The Novak. Mary Cherry sobs hysterically while looking at herself in a hand mirror. Nicole enters, wearing the first in a serious of many chokers. I guess the neck is looking a little crepe-y this week. She calls Mary Cherry "Alice Cooper," and I have to confess I have no idea why. I mean, MC's not carrying a snake or anything. Turns out that Mary Cherry is upset because she can't figure out what to get Nicole for her birthday. "I tried getting you the presidency, but unfortunately you need a brother who's a governor!" Then there's this rattling sound on the soundtrack. Rattlesnake? Alice Cooper? Some editor really fucked up this scene, because I'm not seeing a snake or any reference to Alice Cooper to speak of. Nicole tells MC that she already has what Nicole needs. "The gift of friendship?" asks MC sweetly. "No," says Nicole. "Cash." MC whips out a huge wad of bills and presents them to Nicole. Nicole cheerfully accepts them, and they both go to the mirror to do some primping. MC asks Nicole how she has such a flawless complexion. Nicole replies that she inherited it from her mother, "the queen of Los Angeles society." How odd. I thought I'd seen every Popular ever aired, but it appears that I missed the episode where we found out that Nicole's mother is in fact Charles Nelson Reilly. "An identity such as mine can only be inherited," says Nicole triumphantly. Gee, do you suppose that we're on verge of finding out that all is not what it seems in regard to Nicole's family tree?
Before we can consider such a possibility, Harrison emerges from one of the stalls. Nicole and MC freak out that there's a man in the Novak. Oh, like there's never been one in there before. They ask him what the hell he's doing in the girl's lav. He replies that he can't pee in the boy's lav because it smells like "urine and boiled chicken." Without washing his hands, he starts applying lip balm alongside Nicole and MC and gives his eyebrows a smooth-over. MC comments that Joe "looks un-Joe-like." Harrison, exuding uncharacteristic confidence, adjusts something on Nicole's outfit and tells the ladies present that there's a new Harrison in town and walks off. The girls look confused. And slightly scared. 'Cause the last time some guy dressed well and exuded confidence, they had to fly across the country to foil his evil scheme.
And how cool is it that Nicole's birthday episode is aired one day before my own birthday? We could totally be twins. It could totally be possible. I mean, we're both in our thirties and have fair but flawless skin.
Credits.
Kennedy hallway. Brooke has just given Nicole her birthday present: an astrological reading for the two of them. Brooke is all into Nicole again because of what she did for Harrison. "When they read your stars it helps you flesh out your character traits," says Brooke. "A good chart reading can lead you to the person you were born to become." Nicole loves her gift and can't wait to hang with her best friend and find out what the stars say about her true self. Well, now either someone lit up a banana-kiwi-scented candle from Bath and Body Works, or I could swear to god I smell an adoption plotline a few miles north of here. Brooke reminds her that she'll need to bring along the exact time and location of her birth for an accurate reading. Nicole vows to ask her mom that very day after "one of her political teas." Oh psych, we're meeting Nicole's adoptive mom! I mean, her mom! Sorry, jumping ahead here. Wait, though. I didn't see any cool names in the guest-star section of the opening credits.
Chem class. Just before class starts, Josh and Lily make out and fondle each other so half-heartedly you'd think they were Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt finding out that Liz Smith had left the room. Sugar Daddy watches them for a moment and then looks away sadly. Carmen -- streaked, moussed, shoulder-padded, and swathed in fire-engine red -- makes a point of "squeezing" past them, because in addition to her awkward feelings at being around her ex-boyfriend making out with her best friend, she's so fat that she almost doesn't fit between the desk rows. Josh gets up and joins Sugar. Carmen takes his empty seat and sits to Lily, giving her a good ribbing over her display of good old-fashioned heterosexuality for the class. Sugar asks Josh if he can talk to him later...alone. Josh is all "sure…whatever." Sugar tells Josh that he feels ignored by him. Josh, ignoring Sugar, makes more google-y eyes at Lily.
Chem enters and tells the class about a stress fracture she got in her coccyx from her drive into work. Apparently, she was in a traffic accident which involved listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Radio show and a breakfast burrito. I guess I'd find it more funny if I lived in L.A. The upshot is that Chem has a wrathful plan (because every week, Chem has a wrathful plan), and she's going to make the Kennedy kids fix her car and make it look like a chemistry lesson.
