The Novak. Nicole, Mary Cherry and Brooke -- the original Blondes -- are alone together. Okay, remember that unbecoming haircut that Jodie Foster got in The Accused, after she'd been raped on a pinball machine? You know what haircut I'm talking about -- the haircut that screamed, "I cannot feel any worse about myself as a woman and as a human being, I'm going to get my hair styled so I'll look just like a lesbian cafeteria worker and straight men will leave me alone for the rest of my life!"? Well, Nicole has that very same haircut. What happened? We were seeing some nice hairstyles from her this year! I mean, she's tempered it a bit with some glam make-up, but what possessed her? I'm serious, she looks like someone who'd work in an Alaskan salmon cannery. Oh yeah, and the purpose of this scene is to show that Mary Cherry and Nicole's popularity is plummeting. Everyone thinks that Mary Cherry is a callow retard, and Nicole is no longer a Glamazon. Brooke is also suffering popularity-wise. Her boyfriend is no longer the star of the football team. Since Nicole's popularity depends on Brooke's popularity, Nicole tries to convince Brooke to start dating George, who is, as you'll recall, the new star football player and is basically a black Riley from Buffy. I mean, literally, the man is so dull that you zone out watching him and completely forget that he conveniently fulfills the WB's new racial quota. You'd think he was...well, Josh! Nevertheless, dating George will be the antidote to Brooke's declining popularity, and therefore it will also prevent Nicole's popularity decline osmotically. "I'm sorry guys," says Brooke, wearing a really nice heather-green clingy sweater. "Josh means more to me than power." She exits, presumably to go deliver more pizzas with her man. "She has to remain popular," says Nicole, retouching her opalescent make-up. "Our future depends on it," shrieks Mary Cherry, wearing a black T-shirt that says "I [heart] me." Heh.
Credits.
It's starting to occur to me that Popular is basically evolving into The Dukes of Hazzard. Chem is basically Boss Hogg in a lab coat and a That Girl flip, and this week she's just out to give those kids a hard time just 'cause. Everyone gets Fs on their exams because they have "failed to grasp the fundamentals of chemical compatibility. Oh God, I just had a revelation. What if these things that Chem brings up in her class week after week aren't just the goings on in a normal suburban California classroom? What if there's symbolism lurking inside these "science" lessons? And what if the hidden meaning in these lessons wasn't supposed to be all that hidden? What if this is all some sort of self-conscious cheeky irony that is meeting and yet challenging our expectations of a show that is about teenagers? Nah! I'm sure that it's just a coincidence that Chem is talking about "chemical attraction" just as Brooke and Josh gaze winningly at each other. "Isn't it possible," says Sam, gazing back at George, "that attraction is a mystery even science can't solve?" Nicole chimes in with her theory that attraction is based on free will, and one can either bond with a substance that makes one powerful and explosive or with a substance that makes one inert like table salt. This, of course, is a shout-out to Brooke and her inert "bonding," and it makes Brooke think...hard. Chem then informs the class that a computer will pair them all up tomorrow to see if each couple bonds or repels. As if. Oh, and Sam's hair looks okay right now. They straightened it, it's a little longer, and it's kind of cute. Then again, it's still early in the episode.
Cafeteria. Sam and Carmen sit eating their lunch while Carmen sings that annoying "Sam and George sitting in a tree" song. Sam is all, "Stop!" Carmen is all, "I have never seen you like this: all girlish and stupid." Girlish, no. Stupid, yes. At that, Sam smiles so hard that her gums and teeth threaten to annihilate everything around them with their sheer size and brightness. Sam talks about how attracted she is to George and how great he is. "And he can dance," says Carmen. Um, when have we seen George dance? Or are you just assuming he can dance because...you know, the black thing? And since when do you know from dancing in the first place, Carmen? "I think about him all the time, it scares me," says Sam. "What if my atom were to bond with his but his atom wants to bond with..." "A more magnetic atom like Brooke?" says Carmen. As if anyone wants to bond with Brooke more than Carmen does. This prompts Sam to have an anxiety attack over the idea that George would get together with Brooke, since they're both so popular. Carmen does some "comic" backpedaling. Sam is crushed nevertheless. Carmen shoves some more food into her mouth, because it's very important to remind the viewers that she's fat, in addition to having no impulse control.
