The Novak. Mary Cherry is posing for Nicole, who is taking her picture for the yearbook. Okay, while there are lots of high schools that are small enough and cool enough to allow you to create and choose your own yearbook photo, that privilege is usually reserved for graduating seniors. Fair enough, though. This upcoming "hiatus" that Popular is taking for February sweeps indicates that we might not be seeing these kids through to their senior year, so they might as well try to cram in an entire high-school experience into the rest of the television season.
But then something happens that makes me think there might be hope for Popular yet. Mary Cherry is wearing an Ossie Clark jacket for her photo. She complains bitterly that the fringe weighs so much she's throwing her back out just extending her arm. An Ossie Clark reference is the coolest pop-culture reference yet. For those of you who don't know Ossie Clark, he was a swinging sixties designer who died too young to do ready-to-wear, license a perfume, or any of that other stuff that makes one an ubiquitous name brand. To own an Ossie Clark piece these days is like owning a Vermeer. Every time they profile a supermodel in Vogue, she's usually talking about her collection of vintage Ossie Clarks. Whoever decided to throw an Ossie reference into this episode has my undying respect.
Nicole takes a photo with her Polaroid, and neither of the girls can decide if the shot is "too spontaneous or too calculating." They decide to try another outfit, so Mary Cherry hits the button on a remote control, revealing a secret compartment in the Novak containing a bevy of designer outfits. They take some more shots until there's a knock on the door. It's Lily "Honesty is Sexy" Esposito, waiting to use the restroom. "I'm sorry," says Mary Cherry. "But the Anne Heche Society for the Sexually Confused is meeting in the cafeteria." Hee! At last someone finally remembers that Lily used to be on the fence, so to speak. MC closes the door on her and bemoans the fact that she'll never take a school picture that captures her devastating beauty. Nicole reminds her that these things take time.
There's another knock on the door. This time it's not Lily. It's a hunky U.S. Marshal, who informs Mary Cherry that he's been ordered by the court to seize all her assets. Mary Cherry informs the officer that there must be some mistake. "We have more money than God!" she tells him. Not so, according to the hunky U.S. Marshal. Cherry Cherry is bankrupt, and they're taking everything in order to pay off her debts. He sees her stash of designer outfits, and his fellow female Marshal who doesn't get any lines starts loading them up.
Mary Cherry pleads with Nicole to help her. Nicole ignores her and asks the U.S. Marshal when and where Mary Cherry's wardrobe will be auctioned off. Hee! "I will not stand here while you take my entire wardrobe!" shrieks Mary Cherry. The U.S. Marshal tells her that she's wearing a "cute top" and asks her if it's "vintage Patrizia Pepe." She screams -- presumably because she's just realized that his knowledge of fashion precludes an opportunity for her to work her feminine wiles on him.
Credits.
Okay, flash back to my recap of the season finale from last year when I complained about the improbability of Mary Cherry and Nicole running the yearbook. "In real life," I wrote, "the Nicoles and Mary Cherrys of this world never do yearbook. The Sams and Carmens of this world do yearbook." Who is sitting in Principal Calvin Krupps' office discussing their roles as co-editors of the Kennedy year book? Sam and Carmen. Thank you, thank you. No, no payment is necessary, just being right is its own reward.
Anyway, you'd think Carmen and Sam could just edit a damn yearbook without causing too much damage to the student body, but no. This year, Sam and Carmen are doing something about all the kids who are poor and have no self esteem. They're offering them makeovers so they'll feel better about having their pictures in the yearbook. Okay, I'm the first to admit here that I had no self-esteem in high school, but even I knew that letting She of the Thousand Hairstyles and her large-boned friend pick out an outfit and hairstyle for me was not the best idea in the world. Also, hello, you guys are editing the yearbook. Don't you think you ought to be doing layout or writing copy or something? ["Or being seniors? I didn't know underclassmen ran the yearbook." -- Sars]
Oh, and you may be asking yourself, why the hell are Sam and Carmen so concerned about those with low self-esteem all of a sudden? Apparently, the Camelot isn't selling that many copies as it usually does because no one puts their picture in it. This may be its last year. Sam and Carmen think they can boost sales by boosting students' self-esteem, because everyone who poses for a photo will buy a copy of the yearbook. Okay, what kind of stupid-ass high school is this where they have problems selling copies of the yearbook? I mean, yeah, my senior picture looked like I was constipated, but I bought the damn thing so my friends and I could sit around and make fun of everyone. Principal Krupps tells the girls that the school doesn't have enough money to fund something like that, but gives them a measly $20 for the cause.
