Shout-outs to Sars, Alex Richmond, Djb and Strega for a super weekend hanging out together in dive-y Manhattan bars, eating Belgian fries, drinking Jack Daniel's, spending lots of money, and talking shit about the people around us.
Last week: A Kennedy student no one really knows falls under the drowsy rapture of a certain cherry-flavored over-the-counter narcotic and dies. The administration does an investigation. Harrison's urine tests positive for "drugs," but Josh takes the rap. Brooke and Harrison run against each other for student council president. Carmen, Sam, Nicole, and Mary Cherry run each other for Homecoming Queen. Michelle Phillips guest stars as Chem's nemesis Hellacious Akers, a four-time Kennedy homecoming queen mentoring Mary Cherry and Nicole. The ratings plunge.
Josh is not kicked out of school or anything, but he and Lily and Harrison are having this heated discussion in the hallway in the aftermath of Josh's bust. There are all these jerky NYPD Blue camera movements. I guess now that there's a drug-oriented plot line, the cinematography just had to get really sketchy. I'm hoping that's also the explanation for the mullet that Josh is growing ever so slightly. Can't you just see the pre-production meeting with wardrobe and hair? "I was thinking that since Josh is going to be kinda skanky this season, I'd grow out the back of his hair a little, what do you say, Ryan? The eighties are back."
Harrison and Josh glare at each other, but in less of a sexual way than usual. Lily looks helpless and grief-stricken, like some U.S. Marshals had just burst into her home and stole her nephew from her. Josh tells Harrison that he took the rap for Harrison, and warns them that Krupps is going to be doing random drug testing. Josh reminds Lily to do some herbal detox. Lily is so sorry she ever got Josh into this mess. Josh doesn't accept her apology and stomps off. "Harrison, are you sure you're not taking drugs?" asks Lily. Harrison is all "face your own demons." Like, pity the state any of my friendships would be in if I actually said "face your own demons" out loud to someone. Lily does the Million Man March outta there. Harrison reaches into his locker and pulls out a bottle of Vicoburin, a codeine-based pain reliever. "Take one every hour as needed for severe pain," says the prescription. He throws them in the trash. Well, that does it. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow and having him hook me up with some of those. Maybe I'll find out who Melanie Griffith sees and pay him a visit.
Credits.
Ur-ine Trouble
Hallway. Shots of a "Brooke, a president who cares" poster tacked up right above a "Vote for Harrison" poster. Carmen and Chem exit the chem lab and walk together down the hallway. Either Chem's hair is shorter, or they just rolled that one big curl up a rotation. Carmen's hair is all primed for the homecoming queen battle: it's big, curly, and the color of a grape-flavored Popsicle. She complains that her teeth hurt. Chem explains that it's due to the sulfuric acid she put in Carmen's teeth-whitening solution. It works, because her teeth sparkle all artificially like Erik Estrada's did in last year's season finale. They discuss what to wear, mentioning that Carmen is going to go get the rest of her clothes by breaking into her mother's house while Roxanne is at her tae bo class. I guess Roxanne needs something to do with her fists now that Carmen has moved out. As Chem abuses her power and puts a "Carmen for Queen Poster" in one of those transparent fiberglass protection cases right over a listing of S.A.T. testing sites, Hellacious enters. Okay, have you all seen Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream? Anyway, in it, Ellen Burstyn plays this widowed Jewish housewife living alone in Brighton Beach in 1974. The only pleasure she gets out of life is sitting in front of her TV, eating Russell Stover chocolates. In fact, whenever her son (Jared Leto) needs drug money, he takes the TV and hocks it, knowing it's the only possession of his mother's that she'll retrieve over and over again from the local pawnshop. So, one day she gets this notice in the mail that her favorite game show wants her as a contestant. She runs to her closet to see if her favorite red dress still fits -- one of those polyester crepe pleated things with padded shoulders that you always see at bar mitzvahs. It doesn't, even after her neighbor (played by Louise Lasser -- I mean, are you there or what?) lets it out. So for the two hours, we watch Ellen Burstyn become addicted to diet pills and lose her mind. Bring a date. Anyway, Michelle Phillips is wearing the exact same dress. I mean, Michelle Phillips looks way better than Ellen Burstyn in the dress, but still, I'm having a moment. Hellacious is being bitchy. She taunts Chem for being a "big fat loser," and suggests that Carmen should have come to her for campaign advice. Carmen tells Miss Glass to stand up for herself. Hellacious is even more hellacious in response. She makes a nasty remark about Chem being more suited for a "battle of the bulge" than a homecoming queen campaign. Chem walks away sadly. "You know, if this school knew what kind of a person you really are," says Carmen to Hellacious in her best Haley Joel Osment delivery, "I don't think they'd be honoring you." As Carmen walks away down the hall, the screen goes all "Terminator-vision" with vital statistics appearing in Hellacious's POV to Carmen, who is being tailed by one of those range finders. In other words, Hellacious is gunning for Carmen. For those of you who actually watch Popular for all of the inspiration Carmen provides for downtrodden teens, write passionate letters to Ryan Murphy about how you want Carmen to win homecoming queen, and actually treasure new facts about Carmen: she's a Scorpio. They also give her address. They don't mention that she's fat, though.
