Okay, before I begin, I just have to comment on the train wreck I was just watching called Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Since Grosse Pointe moved to Sunday, there were two episodes of Sabrina on before tonight's Popular, and the last few minutes of Sabrina were stuck on my tape that I had to sit through before Popular started. I have never watched Sabrina before, but tonight I tuned in just in time to see Sabrina cast a spell on Martin Mull, who I guess is the principal of her high school. The spell makes him dance like Britney Spears to her hit "Crazy." The students all stand around laughing. It's horrifying -- a larger blow to Martin Mull's dignity than those TGIF commercials.
Then there's a scene after that where Sabrina and some guy are standing outside of a stage door waiting for Britney Spears to come out. When Britney finally does come out, she looks at Sabrina as if she knows her. The friend of Sabrina comments on this. Then Martin Mull comes out following Britney, still stuck doing that "jiggy" dance. "They shoot horses, don't they?" says Martin Mull, a reference to the film with Jane Fonda about the danceathons of the 1920s. What is it with these otherwise lame shows that actually contain obscure yet clever pop-culture references? Is the new WB Friday a figurative pasture where thirtyish gay male TV writers who are too clever for their own good spend their twilight years?
The very end of this Sabrina episode, where they show the credits, is a Britney Spears video. Guess what video it is? It's "Crazy"! Coincidentally, that also happens to be the very video that Melissa Joan Hart, star of Sabrina, has a large-ish role. "Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night." Indeed.
So Popular starts, and there are no scenes from last week, just a mention of last year's homecoming episode in the promo -- a reminder of better days. Brooke is in extreme close-up, wearing a tomato-red clingy shirt and telling Principal Calvin Krupps that she's not running for homecoming queen this year because she's reorganizing her life around stuff that is more "substantive than stylish." Oh, by the way, I'm just warning you, the term "substance" is going to be thrown around a lot tonight. It's just like thatCrime and Punishment-themed episode from last year. Um, Brooke, you don't need to schedule a meeting with the principal of your high school to tell him that you're not running. Just don't run. Krupps goes into a blind panic, explaining that homecoming is a big hit with alumni, and her crowning last year inspired a lot of donations to the school. "But that's so shallow!" says Brooke. Actually, Brooke, there's nothing shallow about money for education -- just ask anyone who has had to attend a public high school in a poor area where there aren't enough textbooks to go around. Nevertheless, she holds her ground, much to the delight of Mary Cherry and Nicole, who are listening in at the door.
Mary Cherry and Nicole are thrilled that Brooke is out of the race. That way, there's a chance that one of them could win the homecoming crown. They vow to run above-board campaigns and be happy for each other no matter who wins, but we all know better. Mary Cherry has a fantasy of Nicole being crowned while she dumps a bucket of pig's blood all over her a la Carrie, but the fantasy turns ugly when Nicole starts using her telekinetic powers to kill everyone in the school. "Nic," says reality Mary Cherry. "You don't have telekinetic powers, do you?" "Not since I got on Wellbutrin," says Nicole. Heh!
Credits. Hey, while we are doing parodies of other movies, how about a nice shout-out to that TV movie about the Menendez brothers. You know, those guys who killed their parents?
Chem's empty classroom. Chem is reading Pipe Collectors Monthly (was that supposed to be funny?) while she has a free period. She hears snoring. When she walks behind the desks to investigate, she finds Carmen in a sleeping bag. "Sleep your wine coolers off at the nurse's station just like everyone else," says Chem, waking her up. Carmen complies and gathers all her stuff. When Chem realizes that she has a lot of possessions with her, she asks her, under threat of suspension, what the real story is. Carmen explains how her mother kicked her out of the house. Chem is unmoved by Carmen's plight and tells her that she simply can't sleep in school -- it's against school rules. Carmen explains that she'll have her own room in the McQueen house soon enough and that it will never happen again. She starts to leave Chem's classroom with all her stuff in tow. And now for something truly sickmaking: "Ferrera," says Chem. "I just wanted you to know that I've noticed your struggles in the past couple of years. I've admired how you're turned this whole popularity thing around." Because if there's one thing they have to remind us of, besides the fact that Carmen is fat, it's that Carmen is an inspiration to the less popular at Kennedy because she's such a hero -- you know, wanting to be a cheerleader and all. Carmen is like, "Thank you, Miss Glass," giggles self-deprecatingly, and exits. Okay, you know how Wanda is saying that Carmen is going to be dating someone blond? I bet you anything it's Chem.
