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It's somebody's bright idea that violent drug offender Emily should do the remainder of her community service on a teen helpline, so of course every call she gets is from somebody she knows. Hilariously, it's Hermie the Hermaphrodite, seemingly copping to being the gender-neutral person that beat her up last week in that greenhouse, so of course -- since it's Emily -- she immediately becomes concerned for his wellbeing.
Obviously, everything he says works just as well for Lucas being A as it does for him complaining about being the third wheel in the Hanna/Caleb romance, so his warnings about doing something terrible, namely declaring his feelings for Hanna, are trumped up by the insane Liars into a threat to murder all of them. This ends up, don't ask, with Hanna and Lucas alone in the middle of the night in a rowboat, where a hyped-up Hanna decides to knock his ass out with an oar and leave him there to die in a heretofore unknown level of the Friend Zone.
Spencer and Hanna throw Caleb a surprise birthday party that ends in tragedy, because have you ever seen this show. Meanwhile, in a last-ditch effort to become something more than the most fucked-up family in Rosewood not named "Hastings," Ella and Byron decide to take Aria to the only restaurant in town. This also, of course, ends in tragedy, but at least it's the kind where Ella kicks the usual amount of ass.
With Caleb's help -- and against Hanna's wishes -- Spencer gets exactly one single photo off A's all-powerful cellphone: A picture of the Chucky dolls, arrayed against a wall that turns out to be in the attic of her lake house. (Try and parse that concept all you want, it won't help.) And Spencer's left alone with this bemusingly bizarre fact, since everybody else is consumed with their various boyfriend problems, to wit:
After a sweet little makeout session with Spencer, Toby tries to counsel Garrett out of a teen crisis of his own, once Jenna leaves him in the dust and heads to Boston to get her eyeballs back. Never let it be said that a brother trying to reason with his rapist's boyfriend would be uncomplicated. Still have no idea what that's about. In happier news, Noel Kahn (!) and Mona Vanderwaal are back together, and in such a good mood they offer to help with the party itself. This weirds everybody out, but there's too much going on to really address it.
Ezra responds to several passably pleasant interactions with various Rosewood citizens by doing the sensible thing and calling things off with Aria forever. This causes her to go into Blair Waldorf levels of romantic hysterics, calling him unendingly from every telephone in the entire town. But the new arrival of one childhood friend could change everything, when you consider this cute new fellow is named Holden.
"Holden" being from the Old French "Holdeine," meaning "Everything Aria could possibly ever want, with her pretentious feather-wearing ass."
week: Lots of screaming and running about, Lucas presumably comes back from the dead and is coincidentally barred from apologizing for himself, Aria fakes everybody out by dating Holden but mostly herself, and almost assuredly we'll never hear about that cellphone ever again in our lives.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Spencer made the scariest face! Jenna made the most hilarious reference to her own blindness, the girls discovered a shovel and were forced to enter into a plea bargain for some reason, Ezra and Aria came out to her parents, Ashley Marin got a fax machine and her ex-husband moved back to town, Spencer dumped Toby. Oh, and Emily tricked A and got her ass beat, but at least we ended up with A's ghostly cell phone.
MOMENTS LATER
...We're actually following up on a cliffhanger for one of the first times ever. The ladies investigate the awesome greenhouse, looking for that empty box that Emily taunted A with, and getting yelled at by Emily for once again leaving her to the wolves.
Aria: "I did everything I could to make sure my parents would be pissed at me, then acted surprised! And I had to climb out a window!"
Spencer: "I was too busy yelling at Toby and cramming all the weapons in my kitchen into this giant sack!"
Hanna: "I was too busy receiving faxes and learning that my evil stepsister Kate is moving to Rosewood!"
Liars: "What? Your petty problems are completely equal to the fact that we are being hunted to extinction by an omnipresent adversary with invincible powers. Let's have a chat about that rather than of working to prolong our lives."
