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Hold onto your ass, because I'm only going to say this once: Aria and Ezra, separately and as a couple, owned this episode. And that's not even the most fucked up thing that happened. Easy ones first.
Spencer and Caleb crack the password on Maya's website, revealing a lot of regulation Maya nonsense and also a scary video of her in the woods talking about scary things and then getting snagged by cops, the NAT Club, or something else that flashes red.
Oh, Spencer also gets a visit from Toby, who is just completely off the chain at this point, tearin' around with his hair all crazy, throwing actual "talk to the hand" hands at Hanna. I mean he's out of his damned mind after this Jason thing. It was spectacular.
Meanwhile, Hanna and Wren work to keep Mona from being transferred to upstate New York -- apparently freaking out on werewolves and smuggling roofies to stump-kickers is frowned upon -- and Hanna's heartfelt speech pulls it off. Then, because Wren's nonstop amazing face is close enough to kiss, she kisses him, like any normal human being would do, and they both react very Britishly and it's awesome. But I presume this is only happening because Caleb's back in the picture, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
The deal with Aria is that... okay, at some point they find Veronica's witness list and Aria randomly runs into this one guy on it, who saw Maya get in Garrett's cop car the night she died -- which I have no idea what night that was at this point because maybe she was just sitting around decomposing in her backyard for a minute -- but whatever, that's not the crazy part.
The crazy part is, Ezra's mom shows up in town and she is a bitch and she is from money. And, in fact, Ezra is from money and his real name is FitzGerald No Relation, so a li'l bit of his angst about money stops making total sense?
But then really, his whole personality makes a thousand times more sense now that we know all of this.
Mom takes Aria aside, calls her a bohemian and all kinds of things, reveals she knows the Montgomery Secrets, and then offers to buy Aria off so they'll break up and she can stop ruining his life at every turn. Even Byron has to admit that this is a harsh view and there's a sweet hug. With Byron Montgomery. It was bonkers, the whole thing was bonkers.
BUT.
Not as bonkers as Emily's shitshow of a storyline this week, which involved her chasing Paige all over town to apologize for roofying her that time and Paige running around tipping over bicycles and whatnot, generally Paiging it up and finally Emily explains the situation of That Night and how she got roofied her own self and Paige is like, This is so embarrassing but since you brought it up, I totally sexually assaulted you that night. My bad.
Emily hangs out somewhere dumb with Cousin Nate -- who is clearly a bad guy, for real this time -- and then hangs out with him some more and you're like, "If she goes straight for dumb evil Cousin Nate..." but instead what happens is she's like:
Emily: "Cousin Nate, what if you got roofied and then showed up at a crazy girl's house who has tried to kill you dozens of times and she sexually assaulted you, but then told you it was just because she thought you were drunk, not that you'd taken a date rape drug while being kidnapped by six different people over the course of the evening." Cousin Nate: "Probably you were asking for it, that's how these things tend to work."
And Emily thinks about it for a minute, and then runs over to Paige's house and makes out with her! And they go swimming! Which I think is a metaphor for DOING IT!
All of this really happened!
Week: NOEL KAHN. I was going to say fuck it -- who cares after the mind-blowing extravaganza we just witnessed, but then I remembered NOEL KAHN. Very important. Very important episode week. And then at the end of the month, Summer Finale time, which in grand tradition has a tweetable name: #thebetrAyal, because one of the many, many boyfriends in play right now is going to fuck everybody over. Which is exciting news for I, for one, have never been quite so in love with this, our perfect little show.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Wilden's still hot on the trail for Hanna's blood w/r/t the ankle bracelet of doom, but since her mother is apparently on a two-week bender, we've still got time for Veronica Hastings to get her off the hook. Apparently at her leisure, considering they've mentioned this task so many times that it's sure to screw Hanna somehow week. Meredith, Byron's student-lover, may or may not be getting a job at Rosewood HS. Spencer and Toby covered up for Jason's little moment of falling-off-the-wagon, leading Toby to invent new kinds of emotions and how to show 'em. Emily accidentally roofied Paige, her former stalker, and Mona directed the Liars to Maya's personal website.
MASSUGAR.COM
Spencer: "I don't suppose crazy slipped you the password as well?"
Hanna: "I hate when you guys are mean about her just because she stalked us and tried to murder us and drove us crazy and ruined our lives and families and reputations. It's just so petty."
Emily: "If anybody cares, I'm taking that dude who is pretending to be my dead girlfriend's cousin up to a remote area near a large haunted body of water. So if you never see me again, that's probably why."
Spencer: "I don't care about anything except this Website Page."
Emily: "Well, I've got some ideas about the password. Since she was my girlfriend for a whole cumulative five minutes."