Kennedy Hall. Brooke is at her locker. Harrison comes up to her with a picture that Nurse Dan took of the two of them with Clarence. God, I wish I could remember who this Clarence guy is. I'm racking my brain, but I can't put a face to the name. Brooke looks at the photo and goes into a fugue state. She's horrified at how bad she looks. Harrison points out that it was taken while she was being hospitalized for an eating disorder. Okay, I know that eating disorders don't always manifest themselves physically but once and for all, writers, what was supposed to be Brooke's problem when she was in the eating-disorder clinic? Was she eating too many Cheetos and therefore too fat? Or was she purging and therefore too thin? She was the same weight she always was all throughout this so-called relapse, so what is it that Brooke is grossed out about in this photo?
Harrison tries to get her to look forward to her junior-year picture being taken that week, telling her that she'll look beautiful then. He reminds her how gorgeous she looked in her picture last year. Brooke tells Harrison that to get ready for her picture last year, she only ate a single apple for the entire week beforehand. Oh, yeah, no big deal or anything. While there were episodes last year spoofing eating disorders and so forth, Brooke was actively suffering from an eating disorder, and the writers decided to inform us now? During that whole eating-disorder-relapse plot line a couple of months ago, they couldn't have at least laid the groundwork for this episode by having her mention that she was starving herself last year too or something? Anyway, Brooke tells Harrison as she stomps toward her class that she simply can't go back to "that place," and that she intends not to pose for a picture this year. Harrison stops her and tells her he knows something they could do together that would take the edge off of posing for school photos. Does it involve massive drug use? Because if so, I'd be so down with that. Like, finally these kids are doing something interesting and dangerous.
Anyway, Harrison explains that she was there for him in a major way when they were both in the hospital, so he'd like to help her through something. As they make plans to meet after school, Brooke looks horrified at something. Harrison looks behind him and sees Mary Cherry shuffling down the hall with Kleenex-box slippers and a trash bag. She gamely tries to pass off her outfit as the latest in "hobo chic" by penciling a beard and mustache on her face, carrying a stick with a kerchief on the end of it, and topping it all off with an empty bucket of chicken as a cunning hat. Can you say "stealing old Lucy plots," and not in a good ironic way either?
Enter Sam and Carmen, discussing how to raise money for their self-esteem project. It is decided that they don't have much time for fundraising, so they'll have to get a Kennedy High student to bankroll it. Naturally their first thought is to hit up Mary Cherry, whom they pass at her locker. Carmen asks her why she's wearing a trash bag. Mary Cherry explains hobo chic to them. Sam tells MC about their plan to help the poor kids of Kennedy by making them over and giving them an assortment of outfits to choose from to wear while posing for their photo. She hits up Mary Cherry for access to her wardrobe. Because all her clothes have been seized, Mary Cherry pretends to have a problem with proletariat flesh rubbing up against her "pricy ensembles." Just then, Nicole walks by wearing Mary Cherry's Ossie Clark jacket. Only she ruins it by also wearing this big-ass black fedora that just dwarfs her whole body. "I paid $5,000 for that jacket," screams Mary Cherry. "Funny," says Nicole. "I paid $2.99." Hee! Mary Cherry storms off. Sam and Carmen, not realizing what's going on, work themselves up into a lather over the fact that Mary Cherry can spend $5,000 on a jacket, yet won't lend a single sweater to help out her less fortunate classmates. "What a selfish…bitch," says Carmen, widening her eyes a little to indicate to Sam that she's just said the B word so she must really be mad.
