tell us your boyfriend's name and curriculum vitae."
Jenna: "It's funny to watch you twist, but trust me that we all know the answer anyway, ya whore."
Eric: "And time!"
Spencer: "I call Marshall. Fucking immediately."
HALLOWEEN YARD? A YARD SOMEWHERE
Aria: "Sassinfrassin' Noel Kahn gonna step to me and give me some shit about Hurr hurr hurr We know what you did last summer well not me, kid, not this time. Not tonight, you goddamn..."
Spencer: "Aria, chill. It's just Noel Kahn. He was put on this earth for that reason, don't let 'em see you..."
Aria: "No way, I'm calling Ezra."
Cece: "Man, they were dicks in there! It is such fun, I missed it. Listen, Aria? You're way cuter than Jenna. You know, in the universe where this is about bitches fighting over a man, a thing that has never once happened on this show, ever, because it is great."
Spencer: "I am taking that no-longer-blind beast down."
Cece: "Better get back in there, then. I heard her say she had somewhere to be. Somewhere eeeevil, I think."
FT HEMINGFITZ
Wesley: "Ezraway Hemingfitz's phone, who's calling?"
Aria: "Um, why are you in his house and answering his phone, because I need Actual Ezra? Noel Kahn just gave me the full Noel Kahn and I am Noel Kahned out."
Wesley: "Well, Ezraway is off on some kind of Jaguar emergency. You need a ride?"
WINE WITH TED
Ted: "I'm not bragging, I just rescued a raccoon with a broken leg. It's a funny story."
Ashley: "I wouldn't ever do something like that, though. Gross me out."
Ted: "I was an idiot. That raccoon had rabies!"
Ashley: "It's like our relationship in the form of a story."
(Wilden calls, of course, because God forbid. God forbid Ashley get one nice night.)
Ashley: "Wilden, stop calling me and stop bugging my daughter. I am getting a hot pastor liquored up, and not only am I very busy with that, also I love my daughter."
HASTINGS - MARSHALL
Jenna: "Noel Kahn, you will not allow Spencer Hastings to bully me again. Ever."
Noel Kahn: "You saying there's nothing you have to ask her? This could be our one chance to be super vague while she's also being super vague, and everybody makes faces. When will have the chance to do that again? It's not like I go to school anymore."
Spencer: "So are you leaving, or what?"
Jenna: "Noel Kahn is right. I have questions for you. Let's do this shit."
MORE EMILY CRYING
"I think Emily has got a very old soul. I feel it when I kiss her. I can hear clocks all over the world running backwards. If reincarnation exists, then Emily was once Cleopatra. Actually, no, I think she proves reincarnation exists. You can definitely trace her back to the pyramids..."
I guess they edited out the part where Maya just admits that she is stoned as fuck. Anyway, Paige interrupts Emily's reverie, for some reason.
HASTINGS - MARSHALL, NOW IN EARNEST
Jenna: "Why is Veronica defending Garrett, a murderer of girls?"
Spencer: "She thinks he's innocent, so I guess maybe Maya's murderer is still at large. And maybe it is y'all."
Jenna: "You don't think it could be because he dumped me for Melissa?"
Spencer: "What I think is, wait your goddamn turn. So Noel Kahn was with you when you kidnapped Emily? What else did you lie about?"
Jenna: "Mutually Assured Destruction, okay? Cold War. You promised me something the day I told you about Emily. Are you gonna keep that promise?"
Spencer: "Fuck you, where'd you find her?"
Noel: "Drunk at that diner where it is from the past."
Spencer: "So you lied about that, too."
Jenna: "She was drunk as hell, though. Did you do that?"
Spencer: "No, did you?"
Jenna: "I didn't roofie her, I just lied about that part to... Protect someone. Like how you lied that you were out of town That Night. Truth, Where is the video?"
Spencer: "There are lots of videos, sweetie."
Jenna: "Don't get cute with me now."
Spencer: "It's safe. Tell me where Ali's corpse is, and you can have all the damn videos you want..."
The watchkeeper calls time right then, and Jenna grins meanly.
OUTSIDE, BEING LAME
Aria: "Ezra! These minutes without you have seemed like ye... Wait, Wes? First you take his phone, then you take his car... What's ?"
