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Hanna's got a limited amount of time to figure out whose blood is on the anklet, since Wilden's fairly sure it's hers and her legal guardian/mother's out of town. While Veronica works on a court order to stop them testing her blood -- because let's be honest, on this show it's going to somehow be her blood -- A steps up the game and brings up a major thing from the past that we never knew about.
Spencer pulls Toby into her shit when he claims to be her alibi for saving Jason (who's losing his shit in a big way after last week's anklet debacle) from his own drunken hit-and-run accident. The DiLaurentises are not doing well, overall: For reasons that play out across the hour, Mr. D is back in town and pretty much interested in screaming at Hanna in whatever public place he can find.
No traction on Emily's memory or the million other things for now, but with Hanna having spontaneous flashbacks to huge events and secret codes every few minutes, there's hardly time for that. However, she does get involved with a strange new Rosewood resident: The glamorous CeCe Drake, presumably the "old friend" mentioned in last week's Alison flashback, who is now in town on a permanent basis for reasons apparently having to do with Jason. Lotta secrets with this girl, but so far she seems to be another version of Ali, even down to her bitchy wild schemes: By episode's end, she's done Emily the favor of breaking up Jenna and Cousin Nate before they can even start dating.
A couple of days before Ali's body was found, Mona and Hanna played with a Ouija board that told them Alison was still alive -- and Hanna saw her standing in the backyard, just blatantly staring at her. She hasn't said anything since, of course, about this visitation from beyond the grave... But she did, at the time, stupidly call up the DiLaurentises and tell them Ali was still in town. Which explains, I guess, why the family's now so hot to nail her instead of Garrett for the murders.
Sick and tired of Hanna getting beat up, Aria decides to visit Mona at Radley for answers -- which goes as well as expected -- and then the two of them meet with her after hours, accidentally setting her free for a few hours in the process. Mona starts talking in code at this point, as one does, and this eventually leads the Liars to a website all about Maya, presumably about her murder, but no password to access it. (Is that Caleb's return I hear on its way?)
Most importantly of all, though, Ella Montgomery goes on an internet date with Pastor Ted -- I know! That dude is in it to win it! -- but, once she gets creeped out by the Byronesque way he eats his ice cream, considers throwing it all over for the hot young owner of the Brew. YES!
A truly wonderful episode, writing-wise, with some strong visuals and interesting twists. One hopes we'll see more of the Mona Code in future weeks -- although with this show, who knows -- but we will definitely be seeing more CeCe Drake and more creepy dolls, which is just as good. Not to mention Ella getting busy.
week: Ezra's mother comes to town to fight with Aria, and hopefully he gets mad some more.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Mona is still at the Radley facility, acting hyperadrenalized and possibly providing Lucas with roofies. Spencer and Jason found an old anklet of Alison's which ended up getting Garrett out of jail, much to Spencer's chagrin. Emily's convinced her night of many abductions holds the key to Alison's disturbed grave, but Maya's Cousin Nate's interest in Jenna -- as well as Holden's possible involvement in Emily's various kidnappings -- could complicate matters. Hanna and Spencer tried to lure A to a church dance, but their note was intercepted by Officer Wilden, who managed to cockblock Ashley and Pastor Ted at the same time. And speaking of moms, it's about time for Ella Montgomery to hit the floor, wouldn't you say?
MARIN, MORNING
Hanna, putting on lip gloss: "Yes, Mom! I am able to stay home by myself without burning the place down or crashing several cars into it. I mean, we'll never know I'm capable of it until I pull it off, but I have a good feeling about this one."
Ashley: "Not inspired with confidence exactly, but fine. There's thousands of dollars in a box of lasagna if you want to order a pizza or something. I'll be home to identify your body at the morgue on Sunday. Love you!"
Hanna sighs and applies more lip gloss.
Wilden: "Ashley home? I can't talk to you without a guardian present."
Hanna, putting on some lip gloss: "I can't talk to you because you suck, so whatever. If you'll excuse me, I have to put on even more lip gloss before I can go to school. It's Lip Gloss Day."
Wilden: "You need to come in and give a blood sample. The DiLaurentises are going nuts because of Garrett, and the blood on the anklet is O- just like yours, and..."
Universal donor, of course. That's our Hanna.
Hanna puts down her lip gloss: "So wait, now I'm the one who killed her ankle bracelet?"
Wilden: "You're the one stashing notes on the original suspect's mom, who just..."
Hanna: "-- I didn't do that."
Wilden: "Hanna, plenty of people saw you do that. It's easily verifiable. It was not stealth, even to your low standards."
Hanna: "I know, I was just flustered. God."
PEDECONFERENCE, MAIN ST
Hanna: "So essentially Garrett's out of jail, and I'm going in. Wilden knows about the note, he caught me at the place that was on the note, and it's my blood type..."
Liars: "Well, maybe Spencer can find out something from Jason about the family's intentions."
Spencer: "Are you kidding? I'm still so embarrassed about our ankle bracelet fiasco that I can't look him in the eye."
Liars: "Well, can your mom do something?"
Spencer: "Not unless it's to screw us over, apparently."
Hanna: "What if it is my blood?"