Emily tries a single password, which, I don't even wanna know. Something about hats or marijuana, most likely. Whatever is insufferable, that's Maya's favorite word, so maybe she chose a shocker secret word like integrity or interesting or respect. Oh! Got it, it's Respeito! Obviously. But Emily does not know that word either, so whatever she typed in is wrong.
Emily: "Would it be entirely out of character for my single guess being wrong to send me into an emotional tailspin?"
Liars: "Gonna say no."
Emily: "Then consider my emotional breakdown well underway. Because of the fact that I didn't guess her password the first time I tried."
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "Aria, if I try to talk to you are you going to run at me with your head down like a quarterback?"
Aria: "Not until I put my awful shoes on, bitch. What's up?"
Byron: "Do you still eat dinner?"
Aria: "I don't even live here, you douchebag. But I'll whip something up when I get home. Now if you'll just get the fuck out of my way..."
Byron: "I can't help thinking I've done something wrong. Anyways, Meredith is going to be working at your high school now. She got the job."
Aria: "That is the living end! Who's gonna tell mom?"
Byron: "For reasons you'll understand when you're older, I would like to take point on delivering this news to my ex-wife. Don't you worry about that little 'burden.'"
BOATHOUSE
This shit was only like an amuse bouche for how WTF this episode was going to get. Emily and Cousin Nate hang out at the boathouse and reminisce about how absolutely fucking horrific Maya's interests and behaviors reliably were.
Emily: "I taught her how to make these little origami boats. We'd come out here at night with paper and birthday candles, make them by the dozens... Then light the candles and watch them float away. We were kind of stuck for things to do, being such boring people."
Nate: "We used to do the same thing, with paper balloons. Air, water, fire... Maya liked all the elements."
Emily: "That's true. She was really into elements."
Nate: "So your blind friend stood me up."
Emily: "Yeah, I engineered that with a horrible new friend."
Nate: "Do you ever think about murdering people all the time?"
Emily: "No."
Nate: "I sure do."
Emily: "Cool."
HEM
Aria: "Okay, marine, drop and give me twenty!"
Diane: "Um, hello little girl. I am not a marine."
Aria: "Hi there! Sorry about that little sex joke. Ezra likes it when I humiliate his masculinity by calling him that."
Diane: "TMI, dear. I am Ezra's mother. I am the scariest."
Aria: "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Fitz."
Diane: "...Gerald. Your boyfriend's last name is actually Fitzgerald."
Aria: "That checks out, sure."
Ezra: "Aria, meet my horrible mother. She was just leaving. By force, if necessary."
Diane, verbatim: "I'm so glad to finally meet the mysterious girl with the lyrical name!"
Aria: "Well, hold onto that feeling."
Diane: "So what happens is, you come to this art benefit at the Osgood Museum."
Ezra: "My mother's honorary trail boss. But we are not coming to that shit."
Aria: "Yeah, we are. This is what happens in my princess fantasy where our relationship could ever possibly last. I meet your family. They love me. They overlook the way I dress myself. Happily ever after."
Diane: "The women have you outnumbered. Therefore you will do our bidding. Farewell."
Ezra: "Thanks for fucking that one up, Aria. This is going to be hell."
Aria: "Why did you change your name?"
Ezra: "I am a wannabe writer, so..."
Aria: "What if your last name was Hemingway?"
Ezra: "Then I would be Ezra Hem."
Aria: "Ezrachem. Sounds Jewish."
Ezra: "Uh, don't let my mom hear you say that."
MASSUGAR.COM
I love this show so much. Spencer's supposedly doing all kinds of crazy Zero Cool hacker shit to get into the website, but all it really is is her writing down words and then typing them into the password field, while saying aloud that she's doing hacker shit. It's like, they know we don't care, and we for sure know they don't care, so why do a whole song and dance about it?
Hanna: Very exercised about this whole thing, because it will prove that there is goodness in Mona if she has given them a real thing and not a ticking time bomb of some kind like they all assume.
Spence: "Adjust your attitude. A Website Page is not a piñata."
Hanna: "I am about to go buckwild on you."
Spence: "Okay, hey, how about this? We know a real hacker."
Hanna: "Ugh, I knew this was coming. Fine, he's back in town. You can involve him. Right up until the inevitable text message informing us that he or his mother is dead."
Spencer: "That was the plan. Like how you broke up with him solely because you didn't want to involve him with this, so now I'm going to."
Toby: "I am here to throw a danged fit!"
Hanna, innocently: "Hi, Toby!"
Toby gives her the most amazing talk-to-the-hand hand you've ever seen. RuPaul shimself would be like, "That was some motherfucking shade right there."
