Sam and Brooke are sitting in chemistry class during those few extra moments before class starts, and before any of the other students have shuffled in. Brooke wants Sam to keep her move to San Francisco secret. Sam tells Brooke sternly that she's not really going anywhere. On one hand, Sam is in major denial and totally out of line -- who the hell does she think she is telling Brooke to choose Plain Jane over her own natural mother, when Brooke has been forthright from the very beginning about how much she misses Kelly? On the other hand, Sam is absolutely correct: Brooke isn't going anywhere. She's the fucking star of the show! I mean, remember when Shannon left ? People from Third World countries with no goddamn electricity knew that Shannon was feuding with Aaron Spelling and that her days were numbered on "the zip." But anyway, for the sake of suspension of disbelief (or whatever), let's just pretend that we've never seen a television show before and that Brooke may actually move. Oh God, mayhem at Kennedy High! My eyes! My eyes!
Memo to costume and hair people: Brooke looks boss right now in her black jeans and a pale aqua oxford-cloth shirt which seems to come from the boys department of Brooks Brothers. Her hair is also thankfully free of all the grease and "creative" "braiding" that plagued her 'do last year. When styling Brooke for future shows, please make note of her current look and try to recreate this as closely as possible, only without that zig-zag part. Thank you, Gustave.
The rest of the students shuffle in, and then finally Bio enters wearing a grey lab coat. ("Hey, um, I was just thinking that, uh, now that I'm in the credits and everything that maybe I could, you know, wear something besides a white lab coat, uh, I was just kinda thinking…") I just realized that it's probably not all that appropriate to call Bio "Bio" anymore because she's teaching chemistry this year, so from now on, I'm calling her Chem. Chem explains that she was watching "a raunchy teen music channel," which inspired her to give the class a special assignment. They cut to a reaction shot of Josh, which I guess is a shout out to Bryce Johnson's stint on MTV's Undressed. Now I have to confess here that I saw an episode of MTV's Undressed just a few weeks ago for the very first time, and frankly I found it to be so evil that I was having those weird thoughts that made me feel very old. Like, I was practically shaking my head and mentally writing one of my congressmen a letter in which I suggested a ban on suggestive television, curfews for teenagers, and mandatory school uniforms.
Turns out that this glimpse into the relaxed morals of television content aimed at teenagers has inspired Chem to teach the kids firsthand about the responsibilities of parenting. Okay, you know that special episode that every single TV show has done from Buffy on down to Square Pegs? The "this egg is your baby" special episode? Well, now Popular wants a piece of the action. However, these "babies" aren't eggs, but in fact life size rubber babies designed by NASA. Each "baby" is equipped with a computer chip that can tell if the student "raising" it is, in Chem's estimation, "June Cleaver or Joan Crawford." Oh yeah, and I forgot to add that there was a snarky remark made about Britney Spears. I just had to point this out because Lord knows what a challenge it is for a television writer to find something snarky to say about Miss Spears, and I just wanted to honor that effort.
The kids step up to receive their "babies." Everyone gets one except Lily. Now, your average high-school student would be like, "Psych! I'm excused from this really stupid assignment!" Lily, however, is determined to complain about something, because it's already first period and she hasn't been able to whine yet. "I'm childless," she exclaims. "And the world is better off," says Chem. Word, Chem! Carmen offers to pair off with her. "Pick out wallpaper on your own time," says Bio. Oh God, why do they pair her off with Carmen? They should totally pair her off with someone foxy like April Tuna or Mary Cherry.
"See Brooke, I'd always knew we'd have a family," says Josh to Brooke. Josh, that was so sexy. I'm sure there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't want to walk around for years of her life with your progeny strapped to her bosom. You make fatherhood look that hot 'n' nasty.
Oh yeah, and why the hell is an assignment like this being taught in a chemistry class? Social studies and biology are usually the classes that assign this sort of thing. And how the hell is Chem going to work this right wing psycho routine? We get it already that it's ironic that she's a gender-bending teacher and an old-school reactionary. Now move on!
Credits. Parents. Chem glam shot that's not so new anymore.