Liars: "You mean, like maybe you killed Alison? Honey..."
Hanna: "No! But like, Emily has been dosed and poisoned and massaged and kidnapped literally thousands of times. Maybe one of the many times I've been hospitalized for being run over, they ganked a little."
Liars: "Don't so O negative, Hanna."
Hanna heads to school, because today is a school day, but apparently that's not true for all of us. Imagine that, sitting out Lip Gloss Day just because everybody is trying to kill you all the time.
THE BREW
Aria: "We should get Hanna's mom on the phone, at least. Even if it's better for her to stay out of town so Hanna doesn't have to go to the police station..."
Spencer: "Yeah, I really don't think Ashley has many cards left to play with old Wilden. She kind of went for the gold on that one."
Alison (?!), to barista: "Take it from me, you're always better off with a really good lie [buy?]."
The girls stop and stare, in a kind of queasily excited way. But it's not Ali. It's a girl who looks a bit like her -- there are resemblances in the chin and nose and overall bone structure to Spencer and Jason both, meaning Alison too -- and talks a bit like her, in a way that is meant to be really unnerving. I appreciate the actress's efforts, don't get me wrong, but Ali wasn't really one for vocal fry, whereas this girl seems to be a fan.
Emily: "Holy shit, what are you?"
Cece: "I'm an old friend of Alison DiLaurentis's, just like you! We grew up together summering in Cape May and I dated Jason, her brother, and she and I shared an intense couple weeks together. She was like a 'broken doll' at that time."
Liars: "That's a ... lot of information."
She is very Ali in this one way where she slides between seductive and secretive, aggressive and amused. You can see them falling under her spell, all three of them: If she's half the bitch she seems to be, their hearts don't have to be broken anymore.
Cece: "Alison told me all of your secrets! I know you're Melissa Hastings's sister..."
Spencer: "STFU. That's not even my biggest sibling secret."
Cece: "And you must be Emily. Nice rack."
Ems, a little breathless: "Thx."
Aria: "What about me? Did she ever talk about me? What did she ever say about me?"
Cece: "Anyway, I moved to LA, but now I'm back. And I refuse to tell you why! I work at a boutique across the street, for a boss who's both high-strung and aggressively sober, so I have to go."
Liars: "Okay well it was super fucked up meeting you!"
Cece: "Oh, and I really am a lot like Ali. For example, if you ever want to do some shoplifting..."
Aria: "Oh my God, you thought I was Hanna? This is mortifying."
Liars: "I can't believe Alison just has this random twin floating around! I mean, who could have predicted that?"
Spencer: "Maybe she was the Ali of Ali, like, she did those hip-jut head-tilts that Ali always did..."
Emily: "Looking right through you at all of your secrets..."
Liars: "I am uncomfortable thinking that we were in love with a copy of a copy, though. That kind of makes us look ridiculous."
Emily: "Yeah, or maybe it's turtles all the way down, right? Like wasn't Mona's whole problem that she was obsessed with us, in turn? And probably Cece based her entire personality on somebody we don't even know, and that person was also faking it, and so on? Maybe this is just what high school is like?"
Yes, that is exactly what high school is like. It is also what people are like. You should stop worrying so much about it.
ELLA!
This scene is so great. So Ella's checking out a dress in a garment bag when Aria comes into her classroom to bring her the mail -- "You forgot to tell Vanity Fair you moved" -- and they consider the dress, which is a sort of jewel-tone raspberry thing that I'm sure will look tons better on. Turns out Ella has a coffee date -- "from that website that you made me join," she grumbles adorably -- and she's getting nervous. Aria tish-toshes that one.
Ella: "Easy for you to say, you've dated within this century!"
Aria: "That is a technicality at best. So tell me all about this guy!"
Ella: "Well, he's pretty much Pastor Ted. Down to the 'silver fox' appellation."
Aria: "Oooh, older guys. Very hot."
Ella: "Don't push it."
Aria: "Heh. And this is the dress?"
Ella: "I don't need your advice on that shit, honey. Trust."
Ella, verbatim: "Uh, you wear forks as earrings."
Aria: "No, I like the dress, actually. Sexy. Just don't wear a scarf with it."
Ella: "What makes you say that?"
Aria, verbatim: "Because I have known you 100 percent of my life?"
Ella: "Grrr."
They grin and Aria flounces off, and it's so nice to see them operational again. And to see Ella happy and adorable! I'm terrified by the Pastor Ted thing, but we'll just see. One thing I can't see this show doing is an Ashley and Ella catfight over the one available non-rapist in Rosewood. Or if they did, it would be amazing in some way that wouldn't tickle your feminism bone. And even if it went to an ugly place, well, I think we all know Ted is secretly a serial killer anyway.
OUTSIDE
Spencer is updating her virtual reality with the details of Alison's summers with this Cece Drake, whom -- the yearbook suggests -- is exactly what she claims to be. Whence this yearbook from Cece's school? Who knows. Don't ask those kinds of things about Spencer, she has a virtual reality that she updates. Especially not when she's dressed -- exceptionally -- like Sailor Moon in white wrestler boots.
Spencer: "Toby, what are you doing here? This is school, where people of our age gain knowledge and prepare for adult life."