Toby: "I don't have time for you bitches today! Spencer! I need to yell at you for no reason!"
Spencer: "Fine. Hanna, take this laptop upstairs. I don't want it to get damaged by all the flailing that's about to happen."
Hanna: "Nice to see you, Toby. Your Mad Scientist hairdo really sets off your gorgeous eyes."
Toby: "Spencer! Where is Jason!"
Spencer: "I dunno, around? Where do DiLaurentises go when you're not looking at them? Everywhere and nowhere."
Toby: "His car is missing! His smashed-up car! We lied to the police! It's like Friday Night Lights but with even less consequences!"
Spencer: "He's my brother? Shit is going downhill at a furious rate for him? Why, after all the junk I've pulled on your brain, is this..."
Toby: "-- Spencer! I distrust siblings!"
Spencer: "Valid. But I fail to see..."
Toby: "I don't know what's really going on! So I just assume everything is bad, all the time!"
Spencer: "I feel you there. But again, I hardly think..."
Toby: "-- Spencer! I am going to figure out what's going on! I am not going to ask you questions or collaborate with you! I am now your enemy!"
Spencer: "Fine, whatever. I really don't have time for more Cavanaugh drama right now."
Toby: "Okay bye! I love you!"
Spencer: "...Well, he's certainly going to die now. It's really too bad."
MCCULLERS
Paige is just hanging out in her backyard with an overturned bicycle whose wheels never stop spinning. Sounds about right, no?
Emily: "I just came by to apologize for roofying you."
Paige: "That is not necessary. I have other stuff going on, like this bicycle."
Emily: "No, but I really want to tell you what's going on with everything. Nothing useful or that would keep you safe, just enough to seriously endanger your life."
Paige: "And again, I can't be bothered. Please leave my property."
Emily: "Uh, okay. I thought you were freakishly obsessed with me and had no concept of boundaries, so this whole deal is ... not something I anticipated."
Paige: "Oh, don't you worry about that."
It's true. Every single time I get scared that Paige is not going to do the most fucked up thing imaginable, and every single time I get worried, and then she's like, "BLAM! Never doubt me." So stay tuned.
REAR WINDOW
I think we've seen this establishment "Rear Window" before, but I can't remember in what context. Anyway, what I called the Talon and we learned was called the Brew is actually the Rear Window Brew, I think. week, who knows? We're still only just learning the names of their hot waitstaff.
Hanna: "Wren. Could you just sit still so we can look at you for about an hour? Not enough close-ups in this scene, at all."
Wren: "They're putting Mona's crazy on trial, thinking about moving her insane ass to a lockdown in Saratoga. That's in New York."
Hanna: "Just because I throw chairs at her and she attacked a werewolf and has been smuggling her drugs out to the other craziest person in town?"
Wren: "Yeah. Her parents, um, don't really care either way, so..."
Hanna: "So put your insane good looks and medical knowledge to work, little man!"
Wren: "No, that's not how the medical profession works. They can only be swayed by the testimony of a barely literate high school student."
SCHOOL
Spencer: "Caleb, your car is clearly very expensive."
Caleb: "My mysterious mother can't drive anymore ever since A tried to kill her, so she let me drive it back from Cali."
Spencer: "You drove here all the way? Without even Lucas to keep you company?"
Caleb: "Yeah, I have had lots to think about ever since my entire character changed in every way."
Spencer: "Can you help me hack into a Website Page?"
Caleb: "Will this endanger my life?"
Spencer: "Is that going to be a problem?"
Caleb: "Just don't tell Hanna. We'll have a secret together."
Spencer: "Cool. My regular boyfriend just bounced with a flounce, so."
Aria: "Emily, what should I wear to the Osgood? I need to look really sophisticated, and I don't know what that word means when applied to fashion."
Emily: "How about a Hello Kitty t-shirt? Sorry, women aren't funny."
Aria: "This bitch was wearing diamonds and a Chanel suit on a Sunday morning."
Emily: "That is terrifying! You need to talk to Spencer."
Aria: "Right, duh. See, you're already helping."
Emily: "So what's this about him being rich as hell?"
Aria: "I dunno. Apparently he's rich as hell."
Emily: "Then why the money thing? Why the angst? Why the gallon-bag of hundies in his undies? Why all the drama?"
Aria: "I mean, have you met Ezra Fitz? This whole estranged trust fund kid is exactly how he would roll. It actually answers more questions than it asks."
Emily: "Good point. You guys make such a good couple."
Spencer: "So if this site is real, that's mysterious that Mona knows about it. And if it isn't, that is a real fucked up thing to do to Emily. Especially right now while she's losing her goddamn mind. I know that when we ask you to do stuff like this your family members tend to die, but..."
