In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!So you know how there's two kinds of nuclear reactions when you shove a lot of nuclei into one location: Fission, where they explode, and fusion, where they get all screwed up. Either way, lots of power in there. It's a synthetic hothouse and the things can't help but interact.
And you know how the nuclear family as a unit was only invented like two hundred years ago, and our "classic" nuclear family in America is really just a dividend from the interstate highway system, isolating these mother/father/children units from each other and shipping the old folks off to sad Hoarders episodes or even sadder old folks' homes: A synthetic hothouse, where the things can't help but react.
The rise of the poltergeist coincides with the invention of the nuclear family. So do eating disorders. We've already talked a lot about the psychic energy bouncing around teenage girls, and why it's such a big deal: Because teen girl sexuality is the most important commodity in the entire universe, and must be controlled. Put that into a reactor like the synthetic nuclear family, and you get this show: Every man is a predator, and every girl knows for a fact that there is something horrible and dirty inside her. Everybody is unimaginably alone, because everybody carries this secret, and since we don't talk about it, we have no idea that everybody on earth feels this way.
Spencer's always carried the football on this one, which is why I'm bringing it up at the very beginning because of what she's about to say -- and because this episode, even for this show, never stops staring right at this idea -- but consider each of the Liars' families in nuclear terms: Aria's family is in total fission, and she's looking for a teacher who'll sleep with his students. Hanna's family is the definition of fission, and she's doing okay considering her mom is just as much of a child as she is. Emily's mom is showing the pressure of being locked up in a house with her daughter's sexuality, while her dad gets to pat her on the head and then run back into war.
Or consider the Cavanaughs, in their Grey Gardens reactor: Jenna, who's willing to do everything to trap her brother in there with her, and Toby who is becoming a ghost himself.
In every case you see a major truth happening, which is that our family psychodramas link us back to antiquity, but only circumstantially: This fusion's one good effect is that it forces the archetypes out much faster and culturally we have to deal with them faster and better. We don't have time to make up fairytales and sand them down to truth over generations, because we're looking it in the face all the time, so we have TV shows and cultural phenomena and memes instead. We're crazier, but also healthier, if you see what I'm saying, because we see it happening and have to account for it in every transaction: Freud, like astrology, is completely invalid but always correct.
But in the midst of all this, in order for the world to make sense everybody has to pretend none of it's going on. Spencer again, you can't help but see that fusion effect: Ian and Wren and Ian again, constantly walking in on her in the bathroom or teaching her (and Alison) how to play golf. Old guys always in the space of young girls: The poltergeist of Spencer would be unimaginably powerful. And then too you have Ella, turning a very specific blind eye to the Ezra situation, very intense about this denial thing in a little while, when she'll looks her daughter in the eye and says, "Repeat after me: Nothing weird is going on here."
But so is Spencer -- the number one candidate for an eating disorder, even though Hanna's the Liar with that secret -- actually trying to sleep with every man that comes into her house, or is she trying to chase them away? To solve the problem by pushing the issue? Because that fits with her A-related behavior: Whether it's Toby or Noel or Ian, she's always the one that's convinced this time it's real, and if they can get rid of the guy they'll get rid of the problem -- the secrets and the lies and the awful feelings -- and their lives will go back to being sternly innocent. Maybe she's taking orders from the God of Cold Fusion (aka Alison DiLaurentis), who tells her that if she can explode the reactor things will stop being radioactive.
Anyway, I know that's a download -- and I do try to rein these recaps in from the usual blah-blah -- but this episode is very inspiring and very nasty, and that's a good combo, because it's like a little diorama of all the major things about this show. So the girls are still watching the Alison sex tape, and the only person who can admit that she's fucking Ian -- rather than being murdered -- is Hanna, because she's the only one that actually cares about sex at all. Aria stares and Emily cries and Spencer's like, "She is gripping the ground because she needed a weapon!"
Hanna's all, "Don't yell at me, I'm just trying to give your creepy brother an out!" And Spencer just about turns inside-out thinking about it that way -- "Creepy brother-in-law!" -- but the universe is not willing to give her that one, because the universe knows things are not that simple. It's the reason Ian is constantly cooking in that scary way and talking about how they're family now. In fact, that might be his part of the nuclear situation too: Ian trying to rewrite history and make their house stop being radioactive by forcing Spencer to be a little sister, a little girl. Only problem is, the fusion remains no matter what we do, which is why talking about it is so important.
The Liars are divided about watching the video a bunch more times and trying to decode its secrets, but then it doesn't matter anyway because Ian comes in and invites them all to have some popcorn and watch a chick flick with Melissa in the barn. He invites Emily to leave the swimteam and join field hockey, corralling the Liars into a new configuration that gives him more power, and everybody stares at everybody else thinking they're in the same room as a killer they just saw on video, and finally he gets the message that he's being frozen out, and leaves.
