Mary Charity

The Novak. Mary Cherry is posing for Nicole, who is taking her picture for the yearbook. Okay, while there are lots of high schools that are small enough and cool enough to allow you to create and choose your own yearbook photo, that privilege is usually reserved for graduating seniors. Fair enough, though. This upcoming "hiatus" that Popular is taking for February sweeps indicates that we might not be seeing these kids through to their senior year, so they might as well try to cram in an entire high-school experience into the rest of the television season.

But then something happens that makes me think there might be hope for Popular yet. Mary Cherry is wearing an Ossie Clark jacket for her photo. She complains bitterly that the fringe weighs so much she's throwing her back out just extending her arm. An Ossie Clark reference is the coolest pop-culture reference yet. For those of you who don't know Ossie Clark, he was a swinging sixties designer who died too young to do ready-to-wear, license a perfume, or any of that other stuff that makes one an ubiquitous name brand. To own an Ossie Clark piece these days is like owning a Vermeer. Every time they profile a supermodel in Vogue, she's usually talking about her collection of vintage Ossie Clarks. Whoever decided to throw an Ossie reference into this episode has my undying respect.

Nicole takes a photo with her Polaroid, and neither of the girls can decide if the shot is "too spontaneous or too calculating." They decide to try another outfit, so Mary Cherry hits the button on a remote control, revealing a secret compartment in the Novak containing a bevy of designer outfits. They take some more shots until there's a knock on the door. It's Lily "Honesty is Sexy" Esposito, waiting to use the restroom. "I'm sorry," says Mary Cherry. "But the Anne Heche Society for the Sexually Confused is meeting in the cafeteria." Hee! At last someone finally remembers that Lily used to be on the fence, so to speak. MC closes the door on her and bemoans the fact that she'll never take a school picture that captures her devastating beauty. Nicole reminds her that these things take time.

There's another knock on the door. This time it's not Lily. It's a hunky U.S. Marshal, who informs Mary Cherry that he's been ordered by the court to seize all her assets. Mary Cherry informs the officer that there must be some mistake. "We have more money than God!" she tells him. Not so, according to the hunky U.S. Marshal. Cherry Cherry is bankrupt, and they're taking everything in order to pay off her debts. He sees her stash of designer outfits, and his fellow female Marshal who doesn't get any lines starts loading them up.

Mary Cherry pleads with Nicole to help her. Nicole ignores her and asks the U.S. Marshal when and where Mary Cherry's wardrobe will be auctioned off. Hee! "I will not stand here while you take my entire wardrobe!" shrieks Mary Cherry. The U.S. Marshal tells her that she's wearing a "cute top" and asks her if it's "vintage Patrizia Pepe." She screams -- presumably because she's just realized that his knowledge of fashion precludes an opportunity for her to work her feminine wiles on him.

Credits.

Okay, flash back to my recap of the season finale from last year when I complained about the improbability of Mary Cherry and Nicole running the yearbook. "In real life," I wrote, "the Nicoles and Mary Cherrys of this world never do yearbook. The Sams and Carmens of this world do yearbook." Who is sitting in Principal Calvin Krupps' office discussing their roles as co-editors of the Kennedy year book? Sam and Carmen. Thank you, thank you. No, no payment is necessary, just being right is its own reward.

Anyway, you'd think Carmen and Sam could just edit a damn yearbook without causing too much damage to the student body, but no. This year, Sam and Carmen are doing something about all the kids who are poor and have no self esteem. They're offering them makeovers so they'll feel better about having their pictures in the yearbook. Okay, I'm the first to admit here that I had no self-esteem in high school, but even I knew that letting She of the Thousand Hairstyles and her large-boned friend pick out an outfit and hairstyle for me was not the best idea in the world. Also, hello, you guys are editing the yearbook. Don't you think you ought to be doing layout or writing copy or something? ["Or being seniors? I didn't know underclassmen ran the yearbook." -- Sars]

Oh, and you may be asking yourself, why the hell are Sam and Carmen so concerned about those with low self-esteem all of a sudden? Apparently, the Camelot isn't selling that many copies as it usually does because no one puts their picture in it. This may be its last year. Sam and Carmen think they can boost sales by boosting students' self-esteem, because everyone who poses for a photo will buy a copy of the yearbook. Okay, what kind of stupid-ass high school is this where they have problems selling copies of the yearbook? I mean, yeah, my senior picture looked like I was constipated, but I bought the damn thing so my friends and I could sit around and make fun of everyone. Principal Krupps tells the girls that the school doesn't have enough money to fund something like that, but gives them a measly $20 for the cause.

Enter Sam and Carmen, discussing how to raise money for their self-esteem project. It is decided that they don't have much time for fundraising, so they'll have to get a Kennedy High student to bankroll it. Naturally their first thought is to hit up Mary Cherry, whom they pass at her locker. Carmen asks her why she's wearing a trash bag. Mary Cherry explains hobo chic to them. Sam tells MC about their plan to help the poor kids of Kennedy by making them over and giving them an assortment of outfits to choose from to wear while posing for their photo. She hits up Mary Cherry for access to her wardrobe. Because all her clothes have been seized, Mary Cherry pretends to have a problem with proletariat flesh rubbing up against her "pricy ensembles." Just then, Nicole walks by wearing Mary Cherry's Ossie Clark jacket. Only she ruins it by also wearing this big-ass black fedora that just dwarfs her whole body. "I paid $5,000 for that jacket," screams Mary Cherry. "Funny," says Nicole. "I paid $2.99." Hee! Mary Cherry storms off. Sam and Carmen, not realizing what's going on, work themselves up into a lather over the fact that Mary Cherry can spend $5,000 on a jacket, yet won't lend a single sweater to help out her less fortunate classmates. "What a selfishbitch," says Carmen, widening her eyes a little to indicate to Sam that she's just said the B word so she must really be mad.

