Shout-outs to Sars, Alex Richmond, Djb and Strega for a super weekend hanging out together in dive-y Manhattan bars, eating Belgian fries, drinking Jack Daniel's, spending lots of money, and talking shit about the people around us.
Last week: A Kennedy student no one really knows falls under the drowsy rapture of a certain cherry-flavored over-the-counter narcotic and dies. The administration does an investigation. Harrison's urine tests positive for "drugs," but Josh takes the rap. Brooke and Harrison run against each other for student council president. Carmen, Sam, Nicole, and Mary Cherry run each other for Homecoming Queen. Michelle Phillips guest stars as Chem's nemesis Hellacious Akers, a four-time Kennedy homecoming queen mentoring Mary Cherry and Nicole. The ratings plunge.
Josh is not kicked out of school or anything, but he and Lily and Harrison are having this heated discussion in the hallway in the aftermath of Josh's bust. There are all these jerky NYPD Blue camera movements. I guess now that there's a drug-oriented plot line, the cinematography just had to get really sketchy. I'm hoping that's also the explanation for the mullet that Josh is growing ever so slightly. Can't you just see the pre-production meeting with wardrobe and hair? "I was thinking that since Josh is going to be kinda skanky this season, I'd grow out the back of his hair a little, what do you say, Ryan? The eighties are back."
Harrison and Josh glare at each other, but in less of a sexual way than usual. Lily looks helpless and grief-stricken, like some U.S. Marshals had just burst into her home and stole her nephew from her. Josh tells Harrison that he took the rap for Harrison, and warns them that Krupps is going to be doing random drug testing. Josh reminds Lily to do some herbal detox. Lily is so sorry she ever got Josh into this mess. Josh doesn't accept her apology and stomps off. "Harrison, are you sure you're not taking drugs?" asks Lily. Harrison is all "face your own demons." Like, pity the state any of my friendships would be in if I actually said "face your own demons" out loud to someone. Lily does the Million Man March outta there. Harrison reaches into his locker and pulls out a bottle of Vicoburin, a codeine-based pain reliever. "Take one every hour as needed for severe pain," says the prescription. He throws them in the trash. Well, that does it. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow and having him hook me up with some of those. Maybe I'll find out who Melanie Griffith sees and pay him a visit.
Credits.
Hallway. Shots of a "Brooke, a president who cares" poster tacked up right above a "Vote for Harrison" poster. Carmen and Chem exit the chem lab and walk together down the hallway. Either Chem's hair is shorter, or they just rolled that one big curl up a rotation. Carmen's hair is all primed for the homecoming queen battle: it's big, curly, and the color of a grape-flavored Popsicle. She complains that her teeth hurt. Chem explains that it's due to the sulfuric acid she put in Carmen's teeth-whitening solution. It works, because her teeth sparkle all artificially like Erik Estrada's did in last year's season finale. They discuss what to wear, mentioning that Carmen is going to go get the rest of her clothes by breaking into her mother's house while Roxanne is at her tae bo class. I guess Roxanne needs something to do with her fists now that Carmen has moved out. As Chem abuses her power and puts a "Carmen for Queen Poster" in one of those transparent fiberglass protection cases right over a listing of S.A.T. testing sites, Hellacious enters. Okay, have you all seen Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream? Anyway, in it, Ellen Burstyn plays this widowed Jewish housewife living alone in Brighton Beach in 1974. The only pleasure she gets out of life is sitting in front of her TV, eating Russell Stover chocolates. In fact, whenever her son (Jared Leto) needs drug money, he takes the TV and hocks it, knowing it's the only possession of his mother's that she'll retrieve over and over again from the local pawnshop. So, one day she gets this notice in the mail that her favorite game show wants her as a contestant. She runs to her closet to see if her favorite red dress still fits -- one of those polyester crepe pleated things with padded shoulders that you always see at bar mitzvahs. It doesn't, even after her neighbor (played by Louise Lasser -- I mean, are you there or what?) lets it out. So for the two hours, we watch Ellen Burstyn become addicted to diet pills and lose her mind. Bring a date. Anyway, Michelle Phillips is wearing the exact same dress. I mean, Michelle Phillips looks way better than Ellen Burstyn in the dress, but still, I'm having a moment. Hellacious is being bitchy. She taunts Chem for being a "big fat loser," and suggests that Carmen should have come to her for campaign advice. Carmen tells Miss Glass to stand up for herself. Hellacious is even more hellacious in response. She makes a nasty remark about Chem being more suited for a "battle of the bulge" than a homecoming queen campaign. Chem walks away sadly. "You know, if this school knew what kind of a person you really are," says Carmen to Hellacious in her best Haley Joel Osment delivery, "I don't think they'd be honoring you." As Carmen walks away down the hall, the screen goes all "Terminator-vision" with vital statistics appearing in Hellacious's POV to Carmen, who is being tailed by one of those range finders. In other words, Hellacious is gunning for Carmen. For those of you who actually watch Popular for all of the inspiration Carmen provides for downtrodden teens, write passionate letters to Ryan Murphy about how you want Carmen to win homecoming queen, and actually treasure new facts about Carmen: she's a Scorpio. They also give her address. They don't mention that she's fat, though.
