Okay, remember how Josh's mom had to leave his father and they moved into a tiny apartment? Well, for some reason, Josh's mother still hasn't called a divorce attorney to get her the alimony she would be entitled to as a result of having put her career on hold to be a wife and mother. Apparently no one has told this woman about California's community property laws, and we are supposed to believe that Mrs. Ford is flailing about trying to raise her son with absolutely no income and a couple of credit cards. Josh wakes up and comes to the breakfast table just in time to hear his mother hanging up with "Venus," her psychic friend. Yes, folks, Mrs. Ford has officially become the kind of poor white trash who calls psychic hotlines. Josh chides his mother for maxing out their credit cards on 900 numbers when she should be finding a job. Mrs. Ford pulls one of those "why are you so angry with me?" passive-aggressive guilt trips. Josh complains about how depressing it is to see his mom so defeated. Uh, Josh? Let me explain to you the concept of "defeated." "Defeated" implies that there was actually a battle of some kind that Josh's mother tried her best to win but didn't. Since there was no such battle and Mrs. Ford basically walked away from a twenty-year marriage to a rich man without securing any sort of financial settlement for herself or her son, the appropriate term here is "negligent," or maybe "stupid."
Josh bemoans the fact that he has to work after school to pay their electric bill -- because on this show an after-school job is a fate worse than death. Even Lily bailed on Mr. Cluck over a year ago, and she manages to carry a cell phone. Mrs. Ford talks about how hard it is to find a job when she failed to get her psychology degree so she could marry Mr. Ford. Uh, Mrs. Ford, when you were studying for this psych degree, did you ever come across the term "parentification," as in what not to do to your child if you want him to be reasonably sane? And while we're on the subject, how about "emotional incest"? Nevertheless, Josh vows to help his mother through this. And yes, the actress playing Josh's mom still looks like the only financial deprivation she's never known was when there was that stock crash in the eighties and she had to watch what she bought at Lacroix.
Kennedy. The Novak. Nicole sits on the ottoman filing her nails and waiting for Mary Cherry. When MC finally appears, Nicole drops her emery board in horror, due to the fact that Mary Cherry's upper lip is the size of a Jimmy Dean pork sausage. The only truly brilliant comic moment on tonight's episode. "What have you done to yourself, Frankenteen?" gasps Nicole. "Be green with jealousy all you want. I know I look like every boy's fantasy," says Mary Cherry. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if this is what Leslie Grossman was talking about in her interview when she said she had to get a mold of her face made for an upcoming episode. Apparently, Mary Cherry was in Buenos Aires, visiting her mother's plastic surgeon in order to steal an x-ray of a good knee that Nicole could use in order to be reinstated to the Glamazons. While she was there, she got something done. "Nic, did you know that 14 percent of all plastic surgery is done on teen girls?" exclaims Mary Cherry. "I'm part of yet another repulsive teen trend!" Unfortunately, Mary Cherry has stolen breast implant x-rays by mistake, and Nicole realizes that there's not enough time to get knee x-rays by Friday's game, so she decides to seduce Krupps to get back on the Glamazons instead.
Krupps enters his office to find the lights dimmed and Barry White music on the turntable. Nicole is waiting for him, wearing lingerie and a feather boa. "You smell like tree shavings," says Nicole seductively. "Do you use Aveda products?" Heh! This is a total shout-out to me, because I just bought the Aveda men's deodorant, and I do in fact smell like tree shavings. ["It's true, folks. He's like a breath of the forest in the naked city." -- Sars] Krupps stops the seduction and reveals that there is a video camera always on in his office to prevent students from doing the old seduce-and-then-blackmail. "Regardless of how attractive I may be," says Vice Principal Krupps, "I would never violate the taboo proscribing faculty/student romance. There's no more insidious corruption of our educational process." Nicole's ban from the Glamazons stands.
Credits.