Toby: "I came to harass you about sticking me in a church with Hanna for no reason."
Spencer: "Yeah, that was weird. I'm sorry. I was with Jason, helping him find that anklet..."
Toby: "So you just wanted me tied up for the night? And how proving Garrett innocent and yourself insane help anything?"
Spencer, verbatim: "Why are you challenging me."
Toby: "Um, because I was once the target of your all-consuming convictions? Being the Boo Radley of Rosewood has made me a bit more judicious about these things."
Spencer: "I can't talk about my serial existential crises right now, Cavanaugh. Now if you'll excuse me, this virtual reality isn't going to update itself."
THE BREW
I love the dialogue in this episode so, so much. This is a really good script, full stop.
Nate: "How's my favorite barista?"
Emily: "Well, they took me off cappuccino probation, so..."
Nate: "That's a thing?"
Emily: "Heh, I know."
He produces a candle, which she sniffs before he tells her it's for Jenna.
Nate: "They all smelled like hairspray, so I got the one with the nicest name."
Emily: "Why are you buying that bitch anything? Buy her a black eye, that's what I'd do."
Nate: "Um, we are dating. Since she's not a lesbian, and everything. Oh, were you thinking this storyline was going to go another way?"
Emily: "I feel sympathy for all the Pretty Little Lesbians who didn't get to freak out about their show persecuting them, I really do in a way. They were gearing up like whoa. But it's probably better like this."
Nate: "So will you help me shop for her?"
Emily: "She'll love it. Highly developed sense of smell."
Nice! Oh, Emily. Emily this season is so fantastic. Time traveling, getting the snark served up... And now she's off cappuccino probation? Everything's comin' up Fields.
Nate: "Are you and Jenna not close friends like she said? Because she also said really nice things about Maya. Apparently she drove Jenna home a few times during the blind phase..."
Emily: "Why are you challenging me? Okay, fine. I'll help you shop. Apparently there's a new boutique in town that caters exclusively to sluts with secrets."
MARIN
Aria: "But like, Alison never even mentioned this girl before last week..."
Hanna: "That's how this show works. Do you know if there's a way to cheat on a blood test?"
There's a Ouija board set up in Hanna's house, and she did not leave it there, and the second she touches the planchette it's like booby-trapped or something, and it pricks her finger like a spindle. There's a note on there, even: "See how it easy it is for me to get your blood?"
Aria: "What the fuck?"
Hanna: "Man, this means A has a key to my house..."
Aria: "Seriously, what is this thing?"
Hanna: "We gotta check upstairs for murderers, what a hassle..."
Aria: "Hanna, why is this here and what is it?"
Hanna: "Plus now I gotta put on more lip gloss..."
Aria: "Hanna."
Hanna: "Okay, fine. It's the thing from the coffin. Like your earrings. I buried it..."
Aria: "A Ouija board in a coffin? That's like the total reverse of how you're supposed to..."
Hanna: "-- No, just the ... hand thing. It was meaningful."
Aria: "If you're about to tell me a flashback where you saw Ali's ghost and forgot to tell us about it, I swear to God."
FLASHBACK
Mona has decorated the kitchen with a million candles, fittingly enough for a séance. This is before Alison's body was discovered, back when death was imaginary and a thing that happens to old people, so it wasn't quite as gruesome as it seems. Unless Mona knew Ali was dead, of course, which knowing Mona...
Mona: "I know it seems stupid, but I totally have talked to ghosts. Knowledgeable ones, as recently as this summer. Let's do this. Secrets of the universe."
Hanna: "This is weird and dumb and the opposite of what I'm into."
Mona: "Just do it! I am your only friend! Why are you challenging me?"
Hanna: "Fine. Ask the spirits if Sean is a virgin."
Mona: "Something we don't already know the answer to! Let's ask if Ali's ever coming back."
Hanna: "That's macabre in the extreme, mon amie."
Ouija Board: "A-L-I..."
Hanna: "I know, Ouija Board! That's what we're asking!"
Ouija Board: "A-H-E-M."
Hanna: "Sorry."
Ouija Board: "A-L-I... V-E!"
And how does it know? Oh, just because Alison is plainly standing outside the French doors onto the back patio, just chilling. Practically gives a little wave. NBD.
MARIN DAYTIME
Aria: "Um, I'm not even going to address the ghost part, but remember how Mona was already A by that time?"
Hanna: "Whatever. This evidence in a murder investigation is going in the trash. Just like Spencer would tell us to do."
Aria: "Okay, but who else would know that story? Just Mona, right? So she told A about it, at least..."
Hanna: "Yeah, I've done everything short of calling in a bomb threat to make sure they don't let me back in there."
Aria: "Then I shall go, Hanna. I shall go, and I shall be victorious."
A random flowerpot is hurled at the backdoor, and never mentioned again.
Hanna, verbatim: "...So I'm sleeping at your house tonight."
Aria, verbatim: "Yep."
SCHOOL
Spencer: "Hey, Jason. What's up?"
Jason: "Just jogging past this high school half-naked. As a former Peeping Tom, I like to just keep my hand in."
