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While you may be wondering whether or not Lucas is dead, the show is not interested in answering that question beyond Hanna just having this "feeling" like he's okay. It would be more specific if you had a "feeling" that he was traveling around Pennsylvania selling off his comics and "collectibles" in order to pay back some four grand he stole from Caleb that we never knew about, although if you'd noticed the website Lucas was being sketchy about two weeks ago, you'd have seen the whole thing coming. Anyway, he's back, and Caleb and Hanna are somewhat disappointed with him, but at least he's not A. (And at least Hanna Marin did not murder him, which was the funniest thing about the episode in that nobody was concerned about that whatsoever.)
Because another thing Hanna doesn't have time for this week is your mess. Whether it's Mona Vanderwaal crying about the admittedly brutal tragedy of losing Noel Kahn once again, or Caleb trying to find his BFF Lucas after Hanna killed him in a boat, or Emily trying to find a fake ID for Maya as if anybody would ever fucking card Maya, Aria whining about which of the identical Sad Young Literary Men of Rosewood she'll choose for her beau, or Spencer going nuts about some crap she found at the lake house: Hanna doesn't give a hump! She just wants to get crunk, make it through the night without getting murdered, and live long enough to see a day where a ghost ninja isn't constantly following her around, constructing these elaborate grand guignol set pieces every time her back is turned.
In other news: Maya hooked up with a man while she was at Jesus Camp, and now he's acting a little stalkery; Spencer makes friends with Mona Vanderwaal, kind of; Holden and Aria enter into some kind of Hollywood mutual-bearding scenario so she can continue to make her insane mooncalf eyes at Ezra all the time; and Spencer finds a bunch of burner phones in the lake house which lead her indirectly toward making friends with a hot blind fella at Jenna's old Blind People School, who tells her how to identify Sugar in the Raw without using the power of sight and also leads her to the biggest clue of the night: Garrett checked Jenna out of Blind People School the night Alison vanished, and they never checked back in.
week: Another attempt on Toby's life, yet another video of Alison's last minutes on Earth, and though Caleb will probably already be back to giving Lucas piggyback rides around town, I'm guessing Noel Kahn will not be answering for himself.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Hanna had two problems: One was that the other Liars wanted to use Caleb's cyberwolf powers for their intended purpose, which would get him killed by A. The other was that Lucas was acting even weirder than usual and she decided he was trying to kill her, so she killed him first.
Meanwhile, Emily was working a teen hotline and trying to negotiate a new relationship with old flame Maya; Aria was stalking poor terrified Ezra Fitz with the lunatic eyeballs of a poet scorned; and Spencer... I mean, she was doing her thing. Her crazy, scary, awesome thing. Oh, and Noel Kahn and Mona were back together, which generally means good things for the harvest, in the ways of our people.
IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD
Well, Noel Kahn has broken up with Mona again. I think that's pretty important. But first, let's see what happened immediately after Hanna murdered her best guy friend and secret spare boyfriend for no real reason other than A) the rampant paranoia that rules these young ladies' lives, and B) the rampant creepiness that is Lucas's natural legacy.
Liars: "Hanna, once again your luck with modes of transportation rivals that of the Kennedy Clan. Have a blanket and some soup and call your boyfriend back."
Hanna: "I'd prefer to stare out this window thinking about how Lucas is probably out there somewhere still trying to kill me, despite all evidence to the contrary."
Spencer: "How long is that going to take? Because that bizarre clue Caleb gave us last week about the dolls living in my attic is still something nobody is interested in hearing."
Aria: "And while we're on the subject of me, I wish Ezra would call me back."
Emily: "Is it ruled out that Lucas is being manipulated by A, like we're constantly being? Doesn't that make more sense than anything else?"
Hanna: "I forgot to tell you this one during The Case Of The Stump, but Lucas totally destroyed Alison's memorial last season. That fact seems more important to me tonight."
Liars: "Well, Alison was awful to him and we all knew that. Any one of us could have done that. The girl was awful."