Spencer: "Hey guys, remember how we found A's cell phone? Let's call Caleb."
Hanna: "We are not involving Caleb in our ongoing murders. Take it to a phone store..."
Emily: "-- Do what?"
Hanna: "...Or call somebody at customer service!"
And say what? "I don't know my social, actually. I think it might have several sixes in it. My name? No idea. Starts with A. Look, can you please just give me my passcode? This is not a trick. I am just forgetful."
Spencer: "Okay, Hanna. You stay here being a moron, I'm sending the rest of the girls to Lucas's house to get our one hacker to do the one thing he ever does."
Hanna: "But my stepsister! Is moving to Rosewood!"
Spencer: "How long until A figures out we have her phone and then this clue stops mattering?"
Hanna: "I get that, but find another way. I'm not having Caleb go the way of Therapy Anne."
Aria: "Both of you stop yelling. Surely we can get Caleb to help without him..."
The phone rings from a blocked number, and they toss it back and forth like a hot potato.
Emily, awesomely: "Why me? I've still got glass in my hair from when A was beating me senseless. Somebody else answer it."
Hanna: "Should I tell A we have her phone?"
Spencer: "Yeah, she'll know that when you answer the phone."
More glass rains down on them and they run for the car, Emily offering to just call Caleb her damn self and forget Hanna altogether.
LATER
I guess they just overruled Hanna altogether, because she is sitting in the corner pissed as hell while Caleb does hacker things to the phone.
Spencer: "And we can't tell you why you're doing this or whose phone this is."
Caleb: "Are you guys sure about th... Oh, they just shut off the phone. I guess I can still do hacker things to the info we already got?"
Liars: "Yes."
Hanna: "Whatever."
Caleb: "Hanna, you're acting like you're not okay with this."
Liars: (Peer pressure of eyeballs.)
Hanna: (Very sad face like she can actually see him getting murdered from the future. Oh, well.)
MONTGOMERY
To be entirely fair, Aria is dressed like a hooker.
Byron: "Aria, are you honestly wearing that to school? It's hardly an appropriate example of what people generally refer to as 'clothing.'"
Aria: "That is true of every outfit I own, and you never said anything about it before now. Is this because I copped to being a willing participant in my own molestation?"
Byron: "I would be lying if I said otherwise. As an inveterate creeper and molester of my own students, I think I have a little authority here."
Ella: "He's kind of right, but this is more of a mother-daughter discussion. If you'll excuse us."
Ella: "Pick your battles. Here's the most clothing-like objects you own. Put 'em on."
Aria: "Parenting is not a battle, first of all. And second of all, I don't see how the fuck Byron gets off lecturing me about inappropriate relationships with..."
Ella: "-- Girl, no. Do not. It is too early in the motherfucking morning."
Aria: "I just hoped that you would give me a break."
Ella: "Are you high? You lied to us for a really long time. You, and an adult. A colleague. Lied to us. About scary shit."
Aria: "I just thought you'd act all crazy if you found out. You know, like you are."
Ella: "Uh huh, and you were right. And the fact that you knew to keep it a secret... Look. You're grounded. No more friends..."
Aria: "-- My friends are an entirely different issue from my mol..."
Ella: "-- Oh, in case it wasn't clear, Ezra is out of the picture. Not even goodbye, got it?"
Aria: "Do you like him?"
Ella: "Oh, for fuck's... Sure I did. Until I found out he was a sex offender who was fucking my daughter, I thought he was super cool. See how that sentence works?"
KEEP ON TRUCKIN', TRUCKBABY
Spencer: "We need to talk. Somewhere more private than the porch where your blind sister waits and stares and rocks back and forth, drinking out of a jar."
Toby: "How about inside this truck you bought me, with the windows wide open? About a foot further from the porch than where we just were?"
Spencer: "Yes, that is the appropriate amount of privacy."
(They get in the truckbaby.)