Josh and Lily stand to each other in the food line behind a pair of male Siamese twins who are going to be important later, but for now we're just being introduced to them and their Siamese twin-ness. Lily makes a "moooo" sound. Shut up, Lily. Josh asks her what the deal is. Lily explains that she's mooing in honor of the five dead cows that made Josh's leather pants. The camera pulls back to reveal that Josh is wearing leather pants with that polo shirt he always wears. I mean, what is the point of wearing leather pants if you're just going to dress like a preppie jock in the first place? I mean, if money is tight in the Ford household, shouldn't he just get a pair of khakis from Old Navy or something? They're not even particularly tight. Josh actually listens to her diatribe about how intelligent cows are and how people shouldn't eat meat. It makes him think. It even makes him turn down the beef entrée offered up by the cafeteria lady. Don't listen to her, Josh! And whatever you do, don't compliment her breasts!
Kennedy hallway. Josh walks past Brooke and Nicole. He's no longer wearing his pleather pants. Instead, he's wearing a wrap-around skirt. Nicole and Brooke stop and ask him why he's wearing a skirt. Josh explains that he's been hearing cows bells ever since he spoke to Lily, and he had to get rid of the pants. Brooke and Josh get all cuddly right then and there and look forward to being paired off in Chem class tomorrow. Josh exits. Nicole looks disgusted and reminds Brooke that her popularity is slipping as a result of being linked with Josh. Brooke tells Nicole to stay out of her personal life.
Nicole watches as Carmen asks George to breakdance for her and Sam. Yes, that's right, Carmen has asked George to breakdance. Does George tell Carmen to fuck off? No. He actually breakdances for her and Sam. Then Sam joins in, and they are both breakdancing...together. The eighties are back. Harrison joins Nicole, and they both speculate on how long Sam and George will last. Harrison thinks that Chem's assignment will prove that they're wrong for each other. Nicole accuses Harrison of being in love with Sam. Harrison denies it. "Eat me, Nicole," says Harrison. "I'd love to but I'm on appetite suppressants," says Nicole.
Chem leaves her classroom, and Harrison sneaks in to alter the chemical pairings assignments. Nicole sneaks in after him and catches him trying to "break up" Sam and George, who are assigned to be together. "Must be fate, Harrison," says Nicole. "Even the computer places Sam and George together." Harrison tries to deny what he's doing, but Nicole promises to help him get Sam. Nicole sits down at the computer while Harrison plays lookout. "Sorry Brookie," says Nicole, rearranging the assignment. "I'm only doing this for your own good."
What is it about this new Sprite Commercial? I love it.
Kennedy Hallway. The Siamese twins again. Mary Cherry, in an effort to change her image as a retarded, selfish person, has organized a roller disco fund raiser to raise money to get the twins separated. "What if we don't want to be separated?" says one of the twins. "Screw up mah image makeover, freaks, and you'll be going on a double date with mah chainsaw!" says Mary Cherry.
Chem class. Chem reads off who is paired with whom. Brooke is paired with George, much to Sam and Josh's disappointment. Randy and Andy are paired with Carmen -- you know, 'cause she's so fat she's gotta be paired up with two normal-sized men. Nicole is a "free radical" who has to break other atoms apart to survive. Josh and Lily are paired up -- not that I saw that coming a mile away or anything. Sam is paired up with Sugar Daddy -- much to Harrison's surprise -- and Harrison is paired up with Mary Cherry.