Of course, this lasts five seconds and then he's back again, but it's mostly just so Spencer can stress out about the fact that Ian's in the room with her laptop, which is frozen on Ian and right out there in the open. It is very, very creepy and the girls are all climbing out of their skins, but of course he didn't see it... Unless, of course, he did.
Big thing this week is the danceathon, where they all get pledges by-the-dance to finance a class trip to DC. Hanna's Chair of Decorating, but since she got run over by that car that time she's more of a supervisor, which annoys the Liars and stresses Sean out to no end. Of course, Hanna's more focused on the fact that she managed to get her mom's stolen money re-stolen, and all she can think about is earning money so her mom doesn't go to prison: An out that A is offering, at terrible price.
Hanna runs off to yell at somebody about something, and Aria thinks about maybe breaking her other leg, because Aria is awesome in this episode for once. Even the Ezra stuff, she rocks. It's fun. There is discussion of how they need to take Spencer's laptop to the police, but the concern -- and this is how paranoid they're getting -- is that somehow the video itself is a setup, and there's some weird reason A would want them to take it to the cops.
"Guys, let's not try to second-guess A? We've been there. We ended up scared of Noel Kahn, who turned out to be just a jealous freak looking for a better grade."
Truth. (Although I would point out that Noel Kahn is so, so much more than that.)
And anyway, second-guessing A also sometimes gets your ass run over. Spencer goes, "We could be walking into a trap!" and Aria points out that Spencer is already living in a trap. To be fair, Spencer knows that while Ian is a Chester Molester, he's not A and he's not the killer and anyway, he wouldn't want them to have the video. Other hand, Emily points out, Toby gave Alison his sweater before she saw Ian, and that's the reason Toby will be going to the synthetic hothouse of jail.
But here's what everybody is wearing: Emily and Hanna both look normal and pretty. Aria is wearing shorts and suspenders with a black heart/corset shape over her white t-shirt, creating the effect of a JC Penney gothic Mouseketeer. But Spencer, my Lord Spencer, she's got her hair braided up around her head, a skinny tie, and a slim-cut men's suit so intense and tailored that even Katharine Hepburn would be like, "That's kind of severe." Of all her weirdo outfits, this one is the weirdest since the last one. And needless to say she looks phenomenal, like if Jane Austen ever wrote a book about a lesbian equestrian this would be her go-to.
Single-minded Hanna's first response to a screwup with the printers' shop (too many DC-related Barack standups, not enough Michelles, and isn't that the way) is to get the guy fired and take his job, because Hanna this week is all about gainful employment that doesn't involve cupcakes. She asks Sean if she can get a job at his mom's dental office, but apparently that's out before she came after a kid with a drillbit once because he quote "aimed at me for rinse-and-spit." Hanna's kinda my hero. He tries to be supportive and finally she lies that she's stressing about money because she wants these earrings, and he promises to ask even though he knows it will never be. Kind of like dating Sean.
Ella Montgomery! You look so wonderful, how have you been? Well, she's brought in Aria's wonderful old babysitter, Simone as portrayed by the wondrous Alona Tal, to give her English class some kind of hope for the future. Seems Simone's a big-deal writer in the big city now. Simone talks about the weirdness of being back at her old high school, and before she thinks it through Aria demands that Simone also visit the Liars' English class. Ella jumps on that shit immediately, of course, and not only confirms the plan but sets Simone up on a date with one Ezra Fitz.
Still blind to what's happening, Aria chatters at Simone about her Iceland journal and Simone pushes her to write amazing stories about her amazing life, reminding her that once Simone forced her to "turn off The O.C. and read Wuthering Heights." Which is exactly what's wrong with academia today.
Aria chortles that it wasn't Wuthering Heights, it was The Exorcist, as though that invalidates whatever point Simone was making about high and low culture, and Ella comes back with Fitz's troth in hand. "Say yes!" she urges Simone, cutting slanty looks at her endangered daughter: "He's very single and very handsome." Aria, the lights go out in her head as she figures out what Ella is doing, and Ella grins at her daughter: "Am I wrong?" No, mother dear. Not at all.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Later in the Quad, Emily's having no luck contacting Maya at True North, due to that being the point of bootcamp, and when Hanna asks what she's even doing -- "Building a log cabin?" -- Emily's still got her wits about her: "Building character," she says with a withering tone. It's awesome. Turns out Maya's phone has been reprogrammed and only her parents can call in. Hanna notes new guy Caleb doing shady shit in the corner, and takes him Emily's phone so he can reprogram it. In addition to wearing a knit-cap and looking all kinds of Quileute, he is also some kind of hacker.