"That's not going to happen, Claw!" says Harrison from the back of the room. Oh yeah, they're still calling her Claw. How lame! So Chem threatens to get all wrathful on his ass while Harrison explains that he was just battling something way scarier than Chem's wrath, and he's not falling for her "reign of irrational terror" anymore. Chem starts yelling and being all super-wacky, trying to make Harrison pipe down and do what he's told. Harrison points out to Chem that the State of California forbids commercial ventures in the classroom, and if she starts running a Midas at Kennedy, he'll gladly report her, and mock her at the Taco Bell where she'll end up after she loses her teaching job. Chem backs down. Harrison makes a fat joke at her expense, and the whole class bursts into applause. Carmen, who as you might recall is a fat girl herself, is a little wary of Harrison's new personality, but she claps along politely because, after all, thanks to him she doesn't have to figure out how to fix a carburetor this afternoon.
Kennedy Cafeteria. Sugar and Josh talk alone. Sugar has found out how to get a new Playstation 2. He's got the inside scoop from a salesman at the mall who's holding on to a few of them. Josh agrees to go with him to the mall after school to pick one up. Lily comes along and ruins their lunch. Sugar calls her Yoko under his breath.
Harrison enters, gives himself a spritz of Binaca, sits down at a table with George, Carmen, and Sam, and says something sassy. Carmen and Sam ask him what is up with this "new Harrison." No one asks Sam and Carmen what is up with their matching tops in identical shades of red and light-blue shimmering eye shadow, and if Harrison were really all that newly sassy, you'd think he'd point something like that out. Before he can answer, April Tuna approaches their table with a petition. Apparently, MTV is featuring her on some show about teen perspectives, and they want her to dress corporate and are threatening to leave her out of the show if she insists on wearing her Star Trek uniform. Okay, since when does MTV want anyone on camera dressing corporate since Robert Palmer disappeared? Sam takes her clipboard, vows to support her in her fight to express herself, and gives her a big thumbs-up for her activism. Harrison is all, "Don't encourage her, guys, it's bad enough she's a freak." He reminds her that she was elected to serve the student body, not to "go off and play Star Trek with Kurt Loder." April stomps off all hurt. Carmen gives Harrison a lecture about returning all the compassion that everyone showed him this past month. Harrison is all, "I just did that girl a favor." They both stomp off, leaving Sam and George alone at the table. Sam tells George she's got to go investigate what is up with Harrison. George whines that he'll have to eat alone. Sam tells George that he's too close to her group of friends, and he's "starting to be known as Sam's boyfriend." She tells him to start cultivating other friends now that football season is over and he's no longer the star quarterback. Football season is over? There was like, one game!
Harrison stands at this locker, looking in his mirror. Sam comes up behind him so they're both displayed in the mirror, and calls him Narcissus. Ooh! Classicism and pop culture! She wants to know why he's being such an "unholy bastard." Harrison argues that he's just taking charge of his life and becoming more assertive. Sam accuses Harrison of acting like Nicole. Harrison points out that Nicole gets results and accuses Sam of checking out his ass.
It's raining. Nicole gets into a car with her mother, who unfortunately is not fabulous at all. She's a bit of a mannish hag, who just happens to have an Accused 'do just like her daughter's. "She" accuses her daughter of looking like a raccoon and starts complaining about how Kitty Campbell's teas are no place for imperfection and how, as a candidate for the U.S. Senate, her whole life is being judged right now. Nicole is all, "Nice to see you too, Mom!" Mrs. Julian complains that the dress she's wearing is not formal enough and gives her a cardigan to put on over it since "Barbara Boxer is going to be there." As soon as Nicole puts the cardigan on, Mama Julian tells her it looks tight on her. "You should go back on your diet. No daughter of mine is going to wear a medium." Nicole ignores her and asks when the exact time of her birthday is. "5:17 a.m. at Cedars Sinai," says Mom. shout-out! Nicole points out that her dad said it was a natural childbirth with no doctors. "Don't believe a word that comes out of that cheating man's mouth," says Mama Nicole. "There's a reason for that restraining order."