Harrison confronts Nicole at her locker and asks why she paired him with Mary Cherry and not Sam. Nicole explains that she wants revenge on Mary Cherry for the knee thing -- still. She tells Harrison to go out with Mary Cherry for a couple of days and then cruelly dump her. To seal the deal, she shows him a copy of his diary that she threatens to distribute among all the Kennedy students if he doesn't. "Ever seen Dangerous Liaisons?" says Nicole. "I'll be Glenn Close. You'll be John Malkovich, and Mary Cherry will be Michelle Pfieffer." Baroque violins swell in the background as Mary Cherry appears before them in a French Pre-Revolution period costume. When the camera pans back to Harrison and Nicole, they too are in costume. "Let the neutron dance begin," says Nicole. Nicole's powdered wig looks insane, like someone stuck her head in a cotton candy machine. They buy the girls Prada and Versace, but does anyone think to get Nicole a good period wig?
Cafeteria. Sam and Sugar Daddy goes over their likes and dislikes. Actually, they go through Sam's likes and dislikes, and Sugar Daddy just goes, "I am repelled by you." Of course, he's supposed to be having a reaction to Sam's likes and dislikes, and not her actual tedious personality and tendency to go from one eye-hurting hairstyle to the , sometimes twice within one episode -- but we can dream, can't we? Sam's likes, by the way are fawns, The New York Times, and Julie Christie. They, of course, forgot to add "being the most dreary and judgy teenaged person alive." Her dislikes are the color pink, lima beans, and communism. I find it hard to believe that Sam wouldn't love growing up in a communist country. In seventies Romania, she'd be a trendsetter. A veritable Julie Nixon of the Iron Curtain, if you will. Sugar leaves the table. Run like the wind, Sugar! With Sugar gone, Sam sits alone and observes Brooke and George, sitting together at their own table and getting along like a house on fire. "Hydrogen, meet oxygen," she says to herself acidly while baring her teeth. Sam, it's not like you had time to date anyway between editing the school paper, making sure your friends feel ethically unfit, getting a completely new hairstyle twice a week, and making sure your mother and stepfather have way more screen time than humanly tolerable.
Harrison and Mary Cherry. Harrison, obviously reading from a list that Nicole gave him, says he likes Donatella Versace, Jim Varney movies, and the cha-cha. His dislikes are sunshine, all-white foods, and Big Bird. Mary Cherry reveals -- surprise, surprise -- that those are her likes and dislikes, too! She's so overjoyed, she pulls out a pinkie ring that she bought him. He hesitates before putting it on. Nicole comes over and makes sure he does. "Oh, you look like a young Liberace!" says Mary Cherry, fag hag that she is. "I love it!" Harrison has this expression on his face like Lou Pearlman just offered him a Quaalude and a place to stay for the night.
Josh and Lily go over their likes and dislikes too. Lily couldn't be more disgusted with Josh's love of Ben Gay. (Or was that code for "a boy named Ben who's gay"?) But when Josh mentions his love for vegetarianism, she crumbles like a single cake of soft tofu. They also bond over loving the movie Planet of the Apes. Lily hails it as an animal rights film, and laments the fate of "Bruce the gay chimp." Apparently, Bruce is a gay chimp who was kidnapped from the arms of his gay monkey lover, Earl, by the town zoo. I suppose they are the door neighbors of L'il Eddie and L'il Babe, the family of lobsters that Lily failed to save last season. Josh is surprised that animals can be gay. "A lot of animals are...omnisexual," says Lily. Yeah, like Sophie B. Hawkins. Josh is moved by the plight of Bruce the gay chimp, and wonders aloud if someone should do something about it. Lily warms to Josh, and her face lights up like the glow of a candlelit Take Back The Night march.
Nicole comes up to George and Brooke's table and sees them failing to bond. To spice things up, she points out how well Lily and Josh are doing. "You know, Lily used to be a lezzie," says Nicole. "Some guys find that hot." She winks at George and leaves the table. Brooke leaves the table too, pleading "distraction." The baroque violins surge as Nicole laughs to herself in her Glenn Close outfit.