The Novak. Mary Cherry removes her fake beard and mustache in the mirror. Lily comes up to her, announcing that she heard everything at the Novak door yesterday and knows that Mary Cherry is now destitute. "I don't know what you're talking about," says Mary Cherry. Her stomach rumbles. Lily asks her if she's hungry. MC tries to pass it off as gas from too many laxatives she's taking to get down to a size "negative four" in time for school picture. Hee! Lily tells her to drop the façade. "I come from a single-parent family," says Lily. "Believe me, I can relate." Actually, Lily, Mary Cherry is from a single-parent household herself, but up until now she's never been poor. Therefore, it is quite ignorant of you to display what you think is your street cred by identifying yourself as a product of a single-parent household when, as Mary Cherry can attest, such a situation doesn't always mean one is poor. Lily gives her four bucks for lunch and tells her to eat something. I can't imagine how crappy Mary Cherry must feel now that she's become one of Lily's projects. "I don't need your charity," says MC, stomping off pitifully in her Kleenex box slippers.
Well, it turns out that Brooke and Harrison are not going to obliterate their feelings of worthlessness with some help from a little chemistry. They're trying on goofy clothes at a vintage clothing shop. I guess vintage clothing is its own kind of heroin. Brooke asks Harrison how these old clothes will help her self-esteem. Harrison explains that his brush with death last year left him wanting nothing more than to have a little fun. Montage sequence follows of the two of them dressed like Sonny and Cher, then Harrison dressed as a farmer and Brooke with her hair back in a Britney Spears T-shirt. Madonna shout-out! Then he's in a Mao jacket and she's in a cowgirl outfit. Madonna shout-out number two. And finally dressed to the nines as some sort of couple from a glamorous screwball comedy from the thirties. Looks sort of like the costumes Madonna wore in the "Express Yourself" video, so I'm going to proclaim this Madonna shout-out number three. They groove in front of the mirror to "I Got You Babe," and Brooke starts looking at Harrison like he's the last Coca-Cola in the desert. Maybe they are on drugs.
Supermarket parking lot. Josh and Lily are on a hot date collecting cans. And not those kind of cans, either. They're collecting redeemables to prevent them from becoming landfill, and to raise money for the make-over project. This is Lily's idea, of course. Josh, God bless him, starts questioning the validity of this action. Lily goes off on how he doesn't really want to dig through trash in the name of charity. Josh is all "au contraire." He points out that poor people are always picking cans up and redeeming them to make money for food, and that Lily's environmentalism is actually making a dent in some homeless people's livelihood. "Shouldn't we be giving these cans to them?" asks Josh. Ha ha Lily! Take that and suck on it really hard!
Before Lily can think of something to say back to him, she peers over the rim of a dumpster and sees Mary Cherry rummaging around and gobbling up uneaten food. "Yeah," she says, blocking Josh from seeing Mary Cherry. "You're right." Josh is all, "I am?" He can hardly believe that he could get Lily McSoapbox off her high horse so soon in the episode. "Someone could really use those cans as money," says Lily loudly, for the benefit of Mary Cherry. "Someone could get a meal with them and have a little left over for a sweatshirt or something. Let's leave them here. We can figure out another way to help Sam and Carmen." Oh, like there are enough redeemable cans in the world to truly help Sam and Carmen.
The palace. Harrison and Brooke take pictures together. Harrison shows Brooke a picture that he still treasures of the two of them as kids. Little Harrison is trying to kiss toddler Brooke at his birthday party, and she turns to look at the camera and ruins the kiss. Of course, no one actually mentions how psycho it is of him to be carrying this thing around with him in case he gets a chance to whip it out in front of Brooke. And it's not even a wallet-sized photo either. It's practically an eight-by-ten. What does he do, carry it around in its very own *N Sync acid-free portfolio?