Okay, so during this episode, Mary Cherry and Harrison are all forgotten about, but thank heavens that the writers haven't forgotten about Lily and Josh. I mean, they're just the most exciting couple since Josh and Carmen, who were about as exciting a couple as Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey. Lily is standing at her locker in a powder-blue turtleneck and scarecrow hair. Josh comes up to her in a brick red v-neck sweater and offers her his cheek to kiss. Lily kisses it, and Josh pulls a fast one and kisses her on the lips. Oh, if only real high-school kids of today were actually capable of such innocent romantic gestures. Lily is uncomfortable with their public romance. Josh comforts her by promising to take it slowly and spend time with her. Lily is touched by this and promises him that she'll hang with him after school the day. Today, of course, she's unavailable, because she has to throw paint bombs at fur-wearing Beverly Hills women. Brooke spies them trotting off together happily and looks disturbed in her pink twinset while the soundtrack goes all quasi-Exorcist with the synthesizer scales.
Brooke walks over to Principal Calvin Krupps's office to get an application to run for student body president. Upon hearing of her intentions to run, April Tuna and the other two thick glasses-wearing "losers" express exasperation. "Are you telling me that you, Brooke McQueen, the most popular girl at Kennedy, are running against us, spazzes with substance but with no photogenic style?" says April Tuna. Upon hearing this, the two "spazzes with substance yet no photogenic style" gather their nerd props and shuffle out of Krupps's office. April, on the other hand, remains defiant and vows to take on Brooke, who feels really bad that she's pissed off the peasants. She leaves the office, giving Calvin a covert Vulcan handshake complete with sound effects. He gives one right back to her. Krupps hands Brooke an application to run for school office, and apologizes to her for giving her a hard time the day before over her decision not to run. "Your pulling out of the homecoming sweepstakes actually led to a good thing," he says. "It made me buckle down and seek out a homecoming guest of honor the alumni would love even more than you." Doesn't Brooke look cute when she's confused and feeling a little bit dissed? Let's have her give us a little bit of that and ask who the special guest is going to be.
The answer is former four-time Kennedy homecoming queen Hellacious Akers. And you know that when there's a new funny name, there's always gotta be some stunt casting just around the corner. I sit on the edge of my seat, wondering what star of yesteryear will be cast as Hellacious Akers. Okay, I don't, actually, because I have been reading everywhere that Michelle Phillips will be playing a former homecoming queen named Hellacious Akers on Popular at some point this fall. To think there was once a time when I could watch Popular and still get a kick out of these little surprises. Nicole and Mary Cherry stand at their lockers and discuss the future appearance of Hellacious Akers, whom they both worship. They both realize that Ms. Akers's appearance at the crowning will mean that whoever wins this year will receive unprecedented media exposure. More vampy action of Nicole and Mary Cherry wishing each other well while barely containing their burning hostility towards each other. But that spell is broken by the arrival of Hellacious Akers. She appears before them like a tiara-ed vision, moving evenly down the hall as if she was on a parade float or being levitated by her own fabulousness. She gives a stiff-fingered wave to the students who throw flower petals in her path while "Make Way for the Bitch" plays. She doesn't speak to Nicole and Mary Cherry, but she singles them out for a special wink. Mary Cherry and Nicole are open-mouthed in her presence. I just have to point out here that when Nicole's hair is spiked and her tongue is hanging out, she looks like she's doing some sort of Green Day karaoke performance.