Spencer: "Look, I know you need answers. And like I said last night before you sabotaged it by accident, I am way close to giving you those answers. But it's still not safe."
Toby: "Then why did you come here?"
Spencer: "I missed you. Shutting you out is killin' me."
Toby: "You came here to tell me you can't come here? Illogical!"
They laugh, because they are autistic and that's funny to them, and then make out.
SCHOOL
Caleb: "Hey, that conversation that Spencer and Toby just had? Let's have that."
Hanna: "Yeah, verbatim!"
Caleb, verbatim: "We've gotten naked together in more ways than one, Hanna."
Hanna: "GROSS! You even looked like Ezra Fitz when you said that."
He asks her who the phone belongs to, and she changes the subject by calling Lucas over to study with him later. Caleb once again does his weird possessive "thanks for being friends with my girlfriend" thing, and Hanna bounces so he'll leave her alone.
JENNA THINGS
On some other show we only ever get to see pieces of, Jenna and Garrett have been fighting since last night, which still doesn't explain why Spencer keeps running into him in strange places and everybody acting like Jenna just left and he just missed her. Blind girl known for stealth. Anyway, he's all, "Stop punishing me and open the door!" Because Spence and Toby were full-on horizontal, he didn't see them when he was running around screaming. So they pop up and wonder, as we all do, what is going on with that other show about Jenna and Garrett.
Toby: "Man, they are really fighting about that eye operation she decided to get, down in the hospital laundry room that time."
Garrett: "It was fine until we brought in a third person!"
Spencer: "That doesn't sound like it's about an eye operation. It sounds like they are A."
Toby: "Or freaky-deaky."
Garrett: "Jenna, don't hang up! Just come to the door and stop yelling at me with ya blind ass. Dammit!"
He looks over, and sees Toby sitting in the truckbaby with Spencer's head in his lap and they are like, "Bitches, am I right?" Just kidding, he doesn't see Spencer because of her fast lapward reflexes. Just stares at Toby in the face for like one million years and wonders what he thinks that vague loud fight was about.
Garrett: "Hey, Toby! That wasn't anything about a cabal of spying, murdering perverts that we all belong to, okay? Just more of our weird sex games we're always doing in your living room where everybody can see us. Hey, actually, what are you doing the rest of the afternoon?"
Toby: "Sitting in my truck some more."
ENGLISH CLASS
The board says, "THE HUMAN CONDITION," so I guess that's what we're learning about this week. Emily is doing a makeup test or something, from when she was in the hospital, and Ella has no time for her guff.
Emily: "I can't come back after school, I have to do a different kind of community service for those times that Spencer kept beating me up in public. Crisis phone bank."
Ella: "Considering the wild shit that is always happening to you girls, maybe you can be of service in that arena. Hey Emily, what else don't I know about my daughter?"
Emily: "I don't know what you mean. The answer to that question is like if you divide by zero. There is too much to say, and nothing also."
Ella, still awesome: "Yeah, that was really unfair of me to ask you. I am kind of going through something."
Emily: "Look. Aria's the same pretentious douchebag she's always been. You loved her before and thought her nonsense was adorable. Nothing has changed."
AFTER SCHOOL
Aria commandeers Hanna's phone to leave Ezra a ridiculous message about how the parents will be coming around soon. For sure, Aria. That is totally going to happen.
Spencer: "How was that test? You know how important your grades are to me."
Emily: "I was unable to complete it, so we rescheduled. I have to go take on the burden of other people's problems in addition to my own, now."
Spencer, amazingly: "Damn. I was hoping you'd come sneaking around Jason's house with me."
Emily, making a fantastic face: "Bitch, we're back on Jason now? When did this happen?"
Spencer: "The third person in the Jenna/Garrett Threesome Thing is male. Who else would it be?"
Emily: "Ask Aria."
Spencer: "First of all, she's on house arrest for getting statutory raped. Second of all, she honestly believes Jason's been out of town, that moron. Like people go out of town. Like 'town' is a place that people go into and out of."