Hanna, slugging out of her ever-present "water" bottle: "And yet. Yet, perhaps, I am now that stump."
Aria: "Hanna! Don't drink that!"
Hanna: "Why? Is it not vodka?"
It Is: Not. It is lake water. Gross!
A: "Choke on this lake water, bitch!"
Hanna: "Please don't tell me A is coming back up my ass. I thought for sure Aria was going to get it ."
MARIN, AM
Ashley: "Okay, if you were wondering whether you killed Lucas, he's now roaming the countryside calling his parents from different numbers. So that's good."
Hanna: "Can we like just not talk about Lucas for one hot second?"
Ashley: "I'm thinking it would be nice to at least chat with his parents about the fact that my daughter threw a party from which he still has not returned."
Hanna: "He has clearly recovered!"
Emily: "Let's just go to Spencer's. She'll know what to do. Or at least make up something crazy that we can focus on while we wait for Lucas to come kill you."
HASTINGS HOUSE FOR PARENTLESS LOONYBIRDS
Spencer: "Will you finally listen to this clue?"
Liars: "Fine."
Spencer: "Those dolls used to live in my attic. That means A probably spends time in my lake house, and attic. Possibly with Lucas."
Hanna: "You mean like a timeshare?"
Spencer: "No, I mean like where you fucked a werewolf on my Nana's loveseat. And P.S., I am still not done bitching about that."
Spencer produces several prepaid burner phones -- an industry which in 2012 seems to be entirely underwritten by ABC Family shows and Nancy Botwin -- along with a receipt from a place called Smitty's that is apparently found in Philadelphia but whose custom we do not yet know. She wants the girls to go back with her to the lake house to see if they can get more people murdered; everybody is in even though they all have dating problems that, only on this show, must take precedence.
SCHOOL HALLWAY, FOR E.G.
Aria: "So I'm on the phone stalking Ezra Fitz when my mom walks in, and I immediately start pretending that I'm on the phone with Holden Strauss."
Spencer: "Who?"
Aria: "You know, Holden Strauss. That guy that looks exactly like every other single guy on this entire show? Just came back from Portugal?"
Spencer: "Oh right. The guy you have all those hilarious preschool inside jokes with. But listen, why did any of this go down? Why imaginary calls with Holden? Why call Ezra from your house?"
Aria: "I just honestly lost my shit."
Spencer: "I am not an expert in that. Please elaborate by demonstrating exactly how deluded you continue to be."
Aria: "Here's what I'm thinking, is that eventually my parents will come around. Then it's just a simple matter of hounding Ezra to the ends of the earth, and then we'll get married."
Holden: "Hey, guys! Aria, I sure am happy to see you."
Spencer: "Hey, Holden! We have an easygoing chemistry that makes it seem like we're also best friends from preschool, when in fact it's just that I have chemistry with everyone because I am marvelous."
Holden: "I am feeling that. Hey Aria, would you like to go on a date?"
Aria: "It was just an alibi, but now it is becoming real!"
Spencer: "You're cute and tiny and boys like you! Holden is your boyfriend! You have magic wishing powers! Quick, wish we don't die."
THE DEPTHS
Mona: "So like you know how I was dating Noel Kahn and then I wasn't and then I was and then we went skinny-dipping the night you were nearly murdered and ended up killing your best friend and now he is lurking around the tri-state area?"
Hanna: "Uh huh."
Mona: "Well, now Noel Kahn is breaking up with me again. Are you listening?"
Hanna: "To be honest..."
Mona: "Do not tell me you're worried about Lucas. So he tried to kill you in a boat, so what? So you clocked him with an oar and left him to do, so what? So he somehow survived and is now lurking about and will soon murder you in retaliation, so what?"
Hanna: "Each and every one of those things is not a So What."
Mona: "Did you hear me say Noel Kahn? Get some perspective."
Honestly. Meanwhile, I guess I should point out that they are both dressed like the hos in that Pat Benatar video, that chase the man so he'll stop being patriarchal.