As the class exits Chem's classroom, Harrison's "baby" throws up on him. "Parenting sucks," says Harrison to Emory Dick. Okay, are the writers actually trying to imply that Harrison, a junior in high school, has never imagined that parenthood might be a messy affair until this very moment? Get ready for one of Emory's wacky schemes, folks, because Emory wants Harrison to look after his fourteen-year-old sisters so he can catch a Friday night showing of Tron with a special personal appearance by Bruce Boxleitner. Heh. Emory's parents are visiting Stonehenge (heh!) and have left him in charge of his two sisters. Harrison changes his "babies" on one of those diaper changers that you only see outside the bathrooms of Barnes and Noble. Harrison remembers Emory's sisters, Emily and Emma, to be truly sweet girls. Emory corrects him. Apparently, they've turned into monsters.
To illustrate his point, Emily and Emma appear in the Kennedy hallway. Imagine if Diane Arbus had come back to life and directed a Nightranger video, starring the Hilton sisters. They do a fashionista walk down the hall to the accompaniment of "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC and stop in front of Nicole and Mary Cherry's locker. Nicole and Mary Cherry are still mad at each other for that whole knee-transplant thing last episode, so they're ignoring each other. They try to blow off the prepubescent twins, who want Nicole and Mary Cherry to teach them how to be ruthless popular girls just like them. But flattery and a promise of serious cash get their attention.
Mary Cherry and Nicole decide to make up with each other by slapping the shit out of each other. For some reason, this takes place to the Habenera theme from the opera Carmen because, like Popular, Carmen had some girl-on-girl action sequences too. Am I taking this way too seriously when I question why they're using a song from Carmen when Carmen Ferrera isn't in the scene or even being mentioned?
And speaking of Carmen and girl-on-girl action, Carmen and Lily are doing the parent thing together in the cafeteria. They name their baby Hilaryswank ("one word") because they're not sure if it's a boy or a girl. ("…and you've got your mother in a whirl…") Sam, bringing it back to her, sits down, convinced that her baby has colic, reaffirming her "lifelong commitment to putting [her] career before [her] sex life." Actually, Sam you could simply practice birth control like everyone else and just shut up.
She whines that Brooke is moving back to San Francisco with Kelly. "Isn't this what you were fighting for?" says Lily. Word, Lily. I'm totally convinced that Lily needs massive doses of Sam's selfishness to snap her own selfishness into perspective, because she's not nearly as annoying as soon as Sam appears to her and starts whining about something. It's like Sam is a cobra and Lily is a mongoose -- an annoying, ferret-like animal that would be totally unpleasant and awful if they didn't possess the ability to protect humans from cobras. And can I just ask what happened to Sam's hair since last week? She looked so good during that last episode, and now she looks like Liza Minnelli after hip replacement surgery.
Sam, in a surprising display of whatever the opposite of selfishness is (i.e. a total 180-degree turn from her usual self), moans that her mom is lonely without her puffy, over-the-hill man and that it's hard for her to see her mother like this. I'm sure it's really hard for Sam not to be the center of attention as well. Lily points out to Sam that there's no greater aphrodisiac than loneliness, and that Brooke leaving would be the best thing for the subplot that won't go away -- ahem -- I mean Mike and Jane's relationship. And Lily? Just what the hell would you know from aphrodisiacs? Feeling cuddly with some patchouli incense burning, a Sophie B Hawkins CD emanating from the stereo, and a couple of cats on your lap doesn't count as feeling sexy.
Ah yes, but there is someone who can compete with Sam's obsessiveness, and that woman's name is Carmen Ferrara, and that obsession of hers is cheerleading her way toward popularity. With Brooke gone, Carmen realizes out loud, the "conscience" of the Glamazons is gone as well, and it's up to Carmen to "carry on Brooke's spirit." Carmen bolts from the table, claiming that she has a lot of work to do. Yes, Carmen, clues are hard to find, so get cracking! Oh yeah, and suck on that Capri Sun juice pack one more time, you wacky, feisty-but-spineless, pregnant cheerleader with blonde highlights. Ever seen Adam Rich and Sara Rue in the same room together? Just a thought.
The Novak. Brooke breaks the news of her departure to Mary Cherry and Nicole. The girls seem genuinely saddened by the news. "For once, the emptiness inside has nothing to do with bulimia," says Nicole. They wish her well, but as soon as she leaves they trash the Novak, shouting "we're free!" Their energy is fueled by the sight of Brooke's empty throne within their reach, and the knowledge that their bitchy behavior won't be judged by a goody-two-shoes anymore. They plot to take her place, but first they have to get rid of their babies. They hire a chirpy British nanny named Penelope Poppins, who for some reason a) comes to Kennedy and picks up the kids from Nicole and Mary Cherry and b) is a size two and wears a business suit with a cape over it. I guess that's supposed to be funny.