Emily: "People go out of town constantly on this show. Just because one time it turned out the guy had been murdered in a barn the whole time doesn't mean shit. People spend less time in Rosewood than they do out of it. Like your parents that hate you, for example. Or my ones that same thing. What about Hanna?"
Spencer: "She spent Science doodling me as a witch. Literally, that's how she expresses her rage. Whatever Therapy Anne did for her doesn't seem to have stuck."
Emily: "It's Hanna, she'll get over it. Take her to that lake house we're never talking about that she fucked Caleb on the couch that time."
Spencer: "Lake house... Maybe the lake house killed Alison!"
Emily: "Sure, whatever. I gotta go."
Spencer: "Never trusted that lake house."
(Beat.)
Spencer, verbatim: "...That was my nana's couch. Hanna, you whore."
TUTORING
Hanna: "So the Civil War. That was the one about tea, right? Lucas, are you listening?"
Lucas: "Sorry, I was just thinking about the Louisiana Purchase."
Hanna: "Lucas, concentrate on my needs. They are Special. I cannot even spell Louisiana."
Dear Pretty Little Liars: A little of this goes a long way. What starts as Phoebe Buffay can become, over time, a pretty depressing case of mental illness when you go cartoon like that.
Hanna: "Spencer keeps calling me and stuff, it's really irritating. Oh, she's offering me and Caleb her lake house. How annoying of her to repair our friendship with such thoughtful bribes."
Lucas: "Tell me more."
Hanna: "No problem. She's so high on Adderall right now she'll probably chuck in maid service and a limo if I keep her waiting."
Lucas: "Your life is not like other people's lives."
Hanna: "Check it out! While you were talking I decided to throw a birthday party for Caleb at the lake house! The exact opposite of any of what was offered. And you can help me plan it!"
Lucas: "How did your brain even..."
Hanna: "-- You're Caleb's best friend, it won't be weird at all! You guys are like Patrick and Sponge Bob!"
Lucas: "If you mean that we do gay stuff with each other, no comment."
Hanna: "He was raised by wolves in the forest! He's probably never had a birthday party before! Just a heap of rags and a fungal infection. It's awesome! We're doing this."
There's this complex moment where Hanna tries to sell it based on being important to Caleb and, since they both love Caleb so much, it's the neatest thing Lucas could ever do for Caleb. But her eyeballs are saying, "Since we both love me so much, it's the neatest thing you could ever do for me!" Or at least that's what Lucas hears her eyeballs saying.
CRISIS MGMT
Volunteer Wrangler: "Okay, miscreants including Emily and a grown woman wearing Aria's discarded hooker outfit from this morning, here are the rules. Anonymity is key."
Emily: "Um, why would this ever be a community service choice? We are criminals, we're already in deep emotional trouble. I myself am here on a plea bargain after killing several people. This is like putting the men of Rosewood on a rape crisis hotline."
Wrangler: "Let's rehearse a simple conversation. Remember, anonymity. This call came in last night."
They play it out, and it's amazing because the leader lady emotes more than most people on this show even just pretending to be A:
Volunteer (Emily): "Crisis hotline, can I help you?"
A (Wrangler): "I need to talk to someone. I'm in a bad place and I don't know what to do. I almost got caught last night."
Volunteer: "Well, calling here's a good start. Let's talk this through."
A: "I was asked to do something important and I tried my best, but I screwed it up."
Volunteer: "Okay. Maybe we can figure this out..."
A: "You don't understand, it's gone and I can't get it back. All I could do is shut it down."
Volunteer: "Shut what down? Can you tell me exactly what you've lost?"
A: "They're never going to forgive me! They're going to make my life a living hell! I might as well be dead!"
So yeah, they're talking about the phone, obviously, but Emily only clues in on this line. But the thing is that this is only a clue because of the leader lady's line reading. Consider:
#1: "They're never going to forgive me! They're going to make my life a living hell! I might as well be dead!"