Sugar waits for Josh in the rain. Josh shows up late. He apologizes, explaining that "me and Lily were Frenching!" Sugar is all, "I 911'ed you. Friends don't ignore pages like that." Josh is all, "Can't we do this later?" Sugar is all, "That's not the point." The Theme from A Man and a Woman starts playing on the soundtrack. "I can't do this anymore," says Sugar, proposing they spend time apart and walking off. "Did we just break up?" Josh says out loud to no one in particular.
Kennedy Hallway. Harrison signs Chem's cast. "Apology accepted," says Chem, exiting. Tuna enters and shows him her signatures. She tells him that his new "fascist persona" isn't going to suppress her individuality. "Your days of presidential perks are numbered," says Harrison in a sinister tone. Tuna walks away weeping. Mary Cherry, who has been listening secretly to the whole thing, is horrified at the monster her Joe has become.
Locker room. Josh and Sugar get dressed. Sugar ignores Josh, who exclaims "This is ridiculous." Sugar does the whole passive-aggressive "Did someone just say something?" thing. George enters with a book pressed up against his face called How to Win Guy Friends and Influence Guy People. He walks up to Sugar and asks him to come over to play with his new Playstation 2. Sugar accepts, much to Josh's discontent.
Empty classroom. Nicole attempts to jimmy a lock on a strongbox. Brooke keeps lookout for some reason and complains about having to be an accessory to a crime. Nicole keeps jimmying, saying that the fact that her mother has the strongbox so protected obviously means that she's got a secret inside it. "Maybe she had an affair with British royalty and you're a princess," says Brooke. "Or maybe she changed her name." Nicole opens the box and pulls out a piece of paper. "This has to be a mistake!"
Novak. Tuna is in a tizzy, saying that Harrison is challenging the results of the elections and that the West Palm Beach Exchange students' votes will dwarf the two percent that voted for Tuna. I'm sure that while the writers were writing this episode a few months ago, an Election 2000 joke seemed really timely, but now it's kinda not. Furthermore, since Harrison and Brooke pulled out of that election, no one should be able to dispute April's victory. "Why would he do this?" moans April. "Harrison is clearly going through an identity crisis," says Sam. "I wish we had answers for you."
"Well, Spam," says Mary Cherry, entering the Novak, "wishes do come true. I know exactly what's wrong with Joe." She explains that Harrison has turned into Nicole now that he's got her bone marrow. Now he's a "power-mad Gucci-clad lothario." Uh, I hate to ruin the party but Harrison has been wearing what looks like DKNY. This is Gucci. "He's possessed by the marrow of Nicole Julian," explains MC in her best hysterical outburst. Demian choral theme plays. Sam is unconvinced. Carmen listens, not wanting to rule anything out. Sam agrees to check it out and sends Lily, Mary Cherry, and Carmen to the computer lab to "do research" while she sends April Tuna to go buy deodorant. Sam vows to get to the bottom of this by examining the source, i.e. getting her hands on Nicole's medical records.
George and Sugar bond at lunch over their mutual love for Derek Jeter and Knight Rider. Sugar asks George why he sought out his friendship instead of Josh's. George explains that he prefers the company of Sugar because Josh is with Lily, and he gets "enough of that couple stuff with Sam." "You're your own man," says George. "I like that." In other words, "You have no life, Sugar. So I knew you wouldn't reject me if I tried to hang with you." They do all these male-bonding hand shakes, and then there's Josh watching them from his table where he sits alone. Just him and his growing mullet. The theme from A Man and a Woman plays again. What is up with A Man and a Woman for Sugar and George's theme (because this is not the last time we hear it played for George and Sugar)? The movie is about these two widowed people, Jean-Louis Trintignant and Anouk Aimee, who both have kids at the same boarding school. They meet while visiting their kids and fall in love. There's like no reason to reference this movie here, although I love the theme song (duh bah duh bah duh. duh bah duh bah duh.) because it's so creepy in a late-sixties, early-seventies way. It always reminds me of some eight-year-old boy sitting in a Cleveland airport lounge by himself in 1974 while his father is off somewhere, trying to pick up a TWA stewardess.