Kennedy hallway. Josh is sitting on a crowded stairwell, circling potential job notices in the paper. Brooke, who they've put in yet another bucket hat for some ungodly reason (only, this time, the Burberry plaid is in the lining), sits down beside him and reveals that she saw him delivering pizzas the Saturday night. Of course, the way she says it, you'd think he'd been caught luring eight-year-old boys into his van. All of a sudden, all of the extras disappear from the background, and Josh explains that he feels embarrassed about being a "quarterback by day, slice pusher by night." "Are you and your mom having problems?" asks Brooke. Josh goes off on a rant about having to support his mother, help her find a job, skip football practice, keep his grades up, and how scared he is of slipping up. Brooke, as proof of her love, slips Josh the name of a good divorce lawyer. Oh wait, she doesn't. She offers to help him deliver pizzas instead. They cuddle.
Chem class. Mary Cherry attempts to get Harrison's attention by applying lipstick seductively to her newly huge lips. Harrison is scared, but Sugar Daddy is enraptured. Chem calls the class to order and introduces a new student, George Austin. George Austin is a really boring-looking black guy who is apparently quite the football player. Okay, you know how whenever upper-middle-class white women find a black man attractive, they are really vocal about it, like it gives them street credibility to do it with a black man or at least want to do it with a black man -- even if said black man is about as interesting as a slice of toasted Wonder Bread? All of the girls, Browns and Blondes alike, bat their eyelashes and start flirting with him, including Mary Cherry, whose lips freak him out. Even Carmen, all rejuvenated from her abuse story line from last week (which we'll hear nothing about this week), goes, "What a hottie!" George checks Sam out. Sam does this weird thing with her lips, which I guess is supposed to indicate that she's not interested. Her hair continues to suck as the hairdressers attempt to do creative things with volume. She looks like she's playing a scarecrow in a Stevie Nicks video.
Okay, it's time for the Chem/Lily comedy hour, because Chem is doing an experiment involving Agent Orange and some rare bonsai trees. Fortunately for the bonsai trees, Lily has surreptitiously replaced the Agent Orange with orange Hi-C. The class laughs until Chem realizes that Lily put the Agent Orange in a toxic waste barrel that also contained some V05 conditioner, and if they combine, they will explode. Chem tosses the can into the hall and everyone ducks and covers to the accompaniment of the Gap Band's "You Dropped The Bomb On Me."
The Novak. Mary Cherry and Nicole freshen up after the explosion. Nicole keeps carping about not being able to be a Glamazon. Mary Cherry confirms her worst fears: Nicole's popularity is slipping as a result of not being able to cheer, and Brooke and Mary Cherry have been going to the movies without Nicole. To cheer up Nicole, Mary Cherry vows to create a TV ad that "quotes Krupps out of context, distorts his record and exposes his lurid sex life." Nicole points out that they don't have that kind of footage. "Then we'll make our own," says Mary Cherry in her diabolical voice.
Sam and Lily walk down the hall. Sugar Daddy taunts Lily: "Well, if it isn't Lily 'The Bomb' Esposito!" "It was an accident!" whines Lily. "Fight the power!" says Sugar Daddy. Heh! They walk down the hall some more and bump into George. He checks out Sam. Sam shoots him this look like someone farted. "He is fine!" says Lily, all proud of herself for not only liking a man, but a man of color to boot. Sam is critical of Lily for liking an "empty-headed jock." Lily accuses Sam of being "judgy," which, if not for the fact that Lily is saying this, has opened up a hole in the space/time continuum, it was such a moment of truth. Sam tells Lily that she suspects that George is getting special treatment as a jock, since he was allowed to transfer into Kennedy one month into the semester -- right before a football game. I guess Sam still edits the Zapruder, because Mr. Krupps stops Sam and asks her to write -- what else? -- a profile of George for the paper, so that Sam and George can have a meaningful interview where they fight, make up, and then make out, and Sam can be a checkerboard chick. Actually, Mr. Krupps doesn't actually give that as a reason for putting George and Sam together, but, having seen a few episodes of Popular in my life, I don't think he has to. Sam is all excited about exposing the truth about jock culture. If we never see another plot driven by Sam's "investigative journalism," it will be too damn soon. ["It's this or the parents, dude. Call it." -- Sars]