#2: "They're never going to forgive me! They're going to make my life a living hell! I might as well be dead!"
Anyway.
Emily: "Oh! This is about a person who lost a phone last night who is in a secret club of molesters! Was it a man or a woman? Any sense of boobs?"
Leader Lady: "Irrelevant. Anonymity. You really aren't getting it. What's going on? Why are you flipping out?"
Emily: (Continues flipping out.)
FITZ
Byron is at the door! Ezra's giant eyes get so wide! It's all so scary!
Byron: "I had an apartment much like this, back when I was a poor undergrad that could only afford a huge-ass beautiful pre-war apartment like yours. Is that an infinity pool?"
Ezra: "Can I get you a drink? Maybe some scotch, since that's all we've ever had ten conversations about? Or maybe we can talk about how what if Henry James was architecture and movies were epistolary novels from the 18th century as seen through a Lacanian lens?"
Byron: "Those things all sound great but I am here to kick your ass. Skinny old man versus skinny young man. Effeminate slap-fight to the finish, like in my college days. Listen, I know how hard it is to keep your hands off your students -- trust me -- but I retain the upper hand just barely because my victims were of age."
Ezra: "Oh, it's going to be like that."
Byron: "On the other hand, my daughter has been through The Shit in the last year, and you helped her survive it."
Ezra: "Just when I think you're gonna zig..."
Byron: "-- Fact remains, there's something icky about the idea that Aria could possibly make up her own mind about any of this, because women can't be trusted at any age. That's why there are consent laws, to make sure that women in that in-between time know they're victims even when they don't feel like it. Hands off, okay?"
Ezra: "I knew I should break up with her when she turned out to be my student, yeah. That's why I quit at the school and came to work with you..."
Byron: "Actually, that's a very reasoned resp... Oh, my God, this is your apartment. You totally fucked my daughter here!"
Ezra: "Zag."
Byron: "Also, I am going to call the cops on you."
Ezra: "Yes, this could have gone better."
NOEL KAHN
Mona runs up with Noel Kahn! They are back together! They are coming to the lake house surprise party.
Mona: "BTW, Caleb and I are friends now."
Spencer: "This anonymous transcript you stole regarding A is very interesting."
Hanna: "Emily taped that shit to my bathroom mirror."
Spencer: "That's it, we're all joining the crisis hotline."
Aria: "I can't. I'm grounded and that totally dreary grim job is exactly the kind of fun thing my parents want to keep me from doing."
Hanna: "It's your fault for being so pretentious that you'd find that fun in the first place."
Caleb: "Guys? I found this scary picture of the Chucky dolls on that phone. You really need to start explaining some shit."
Liars: "Uh..."
Caleb: "What are you freaks looking for?"
Spencer: "Exactly this. Forward this to all of us, please."
Caleb: "Hanna, Occam's Razor suggests that everybody being weird about my surprise party and this phone and you Liars being twitchy about everything are somehow connected."
Hanna: "I can see why you think that, but no. The murders and hauntings don't affect what's really important, baby. Which is our love."
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "He was so reasoned and rational! It seemed like he really cared about our daughter! It was horrible!"
Ella: "You fuckers are giving me a migraine! We live in Dysfunction Junction!"
(Reeeeeewind!)
Ella: "We live in Dysfunction Junction! Mike can't go to school because he's going American Horror Story on us, Aria's over there fucking grownups, you're threatening tiny little men in their homes and on top of it, I still like Ezra Fitz! Stop talking about the cops and just let it go. You're going to ruin Aria's life too. The bell tower! The shovel! No more cops bothering our daughter!"
Byron: "But he deserves..."
Ella: "-- Before we pick up our torches and pitchforks, think about it. You're doing this to protect Aria, or at least to perform the idea that you're protecting Aria. Exposing her to yet another scandal is not going to be protecting Aria. She's being the independent, open-minded young woman we raised her to be. Get it?"