Spencer: "Hey, are you going totally nuts by how we embarrassed ourselves by contributing to justice?"
Jason: "Yeah, I feel really bad that our judicial system is based on laws."
Spencer: "Are your parents going fucking crazy for any reason having to do with me or my buds?"
Jason: "I don't know, man. Fuck those guys."
Spencer: "Yeah, for real. Oh, I met your ex this morning. Cece Drake? That bitch is insane. Why would you date a carbon copy of your sister? Also I think we are all in love with her."
Jason: "Oh man, that psycho's back in town? Great. I hope you're not solving fifty other mysteries this month, because she's a whole can of sexy worms right there. Anyways, peace."
Spencer: "But you didn't answer like one single..."
Jason: Has vanished.
Spencer: "My brother is the Batman."
HATEFULLY HIDEOUS BOUTIQUE
Cece: "These are everywhere in LA right now. Rachel Zoe practically gives them out as business cards. They are called scabies!"
Shoppers: "No thanks. That bitch is the worst."
Cece: "Nate, why don't you go through the Vera Neumann junk over there, I'm sure it's in your price range."
Emily: "Is everything in your store hatefully hideous?"
Cece: "That's what it says on the sign, sweet cheeks. Now that we're alone, tell me why you hate this chick you're shopping for. Is he F-Zoning you?"
Emily: "No, I hate her for..."
Cece: "Because he's hot as hell. You've have to be blind, or a lesb..."
Emily: "Bingo."
Cece: "Oh, you're the one."
Emily: "Even knowing she gossiped to you about our relationship in a way that seriously minimizes me in a shitty way, I cannot stay mad at that monster."
Cece: "So if you're not into him, why do you care if he's with Jenna? She a bitch or something?"
Emily: "She's... Something. Of those two things, she is the latter."
Cece: "Well, whatever. You should dissuade him from dating her, if you don't think he should date her. You're apparently friends, so..."
Nate: "Emily, do you like this awful Vera scarf?"
Emily: "No, because it's not the '90s and because I don't hate myself. But good instincts, because I hear Jenna's really into color these days, and that scarf definitely has a lot of those."
Nate: "What about these earrings? They're just like the ones you gave Maya a week before her death, a thing I could not possibly know."
Emily: "Weird. But anyway, look. Maybe you shouldn't put quite so many eggs in the Jenna basket. Let's rethink our price range here."
Nate, verbatim: "Would you quit 'busting my chops'? I wouldn't even be buying her this gift if the hottest girl in Rosewood was available... Or interested in guys."
Emily: Heroically does not barf. Kick him to the curb! He's not even really her cousin I bet!
Cece, swooping in: "...You totally picked my favorite! Those earrings go great with unnerving eyeballs."
Emily: "That chick really just did me a solid. I hope she's not as completely, utterly, totally untrustworthy as she seems. And is."
BREW
Zack is another barista at the Brew, older than Kevin but still in that general LA-hottie area of appearance. I remember him from Love Bites, which was so good and nobody ever really watched it. That was at times some of the brightest, funniest writing I've seen on TV in a long time, especially in a format like that where every word counts.
Zack: "Coffee, lady? Perhaps a delicious croissant?"
Ella: "They smell better than the perfume I'm wearing! What are you?"
Zack: "Some vanilla custard, some just butter."
Ella: "First of all, nothing is ever 'just butter.' How about just a decaf? And hey, is Emily here?"
Zack: "No! Everybody abandoned me! I'm not usually out here at the counter, where you can see me on this TV show. That's why you've never seen me on this TV show."
Ella: "Thank God. I don't want my daughter's best friend to see me on a first date."
Zack: "Hold up, you're on the market? Sweet. Play it cool, Zack..."
Ella: "It was the Internet."
Zack: "So I'm probably the last person that will ever see you alive, heh. Aw, fuck. Good one, Zack."
As expected, Ted enters at this point. Man, Ted is in it to win it, is he not? Rummage sale, internet dating, being a stone-cold fox in public all the time... This is a man with a strategy.
Or a crawlspace.
Ted: "Oh, you ordered your coffee already? I was thinking we should hit that ice cream truck outside."
Ella shoots Zach a cute, cute face about how so far she is not dead and Ted is, if anything, cuter than his profile picture. Zach tries to be supportive, but you know Zach. Sucker for those raspberry jewel-tones, especially on a MILF schoolteacher's midi-dress.
Aria, in about one day from now: "So the whole May/December thing. You're not going to be bitching at me anymore about that. We clear?"
RADLEY
Aria, currently, is signing in at Radley, which as you know comes with a bunch of people screaming off-camera and getting soothing words in their ears from unseen medical professionals.
Nurse Lisa: "I don't think Mona's allowed to have visitors, ever since she tried to kill that sweet little werewo... Wait, no. We're good. It says here her visiting privileges were changed by a hacker in the Montecito airport. I am gonna need to take your fluorescent green, plastic triangle earrings, though."
Aria: "My earrings? Why, what danger could they pose?"
Nurse Lisa: "To people? Or to fashion?"
As they're finishing up their transaction, there's another wild scream from somewhere, and the camera is employed in such a way that it's kind of 3-D as far as why Aria would be freaked out right now. Say what you will about the stigma part, but actually being in a mental hospital is pretty much exactly as emotionally draining as you think.
