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It's been a month since the Liars variously wrecked a wedding, uncovered Gallic plagiarism at the highest levels of academe, accidentally committed suicide by CO2, and got themselves arrested for murder. They've spent that time on highway garbage detail, slowly going insane from the pressure and turning on each other in a hissing, spitting, hair-pulling group breakdown that has all their boyfriends buzzing.
Just kidding, that's the trick: In reality, Spencer's latest amazing plan is to create the illusion of cutting Emily out of the group, hoping their torturer will try to turn her. Basically what the plan comes down to is them standing around in hallways yelling not so cryptic things at each other, but it's still very stylish to watch.
Aria and Spencer are still pushing their boyfriends Ezra and Toby away, in the hopes that they can keep them clear of the ongoing hash their dead best friend continues to make of their lives. Once Ezra learns about Jackie's blackmailing ways, though, he decides it's finally time to tell the Montgomerys of their forbidden love.
The episode is pwned entirely by Holly Marie Combs at this point, as per usual; Byron throws around a lot of terrifying English Lit threats; Mikey hauls off and hits Ezra in a sweetly dysfunctional attempt to deflect any physical damage. Really, the takeaway is that everybody finally knows about the affair, and everybody -- including Aria and Ezra -- finally has to admit how damn creepy they both are.
Speaking of creepy, poor old Toby gets some kind of abandonment issue going about how Spencer can't break up with him and Emily both, and throws a pretty inappropriate fit about it. For a scene that's intended mainly to delay Spencer from arriving on-time to the big A showdown, it's still pretty uncomfortable and stalkery and weird, which is nice.
Or maybe it's the rocking chair that be carpented for her for her birthday, and spends the episode driving around pissily in that truck she bought him, and seems generally like the kind of wack-ass thing the Cavanaughs probably do all the time.
"I built you this rocking chair. You should rock slowly in it on the porch, with your legs covered by a blanket, drinking out of a jar."
Hanna's spent the month hanging with Lucas while Caleb is off in California visiting his new other family, and of course Lucas and Caleb have to have a big bromance about their whole love triangle, but it seems like Lucas is heading back to creepiness too, what with his looking at secret websites and being not entirely forthright about the complexity of his Hanna situations. Which normally would be pretty interesting, but for the late revelation that Hanna's dad is moving back to Rosewood, with his jug-blowing hick of a wife and psychotic bitch stepdaughter in tow.
In the end, the Liars send Emily alone into a greenhouse with A so that she can taunt the ghost ninja with a crazy manic smile on her face and then pull some kind of psychological move relating to the ghost ninja's self-esteem. As if there are any other options, A responds to this reasonably enough, beating the shit out of her.
Spencer -- finally free of Toby's endlessly needy carpentry -- and Aria -- slipping away from Ezria Apocalypse ground zero -- are running late, but eventually they arrive to pick up what's left of Emily, who cannot seem to go a single episode lately without nearly getting murdered. Just when A is gone and all is lost, a fabulous new clue is uncovered: When Hanna hit A with her car (brilliant) outside the greenhouse, the ghost dropped its magical ghost cell phone. Good thing Hanna's dating like three cyberpunk wolf-hackers, right?
week: Mona Vanderwaal purchases a new cell phone, having misplaced hers somewhere; Lucas and Caleb won't shut up about Ryan Gosling; Garrett and Jenna act weird some more, in matching rocking chairs; Ella Montgomery tenderly chases Ezra into the cranberry bog once and for all.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
After their therapist was abducted and impersonated by some boots, the Liars were arrested. On their way to rescuing Dr. Anne, however, lots of other stuff happened. We will review it, because it was a long time ago: Hanna was forced to ruin her dad's wedding, Emily was subjected to a near-death experience in yet another creepster barn, and Aria and Spencer both dumped their boyfriends. Most importantly, the immortal line was uttered, "We have five hours to obey our Chucky dolls."
Ella Montgomery was under the hilarious impression that Ezra dated/was dating Spencer, as though she wouldn't have instantly destroyed him at the root, and angrily told him to get out of Rosewood for his own good. He did not take this advice, because His Own Good is the number two thing that grosses Ezra out, right after Women His Own Age.
Meanwhile, a horrible blind girl and a gross police officer hissed and twined around themselves like a couple of ferrets or minks, and were implicated in the death of Alison and some, if not all, of the one million times the Liars have separately and jointly been framed, blackmailed, extorted, tortured, chased, manhandled and hit by cars.