Football field. Shitty practice. The coach -- not the old fat homophobic coach from last year, but a new, cuter coach played by Eric Mabius, who looks like he's never seen a football game before, let alone coached a team -- orders everyone to do some drills. He's wearing this Gap pocket tee, and has a whistle around his neck like a Chelsea queen. "Not so fast, Ford!" he says, beckoning Josh over and wanting to know why he isn't doing so well out there on the field. Could you be any more in love? Josh mentions his problems at home and how he needs to take off practices to earn some extra money. Coach Big Cup promises to help Josh out and asks him what his mother "does." Josh doesn't tell the exact truth, because that would be "sitting around the house all day long talking to telephone psychics," or "catering to Josh's every whim while looking distracted and on the verge of tears." Josh tells Coach Bug Cup that his mother studied Psychology in college. Coach Big Cup looks off into the distance like he's cruising some go-go boy in a nightclub and tells Josh he'll figure something out, because the Principal is, after all, his brother. "Which has got to count for something besides being a pain in my ass," he says, gazing at Josh playfully. In one of those moments that never happens in real life (or whatever porn film this dialogue is borrowed from), Josh asks the coach if any of this would involve nepotism or favoritism towards athletes. "How can helping a friend be wrong?" says Coach Big Cup. "Thanks, K.C.!" says Josh, giving Coach Big Cup a manly yet playful punch on the shoulder. As soon as his fist lands on the coach's shoulder, Coach Big Cup's eyes light up with love, but then he gets all fickle and starts to gaze upon George Austin, who is out on the field "hustling." "Do you see the rocket on Austin?" says Coach Big Cup. Rocket? "Trust me, things are going to turn around for this team." He runs off to be with Austin and Josh is all, damn! Coach Big Cup throws his arms around Austin and goes, "Where'd you learn to throw like that? NASA?" Sugar Daddy comes up behind Josh, and they have this Oz-meets-Melrose Place moment of "who's the new punk?" and checking George and the coach out....hard!
Sugar Daddy sneaks into an empty classroom, sits down, and whips out a porn magazine called Kiss Off, which features really big-lipped women preening for the camera. That's not porn, Sugar Daddy, that's just about any fashion magazine you could buy at a newsstand in Moscow. Literally the second I start thinking, "Gee, I wonder where this is going," Nicole and Mary Cherry burst into the classroom and start demanding that SD follow Principal (Vice Principal?) Calvin Krupps around with a hidden camera and dig up dirt on him. Sugar is barely paying attention to Nicole's demands, he is so fixated on Mary Cherry's newly plump lips. "Sugar, stop staring at Mary Cherry like she's a Hot Pocket and listen!" Heh! Sugar says no, making a crack about not wanting to be a hack like Joel Schumacher. "Sugar D, look at my new lips," says Mary Cherry, applying more lipstick. "I am one sexy poutin' lay-dee!" "I will help you," says Sugar Daddy. "If I can lose myself in the pillowy softness of Mary Cherry's lips." Mary Cherry is horrified. "I'm holding out for Joe or Justin Timberlake!" Mary Cherry insists, but the deal is done. That really awful "Horny" song from the strip-club episode, sung by that same gay guy, plays in the background. Thankfully, we are spared the sight of Sugar Daddy enjoying Mary Cherry's Posturepedic mouth.
Chem class. The class is dressed in the kind of space suits they had to wear in Outbreak due to the contamination left behind by the explosion. Heh. Chem taunts Lily some more and announces that students will be forced to double up with their lockers, because the explosion ruined half of the lockers in the school.
Surprise! Surprise! George has Sam's locker. They stand in front of it and exchange really really bad Hepburn-Tracy "we really want each other but we can't help but fight" barbs. They introduce themselves to each other, and Sam doesn't make eye contact with him, which is so annoying. She asks him for an interview to go with the profile she's writing. "Read my eyes -- the key to a man's soul." Shut up. He "takes a pass." Sam is disappointed, and all disgusted at the crusty cleats in her locker.