The Novak. Nicole and MC, wearing tight black outfits and serious jewelry, are poring over some items they just took from Carmen's locker in an attempt to find something to use against her in the homecoming queen race. They find a love note, but are disappointed to find that it's to Carson Daly -- not anyone at Kennedy. "Carmen is so squeaky clean, it makes me sick!" shouts a frustrated Mary Cherry. Actually, a love note from Carmen to Carson Daly is totally sick -- in other words, it's just the thing that Nicole and MC could actually use. Unfortunately, I guess Kennedy doesn't share my disdain for Carson, because they decide not to follow through. Instead, they change their methodology a little to find some significant dirt on Carmen. Mary Cherry pulls a crystal ball out of her purse, and they start asking it what Carmen is hiding. Just then, Hellacious enters the Novak. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Hellacious is presenting the crown, there's no need for her to be hanging out at the school for, like, two weeks. It's one thing to peak during your teen years, but hanging out at your old high school while you're pushing fifty is really pathetic. The Nicoles and Mary Cherries of this world would actively be running from this type of woman in shopping malls. They'd hardly be asking someone like this for homecoming queen campaign tips. And Chem is trembling at the sight of her?
Now that Hellacious, too, hates Carmen after Carmen read her, she joins forces with Nicole and Mary Cherry, who are no longer competing against each other but have become co-campaigners for some reason. Their combined dark energy gives them the power to perform a spell. Hellacious is all "deeper! deeper!" while Steve Miller's "Abracadabra" plays in the background. In the crystal ball, an image appears to them of Carmen hugging herself pathetically while whining, "I want to go home. I want to go home." The Blondes and their mentor cackle gleefully.
Remember what hope we had for Sam's hair at the beginning of the season? Dashed. Forever. They're doing that thing again from last season where they part it chaotically and blow it forward over the ears like they're covering plastic surgery scars. Harrison walks up to Sam at her locker. "Please tell me you have some aspirin!" he says desperately, rubbing the outer edge of Sam's locker door with his forehead. Like, due to my sense of hygiene, I was not doing stuff like that at my high school. Sam lends him an aspirin. George, Sam's magical-black-guy boyfriend, walks by and Sam stops him to talk. He totally freezes her out. "How can I apologize to people if they won't even acknowledge my existence?" she practically announces to the entire student body. She turns her attention back to Harrison, who is gulping his aspirin frantically and sweating. "Are you okay?" He tells Sam he has migraines, and that he's out of Vicoburin. Sam tells him to get some more. Harrison explains that he needs to be clean for the drug testing. Sam suggests he get a note from his doctor. Harrison tells her he isn't really seeing a doctor, he's been prescribing himself pills -- something he can get away with because his mother is a pharmacist. Sam reminds him that what he's doing is ill-ee-gul and tells him to go see a real doctor. Harrison blames all his problems on stress due to the presidential elections. "After Friday's vote, I will be fine!" he says, exiting. Sam munches on her lower lip and stares at the bottle of aspirin really hard.
Cafeteria. Josh eats lunch alone, because that's what people do when they're caught with drugs. And you know what's funny? At my high school, you immediately got tons of friends if word got out that you had drugs on you. ["Oh, mine too. Suddenly, you're invited to the parties with the cool kids whose parents leave them alone when they go out of town." -- Sars] Over the loudspeaker, Krupps announces the names of three students being summoned to the office for a "random" drug test. Only the test doesn't seem to be so random, as evidenced by the look of the three kids that are called in. The first name called is Erin Barrett. She looks like a member of Destiny's Child (i.e. she's black). Jennifer Sussman, a white girl with slightly spunky hair. A teenage Dharma, if you will. And Budd Bong, a dreadlocked boy whose name pretty much covers it. "Thanks a lot, Ford!" says Teen Dharma, throwing a roll at him. I love this girl we'll never see again. Across the cafeteria from Josh, Brooke sits idly reading Cosmogirl while her fellow students are being deprived of their civil rights. Josh comes up to her and accuses her of making cough syrup an issue just to get back at him. Brooke insists that the "issue" is really important to her. Josh is all like, "Spare me the propaganda," and gets in her face about how Lily is a more caring person than Brooke will ever be. Brooke gets snippy about how Lily does cough syrup and lets Josh take the rap for it. She gathers her things and leaves, but only after she gets in a parting shot: "Since all the gay chimps in L.A. are free, I'm going to concentrate on helping people."