In Chem's class, the kids sit and listen to Krupps read the announcements over the loudspeaker. Apparently, some kid named Wendell Smegma died. None of the Kennedy kids knows who he is. Krupps asks for a moment of silence, which Mary Cherry ruins by yawning loudly. Moving on, Krupps introduces Hellacious Akers, who reads the nominations for homecoming queen. At the sound of Hellacious's voice, Chem zones out as if she was in a fever dream. Okay, now this part is a bit conceptual and kind of hard to describe. A Brady Bunch-style four-person grid appears on screen as Hellacious lists the nominees. Nicole Julian is the first name read; she occupies the lower left-hand corner of the grid and smirks proudly as she applies lip gloss. Mary Cherry is also nominated; she cries with joy (no funny mascara this year) as she appears in the square above Nicole, and they wave at each other. Carmen is the nominee. She looks pleased with herself, and I'll give Sara Rue props here for NOT acting all falsely modest and poor little match girl. As soon as she appears to the right of Mary Cherry, the blonde duo start rolling their eyes at having to share space with her. The nominee is Sam. And when Sam appears in the lower right square, Nicole and Mary Cherry are completely grossed out. And that is it. Those are the nominees. Like there wouldn't be any nominees from this year's sophomore class, now that the Kennedy kids are juniors. "No! No!" says Sam. "Recount! I don't want this!" When she says this, her square grows in size to take up the entire screen. Yes, it's all about her and her struggle NOT to be beautiful, like the time they put a gun to her head and made her model for Chick Power magazine.
"Why don't you want to be nominated?" George asks her at lunch. Sam goes off on her usual rant against the teen popularity machine. The word "substance" is used, don't worry. But George, you see, is a magical black guy (tm Step Headed Red Child on Fametracker) like Will Smith in The Legend of Bagger Vance. His job is to make the white people around him to look into their hearts and see how truly fabulous they can be. George reminds Sam that this nomination shows that people at this school like her (who are these people?), and that she owes it to her public to run. "Besides," he says, "I'm looking forward to it: my lady in a fine dress. Me escorting her to the field in a convertible. Sign me up, I am good to go!" Sam doesn't bitch-slap him for calling her "lady," which I guess is the first sign that the nomination is going to her head.
Brooke walks over to Harrison's table and sits down. For some reason, Harrison is being sullen, and sarcastically offers her his condolences about not getting a homecoming queen nomination. Hey, Harrison? You're not going to be cute forever, so stop sneering or your face will take on that expression permanently by the time you hit your forties. Brooke corrects him, telling him that she's running for student council president instead. "Great," says Harrison. "Maybe as your first official act in office, you can veto this inappropriateness." Harrison is referring to the apathy being shown towards Wendell Smegma's death by the entire student body. "You would think the death of a student would give the school pause for at least a day." Actually, Harrison, if Kennedy were a real high school, Wendell's death would be cause for mass hysteria. Nothing brings a high school to life like the death of a student. Haven't you ever seen Heathers? Brooke mentions that all she knew about him was that he was a "syrup fiend" who mixed cough syrup and soda. Okay, I know that cough syrup can make you high, and that people use it recreationally, but what is with "mixing it with soda" that makes that such an important issue? I mean, when someone dies from alcohol poisoning, you don't say that they died from mixing Scotch with club soda or beer with peanuts. Harrison says something snide about Brooke not caring about a human being when there's a homecoming race to think about. Instead of getting up from the table and hurling a drink in Harrison's face (so he can die from wounds inflicted by a combination of cut glass and soda), Brooke asks Harrison to be her campaign manager so they can tackle that very issue.