Brooke and Nicole sit on some steps while Nicole freaks out about being adopted, although they're still not telling us the audience that she's adopted. They keep trying to build the suspense, as if we hadn't gathered the truth from the promos and the preview write-ups in publications like TV Guide and the like. We know already. Stop insulting our intelligence and just cut to the chase. "I can't believe this," says Nicole. "All these years I've been living a lie." Brooke comforts her, promising her some tea because "the cafeteria is still open." Oh, excuse me, like any high-school cafeteria ever has tea -- like it's a college cafeteria or something and you can just pop over in your nightgown and grab yourselves a couple of mugs of tea and tell Mrs. Garrett all about how you're thinking of cheating on a test or going to second with some guy. "I'm here for you, Nic," says Brooke, exiting.
As soon as Brooke exits, Sam enters. Nicole folds up her adoption papers. Oh wait, I mean "the paper she's staring at that has just informed her that her life has been a lie, although we the viewers have no idea what could possibly be upsetting Nicole so much." She warns Sam that she's not up for any of her "whiny lectures." Sam explains that she needs another favor. She needs to see Nicole's medical records. "As if sucking the literal marrow out of my bones wasn't enough," says Nicole. Heh! She mutters to herself something about finding her medical records being easier said than done, and asks Sam if Harrison is sick again. Sam replies that Harrison is fine physically, but he's acting weird -- although she can't really find the appropriate words to tell Nicole that he's acting like her. "Pretend I'm George, Spam, and spit it out," says Nicole. Sam tells Nicole about their theory that Harrison has taken on Nicole's personality now that he has her bone marrow. Nicole wants to Sam to describe Nicole and explain what "acting like Nicole" means. "A cold-hearted bitch?" asks Nicole. "Tell me! You can't, can you? Do you want to know why? Because you don't know exactly who I am! Nobody does. Including me." She exits, shoving her adoption papers -- I mean, "those sheets of paper that upset her so much that we don't know anything about" -- into her hulking lunchbox-shaped purse.
Back at the computer lab, Lily, Mary Cherry, and Carmen have unearthed proof that Mary Cherry was right and that Harrison has something called Graft vs. Host disease, where the stronger DNA of the marrow donor will fight the weaker donor into submission. "We just have to accept the fact that Harrison has Nicole inside of him forever," says Lily. Sam gives a doubtful inward sneer. The opening chords of "Barracuda" start to kick in. "I got two words for y'all!" says Mary Cherry, her voice getting louder and more hysterical. "Exor. Cism." All of a sudden, with "Barracuda" still on in the background, they cut to Harrison entering Kennedy from outside and doing a Nicole-style fashion walk down the hall wearing a pair of Gucci orange-tinted sunglasses, Gucci loafers, and an outfit made entirely of man-made fibers. As he goes down the hall, he checks out all the plain ladies at their lockers who are all in his thrall. One of them beckons, and before Harrison can make out with her, Mary Cherry comes up from behind her, throws her aside, and gets Harrison to come with her to help her roll a dead body in the Novak. As she escorts him to the Novak, she makes secret signals to Carmen, Lily, and then Sam, who join the convoy. When they reach the Novak, they begin to tie Harrison up while Mary Cherry, genius that she is, lip-synchs "Barracuda," which is still playing.
When Harrison is fully trussed, the girls guard him and check out a copy of Exorcism for Dingbats while he complains about what the rope burns are doing to his Tom Ford-designed (or so they tell us) clothes. Sam explains to him that he's the victim of a medical syndrome and he's got a little Nicole inside of him. And can I just say that each and every time they say that there's "Nicole in him" -- which they do a lot -- I involuntarily envision Nicole doing Harrison with a strap-on, because I'm still in junior high. "Really?" asks Harrison. "So endless cool must be out of reach of little old nerdy Harrison, is that what you're saying?" The girls are all "noooooooo" and Carmen talks about how all they want is "the old Harrison back." Carmen, don't you have some pregnant cheerleading to do or something? Harrison tells them that their attempts to reach the old Harrison are "like Lily's incessant crusading, pointless." Lily's jaw drops. "And FYI, midget," he continues. "After years of hearing you crusade against jock culture, it's nice to see you betray your deep-seated convictions for nothing more than a nice set of abs and porn-star hair!" Hee! He starts to taunt Carmen as well, but Sam interrupts them. Dude, I like the new Harrison. Stop the exorcism now!