As Penelope wheels away her new charges in a pram, Brooke enters the hallway and runs into Josh, who is at one of those diaper stations dealing with a case of diaper rash. Brooke advises powder and tries to tell him about her move to San Francisco. Before she can say all that she needs to, he invites her on a play date for both of their kids to Chuck E. Cheese. Momentarily touched (or something), she chickens out of telling him about the move and agrees to see him on Saturday. Her cell phone rings. She puts her baby aside to answer it. It's Kelly, and she's arranged a private viewing of the Damien Hirst exhibit, which has to be the most erudite pop-culture reference I've ever seen on this show. Due to all the excitement about meeting the British artist that Page Six of the Post calls Damien Thirst, Brooke runs off, forgetting her baby which sits forlornly in the hallway with a pink rag in its hair. See, for those of you not able to see a big fat hint driving toward you with its brights on and its horn honking at full volume, I'm going to explain that Brooke, an abandoned child herself, is abandoning her own baby in order to see the very woman who abandoned her in the first place.
Empty classroom. Sam is sitting by herself, studying. Mike McQueen enters. You know how there are so-called "drug free school zones"? Why can't there be the same sort of thing, but have it apply to has-been soap actors? Mike is looking for Brooke, who, as we know, has ditched him to hang with her mother and Damien Thirst. Sam tries to say something comforting. Mike is unmoved, and rejects Sam's offer of an apology for going to San Francisco and opening up this can of worms to begin with. When Sam tries to suggest that he turn to Jane for comfort, Mike says he couldn't possibly be in a relationship now with all that's happened. Here's a suggestion, Mike: Why don't you and Jane try to patch up your differences with a nice long trip to Hong Kong? You can visit your friends Jim and Cindy and keep in touch with the kids via email!
Well, it turns out that Emory lives in a fabulous Richard Neutra-designed house complete with retro-sixties furniture and op art paintings. Nicole and Mary Cherry come over the give the twins their first set of popularity lessons. Mary Cherry wears a black tank top, matching black leggings, a Pucci scarf, and a fur jacket. Nicole is in a cream-colored vinyl shirt with weird cutouts in the armpits. The twins are told to read The Art of War by Sun-Tzu, The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli (complete with joke about how close Nicole's name is to Niccolo Machiavelli's), and My Way of Life by Joan Crawford. I have to admit that I've one read one of these books and, um, it was the Joan Crawford one. I thought it was going to be this really campy read, but it was just sort of sad. She wrote it when she was no longer a movie star, and she was just sort of put out to pasture and married to the head of Pepsi-Cola. She talks a lot about the importance of supporting your husband's career, looking your best no matter how miserable your life is, and the importance of having a personal assistant. But she does it in this rah-rah peppy way that only makes the whole thing sound even more sad.
The only way to achieve popularity, according to Nicole, is to throw an important party. "It's not who you put on the guest list, it's who you leave off," she says, reminding us of the credo of Popular. Emory enters and puts a stop to the party plan. The twins humiliate him to put him in his place. Nicole and Mary Cherry are impressed with the girls' ability to be beeotches. Later, while alone, Nicole informs Mary Cherry that the twins' party will have a dual purpose. It is also to serve as their coronation as the most popular girls in school, since Brooke is going to be leaving that night.
Kennedy hallway. Josh attempts to put together a stroller. In the hall. Whatever. Dude, it's a homework assignment. Chill. Sugar Daddy comes by with his blond-Caesared "baby," whom he calls "the real Slim Shady." Too bad he can't call the kid Eminem, as the Dick twins have already introduced themselves earlier as "Em and Em." In the course of their conversation, Sugar lets it slip that Brooke is moving. This is news to Josh.
Elsewhere in the halls of Kennedy, Brooke and Sam fight some more about Brooke's move to California. When Brooke gets to her locker, she finds a ransom note. Her doll has been kidnapped. The note tells her to await further instructions. Dude, she's moving. Who cares?
