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Toby falls off a building and breaks his arm, thanks to A, so after a very fucking uncomfortable visit from Sister Dear, Spencer decides that she needs to make their breakup permanent. Wren is only too happy to play along, as her new fake boyfriend, but it's Emily that has to deliver the news -- and by episode's end, Toby's left Spencer the Truckbaby and run off into the late afternoon. Oh, and if you were worried that Jenna was just rebounding back to her brother after Garrett, I wouldn't: She's once again having creepy public dates with the one and only Noel Kahn.
About whom Mona is still weeping insanely. Maybe he really did break her. But Hanna finally realizes that -- just because her own, her friends', and her great love's life are at stake -- doesn't mean she can't take a moment to dish about Noel Kahn. Especially once she's destroyed Caleb's USB drive by, for some reason, tossing it in the blender -- pissing him off and breaking the appliance, of course, but doing little to impede the investigation.
Which investigation itself, well, you know the drill: Some twists, some turns, some shocks, nothing really matters that much. The reason A is so obsessed with the box comes back up when Caleb's video technology reveals that Garrett, Jenna and Ian were in Alison's bedroom the night she was murdered, going through her shit and talking mad trash about her. So the Liars dive back into the box, finally locating that doll inside which Ali was keeping all her threatening notes and scary evidence, and realize that Alison was being stalked and harassed by A long before her death, which we knew from Halloween. What we didn't know is that Ian taped this little NAT Club meeting in her room precisely because Garrett wanted out.
Aria, as usual, has her own little plotline separate from everybody else, because everybody else has the sense God gave a cantaloupe. Her fake relationship with Holden now in full flower, she's more than happy to keep stalking poor Ezra until the Liars convince her that Holden is gay. Since that's obviously what's going on, but it's this show, that's clearly not what's going on. Maybe he is into black girls, is the consensus. Either way, he's willing to visit the city with her as many times as it takes for Ezra to finally get a restraining order... Until an undergrad convinces Ezra to go after her -- in the rain -- by... Quoting Almost Famous's misquotes at him, of course. In the ridiculous carnival of their stupid relationship, we may finally have reached the big top. Anyway, they're back together, and it was pretty amazing how it went down.
In the end, the Liars' curiosity about Caleb's ongoing decryption of whatever is piqued enough that they're willing to agree to keep his involvement with the investigation secret from Hanna. Meaning that at this point, pretty much everybody is lying to everybody else -- like some big kind of Lying Game or something! -- in order to protect each other, and playing time against like three different countdowns before the person dies, or the NAT strikes again, or A spins the roulette wheel and comes after somebody new.
Week: I'm guessing Hanna goes ballistic, considering the A-Tag just showed her carefully snipping apart pictures of the four main couples and destroying first Ezra, then Toby, and then a third unseen person who is clearly Caleb. It's getting to that point in the season where it's nice to know there is going to be some resolution to some of this stuff, but still moving fast enough that you don't really mind the ride. Especially when it provides Jenna and Mona -- and Noel Kahn, of course -- with something to do.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Alison was menaced by A before she even died, which we didn't know about until Halloween; whatever messages she was getting from A went unnoticed once her box of stuff was given to Aria, but it's something A was willing to beat Emily mercilessly to get back. (I hadn't put that together with Halloween for some reason.) They ran over A and got her cell phone. What else. Aria and Holden are each other's beards, and half the creeps in this town were all in the same creepy club, back in the day. Noel broke up with Mona and Spencer broke up with Toby, for different reasons... Oh, and Caleb became an Honorary Liar, which is still bugging Hanna.
NOW
Liars: "Hanna, stop fucking around and give us the evidence Caleb decrypted."
Hanna: "This is a most dangerous game, but fine."
Aria: "Since it was clearly never Lucas to blame for anything, and he's off in his other gay gambling addiction storyline we barely know about, I'm back to thinking it was Garrett that attacked Emily."
Emily: "That would be sad. Every friend I have eventually tries to stuff me in a trunk. I guess this means Spencer's going to date him when Jenna's done."
Hanna: "Let this be the end, please, of Caleb's involvement in this deal."
Spencer: "Focus. Let's see what has been uncovered on my tiny, tiny netbook."