Caleb: "I don't even really like my new mom that much. And plus, I want to do whatever I can to stop Hanna from getting run over by cars all the time."
A Text: "Mona's almost gone -- and Hanna's !"
Liars: "But what could that mean?"
Hanna: "Right. Uh, Dr. Wren told me that they're moving her to Saratoga, and that she's been smuggling her drugs out..."
Liars: "Like to Lucas? Your other best friend in the world who keeps trying to kill us?"
Hanna: "I don't know why you guys are so down on him. Just because he roofied our friends and stole all of Caleb's money and vanishes for weeks at a time..."
Liars: "I'm guessing this second part, though, is about how your blood is totally on that ankle bracelet, and Spencer's mom is going to fail bigtime."
Hanna: "Probably. The important thing is that Mona can't leave before we figure out about the Website Page."
Spencer: "On it. And you guys, please stop being mean about my mom! Just kidding."
HASTINGS
Aria: "I can feel myself almost caring about this blood test situation."
Spencer: "Don't bother. Now, what clothes were you interested in wearing to the Osgood? Were you thinking 'dominatrix equestrienne,' or more of a 'futuristic flight attendant preschooler' look? I have both."
Aria: "I knew I could count on you."
Realizing her mom is off solving a Special Victim crime of some sort, Spencer ignores everything that's going on and immediately dives into her private stuff for Garrett's file.
Spencer: "Get your phone. We're taking pictures of all this shit."
MCCULLERS
Mad-eyed Emily chases Paige through the woods. Quite a reversal!
Emily: "Paige! I did not roofie you!"
Paige: "I figured that out. But just to confirm that I am a terrible human being, why don't you tell me exactly when the roofies first came into the picture."
Emily: "Remember that night I got kidnapped a million times and they dug up Ali's grave?"
Paige: "Aw, shit."
It's actually tremendous. A bigger part of the Paige excitement than I usually let on comes from what a great actress she is, and this scene is perfectly an illustration, because just from the set of her back you know what's coming, and then the whole time her face is so miserable and scared and ashamed and it's like, you can't believe they're actually going there, and hoping Paige will somehow not have done what she clearly did That Night, and Emily has no clue, and it's just... Sweet? It's really sweet, which is not what you would usually say about a -- spoiler! -- person fleeing around town so she doesn't have to admit that she is, additional to being a stalker and murderer and general crazy, also pretty much a date rapist.
VERONICA'S FILES
Spencer: "Maya wasn't just strangled or smashed by a pipe or a metal bar or my lacrosse stick or a policeman's nightstick or anything else stick- or pipe-shaped. Lividity -- pro tip, that means the way blood settled in her corpse after her heart stopped pumping it -- indicates the victim was killed at the scene. It's saying Maya was killed right there in Emily's yard, between ten and two, the night they got Garrett at my house and Melissa freaked out. So he would have had time to kill her and then come to my house."
Aria: "She was just out rotting there in the backyard the whole time we were tracking down Mona? That is so gross and sad."
Spencer: "They didn't even find her purse, as illustrated in that one A-Tag. Oh, and look here. My mom's scary handwriting to this one witness Bart Comstock. Break him and it falls apart."
Aria: "Meaning his testimony would have something directly to do with her client. Okay, I'm going to go over there now while you're here chilling with Caleb."
Spencer: "Are you sure you'll be okay?"
Aria: "Why, ever, would I not be? Nothing bad ever happens to me. Even in person, Mona barely acknowledges my existence."
Spencer: "Good point."
MCCULLERS
Paige: "I'd say it was about 11:00 That Night. You showed up on my porch and you were super drunk, and you tried to make out with me, and then I just kind of went with it."
Emily: "So you sorta date-raped me?"
Paige: "Yeah, but I just thought you were blind drunk! If I'd known you were on actual drugs I only woulda gone to second, probably. My bad."
Emily: "I have to go think about this for a second. I mean, at least you didn't try to drown me again, right? On the other hand, that's pretty fucking bad. I'll be at that boathouse where I've elected to be brutally murdered. I'll get back to you."
Paige: "I really hope you don't hold this one against me. Although, why would you?"
Emily: "We're treading on some Tosh territory right now, and I can't have that fight again."
Paige: "Wouldn't it be funny if like five lesbians date-raped you right now?"
WREN/BART
Wren: "I was right. Only a bumbling teen can save Mona now."
Hanna: "I do hate public speaking, but okay."
Wren: "Can I do anything else for you? Besides the nothing I've already done?"
Hanna: "Just sit there for a minute. Or read to me from this book while I drink hot chocolate."