Nurse Lisa: "Mona honey? You have a visitor, she says her name's Nelly Bly?"
Mona: "Ah. My anti-fashion nemesis, back again."
Nurse Lisa: "I'm just going to sit over here, not caring what you talk about. Sorry if that's inconvenient for a million reasons."
Mona, smiling meanly: "So. Would you like to play a game?"
She shuffles cards, and Aria looks like she's about to pass out, and it's so, so good.
HASTINGS/MARIN
Hanna: "So is your mom gonna save my ass or what."
Spencer: "She's working on blocking that court order, just chill out. You know how we Hastings Women have this unearned reputation for excellence? It'll be fine. Did Aria get into Radley?"
Hanna: "Haven't heard. Oh hey, is that Mr. DiLaurentis? When did he get back into town?"
Spence: "Today. Jason told me. Man, the face on that guy. He always looks like he just found his daughter in bed with a Democrat."
Hanna: "Don't talk to him. As will become clear later, there are reasons he's all on my jock this week."
Spencer: "Maybe you could talk to him, though. What if Wilden's just trying to scare you?"
Hanna: "He's not, I'm just paralyzed for reasons, again, that you don't know yet. I guess I can just chill and wait for your mom to save me -- or at the very least, hope Ashley goes on a bender and extends her weekend."
BREW
Emily: "There are things you need to know. About Jenna. Like she dated Garrett Reynolds."
Nate: "Whew! She could have been his victim!"
Emily: "I mean to say, actually, the complete opposite of what you think I am saying."
Nate: "No, don't you worry about it. I won't tell her you told me about her dating a serial killer of women. We're friends!"
Smiles all around. It's so funny watching Emily get stymied like this, after all season of her constantly bucking at Jenna or even Jenna-like shapes trying to bash her in the tits, and now this guy's all like, "I can't even hear you when you talk, little girl! But thanks for blabbering a bunch of things I wasn't listening to!"
ICE CREAM
Pastor Ted is adorable on their date, and almost insufferably interesting -- "If you're ever in Phuket in September, bring an umbrella!" he says, and later we learn that he "heard the call while boogie-boarding in Samoa" -- to a degree that would be, on a lesser man, a dealbreaker... But what does it is the way he eats his ice cream: Swirls the spoon around and around like he's building a model of a mountain for a Close Encounter.
I have never seen a person eat ice cream like that, much less been married to one and dated a second one, but it seems satisfying in some way. I will try it some sunny day. Anyway, this puts Ella off -- for the reasons you think it does, namely that her ex-husband also ate his ice cream into mountain shapes and eventually was abducted by aliens of course -- and does not do a very good job of hiding the fact that she has entirely lost interest in the concept of Pastor Ted.
Man! Pastor Ted is perfect! I would lock that shit down so fast. Why aren't the ladies lining up? It's all, "Ooh, you eat your ice cream like an alien abductee" or "Meh, I have a history rich with theft and fraud and murder and sex blackmail." Even Hanna is just vicious to him. Maybe they're sensing something I am unable to sense? Or maybe in Rosewood you have to jump through a few hoops so they know you're not impersonating architects or installing mini-cameras up in their shit or leaving Ouija boards around.
OH GIRL
Hanna's got DiLaurentis staked out, so I guess we're about to find out what happened.
Hanna: "Mr. DiLaurentis!"
Mr. D: "Hanna. Ugh."
Hanna: "Look, I'm just... I've been thinking about this for a year and I thought about writing you a letter but I don't know what I would say, except that I'm really sorry."
Mr. D: "Ugh."
Hanna: "I know that I added to your family's suffering in some way, and I take full responsibility. But I would never mess with that grave, either. All I want is for Alison to be at peace."
Mr. D: "That sets me off for some reason! A friend would never do what you did. At the time, it felt like a childish prank... Seems like you've gotten crueler with age."
...Or not. I guess we will not yet be finding out what happened. The first time through this episode I was like, "Holy shit, what massive thing do I not know? Have I been embarrassing myself this whole time with my incompetence? What did Hanna do?" I was relieved to learn that it wasn't me being crazy, but the show -- and even more relieved to confirm, as we will, that it was being crazy on purpose.
RADLEY
Mona's building a house of cards and talking in crazy talk -- or maybe is it a code? -- but whatever it is, Aria's every bit as frustrated by her nonsense as you'd expect.
Mona, verbatim: "You Need A Good Foundation. Start With A Good Foundation, And You Can Build Anything."
Aria: "Sorry Hanna couldn't make it."
Mona: Grrrrrrr.
Mona tells Nurse Lisa it's time for her medicine, and -- this was awesome -- estimates that Aria has about 25 seconds to cut to the gist, while she's gone.
Aria: "Okay the Ouija board planchette that Hanna buried with Alison turned up in her house today and it's not the first thing that showed up and I know you hate me and I'm not your biggest fan either because you were A for two seasons of this show but if you know anything about what's going on right now I would real..."
Time. And visiting hours are also over, so Nurse Lisa shuffles Mona off and Aria's just like, "If you love Mona like we both know you do, tell me who's hurting her this time?" No dice.