Hanna runs into Lucas on the steps, and he is predictably icy. (Not that the whole reprogrammed-phone thing sounds all that plausible, but if it were, isn't that the kind of thing Lucas can do? I just miss Lucas. Cute fun eBay Lucas, not stalker whiner scorned Lucas.)
Seems Simone's sponsoring all four Liars for the danceathon; Hanna could care less because she's still all about finding gainful employment. Spencer heard that Rosewood PD is hiring, and Hanna quirks one eyebrow: After all, she has experience with them. Getting ready to head over there with the laptop, Hanna notes that Spencer's music library is online. How can this be? Because what seems to be a laptop in Spencer's messenger bag is actually a yearbook. Sneaky! Of course, she's had the bag all day... Except for PE, when it was in her locker. To which only the coaches -- meaning Ian -- have access. (!!!)
Saturday. Emily tracks down Caleb on one of the cobblestone lanes where all the stores are, and he's sassy and very much the con-man, although he seems fairly friendly if you discount the total narcness of him and the fact that he's extorting more money out of Emily's lesbian desperation. And considering the show is positioning him as the new Noel Kahn -- getting into every one of their storylines eventually, even having separate one-on-one scenes with three of the Liars in this episode -- it's nice to imagine him eventually becoming an ally. Every group of girls, once they're reached a certain amount of power, inevitably needs a hacker werewolf for their technology. Emily is not interested in having a chili-cheese dog with pretty pretty Caleb, but the fact that he offered to tell her his narc biography means I think that he can be trusted, eventually. Insofar as anybody on this show can be trusted.
Sean drives Hanna over to this little boutique, where this totally weird Lily Munster/Nicolette Sheridan hybrid lady sadly states that she cannot hire Hanna, even though she's a shopaholic and knows the entire inventory, because once again Ashley Marin's subprime ways have her in debt. Hanna stomps back out to the car and won't talk to Sean about it, and generally just acts pissy and weird, because Hanna gets what she wants, and on the rare occasions when Hanna doesn't get what she wants, total destruction is usually the result. (In this episode, the part of Hanna will be played by Emily Fields. Kaboom!) Just in time, A sends her a message: Another task for cash, coming soon. Hope it's totally awful!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Aria heads over to Ezra's garret with coffees and pastry, because that's what sophisticated young ladies do with their boyfriends. Ezra's shifty and weird about it, and of course she thinks it's because she didn't knock three times on the door and then meet him at their prearranged place or whatever cloak & dagger shit they get up to, but actually it's because Ezra Fitz has a busy day ahead of him. Specifically, his Ella-arranged date with Simone.
This is where Lucy Hale/Aria's total badassness kicks in, and it's just great. I mean, not that Aria entirely gets what's really going on exactly -- she never will, the show would fall apart -- but she acts more like a destructive teenager and less like an annoying Delia*s version of Anaïs Nin than usual. Ezra strong-arms Aria out the door, and she rolls her eyes, and he tells her he'll count to fifty before leaving and it's all so, so gross and so, so funny to watch her deal with it. I think this is the first time I've ever completely bought into Aria Montgomery. Lucy Hale is a down girl.
Ian's making a scary serial-killer sandwich and scraping the cutting board with a huge knife when Spencer walks in on him in the kitchen. Ian confirms that she backs up her files, but says he doesn't know where her computer is -- even suggests she check the barn, like it maybe wandered across the yard -- and then notifies her that he'll be chaperoning the dance.
"It was either that or spending a night in Philly with Melissa and her business school friends," Ian smiles. "School dance felt less painful... Melissa knows it's not my scene. I'm more comfortable here." Yeah, dinner with adults and your pregnant wife seems way less interesting than a night of awkward teenage dancing. If you're a pedophile!
Ian goes on a thing about how he used to be more comfortable in Rosewood before the smalltown gossip started, and I'm not sure what he means. (I think I forgot something that he is talking about, because I don't remember any scandals with Ian. Maybe the fact that he left and then came back and then got married? Was there something about him getting his coaching job back?) On the other hand, Spencer doesn't know what the hell he's talking about either, and immediately assumes he's calling her and the Liars out for investigating him. He rolls his eyes at her total paranoia and things get nuclear: "Listen, Spence, what do you say we put the past behind us? We're living under the same roof now. Let's try and be a family." It sends a chill through Spencer, and also everybody watching, because way to push on the bruise of this entire show.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Into the dance -- which is just gorgeous; I've seen a lot of Norman Buckley party scenes in my time and this one beats them all -- and of course old Hanna's brought her flask with her. Hello, old friend! Spencer laughs at her friend's total grossness and tells her to at least fold a magazine around it, and everybody starts showing up, looking lush. Everybody looks amazing at the dance, especially Emily; even including Ian. Whose appearance, it's worth pointing out, always presages a jumpcut back to Ali in the video throes.