ONE MONTH LATER GIVE OR TAKE
Where do creepy little girls come from, when the creepy little girls show up and start jumping rope? Nobody knows. Kubrick maybe. But they presage terrible things happening, at a slow pace. And sometimes they sing to you, sometimes very specific things that are also what is actually happening.
Pretty Little Liar all by yourself
Sneak to the park, dig in the dark
Telling little lies to make their mark...
The park, in this case, being some random wooded area that looks just like everywhere else in Rosewood.
Chain Gang She-Wolf #1: "Community service!"
Chain Gang She-Wolf #2: "Sometimes it seems like it will never end. I wonder how long those four very pretty girls are going to be doing community service?"
Chain Gang She-Wolf #1: "I heard they are almost done."
Chain Gang She-Wolf #2: "I heard they killed a person or found a mannequin wearing Tory Burches or ruined a memorial to a dead girl or threw a fashion show and Cthulu showed up. I hear there were these bracelets."
Chain Gang She-Wolf #1: "Those are some very interesting girls."
Emily: "Hey, everybody within earshot! I have a terrible plan and cryptic shit to say!"
Spencer: "Oh, no you don't."
Emily: "I can say anything I want! I am on HGH!"
(Everybody bitches at Emily, because without horrible things constantly happening to Emily we'd have to go back to doing horrible things to Hanna, which is a no-go because everything horrible that could ever happen has already happened to Hanna previously.)
Emily: "I am going to talk to a person!"
Spencer: "You can't make a deal with a rattlesnake."
Hanna: "Rattlesnakes can talk?"
Emily: "Yeah, well, your mom is going to throw us all under the bus if she ever comes home from where your parents are all the time. This is because you are a bitch."
(Spencer beats the shit out of Emily. They are wearing orange coveralls. It is like the inside of Drew Barrymore's brain. Or maybe that is the explanation for why everybody in the club is being so mean to Emily, despite her being the best one, who never does anything mean or interesting. It sort of makes you feel deranged, not knowing why.)
Emily: "Some pain cream would really help after that beatdown."
(Garrett, watching from his car, pops some M&Ms in his mouth. And a boner in his pants.)
MORNING MARINTOWN
Ashley Marin: "Hanna, now that Emily lives with us you need to be nicer to her. This last month of everybody being horrible to Emily is really freaking me out."
Hanna: "I'll be nicer to her when hell freezes over. Which is to say, around about the time that mysterious architect reappears to ask about that old lady you mugged for her fortune, I will be civil."
Ashley, verbatim: "If Emily's parents had taken her back to Texas, the plea bargain would have fallen apart, you might have gone to jail. Whatever it is that happened between the two of you..."
(What plea bargain? What on earth? They plead nolo to a charge of finding a shovel? Lotta work for the defense on that one.)
Hanna: "I don't want to talk about this. Allow me to poke the bruise of how I ruined your ex-husband's wedding mere minutes after you secretly dumped him and sent him running back to his jug-blowing hick of a wife. For some reason he's acting really snotty with me about that still."
Ashley: "Yeah, because you ruined his wedding."
Hanna: "I'd motherfucking do it again."
Ashley: "That's my girl."
Emily: "Good morning, everybody but Hanna!"
Ashley: "Good morning, better daughter than Hanna."
Hanna: (Bounces in a huff.)
Ashley: "Emily, I wish Hanna would stop being horrible to you."
Emily: "Frankly I wish everybody would stop being horrible to me, Ash."
Ashley: "Oh, you received a fax on this fax machine we have in our kitchen for all our important kitchen documents."
Emily: "This fax. Is it from 1997?"
MAIN ST.
Aria: "Mikey, I'm sorry no therapists will see you after we got Dr. Anne murdered."
Mike: "It's okay, there's an old man who treats me like a human being and not a flesh-eating zombie, so it's good."
Aria: "I always thought of you more as a cute werewolf."
Caleb: "Hey!"
Ezra: "Imagine running into you two here, on this one street of our entire town."
Aria: "Hey, let's act super casual about our breakup, so Mike doesn't know you ever molested me over a long period of time."
Mike: "You do realize you said that out loud?"
Aria: "Ezra, I broke up with you so nothing bad would happen to you. I have 99 problems."
Ezra: "Something bad already happened to me! I lost my sweet underaged poon."
Aria: "I'll bring you that book you are always lending me, in order to torture you further."
SCHOOL
Garrett: "I'm standing in the middle of your school and you're not here! Did you get lost again because you are blind?"