Hanna: "Where's that dude going with my giant Homecoming Queen portrait?"
Mona: "Motherfucker, you best put that picture back."
Dude: "Realistically, you were doing community service on the side of the road not too long ago. Like Emily before you with the swimming team, token consequences must be demonstrated."
Mona: "That doesn't mean she's giving up the fucking crown, Bozo! Anyway, can I tell you more things about Noel Kahn?"
Hanna: "Um, uh huh."
Mona: "Are you even listening to me talk about Noel Kahn?"
Hanna: "Girl, I am in shock. I may have parasites from drinking lake water that I thought was vodka."
Mona: "You are so selfish! Call me when you're not recovering from a fight for your life out on a foggy lake, you crank!"
Hanna goes into the bathroom to cry, spends an inordinate amount of time getting creeped out in the stall by a mysterious bathroom lurker, and comes out to find the sink is overflowing onto the floor, with a tiny little rowboat floating around in it. Man, when A comes after Hanna it's always with such freakin' majesty.
CREEPSTER MAYA
Anonymous Caller: "Is this that sexy teen lesbian that works at the crisis center?"
Emily: "Uh, no. This is a private cell phone, freak."
Anonymous Caller: "But I have a crisis! In my pants!"
Emily: "Oh, for... This is Maya, isn't it? Fine, talk dirty to me."
Maya: "Hang on, call waiting... Okay, I have to act mysterious for a while. Forget I said that. Are we still going on a date?"
Emily: "Yes, to see a band I like. Lesbians historically are known to have great taste in music, so this should turn out well."
THE QUAD
Spencer is trying to figure out when the train is to Philly so she can check on this mysterious Smitty's, but she can't get service. Meanwhile, Aria is getting great service while she tries to buy tickets to this Arthur Miller play so she can take Holden and go spy on Ezra, who was going to take her before fate intervened and Byron caught his case of pedo hypocrisy.
Aria: "Wait, so is what I'm doing pretty dreadful? Using the new guy in town in an elaborate ruse to continue stalking the man I claim to love and yet persistently try to ruin both personally and professionally?"
Spencer: "You are talking to the wrong girl. I think it's romantic."
Aria trades phones with Spencer and immediately the train map "downloads" to her phone -- whatever the holy hell that means -- and Spencer's like, What? and Aria's like, I'm magic, bitch. Deal with it.
CALEB FIGHT
Caleb: "It sure is weird living in Lucas's house while he's off roaming the hillside acting sketchy. Good thing his parents love me. Good thing I have this weird quality where parents let me stay in their houses no matter how much hell I pull down on their kids."
Hanna: "I really don't want to talk about Lucas. I just want to know where he is, so I can be elsewhere."
Caleb: "Lucas? My best friend? The only person we like more than each other? The guy who helped throw my birthday party? We suddenly don't care about him. Huh."
Hanna: "I just think he needs to be alone. He's got a lot of stockpiling weapons and gadgets to do before I strand myself somewhere alone and dangerous."
Caleb: "Well, I want to go find him. I suggest the lake house where he was last seen alive."
Hanna: "Did I mention the lake water? I am not feeling it right now. He'll come home eventually. To murder me."
Caleb: "You are being a really bad friend to everybody today."
Hanna: "I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS TODAY CALEB."
Caleb: "Fine. I choose Lucas. Later."
SMITTY'S 9 3/4 INVISIBLE NEWSSTAND
Something is lacking in the transition from stage to screen, not sure what, but Spencer and Aria stand near this newsstand called SMITTY'S NEWSSTAND for about ten minutes talking about where is Smitty's and perchance it is this very newsstand they are standing at which is clearly labeled SMITTY'S NEWSSTAND, and they talk about how sometimes Spencer's creepy parents could be getting magazines from there, or maybe Melissa -- who lives a few blocks away -- could be doing the same, or be A, and then just as abruptly as they toss out these theories, they decide the recon trip was a bust, and Aria heads off to meet Holden for the play.