Mona: "It Isn't Me... Tell Hanna I'm Sorry."
EXT RADLEY
Aria: "You didn't have to come all the way here. I don't have anything to tell you anyway, that bitch is insane. Her visits are supervised... She just said to tell you she's sorry. I'm starting to wonder if she's even A-Team at this point. She seemed really sincere."
Hanna: "Even if she's not behind this latest thing, we both know she knows who is. Now, go home. I'm going to break into this mental institution now. I know my way around, there's a shift-change in twenty."
Aria: "Hanna, really? We can just come back tomorrow."
Hanna: "Nope, it's gotta be now. Why are you challenging me?"
Aria, verbatim: "Friends don't let friends sneak into insane asylums alone."
EXT HEINOUS & HORRIBLE
Cece: "Did you bring me coffee from all the way across the street? Girl, I'm way more likely to give you a tumble than my dead twin, but you gotta give a girl a minute."
Emily: "Um, this Americano is for me. I don't actually have time to worry about you right now."
Cece: "So, did you tell Nate how much we hate Jenna?"
Emily: "It was weird, I think I convinced him to like her more somehow. Boys."
Cece: "You'd better give me your number, so I can dick with your mind more efficiently."
They trade phones, and Cece immediately dials Jenna's phone from Emily's, because she really just might as well be Alison I guess. The awesome thing is, while she's dialing, she like offhandedly asks about Jason and if Emily sees him much and if he's single. It's amazing how efficient she is with this kind of thing. The PLLs could learn, as they say, a thing or two. Emily is amazed too, just amazed, at how this all goes down. It is great.
Cece: "Hi! Is this Jenna? The better question is, Who the hell are you, and why are you going out with my boyfriend? Oh, you didn't? Because I think that you did know, and just didn't care! Here's what I know: If I ever see you anywhere near Nate, I will scratch your eyes out! Click."
Emily, hilariously: "Cece! She used to be blind!"
Cece: "Fuck it. It's not like we* shot a unicorn, we're helping out your friend. You want me to call her back?"
Emily: "Don't think I didn't catch that 'we,' you old DiLaurentis Doppelganger. That is such a total Alison move it's unbelievable. But yes. I mean, no. I mean thank you. I mean I have to go."
Cece: "That's what I thought. Problem solved. See you around, Americano!"
And with that she is gone. This is just like with Twin Peaks when I was a kid and my genius theory was that Laura's spirit had possessed Donna, and that was why Audrey was so much awesomer than everybody else. Because this bitch is pretty much Alison. And that is excellent. If we didn't all love the actress that plays Ali so much, I'd assume we were into this for the long haul, but fingers crossed she pulls some more shit like this before she goes wherever people go on this show.
BREW
Ella: "I'm back, and this time I'm looking for Emily. My daughter is ignoring my frantic dating-related calls and texts."
Zack: "She left, sorry. How was your date?"
Ella: "It was fine. He eats ice cream in this way... I can't explain it."
Zack: "Well, here are some muffins we will eat as I begin my slow seduction of you."
So many adorable giggles, I can't stand it. She is so cool, but also fairly open to it, but also like oh, you about it, and then also the giggles. Ella, my dear, you are the Higgs.
Ella: "I'm Ella Montgomery! I don't date child-baristas."
Zack: "Actually, I am the owner of this Brew."
Ella: "But you're such a bro!"
Zack: "And yet. I am the Brew Bro. And I will be your suitor."
Ella: "We'll see about that. And by that I mean, yes absolutely. But you should probably get another muffin, because these two are for Ella."
RADLEY AFTER HOURS
So this part was crazy! Cuckoo-bonkers. So great. Aria and Hanna duck orderlies and stuff, and of course everything is like Beetlejuice and weird lights from weird locations and the angles aren't right and the camera is up to things, and finally they get to her room and Mona's just chillin'. Just sittin' there, in the dark, as one does.
Mona: "Hanna? What Are You Doing Here? Is Everything Okay?"
Hanna: "No, bitch! They think I killed everybody! So tell me who else knows about that time we summoned Alison's ghost before DiLaurentis comes after me his own self."
Aria enters, to another serious growl from Mona.
Mona: "What Is She Doing Back Here?"
Aria: "Um, 'she' never left. And 'she' is about to knock your block off if you don't help Hanna. Why are you challenging me? Talk!"
Mona: "Can I?"
Burn! It doesn't seem like it, but the eyebrow and everything in her posture and face are like just the presence of Aria in the middle of her Hanna time is this grotesque offense against nature and etiquette, it's great.
Mona: "Does She Know About That Day?"
Hanna: "Shut up, lady. That's not why I'm here."
Mona: "Is He Really Still Mad At You?"
Hanna: "I feel really dumb about that and I don't want to talk about it in front of..."
Mona: "I Won't Say Anything If You Don't Want Me To!"
Hanna: "Oh my God, just stop talking in code and tell the story."
FLASHBACK
Mona was telling Hanna about their new bestie code that they could use with each other where it's basically acrostics: "She Lives Under Trees" means "SLUT," etc. And then all of a sudden Mr. D ran up and -- Jason pulling manfully at him, apparently free from the curse of marijuana for the moment -- tried to beat Hanna's ass! But why?
