By Jacob
Two things going on. Number one, we get to see the Lily Kane of it all: What an episode of this show would be like if Alison were around and not dead. Score. And second, we get to see little hints and secrets about what happened later, with a bunch of kisses from the writers who know we eat this shit up. On both counts, total success. As a stand-alone Halloween Special, I can see why you would watch this strange mess and think, "I would like to watch this strange mess on a weekly basis," so I guess it's a homer, because even if you didn't know the deal... You kind of would know the actual strange mess deal. You wouldn't be making your decision based on false info. But since you're reading this, we'll assume we're already in this together.
So Noel Kahn's having a party -- already two awesome things -- which means we all have to pick costumes. Aria's like too overwhelmed to deal with Halloween or the awesome of Noel Kahn because she just saw her dad making out with that student of his and now we have to run off to Iceland. (Mikey and Ella both don't appear, which is a bumster.) Hanna's in her fat suit and totally bored by that adorable cop putting the pre-move moves on her mom. Spencer's wearing these ridiculous nerd spectacles and trying to jockey for some kind of school social position I never figured out. And Emily, as usual, is pretending to fuck boys while wanting to fuck girls... Namely Jenna, which is the most interesting thing of all in the whole episode, because girlfriend looked smoking hot. (Maybe it's just the delicious cuteness of a girl who hasn't yet molested her siblings or brainwashed the cops, maybe it's her ownership of eyeballs, but either way you get where Em's coming from.)
Alison gets niggled by her brother about the weird voodoo dolls and A messages she's receiving, Emily gets niggled by Ali about wanting to fuck the new girl in town, Aria has weird feelings about her gross dad, and Spencer acts like Spencer but in a sad fashion. Ali solves all of those problems in her usual grody way, and then it's time for the party. The show seems to want us to care, so I'll tell you: Emily is Sacheen Littlefeather for some reason, Aria is somebody from The Craft, Spencer is Mary Queen of Scots for obvious reasons, and Hanna is Britney from the "One More Time" era, because she so fat and that jacket covers so much of how fat.
Jenna and Alison come as different Lady Gagas, which makes for a funny early-moment convo where they both talk about "Lady G" and you start thinking that "Lady G" is the new "website page" until later when a Gaga song plays and they all talk about it. Noel Kahn wears nothing like a Lady Gaga costume, but clearly wishes otherwise, because he would rock that shit. There is, at this point, a feint at a storyline where Noel Kahn is pretending to stalk Alison so that she can scare the other girls into thinking she's being murdered, but it's all this elaborate Halloween trick that consumes half the episode.
But not in a wasteful way, because obviously Alison would do that anyway, but what's this? The actual person chasing her into the abandoned house and fighting her in front of the Liars isn't Noel at all, but possibly Mona or Lucas, the former of whom shows up in nerd-gear that's even less believable than Hanna's fatsuit (and the latter of whom is even cuter than usual). Basically, it's even more about Noel Kahn than usual, and even less about him than usual, because that's how this show rolls: Alison thought she was playing a trick, but really everybody is A, and everybody murdered everybody, and that is true now, it was true in 2008, it will be true ten years from now when this show is still on and still being all, "But who is A?"
So now everybody is back in play, because half the people at this party are wearing the same (terrifying) baby-doll burlap-sack costume, and literally everybody in town mentions that Alison deserves to die after videotaping herself with one dude, getting a sweater from a second dude, having an affair with a third dude and a lesbian, and then getting hit in the face by like four different people including their own sisters. So no, Noel Kahn was supposed to be her accomplice but was too busy being Noel Kahn, so that part was played by literally one of the thousands of other creeps in town, so way to go not killing anybody for the fourth year in a row, Noel Kahn. Please visit again soon.
What we learned: Even less than usual, except that Alison was being effed with by A before she even died, which is exciting to think about, and that Noel Kahn is adorable in a bear suit while Lucas was cuter before/now and Mona was a nerdy nerdy two by thirty. Emily was totally turned on by wicked-hot Jenna back before Ali stole her eyeballs, and was also totally nice to Toby when he didn't have a rapeful sister raping him all the time. There was once a party where Hanna didn't assault a Christian or lose her lasagna/money or steal any cars or vomit on any debutantes or get run over. Aria was even cooler when she had pink stripes in her hair, which is like two wrongs making a right, and Spencer was pretty gross before life turned her into a razorblade suitcase, for which we thank life a million times.
Everything else is just Ali manipulation and waiting for January. But when I say Noel Kahn was dressed like a doctor, I hope you know what I mean. Recap by Friday.