Out in the hallway, George is helping Sam find her inner homecoming queen some more as they fantasize about their entrance onto the football field. While Sam is trying to figure out whether to wear a pink dress or a "rule-defying leather jacket," Carmen bursts in with a big fat interruption. See what I did there? I just subtly reminded you all that Carmen is fat. Carmen takes Sam aside, discarding her magical black boyfriend momentarily, and starts freaking out about them both being nominated for homecoming queen and what that will do to their friendship. "But you're going to drop out, right? right? right? because you hate that glitzy crap?" says Carmen hopefully. "Actually," says Sam looking down. "George convinced me not to." Carmen freaks and vows to drop out. Sam convinces her that their friendship is not going to suffer from running against each other. "We're a team,"says Sam. "If either one of us wins it would so be a vote for the underdogs at this school." Hey, Sam? Ever heard of what is now referred to as Ralph Nader syndrome? You guys just might cancel each other out. Carmen is convinced, and shows her newfound joy by getting her appetite back. "Can I have that apple?" she asks Sam, and then she rhapsodizes over the thought of being able to stay at Brooke's house in her own room. Sam looks momentarily horrified. She tells Carmen that she can't stay with her parents, because they're turning the spare bedroom into a nursery and there will be construction done. Hey, I've got a great idea! There'd be lots of room for Carmen if, say, Mike and Jane were to move to some other country like…oh, I don't know…Hong Kong. Sam offers to share her bed with Carmen. Oh wait, actually she offers to sleep on the couch while Carmen sleeps in her bed because after all there will be no room in Sam's bed with Carmen's size ten body taking up all the space. Carmen doesn't want to kick Sam out of her bed so she (obviously lying) tells Sam that she's going to go stay with some cousins. Sam is happy for Carmen and walks off. Carmen almost calls after her but stops herself.
The Novak. Chem enters to find Carmen spread out on the floor with all of her stuff. See what I just did? I said "spread out" in order to subtly remind you of all that copious flesh on Carmen's body. "Ferrera," says Chem. "We have been through this. You cannot sleep at this school." "There's no where else for me to go!" says Carmen. Chem tells her to get her things together. "Are you taking me to a shelter?" asks Carmen. "No," says Chem. "You're coming to my house."
Early morning at the Glass House (don't throw stones!). OK, writers, consider it duly noted by every single viewer of Popular: Chem is wacky. We. Get. It. There is no need to belabor the point any further by having her awake from her Lay-Z-Boy with the help of twelve alarm clocks, and Vicki Sue Robinson's "Turn the Beat Around." Also weren't there three million references last year to the twin bed that Nurse Jessie and Bio shared? "It's not even dawn yet," exclaims Carmen. "So how was my sister's Lay-Z-Boy? Hard enough for you?" asks Chem. Carmen complains about her back and Chem tells her that suffering builds character. Oh yeah, and We. Also. Get. It. that Chem is a hardass. A wacky hardass. Carmen and Chem have five hours before school starts, so they do calisthenics, which Carmen, of course, finds hard to do because she's fat and lazy. Oh wait! More wackiness! Chem still owns a turntable and she's eating cold pizza and Slim Fast for breakfast and there are mice for her pet boa constrictor in her fridge! Can this scene get any wackier? You betcha! Chem has made a "chore wheel" for Carmen that looks just like the "wheel" on Wheel of Fortune. Aw, poor Carmen. She has to clean the litter box. What a hardship! Is the free rent really that worth it?
The Novak. Sam is wearing a headband that is so wide I suspect that it is, in fact, the collar of a turtleneck sweater she was wearing earlier that she couldn't successfully get off around her huge head so she just tore it at the neck seam and left it there. As she applies make-up in the mirror, Nicole comes up to her and taunts her about her chances of winning the crown. "The only reason people voted for you," says Nicole, "is that you're dating George Austin. You're popular by proxy and not by merit, which is not enough to win." She goes on to explain that George will undoubtedly drop Sam "like a lit match" when she loses the crown. Sam's lips just do that fish-faced attitude thing.
Kennedy Hallway. After a pair of male and female "losers" get some books out of their lockers and leave the hall empty, Chem sneaks out of her classroom and places a "Carmen Ferrera for Homecoming Queen" poster up on the wall. Harrison watches her from across the hallway, amused by what he sees until Krupps enters and tells Chem that he's conducting a school-wide drug test because of the syruping death of Wendell Smegma. "We need to show the alumni that they are not giving money to a school that tolerates drug abuse of any kind." Um, Krupps, does that include the crack that Chem's been smoking since the second season began?