The Novak. Carmen is in a meeting with a bunch of people we've never seen before. Something about them seems a little different. I can't quite put my finger on it. They're all wearing glasses so I guess that means that they are academically oriented and therefore the losers of Kennedy -- just like Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That. Oh, please! What happened to the chess club? Where is Freddy Gong? And how the hell did Carmen round up these people? "Hi, you're a loser so I'd like to talk to you in the Novak after school, 'kay?" Carmen promises the assembled that, as a Glamazon, she's going to make things better for the socially challenged. April Tuna, who is dressed as a lipstick lesbian circa 1983 -- poufy flat-top and big gold earrings -- is unimpressed with Carmen's agenda. She still remembers that Carmen quit the Glamazons last year and doesn't think Carmen will deliver the goods. April stomps off and takes the assembled geeks with her.
Chemistry class. Chem checks in with the "parents." Hey, guess what. That nanny? She's abusing the dolls. I guess I didn't see that coming, due to the fact that I've never seen a television show before. Nicole and Mary Cherry are told by Chem that, although they are technically allowed to hire outside help, they are still responsible for any harm that comes to their children. Chem also learns that Brooke's child has been kidnapped. Brooke isn't too concerned, because she's leaving on Friday anyway. (Then why is she bothering to go to school at all? Shouldn't she be packing or something?) Chem reminds Brooke that the assignment has to be completed, or an F will follow her around on her permanent record. Oh yeah, that permanent record. So anyway, this means that Brooke has to actually be concerned about where her "child" is. You know, before she actually moves away, because that's totally going to happen.
That night at the Motel where Sam and her mother are living, Sam convinces Jane to give Mike another try. And, like most conversations between Sam and Jane, this one isn't worth repeating.
Sam enters the Novak the day, totally psyched to tell Lily all about the good news that Mike and Jane are going to get together to talk. I have no idea how Sam knows that Lily is in one of the stalls, but Sam is confident enough about this to practically tell the whole story before Lily actually opens the stall door. When she does, Sam discovers that Lily is catatonic over the responsibilities of motherhood; Carmen is too busy to help her while she's on a mission to help the freaks of Kennedy. Lily is wearing a terrycloth robe and has baby vomit all over her. She sits on the floor of the Novak like a homeless woman. Carmen enters and starts to fight with Lily. It's one of those mildly amusing scenarios with Carmen as the working parent and Lily as the stay-at-home mom -- Carmen has no idea how hard it is for Lily to be saddled with the sole responsibility of the child, so they have one of those Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus fights. I said mildly amusing, and I'm stressing the mild part a lot here. Actually, I'm with Carmen on this one, if only because everyone else at Kennedy who has to raise their child without the help of a partner is doing fine. Carmen takes Hilaryswank from Lily, vowing to do a better job. Nicole and Mary Cherry enter the Novak and hand out invites to the party at Dick Manor. Carmen is invited because she's a Glamazon. Lily and Sam are handed special non-invitations, just in case there's any confusion among the uncool.
Nicole and MC continue along their merry way, handing out invites (or non-invites, in most cases) in the hall. They run into their nanny and start questioning her about the black eyes and tire tracks all over their babies. Penelope Poppins offers a lame excuse and runs off to some Looney Tunes music. Whatever. The nanny is abusive and crazy. We get it. Nicole and Mary Cherry start worrying about the effect the nanny's child abuse will have on their grades. An F could mean expulsion from the Glamazons and would reduce their social status.
Back in Chemlab, Brooke pleads with Chem for a passing grade. She even holds up a cute sight gag: the baby's picture on a milk carton. Chem reminds her that even though the kidnappers haven't contacted her yet, her failure as a parent got her into this mess in the first place. Brooke points out that if the point of the assignment was to learn about the rigors and responsibilities of being a parent, then she got what she needed out of it. Chem accepts this excuse and passes her. But not without getting in a snarky comment about the consequences of Brooke's own guilt. Okay, how many of you are still unaware of the big hunk of symbolism that is being tossed around here with Brooke leaving a baby-sized image of herself out in the cold and at the mercy of kidnappers just before she's about to move in with Kelly? How many of you still think Brooke is going to leave? Outside of Chem class, Josh takes down photos of Brooke from his locker -- but doesn't throw them away.