RADLEY
Hanna: "Yeah, so I was freaked out and tremendously excited by the idea that Alison wasn't dead so much as hanging out on people's patios in secret, so without thinking too hard about it, I called her mom. You know, the dangerously volatile alcoholic. And then they found her body three days later."
Aria: "Jesus, Hanna. You really pulled a Hanna."
Hanna: "I know! Anyway, he's still pissed. And now A is using it to..."
Aria: "-- Hey, where's Mona?"
Hanna: "Aw, man. Did we somehow help her escape the mental institution? Where are your car keys?"
IS MONA DRIVING?
No, she is not. It's Jason, but the way it's filmed it seems like Spencer is about to get rammed off the road by Mona, driving Aria's car. Which is maybe far-fetched until you remember that Hanna was there, and then it just seems like the obvious thing that is happening... But it is not! It's Jason, drunk and maybe high, blasting music and zooming all over the road, and eventually he runs into a random car.
Spencer, being the level-headed non-lunatic that she is, abandons her own car at the scene of the accident, gets drunk Jason over into the other seat, and drives directly to Toby's house. I mean, I get it, her thing here: She feels responsible for Jason falling off the wagon, because of the anklet debacle, and probably she also just wants to fix like one thing or have a single family member. They've set up this whole deal very well, actually: The tenor of their relationship, like, "we can only count on each other," has been rising very quietly ever since they found out, and now it's happening in a way where she can only get pulled further into whatever secondary shit he's actually getting into. Magical, all of it.
RADLEY
Outside, dogs are barking and literal cats are literally yowling, is how scary that place is at night. Hanna and Aria go creepin' through the halls again, searching I guess the entire place in case Mona didn't just slip out the same door they came in through and is now wandering the night, but whatever. One notable line of dialogue: "I'm going to twist Mona's head off."
Do they still think she's A? Who knows, but she's still a part of things for sure. They keep saying that over and over and it still seems to mean something we don't get yet. They come to a huge door that reads, CHILDREN'S WARD, DEDICATED 1931, which because they are just girls and don't know what video games are, have no idea that clearly whatever the worst thing is in this entire game is behind that door. Jesus.
Oh, and on the floor is a picked padlock, a huge cartoony one from the same era, with those tweezers sticking out of it.
Hanna: "So. Those are mine..."
Aria: "Hanna! You gave tweezers to a mental patient?"
TOBY CAVANAUGH'S PIED-À-TALON
Toby: "Whine whine whine?"
Spencer: "Why are you challenging me? Ugh, just take me to my car, okay? And move that ass."
Toby: "But..."
Spencer: "I said move that ass, Cavanaugh."
Too late!
Wilden: "Hey, everybody! Hey, unemancipated minor who lives in the attic of a coffee shop! Hey, Spencer Hastings! Why did I just find your car sitting around in the middle of the street near an accident?"
Spencer: "I don't know, Officer Wilden. Maybe it was trying and failing to solve a simple murder case and just got tired and lame?"
Toby: "It must have been stolen, because she's been with me all night."
Wilden: "Doing what? Ugh, who cares. I have like four other characters to menace, I gotta go."
Toby: "More whining!"
Spencer: "Look, shit moves fast around here. I rescued Jason from a hit-and-run because he was drunk. No big deal. And then you stood around here making your Toby faces forever, and now my car's been impounded, and..."
Toby: "Spencer, I spent most of the last two seasons getting harassed by the cops for no reason. And now you want me to... Do you realize I just told the cops a felony-level lie?"
Spencer: "Uh, good thing we're dating, huh?"
THE WARD
They finally find Mona in the Ward -- which, by the way there are giant cribs everywhere, which just the idea of giant cribs makes me want to run out into the yard -- and what she is doing is, she is humming a weird song and brushing a doll's hair.
Mona, singsong: "Miss Aria, You're A Killer, Not Ezra's Wife. Miss Aria You're A Killer, Not Ezra's Wife..."
Aria: "Bitch, quit."
Mona: "Where Were We? Maya's Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett's All Rosy, Count On Me. Where Were We? No One To Save Ali From Evil. No One To Save Ali From Evil."
Nurse Lisa: "Girl, we've been looking everywhere for you. The Spooky Library, the Boiler Room with Piles of Coal, even the Rooftop Widow's Walk. You've led us quite the merry chase."
Mona: "I Missed My Dolls. Where Were We? Maya's Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett's All Rosy, Count On Me. Where Were We?"
Hanna & Aria: "Holy shit."
BREW/MONTGOMERY
Ella: "I was having a dating emergency! Where were you?"
Aria: "Um, having a permanent freakout at a mental institution based on some freaky behavior. How did your date go?"
Ella: "The first one was meh. He ate ice cream like your father."
Aria: "I guess I can see your problem... Wait, 'first' one?"
Ella: "Yeah, I'm on another date now, I guess? With Zach? A guy named Zach."
Aria: "So what was the problem with Ted?"