"You know what my mother calls this?" asks Harrison. "'The Immortal Rejection Captured on Film.'" Brooke laughs and thanks Harrison for making her have such a fun afternoon. She makes them recreate the pose with the timer. Only, surprise surprise, she doesn't reject him this time, so they kiss. Oh la la! Harrison is all, "Why didn't you reject me?" Brooke is all, "Because I realize this afternoon that I have feelings for you." Harrison gets all meek and Jon Cryer on her ass. Brooke explains to him that she wants to do the "right thing" and see the "right guy," and that Harrison is -- she just realized -- the "right thing." Harrison whines that he wanted to see her all last year, but she rejected him -- actually, if memory serves, they mutually agreed to end it because she was only in it for the power she had over him. He tells her that he accepted that he would never get her and moved on. Brooke is all, "I was wrong. Let's correct that." They agree to see each other on Friday. He gets up to leave, and she tells him to meet her at her locker so they can walk to class together. Harrison nervously agrees, and he leaves without getting any nookie or anything. Whatever. Read my last week's comments about the uncommon lack of sex drives among Kennedy males.
Kennedy hallway the day. Sam and Carmen have set up a table with a placard on it that reads in huge letters, "Free Make-Overs for the Poor." They try to entice various students to submit to a charity make-over; predictably, no one is interested, because no one wants to be a charity case. Of course, this doesn't occur to either Sam and Carmen that this could be a problem until Lily comes by and enlightens them -- and donates a pashmina shawl to the cause.
Then Lily walks into the Novak, which turns out to be flooded with cans. "L'il Lily, you lied to me!" shrieks Mary Cherry, explaining that stores like "Neimans, Saks and even the Gap" refused to accept her cans for in store credit. Lily explains that the cans need to be redeemed at a recycling center. "Why is poverty so complicated?" asks Mary Cherry. Lily asks her what happened to all her money. Mary Cherry explains that the government seized all their assets, and her mom is away on business and left her to fend for herself. Lily promises to help her, but only if she agrees to never wear fur again, even if she gets her money back. "Well," says Mary Cherry. "You drive a hard bargain, tiny dancer. But if those are your conditions, I will live pelt-free." The lights dim and the red walls of the Novak grow brighter like the fires set by Sherman's troops in Gone With The Wind -- which this scene is a parody of, by the way. "I swear by the red earth of Tara," she continues. "As God is my witness, I will never wear sable again." "Why can't you just say 'okay,' like a normal person?" whines L'il Lily. Heh!
Harrison and Brooke do comedy over their first "walk to class" and how new and weird it is. Then they do their first lunch together, and there's more comedy but not quite as cute. Brooke picks out the exact same foods as Harrison so she can let go and not worry about choosing the right foods to eat. Harrison is a bit creeped out at being responsible for Brooke's dietary habits.
At a cafeteria table, Sam and Carmen brainstorm and try to come up with a new plan to have their charity makeovers catch on. Sam suggests that they make over a freak who happens to occupy a prominent position at Kennedy. That way, everyone will see what magic Sam and Carmen have worked and want an anti-freak makeover of their very own. Okay, they didn't use the word "freak," but that's what they meant, because they choose April Tuna as their victim.
At another cafeteria table, Lily sits down with Mary Cherry, who has finally gotten herself a T-shirt so she doesn't have to wear a garbage bag anymore. She also has an enormous plate of food. Hey, this scene doesn't even have Carmen in it. What gives? "Being poor was the worst day of my life," exclaims Mary Cherry. Lily explains to her that she's poor again now that she's spent her can money on food and MAC cosmetics. She's going to have to rustle up some more money all over again tomorrow. "I cannot continue to be poor under these miserable conditions!" shrieks Mary Cherry. "It's easier when you don't have a choice," says Lily.
Just then, Nicole walks by in another outfit of Mary Cherry's, which only makes her feel worse. Lily tells Mary Cherry that if she doesn't want to collect cans and bottles, she might want to get a job. And you are speaking from what experience yourself, Ms. "One Week At Mr. Cluck's" Esposito? Mary Cherry laughs until the tears come.
The palace. Oh, great. Va-Jane-Ah's back. I guess they have to throw her some lines every so often, so this week they have her give April Tuna a brow wax. Since when did Jane become known high and low as a great cosmetologist? They've given April a pashmina shawl to wear, and they do some comedy about how over the pashmina craze is. Then they do some comedy involving the pain of April's brow wax. April goes to the mirror and likes the way she looks and moans ecstatically about how she feels hot for the first time in her life. Actually, April, you were made over last season by Nicole and Mary Cherry, and you looked the same then as you do now, so drop the act. Oh wait, she mentions last year's make-over, but explains that this year it's different because the Glamazons who made her over last year were only going it to win a bet, whereas Jane, Carmen, and Sam are making her over out of true friendship. This concerns Sam, since their make-over of April Tuna has nothing to do with friendship. Stop worrying, Sam, your hair looks decent in this scene. Va-Jane-Ah gives Sam the stink-eye.