No Room at the Inn. Jane is still not dead or living in Hong Kong. She watches Sam try on a "new dress" and asks her where she got the money to pay for it. Turns out that cheeky little Sam swiped Jane's credit card. Okay, well, then who the hell paid for this week's hairstyle? Jane tells Sam that she's going to have to return it "unless it's for [Sam's] first date." Sam confesses that it is indeed for her first date. Implied here, I guess, is the fact that Sam won't be able to return the dress because it will have a stain on it that she'll want to keep around since orgasms are quite rare around her. Jane and Sam have a little mother-daughter bonding session, which Sam ruins by feeling the need to trumpet the fact that George is (gasp) black and that Jane had better not have a problem with that. Jane, of course, is down with the idea that an African-American is dating her daughter. I'm sure that Jane is sincere here, but let's face it: I don't think Jane would object to anyone that got her daughter into a sexual situation that might wipe that judgmental smirk off her face. Sam confesses to her mother that she's concerned that George might be too popular to like her. Jane tells Sam to just be honest with him. Sam reminds Jane that she's not being honest with Mike about their child. Gustave would like to remind Jane that she is currently constitutionally entitled to a safe, legal abortion, but should George W. Bush be elected president in November, she might want to move to Hong Kong and take Mike with her. Sam gets Jane to talk to Mike. They both go back to the Palace.
At the Palace, Brooke and George are not getting along, but it looks like they are when Jane and Sam get there. Sam has a nasty look on her face and starts acting like a harpy. She cancels their date and runs off to use Brooke's sink. Brooke falls for this self-pitying line, follows Sam to the bathroom, and gives her a makeover. She assures Sam that she's happy with Josh and has no plans to take Sam's man.
Mary Cherry and Harrison cha-cha in a nightmare of Harrison's. He wakes up screaming in his bedroom. His phone rings. It's Mary Cherry, wanting to take him shopping. "Rise and shine!" she squeals.
Lily and Josh go to the zoo to rescue Bruce the gay chimp. They hold hands to avoid looking suspicious while waiting for the coast to be clear. This shakes Lily up a little. Finally, they remove the bars of Bruce's cage with a blow torch.
Kennedy hallway. Harrison enters after his shopping trip with Mary Cherry. She's made him dress like a glam rocker. He runs into Nicole and tells her he can't tolerate being with Mary Cherry anymore and wants out of their arrangement. Nicole encourages Harrison not to back down. She gives him hope by telling him that Sam and George cancelled their date. Having accomplished that, she catches up with Brooke and tells her about Josh and Lily. This upsets Brooke and changes her mind about being happy with Josh.
Empty classroom. Lily can't get Bruce a flight to Uganda until Saturday, so she and Josh have to take care of the chimp themselves until then. Josh makes Bruce fall in love with him while Lily starts falling hard for Josh at his willingness to relate to a gay primate. Awww! Not. They kiss, making Mary Cherry the only girl on this show who hasn't hooked up with Josh yet. Brooke catches them. This prompts Josh to break up with Brooke right there on the spot to go out with Lily. Brooke pretends to be cool with it. Later at her locker, she cries on George's shoulder. They agree to go to the roller-skating party together. Unfortunately, when Sam finally comes to her senses and tells George that she's changed her mind and will go to the skating party with him after all, he tells her that he's going with Brooke. Sam gets a pissy look on her face, that I'm sure is a differently nuanced look from the forty thousand pissy looks on her face she's had so far in this episode, but I couldn't really tell.
Mary Cherry and Harrison are in a limo on their way to the roller disco fundraiser to separate Randy and Andy. Harrison is wearing a black turtleneck and a pair of rust-colored jeans. Mary Cherry is wearing leopard-print pants, a shiny fuchsia blouse, and a pair of sunglasses reminiscent of the ones Al Pacino wore in Scarface. She asks Harrison to hold hands with her. He demurs. Mary Cherry pushes her sunglasses to the top of her head and thanks Harrison. Harrison thinks she's talking about the entire jar of Crème de Mer he rubbed into her back earlier that evening. Mary Cherry corrects him. She's talking about the fact that he's nice to her despite the fact that the school thinks she's a retarded freak. Harrison assures her that she's not a real psycho. "It's not like your mom locked you in a dark basement when you were a kid and you had to catch mice to survive," says Harrison, laughing. "Who told you about that?" asks Mary Cherry, being totally serious. Harrison gulps. "I guess what I'm trying to say is," says Mary Cherry, "I know you're name isn't Joe." Harrison asks her why she calls him that. Mary Cherry explains that Joe is her special name for him because he's not like other boys. In order to have a piece of him all to herself, she's given him her own special nickname. Harrison changes his mind and holds hands with her.