Wren: "Fifty Shades Of... Good God. Hanna!"
Hanna: "Worth a shot."
Bart Comstock: "Yes, my address is this movie theatre. Let's talk about movies!"
Aria: "I am just that awful, yes. Wait, are you Bart Comstock?"
Bart: "The man, the legend, the thirty-year-old box office worker."
MASSUGAR.COM
Spencer: "Thanks for helping me with being a hacker, since I'm not one."
Caleb: "You're dealing with a serious talent here. No such dumb passwords for this Website Page, no sir."
Caleb: "Passwords keep you from going in the front door..."
Spencer: "Do go on."
Caleb: "Me, I like to look for an open window, something that allows you to get into the system and unlock things from the other side."
Spencer: "Like a burglar!"
Caleb: "Yeah? Exactly like that. That was the metaphor, yes. Computers don't actually have doors or windows, so."
Spencer: "That's a real nice computer you've got there, Little Green."
Caleb: "My new mom thinks she can buy my love. And I let her, because what the fuck you gave me up for adoption and now you're a Real Housewife of Orange County."
Spencer: "Computer, car... You realize you're wearing a $400 sweater?"
Caleb: "Not too shabby for a former Werewolf Under The Stairs, huh?"
Spencer: "Things are getting real romantic, feels like. I should probably lecture you about the proper way to launder things now. Really turn up the heat."
COMSTOCK
Bart: "Yeah, I know who you're talking about. I remember those two girls, that's a couple you don't forget. Hot-cha-cha!"
Aria: "Yeah, my friend's pretty, um, devastated. But by all means."
Bart: "Well, adding them to my wank bank made it a lot easier to recognize Maya's dead corpse, so I called the cops."
Aria: "What exactly was your testimony in the death of this teenaged old?"
Bart: "It was late. I was up on the marquee changing the bill in my Phantom of the Opera domino mask when I saw her get in the cop car with Garrett Reynolds. Right up the block, there, the night he killed her. Probably thought she was safe, I mean, how could she know that cop was crazy? You just can't trust anybody!"
Aria: "I'm slowly learning to think that may be the case."
Bart: "I'm convinced my mother is stealing my pizza rolls."
Aria: "I have to go, okay?"
MASSUGAR.COM
Spencer: "Watch those werewolf fingers go!"
Caleb: "Stop eating pretzels and check out this Website Page."
Maya pops up, reading from "To His Coy Mistress," of course, because she's the worst ("Andy Marvell, what a marvel," that asshole says without a second thought). But something else is going on, because it's specifically the line about "time's winged chariot hurrying near." Which is about death, of course, and which she characterizes about how the mistress shouldn't waste more time -- which is a G-rated way to say it, because the actual poem is one long Friend Zone whinefest about his dick -- but also, later she says about clocks running backwards, too. Maya and time.
Funny, because she is one hundred years of age? But also sad, because of how Mona's watch was counting down the time before the chariot pulled up at Emily's house, which the coroner's report said was between ten and two, but we know was midnight.
Anyway, they get in, and Spencer and Caleb are overjoyed in a way that doesn't really come close to being kissy-time but bridges nicely their little sweater-flirt before, and the thing that happens with Wren and Hanna later. For now, we only celebrate.
Mona: "This is where I'm going to put things to keep from losing them. I'm always losing things..."
Funny, because of dementia? Or sad, because she really was losing things all the time. I would love it if we came to know Maya in the new way they're suggesting, because I can imagine throwing so much at the wall here that some of it would stick and you'd be like, "She's still Aria on steroids, but on the other hand a girl died and it's hurtful."
Maya, funny: "If you're looking at me, beware... this site is cursed!"
She throws back her head in a dumb fake laugh, so impressed with herself but also the whole thing is unconvincing. Nothing more grating than an actor pretending to laugh. Nothing, that is, besides Maya.
GALLERY
Aria tells Spencer about the Comstock thing, and then heads into the shindig with Ezra. They both look fantastic, needless to say, and also they are the best part of this very excellent episode. The biggest shock of all.
Eternally Ezra: "Look, it's not too late to ditch this and find a miniature golf course..."
Aria: "It's like you're trying to be young all the time and I'm always trying to act older than I am. Have you ever read Lolita?"
Ezra: "Have I."
Aria: "This was sponsored by Lyle and Frances Springer, like the Springer Preservation Fund and the Springer Endowment For The Arts... Are they your grandparents?"
Ezra: "Yep. That's where the Jag came from."
Aria: "This is weird. I mean, your family is like seriously rich. That's important. Not because money is important, but because it makes families and people work more differently than most of us on either side are willing to admit, or even able to understand. You only know what your own family is like, not what other people's are like, so you just assume everybody's the same as you, until an election yea..."