Meanwhile, Spencer goes into some kind of fugue state where you see two red cars and suddenly it's like almost all the cars are red that you can see and the Matrix has you. Only instead of red cars everywhere, it's blind people. Probably they are amassing on Jenna's orders and she's about to get some Blind Justice upside the head, but not even Spencer is crazy enough to go there first: In fact, there must be a blind people place around here somewhere. So she goes to find that, abandoning the last -- what -- six clues that brought her here.
CRISIS MGMT
Emily tells Maya about the crisis hotline and they do a lot of hand-holding and canoodling because what is more romantic than suicidal teens, and they have this complex plan about getting dinner before the show but then Maya gets another mysterious call and begs off, saying they can just meet up later. And while any of the Liars would just to this conclusion, it's a symptom of being Emily -- and maybe even moreso, a symptom of dating somebody as all-out sketch as Maya -- that she presumes A is involved somehow.
BLIND PEOPLE LOCATION
The lady at the Blind People Rehabilitation Center is none too helpful, even though Spencer puts on her best authority-pleasing grin and tries to make her fall in love. But no, patient records are confidential and no amount of "I randomly remembered my best friend use to be blind here" is going to budge her. Luckily, there's an angelic-looking blind feller just sitting around being blind nearby, who overhears the whole thing and immediately offers Spencer all his Jenna Marshall intel.
MARIN BRIEFING
Emily: "You sure do keep washing your ubiquitous water bottle over and over."
Hanna: "How am I supposed to keep my vodka handy if it tastes like shame and lake water?"
Emily: "Valid. Hey, remember how I'm kind of dating that girl Maya? I think maybe she is being harassed or blackmailed by A."
Hanna: "She's not."
Emily: "Okay but then why is she being so cryptic?"
Hanna: "Literally a million possible reasons. People will surprise you. Like for example, Caleb and Mona are pissed at me because of things I can't tell them. Likewise, maybe Maya is just trying to protect you from something. Count your blessings, baby girl."
Emily: "We are both having the same problems in opposing ways."
BLIND PEOPLE TEA PARTY
Spencer brings the guy some coffee, and then he shows her a trick where he is able to find the Sugar In The Raw among the various packets of aspartame death through his sense of touch. Spencer is amazed. She realizes she wants all the blind people powers and none of their weaknesses, just like the Daywalker they call Blade.
Guy: "I was born with a genetic thing where I slowly was going blind. You would think that when it finally happened, I'd be prepared, but no. I flipped out. Jenna Marshall helped me with that."
Spencer: "In a mean, creepy, but ultimately redemptive way?"
Guy: "No, mostly just by being her weird self. She is a determined young lady. Anyway, one of the things she was determined about was rehabilitating her shit in record time so she could get out of here and go back and murder four or five girls in her hometown using a complex system of blackmail and esoteric secret societies. It was totally inspiring."
Spencer: "She sounds awesome. So listen, did she ever tell you more specific things?"
Guy: "No. She taught me about the healing power of art, and how to tell if someone is lying by feeling their pulse, and also how to read minds. But nothing about which five girls specifically would be paying for causing her blindness. I have to go now."
The lady yells at Spencer as she's leaving that she needs to sign herself in and out, having visited with the blind angelic guy, and then the lady disappears just long enough that Spencer can steal the self-same logbook from the year that Jenna spent here recovering from the time that Spencer and her friends blinded her with explosives.
COMPARING NOTES
Aria: "Why are you asking me for a fake ID? We all got our new ones together, that time that we randomly remembered seeing Alison murder a co-ed for flirting with Noel Kahn or Ian or something, and then immediately forgot seeing that happen."
Emily: "This one is for Maya."
Aria: "First of all, like Maya would ever get carded in a million years. And second of all, I look nothing like Maya. It'll never work."
Emily: "The place we're going is in Jersey."
Aria: "Nuff said."