Ur-ine Trouble
The Novak. Nicole and MC, wearing tight black outfits and serious jewelry, are poring over some items they just took from Carmen's locker in an attempt to find something to use against her in the homecoming queen race. They find a love note, but are disappointed to find that it's to Carson Daly -- not anyone at Kennedy. "Carmen is so squeaky clean, it makes me sick!" shouts a frustrated Mary Cherry. Actually, a love note from Carmen to Carson Daly is totally sick -- in other words, it's just the thing that Nicole and MC could actually use. Unfortunately, I guess Kennedy doesn't share my disdain for Carson, because they decide not to follow through. Instead, they change their methodology a little to find some significant dirt on Carmen. Mary Cherry pulls a crystal ball out of her purse, and they start asking it what Carmen is hiding. Just then, Hellacious enters the Novak. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Hellacious is presenting the crown, there's no need for her to be hanging out at the school for, like, two weeks. It's one thing to peak during your teen years, but hanging out at your old high school while you're pushing fifty is really pathetic. The Nicoles and Mary Cherries of this world would actively be running from this type of woman in shopping malls. They'd hardly be asking someone like this for homecoming queen campaign tips. And Chem is trembling at the sight of her?
Now that Hellacious, too, hates Carmen after Carmen read her, she joins forces with Nicole and Mary Cherry, who are no longer competing against each other but have become co-campaigners for some reason. Their combined dark energy gives them the power to perform a spell. Hellacious is all "deeper! deeper!" while Steve Miller's "Abracadabra" plays in the background. In the crystal ball, an image appears to them of Carmen hugging herself pathetically while whining, "I want to go home. I want to go home." The Blondes and their mentor cackle gleefully.
Remember what hope we had for Sam's hair at the beginning of the season? Dashed. Forever. They're doing that thing again from last season where they part it chaotically and blow it forward over the ears like they're covering plastic surgery scars. Harrison walks up to Sam at her locker. "Please tell me you have some aspirin!" he says desperately, rubbing the outer edge of Sam's locker door with his forehead. Like, due to my sense of hygiene, I was not doing stuff like that at my high school. Sam lends him an aspirin. George, Sam's magical-black-guy boyfriend, walks by and Sam stops him to talk. He totally freezes her out. "How can I apologize to people if they won't even acknowledge my existence?" she practically announces to the entire student body. She turns her attention back to Harrison, who is gulping his aspirin frantically and sweating. "Are you okay?" He tells Sam he has migraines, and that he's out of Vicoburin. Sam tells him to get some more. Harrison explains that he needs to be clean for the drug testing. Sam suggests he get a note from his doctor. Harrison tells her he isn't really seeing a doctor, he's been prescribing himself pills -- something he can get away with because his mother is a pharmacist. Sam reminds him that what he's doing is ill-ee-gul and tells him to go see a real doctor. Harrison blames all his problems on stress due to the presidential elections. "After Friday's vote, I will be fine!" he says, exiting. Sam munches on her lower lip and stares at the bottle of aspirin really hard.