No Room at the Inn, the motel where Sam and Jane live. No really, it's called that. There's a knock at the door. Sam comes out of the bathroom to answer it, her hair wrapped in a towel, causing the viewers at home to lean into their television sets, all anxiously pondering the same question: will her hair suck tonight or won't it? And this towel is delaying our gratification. She answers the door and it's Penny, the cute neighbor with all the sassy lines from upstairs played by a twelve-year-old Janet Jackson. Oh wait, it's Carmen. And no sassy lines, or any sassiness whatsoever. She needs a place to stay. "My house is a war zone," she explains. Her parents are fighting. As she takes off her jacket, she's got a tank top on underneath, and there's a bruise on her arm that she hides just before Sam can turn around and see it -- in the unlikely event of Sam actually noticing something happening to someone else. But then it's hard to say that even Sam could miss the bruise on Carmen's arm with that wide-eyed look Carmen gives herself in the mirror and that serious synthesizer music building in the background. Oh yeah, and I thought I'd mention that there is this seriously cool mural on the motel room wall.
Jane is in a hospital gown in a doctor's office, and I really couldn't care less about her health. Actually, I do care about her health -- which is to say that I want her to die really soon, hopefully in an accident that that Mike is killed in as well. Oh, and it would be perfection if the funeral were held that very episode so the writers could get their existence out of the way really really fast. Damn. Jane doesn't have cancer but she's pregnant. Now those parents are never going to die. Jane is really upset that she's with child and gets to do a little "desperate single woman of a certain age" comedy about it. I can't blame her. Look who popped out last time this happened.
Credits.
The Palace kitchen. Brooke makes breakfast for her father, but Brooke can't cook so they do a little stock domestic comedy of their own. Brooke asks Mike if she can call Jane and ask her to come over and make breakfast. Dude, it's just breakfast, grab a bagel at a diner or something. "No!" shouts Mike, as if Jane, having just caught him doing it with Peggy Lipton, is just dying to come over and serve him a hot breakfast. "I miss her!" says Brooke. Mike reminds her that she forgot all about her while Peggy Lipton was in town. "I'm late," says Brooke, flinging her nasty-looking Burberry plaid backpack over her shoulder and doing the Brooke stomp out of there. "It's only seven-thirty," says Mike. "I'm taking a prep seminar for the S.A.T.," says Brooke. "I really hope they don't have any questions about family on it because clearly I don't know how they work." They fight some more and she stomps off. End this plot line, now!
Sam's hair makes an appearance -- the towel is off and she's getting ready for school -- and it's just so wrong. Is there something in Carly Pope's biological make-up that makes her body repel good hair styles? I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's the same cut from last week, but it's a tiny bit longer, and it's been blow-dried out but not completely -- sort of like her stylist had to go take an important phone call in the middle of the blow-out and just forgot all about her after he'd only done half of her hair. While she gets ready to go to her S.A.T. prep seminar, Carmen is sitting in front of the TV wrapped in a bedspread like she's never going anywhere. Oh yeah, and she's chowing down on an entire can of Pringles, because it's important to remember that she's fat every once in a while. Jane wants to know when Carmen is leaving. Sam shushes her mother, telling her that Carmen is clearly upset. Actually, Carmen is feeling no pain, judging from all the snorting and Pringles crumbs flying from her mouth. Sam leaves for her seminar, and Jane becomes strangely fascinated by the movie that Carmen is watching, which turns out to be Yours, Mine and Ours, the Lucile Ball/Henry Fonda movie about these two people who have eleven kids from marriages and then have another baby themselves. She grabs a Pringle or two and sits down to Carmen.
Chem's class. As she happily cleans beakers before school, her rich Uncle Tipton appears. Of course, he's played by Diane Delano dressed as an Australian Norman Mailer wannabe from the outback. He explains that he's visiting a luncheon meat convention. Uncle Tipton is concerned about the preservation of the Glass family name, because he's very interested in hearing about how many kids Bobbie has. Bobbie lies to make him happy and tells him she has one kid. He's so pleased that he gives her a diamond and congratulates her on passing down the family name. Her plan backfires, though. He wants to meet the kid. Okay, hello? Since when do relatives drop in on you during work hours, and also, what happened to nurse Jessie? And speaking of Chem's living situation, did anyone explain where Chem is living now that we've established that she could probably never go home to Nurse Jessie again? And we love that Diane can do all this visual transformation and master accents and stuff like that, but this Uncle Tipton from the outback subplot is not very inspired.