George walks past Josh and Brooke, and Josh starts complaining about how George made varsity as a freshman and got his jacket within a week of transferring into Kennedy. "It took me a whole season to earn mine," whines Josh. Mrs. Ford, enters wearing a baby blue Dacron turtleneck. "Say hello to Kennedy's new guidance counselor!" says Mrs. Ford. "Say goodbye to any expectations of decent counseling from a Kennedy faculty member," says Gustave. Sam walks by, sees the whole thing, and -- imagine -- makes a morally indignant face. And just in case we don't get it, Sam writes "nepotism" in her notebook and underlines it twice.
Mrs. Ford, who is surprisingly busty in her turtleneck for such a lady who lunches, walks into the new teachers' lounge -- the old one blew up during the explosion -- and starts chatting with Coach Krupps, who is getting himself some coffee. As soon as Mrs. Ford realizes that she's talking to the man who got her current job for her, she starts glancing at his package and being all perky and animated. Coach Big Cup starts checking her out -- but really not half as much as he checks out her son. Mrs. Ford flirts back -- but not half as hard as she flirts with her own son. Coach Big Cup tells her to call him if she ever needs a male perspective on raising a son. Whatever. They sip their coffee and practically spit it out. They decide to go to a Starbucks off-campus and get a decent cup of coffee. Oh la la.
Cafeteria. Sam wears a gunny sack with camouflage paint on it and complains bitterly about George not wanting to be interviewed. Lily listens, but tries to discourage Sam from exposing the sports nepotism thing. George enters and tries to sit with Sam and Lily. Sam is all in his face: "Sorry, but I'm going to have to 'take a pass.' Besides, you people sit over there." "'You people'?" says George right back at her. Of course Sam means the jocks, but he thinks she means "black people," even though, in her defense, there are no black people at this school. No wait, I think I see a tiny table off in the corner with Lady T, Miss Ross, and Mr. Wedding Planner. "I meant with the cheerleaders," says Sam. "Sure you did," says George, reminding her that stereotyping him as a jock is just as "racist" as stereotyping him as a black person. Well, actually, it's really not, but if it gets Sam off her high horse, I'll back him up.
Sugar follows Principal Krupps around the cafeteria with his hidden camera. In the Novak, Mary Cherry and Nicole watch on a monitor.
More football stuff. Boring. Boring. Boring. Struggle between Josh and George. Coach Krupps isn't there. Josh finds him in his office, reading Mrs. Ford's palm. Josh complains about George's lack of respect -- and about the fact that Coach Big Cup is romancing his mother. He stomps off, vowing to take care of the discipline problem himself. Mrs. Ford and Coach Big Cup have no shame. They're totally peeved at Josh for interrupting them.
Sugar Daddy follows Coach Krupps into the locker room while he showers. Krupps thinks he's being propositioned, and politely turns Sugar down. The whole thing is caught on Sugar's hidden camera. Nicole and Mary Cherry watch from the Novak, pleased with themselves.
Another confrontation between Sam and George outside their locker. Sam apologizes for the jock comment. "Don't hate me because I acted like a moron," says Sam. "Okay, I can hold off for one more day," says George, accepting the apology. I can't hold off for one more day. He agrees to Sam's second request for a second interview.
The interview. More flirting. Ew. George tells Sam that he transferred because his father got a new job, and the family moved. Josh sees the interview from across the room and gets even more paranoid about George stealing his spotlight. He walks over and starts a fight with George. Sam tries to break it up. They fight. Principal Krupps breaks it up and wants to know who started it. Sam has the exchange on tape, so Josh confesses. Principal Krupps is like, "Move your butt now!" Sugar Daddy gives them a big long look of concern.
Josh is in his mother's office, and she bawls him out for getting himself a three-day suspension. Josh is all, "You can look for more fights, you can bet on it." Mrs. Ford is like, "Why?" Josh is all, "Because of you and Coach Big Cup!" Mrs. Ford is amazingly indignant over Josh being upset about her and Coach Krupps, considering that Josh has every right to be completely not down with this. Brooke walks into the office and, right in front of Mrs. Ford, goes, "I just heard you got suspended." Mrs. Ford tells Brooke to "talk some sense into him" and leaves Josh and Brooke alone in her office. Whatta bitch! Brooke tells Josh to look on the bright side of things. He'll only be out one game. Josh goes, "I'll be back sooner than that," and stomps off.