Byron: "Kind of."
OFFICE HOURS
Hanna: "Hey, Mr. Fitz. I was around the corner getting this birthday cake and I thought we could chat."
Ezra: "As long as you don't close that door!"
Hanna: "Gotcha. Listen, I know what's going on with the Montgomerys and it sounds rough. I just wanted you to know that you have the support of dumb underaged girls everywhere."
Ezra: "That means a lot to me. Dumb underaged girls are my favorite thing."
CRISIS MGMT
Leader: "I'm glad you called back in, Anonymous."
Speaking of anonymity, she immediately signals to Emily and Spencer that the caller they're obsessed with is on the line, so they should listen in and take notes. And you'll never guess who the caller is!
LUCAS! I KNOW!
Lucas: "I didn't have a choice..."
Leader: "We always have choices."
Lucas: "No, I honestly didn't know better. I just got sucked in, it felt like I finally had some kind of power, and now I can't make this go away without... I never wanted to hurt anybody! But now I have to!"
Leader: "Let's find a solution together."
Lucas: "There's only one solution and it's not going to be pretty. I know what I have to do. I just hate to do it."
Spencer & Emily: "Holy SHIT."
Well, so obviously this never had to do with A or the cell phone, right? I mean Lucas has been super sketch for a while, and it would be funny if they kept going on and on about the greenhouse A being male or female and it turned out to be Hermie the Hermaphrodite, and he had a real hate-on for Ali, but... Doesn't it make more sense that this has to do with kicking Caleb out and back to Cali or something?
MARIN
Spencer: "It was Lucas on the phone..."
Hanna: "Just because he can get his hands on illegal firecrackers that blind young creepy girls, and occasionally destroys heartfelt memorial stumps, does not mean he's A's Evil Elf."
Spencer: "He hated Alison as much as anybody did. How easy would he be to recruit?"
Hanna: "He drove cross-country to get my boyfriend for me. Trust me, I have that bitch on lock."
Spencer: "Or else he's insinuated himself and still hates us for being her Plastics."
Hanna: "No criminal mastermind would help me throw a surprise party. Except probably Mona Vanderwaal."
Emily: "Well, to be kinder to him, maybe he's being blackmailed like the rest of us."
Hanna: "That is too logical. I am rejecting you out of hand. If hating Alison is the litmus test, we're all guilty. Leave him the hell alone, he's too easy a target."
MONTGOMERY
Stupid Aria stupidly calls Ezra and he tells her to stop being stupid and she's like No Way, so he breaks up with her. All the sad songs on the radio are now about the breakup. It's the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of life. Being a teenager is the motherfucking pits.
CAVANAUGH
Toby watches Jenna's hot limo driver (?) leave, from the porch where he's drinking out of a jar, and then Garrett arrives and continues to freakin' flip out.
Garrett: "Was she alone? Was she going to Boston alone? That was supposed to be me in the car with her."
Toby, disinterested: "Ugh, what happened now, on that other show we never see?"
Garrett: "She turned on me!"
Toby: "Yeah, she'll do that. You blind too? Who do you think you're talking to?"
Garrett: "I did everything she ever asked me to do, and then she got bored."
Toby: "When she doesn't need people, she gets rid of them. Again, who the fuck are you talking to?"
Garrett: "All I said was that Rosewood was bad for her and we should run off together..."
Toby: "Maybe she's having too much fun fucking people over?"
Garrett: "Hey, your sister's been through a lot! Blindness is no joke."
Toby: "I never said she wasn't strong, I said she was a bitch."
Garrett: "Yeah, you just don't understand her."
Toby: "Proudly, I do not. Guess her new friends do. Just drop this, Garrett. Just walk away like I did."
Garrett: "But I'm in love with her! That is but one difference between the two of us! I am going to keep trying to prove I love her!"
Toby: "Bye. Somehow this was the grossest scene of this whole episode."