George is showering in the locker room. Whoa! His tits are almost as big as Jason Behr's this season. He towels off, makes his way towards his locker, and gasps when he sees Sam waiting for him. Sam is all, "I am about to bare all. I figure this way you're forced to do the same." That's cute, Sam. Very Porky's retro. The eighties are back. But may I remind you of an episode called "Booty Camp," where you laid down the law over what met the definition of sexual harassment. And wasn't lurking inside a boy's locker room (in order to confront your so-called boyfriend, who has made it very clear that he wants nothing more to do with you) meeting those very criteria for what sexual harassment is? Just saying. Sam announces emphatically that "I know that I made a big mistake, but Stepford Barbie is gone. Goodbye Aveda, Hello Pert Plus!" So George is all, "How will I know it won't happen again?" Jesus, she got hair extensions, it's not like she's shooting up. Sam tells him that she dropped out of the race. Okay, so let me just get this straight. Sam has a boyfriend who talks her into running for homecoming queen. Then this very same boyfriend dumps her because she wants to win homecoming queen and actually takes steps to make that happen. What has she got to apologize for? Well, except for barging in on him while he's taking a shower? Come to think of it, these two deserve each other. Sam finally "convinces" George to take her back with her desperate gestures. Sam, you're an inspiration to teen girls everywhere. "C'mon over tomorrow," says Sam, zooming in on him for a kiss. "I'll cook you dinner." Carly Pope, consider yourself cast already in a yet-to-be-named project for the Lifetime channel as soon as Popular gets cancelled.
Sam emerges from the locker room some time later -- they don't say how long -- and bounces through the main hall over to her locker. As she giggles to herself over what a naughty girl she is, she bumps into Harrison. He asks for her help preparing for the debate against Brooke. Sam agrees. He also asks her for more aspirin. "That will cost you," Sam says ominously as the opening riff of America's number-one pop single seeps into the soundtrack. And of course I am talking about "Music," by Madonna. And speaking of Madonna, what is with her songs popping up in all these promos for WB shows? I mean, I know that she's technically a Warner Brothers recording artist since they own Maverick and everything, but who is exactly doing whom a favor here? Is the WB jumping on her back, or is she jumping on theirs? She's not actually trying to sell records to the Britney Spears set, is she?
Oh, there was a reason for Madonna's "Music." They're doing a parody of the video. Nicole, MC, and Hellacious are staking Carmen's house out in a white limo that has "hell" written on the side passenger door in red flame-y letters. Inside, the ladies are dressed in "Muff Daddy" drag and eating food out of cans. I can't tell what kind of cans they're supposed to be, but the caption "Bourgeois Stakeout" appears, just like the "acid rock" captioning that appears in the Madonna video. Nicole's outfit doesn't really suit the occasion -- she's wearing one of those narrow-brimmed cowboy hats like the one Brad Pitt wore in Thelma & Louise. Matt Dillon in Tex, I believe, was largely the inspiration, though, for this ensemble. She makes a random comment about Madonna introducing "bourgeoisie" into her generation's lexicon. "This is a stakeout, not a coffee klatch," snaps Hellacious. Mary Cherry aims her binoculars out the window but sees nothing suspicious.
What they don't realize is that Carmen has actually broken into her own house. That's why she's home -- not because she's normally there or anything. She goes straight to her bedroom, where she grabs all of her good clothes. Her hair is insane. It's in all these super-stiff Pompeian curls that look natural from very far away, but up close she looks like Teen Medusa. And this entire scene is done in close-up. Unfortunately, her mother didn't go to tae bo, so she totally walks in with a drink in her hand and starts threatening to call the police. Carmen's all, "Mom, I got nominated for homecoming queen," and asks her to come to the crowning. "Then we could talk or something, you know, the way we used to?" "I got other plans," says Roxanne/Carmen's mom. What is it about Carmen walking voluntarily up to someone each and every week, placing her butt within the arc of someone's kicking foot, and then asking them to kick her? What kind of inspirational behavior is that?