The video -- "I know you wanna kiss me," Ian getting dressed after they did it in the dirt -- switches to a new thing: Ian secretly recording creepy doings in Ali's bedroom. Garrett leads Jenna in, and everybody wonders where the other member of the NAT Club is, namely Jason.
Ian: "Okay, Alison still won't give us our videos, so we got problems."
Garrett: "This is all your fault. I knew you'd go too far, and those secret videos are going to bite us in the ass. That's why I tried to leave the NAT Club."
Ian: "Just shut up and help me search the bitch's bedroom for our secret videos."
Are these just the Peeping Tom ones or what? I hope it's even worse than that. The Liars realize Caleb must have watched this, which puts him into more danger. Garrett finds that secret box, and the video goes dead.
Spencer: "Okay, so solve the problem and then we'll all be safe. Including our boyfriends and girlfriends."
Hanna: "I'm not great with time management as it is."
Liars: "What we have learned is that the NAT Club -- including Jenna -- was in Ali's bedroom the night she died. Despite everything they've claimed."
I mean, yeah they were. But I agree, this is fucked up. If I found out Jenna was in bedroom without my knowledge I would leave town. Just drop my shit and run.
LATER
Spencer: "So apparently what I did was hook up with Toby in his pickup truck, in a moment of weakness, which creates two problems where none were before. Firstly, A somehow got a picture of us making out -- which she has emailed me, which is why we're having a secret meeting -- and secondly, Toby now thinks we're back together. Which... Oh, and there he is, driving up. Fantastic. Answer my phone, I can't talk to him."
Emily: "Cool. I am great under pressure and a great liar, so this should go well."
Emily: "Hey, Toby. Whatcha doin'?"
Toby: "Looking for Spencer, which is why I called her phone."
Emily, verbatim: "Um, she's unable to come to the phone right now?"
Spencer: The fuck?
Toby: "I'm just here to get the rest of my tools since Spencer's dad fired me, and stare up at the window like always."
Emily: "Spencer misses you, I suppose."
Toby: "She's really been weirding me out. I thought she was going to explain some stuff. She keeps thinking that she's going to solve the murder and get rid of A and then tell me what has been going on this whole time, and then every time, somebody fucks it up. You can see why I'm confused."
Emily: "I know what you are talking about, but I too cannot explain it to you. Girls can be weird, Toby."
Toby: "I have this sense that it's not a relationship issue, but more like a murder or something. Something else. Whatever, I'm used to disappointment. Why do you think I make this face all the time?"
Spencer starts crying, the end.
QUAD
Aria: "You're protecting somebody you love, that's quite romantic."
Spencer: "No, you're just an idiot. But by all means, let's talk about Ezra now."
Aria: "Okay. I will do so at length."
Liars: "You know what, though, let's try to stay on topic."
Holden sits down nearby, and Emily whips out her lesbian card so she can explain what a "beard" is. It's a pretty cute scene and everybody makes really cute faces.
Hanna: "God Emily, I know what it means. And he's clearly gay, so..."
Aria: "Holden is not gay!"
Emily: "Maybe he didn't know he was gay when you two were eating paste in preschool, but look at the facts before you."
Liars: "The fact is that Holden is gay."
So clearly Holden's not gay after all. Aria goes over to figure it out.
Aria: "How's the return to American society going?"
Holden: "Well, my dad's having an affair with a student and I fucked a teacher at a bar, so... Oh, and I keep wearing these hideous necklaces and feathers all over myself."
Aria: "Been there."
Holden: "Actually, you've already helped me reintegrate into America pretty well. I won't bother to explain that statement, even after you ask me about it."
Aria: "Are we still going on a date tomorrow? Because you look even better than last week."
Holden: "Sure, a fake date. What about Ezra?"
Aria: "Trust me that it's not worth talking about."
A hot black chick walks by, Holden makes a sexy face, and things assume a whole new shape.
COFFEE
Caleb is doing some kind of cyberwolf manipulation that brings another part of the videos into focus: A very clear picture of Garrett... Who is sitting at the table over! Caleb gets up to run, and Garrett calls out to him! The jig!