Emily & Aria: "Now, Hanna, are you set with everything you need? As long as we're leaving you here alone to get murdered by Lucas, we mean."
Hanna: "I'm good, thanks. I'm feeling kind of mopey due to Caleb and Mona yelling at me and not knowing that Lucas is a dangerous person, according to us."
Emily & Aria: "Wow, so you have no friends, you're totally alone with a person on his way here to murder you, and this house gets broken into more than any other location on this burglary-infested television show, except possibly the various Hastings properties. Clearly you'll be fine."
UNDER THE VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE
Aria: "Holden! I'm so excited about our very real, not at all an excuse for stalking, very much honest attempt at getting together! Here, have some more hilarious preschool in-jokes."
Holden's Mother: Sounds like a trip, from what they're talking about.
Ezra gets out of a towncar and when he sees Aria staring at him he gulps and maybe pees a little. All he is thinking about is how pretty he is and what is going to happen in prison; all she is thinking about is how fucking magical and romantic it is, that they just happened to run into each other on this sidewalk where she knew exactly where he would be. Possibly he sees the crazy look in her eyes and realizes that they never even really knew each other; mostly he just looks like he's going to ralph.
Some Rosewood Teacher Lady: "Hey, what a coincidence! Holden, I haven't seen you since you were in preschool with Aria here."
Holden: "Allow me to entertain you with some hilarious anecdotes about that."
Teacher: "So you guys like Arthur Miller, huh?"
Holden: "Kind of. What's this play about?"
A View From The Bridge? Glad you asked. It's about this guy who is obsessed with his niece, who lets his wife's illegal immigrant cousins stay at their house until the niece falls in love with the gay one, then suddenly starts getting really weird on everybody and eventually gets everybody deported, ironically except the gay one, who is engaged to his niece. And like that's not a bad enough day, he gets into a fight with the awesome brother of the gay one, in front of the whole neighborhood and everybody figures out he's the traitor, and then he attacks the awesome brother and dies, The End.
Teacher: "I think it's about Lucas and Caleb. Anyway, there's my Platonic date, Ezra Fitz. See you kids inside!"
Aria: Stares so hard at Ezra she walks into a wall.
AND AFTER ALL, YOU'RE MY VANDERWAAL
Spencer gets home from the city -- I guess the train station is also where Therapy Anne used to work before she disappeared -- and immediately Spidey senses that she is going to be murdered. But then it's not a crazed psycho! Just Mona Vanderwaal. Regular psycho.
Mona: "It would have been nice to ride back from the city with you, since I don't have any friends and my boyfriend just broke up with me. Hey, could you tell Hanna I'm sorry for being so weird about... Never mind, you know what."
Spencer: "No, you're being really pathetic and it's turning on my compassion for you, which I didn't even know was a thing. Sorry things are rough with Hanna. I myself had to dump my boyfriend for reasons that are not material to this conversation."
Mona: "Like I went to the city to get some shopping therapy but I think somehow either I am growing as a person or the breakup has driven me insane, because I bought these five cashmere-blend twinsets, which did not fill the void."
Mona, verbatim/awesome: "Have you ever seen me in a sweater set? No! Because I don't wear sweater sets. Or blends. I think he broke me."
Spencer, same: "I don't that you didn't ask me, but I think that you can raise the bar a little bit. I know that there are plenty of guys..."
Mona: "Do you know how hard I have to work to get a guy like Noel Kahn to go out with me?"
Jacob: "Clearly not hard enough, babe."
Spencer: "Well, if you've become the Mona you want to be, why are you letting Noel Kahn tell you that you're not good enough?
Jacob: "Um, Noel Kahn is the kind of guy wars are fought over."
Spencer: "You cannot let him send you spinning backwards like that."
Jacob: "You're a much better person than I am."
Mona: "You're, like, smart smart. I always thought you were just book smart. You want a sweater set? Cashmere blend?"