Funkytown -- a roller disco. The Kennedy gang are there in full effect, skating to -- what else? -- "Funkytown (Won't You Take Me To)" by Lips Inc. Yeah, disco music still shore is funny. Hey, has anyone seen that new book called Sex, by Madonna. Pretty racy stuff! Chem rolls Bruce the gay chimp around in the rink in his baby carriage. The fact that Carmen can barely skate is covered up (badly) by having her skate past people who can actually roller disco. Give it up -- the world knows that Carmen couldn't even dance in a pair of Keds. Harrison is talking to Randy and Andy, who explain to him that they don't want to be separated. Harrison asks why, and they explain that they are both so taken with Carmen that they wouldn't want to be separate beings and then have to fight over her. Is this where we have to insert that tired joke about there being enough Carmen going around, because it certainly popped into my head, much to my horror. "Some people are just born to be together," says Randy (or Andy). Of course, this prompts Harrison to think about the fact that he might just be made for Mary Cherry. And I guess that's the purpose that this Siamese twins subplot just served, because that's it for Randy and Andy for the rest of the episode. Aw, they were such richly rendered characters.
Okay, who thought it would be a good idea to have Sam in orange creamsicle eyeshadow? I mean, no one looks good in orange creamsicle eyeshadow, and Sam never looks good, period, so I guess someone thought those two facts would somehow cancel each other out. Nah. She sits down with Harrison -- she's here to chaperone Carmen and the twins -- and bemoans once again losing a man to "Arch-nemesis" McQueen. She puts her head on Harrison's shoulder, which makes Harrison observe ironically that you "can't make someone love you." Sam exits, making Harrison feel secretly guilty for causing George and Brooke to hook up in the first place. Before she leaves, Sam hands her motel keys to Harrison to give to Carmen, so I guess Carmen is still rooming with the McPhersons.
George and Brooke put on skates and come to terms with the fact that they don't like each other and they're just here to stir up jealousy for Sam and Josh, respectively.
Harrison and Nicole, in full Dangerous Liaisons costume, observe the damage they have done to all the couples. "Sam and George are over," says Nicole. "Josh and Brooke are over. The only domino left to fall is Mary Cherry." She orders Harrison to dump Cherry now that she's fallen in love with him. Harrison takes the microphone, ostensibly to break up with Mary Cherry publicly. Instead, he announces that Randy and Andy don't want to be separated. He also spills the beans about what he and Nicole did to sabotage Chem's assignment. He apologizes to everyone for his "Malkovichian mistake," and makes a special apology to Mary Cherry, announcing that he's actually glad that they got together. "You are neither callow, nor retarded," he says, asking her to skate with him during the couples-only skating period. Aw!!!!
Lily wants to go home, having learned that her pairing with Josh was a joke. Josh convinces her to stay and skate with him. They skate off into the sunset.
Everyone hates Nicole now. Mary Cherry vows not to speak to her "until Monday." Brooke reads her the riot act. She metamorphosizes into Madame de Populaire again and does a make-up-removing meltdown for the cameras.
No Room at the Inn (for any more people with bad hairdos). Sam answers the door, thinking it's Carmen. It's George. They make up and get it on. No one cares.
The credits roll, but then stop momentarily to show us Jane and Mike making up now that Jane is having a baby. Even fewer people care. HONG KONG! HONG KONG! HONG KONG! HONG KONG! HONG KONG!