No, he just left his keys on the table -- you know, that huge keyring Caleb has for keys, like to the car he doesn't own and the home he doesn't have -- and also because he needs to say some weird things.
Garrett: "Trust me, I know what that's like! You get so wrapped up in something you forget where you are! Two hours later it's like, Where did I even park my car? Did I even drive here?"
Caleb: "Um, that was a weird thing to say to a stranger. Also, that's not what it's like to be a person. Bye."
Garrett creepily drinks his coffee. Who knows. I just think it's funny that he did the exact same "cryptic nonsense" move he accused Spencer of, like he's just some random police officer off-duty saying random shit to menace a pretty high school boy who was just hacking a computer outside a café.
Garrett, to that same squirrel: "You know what I mean? Doesn't that happen to you?"
But the squirrel keeps her secrets. She always knows where her car is located.
Garrett grins like he's got the world figured out, and takes a bite out of his enormous scone, and wonders why he just confessed to a child that he has some kind of dissociative disorder where he loses huge blocks of time.
BOX MTG
Hanna's dressed like Aria -- which is to say like Tippi Hedren at a speakeasy -- Aria's dressed like Spencer -- which is to say sensibly -- Spencer is dressed in a lovely gown, and Emily's wearing a cute denim jacket with intense cuffs.
Emily: "Okay but like you saw the video. Garrett looked in the box, and whatever he was looking at was weird. We like weird things, and A is obsessed with the box, so let's just leave Caleb in danger a little while longer."
Hanna: "I am going to keep bitching about this until something horrible happens to him. Also, though, we have an actual video of all our suspects going through the dead girl's shit in her bedroom and calling her a bitch..."
That Ali doll from Halloween's head pops open, revealing the original threat:
It's my turn to torture you. And there's more! Flip it over. You think you're safe on the outside, but you're not when I'm on the inside. And there's more! Flip it over again! That can't be right. Oh, they're all holding different threats. Got it. You scared yet? You should be, bitch. That's when it starts sounding familiar. The last one's on a bit of ruined cardstock, with a little blood on it: time it'll be your face, not this pumpkin.
FLASHBACK
She led them to her house after the prank, uttering these Jungian truths -- "I've never been this way before..." "Back alleys and backyards have always been the best way to my house..." -- and just as Ali was saying something bitchy about Melissa and Ian's relationship, they came upon porch carnage: Ruined pumpkins on Alison's porch, spooky choir singing, and a knife in the face of a pumpkin stabbed through an invite to Noel Kahn's Halloween party they'd all been at.
Alison made that sad face she always made about the NAT Club, but pretended to blow it off, and then -- although the Liars plead exhaustion, after her horrible prank -- she seduced them into staying, so she wouldn't be alone.
BUT
Aria turns up the corner, revealing A's signature, and the girls finally realize that A was after Alison long before she died. Awesome! Do you think this will come up again in the episode, even though it's massively important? Doubtful!
DAY
Noel and his friends whisper mean things about poor broken Mona, and Hanna finally comes over to talk to her about the breakup.
Mona: "I thought we were friends..."
Hanna: "Noel? He's a horrible friend! He kills people! He impersonates gynecologists! He plays the guitar so Aria will sing!"
Mona: "No, you idiot! I'm talking about you! You've been ignoring me for days!"
Mona takes off, snagging a necklace out of her locker on the way, and Hanna just tries to figure out how to make Mona stop being angry at her for being what is admittedly a really bad friend. Hanna's always got the most real-life problems. Like, yes, accidentally killing Lucas or the lasagna money were pretty outlandish, but not when you compare it to Spencer dating a blind girl's sexual assault victim, or like the entirety of Ezra Fitz's existence.
Mona tosses the necklace in Noel Kahn's face, and he stares her in the eye as he's tossing it in the trash. So nasty! See here what Noel Kahn thinks of your trinkets. Hanna follows her into the bathroom to tell her that she needs other people around, and that she has terrible choices in boyfriends, and whatever. Finally she's like, "Everything I'm saying is horrible, sorry."
Mona: "Let me try to explain Noel to you, since none of you bitches get it. He is awesome! He is a great liar, he looks like a million bucks, and he has no soul. He has hypnotic powers and could kill any of us without a second thought. I honestly don't get why you guys are so hard on him, but I can say it makes me feel a distinct lack of sympathy for getting dumped."