Back at the limo, the ladies see Carmen leaving her house. Mary Cherry screams at Sugar Daddy, their driver, to follow her. As the car jerks forward, they run over a trash bag full of Ferrara garbage, which they find to be full of empty liquor bottles. "Girls," says Hellacious. "We have our smoking gun."
Sam, that crafty open-mouthed vixen, gets Harrison to see a doctor in exchange for her helping him with his debate speech. They sit together in a doctor's office, awaiting the results of some tests. When the doctor, who looks like a slightly older and fatter Eriq La Salle, finally enters the room, he tells them he can't tell them the diagnosis until Harrison's legal guardian is present. Sam is all, "We have a right to know!" The doctor reminds them that state laws forbid disclosing results to a minor without a legal guardian present. Ha. Ha. Sam! As they leave, it becomes apparent to Sam that Harrison has registered with his doctor under a fake name. His alias is Lando Calrissian, and I'm wondering that if has anything to do with the fact that Lando was played by Billy Dee Williams and Harrison is seeing a black doctor. Harrison is psyched that he won't know the results of his test until Monday when his mother gets back. Sam is all pissed off. Outside the doctor's office, Harrison brushes off her concerns.
We haven't seen anyone grovel for the last few minutes, so I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see Lily walk up to Josh at his locker and beg him to pay some attention to her. Josh tells her that he has to watch a drunk-driving accident victim autopsied as part of his drug abuse punishment. "You're mad at me, aren't you?" says Lily. "I'm just disappointed," says Josh. Later, Lily corners Sam at lunch and confesses to her that she's the mysterious "other junkie." She also reveals that Harrison may be on drugs, because his urine tested positive during the whole urine switcheroo. Sam defends Harrison, telling Lily that Harrison is taking pain killers for migraines, not syrup. Lily points out that prescription drugs can be abused just like regular drugs. Sam doesn't want to assume the worst about Harrison. Lily wants them both to come clean just like Josh did.
Carmen and Sam have some fight over something so stupid, I can't even get into it. They finally make up when they see the latest campaign demonstration from Mary Cherry and Nicole announcing that Carmen's mother is an alcoholic. Sam is all, "You guys are such bitches." Nicole and Mary Cherry cackle with delight.
Krupps, Harrison, and Brooke have a tech rehearsal for the debate. There's sort of an amusing new sight-gag, I mean peripheral character, doing lights named Nosferatu. Nosferatu is very goth. He wears make-up and a Statue of Liberty hairstyle. Anyway, Harrison gets all pissed off at the show-biz atmosphere of the debate, and he goes and sits down while Brooke is being "lit." Lily comes up to him, and they have a fight about whether or not they should turn themselves in. Harrison tells Lily that he'll never speak to her again if she rats him out. Brooke hears them. The bright lights start freaking Harrison out, and he becomes irrational.
The Novak. Lily runs in, has a confrontation not worth mentioning with Mary Cherry, and locks herself into a stall. It turns out Carmen is locked inside the stall. They talk about how much their lives suck and decide to do something about it. "It's time to stop living in fear," says Lily. "It's time to fight back," says Carmen. They tear down the Anti-Carmen posters and march triumphantly out of the Novak. Out in the hallway, Sam notices that all her aspirin is missing. She whips out her cell and tries to trick Harrison's doctor's office into thinking she's Lando Calrissian's mother and giving her the results of the test. The ruse doesn't work, because they need Harrison's Social Security number.
Brooke shows up at the autopsy that Josh has to witness. She has some excuse -- she says she has to observe the effectiveness of the Scared Straight program so she can talk about it in her debate -- but Josh accuses her of being there to rub it in. Brooke is all "despite what happens, I still feel for you" and practically tries to make out with him right then and there in front of the cadaver. Lily enters. She explains that she just turned herself into Krupps and she's there to "face their consequences as a couple." "Did you turn Harrison in, too?" says Josh. Lily says no. Brooke is listening from across the room. When Dr. Wing removes the sheet from the cadaver, Josh and Lily start holding hands. Brooke stares at them dolefully, and by the time Dr. Wing pulls out the cranial saw, she has left the room.
Carmen and Chem plaster the school with posters announcing the negative results of Carmen's drug test. Good thing that Pringles don't create a false positive. Carmen leaves Chem alone in the Novak, and she becomes mesmerized by the photos of all the homecoming queens up on the Novak walls, especially the three photos of Hellacious Akers. Chem delivers a monologue to the pictures and doesn't play it for laughs at all. Carmen is listening from outside the door, and they have a talk where they resolve to face down their real enemies or some such nonsense. Oh yeah, and there's another Carrie flashback. Apparently, Hellacious pulled the old "get her elected homecoming queen and drop pigs blood on her at the crowning" on Chem, and this was the inspiration for Carrie by Stephen King. Okay, guys, that's enough Carrie references for today.