Goal one: Get Ian's laptop bag out of the locked drawer in his office by stealing his keys from his checked coat. Goal two: Keep Emily from total meltdown. (This is a secret goal they don't know about yet.) Goal three: Keep crazy Aria from chewing Simone and/or Ezra's face off. Goal four: Whatever horrible thing A is going to make Hanna do. Goal five: Never stop dancing.
Emily points out that without the laptop there's no reason to go to the police, but Spencer's hilariously not buying that: "Look, we saw what we saw. Something went down between him and Alison, and he buried her in the yard to shut her up!" Spencer is so magnificent. It's not like Spencer goes to 11, it's like she lives there.
Byron Montgomery shows up, to Ella's wary smiling surprise, and she explains the rules of the danceathon to him while Ian's announcing the beginning of the contest. Ella is, of course, in charge of like half the things going on. Including not giving him a fucking inch, thank God, and in her usual classy way. Ella being the one person who has solved the self-contradicting binomial Teen Girl equation, which is how to be sexy enough to get what you want but not so sexy that you're indicted for a crime nobody's ever actually committed.
Simone shows up and Aria -- who is requesting the Rescues from the DJ on a signup sheet, although how great would it have been if she'd requested the Ella/Byron song? -- starts getting weird about it. Apparently she and Ezra had a fabulous coffee date, talking about world events and classic literature and, I don't know, Iron & Wine or dumpster pools or whatever old people think is hip. The Cobrasnake. "They did not have English teachers like that when I was here," Simone gushes, and Aria digs her nails into her palms like a tiny big-eyed stigmatic.
Spencer splits to get the key, and Hanna notes poor Lucas in the corner before meeting up with Caleb and Emily to complete the phreak transaction. Once Emily's got the phone in her mitt she runs off like Gollum and Hanna sticks around to yell at Caleb for charging her double. Hanna's all about money but especially right now: "Considering you charged her three times the normal amount that phone should answer itself and have a built-in lipstick!" Hanna's a good friend, in the oddest ways. He tells her to call customer service with her black-market complaints and she calls him an ass, and then they have the coolest microconversation:
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hanna: "Always working an angle, aren't you?"
Caleb: "Like you're not?"
Hanna: "You don't know the first thing about me!"
Caleb: "No, you don't know the first thing about you."
Caleb! The pith is strong in this one. He's like the Greek chorus of Girl World. I don't even know what he means exactly but it's a strong indication that we need to pay attention to the stuff he says. If Toby were capable of expressing himself I think he's say the same stuff, essentially, but since he's hamstrung by being looney-tunes, and Mona's hamstrung by being an insane bitch, it's nice to have somebody around telling the true things. (Well, about people other than Sean, Lucas.)
And speaking of Lucas, the fix is in: $200 in tax-free A money for every dance. Oh, that's good. That's even better than the cupcakes, actually.
So while Spencer's getting Ian's keyring, Hanna's got to figure out a way to dance with Lucas without Sean wigging out. Since this is impossible, Sean wigs out. But at least Hanna goes about building her case in a rational way: Essentially, it's mean to exclude Lucas and the whole reason she's dating Sean is because he was nice to her when she was Hefty. Therefore, he can't complain when she tries to do the same with Lucas, like trickledown freakonomics.
Sean's not into that, though: "You were sweet! This kid's looking to get bitchslapped every time he opens his mouth!" Sean is very hard to disagree with, it's true. Especially in his plaid banker's shirt, sweater vest and sleeves rolled up past his elbows like some kind of '80s preppy sex god. Sean's such a part of the Obstacle Course Of Life most weeks that it takes a lot to make him noticeable, but he's definitely working it this week.
No less suspicious of Hanna's charity is Lucas himself, who at least tries to be diplomatic about telling her to fuck off. Finally she goes back to her usual "you've been treating me like a bedbug for weeks" complaint, and points out that they're only dancing for a good cause, exposure to civics, and everybody's gotta dance with somebody. He says he doesn't like the song, she grins and reminds him that he actually loves this song, and finally he gives in, and it's pretty cute.
(...Which is repulsive! Because now Lucas is Ducky, and Hanna's finally giving him a taste. Which in terms of his fantasy/reality equation resets their entire relationship to the long-ago eBay level, when the biggest problems between them were Mona and his muddy shoes... But none of that is actually true, and Hanna's sweetness and charity are now the biggest lie of all. The best thing about her, her protectiveness and compassion for Lucas, are now total prostitution and the opposite of her better nature. Even though she's not actually faking, and totally wants to be friends and dance with Lucas, none of it counts. Isn't that so gross? I loooove it. What a nasty little tale.)