SAT Seminar. Some woman of a certain age, complete with a John Sahag dye job and a sexy Calvin Klein knit dress with a long black cardigan over it, is presiding over the class like she's Sharon Stone at an AIDS benefit. If you're so great, Miss Thing, why are you teaching an S.A.T. seminar to bunch of Southern California high-school kids? Brooke, who is wearing a really strange grey-blue shirt with elastic gathers in the sleeves that kind of makes her look like she has scales all over her shoulders, asks Not Candace Bushnell about Yale's S.A.T. standards. This prompts Sam to snap her fat half-blow-dried head around and raise an eyebrow in astonishment at the idea of Brooke wanting to move across the country to go to college. Apparently, Sam isn't just determined to get the stepfamily back together; she wants Brooke to be her bosom sister even after high school is over. Sam thinks that Brooke owes her an explanation right then and there, so they have an exchange about the fact that Brooke wants to be far away from all the family drama. Cut the cord, Sam.
When Sam finally does turn around in her seat -- ostensibly in order to face the teacher, who has not busted Sam's ass for having a complete conversation in the middle of a class -- Lily and Harrison, who are sitting on the other side of her, have to ask Sam where Carmen is. Sam tells everyone that Carmen is back at the motel, wrapped up in a bedspread "chain-eating Pringles," and that definitely means that there is something wrong with Carmen because never ever in a million years do we ever hear about Carmen eating. Oh sure, Carmen is the fat girl, but the writers have spent so much time making Carmen into a richly developed, not to mention sassy, character that if they've ever shown Carmen eating anymore than seven or eight times per episode, I really haven't noticed. So this particular moment with Carmen eating Pringles is really kind of different from all those other times that Carmen snarfs down some high-carb food. Clearly, it's the bedspread and the bagging of the early-morning SAT class that turns it all into a cry for help. And now with this whole child-abuse plot line? I cannot imagine how much more sassier and empowered they can possibly make Carmen. Maybe if they got her to join a cult?
Kennedy Hallway. Chem stops studly Vice Principal Calvin Krupps in the hallway and asks him to marry her. Calvin, who's all into exploiting the obvious comic potential of a dilemma over what to say to a big ugly hermaphrodite who has just proposed to him, gets Chem to explain that she needs to appear like a family woman in order to remain in favor with Uncle Tipton. If Calvin pretends to be her husband, she will inherit Uncle Tipton's large fortune when he dies. Calvin does not approve of Chem's idea, prescribing a more honest approach and refusing to marry her. Chem's dreams of an early retirement spent at celebrity golf tournaments are momentarily dashed.
Brooke approaches Not Candace Bushnell and they start bonding over being well dressed, blonde, perfect, and troubled. Is Brooke even vaguely disturbed that her role model is one of those people who went to law school and now teaches S.A.T. prep courses to high-school students? Believe it or not, no. In fact, Brooke totally asks this woman how she can become her. Not Candace Bushnell explains that she left her cushy law job so she could make a difference in young people's lives. Um, Not Candy? If you want to make a difference in kid's lives, become a teacher, not an S.A.T. coach.
Carmen finally arrives at school, wearing a kerchief over her head which makes her look like Willie Nelson or an extra in Fiddler on the Roof. Sam and Lily confront Carmen at her locker over not being in the SAT prep class. Carmen is non-communicative. Sam actually reaches into Carmen's locker and pulls out a blood donation pamphlet. The girls find out that Carmen is selling her blood for extra cash so she can get enough for an apartment deposit. They want to know why Carmen is leaving home. Carmen is vague. She needs her space. Sam and Lily are concerned.
"Money Money Money" by Pink Floyd plays in the background as Chem asks Harrison to help her fool Uncle Tipton. More examination of the hilarity that ensues when a freak like Chem comes on to someone "cute." Harrison refuses and runs off, horrified. Nicole comes along and offers to help out. For a price.