Hanna: "Fine, he's a psychopathic supervillain."
Mona: "That is what made us perfect together!"
Hanna: "Let's go to dinner tonight and get you back to being creepily obsessed with me."
Mona: "That would really help, thanks."
Hanna! Please remember your time management issues. You already have a date with your doomed boyfriend. Also, I love how even on this show where time and space do not signify and people disappear or just forget entire months of their lives, on a whim, Mona is still having the worst and longest breakup of all time. And you know why? That's right. Noel Kahn.
Anyway, Mona leaves, Hanna follows, and just you guys guess who's been hanging out in the bathroom like a freak, listening to every word with her super-senses! She pops out of a stall at a crazy angle and smiles into the depths of whatever crazy place she lives. What does the world look like to Jenna? I bet it's like in Predator but all she can see is the infrared shadows of where the exits are, and weapons. And exactly where to stare to be as creepy as possible.
All the people are back! Jenna! Mona and Noel! Toby! Alison! Wren! Goethe! All your favorite characters.
ARIA BULLSHIT
Stalker voicemail #1,000,000 involves somehow making a date with him inside the date she's going on with Holden, so that he can finally prove that they are meant to be together some more. He thinks about deleting it -- DO IT! -- but no. Not enough strength for that today. Oh, Ezra. If you'd just give up on her you'd actually deserve her.
TOBY'S IMPENDING DEATH FROM LAST WEEK
Cleaning up the worksite, Toby climbs up on the loosened scaffolding, which starts shaking itself like there's an earthquake or a production intern just out sight shaking it, and then pretty much immediately falls sixteen stories to his grisly death.
Sad. Always assumed Hanna would get him, somehow.
WREN!
Spencer: "Oh my God, I'm glad you're okay."
Toby: "I'm just lucky your mom came home."
Spencer: "What would be lucky is if my mom ever came home."
Toby: "Please stop freaking out. Sometimes you just almost get murdered."
Wren comes in and she and Spencer are sparkly and delightful with each other as usual, and Toby clues into the fact that Spencer ruined her sister's last five relationships, and then runs off with a worldly giggle and a little arabesque.
Toby: "Something you wanna tell me? Like were you doing that adorable little Englishman while you were breaking up with me?"
A: "Or that I am the one that nearly murdered him?"
Spencer: "Nope. Nothing to report."
QUAD
Hanna: "Well. I'm glad Toby survived. I can't help thinking, though, that this kind of proves my point."
Aria: "But it's confusing because if this is the NAT Club doing this, then that's like saying Jenna would kill Toby, right? Do you honestly think Jenna would do that? Hurt her own stepbrother?"
Hanna: "Think about what you just said."
Aria: "Point taken. But I mean, if not the brother thing then maybe the fact that she's probably still in love with him?"
Emily: "Maybe, like usual, they're just trying to scare us."
Aria: "Or maybe because she broke up with Garrett she's back on the Toby train."
ROSEWOOD GENERAL
Jenna appears in Toby's hospital room just as he's waking up, and immediately starts yelling at him about why the fuck he would go back to Spencer's house after she specifically ordered him otherwise. I don't know what it's about, and I'm unclear on this one line of dialogue that's either, "It's not safe, with those girls" or -- and I think maybe I just want her to be saying this, but it sounds more like this -- "It's not safe for those girls" for him to be there. I don't know. Everything's so weird when she's around and you never know what the fuck anybody is talking about, so go with it.
Either way, though, Toby-and-Jenna scenes are a rare and fascinating thing. When she sits down on the bed, you jump back just like him. And as for what they talk about... You be the judge. I think Toby knows a lot more than we think he does, but a lot less than he thinks he does, if you know what I mean.
Jenna: "You need to be stronger."
Toby: "I don't want any advice from you..."
Jenna: "Who else is there? That knows you as well as I do? That cares about you as much as I do?"
Toby, shrinking away: "Spencer..."
Jenna: "You know you'll never be happy with her! You'll never be at peace. She's haunted, Toby. I know a little bit about that."
Toby: "You shouldn't be here."