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Spencer finds Emily getting off the phone with Maya, the bearer of sad news: Maya has drunk the Kool-Aid to its dregs and no longer really gives a shit about their love affair, because she is too busy building character and singing creepy songs and finding her inner True North. Spencer, as usual: "Sweetie, she's in wilderness boot camp. She's been talking to bears." And maybe even being watched by her counselor while she's on the phone. But no, that was just straight-up New Maya. She was alone, brainwashed and hung out to dry in the wilderness. God, I hope losing the only thing that's kept Emily hanging on doesn't send her over the edge or anything.
There's an interesting parallel here, I think, because the only time I can think of A intentionally detonating a secret was when she sent the kissing booth photos to Pam Fields. Nearly every other time she's pushing the girls back into their secrets, or cutting them off from people (Alex, e.g.). But as a sort of Goddess of Justice that was one of the few times I can remember her doing something that might help you. In a bad way, of course, but ultimately in a way that built character and erased secrets.
And then you've got this Lucas situation, which does the same thing: Hanna's whole life is built on not being Hefty Hanna and having the things Hefty Hanna couldn't have, like Sean. But what was always there, Lucas, is something she is still only barely able to comprehend wanting, because it conflicts with her own ideas about herself. She can be kind to Lucas, but only if she's being condescending in the way she thinks Sean was. And so A breaking her up with Sean and setting her up with Lucas is sort of the same thing: Breaking open the weird secret and letting it shine. Taking away the scaffolding of lies and showing the actual thing that you've been making. Hoping it can stand on its own.
I've come to believe that Aria and Ezra really are soulmates. Keywords in the Ezra/Simone conversation at this point? Prague, abroad, absinthe, marionettes. I rest my fucking case.
But in terms of the overarching nuclear ickiness, the Secret Life of Girls that this show does not hesitate to put on blast and continually nails, how about this slash-and-dash move by Simone, my emph.: "Talk about somebody who loves their puppets. Remember that huge Cookie Monster you had on your bed? You slept with him every night. He had to be peeled off of you in the morning. You slept with him in between your legs!"
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!I had to rewind that shit about sixteen times to make sure it actually happened. The only way that could be more upsetting -- or more honest -- is if they'd jumpcut again to Alison's sex spasms. Just toss the while nasty salad at once. And then you got Aria, who can't even deal with the semi-unconscious sexual warfare of this conversation, and is only there to steal Ian's keys by, get this, pretending it's her dad's jacket. While Spencer heads off with the keys, Lucas tries to remind Hanna that she's there with a date -- "Remember him? Big guy? Likes to hit me? -- and she literally shushes him, like would make Aria proud. You can feel Lucas give in; she feels it too, and it makes her want to barf.
Aria's about halfway to a freakout, asking Ella how long fucking Simone's going to be in town, and offering the opinion that Simone is making a total ass fool of herself. Ella takes her measure, and Aria looks extremely messed up, so her mom finally comes to half of the conclusion: "I think I know what's going on here. You're jealous." Aria scoffs and wriggles and twitches and makes it completely clear that that's what's going on, and Ella tries to be kind about it.
"Honey, she's your old babysitter, and she's your friend, and she's spending more time with Mr. Fitz than you," she says carefully. "But Aria, you gotta cut her some slack. You know it's hard to meet nice guys. Sometimes you gotta strike while the iron's hot. You'll understand one day." She caresses Aria's face and walks off and Aria gives the greatest OMFG of the entire episode -- an episode which is turning out to be just a hit reel of Aria OMFG faces.
I love how everybody on the show understands that Ella and Fitz would be the perfect match, because they're both teachers and they're so great in scenes together, but they also understand that that concept would be too gross even for this show. But then to sidestep it by having Ella be the sensitive, intuitive mom trying to shepherd her precocious daughter through the fantasies of adolescence, that brings the Ella/Ezra dynamic back into it in such a way that it's almost grosser and definitely more awesome. Ella stands in the way not by being authoritative Pam Fields, or selfish Ashley Marin who would sleep with her daughter's boyfriend/crush, but just by being awesome Ella. I love it.
Hanna takes a break to talk Sean out of freaking out, which does not go well. Apparently they're on dance #5, which means at worst she'll come out of this with a grand, which is not chump change. She's like, "Lucas is finally dancing instead of just swaying, I have to keep this shit going," and Sean is like, "You are on a date with Lucas." Which is true. Hanna, as usual, comes prepared: "This is a marathon, not a sprint. There'll be plenty of dances for us!"
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!But even that's not changing things, because she pulled this same shit at Homecoming and look how that turned out. "Do you bring me to these things just to ditch me? If you're trying to piss me off, it's working." And I have no doubt that Hanna could scramble and defeat this little snit-fit too, but then what do you know? Another A text, which she stalks off to read, leaving Sean shivering with virgin rage and total cuteness: Price just went up to $500, now that Hanna's in danger of calling it off to save her relationship. Gotta love A.