Nicole shows Principal Krupps the tape she made, which is really funny, but I can't do it any justice by describing it scene by scene. Basically, they take a bunch of things Calvin Krupps says and edit them to make it look as though Krupps is sleeping with Nicole. Nicole threatens to show the tape to the PTA unless Calvin reinstates her to the Glamazons. She leaves after telling him to have a written statement of her Glamazon membership ready in time for the game.
Josh speaks to the entire team except George and tries to get them to stop George from being the star quarterback of the team. For some reason, Sam just happens to be sticking her microcassette recorder through the transom of the boys locker room when this coup takes place. Unfortunately for Josh, the team sees Josh's actions as selfish, and no one goes along with him. They all storm out, and Josh is stunned.
Sam and George meet in the hallway, and George invites Sam to see his debut as quarterback in today's game. Sam tells him she's got an even bigger news story and gives him the blow-by-blow of the whole failed coup. "Did you know that Mrs. Ford is dating Coach Krupps, who could be her son?" Sam, Josh Ford's mom is dating her son! "Don't you think a lot of people could get hurt from that article?" asks George. "Josh is going through a tough enough time as it is." Sam is all, "I am a reporter and I have an obligation to the truth." For some reason, George confides in Sam that he was indeed recruited and he was basically lying to her in the cafeteria. That's fine, George. I didn't care about you when I thought you'd just moved. I don't care about you now that I know you were recruited. Anyway, Sam's article exposing sports favoritism, warns George, would bring George down along with Josh and Coach Krupps. Then George wouldn't be able to stay in a better school and have a better opportunity for higher education. He stomps off, leaving Sam with a moral dilemma that no one watching really gives a flying crap about.
Nicole shows up at Krupps' office to get her papers reinstating her to the Glamazons. Principal Krupps invites her in, but Nicole discovers that Mary Cherry and Sugar Daddy are already in his office and they've ratted Nicole out. Mary Cherry's lips are back to normal. Sugar got to keep the collagen in exchange for ratting on Nicole. "Color me apologetic," says Nicole. "Can I go now?" Krupps gives her a week's suspension and permanent expulsion from the Glamazons. The camera zooms in on Nicole, who is not taking this very well at all.
The football game. As if anyone really cares. Kennedy is getting killed. Josh listens on the radio from Mrs. Ford's tiny apartment. He turns it off and apologizes to his mom for not being accepting of Coach Krupps as his mother's lover. I have no idea why he feels he needs to apologize to his mother, but she accepts the apology while she does some ironing "Just don't make out with him in the halls," says Josh. Josh is upset that he can't pass along some vital information to the football team that would help them win. The vital information is to "keep the ball on the ground." As if football games are won and lost over general strategies like that. Josh wants to let his team know this crucial piece of information, but it would be against the rules. "When it comes to helping people out," says Mrs. Ford, "rules shouldn't matter." And speaking of rules to disregard, Josh and his mother make out some more.
Josh runs to the game and tells George to keep the ball on the ground. This actually wins the game for Kennedy. Right. The coach hugs Josh. Everyone loves Josh again. Josh and George give each other the thumbs-up. No one cares.
George and Sam have another locker moment. Sam tells him that she's killing her story on him. "If I ran an article about all the taboo breaking around here, I'd be a big fat hypocrite," says Sam. "Since I'm about to break one myself." George doesn't understand. "What taboo are you about to break?" asks George. "The one that says reporters don't date their sources," says Sam. Oh la la. At this point, Sam's hair has gotten the biggest it's been this entire episode -- in fact, it's been growing all throughout this episode. It's like the thrill of being hot and nasty and dating a black guy has made her hair stand on end.
Josh gazes at the trophy case in the empty front hallway when he hears crying coming from the Novak. He walks in to find Nicole crying. They bond. More about Nicole's past as a fat, unloved loser. Blah blah blah. Not half as good as the Christmas episode. Roll credits.