So Mary Cherry begins. She slaps Harrison a few times and starts chanting that whole "the power of Christ compels you" thing from The Exorcist. Then she makes Lily and Carmen join in while Harrison speaks Latin, speaks backwards, and says the time-honored favorite, "Your mother sucks rocks in Hell!" All the while, Sam sits by herself, not having any of it. Mary Cherry calls Father Godfrey, because now that Harrison is speaking in tongues, it's time to get a professional.
Sugar Daddy and George walk down the hall together, reminiscing about last night's Playstation session. Theme From A Man and a Woman plays some more. Josh comes up to them and asks if he can join them sometime for a little Playstation. George is all, "Sorry, man, I only got two controllers!" Then he and SD walk away, leaving Josh a complete pile of ash. What was Chem saying last week about getting syphilis from sharing joysticks?
The Palace. Nicole wears a wine-colored top with cut-outs along the upper arms and a matching choker. She also has this really sad expression on her overly blushed face that makes her look like one of those shiny harlequin pincushions. Brooke hangs up the phone and tells Nicole what she just learned: that the Fontana County Court House doesn't release adoption records to the public. Upon her saying "adoption," the synthesizer swells. Oh! Adoption! So that was what that piece of paper was all about. Oh God, I never saw that coming! Brooke pleads with Nicole to ask her mother who her real mother is. Nicole vows to outwit her mother by driving to Fontana herself and breaking in. She asks Brooke how Sam found "Peggy Lipton" McQueen. Brooke points out that Sam had a lot more to go on -- such as a name, for starters -- and nags Nicole to go home and ask her mother who her mother is. "You know when Sam found my mom, it was chaos," says Brooke. "But in the end, Nic, I was so thankful because I dealt with it and I moved on and that is exactly what you need to do." Nicole is all "easier said than done." Brooke tells Nicole that if she asks her mother who her birth mother is, she'll drive with her to Fontana to track her down.
Back in the Novak, Harrison growls incoherently while the girls try to keep him in line with the toilet plunger. "Is someone here possessed?" says Godfrey, entering the Novak in his priest garb. Okay, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that we haven't seen Godfrey since last season's season finale and he's still got the same job he had back then. Wasn't the whole point of Godfrey that he always had a different job? Nevertheless, I'm glad he's back. Sam is all, "Mary Cherry, why did you hire him?" Mary Cherry tells Sam that he was the only exorcist listed in the Yellow Pages. Godfrey tries holy water -- or, rather, some Evian he blessed out in the parking lot. He flicks some at Harrison and Harrison projectile vomits back. Sam has an idea. She orders everyone out of the Novak and confronts Harrison one-on-one.
The locker room. Josh enters and finds George emerging from the shower, his giant man-boobs a-glistening with moisture. Josh tells George to stay away from his bitch -- I mean, his best friend, Sugar Daddy. George is all, "Best friends don't take each other for granted." This prompts a Jenny Jones-esque fight about who knows and loves Sugar the most. George wins by revealing that Sugar will be at his house tonight, playing with his Playstation.
Nicole confronts her mother about the adoption. Mrs. Julian explains that she was only trying to protect Nicole. Nicole tells her mother that she can forgive her for making her feel "inadequate and ugly," but she will never forgive her for not telling her who she really is. Mama Nicole explains that she never wanted to tell Nicole that she's the daughter of a "knocked-up sixteen-year-old cheerleader" who gave birth to her in a "Fontana greasy spoon." Nicole still wants to know the woman's name. Mrs. Julian refuses, explaining that the press would find out and spin it into a tabloid tale of marital infidelity. Then there's some more dialogue that doesn't really make sense about Mr. Julian threatening to leave the family if Mrs. Julian didn't do something. I guess that something was to adopt Nicole, but they don't go into the reasons why. I suppose it was his baby or something? Nicole points out that her father left anyway. "I want her name," says Nicole. "Why?" asks Mrs. Julian amidst the tender piano chords. "So you can leave me too?" Oh please, Mr. Julian never left -- he just put on a Lane Bryant outfit and pretended to be Mrs. Julian. Finally, Mrs. Julian relents, telling Nicole that her mother's name is Shaggy Louise Grout, and tenderly gives her a piece of paper with more information on it which just happens to be lying on the very top of her desk. Nicole leaves for Fontana.