Spencer: "Hello, Officer Garrett. Did you misplace your murder weapons here?"
Garrett: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Spencer: "The crow flies at midnight."
Garrett: "No, I mean I'm not being cagey, I just honestly don't know what the hell you're talking about."
Spencer: "Klaatu barada nikto, sir. I mean that from the bottom of my symposium."
Garrett: "Spencer, what the fuck are you doing?"
Spencer: "Just acting generally creepy and saying things that don't make sense."
Garrett: "Okay, I have to go now."
Spencer: "Funny, isn't it? Time, I mean."
Garrett: "I'm starting to get worried for you."
Spencer: "Did you see the sunrise this morning? Punk?"
Garrett: "...?"
Spencer, verbatim: "It's interesting, you know, the timing of things. Like the shovel that killed Ali turns up, and all of a sudden you two are holding hands in the town square."
Garrett: "Look, just because two things happen at the same time doesn't mean they're connected."
Spencer: "Well, you know all about things being connected, don't you?"
Garrett: "Oh my God."
Spencer: "You know all about connections. Like you're connected to Jenna and Ian and Jason... Almost like you guys are members of the same club. The NAT one."
(They discuss how Jason's not in town for some reason, as if this show ever needs to explain people vanishing without comment, and poor Garrett finally gets out of there.)
Spencer, to the wall: "Interesting, isn't it. The lies we tell."
Spencer, to her shoes: "Well, you'd know all about gel inserts, wouldn't you?"
Spencer, to a squirrel out the window: "I heard that."
SWIM MEET
Emily: "I am no longer dosing, and I'm almost done with community service for killing several people. Surely you can see how I would be an asset to the swim team."
Coach: "As a completely different coach for a swim season that apparently never, ever ends, I am not so sure about that."
Emily: "Another swing and a miss for old Miss Fields. My life is utter misery. If only Sarah McLachlan could provide a soundtrack to my misery, but all her songs are so upbeat."
(A piano falls on her head from the sky. She just sighs and bandages herself, wishing she had some pain cream.)
ENGLISH
Ella Montgomery: "I have been dreading this period all day because all you girls are acting like such dickholes."
Spencer: "Are you mad at me?"
Ella: "I am mad generally."
(Spencer drops from the ceiling and beats the shit out of Emily.)
Ella: "Oh my God, you guys."
Emily: "Have any pain cream?"
Spencer: (Makes that amazing face she made in the police station again. Moment of silence for Rosie Larson.)
(Emily and Spence get their books together, trading McCullers paperbacks as if by accident. A texts Emily about whether or not she wants to make a deal and fuck over the other Liars. She goes to the board, where Ella has written some kind of Meister Eckhardt quote about saying YES to the world and circles YES to the ghost ninja. I love how her omniscience is now just to be assumed.)
GIRL TALK
Hanna: "Man, that's so sad that you didn't even get to talk to your molester."
Aria: "Hey, as long as it's 100% all about me."
Hanna: "I guess you should just focus on the fact that we are going to be murdered."
Aria: "Also on being horrible to Emily."
(Emily ducks them so they won't hit her, and then goes to her locker. Spencer's copy of The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter, which has her name written in it of course, also contains a note -- in similar handwriting, perhaps? -- that says "10 PM." How crazy that A was able to slip that note in her book before Spencer ever bumped into her in English, somehow knowing that they'd trade them and... That's not what happened, is it.)
CRUSHTOWN
Hanna: "Lucas, could you take a second from stalking me and looking at mysterious Website Pages in order to find every photo of me doing community service and remove it from the internet?"
Lucas: "Okay, Rick Santorum. You realize that's not how the internet works, right?"
Hanna: "Just do it, okay?"
Lucas: "...Okay. Hey, look on the bright side, it's the internet, you're up against talking dogs and people eating bits of sofa cushion. Whatever the fuck is going on on Tumblr. And you look cute in them, in a post-apocalyptic, rag-tag-band-of-survivors kind of way..."
Hanna: "I got that reference. I think you are infecting me with dorkiness."
Lucas: "Just like you infected me with being in love with Caleb."
HOLLIS COLLEGE
Ezra & Byron, verbatim: "I thought it was a good way to talk about architecture in context. I mean, people lived in these buildings. It was the real world for them. Anything that gets people reading Henry James is fine by me. Yeah, and we could combine classes, we'll show 'em The Heiress."
Ezra & Byron: "We are so postmodern and interdisciplinary. I have a total '90s woodie right now."