Spencer's having no luck with the keyring in Ian's office, so of course it's the perfect time for Caleb to appear like a wolf from the shadows and give her some grief about it. He offers a chainsaw to break in -- like that tree that disappeared! -- and to pick the lock for her if she wants, and she's like, "First, close that door and stop lurking, and second of all, there is literally no way I could possibly explain to you what's going on here. There are murders and incest and stress and secret identities and whatever, it's a moment I'm having." And then Caleb is once again fabulous:
"I don't live in a cave," he lies, because I think he does at least three days out of the month, "I get it: The rich girls steal, the pretty girls lie, the smart girls play dumb, and the dumb girls spend their days trying to be all of the above."
Which is just: Succinct. That is in fact what happens. And the reason is that, along with gay dudes, straight girls are the only people whose existence ruins the entire economy of men and women, which is why gay dudes and straight girls are constantly being infantilized. What he's describing is the feeling of being objectified. Being turned into an object works for everybody except the person it's happening to, which makes you feel crazy, claustrophobic, locked up in a synthetic hothouse/tower that everybody is telling you is okay and normal and the way people have always done things. Which just isn't true, and you know it isn't true, so in order to keep that cognitive dissonance at bay -- in order to remain a person at all -- you have to hide: Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. To survive long enough to grow your hair out and escape, you have to be a spy in your own life. A pretty little liar.
To the dulcet retro sex-tones of Howard Jones, Byron appears and asks Ella to dance with him. She's game, so he immediately takes it to the level: They should take Aria and Mike and Simone to "that little pizza joint" they used to go. Ella's like, "That sounds great, tell me how it goes." Byron smiles and says it wouldn't be like old times if she weren't there, and Ella's amazing: "It would be like new times," she says, and when he says it's just a pizza she knows different: "Yeah, but it comes with a lot of toppings."
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Emily heads for Hanna's flask and Spencer reports her inability to get into Ian's desk, but then Aria can't even pay attention because Simone has touched Ezra's arm one too many times. If she weren't wearing entire Decepticons as earrings, she'd be taking them off. She heads over to beat them both to death and Spencer grabs her just in time, begging Ezra for a dance. "Somebody's crushing on her English teacher!" Simone giggles to Aria, who just about does an angry backflip.
Hanna comes out to complain about the toll this dancing is taking on her body and soul, and crunk Emily has already gotten to a pretty tipsy place. She's drowsy and sexy and scary and magical and it's really disturbing; the first thing she does is call Hanna out for dancing with Lucas: "You know he worships you and you're never gonna look at him that way. Alison did the same thing to me. Makes you feel powerful, huh?" Hanna's like, "You can't say this shit if you already drank all the hooch, but no: I do not feel powerful, I feel the opposite of powerful. I feel gross." Emily, however, is not hearing it: "It's too bad she's not here tonight. Alison would've been really proud of you."
Damn, Emily!
It reminds me of something Norman said a while back, about how the thing that attracted them all into Alison's orbit was the very fact of how repulsive she was. That's so perverse, and so completely true. It's like how everybody thinks Twilight is a big deal because it's so "romantic" when the truth is, nobody but dumb moms think that shit is romantic: Twilight is a big deal because it's gross and weird, and teenagers are automatically gross and weird. Twilight is not the new JK Rowling, it's the new VC Andrews.
Spencer's entire explanation for dragging Ezra onto the dance floor: "Five more seconds and you would've ended up on YouTube. That was a suicide mission and you know it." Everything's a war if you look at it right, and that's why even though Hanna's my favorite Spencer will always be my girl.
Sean's conciliatory for about five seconds, but Hanna's not giving in on the Lucas thing -- price just went up to $1000 -- so Sean abruptly and poetically dumps her: "That car broke more than your legs. There's something really sick going on up there." Oh, girlfriend. She's like, I'm well aware. So then -- as a gorgeous cover of the Outfield's classic song about "I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love Tonight" starts playing, which is fucking genius -- she goes back to Lucas, because his arms around her are at least something. Taking the lie ever closer to the truth, and feeling wretched about it.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!How's Emily? Well, she's lost her marbles. Spencer and Aria drag her wobbling ass back to a couch and try to sober her up, but no: There is no fixing Emily's breakdown now. She starts shouting about how Ian kills whoever he wants and marries whoever he wants -- "He's not a chaperone, he's a killer!" -- and meanwhile Toby's got a lo-jack and he's probably going to jail, and everybody's eyes are like our little Emily, who knew she'd be the first one to crack and then with her swimmer's strength she sends everybody flying and gets right the fuck up in Ian's grill: "I know what you did! We all know! And you're not gonna get away with it!"