Jenna, through her teeth: "I'm the only person who should be here. We're family! Whether you like it or not."
No idea. But I love it. I don't think we've ever looked this in the face before. Like, we've seen them interact before, but not in this way. I feel like big stuff is moving around and we can't see it yet. You know what I mean?
MARIN
Hanna's getting out snacks when Caleb comes over, and she breathlessly ushers him in. He is finally like, what the fuck is this really about.
Caleb: "This about Alison DiLaurentis's murder, isn't it? Why are you looking into a crime somebody already confessed to? Do you think somebody else killed her? Somebody in this video? Just tell me what's going on, so I can stop imagining the worst."
Hanna: "Trust me, it's not as bad as you think."
Caleb: "I can protect you. I can handle it."
Hanna: "Uh, no. I can't handle it. I am afraid for you. Just stop working for us, please."
Caleb: "Heard that. Especially considering those people in the videos have been following me around town..."
Suddenly, Hanna grabs the thumb drive out of his hands and throws it into... Her blender. It's a nice blender, but I'm not sure that's going to help. Also, that was a total Hanna move. What are you even thinking? I hope Spencer fully punches her in the face.
ROSEWOOD GENERAL
Emily catches Jenna coming out of Toby's room and jumps right up her ass. Jenna responds by first of all calling her out for having a crush on Toby, breezes by Emily being gay in a nasty way, and then laughs in Emily's face when she offers to kick her ass for her.
So it is that Spencer's coming out of the elevator right as Jenna is bitching Emily out for bringing Toby into it at all... Which is a very awesome thing to have happen, because (as usual) Jenna is right about all of it. I mean, the implied "so I could continue to rape my brother" part is implied, but on the face of it, "you brought him into your circle where everybody eventually gets hurt or killed" does have some merit.
Spencer literally jumps out of Jenna's way as she's leaving, and just to add an extra scary spice on top, Jenna hisses Spencer on her way onto the elevator. Just simply "Spencer."
Jenna out. Nobody drops the mic like that bitch. Nobody.
MONTGOMERY
Ella: "So, did Toby die?"
Aria: "Nope, just broke his arm."
Ella: "And what about your little date in Philadelphia, what's that about?"
Aria: "I thought he could use some acculturation, so we're going to this old place that our families actually went to when you were kids."
Ella: "I'm going to say something weird and leading about how the Montgomerys also have a haunted cabin, and then change the subject entirely to how my version of parenting this week is to drive you to the city and leave you there, instead of letting you drive yourself."
ROSEWOOD GENERAL
Spencer: "Once again, Jenna was right. I have to break up with Toby forever. Can you do me a favor?"
Emily: "Anything, you know that."
Spencer: "No, this one might actually make you hate me. But it's the only thing I can think of."
Emily: "A patently destructive Spencer plan that will hurt everybody and make me hate you? Absolutely. I am in. What else are friends for, if not to ruin each other's lives?"
Uh, let me guess, because ruining Toby's life for his own good is like their favorite hobby. She's going to call the cops and tell them he's squatting at a church and about to leave their jurisdiction? Because that gets your ass kidnapped. Emily will tell ya.
Emily: "Toby, we need to talk."
Toby: "It's just my arm. I hate when you face that face my face makes."
Emily: "Before you dated Spencer, she was seeing somebody else. It was a bad idea, no matter how cute he is, but this time she's thinking..."
Toby: "-- What."
Emily: "Shit is about to get weird again. Spencer has wanted to tell you think for a long time..."
Toby: "Long time, huh?"
Emily: "Damn it Fields, don't improvise. Uh, I have to go."
Toby: "Just tell me who it is."
PHILLY
Holden: "Is it weird, lying to your parents like that all the time? Because Ella is pretty much the fucking best."
Aria: "Yeah, but lying to people is all I do, so... Are you trying to talk me out of this?"
Holden: "No! I love fake-dating you."
Aria: "Me too but like why?"
Holden: "Your friends think I'm gay, huh."
Aria: "Yeah. Which is fine! Be gay!"
Holden: "No it's cool because I'm pretty gay, but no. I'm not gay."
Aria, verbatim: "Okay, then what are you?"