Diane: "-- Not me! I know you're trash. Welcome to the gallery or benefit!"
Aria: "We're not done talking about this. I got a job to buy you ramen noodles. I'm okay being a part of your bohemian fantasy, and all, but I'm already solving like three conspiracies here, it's not like I have a lot of fucking time on my hands."
Ezra: "Look, lots of people take a break from their families in their twenties. It's known as the Post-Graduate Temper Tantrum, and it comes along with the Post-Graduate Freakout. You'll understand in ten years or so."
Aria: "Taking a break from my family is like, my favorite activity. Don't condescend to me, you old bitch."
Ezra: "Sorry. Sorry, Khaleesi."
BOATHOUSE
Emily chills at the boathouse, calmly and gently waiting to be murdered. Cousin Nate shows up to oblige.
Nate: "I just wanted to see what it was like at night. To kill, I mean. To kill a girl at night."
Emily: "Whatever. Apparently I'm cool with all kinds of stuff."
Nate: "Wanna talk about it? While I murder you?"
Emily: "What if you got date raped, but the person blamed it on you?"
Nate: "Probably it actually is your fault. That tends to be how it works."
Emily: "That's what I was thinking, too. I better go apologize to the girl who constantly stalks and drowns me, for making her date-rape me. You're a good friend."
Nate: "So like... The killing-you thing, that's off the table? ...Okay, see you I guess."
OSGOOD/OSBAD
Diane: "Aria! You looked lonely over here. Lonely and bedraggled, just like a little orphan!"
Aria: "Nope, just wearing borrowed clothes and looking at this awesome art. This belong to your mom and dad?"
Diane: "Yes, before their... Unfortunate accident. You don't seem to know very much about our Ezra."
Aria: "We're still learning about each other. You know, since we started dating well after he left his position at my high school, where I go to school because I am a little child. As he lied to you about previously."
Diane: "I'm sure you know lots of sides of the Fitz. The dedicated teacher, the struggling writer... You fit right into that world. That world he invented from watching Rent over and over, the little homo. You get to be his muse!"
Aria: "I wouldn't call myself that."
Diane: "'B-23,' you ungracious idiot. Don't diminish your role."
Aria: "I'm... Not playing a role. If you knew anything about me you'd know I'm as painfully sincere as it gets. You see, I do not have my shit together enough to fake anything, ever."
Diane: "What do your parents think of Ezra? Is that what poor people call them? 'Parents'?"
Aria: "My mom used to be friends with him. And my dad worked at the college..."
Diane: "Do you understand we are talking about Chuck Bass money here? I know your social security number. I know what color underwear you're wearing under that borrowed gown from several seasons ago. I have a trained sniper following you at all times; his codeword for go is 'lepidoptera.' I have a lobbyist right now working on changing the laws of consent in Pennsylvania. Just to fuck with you!"
Aria: "This must be what it's like to be on that show Pretty Little Liars. I must say, I don't care for it."
Diane: "So. Fathers and daughters... That can be tricky."
Aria: "Welcome to Rosewood."
Diane: "Your parents are divorced, are they not? Recently? As recently as when you started seeing Ezra? Romantically, I mean."
Aria, verbatim: "You ask questions like you already know the answers."
Diane: "Chuck Bass money, dear. Mikey's arrests, your romance with a 'former' teacher, the way your mother moved out over your father's infidelity... You can literally chart all the cracks and strains."
As usual, it's painful because from the outside, that's all true, because nobody knows about A, which is often where the cracks and strains come in. On the other hand, ring of truth, because Aria's shitstorm of a life rarely involves A. And I don't mean that in the usual joking way, I mean everything that this lady is saying is kind of true even without A being in the picture. And that's the worst bit, because anybody else would just blow it off for that reason, but Aria can't, and doesn't.
Aria: Stomps off.
Diane: "Little dove! Have I hurt your feelings? MORE WINE!"
Aria: "You're being awful. You're doing shitty things and saying you're not."
Diane: "Have some delicious Chik-Fil-A, little muse."
Aria: Stomps more off.
Diane: "Look. I may not agree with the way Ezra lives his life, but I'm not gonna stand by and let you ruin him."
Aria: "Lady, I totally love him. It is my only thing."
Diane: "Oh yes, it's all romance and sacrifice, in your little Paris garret. Except have you noticed that it's you that determines what gets sacrificed? Never him?"
Aria: "I guess that's the price of being a child molester."
Diane: "Let's review. You got him fired from teaching at a public school, a thing I didn't think was possible, but one for which I thank you. Then you got him fired from Hollis College. I just want you to examine your motives."