The bleachers. This piece of news has horrified Harrison and he has a campaign meeting with Brooke to discuss it. Drug testing, according to Harrison, is unconstitutional, and since a urine test can detect anything, kids on Ritalin or Prozac would test positive and could be dropped by their health insurance companies. Harrison wants Brooke to run for class president on an anti-drug testing platform. Brooke thinks the issue is too "hot button" and wants to propose a longer lunch period instead. Harrison argues against her. Brooke tells him to run himself if he's so committed. "Fine," says Harrison, stomping off. "I will." Don't you love it when Brooke looks all sad and lost? Just makes me want to put on a Jewel album, wrap a Navaho blanket around her and hold her until the pain goes away. Oh wait, load that CD carousel with the entire Jewel oeuvre and while you're at it, and add some Sarah MacLachlan. Josh and Lily just walked in front of her holding hands.
Hallway. Hellacious and Chem bump into each other, sending a tray full of Pyrex beakers crashing to the ground. A bitchy confrontation reveals that Chem and Hellacious were in the same class at Kennedy back in the seventies, when Chem was just as wacky and out of it as she is now. "I remember you, Bobby," says Hellacious. "Weren't you elected senior most likely to fail?" Carmen hears the whole thing.
Chem's classroom. Brooke and Sam discuss the fact that Harrison is now running against Brooke. Brooke wants Sam to help her write her campaign speech. Sam wants to borrow Brooke's François Nars lip gloss. Of course this is significant because Sam has never ever worn make-up before this episode. That's right. Those hideous shades of eye shadow she's been wearing since the pilot? They're just this natural color that occurs on Sam's eyelids reflecting her state of mind -- kind of like a mood ring. Never heard of this phenomenon before, myself, but I believe it. Everyone knows that Sam is simply too smart to actually apply that make-up by herself. Anyway, as Sam primps, she backs out of helping Brooke, claiming that her friendship with Harrison prevents her from taking sides. Brooke puts on a pair of Harry Potter-style glasses in order to make herself look smart. See what's happening here? Role reversal! That's never happened on an episode of Popular before. Oh, and speaking of uncharted territory on this show, Chem enters and starts acting wacky. She announces a pop quiz. This consists of coming up with five reasons that Carmen should be homecoming queen. Nicole protests that this kind of thing is unfair and that teachers should remain neutral in elections. "How's this for fair?" says Chem. "Everyone who doesn't vote for Carmen flunks!"
Josh and Lily are making out on a blanket to what's left of the Forever Tree -- a stump. Aren't you glad they followed up on the whole Forever Tree thing? That was one fascinating subplot, right? I mean, normally I'm not too concerned with the wellbeing of inanimate objects, but Sugar Daddy's acting just made it so real! Anyway, Lily is having trouble relaxing and getting into the mood. "Do you want to do some yoga or something?" says Josh, knowing that the key to Lily's, um, heart is some sort of superficial interest in anything Eastern. Turns out that Lily's got another solution in mind -- cough syrup. She pulls a bottle out of her bag-- "I cut it with some guava juice" -- and they indulge. Ok, that is just so wrong! I'm not doubting that kids don't do a variety of household substances to get a cheap high, but whipping some out on a date? What's ? Sam and George doing some pre-coital hyperventilation? Brooke sees them. She's heartbroken that someone else is Robituss-ing with her man.
Glass House. Chem has just stayed up all night making a big batch of flan with "Carmen for Queen" written all over it. I guess she's going to pass out the flan in an effort to get the vote. For those of you unfamiliar with flan, it's a Spanish desert that's very similar to custard and therefore a very impractical thing to serve mass quantities of unlike, say, brownies. Flan is wacky! Chem is wacky. Therefore, Chem must serve flan. Carmen sits Chem down and asks her why she's so committed to Carmen becoming queen. Turns out that Chem had some bad experiences in high school, and working on Carmen's campaign is her way of sticking it to the popular kids who made her life a living hell. Hellacious Akers was -- surprise, surprise -- her main tormentor. Oh yeah, and there's a flashback complete with Jim Croce references and Farrah hair. Farrah hair is wacky. Anything seventies is wacky. "All I wanted was a friend," says a trembling Chem. Carmen takes her hand and asks her to sit to her at the assembly. Having a lesbian experience with your chemistry teacher is pretty wacky too.