Wes: "Gross. And we're stopping at Taco Bell."
THE ALLEY BEHIND THE APPLEWOOD GRILLE
Caleb: "So now that we cracked Maya's Website Page we can figure out who killed her, and then that will lead us to A, and then we'll know about the Red Qu..."
Hanna: "Don't revisit, we'll be here all night. And you are pretty, but you're not that little. You are not an Honorary Liar. That's just another word for snitch, and snitches get stitches in this game."
Caleb: "It's going to be somebody close to you, that's why the summer finale is hashtagged #betrAyal. It's gonna be the Mona thing all over again..."
Hanna: "From which I have still not recovered! Listen, I have missed you so much it's made me do stupid things! Crazy things!"
Caleb, verbatim: "Hanna, you're talking to the guy who just kidnapped his own girlfriend."
Hanna: "Yeah, but you didn't kiss Wren. ...Wait, did you? Pics or it didn't happen."
Caleb: "Remember how Toby said he was going to take A down all by himself, and then stomped around in his weird, cute little way? And you know he was going to be murdered? Same thing here."
Hanna: "All these boys, trying to fix our problems for us and tell us what to do. Interesting. I see that working out real fuckin' well for everybody."
Caleb: "Shut up and let's have sex in this gross alley behind the Applewood Grille."
Hanna: "Done and done."
HASTINGS - HASTINGS, AS EVER & ALWAYS
Cece: "That was good no-strings-attached sex doing, Eric! You learned to do it all the different ways since last we had our brand of creepy soulless trustfund sex."
Eric: "That's... A fairly accurate assessment."
Spencer: "Cece, where the fuck were you?"
Cece: "Riding the Long Kahn, like everybody should at least once. Why are you sweating everywhere? You look like a teenager at a postgrad swinger party for the dead inside."
Spencer: "I feel like this is an elaborate scheme to 'get' me somehow. Why I think that is, my entire life to date. There's not even a UPenn guy, is there?"
Cece: "After your Jenna showdown -- which by the way was entirely in code and super boring for everybody except you three and the people that watch this show -- he came by for a sec. We talked about how great you are, and I solved everything."
Spencer: "Oh, okay. That checks out. I'm looking forward to matriculating there, then."
Cece: "Two down."
Spencer: "What was that?"
Cece: "Nothing. Let's bounce, if that's what you want."
ASHLEY MARIN DATING NOSEDIVE #3142
Ashley: "Thanks so much, Veronica. If you could actually fucking do what you've been promising for a month to do, I'd be ever so grateful. Love to your broken family."
Pastor Ted is whistling some sort of spiritual while he cleans Ashley's kitchen, because he is the sexiest person on the entire planet who has ever existed.
Ashley: "Man, my life is nonstop drama. Kids bleedin', pastors cleanin'..."
Pastor Ted: "I figured it wasn't your divorce attorney, given that you were talking about children's blood and it's the middle of the night and we're on a date."
Ashley: "This deranged cop wants to get Hanna in trouble for something she couldn't possibly have done, but he's already decided she's a criminal, so who cares about probable cause? Oh, you know him. You're buds. I'm leaving that part out."
Pastor Ted: "That last of the many phone calls you just made in the middle of our date sounded positive, though."
Ashley: "Thank God, right?"
(...Ooops.)
Pastor Ted: "That guilty look about the Lord's name, I have seen it before. Oh, right! When you ditched me at that church social, for the rummage sale that's about to start up again tomorrow, was that because you thought I was going to judge you?"
Ashley: "I'm a crunchy nutbar, Ted. I am ten pounds of nuts in a shapely five-pound bag."
Pastor Ted: "No doubt. But you really shouldn't prejudge me as a prejudger. When they ordained me they didn't take my sense of normalcy. Or my dick."
Ashley: "For the record, I am ready and willing to do both."
Pastor Ted: "Then I got your probable cause right here."
They do it in the soft light of a million sexy candles. Say what you will about her negotiation tactics, but Ashley Marin can close a deal.
FERMINGHAM EZRAGERALD, CAR OF
Wesley: "You're being really weird and hostile, I don't get it."