Oh my God. Not only was that entirely too sweet, and characteristic of Spencer -- and very much of a piece with the Mona we're finally coming to understand -- but also what a great little scene, period! Spencer, I take it back. You are the least crazy this week than you've been since the clock tower. Well done.
POST-PLAY FREAKSHOW
Teacher Lady: "I'm a dumb old broad who thinks children are stupid. Who knew teenagers could enjoy plays or anything not on the YouTubes [sic] or Website Pages?"
Aria: "I'm a pretentious twit who nonetheless has thousands of valid reasons to distrust anyone over the age of like 17."
Holden: "I'm still an unknown element but I can tell you that teens are fairly conscious of the world around them, whatever self-aggrandizing Baby Boomer bullshit you tell yourself."
Aria: "With the exception of me, of course. I'm too busy staring a hole in time and space looking for my elderly boyfriend."
Teacher Lady: "Oh, he's not here. You made him physically ill and he left ten minutes in. Shaking with pedophile desire, but gone nevertheless."
Aria: "I defy you, stars! Surely fate cannot be so cruel!"
Fate: "You absolutely have got to pull your shit together, Aria Montgomery."
MARIN MASSACRE PART I
Ashley: "Hanna, I'm just going to take a bath with these bottles of wine. Try not to get murdered while I'm strangely out of earshot, once again, in my own gorgeous home."
Hanna: "Cool, I'm going to keep calling Caleb over and over to dissuade him from trying to figure out what's wrong with his best friend."
Somebody: Immediately breaks into the house.
Hanna: Shuts the door, wind howling, and forgets to think about how she is about to get murdered.
JERSEY
Maya: "I sure did get over my reticence about dating you pretty fast... Oh, hell. Yet another mysterious call."
Emily: "Oh my God, Maya. Just tell me what's going on. Unless that seems needy and then, by all means, keep your own counsel."
Maya: "Okay, the truth is that I hooked up with somebody of an unstated gender at Jesus Camp, and that somebody whose gender I have not specified is now acting a little stalker-y."
Emily: "So it's a dude, then. I wish I could say I'm cool with that, but given the fact that I'm Emily it will take me the whole remainder of this sentence to get over it. My advice? Don't introduce him to Spencer."
POST-PLAY
Holden: "Hey, do you want to get some coffee? Like everyone else in the last several scenes, I feel I must remark upon the weather. It is getting blustery."
Aria: "Sure, whatever. I am on a lonely road, but I am traveling."
Holden: "Okay obviously you were dating that old guy. I don't think anybody missed that, especially once you'd stared him into stomach cramps."
Aria: "Yeah, it's kind of a long story. And I don't come off well."
Holden: "Listen, I got stuff too. How about we have a fake relationship to fool our parents about our sundry things?"
I mean, with this show who knows. Maybe he's a furry. Maybe he sells meth. But I speak from experience when I say that Aria Montgomery is pretty much precisely the last girl every gay dude dates. And vice versa, the perfect boyfriend for Aria Montgomery is a gay dude, which see above re: Ezra Fitz, although I don't really think he's gay. At least, not the way we're using it. And while I do think the Fag Hag thing is a pretty gross and worn-out cliché that isn't really relevant to the way people actually do things -- and it makes everybody look bad when you play that game -- the relationship behind it is indelible, because only gay dudes and hot chicks know what is Really Going On vis-à-vis men and women, because we're the only ones that pay for it.
MARIN MASSACRE PART II
While Ashley intermittently yells nonsense from the bathroom, Hanna finds herself in a predicament wherein Lucas is suddenly lurking in her bedroom. And you know, I've said before, it's a known, that Lucas is about ten times cuter than the show will allow us to say he is, because that's how TV works. And even still, boyfriend looks fine in this scene. No homo, but he looks probably the best he's ever looked.
Lucas: "Hanna! Don't struggle! I am not here to kill you!"
Hanna: "Where is Caleb? You killed him and now you're going to kill me! I have completely lost the thread of what's going on!"