Aria: "I don't have motives!"
Diane: "Everyone has motives, dear."
Aria: "Maybe in your cunty world, but not me. I just want to put feathers all over my body, hold hands with my lesbian man-child lover, and try vaguely to help my friends not get murdered. Stealing money I didn't know he had was never on that list."
Diane: "It's not too late for us to have a ... practical discussion."
Aria: "Are you seriously trying to buy me off?"
Diane: "Funny you should mention that, isn't it. That your diseased little mind would go there so quickly. Hmm."
Aria really does stomp this time, and it's amazing. She dumps her soda in a plant without even pausing for a drive-by glare and gets the fuck on up out of there. Good deal. Good girl, Montgomery. You win this week.
Ezra: "Fuck did you do?"
Diane: "Nothing! I had so much more awful shit to say to her and the little minx just walked away in the middle of things. Breeding tells, dear."
Ezra: "Uh, this is why I keep estranging you. Shit like this."
Diane: "Pish. Maybe it was just past her bedtime. And anyway, we were having a lovely chat. Perhaps she just felt... Out of place."
Ezra: "You can endow all the museums you want, but you're not fooling anybody. There's not a generous bone in your body."
Philanthropy burn!
RADLEY
Hanna is dressed like a schoolmarm in a spaghetti western, of course, but her lavender notecards are all in order, and the medical board is listening attentively to her, because this is a real thing that would ever happen.
"I believe it would be very therapeutic for Mona to stay at Radley. She needs the 'continuity' of 'clinical environment' so important to fully 'integrate' the socially challenged teen back into the 'peer community'..."
It's painful. She's acting so well, as usual, and so it's clear that Hanna understands the concepts behind the words but not enough to follow their syntax exactly, and she's nervous and stuttery and desperate and beautiful, and it's like... A lot of the time this show depends on putting you in their place or rooting for them in a seriously emotional, invested way, and you're just like... It's just so awkward. It's great.
Wren gives Hanna and encouraging nod, and she tries to go back to the cards, but she realizes how weird it's getting in the room, so she just pulls a Hanna (the good kind) and looks 'em right in the eye. This is verbatim, because Hanna is wonderful:
"Look. Mona did some terrible things. She did some of them to me, and I'm her best friend. I don't know how she could, but I think I understand how angry she was."
(...Which is when you realize it's going to work. Because anger is one thing Hanna, of all of them, has always understood the most. It's also where her compassion -- for Mona, for Lucas, for Jenna at the window -- comes directly from. I don't know how to explain that, except to say that the thing that makes you awesome is the thing that makes you suck, always, and that Hanna's always been my favorite because it's easy to have compassion for her anger, for me personally. There are many things to love about Hanna Marin, but her anger is the only thing that demands it.)
"Mona and I are very, very close. I mean, we're like the same person, we started out at the same place. And we were so close to ... becoming those girls who would sit at a table and guard purses while the hot girls were on the floor dancing. But Mona made sure we didn't disappear. And I owe her for that.
"Look, I see her in that robe and those slippers, and I realize that could be me in there. And if it was me, Mona would be sitting here asking all of you to not send me away. So please don't. ...She doesn't know anyone in Saratoga. There will be no one there to hold her hand. No one will care a ... brown rat's ass for her in Saratoga.
"So please."
MCCULLERS
Near the McCullers swimming pool, the better to drown her if this goes poorly.
Emily: "Hey, Paige. I'm back to bother you some more, like I've been doing all day."
Paige: "Listen, I'm really sorry about that time I date-raped you and then didn't tell you about it for several months, even after I also got roofied."
Emily, verbatim: "It wasn't your fault."
Paige: "No, I'm pretty sure it is. Also, whoever roofied us, I'm going to drown them."
Emily: "Whatever. Listen, I want you to stop talking about killing people and hear what I'm saying to you. I was lost and scared and confused and blitzed That Night. I got abducted forty-seven times That Night. Possibly I dug up a grave is how out of it I was. But at some point, I came here. I came to you. I was lost and scared and out of my tits, and I ended up here."
That part, I can identify. I had a similar* experience last year, actually, which I didn't really ever talk about to anybody because the details aren't that interesting or salacious, and it didn't end in tragedy or anything -- although we never figured out who dosed us -- but I did learn that it can be surprising where your body takes you, when your mind's been commandeered and safety becomes its first priority. I wonder how many roofie zombies end up walking to an ex's house on autopilot? God, how embarrassing.