Before a confrontation can start, Brooke appears at the head of the stairs and beckons for Sam to join her. She hands her a pashmina shawl as her donation to the cause -- hee! -- and praises Sam's good deeds. She compares what Sam is doing to April Tuna to what Harrison is doing to herself. Evidently Harrison is making Brooke over, so to speak, with his love. Sam is freaked to discover that Brooke and Harrison are dating, but gives her blessing anyway. Brooke is so happy that Sam approves. They hug, but over Brooke's shoulder you can see the gears turning in Sam's Kabuki-painted forehead. "For the first time in months I am looking forward to something," says Brooke, with the desperation of a crack whore.
Kennedy Cafeteria the day. Mary Cherry has a job. She's a lunch lady. More comedy. Lily gets some grub served to her by Mary Cherry, who complains to her bitterly about having such an embarrassing job. Like she couldn't have gotten something off-campus at a Starbucks or something? Lily tells her to just be grateful with this recession coming on and all. I'd like to remind everyone in this scene that you might not have a steady job in TV much longer, so be very grateful for the here and now. Nicole comes along in another of Mary Cherry's outfits and asks for a Sloppy Joe, telling her to quit trying to talk to her lest she been seen "gabbing with the help." Mary Cherry throws a tray of Sloppy Joe filling at Nicole and loses her job.
Meanwhile, Harrison and Josh bump into each other on their way to Sam and Carmen's charity make-over clothing drive. Josh congratulates him sincerely on landing Brooke. They both whip out lots of pashmina shawls their mothers gave them and hand them over to Sam and Carmen. Hee! Harrison asks Josh if he's sure he's not uncomfortable with it. Josh tells Harrison that he's "happy in Lily Land" and thinks that after all Harrison has "been through," he could use a little happiness. Sam echoes those sentiments. "You never settled," says Sam to Harrison. "You held out for the one person you truly loved." "I'm on top of the world," says Harrison unenthusiastically. He invites Sam to hang with both of them. Sam declines. More broody Harrison looks.
Carmen counts a total of 250 pashmina shawls, and she and Sam huddle, trying to figure out what to do with them. Just then April enters, all her loser friends in tow, asking Sam and Carmen if they all can have make-overs too. And you can tell they're losers because they all have expressions like they've just been bashed in the heads with frying pans, and a good majority of them wear glasses. April Tuna asks Sam and Carmen, her two new best friends, if they want to hang later. Sam agrees, but says "Oy" under her breath.
Lily enters the cafeteria at the end of the day. Mary Cherry is sitting behind the empty counter, playing the harmonica and lamenting being poor. "My life cannot get any worse," she shrieks. Lily is all, "Actually, it could."
When I was really little, I had this -door neighbor my age named Daniel Farman. His father had business in Singapore, and Daniel would explain in his five-year-old pronunciation that his father was away seeing the poor. I thought that there was a whole country of poor people that Daniel Farman's father went to visit. Like maybe he brought cans of food, or simply walked among them and held out his hands for the suffering masses to touch.
How odd that I would one day find that the land Seeing-The-Poor that started out as a figment of my imagination actually exists. Lily brings Mary Cherry there. It's a bad section of town where "po' folk" gather around fires in trash cans, even though it's never less than sixty degrees in California. Dylan used to come to this very section of town to buy heroin. White children with dirty faces huddle for warmth against their mothers. "Who are these people?" asks Mary Cherry, her accent gone momentarily. "You wouldn't know them," says Lily. "They don't have a place to live." "I didn't know that places like this existed," says a still-accentless Mary Cherry. "And I'm ashamed I didn't know. Could something like this happen to me?" "It could happen to almost anyone," says Lily the walking PSA. A truly freaked-out Mary Cherry is invited to crash with the Espositos until Cherry Cherry comes back to town. Memo to writers: Please don't make Mary Cherry into a human being ever again? Thanks!