Nicole and Brooke arrive at the appointed address and discover, to Nicole's horror, that it's a trailer, and a somewhat gnarly-looking trailer at that. Now can I just interject there that, as a child, my dream was to live in a trailer? You know how you have those wishes when you're a kid that, when you grow up, make no sense at all. Like, I also wanted to be black as well. My six-year-old self just thought it would be so romantic to be a part of this big demonstrative church-going family who went down to Selma, Alabama a lot to demonstrate against Whitey. I told this recently to a black friend of mine and he was like, "Oh yeah, it's great being stopped by the police all the time and never being able to get cabs." My trailer-park dream was just like that. I just thought it would be so great to live inside of something you could also drive around. I also liked the coziness of it -- it would be like a return to the womb. Unfortunately my father wasn't too keen on the idea, because there weren't any trailer parks in the greater Boston area, and apparently moving to rural Virginia would have interfered with his job as a biochemist at the Harvard School of Public Health. I tried to lobby my mom, but she wouldn't back me up, mumbling something about the inferior school systems in places like Appalachia. So anyway, Nicole wants to leave without introducing herself because she fears her mother will be Roseanne, but Brooke persuades her to stay and gain some closure.
Kennedy hallway. George opens his locker to find a mix tape made just for him by Sugar Daddy entitled "Best Buds Mix," and a crazy stalker collage made up of pictures of both of them. On closer inspection, one of the photos actually contains a shot of George bent facedown over a surface with Sugar on top of him. I hope there were condoms being used, boys. Remember that play Chem forced you to be in last week?
When Sugar and George run into each other in the caf, Sugar has tickets for the two of them to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. George tells Sugar he can't go, because he's already going with Sam. Sugar moans about not having anything to do on Friday night. George tells Sugar that he needs a break, and that he's hanging out with Sam all weekend. Sugar is all, "What about what we have?" George is all, "We just hanging out here, okay?" Sugar isn't happy with that answer, and George tells him that he feels smothered and he doesn't like having to choose between his bud and his girlfriend. He walks off, and we see Josh leaning against the wall, eavesdropping.
Back in the Novak, Sam tells Harrison that she's onto him. A lot of these Latin expressions he's been using in order to speak in tongues can be found on a dollar bill. She vows to stop being friends with him unless he drops the act. Harrison calms down and begs Sam to stay, and it turns out that all he wanted was a little attention, and people only noticed him once he started acting like a male Nicole. He apologizes. What a lame resolution to that whole plot -- and furthermore, didn't Harrison just get a buttload of attention recently with the whole leukemia thing? Sam unties him and goes to find the girls to tell them that "the demon is begone."
Sugar sits in study hall. All of a sudden, everyone realizes that someone is outside, blasting Air Supply's "I'm All Outta Love." Sugar looks out the window and there's Josh, holding up a boom box a la John Cusack in Say Anything. They talk, and Josh apologizes for taking Sugar for granted. To further the Cameron Crowe reference, Josh tells Sugar that he "completes [him]." Sugar is all, "You had me at 'yo.'" They vow never to fight again.
Brooke and Nicole sit on the steps of her birthmother's trailer, trying to summon the courage to knock. Finally, someone comes to the door anyway. It's a man in drag -- a different man in drag besides Mrs. Julian, that is. She thinks they're Girl Scouts and starts ordering them off her property. "Do I look like I need Thin Mints?" she says. Nicole asks "her" if she's Shaggy Louise Grout. Trailer-Queen replies that she bought this trailer at Shaggy Louise's estate sale. Apparently Shaggy died last year, and Trailer-Queen never met her. Nicole cries over the fact that it's too late to meet her real mom. "Sometimes closure doesn't mean you get all the answers," says Brooke, trying to comfort her.