Not Candace Bushnell and Brooke decide to have lunch together off school grounds, so they end up at this place with red vinyl banquettes that looks like one of those steak houses or Italian restaurants that are always filled to capacity with divorced fathers having a partial-custody-sanctioned meal with their pre-teen kids. But the place is actually supposed to be really swinging and full of hot sexy single adults, because Brooke is all, "This is so cool!" and ersatz-Carrie Bradshaw is checking out the room, ordering multiple Bloody Marys, and flirting with the waiter. The ladies bond some more over having selfish mothers, and, having gained Brooke's confidence, Not Candace encourages Brooke to do some coke off the cod piece of a Colombian drug lord and then service every single male in the room. I mean, she encourages Brooke to have some Irish coffee, which Brooke doesn't realize to be an alcoholic beverage. Brooke wants to know where Not Candace's self-confidence comes from. Not Candace claims it's because she keeps as far away from home as she possibly can. Two men are checking out the ladies. Not Candace revels in the attention, much to Brooke's disillusionment.
Yay! More stunt casting! Carmen's mother is played by Susan Ruttan from L.A. Law. Jane, who forgot to comb her hair or something, drops by the Ferrera household to talk to Carmen's mother. Roxanne Melman isn't concerned about Carmen being gone. She acts spacey and mentions that her husband left last night, alluding to their children complicating the marriage.
Kennedy hallway. Harrison tells Lily about Chem's proposal that he be her baby. Lily wants Harrison to say yes to get money for Carmen. At first Harrison is dubious. He really doesn't want to be a part of Chem's charade. Lily convinces Harrison that Carmen is in huge trouble and really needs financial help.
Chem Lab. Harrison tells Chem that he's changed his mind. Chem is no longer interested because she's got Nicole's help. She stares at her diamond.
No Room at the Inn. Jane brings home a pizza for Sam, who is astonished that half the pizza is gone. This of course means that her mother is very upset, because people who eat pizza by themselves in the car are obviously disturbed individuals. Jane vows to order another entire pizza for Carmen (don't even get me started) and tells Sam about her concerns about Carmen. Jane tells Sam that Carmen's parents split up, and therefore Carmen needs to go home to be with her mother. Sam asks Jane how she knows that would be a good thing. "I'm a mother and I know when someone needs their kid," says Jane, her voice cracking. "Like now. I'm pregnant." Sam throws a big temper tantrum over how irresponsible her mother was to get knocked up. In order to placate Sam, Jane sees it as appropriate to tell Sam that Sam herself was "an unplanned pregnancy." Sam is all freaked out that she was an accident. I would have thought that "disaster" would be a more appropriate term.
Nicole and Chem reenact that scene from Green Card where they exchange vital information (allergies, favorite colors, length of labor, et cetera) to prepare for Uncle Tipton's visit. When Chem tells Nicole that she sleeps in the nude, Nicole has had enough personal information for one day and is about to walk. Chem gets her to continue by reminding her of all the money Uncle Tipton has.
Back at the restaurant for divorced fathers and swinging singles, the yuppies have joined Brooke and Not Candace Bushnell. Not Candace gets drunker and drunker and flirts up a storm with the men and lies to them, telling them that Brooke is a student at Ethel Kennedy College. One of the yuppie guys asks the ladies to come back to his place. Dude, it's the middle of the afternoon. Not Candace agrees, much to the horror of Brooke, but before the situation can get any worse, Candace passes out while the yuppies are getting their car. The waiter helps her into the car, and Brooke drives her home.
Kennedy hallway. Nicole and Chem walk past, thick as thieves. Harrison and Lily figure out that Nicole is Chem's surrogate child. They vow not to give up.
Brooke gets stopped by the police while driving Not Candace Bushnell's car. Turns out it's a stolen car. The police arrest Brooke and Not Candace.