Brooke and Harrison try on more ugly clothes in Brooke's room. Mike eavesdrops on them and smiles to himself, so glad that Brooke seems happy for once.
Meanwhile, downstairs, there are hordes of losers in the palace kitchen, and Sam, Jane, and Carmen are making 'em over as fast as they can. It's a veritable make-over factory. Fortunately, these girls are all pretty without their glasses. I guess Kennedy doesn't have any truly ugly students. If you can see without having to wear glasses and you go to Kennedy, you're a hottie by default. Mike comes in and asks Sam to go upstairs and take Brooke and Harrison's picture. He wants to get Brooke's happiness on film, and wants Sam to do it because she's such a great photographer. Oh, please let that be the last we see of Mike this week.
Sam walks in on them just as Brooke is making plans for the Junior Prom. Harrison is a bit freaked by plans for the future and all. Sam snaps a photo, and lo and behold the photo features Brooke trying to kiss Harrison while he looks away. Oh, the irony. Brooke grabs the photo away and has Sam retake the picture while they "pose properly."
School pictures. Chem is the photographer. Comedy ensues as Josh sits for her, because she tells him to "adjust his package" and makes him say all these old-fashioned things to trick him into smiling. Carmen sends in the last make-over recipient and tells Sam via walkie-talkie that she's about the strike the set. Before she does, however, Lily enters and asks if she can put together an outfit for Mary Cherry, who hasn't arrived yet. Carmen is all, "She's not poor." Lily explains that Mary Cherry is in fact poor, now that she's been having financial problems at home. Carmen is incredulous. "How could you be so naïve." Lily swears that Mary Cherry has been going through a lot and that she's honestly changed.
Just then, Mary Cherry enters, wearing a blue fur with matching hat. Apparently Cherry Cherry flew into town that morning and solved the cash-flow problem. They went shopping for the rest of the morning and then planned a trip to the Arctic circle to go baby-seal hunting. "I need a new pair of pants!" explains Mary Cherry about the baby-seal hunt. "See ya later, wannabes!" Carmen is all, "I told you so." Lily fumes to herself. "I honestly thought I'd taught her something about Charity!" Actually, Lily, you taught her that being poor sucks. She seems to have learned her lesson well.
A long line forms in front of the yearbook table as the multitudes of made-over Kennedy losers place orders for yearbooks. Sam and Carmen pat themselves on the back for orders being "up forty percent this year." Principal Krupps hears this and congratulates the girls on the fine charity work that also saved the yearbook. April Tuna hears this, realizes she's been a charity case all along, and reads Sam and Carmen the riot act for using her as a guinea pig. Carmen and Sam stare down at their feet really hard.
Harrison, in his top hat and tails, picks Brooke up at her locker on their way to get their pictures taken. Brooke isn't dressed up. He asks why, and she pulls out the picture Sam took of the two of them with him looking away. She points out that he's staring at the camera, and since Sam has the camera, he's basically rejecting Brooke's kiss to look at Sam. "I know that you may be in love," says Brooke. "Just not with me." Brooke doesn't want to be "charity." She wants to be loved. They agree to be just friends.
A montage sequence of junior photos is shown while Warner Brothers recording artist Olive emotes. Brooke poses in a heather-gray T-shirt, looking a little older but a little wiser. Harrison poses wistfully in his top hat and tails. Nicole confronts the camera with attitude and panache; Sam goes back to a classic look for her, an Ewok 'do. She gives the camera a whatever look. Carmen's got this stern librarian look happening, and she still looks like she's upset over what April Tuna said to her. Lily poses all Linda Cardinelli in the opening credits of Freaks & Geeks. April Tuna: Photo not available. Mary Cherry: Photo not available.
Turns out Mary Cherry missed the photo session because she was "seeing the poor." Lily finds her among the "po' folk," placing her new furs on the sleeping bodies of those less fortunate than her. Lily smiles self-righteously to herself.