(The Heiress is about a girl who falls for this guy her parents don't trust, and by the end of the movie she has ruined his entire life and it's amazing even to the grownups. Her aunt's all, "Why are you being such a bitch?" and the girl, Olivia De Havilland, is like, "I have been taught by masters.")
Ezra: "Your daughter is a remarkable, nubile young woman who surely didn't kill several people and then have to do community service."
Byron: "Hey, do you want to come over for dinner? That's always an unmitigated disaster when we do that."
Ezra: "So I guess your wife didn't tell you her theory about me fucking Spencer and telling me to leave town? Cool, I'm sure this will go great. Dinner sounds wonderful."
Like seriously, why would he agree to that. But he does gulp, so I guess he's trying to balance out the issues.
CONFESSIONS OF A TRUCKBABY
Spencer: "Toby, are you lurking around somewhere?"
Toby: "I am always lurking around somewhere."
Spencer: "What's with that rocking chair in the back of the pickup truck I bought you?"
Toby: "I made it for you, for your birthday. Also, why are you guys being such bitches to Emily? And can I be your boyfriend again?"
Spencer: "I can't talk to you about any of those things. Go fuck your sister and stop stalking me."
Toby: "I am absolutely destroyed by that. Or else this is just my face."
GREENHOUSE @ 10PM
Emily goes to that awesome greenhouse, where it turns out the Liars were all pretending to hate her and this is a brilliant plan to make the Weakest Link seem like the Weakest Link. Not only is that awesome -- and well played, show -- but the huge loving grins on everybody's face when they meet up is very satisfying, emotionally. Whew.
Essentially, Dr. Sullivan's pretend murder and very real disappearance -- which the girls seem to have written off, like, "Guess she died, how sad" -- has convinced them that trusting anybody is a bad idea, because A will kill them. Something she's been telling them for a season and a half, they have now deduced. And the ones that don't get disappeared turn out to be creeps that bone blind girls. So they are all on their own, with the stakes even higher to protect their parents and boyfriends. Except Hanna, apparently, who has more parents and more boyfriends than anybody else on the show, but on the other hand they are all even sketchier than the Liars themselves.
Aria: "And everyone that's watching is going to believe that Emily totally went rogue and that she wants the box that Jason gave me. The one with the evidence that doesn't really exist."
Who Is Actually Going To Think That: Nobody. Maybe A, but certainly not "everyone that's watching," because nobody knows what the fuck any of you are ever talking about.
MARIN
Back home, Lucas is trying to hook Hanna on comic books, a thing boys have been trying to do to girls forever and ever, but who is standing in her kitchen but Cyberwolf Caleb. Lucas stares at them as they kiss their hellos, and feels a feeling he cannot name. Perhaps it is one we don't have words for.
SWIM MEET
Toby: "Talking shit about Officer Garrett makes it seem like I'm jealous he's dating the sister that used to rape me."
Emily: "I'm just here to watch one of the fifty swim meets that happen at this school each and every day of the year."
Toby: "Hey, can I ask you something? Why is Spencer being such a bitch to you? And more importantly, me?"
Emily: "Stop caring immediately."
Toby: "No, this is just my face. I swear."
HOLLIS
Aria takes the book back to Ezra's office, with a stupid love note inside, and then rethinks the love note. But it's too late! Jackie Morales appears out of nowhere, and so begins the dance of death. They go back over all the stuff about how they keep blackmailing each other for the sweet sweet candy that is Ezra's many positive traits, and then Ezra walks in and nearly dies from a nice-guy heart attack about girls fighting over him. Jackie disappears, again in an instant. To where? From whence? She is so evil.
Aria: "Okay, but the funny part is that I would have dumped you even if she wasn't blackmailing me about it. Also, I forgot to tell you that I blackmailed her first."
Ezra: "I guess part of it is my fault for wussing out in the most painful way possible when I had the opportunity to tell your mom you're the one I hold hands with."
Aria: "Yeah, I can see why that would terrify you."
Ezra: "I just had this amazing plan that I've never had one single time before!"
Aria: "Is it to tell my parents we're dating?"
Ezra: "Are you psychic?"
HANNA LOVE TRIANGLE
Caleb: "Hey, why are you out here instead of watching the 35th swim meet of the day?"
Lucas: "I am chlorine intolerant. That is a real thing."
Caleb: "Well, it's nice to see you. And presumably live in your house rent-free."
Lucas: "Hey, are you ever going to leave town permanently?"