LAKE HOUSE
So like, Hanna and Spencer are screwing around in the attic looking for tiki torches -- Spencer hilariously and subtly makes sure to remind Hanna the furniture was her nana's, in case she gets any ideas -- and then Hanna runs off to get the food that's been delivered.
Of course, Spencer is alone for three seconds before she discovers a clue: Wallpaper in the attic that matches the backdrop of the picture of Chucky dolls that Caleb sent everybody. She calls out for Hanna, and Lucas appears to menacingly and slowly chase Spencer around the attic.
Lucas: "Ah. Tools? Just looking for tools in pitch darkness and with a sinister voice."
Spencer: "We keep our tools downstairs. Later!"
ROSEWOOD GRILL
Family night out comes to a sudden halt when Byron spots Ezra through the window, eating alone, crying into his breads and various nut butters, and they stare at each other for a million years while Byron howls and hollers and drags the whole family away. It's too bad that there are no other restaurants in the entire town, because Ella really needed a break tonight. Go see Ashley Marin, Ella! She will pour you a bottle of wine and say awesome funny things and you'll forget the flaming public wreckage that is your family.
I love Ella, I wish Ella had more friends. I would be friends with her damned fast.
CRISIS MGMT
Leader Lady never leaves. She's sitting there in the dark, counseling somebody through what seems like a fairly low-level crisis, when Emily appears to return that transcript page she "accidentally" stole. Aw, Emily. Love that girl.
Leader Lady: "Can I ask you something?"
The phone rings, and then while she's on it, another line rings and she begs Emily to pick it up, and of course it's Lucas. So Emily lies and says she is the same volunteer as before, and Lucas is like, "I hate what I'm about to do, but I am so in love with her and it's going to be so hard to lose her forever." Which, again: You see where that's headed. But such is heady mélange of Rosewood life -- total paranoia mixed always with total sanguinity, often at the same time, often about the same things -- that Emily freaks out and, as usual, opts to run to the lake house on foot to save Whoever from Whatever is going on.
MAIN ST
Ella, verbatim: "It's a small town, Byron. Where do you want us to go for a bowl of pasta? Delaware?"
Byron: "I wish you'd let me call the cops and we could destroy him and then eat dinner at any of our choice of the one restaurant in this town."
Suddenly they are approached by a family that is newly returned to town, which contains a cute boy of Aria's age, and just when you're thinking Maybe this boy is a new love interest for Aria they introduce the boy and the boy?
His name is Holden.
Did Aria rub a lamp or something when we weren't looking? That's so deliciously on the nose it's like something she would herself dream up. "He'll look like a cross between Fitz and Lucas, and be named Holden, and every bit as pretentious and precocious and precious as I am." And then BOOM he appears. God, I hope he's as ass-awful as she is! That would be so rad. Humphrey/Abrams, party of two.
Holden's Dad: "Speak to them in Portuguese so they know you're awful!"
Ella: "I've had about enough of that shit for one day, thanks. Besides, he taught Aria to ride a bike. What else do we need to know? Besides where the wine is."
Aria: "Kind of he taught me to ride a bike..."
Holden, awesomely: "I broke her training wheels off and she figured out the rest."
I mean, that's a great line and a great metaphor for a lot of things, and certainly one of the nicest things ever said or implied about Our Lady Of The Feather, but... My brain keeps wanting to equate "Ezra Fitz" with "training wheels," and I'm conflicted about that.
Ella & Byron: "Anyway. You guys are coming over for dinner week so Holden and Aria can date and solve all of our problems. I hope we don't seem desperate, but the truth is that we are desperate. Do you have anybody in your family that can fix Mike?"
PARTY!
Spencer: "I just remembered how you decided we were throwing a party at my lake house. That one slipped by me somehow. Also, look at this picture..."
Noel Kahn & Mona Vanderwaal: "Also, they screwed up the pizza order."
