Boys locker room. Sugar Daddy is standing at his locker sniffing a suit in a dry cleaning bag. When Josh comes over and starts taking off his clothes, Sugar asks Josh if he thinks the suit smells funky. Josh feels that the suit indeed does smell funky. Sugar starts ranting about wearing a smelly suit to the sports banquet tomorrow and how bad the banquet is going to be without Josh there. Josh reminds Sugar that he's suspended from the team due to the whole drug fiasco. Sugar isn't looking forward to speaking in public on Josh's behalf. "Last year I was drippin' with sweat," says Sugar. "I practically shorted the microphone." Josh tells Sugar to forget all about that, "this year, you're standing in for me!" Whatever. So for some reason, Sugar is newly inspired to speak in public because it's all about Josh. Just as Josh reminds him to bring him back some spicy chicken wings, Sugar's suit rips in the back. Ah, I guess these promos were right all week when they promised us an episode all about eating disorders. All we need now is for Brooke to relapse.
Speak of the devil. Brooke gets some things out of her locker at the end of the day. The hallway is empty, and Brooke bends down to pick up an old flyer for her campaign and sees that someone has written "Hypocritical Bitch!" in lipstick to her picture. She swallows whatever feelings she has over this and puts the offending flyer in her messenger bag. On her way out of the building, she runs into Sugar Daddy, who is in the process of throwing out the ripped suit. He quickly covers for himself by explaining that the suit is "too Regis." He also tells her that he's going to bail on the banquet. Okay, we get it. Sugar is feeling too fat to speak in public. "Can I ask you something?" says Sugar to a departing Brooke. "You know that place you went to where they helped you with your weight?" "It's called an eating disorder clinic," says Brooke tartly. "Well, I was looking for a place that would put me on a healthy crash diet," says Sugar. "The clinic's not about dieting," says Brooke. "Listen to me. You have to get beyond the shame and get support. No man is an island, that is the first thing they teach you." Sugar is all, can they really help someone like me? Brooke is like, "I'm a completely different person." Sugar tells her his dream of being able to wear a pair of pants that doesn't have an elastic waistband. Brooke promises to call him later with the number.
The palace kitchen. Brooke is gathering her things for school while Sam eats breakfast. Sam is wearing a baby blue turtleneck under something I can only describe as a Swedish leisure suit. Seriously, she looks like a member of some Polish boy band. It's black and it zips up in the front. Meanwhile, Brooke is wearing a very Gwyneth-looking wine-colored top which matches the wine-colored stain on the walls of the palace kitchen. She asks Sam if she can tag along with her when she goes to visit Harrison in the hospital, because she doesn't want to go alone. "Hospital-phobic?" asks Sam, totally forgetting the shenanigans of last week in which Brooke, in the debate with the entire student body in attendance, totally accused Harrison of doing drugs, to which Harrison replied that he in fact had leukemia, making Brooke look and feel like shit in front of the entire school. No, Sam can't imagine why Brooke might feel odd about going to Harrison's bedside. "I don't know if, uh, Harrison would want to see me," says Brooke. "Brooke?" says Sam, her eyes heavenward and a sneer on her lips. "I think Harrison's got bigger things on his mind than your student council race." Anyway, you know how there are those synthesizers and you can switch it to the sound of just about any instrument like Steel Drum or Tuba? And then there are these other more nebulous options like "Voice of Angels" or "Waterfall"? I swear to God, I think that there is an option on one of the more advanced machines entitled "Anorexia Nervosa." It's a very high-pitched tone and only dogs can hear it, but someone is playing a series of arpeggios in A-sharp minor with it while Brooke is eating Life Cereal straight out of the box.
Misery Loathes Company
Anyway, so Sam, who obviously doesn't yet feel like she's been enough of a self-righteous bee-otch toward Brooke that morning, is looking through the help-wanted ads because she wants to raise a whole lot of money so she can buy Harrison some golf clubs, "something he can look forward to using after his first round of chemo." For those of you who might not be paying attention, golf was a sport that Harrison enjoyed back in the days before a girl named Brooke and a disease called leukemia made life so sucky for him. She finds an ad looking for a teen writer to help write someone's memoirs, and she circles it, because Sam is after all the "teen writer." Too bad there weren't any want ads for "fat girl" back when Carmen's mom kicked her out and she was looking for a job. Anyway, Brooke wonders why anyone would be advertising specifically for a teenager. Sam accuses Brooke of being cynical. "Brooke, face it. You've earned your bile," says Sam. "If I lost an election and got dumped by my boyfriend all in the same week, I would be curled up in a fetal position chewing the drapes." Brooke tries to pretend she's fine with everything, but she's totally in denial. After she exits, Sam calls for the job listing. A "hoity-toity" British-accented female voice answers and instructs Sam to meet her at three in the "girl's loo" of Kennedy High School. When they do a reverse shot to establish who is on the other end of the line speaking to Sam, it turns out to be Mary Cherry, who pushes in the antenna of her cell phone (what, she doesn't have the latest Nokia with the internal antenna?) and cackles evilly to her bad self. Like we couldn't see that coming a mile away. I mean, I can still tell it's Mary Cherry, even with a bad British accent. Oh, I wonder what evil she has in store for Sam, and if it can be enough to make up for these other two cheesy plots.
The Hospital. Nurse Dan, a poor man's Erik Palladino with a backwards baseball cap, wheels Harrison to his room. Harrison is all, "Could you stop this thing and let me walk." Nurse Dan is all, "No can do! Hospital policy." Harrison gets all in his face. Dr. Cheeseball gets all macho on him and is all, "Positive outlook is important to your health blah blah blah." Harrison is all "take me to my room." Poor Man's Palladino is all "whatever." Where is Harrison's lesbian mom? Shouldn't she be taking Harrison to his room or signing him in or something?
In his room, Harrison meets his new roommate, Clarence. Clarence looks just like Harrison, only there are dark circles under his eyes and he's wearing a pylon-orange knit cap and a hospital gown. Clarence is also a born-again Christian. How could I tell? Well, one of the first things he asks Harrison is if he's "been saved," and then in case you got confused and thought he was talking about being rescued from a really really bad boating accident, a little pan over Clarence's side of the room reveals his Angels poster (you know, those two cherubs who are on every Christmas card?) and a painting of Jesus. Oh, and then in case you are still not getting it, Clarence has left a figurine of an angel on Harrison's bed. Harrison picks it up and looks at it scornfully. "You don't like angels?" asks Clarence. "Can't say that I do," says Harrison. "Really?" says Clarence. "I always thought that angels were God's way of saying 'hey there.'" Harrison gives the angel back to him and turns down his offer to attend Clarence's prayer circle. Hey, I've forgotten Clarence's religious affiliation! Wait, I was just reminded of it when Clarence put on a Christian music CD, never mind. Oh, and can I just say that this is such an accurate and sensitive portrayal of an actual born-again Christian. They are so occupied with their love for Christ that they have no sensitivity whatsoever for people with different beliefs. No sirree! Once you've accepted Christ as your savior, you will have no idea how to behave normally around other people. It's just like black people and their love for watermelon and fried chicken -- it just consumes their whole lives. When Harrison asks Clarence to turn down his Christian CD, Clarence puts headphones onand sings alongloudly. Those wacky born-agains!