The assembly. Harrison speaks out against mandatory drug testing. No one in the audience cares. April Tuna -- her hairstyle reminiscent of the TWA building at JFK -- speaks out for alien visitation. Everyone laughs. Brooke, looking really boss in a black turtleneck and a pair of grey flannel flat-front trousers, speaks in favor of mandatory drug testing and vows to fight Kennedy's drug problem in honor of Wendell. The crowd likes this idea for some reason and gives her a standing O. Where is this high school again?
Lockers. Carmen and Sam discuss the election, but it turns out that Sam missed the assembly because she had to get hair extensions. Carmen is concerned with Sam's newfound superficial priorities -- 'cause you know before this episode that whenever Sam's hair went through thirty styles in one episode before it was only happening because of the change in humidity levels in the air. Carmen tells Sam that the "Bring Back Freaks and Geeks Club" wants the two of them to speak. Sam agrees to speak, but seems a bit ashamed to have to share the podium with Carmen. Meanwhile, Lily and Josh confront Harrison at his locker and offer to campaign for him.
Nicole and Mary Cherry, according to a Gallup Poll (whatever), are falling behind in the homecoming queen competition. They turn to Hellacious for advice. She tells them to find a voter-friendly issue to run on. She gives "End the Vietnam War" as an example of a cause she used in her own campaign. "So," says Nicole. "The voters were misled into believing that there was a soul beneath that chic fringe leather vest of yours." "Play to win," says Hellacious. "Or get out of the way."
The Novak. Brooke and Lily share a tension-filled silent moment. Okay, the acting is actually really good here. Who knew that Tamara Mello could apply lip gloss with such attitude? Eventually, Lily attempts to make nice with Brooke, but Brooke isn't having any of it and accuses her and Josh of being "syrup addicts" before she storms out of the Novak in a huff. Out in the hallway, Lily accuses Brooke of choosing her anti-syrup platform to get back at her and Josh. "I chose that platform because drugs are wrong!" says Brooke. Krupps overhears their conversation and realizes that they are talking about someone on the football team who is addicted to cough syrup. Okay, Lily looks really cute in this scene with her Danskin wraparound top, but something is really wrong with the way her hair is cut on the back of her head.
George is allergic to Sam's perfume. Oh, the irony! And the perfume is called "Blind Ambition." Can't get any deeper than this, no way! He tells her he liked the old Sam who won her homecoming queen nomination on her "own terms." Just like Billy Dee Williams in Mahogany. Hey, George, you might want to take an over-the-counter cold remedy for that sneezing. Just kidding!
Chem runs into Josh and Lily and informs Josh that Krupps has called for a drug test of the entire football team that very day. They beg Harrison to give them some urine and explain why they can't be tested for drugs. Harrison is pissed (geddit?) that they only joined his campaign to save their own asses, but he gives them some pee anyway because Lily is almost in tears.
Hallway. Mary Cherry is dressed in fatigues, chanting anti-Vietnam slogans. She took Hellacious' advice too literally. Nicole tells MC that the Vietnam War has been over for twenty-five years. "Damn!" says Mary Cherry. "So much for these Miss Saigon soundtracks!" Heh! Nicole admits that her mandatory weigh-in campaign wasn't a hit either. They decide to go back to what they do best: negative campaigning. They spy Carmen passing out flan across the hall. "Carmen Ferrera's going down!" says Nicole, giving her a look of death. You know how Tammy can look completely feral at times? She's got that down right here and it makes me realize how much I miss evil, bitter, powerful Nicole.
Krupps enters Chem's class and pulls Josh out of class. He flunked the drug test. Okay, this is such a no brainer. I mean, hasn't anyone figured out that you can just claim you had a cold? To be continued...