Aria: "Did you even tell Ezra that I called, or just..."
Wesley: "He never would have showed! He didn't have his phone, I was helping..."
Aria: "-- Like you're helping him with the car and that nonsense?"
Wesley: "I get it. We seem weird, and dysfunctional..."
Aria: "Bitch, I invented dysfunctional. You people are outright hostile. You will buy and sell a motherfucker..."
Wesley: "So he told you about Maggie. Huh. I only found out about it lately."
The Maggie Deal is that Ezra knocked her up -- this was before any of us were born, because he is an old child molester -- and Diane bought her off. It's not that complicated, but Aria needs it explained to her like a million times, because OMG. Ezra's got swimmers. And I'm so sure Maggie actually got an abortion -- you can actually hear them say "abortion" in this scene, but you have to be standing in Canada and listening very, very closely, like you would need bat hearing -- and finally Aria's like, "Well, ain't that a pisser," and then yells at him to drive faster. Sounds just like his mom for a sec! Weirdly, he's into it.
BUSY BUSY BUSINESSWOMEN HAVE A FRANK TALK ABOUT BUTTS
Emily: "Sorry I'm in such a state, but I was watching endless videos of my dead girlfriend talking utter and complete nonsense. And then you walk in here dressed like the Mayor of a small town in a Western, even though it's the middle of the night..."
Paige: "My grandfather passed away when I was fifteen. Whatever they tell you, I had nothin' to do with it. He had this outrageous sense of humor. So last spring, my mom was cleaning out the basement -- sometimes she does things without asking permission first, it gives her a sense of control in our otherwise micromanaged existence -- and she found this old home video. My dad had bought her a camcorder for Christmas -- this would have been about 1982, right around when Maya St. Germain was getting her Bachelor's -- and everyone was passing it around and being silly, and by the time it got to my grandpa Allan... He just mooned the camera! We're talking 70-year-old-man-butt, full frame, and there was a tattoo. It was a tulip."
They laugh. Butts! If Spencer had been there she would have been like, "Tattoos are an affront to your upbringing," and then waited until he was asleep. Actually, I bet that tulip tattoo is going to mean something someday. "Butt tattoos of a tulip were the insignia of the original NAT Club founded in the 1880s! This shit goes all the way to the top!"
Paige: "Anyway. Sometimes it's like... His butt is still here. Somewhere. That butt is still with me. So I get it."
Emily, nestled: "Paige? How did your grandfather feel about ... the elements?"
EZRALUNDERFORD FITZINGSON
Ezra: "Hey, Aria! I left my phone in the house..."
Aria: "I know. Also, what the fuck about Maggie?"
Ezra: "Go inside and stop asking me things."
Aria: "No, girl. That is not how this goes."
The Maggie Deal, Part II. It was the summer after graduation, not actually in high school. He went to Diane because he was so scared and Maggie was so scared, and Diane was like, "I'll handle it." And they never found all the pieces of Maggie, but Diane wasn't exactly lying.
Ezra: "I was going to go to Vassar, but then that suddenly became too close to home. Because of all the sexual dysfunction that is there. So I transferred to Hollis. and became a Fitz."
Aria: "And Maggie?"
Ezra: "Food for the worms. Come inside."
Aria: "Fine."
AGONY/ECSTASY/TOBY
Spencer, crying: "Hey. Um... I just called to say I miss you. I'm worried about you, and... I just really miss you."
Yeah, we're all real worried about Toby. At least until UPenn emails -- at midnight -- to thank her for her on-time early admission. Could be a lie, maybe it's real. Either way it dries those tears right up.
A-TAG
She stares at the lady, her dog, the little doggie figurines on the desk, and then gets her new apartment. Apartment A, of course. That's my girl.
WEEK
Three more episodes 'til we're done. Something happens in a barn, and Hanna acts kooky. The world will be a little colder, a little darker, sure. That's the price of Noel Kahn. It's like that story where the sun only comes out once every seven years, only with Noel Kahn and we're not on Venus. Our time with him is precious, don't waste it on regret. Just know that somewhere, he and Jenna are doing things. Dark things, that we don't have words for in our merely human language. And that he'll be back for us again, eventually.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.