Amazing. So Emily stumbles off to wreak some more awesome havoc and Ian swings Spencer into his arms. She lies and says this outburst was about that time he molested her, and Ian gets super scary super fast. She swears nobody besides the Liars knows, and he leans in real close: "That better be the truth. Or someone's gonna get hurt."
Gotta say, Ian's officially won me over. Because he could just mean Melissa, which is what it would mean in a normal setting, like not in Rosewood where everything is gross and strange all the time, but then he's so fucking intense --- chop chop chop squeak chuckle grunt -- and Spencer's automatically so intense, that it could really mean... Anything at all. On this show everything means everything, as long as it's creepy.
They've finally got old Emily out of there, but now the question is: What to do with Emily? Take her home to mommy? While that would be awesome, now that Em's got nothing to lose, it would also result in a murder-suicide. And Hanna's not driving her there anyway, because Pam would have a shit-fit about her flask. So then it's decided that they'll all go to Spencer's, where Emily can sleep it off and Hanna can Help Spencer keep Ian from murdering everybody in the house.
There's a sweet teen movie moment where Lucas manfully takes his chance and offers Hanna a ride and a talk -- only fair, since her boyfriend just dumped her -- and Hanna seems honestly torn about it, because she's got Liar problems and still can't handle the idea of liking Lucas. At least she's talking to him like a person. (And take note, Lucases of the world: It's almost entirely because you're acting like one.) Lucas gives in, and Hanna discovers in her jacket an entire world of money. Fattest wad I've like ever seen.
And where's Aria? I think you know: Freaking out on Ezra for her weird obsessive teenage ideas. She makes a dramatic speech here in its entirety: "If you want, you should just leave with Simone. Take her home to New York. Why wouldn't you? She's beautiful, and she's smart and funny..." (Ezra, as though it's just occurring to him that Dolores Haze always holds all the power and always is a maniac: "I met her yesterday?") "She's successful, you love her writing, she's your age! I can't... I can't compete with that!" Oh, the woeful drama. Aria, I kinda love you. "You two even look like a couple. You can dance with her! And hold her hand in front of other people! Leave your apartment at the same time without having to count to fifty!"
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!That's what a relationship is, when you're Aria: Holding hands, dancing places, getting coffee, I bought you a scarf, we carry matching Moleskins. (An awesome forum poster surmised a few weeks back that the reason Ezra can't get a real date is because all he likes to do is hold hands; that still cracks me up.) Ezra's eyes are now wide with disbelief -- why the hell is this teenage girl I'm dating acting like a teenage girl? -- and he realizes it's time to call in the big guns: "Aria. Why are we having this conversation? I am already in love with someone else."
Oh, well okay then. That's literally all it takes and she immediately chills out. I cannot imagine how it's worth this much effort -- I mean, she's still Aria -- but don't ask me to explain perverts to you. They got needs we don't ken.
While Ella's closing up shop at the dance, handing over A's black jacket and gloves (coat check #32), Hanna wrestles away Emily's magic phone, and then stops her from apologizing about the mean drunk speech in a really kind, awesome manner: "Don't apologize. You were right. The truth is I was worse than Alison tonight. If that's even possible. And I do know how Lucas feels about me. I wasn't messing with him for fun."
And maybe right then she could have explained the Hitchcock movie her mom's gotten them into, but Emily falls into the blackouts and so she just covers her up. Downstairs, Spencer gives Hanna mad props for getting the phone away from her -- "That could cause some serious damage," she says, in her hardcore way -- and then Hanna discovers the laptop on the coffee table, magazines stacked on top.
Spencer assumes thusly that the laptop was never at the dance, and Ian put it there after she left, and immediately confirms that the Kissing Rock footage is gone forever. But then, of course, there's more: A new message from A, in which we see Alison running away from the barn after the Spencer fight but before the Toby run-in where she got the sweater, and a note: Watch your backs. I didn't. - A. There's a shadow behind her, even, but instead of assuming it's Toby they just know it was the murderer.
But I mean, really that picture is all of them, and the shadow that's chasing them is Alison, because they are all sort of Alison, because she's the only other person who's solved that Girl Dilemma, just in really fucked-up ways. Which she passed onto them, like a Professor of Grossness:
Alison was the one that helped Aria discover Byron's extracurriculars, breaking down the generational wall between child and parent in a way that can't be rebuilt and which Aria's still trying to climb and figure out.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Man, Lucy Hale is awesome. Just firing on all cylinders tonight, in another Buckley Dreamboat performance that's so dazzling it's almost enough to make you wish Aria Montgomery could find happiness.
...Almost.
Ella (hi!) brings in Aria's old babysitter -- now a famous New Yawk writer-lady and played by my beloved Alona Tal -- to demonstrate the possibility of a non-Rosewood existence, and hooks her up with Ezra in a way that manages to be slightly menacing. Of course all Aria can do is perseverate on this woman Simone and her age-appropriate wiles -- even though everywhere people are getting murdered and run over and A is still fucking up everybody's lives -- to the point where even Ezra has to roll his eyes.