The Novak. Mary Cherry removes her fake beard and mustache in the mirror. Lily comes up to her, announcing that she heard everything at the Novak door yesterday and knows that Mary Cherry is now destitute. "I don't know what you're talking about," says Mary Cherry. Her stomach rumbles. Lily asks her if she's hungry. MC tries to pass it off as gas from too many laxatives she's taking to get down to a size "negative four" in time for school picture. Hee! Lily tells her to drop the faade. "I come from a single-parent family," says Lily. "Believe me, I can relate." Actually, Lily, Mary Cherry is from a single-parent household herself, but up until now she's never been poor. Therefore, it is quite ignorant of you to display what you think is your street cred by identifying yourself as a product of a single-parent household when, as Mary Cherry can attest, such a situation doesn't always mean one is poor. Lily gives her four bucks for lunch and tells her to eat something. I can't imagine how crappy Mary Cherry must feel now that she's become one of Lily's projects. "I don't need your charity," says MC, stomping off pitifully in her Kleenex box slippers.

Well, it turns out that Brooke and Harrison are not going to obliterate their feelings of worthlessness with some help from a little chemistry. They're trying on goofy clothes at a vintage clothing shop. I guess vintage clothing is its own kind of heroin. Brooke asks Harrison how these old clothes will help her self-esteem. Harrison explains that his brush with death last year left him wanting nothing more than to have a little fun. Montage sequence follows of the two of them dressed like Sonny and Cher, then Harrison dressed as a farmer and Brooke with her hair back in a Britney Spears T-shirt. Madonna shout-out! Then he's in a Mao jacket and she's in a cowgirl outfit. Madonna shout-out number two. And finally dressed to the nines as some sort of couple from a glamorous screwball comedy from the thirties. Looks sort of like the costumes Madonna wore in the "Express Yourself" video, so I'm going to proclaim this Madonna shout-out number three. They groove in front of the mirror to "I Got You Babe," and Brooke starts looking at Harrison like he's the last Coca-Cola in the desert. Maybe they are on drugs.

Supermarket parking lot. Josh and Lily are on a hot date collecting cans. And not those kind of cans, either. They're collecting redeemables to prevent them from becoming landfill, and to raise money for the make-over project. This is Lily's idea, of course. Josh, God bless him, starts questioning the validity of this action. Lily goes off on how he doesn't really want to dig through trash in the name of charity. Josh is all "au contraire." He points out that poor people are always picking cans up and redeeming them to make money for food, and that Lily's environmentalism is actually making a dent in some homeless people's livelihood. "Shouldn't we be giving these cans to them?" asks Josh. Ha ha Lily! Take that and suck on it really hard!

Before Lily can think of something to say back to him, she peers over the rim of a dumpster and sees Mary Cherry rummaging around and gobbling up uneaten food. "Yeah," she says, blocking Josh from seeing Mary Cherry. "You're right." Josh is all, "I am?" He can hardly believe that he could get Lily McSoapbox off her high horse so soon in the episode. "Someone could really use those cans as money," says Lily loudly, for the benefit of Mary Cherry. "Someone could get a meal with them and have a little left over for a sweatshirt or something. Let's leave them here. We can figure out another way to help Sam and Carmen." Oh, like there are enough redeemable cans in the world to truly help Sam and Carmen.

The palace. Harrison and Brooke take pictures together. Harrison shows Brooke a picture that he still treasures of the two of them as kids. Little Harrison is trying to kiss toddler Brooke at his birthday party, and she turns to look at the camera and ruins the kiss. Of course, no one actually mentions how psycho it is of him to be carrying this thing around with him in case he gets a chance to whip it out in front of Brooke. And it's not even a wallet-sized photo either. It's practically an eight-by-ten. What does he do, carry it around in its very own *N Sync acid-free portfolio?

"You know what my mother calls this?" asks Harrison. "'The Immortal Rejection Captured on Film.'" Brooke laughs and thanks Harrison for making her have such a fun afternoon. She makes them recreate the pose with the timer. Only, surprise surprise, she doesn't reject him this time, so they kiss. Oh la la! Harrison is all, "Why didn't you reject me?" Brooke is all, "Because I realize this afternoon that I have feelings for you." Harrison gets all meek and Jon Cryer on her ass. Brooke explains to him that she wants to do the "right thing" and see the "right guy," and that Harrison is -- she just realized -- the "right thing." Harrison whines that he wanted to see her all last year, but she rejected him -- actually, if memory serves, they mutually agreed to end it because she was only in it for the power she had over him. He tells her that he accepted that he would never get her and moved on. Brooke is all, "I was wrong. Let's correct that." They agree to see each other on Friday. He gets up to leave, and she tells him to meet her at her locker so they can walk to class together. Harrison nervously agrees, and he leaves without getting any nookie or anything. Whatever. Read my last week's comments about the uncommon lack of sex drives among Kennedy males.