Holden: "Outta here."
He is good at that. If by "good at that" you mean not worried about being blatant and in no way smooth about it and just running at a full tilt instead of answering questions.
Aria goes to that place to wait for Ezra, who is never going to come.
HOLLIS COLLEGE
Ezra has a hilarious convo with an undergrad whose shitty short story somehow changes his mind and makes him believe in love again, by... I love this show so much. The kid turns at the door and quotes Basil King at him, because that is actually what college is like. A nightmare.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid!"
Neither of them know whom he's quoting, or if they do they think it's Goethe, like the rest of us do, but whatever, it is very fucking beautiful, the whole deal.
SADNESS OF ALL KINDS
Aria gets tired of standing around looking stupid, so she sits down to look stupid on a bench.
Emily nods at Spencer, who's crying beautifully in her bedroom: It is done. A ghost ninja broke my arm, and then my girlfriend broke my heart. Via a teen lesbian.
Ezra stonefacedly listens to Aria's obsessive, pathetic voicemails, and... Deletes them! Awesome! When did Ezra get hot, they'll ask, and the answer is: Today.
Aria grows old on that bench, turns slowly to stone. Birds settle on her. Nobody can tell.
LIES MY PARENTS TOLD EACH OTHER
Ashley finds the blender in the garbage, and Hanna confesses that she had a fight with Caleb that apparently involved ruining the blender. Ashley doesn't really inquire further about that.
Hanna: "Did you keep a secret from Dad?"
Ashley: "Comparatively less, I suppose, but I did keep a few things to myself. Like he repainted our bedroom one time..."
Hanna: "Anything bigger? Or less self-aggrandizing?"
Ashley: "Your dad's best friend Steve Anderson hit on me. I told Steve I'd tattle if he tried that shit again, but I knew it would just hurt your dad if I told him, so it was easy to decide. What's the big secret you're keeping from Caleb? Did you lie to him? Or was it to save him?"
Hanna: "Yeah, I can't really talk about it with you either. Plus I have a date with my gay stalker, so..."
ROSEWOOD GENERAL
Toby: "Hey, Dr. Wren. Hear you been fucking my girlfriend."
Wren: "I thought you guys broke up, sorry. Spencer certainly said she dumped you."
Toby: "My right arm still works, motherfucker."
Wren: "...I'll go. Cheerio!"
BUT WHAT OF NOEL KAHN?
Mona: "I love that we can use fake IDs to drink shots and talk shit about Noel Kahn."
Hanna: "Uh oh. Looks like our table's been taken..."
Noel Kahn and Jenna! Are having dinner at the restaurant! Mona stares and gets weird and cold and awesome and tells Hanna to blow it off, because she thinks that Hanna is feeling sorry for her, when in fact that answer is so much more awesome. Hanna runs, and Mona stares a hole in the glass. Dude! That is great. Noel Kahn deserves to have that be his big issue: Shall I date Mona Vanderwaal, or Jenna Thing? They're both crazy as shit, but then so am I.
SADNESS MONTAGE II
Toby is sad. Aria is sad. It is raining. We did this already... Aw, man. Fuckin' Ezra Fitz drives up and runs at her in the night and they stare at each other in the rain and then he kisses her in the rain in the middle of like traffic and ... It's beautifully shot, and all? But Good Lord those two. What is there to say? What I wouldn't give to have Hanna Marin behind the wheel of a car right now.
Or how amazing if they were kissing and there was all this nonsense going on and then Jackie Morales comes roaring up in an SUV, hops the curb, takes 'em both out. God, that would be satisfying. Just like with a bottle of vodka, arm raised out the moonroof, howling in triumph. Quoting "B-26" at the top of her lungs.
MIGHTY FORCES
Aria: "I can't believe all I had to do was sit in the rain for eleven hours and you finally came."
Ezra: "The thing about being a child molester is that I need to be absolutely sure you're committed to me. None of this Jason DiLaurentis shit. I need enthusiastic consent."
Aria: "You have it."
Ezra: "Are we absolutely the worst people who have ever lived?"
Aria: "Yes."
CALEB MTG
Emily & Spencer: "You mean that crazy moron actually tried to blend the USB drive? What, is she bored because she hasn't gotten nearly murdered in a couple weeks?"