Hanna: "...That's more important. Oh, and meanwhile, Caleb has arrived. Who arrives early to their own surprise party?"
Spencer: "Hanna! My attic is the secret HQ of A! Why aren't you listening?"
Hanna: "I don't wanna hear about some fucked-up A stuff right now! Priorities!"
Emily: "Oh hey Lucas. I didn't expect you to be standing all alone in this empty room staring at the birthday cake after you told me vague horrible things on the phone."
Lucas: "This is going to be a great party! Hanna cares so much about Caleb."
Emily: "Yeah, she's a very caring person to the people she loves."
Lucas: "Yeah, Caleb's real fucking lucky."
Emily: "So are you. When you're her friend, she forgives a lot."
Lucas: (Sighs, because Emily is so far ahead of the curve this time...)
Emily: "Please don't do something you're gonna regret, Lucas."
Lucas: (Whirls around, because there's empathy and then there's psychic.)
Spencer: "Emily! Look at this picture of wallpaper!"
Emily: "I kinda just told Lucas that we were spying on him at the call center. So whatever fragile psychological things he's got going on..."
Spencer: "-- Wallpaper!"
Emily: "-- Stalker!"
Spencer: "Mona, stop dancing by yourself like a crazy person and tell us where Hanna suddenly is now."
WHERE HANNA SUDDENLY IS NOW
Randomly rowing across the lake with Lucas. Sure. Sure, that's what's currently happening. You got it. It's foggy, and it's scary, and silent, and he's rowing real slow and scary, and she trusts him implicitly.
Hanna: "This is weird and time-consuming. Let's forget about setting the fireworks for Caleb across the lake and..."
Lucas, no more rowing: "Hanna."
Hanna: "Why are you staring at me scarily and not talking? Do you need me to row?"
Lucas, terrifying: "Sit. Down."
Liars: "Hanna! Row back and stop getting murdered by your stalker!"
Hanna: "Maybe we should turn around and just forget this, yeah?"
Lucas: "Shut up! It's already very hard to do this and I have to do it right now!"
Hanna: "I have clearly asked too much of you, and I'm sorry. I take our friendship very seriously, Lucas, and I would hate to think I'd forced you into murdering me or something in the middle of this lake. Let's say no to the fireworks and row..."
Lucas: "This is not about the fireworks, Hanna!"
He picks up the box of fireworks to do something with it, and of course she clubs his ass with an oar before he can explain himself. Turns out Hanna's bad luck with transportation is not limited to automobiles.
Emily and Spencer freak out as she's rowing back towards them, Lucas dead or dying in the cold water, and then her oar gets caught on something, so her ass goes into the water too. Emily offers to call the cops, while Spencer remains onshore, screaming her name over and over.
FITZ
Aria: "Just calling to leave you this voicemail about some more stupid shit I thought of..."
Ella: "Knock-knock! Hey, we just invited Holden's family over for dinner, like happened right in front of you."
Aria: "That's funny, I'm on the phone with Holden right now."
Ella: "What a weird lie."
Aria: "Yeah, take me off being grounded and I promise to have an age-appropriate relationship with anybody you want."
Ella: "I love it when problems are rapidly solved out of nowhere like this."
LAKE
Mona: "Is that Hanna freestyling all the way into shore? Guess fat floats."
Emily: "Your form is really sloppy."
Hanna: "I just had the most farcical comedy of errors."
Spencer: "Mona and Noel Kahn, why are you guys soaking wet and half-naked?"
Mona & Noel: "We're kind of this other other TV show you never get to watch. An incredibly awesome one."
Everybody: "So then where's poor old Lucas?"
Nobody: (Actually cares.)
They stare and try to care, having become blind to all death and mayhem at this point. Later on, A scoops one of Lucas's shoes out of the water.
week: I'm so sure Lucas is dead. Or A. Or even slightly a bad guy. (Beyond how all guys are awful when they nice-guy you like that, obviously.)
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.