Brooke arrives home at the palace to find Sam awash in food preparation. Lots of comedy about how Sam can't cook. "Surely it's not that bad," says Brooke, holding up a copy of a medical symptoms dictionary. Sam explains that she's concerned about Harrison. Brooke offers the explanation that Harrison is addicted to drugs, and brings up his irrational behavior at the tech rehearsal for the debate. Sam defends him, saying she doesn't know what is going on, but she knows that Harrison is not a drug addict. Sam calls Harrison, and they rehash everything about the urine switcheroo, his taking Vicoburin, and the fact that he broke into her locker for the rest of her aspirin. Harrison swears he's not sick or on drugs. Little do they know that Brooke is listening in on another extension.
Sam and George break into the doctor's office and steal Lando Calrissian's files, but they don't tell us what's in them so they can build suspense. It's not working!
Sam has a tearful talk with Jane about what's wrong with Harrison. More building of suspense as they don't mention what's going yet again. Whatever Harrison had, Sam's father had as well. Thankfully, this is the only screen time we are subjected to of either the parents tonight. Jane talks about how hard it was to tell Sam's father "what he had," and hopes that Sam never has to tell someone she loves that they're dying. But Sam does have to tell someone she loves that they're dying. Okay, so Harrison is dying. Then what's with being all suspenseful with the name of the disease? It's not like it matters at this point. We already know that Harrison has a potentially fatal illness -- who cares what it is? God, I hope this plot line is put down like Carmen's pregnancy. Carmen, by the way, would be about six months pregnant by now if she was late back in May, so I think it's safe to say that she's really not going to be pregnant.
Carmen moves back into her mother's house. This prompts her and her mother to have one of those talks that never happen in real life. Mrs. Ferrera admits that she beat on Carmen because when she looks at Carmen, she sees the person she never became. Carmen has her whole life ahead of her, while Mrs. Ferrera's husband has left her for his girlfriend. Somehow, this revelation is supposed to have us believe that Carmen is going to have nothing but love in store for her at home now that Joyce Ferrera has gotten in touch with her feelings and promises to get help for her drinking. I'm so sure.
The Novak. Hellacious, Nicole, and Mary Cherry have stolen the ballot box. Inside, they discover that Carmen has won a landslide victory against the Nicole/Mary Cherry ticket. Hellacious pulls a pile of fake ballots out of her purse and puts them in the ballot box. "We must protect the wall!" she intones. Unfortunately for the Blondes, Krupps and Chem have heard the whole thing because Krupps was fixing the toilet and Chem was listening outside the door. Hey, Krupps? Isn't sneaking into a ladies bathroom and listening to a private conversation considered a form of sexual harassment? Just wondering. Anyway, Krupps delivers punishments on the spot. For Nicole and Mary Cherry, he calls the election in Carmen's favor and decides that their public defeat would be punishment enough. Whatever. Hellacious is stripped of her three homecoming queen titles. Krupps asks Bobbi to do the honors of removing her photo from the Novak wall. Hellacious threatens to have her revenge. Chem punches her really hard in the face.
Empty classroom. Sam tells Harrison "what he has." Yep, they're still trying to build the suspense. So boring. Harrison is totally in denial and walks off to prepare for his debate with Brooke. "Harrison," yells Sam after him. "You can't pretend this isn't hap-a-neen!" Shut up, Sam.
As Carmen packs up all her stuff at Miss Glass's to move home, there's a very special scene between her and Chem that I can't explain or I'll go blind. Basically, Chem gives her her crown privately. Please, don't make me go there?
The debate. The whole school watches in the auditorium. Carmen and Chem sit together. Chem is wearing Carmen's crown. What? Brooke is introduced first. She makes a speech where she exposes Harrison's involvement in Josh's urine switcheroo and claims that he's addicted to Vicoburin. Harrison takes the stand and comes clean about the urine test and the Vicoburin. "I have been taking painkillers…for pain. And the reason is…I have leukemia." I've never seen Brooke look so burnt. He thanks Sam for teaching him to look death straight in the eye, and withdraws from the race. He exits the stage, and Sam takes him to the hospital. The whole audience is totally silent. They just sit there and stare at Krupps and Brooke on stage for a long time.