Caleb: "I don't know. But the important thing is that, clearly, I backed up the files without telling her."
Everybody: "Yeah, we're going to have to start lying to Hanna about all kinds of things. Turns out things were actually easier when Emily was the weak link."
Spencer and Caleb get into some logical loggerheads. He wants to lie to Hanna, because he's in this to play out the clock and figure the mystery out, but Spencer is still raw from lying to Toby, so the idea of triple-crossing Hanna seems a little out of range to her. But Caleb can't know that, because he doesn't know the stakes, which means Spencer also has to lie to Caleb, about what's really going on, the same way they always do.
Of course, being Spencer, she immediately tells him this.
Caleb: "Yeah, that's another thing. You are going to have to tell me at least a little something. Like for example what it is that Hanna's so afraid of me finding."
Liars: "Well, it's not exactly like a 'thing' that we can 'tell' you. The key to the treasure is, in this case, the treasure itself. It's more of a vast dreamlike conspiracy of rapists and ghosts and blind people that doesn't make a shitload of sense. So the thing that Hanna's mostly concerned about is you learning anything that would make you a target. Starting with everything you already know, and then sort of building out from there."
Caleb: "How weird, because it would be really hard to lie to Hanna about that, since it's not actually a thing."
Liars: "Exactly. That's why we're ... like this all the time."
PHILLY
Ella: "Hey, blissed-out looking wet girl. Where's your date?"
Aria: "He had to go back to his offfffff... Holden. My date Holden. No idea. I am great at this."
Ella: "What the shit is going on?"
Holden, appearing: "I was just getting us ice cream! Thanks for the ride, Mrs. M!"
Aria is as charmed as we are by Holden's magic powers; her smile is even moreso. His too. I love their fake relationship more than any other relationship on this show. Other than whatever one Noel Kahn is in.
EVERYBODY BUT HANNA
Spencer: "Facts are these. I just told Caleb that Jenna and Garrett are trying to frame us for the murder, and Ian didn't do it. And then I told him we need to talk about the rest of it."
Aria: "'We' meaning 'everybody but Hanna,' again."
Spencer: "Whatever. Focus. I told him just enough."
Emily: "And maybe his information is useless and we don't have to use him anymore."
Spencer, archly: "So we're hoping that nothing's on here, huh?"
Emily: "You're right, I'm an idiot."
Spencer cues it back to the place it froze, tapping keys: "Come on! Dance, you little bastards." And dance they do.
They hear Alison coming, and scatter like ants, but then Ian pulls an amazing move: The whole secret-camera thing was about keeping Garrett in the NAT Club by filming him going through Alison's shit. With Ali heading up the stairs, Ian and Garrett tussle, and the video ends. Amazing.
Emily: "Sooooo I guess we're going to keep using Caleb, then. Because that was some good shit."
Spencer: "Yeah, it's real sad and he'll probably die. But clues!"
They think about giving the tape to the cops, and then Toby's truck arrives back in Spencer's yard, driven by a ghost! Where did the driver go? Why is Toby out of the hospital so early? Did the Wren story drive him around the bend? They go outside to investigate; Toby is nowhere to be seen. His keys are still there, as well as a Goodbye Forever note for Spencer.
A-TAG
Being the worst shipper of them all, it's no surprise A has a wall of everybody kissing: Hanna and Caleb, Aria kissing Ezra with her hair looking amazing, the photobooth pictures with Maya from a million years ago, and Spencer in the truck. What is somewhat more surprising, however, is what A does , which is to take down the Ezria picture, cut it up the middle, and set Ezra on fire. I hear ya, girl. I hear ya.
Oh! And then , Toby's picture goes in there. And the third picture? Maya or Caleb? Will we ever find out? Well, considering that this whole episode was about the Liars teaming up to make sure A kills the shit out of Caleb makes you wonder.
WEEK
A comes back after Emily, Spencer cries even more, Caleb maybe gets arrested, and of course Hanna puts it all together and comes after everybody with her hair full of snakes. And as for Noel Kahn? I think he'll be okay. At least I hope so.
Often called "the Paz de la Huerta of American letters," JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.