On the other hand, I figured out why people who've been roofied are so often shockingly blasé about it after the fact, which is that they weren't there for it. So if nothing terrible happens, which knock wood, there's not really anything to say, like, your own experience is exactly like hearing about somebody else's dream. Not that fascinating or relevant, because it basically didn't happen to you. I always thought it was a way of going NBD about the horrible thing that happened, but no. It's just not a huge factor.
Paige: "So we're good?"
Emily: "Oh, we're better than good. We are making out."
Paige: "Just as long as you're not fucked up..."
Emily: "Not in the way you mean!"
Paige: "Wow, women really aren't funny."
Emily: "Don't look away from me. I want you to look in my eyes. And I want you to pretend I've just shown up here, high as a kite, slurring my words and talking gibberish. And I just want you to take it from there."
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "Aria? Why are you sitting on the floor sobbing? Can I talk to you about it?"
Aria: "Look, did I ruin Ezra's life? I mean, I know technically it was you, but does this really all come down to me?"
Byron: "Far be it from me to admit a single thing I've ever done wrong, but..."
Aria: "Seriously, just be a dad for a second. Am I really fucking up his life? Am I responsible for his poverty and wangst? Am I just... Destroying everything that I touch?"
Byron, sweet hug: "No. You couldn't. You would never hurt anyone. And no one could ever be harmed by having you in their life."
Not exactly a Rupert Giles Award-winner for Greatest Dad Clutch Play, but it's so nice to see Aria get a hug from her poor father, especially with Meredith on the horizon, that it's touching all the same.
RADLEY
Hanna: "So... That was a bloodbath, huh?"
Wren: "On the contrary! You've convinced the board to keep her!"
Hanna: "How unlikely!"
They hop around for a second and then she pops up into his face for a quick kiss and it's so, so funny and well-done and beautiful, and they both lean back dazed and slightly horrified, and it's wonderful. This episode: Wonderful.
Wren, verbatim: "I... thought you'd be ... pleased?"
Hanna: "I... Am? Thank you?"
Wren: "Uh... You're welcome?"
And scene.
MASSUGAR.COM
Liars: "We should not be watching this. But we are."
A video, for example, of Emily eating and Maya making her laugh. Intimate and sweet and weird to see now. It is revealed that the videos are jumbled into the Website Page without order or reason, and you don't know what they are until you open them up.
Spencer, scornful: "More of a junk drawer than a journal."
Hanna: "The important thing is that Mona is legitimately being helpful! I may just give a speech!"
Spencer: "If you could just wipe the taste of Wren off your lips, although why anybody would I don't know, I will tell you that Caleb got the fuck on up out of here when he saw what this was. But he was really helpful."
Liars: "I just wish Emily was here so we could watch these without feeling like the new NAT Club. Turn on your phone, Fields!"
Maya, horribly: "I think Emily's got a very old soul. I feel it when I kiss her. I can hear clocks all over the world running backwards..."
Aria: "This is sucky and shitty and weird. Turn it off. Not without her here."
Hanna: "I have no self-control! One more."
Maya, in the woods, dressed for cold, terrified. Very Blair Witch vibe. "I'm such a coward. I know that. I have to face my fears. I can't hide forever. I can't keep being afraid..." Something red flashes her -- a cop's light, or a camera, maybe -- and she drops the camera and it goes to black and the Liars all start hopping around.
Hanna, getting real: "-- Yep. Turn it off and get her here. Now."
Spencer: "At least her phone's on now, but it's just ringing..."
AND WHY?
Because Emily and Paige are swimming laps, of course. Doesn't that strike you as a little, um, metaphorical? We've had these lesbian musical lap-swimming interludes before, but the first one I remember ended with Paige literally trying to drown Emily in the pool. And now they're just giggling and swimming and Emily's never seemed so happy in her life. So there's a lot to unpack, because if it really is swimming, then Paige and Swimming and Emily's Life are all getting wrapped up into a new objective correlative where That Night divides Emily's life in two, and now she can be a person again.
Extradiagetically, this is supported: Let me float all day/ Just be there till I know/ Till I know that/ The riot's gone/ The riot's gone away," so there you go.
Me, I prefer to think of it as a Hayes Code kind of thing. Like how Matt on Melrose Place couldn't have gay sex so he was always shown eating, or in Big Sleep how Lauren Bacall's little sister was always eating with her eyes closed and you somehow had to just figure out that "eating with your eyes closed" is movie code for "having sex on heroin."
"Why Mr. Marlowe, you old private dick you. Why don't you come upstairs and see me up there sometime? Maybe we could 'do a few laps,' if you know what I mean."
A-TAG
A bank lady counts out about fifty grand on one of those flippity-flip money counters, and hands it to A: "Just looking at you in that hoodie makes me shiver. I guess summer's really over..."
WEEK
Noel Kahn. The end.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.