No Room at the Inn. Carmen's found an apartment in Anaheim. Sam tells Carmen that her parents are divorcing. Carmen freaks that Jane and her mom talked. Carmen packs her stuff. Sam, exhibiting the most stupidity I've never seen, pleads with Carmen to go back home, saying that although Carmen's father has a bad temper, he always gets over it. You see, we're supposed to be thinking that Carmen's dad is the one abusing Carmen, so it's going to be a big surprise when it's Susan Ruttan. The phone rings. It's Brooke, calling from jail.
The exact same table at the exact same restaurant where Brooke and Not Candace had their disastrous lunch. Uncle Tipton, Chem, and Nicole have dinner. Nicole is dressed just like Chem, in a grey lab coat with slicked back hair with a flip at the end. Nicole charms the pants off of Uncle Tipton and is rewarded with a gift -- a huge salami. Insert phallic joke about salami here. Oh wait, insert a couple, because the writers have.
Jail. The Slammer. The Can. The Pokey. After a forgettable bickering session between Brooke and Not Candace, Sam appears in front of them, escorted by the warden. The police have found that Sam was trying to use her mother's credit card to bail Brooke out, and for some really dippy reason, the warden confronts Brooke about this with Sam in tow. Of course, this is all meant to promote a discussion between Sam, Brooke, and the warden over who Sam and Brooke are to each other, since they're not technically family, even though deep down inside they really are. Instead of hauling Sam's ass out of there and charging her with using a stolen credit card, the warden stands there and listens to this whole exchange. Not Candace Bushnell, who I'm starting to like, complains bitterly about having to hear the whole damn story again. "Please get to the part where I'm sitting comfortably at home enjoying a Lean Cuisine," she moans. Heh! Oh Candace, we feel your pain -- you have no clue how much. Brooke is then informed by Jane and Sam about Jane's pregnancy. Brooke is excited -- no doubt because nothing repairs a problematic relationship like an unplanned pregnancy.
Back at the restaurant. Nicole has just about convinced Tipton to send them to Hawaii when Lily, dressed as a man, comes to the table and introduces herself to Tipton as Nicole's brother Lyle. Lily tells horrible stories of her childhood and her sex-identity crisis. Tipton is moved by her story and starts donating money to the teen shelter where "Lyle" lives. Lily craftily tells Tipton to make the check out to Carmen Ferrera.
The Pokey. Sam is, for some reason, still allowed to hang out outside of Brooke's cell while Jane goes to make bail. They discuss the baby. Sam's whole "accident" complex is resolved when Brooke explains to her that although Jane's baby is an accident, her father would see it as "something that came at just the right moment." This brightens up Sam's life.
Jane comes home to her hotel room just in time not to see Carmen's bruised arm. Carmen tells Jane that Brooke is in jail. Jane tells Carmen to go home. "Your mother needs you!" Yeah, as a punching bag. You see, we're still not supposed to know that Carmen is being abused by her mother.
Nicole is outraged by Lily ruining her Hawaiian trip and reveals to Uncle Tipton who Lily really is. Lily reveals who Nicole is, and the jig is up. Tipton is disgusted with Chem. Lily and Nicole defend her. He leaves. Lily, Nicole, and Chem eat their meal in peace as though they actually were a family.
Jail. The Slammer. The Can. The Pokey. Jane and Sam come to bail out Brooke. Jane introduces herself to the warden as Brooke's mother, which pleases Brooke to no end. Not Candace is bitchy, and her mood worsens even more when the warden tells her that she's calling her supervisor at work -- as if a prison warden does stuff like that. Brooke apologizes to Jane, and she and Jane vow to keep Jane's pregnancy and Brooke's jail time a secret from Mike. "Some accidents can be happy," says Sam. They leave the prison arm-in-arm.
No Room at the Inn. Carmen calls her mom. Through their conversation, it becomes clear that Carmen's mother is the batterer. Nevertheless, Carmen is all apologetic about inspiring her mother's abuse and asks if she can come home. Roxanne holds a cocktail in her hand and remains strangely indifferent to Carmen's plea. She tells Carmen not to bother coming home. Okay, I realize that I'm going to hell for being unmoved by Carmen being abused and then thrown out of her house, but I am. I am also starting to think that maybe Carmen really isn't pregnant, and that all those spoilers we were hearing last year about a pregnant Carmen on the Glamazons will never come to fruition.