Caleb: "I'm sorry, were you not the one that drove across the country to pick me up and force me on Hanna yet again?"
Lucas: "I'm starting to see the downside of that plan."
Caleb: "You're sweet to worry about Hanna."
Lucas: "...Yeah, let's go with that."
SHOWDOWN #2
After the swim meet -- that is, between the swim meet that just ended and the swim meet that is about to start -- the girls have another staged showdown.
Emily: "I want the box! The one that Jason gave Aria! Containing meaningless girl things that only girls would care about!"
Liars: "Fuck you!"
Emily: "Spencer is going to fuck is over! We have to cut a deal with..."
Spencer: "Emily! Don't say that name in front of all of our boyfriends and Officer Garrett!"
Emily: "You forget, we all learned how to keep secrets from the same person."
I have been taught by masters.
Anyway, it's clever because they're using everybody's propaganda to help the story: The fact that Spencer is this Heather Duke taking over the group in Alison's wake, and the idea that she's this horrible heavy that rules with an autistic iron fist; Emily as Perennial Outcast drug using lesbian Christian etc., that of course it was just a matter of time, and so on. (Hanna as bulimic lapdog, I guess. Aria as self-absorbed bystander.)
MONTGOMERY
Ezra: "Listen. [A ton of wussed-out throat-clearing.] I am in love with your daughter."
Aria: "It's all true. We fucked in a bar bathroom. I was totally drunk and thought he was a young boy."
Mike: "Hey guys, what's up?"
Ella: "Mike? You're gonna wanna go upstairs."
Basically Ella sticks with total denial, Byron gets as alpha male as he possibly can, and Aria and Ezra shiver and feel awful. Watch Holly Marie Combs act the hell out of the scene, and then watch Mike punch Ezra in the face and run off.
Aria: "We are like the bad idea people of all time."
Ezra: "My nose!"
PARENTING
Byron: "Wait, did you know our daughter was getting statutory raped?"
Ella: "No! I thought it was Spencer!"
Byron: "Well, that's all right then."
Ella: "I mean maybe this is my fault because I didn't lay out a red carpet for him to grow some nuts that night at the police station. It being a totally inappropriate venue for that conversation, and all, I guess it could have been hard for him to step up."
Byron: "Don't blame the victim! Which is me!"
Aria, verbatim: "Can I say something, please? Don't make up your minds right now. You can't figure out in one night what I'm still trying to understand myself. I love you... So much. I love him too. So please, just... Just imagine for one minute that this is real, because it is. I swear that it is."
Montgomerys: "Holy Christ you are the worst."
"Just imagine this is real"? That's your big strategy? Spencer really is the smart one.
HOLLIS OFFICE HOURS
Jackie: "Don't be angry."
Ezra: "I'm a little more than that, actually."
Jackie: "But see, the fact that I'm a bitch doesn't take anything away from the fact that you were statutory raping a student and then thought her parents -- one of whom is, like, your boss -- would be totally cool with that?"
Ezra: "When you say it like that, I guess this makes sense."
Jackie: "If shippers ran the world..."
Ezra: "I guess this is why they don't, huh?"
Jackie: "So are we back in love?"
Ezra: "You have breasts, pubic hair, a womanly form. You are in full flower. I see no feathers dangling from anywhere on your outfit. What could possibly attract me to you?"
OPERATION FAKEOUT
Everybody's getting ready to do their A takedown, and of course Emily is the only punctual one because that will put her in the most danger: Hanna gets waylaid by her stupid dad wanting to have another bitchfest on her, Aria is in trouble for Ezra, and best of all, Spencer gets interrupted by Toby. This is in the middle of a fairly hilarious scene of her scanning the kitchen making sure she has all of the weapons, blunt objects, knives and stun-guns she takes with her whenever she leaves the house, like, she literally says: "I'm trying to think of what we're forgetting to bring," stares at the knife block and the various deadly weapons in the kitchen, and nods: "I think we're all set."
Hanna gets off to deal with Pops, and then Toby appears out of nowhere like a creeper and starts yelling at her about how she can break up with him, or she can break up with Emily, but she can't do both or else that means she's going to Crazytown. It's fairly heartbreaking on the one hand, because you can tell it's ripping Spencer up that she can't tell him any of the facts that are going on, but also kind of lukewarm because he's being such a "good boyfriend" and telling her what to do and what to feel and like physically barring her from leaving the house, all in her best interests of course but I mean, you can't really love what you don't respect, and that includes both choiccces aaand . If you think she presents a danger to herself, call the booby hatch instead of grabbing her arm and telling her what she can and can't say and do. You know?