Ella: "Not a problem per se, he would have been the right choice when I was 19 -- I mean, not at the age he is now, but we were our same ages apart, whatever -- like he's smart and funny and boogie-boards and whatever. I am just exploring possibilities, I guess. And baked goods."
Aria: "Yeah, you're definitely wearing a scarf time."
Ella: "Never again. Not even that Vera crap from Hopeless & Heartless Boutique across the street."
Aria: "Okay well. This is amazing, great stuff, Mom. I would love to hear about it tomorrow. Right now I have to shake out all the willies -- and that might take a while -- before I can sleep."
Ella, verbatim: "God! You used to be so much more fun!"
Aria: "And then I grew up. Go to bed, Mom."
Both of them: Totally loving it.
Aria flops down to Hanna and they try to sleep and for some reason Hanna's got a doll in the bed with them -- like any of them would ever have a doll in their whole house at this point, much less in the bed with them -- and she just kind of tosses it on the floor so it can stare up at her, but the funniest in a long stretch of funny Aria lines happens first:
Hanna: "What's up with your mom?"
Aria: "She's a slut. Go to sleep."
You gotta get up pretty early to earn that as the funniest line of an episode, and this episode has done so. Man.
"...PLE"? APPLEWOOD GRILLE PERHAPS?
Yeah, based on the fact that Nate's in there getting stood up by a formerly blind girl who thinks he has a psycho ex-girlfriend, probably. That tends to be a Grille moment. Or a spotting Jenna on a date moment too, actually. Or Noel Ka... No. I can't even talk about him right now. It's all just too much.
BED
Hanna still can't sleep. Where is your lip gloss?
It's 11:38 PM in Rosewood PA, do you know where your children are? How about your stalker(s)? Dead or not dead best friends, crushes, lesbian lovers? Do you know where your mom is at? How about your werewolf ex-boyfriend's mom? Do you know where your ankle bracelet is?
Suddenly, her eyes pop open. It was the code!
Miss Aria, You're A Killer, Not Ezra's Wife. Miss Aria You're A Killer, Not Ezra's Wife. Where Were We? Maya's Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett's All Rosy, Count On Me. Where Were We? No One To Save Ali From Evil. No One To Save Ali From Evil.
MAYA KNEW. MAYA KNEW.
WWW.MASSUGAR.COM
WWW.MASSUGAR.COM
LIARS MEETING IMMEDIATELY
Spencer: "Shit, a code? I've been waiting my whole life for this."
Hanna: "She was talking in code because Aria was there."
Aria: "Wait, this is now my fault? Uh, you gave that girl tweezers!"
Hanna: "No, I'm just saying she was being a bitch. And that she wanted me to remember that day she taught me the code, because it has to do with Mr. DiLaurentis attacking me physically, because it has to do with the Ouija board. Which we kind of already knew because of that thing showing up in my kitchen, but this is way too cool to poke holes in it right now."
Spencer: "I have a French exam at eight AM. Skip to the solution."
Hanna: "No One To Save Ali From Evil."
Spencer: "Not safe."
Everybody: Stares at her like she is a mind witch.
Spencer: "Come on, guys. It's not that hard to figure out."
Hanna: "Oh, and I just randomly remember her whole other poem she kept saying."
Nobody: Stares at her, even though that's way more impressive.
So they type in the website, and up pops Maya -- whose middle name was Anne, just like most Slayers, which gives us "MAS Sugar" -- throwing some horrible peace sign. And then they are stymied, because they need a password.
Aria: "Did Mona mean she's not safe? Or that we're not?"
Um, I think we can all agree that one's moot, dear heart. You are most assuredly not safe. And Mona's safety is secondary to the problem of obviously figure out the password now. Your thoughts? Tell Hanna "I'm Sorry," that was my first thought. Or something doll-related. I do very much love getting confirmation, though, on the fact that Maya was learning more about the A-Team, because they haven't hit that note in a while. Oh, Maya. You are missed, sort of.
CHILDREN'S WARD
The camera moves all through the whole area, the weird shapes and catty-corner giant cribs and strange lights and off shadows and everything wrong. And then baby cribs, like in NICU, including a couple that maybe have twins in them. And then A picks up one of the dolls, twists the head off -- just like Aria said -- and produces an old timey tape recorder so she can listen to the Liars talking to weird old Mona.
No one to save Ali from evil. No one to save Ali from evil. No one to save Ali from evil.
WEEK
OMG their Ezria love has overcome so many problems related to how they are completely inappropriate for one another, and then here comes another one, in the form of Ezra's mother. Who, by the look of things, is not having Aria's mess. As expected, somebody -- Spencer, turns out -- is going to get Caleb to do the easy work of hacking the Maya website. And Emily is gonna go a few more rounds with Paige and with That Night and her fault memory. Oooh!
Where do you think she went? Besides on a joyride with a blind girl and into the past and also a graveyard? I am going to say Brookhaven or Lost Woods, but only because that's what I always say. Maybe she went to a rave with Noel, or got together with Cece Drake and cooked up a virtual reality simulacrum of some sort.
TWO WEEKS
All that is necessary to know is that it's called "The Kahn Game," and there's a party at Noel Kahn's house, and even just thinking about those words is more magical than this wonderful episode was.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.