He chases her around her bedroom for a while, yelling things that aren't really very informative, and she dials Caleb's cell phone so that he can hear their conversation, which, again, is not very informative. What she doesn't know, though, is that Caleb is even now rushing up the stairs, so there will be three people yelling and fighting literally across the hall from Ashley's bath time, and she won't care, because she is drunk.
Lucas: "Hey, Caleb. Look, guys. I'm really sorry. The truth of the mystery of me, which began at the hotline and continued to the canoe and is still going on, is both very simple and oddly contrived. Come with me now to another show you don't get to see on this show, wherein I explore the secrets."
It turns out that Caleb left Lucas with a shit-ton of money -- ill-gotten gains from his various werewolfing activities -- when he went to California to visit his new family. Lucas, with his interest in sabermetrics and whatever, tried to invest this in what he believed was a sure thing, but then one of the baseball teams in his elaborate system got disqualified, throwing off his brackets and bringing the whole thing down around his ears.
This is what he was crying about on the hotline, and it's why he's been so weird about Caleb being home, and it's also what he was trying to tell Hanna in the boat: He wanted her to back him when he finally told Caleb, and was being so sketchy because he was terrified that one or both of them would break up with him. Sad little tale, to be one that we never even heard of until just now. Where he's been since then, without Hanna's support and still anguishing over hurting Caleb's feelings, has been touring the nearby towns selling off his comics and collectibles to pay Caleb back.
Caleb, immediately and awesomely: "We'll work it out."
Lucas: "Check. And Hanna? Will we also work it out?"
Hanna: "Hit me up tomorrow, because I have fucking had it with you today."
AFTERMATH
Fact: Obviously it was not Lucas that beat hell out of Emily at the greenhouse.
Fact: Obviously it was not Lucas that replaced Hanna's vodka with lake water.
Fact: Obviously Hanna jumped the gun when she tried to kill him on the rowboat.
Conclusion: Mona Vanderwaal is A, murdered Alison with her bare hands, and has psychic powers.
Spencer: "Anyway. I brought over some Chinese takeout and this logbook from the Blind People Palace in the hopes that one of these days you assholes would pay attention to the clues that this show is about instead of going off on these constant wild good chases and wild goose dates with furries and old women."
Liars: "You've earned it. Show us what you've got."
Fact: Jenna told us that Alison blackmailed her to stay out of Rosewood during the 48 hours she was getting murdered.
Fact: Alison never signed in during that time to tell her that.
Conclusion: Alison is A, murdered herself by bludgeoning, and signs things in invisible ink.
Fact: Who did sign in, though, is Garrett Reynolds, who was there for twenty minutes before signing Jenna out for the night.
Fact: Neither Jenna nor Garrett's whereabouts, then, can be determined during the 48 hours it took for literally everybody on this show to either make out with or murder Alison DiLaurentis one by one.
Conclusion: Jenna and Garrett are A, murdered Alison through choking, and have a secret lair inside the lake house attic.
Hanna: "Can we just look at this later? I'm hungry and crabby."
Aria: "Sure, just let me pass you these dumplings!"
Chinese Food: "Worms. You're eating worms, Michael."
Liars: Freak out and throw the worms all over the place, screaming.
A: "Hope you like worms, bitches! This is what happens when you use yourself as live bait, Emily!"
A-TAG
Because the only working contractor in Rosewood Pennsylvania is an unemancipated minor by the name Toby Cavanaugh, clearly any sabotage being done to construction equipment is an attempt on his life.
WEEK
Toby falls off a thing, we get to see video of -- I am not shitting you -- yet another person murdering Alison on the night she was murdered, Caleb probably tries to help get Lucas back in Hanna's good graces while unknowingly exposing himself as a threat to A, Mona develops an unnerving attachment to Spencer, Jenna finally comes back to town having had cybernetic eyeballs installed in her face that can see into your soul, Ashley drinks some more wine and starts up a relationship with Noel Kahn, Maya starts a high-end catering business to support her secret children, and Aria enters yet another hand-holding relationship that can only end in tears.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.
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