Spencer: "What do I have to do to make you leave me alone?"
End of discussion. But no.
Toby: "Tell me about the night you found the shovel."
Spencer: "I did!"
Toby: "You said somebody tricked you into finding it, and I believe you, but ever since that night, the four of you have been acting like... Ali's still running things. Playing you against each other. Today at school, you sounded just like Ali when you talked to Emily. Jenna always said that you wanted to take Ali down, replace her. I didn't think that was true until today."
Spencer: "I have been taught by masters. But trust me, this is not the emergent situation you think it is, and if you will just let me run this one takedown errand I will have everything back to normal by midnight, and then I can tell you the whole funny story."
Toby: "Why would tonight change things?"
Spencer: "See above, re: I can't tell you. God."
MARIN
Ashley: "Congratulations again on getting married. After I dumped you."
Hanna: (Is pissy and mean because I guess she still thinks Ashley didn't cosign the wedding. Or because she's playing the part and kind of has to, because she can't very well apologize without explaining why she did it. Maybe she's canny like that. Or maybe she's just angry, like always, because she is Hanna and she doesn't actually need a fuckload more reasons than that.)
Dad: "There's a lot of this and that and problems and hurt feelings and stuff, yeah, but we're going to work them out. As a family."
Hanna, verbatim: "Which family?"
Ashley, silently: "Awww yeah, that's my girl."
Anyway, Dad and jug-blowing hick wife and his horrible, awful daughter Kate will be moving to Rosewood. How come?
Ashley: "Just to fuck everything up. You know how this show works."
FAKEOUT
Mike: "Sorry I punched your statutory rapist! I just didn't want our dad to hit him, because it would make everything worse. Plus, I tend to act out to distract from the other problems in our family. You may have noticed."
Aria: "No, I was too busy drinking in bars and making out with strangers."
She escapes through his bedroom window and heads for Operation Fakeout, which is already in progress, because once again Emily's twinned issues of Being Punctual and Wandering Alone Into Scary Buildings are about to conspire against her.
Emily, To A Mysterious Shape: "I knew you'd be here. I knew I could depend on you. You listen to us. You're always listening. You know you made a mistake, don't you? It must be driving you crazy. You're afraid we found something, something in this box. Something about you. Do you want to know what we found? Do you want to see what you're afraid of?"
A: "Sure, show me what's in the box. What's in the box? What's in the boxxxxxxx?!"
Emily, with the manic smile of somebody who truly does not fucking get it, opens the box to reveal... Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
Emily: "Nothing! We found nothing. We lied to you, and you believed us. That was your mistake!"
Gwyneth Paltrow's Head: "Even I have more of a clue than you do, apparently. You better run, girl."
Emily kind of runs, but of course A beats the shit out of her.
Emily: "Paaaain creaaaaam!"
A continues to bounce her off the walls.
Emily: "Where are my stupid frieeeends!?"
A picks her up and throws her into a swimming pool full of fists. A jumps off something very high and lands on Emily's head. Everything is like Itchy & Scratchy.
OUTSIDE
Finally, the gals arrive and chase A... Right into the path of Hanna's car! THAT IS AWESOME! But A, being a ghost ninja, is unhurt and just limps off into the woods.
Even Hanna: "Did I just run over A? That is hilarious."
Spencer: "But A got away! I'll never kiss Toby again! We're still under indictment for lots of murders! Nothing actually changed! Nothing ever changes on this show! It is driving me even more nuts than I usually am!"
Hanna: "Was it Garrett or Jenna?"
Liars: "...How could it be Jenna?"
Hanna: "Well, was it a boy or a girl? Any sense of boobs?"
Liars: "Hanna!"
Hanna: "For once that was not just me saying 'boobs' to make myself laugh. It's a legit question."
Spencer runs around for awhile ramming her head into shit and picking up woodland creatures and squeezing them to death and kicking ancient redwoods until they split in half... And then the other Liars, who have not lost their goddamn minds, find a strange cell phone on the ground near the spot where Hanna bumped the villain. Whose?
A-TAG
A: "Argh!"
She beats up a car, screaming in a guttural fashion. Or else it is a boy. I did not get a sense of boobs.
WEEK
Remembering their solemn vow not to involve anybody in their problems, the girls involve Caleb in their problems. Also, maybe there are multiple A's, and I think a party. Somebody hide the lasagna!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.