Maya's phone has been reprogrammed, just like her mind -- oh, and FYI it turns out in a deleted scene that she had a history of drug use, which is why her hippy parents flipped so quick, if you were wondering -- but luckily Hanna has a heretofore unknown but strangely tense relationship with this bizarre slacker-hacker narc of the Quileute Tribe, and he's willing to adjust Emily's phone to get through the roadblocks. I don't know much technology, but it's all very hand-wavy and Zero Cool and leads to many excellent hacker conversations. Not so excellent is the convo with Maya, who is taking to her brand new cult like a duck to creepy, crazy water and sending Emily off the deep end.
Spencer's laptop with the Ian footage has gone missing, and only Ian could have taken it, so there's a lot of Thin Man, classic Spencer-stomping hardcore no-bullshit action for her. (Appropriately enough, Spencer is dressed like a thin man the entire time. Her outfits are getting to be like if Blair Waldorf's clothes had a baby with Scott Fitzgerald's clothes. It's so shocking and so very hot, but never fear: Aria's clothes still come out slightly ahead, with the usual brazen touches of mental illness.) She also crosses sneaky paths with Hanna's narc friend, so I guess he's here to stay. I just wish every boy on this show were played by Noel Kahn, and then we wouldn't have these problems. No: Every boy on every show. That would be pretty cool.
Everybody looks especially delightful this week -- even Ian, still doing his Sinister Julia Child routine -- which is nice because they're having a danceathon, like in Stars Hollow or the Dust Bowl days of olden times. It brings Ella and Byron together (she rocks their encounters hardcore, of course), but more importantly it's one of the most luxurious visuals I've ever seen on this show. You could watch this dance with nobody talking and still be getting your money's worth, so gorgeous is it. The lights, the projections, the music... It's how I've always wanted my birthday to look! But with way more molesters, obvs.
Not so nice for Hanna, anyhow, since she's having no luck finding a job at even the weirdest boutiques, and must rely on A's bizarre generosity one horrible soul-crushing task at a time. up: $200 a pop to dance with poor old stalker Lucas...
And that's when everything goes impressively bugshit.
Before you know it Emily's drunk as hell and bitching out Hanna for stringing Lucas along (like Ali did with her), bitching out Ian for killing everybody or whatever, Toby's unfair lo-jack, and stumbling around the place like a gorgeous zombie. Hanna's over here getting dumped by Sean and rescued by poor old sweet Lucas, who thinks this is a teen movie where she finally loves him, and not actually the disgusting prostitution that it is. Aria tries to eat Simone's face off and Spencer's stealing a dance with Ezra to keep Aria from embarrassing everybody, only to get pulled into dancing with Ian so he can threaten her with certain death if anybody finds out he molested her... I mean, it's intense. Annnd fabulous.
So back at Spencer's, Hanna agrees with Drunk Emily that she was acting horribly tonight --but doesn't explain about the cash money because we're not talking about Ashley's stealing thing -- and then finds Spencer's laptop randomly on the coffee table. Needless to say, the Ian video has been wiped... But there's a picture of Alison heading merrily to her death, with somebody following behind. And in the little thing at the end, and it's even creepier than normal, Ella smiles warmly at A as she hands over that leather jacket/gloves combo in coatcheck, because they totally know each other.
week: A finally detonates some landmines, leading to what looks like (but is probably in all fairness not) a full-on Girl War between the Liars.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Alison was the one that taught Hanna the worst possible way to get hot, using behavior mod techniques that would make Cesar Milan proud, to make her the Alison.
Alison outed Emily in the greediest possible way, tempting her out onto a limb and then jouncing it with all her might, and now that Maya's replaced Alison (maybe literally, somehow, if you keep an eye on those blonde wigs) and been taken away in turn Emily is basically nonfunctional, just like Ali would want.
Allison needled Spencer about Ian while sleeping with him, which turned the entire Hastings household radioactive and brought the Spencer/Melissa war to a deadly pitch that is still knocking out casualties left and right.
She even managed to get poor Jenna blinded, in a way that had to do with the parts of her own relationship with Jenna's brother we still don't entirely understand.
And what it comes down to is what both Caleb and Hanna were saying, in their different ways: Just because you have all the power in the world it doesn't make you feel any more powerful when you can't use it. The difference between oil or money and being a human commodity is that oil or money don't feel like shit about it. Ask any drug dealer the number one worst thing about their job and they'll tell you: I have all this money, and I can't spend any of it.
All Alison really did was show them just enough of the prisons they're in that they couldn't ignore it anymore. And then forgot to give them the key.