Hallway. Carmen pushes Hilaryswank's pram with one hand while she puts up posters with the other. The posters tell people to ignore their non-invitations, and that everyone is invited to Nicole and Mary Cherry's party. Um, Carmen? You're not the one throwing the party. What gives you the right to declare someone else's party a free-for-all? But somehow, because she's a Glamazon, she can dictate how this works. Not even people elected to student government positions have as much power as Carmen thinks she has right now. April Tuna, who is wearing a brown and yellow striped top and plaid pants that don't match at all, asks Carmen if everyone is indeed invited. Carmen confirms it. "You better not be teasing my sopping wet loins, Carmen Ferrera!" says April. Somehow in the midst of this, Hilaryswank's carriage is pushed down the stairs with Hillary inside. This, of course, necessitates a shot sequence that is a tribute to the Odessa Steps scene in Battleship Potemkin. You know? It's a famous Russian silent film that no one has actually seen, but everyone has seen an homage to/parody of the Odessa Steps shot sequence in some film or other. "I think it's dead," says April Tuna.
The party is starting up. Emily and Emma stand at the front door, checking invitations. I'm so psyched that Emily (or at least I guess it's Emily, since she's on the left) is wearing one of those fur collars over her clingy leotard/leather skirt ensemble, those things that Prada is pushing this current season, hoping to make everyone dress like a fascist dictator's mistress. Emory and Harrison arrive and attempt to close down the party. Em and Em bind and gag them and then put them in a spare bedroom. Nicole and Mary Cherry arrive, horrified to be wearing the exact same outfits as Em and Em. Em and Em blackmail Nicole and Mary Cherry into serving hors d'oeuvres to their guests, since there's an incriminating supply of alcohol in the house, and corrupting a minor will get them kicked off the Glamazons. Okay, I would love to see this supposed rule book which lays out the rights and privileges of the Glamazons. You'd think they were Masons or Scientologists instead.
While Brooke packs for San Francisco in her bedroom, the phone rings. An electronically disembodied voice tells her to show up at the Dick party to get her child back. "Josh?" calls Brooke into the phone. Mike enters, and there's this untearful goodbye scene that involves Carrie-esque memories of Brooke's first period which I don't want to get into. Hoo boy! She even said goodbye to her dad. I think she's really gonna leave! No, really guys, it's totally going to happen. I mean, she's putting framed photos in boxes and everything.
Brooke gets into the car with Kelly, who gives her that line about doors closing and windows opening. Brooke begs her mom to drive to the party at Emory Dick's so she can say goodbye to everyone. Peggy Lipton's acting couldn't be anymore wooden.
At the Dick party, "The Thong Song" is playing while April Tuna tries to seduce everything that moves. Lily enters the room and beams self-righteously over all the good work that Carmen did -- the losers getting invited, that is. She walks over to Carmen, who I have to admit looks quite nice in her black velvet dress, and congratulates her. Carmen admits that she underestimated what it takes to be a parent and shows her Hilaryswank, who is in a body cast. The lesson we learned today is that spearheading a movement is tough. But no tougher than taking care of a baby. Yeah, well, I guess that someone's going to find out all about that soon enough.
In the Dick kitchen, Nicole and Mary Cherry prepare chicken hors d'oeuvres and hawk loogies into them as they bemoan their being outfoxed by the Dick twins. Nicole confesses that, deep down, she really misses Brooke. Before they can ruminate too much on this, they notice that Penelope Poppins is shaking the babies like…well…a British nanny. With evidence in hand, they confront the nanny, who tries to talk her way out of the situation by describing her own childhood as being abusive. When Nicole isn't having any of it, Penelope leaves, but not without warning the girls (for some reason) that bad parenting will catch up with them eventually. "Well, this is ridiculous, okay?" says Mary Cherry. "'Cause they're just dolls. And yet I'm touched by her explanation." This inspires Nicole and Mary Cherry to go and discipline Em and Em.
Brooke enters the backyard and finds her "baby" floating in an inner tube in the pool. She goes and comforts it, and I guess we're all supposed to be touched or something because this doll is supposed to represent her inner child -- now that it's not a grading issue or anything, because she's totally leaving town in just a few seconds and I'm so convinced of that. The kidnapper reveals herself, and it's Jessica Alba, star of James Cameron's new series Dark Angel. Oh wait, actually, it's Sam, in some outfit that's supposed to look dark and sneaky. Brooke is surprised that the kidnapper wasn't Josh as she suspected. Sam explains that although the kidnapper wasn't Josh, it was someone else who cares for her deeply and would go to great lengths to keep her in town. Okay, so for some reason the kidnapping of Brooke's baby and the ruination of Brooke's grade point average was supposed to make Brooke want to stay home with Mike and have Sam as her step-sister. "A mother should never leave a child," says Sam, warning Brooke against going back to Kelly. Yeah, Sam, and a step-aunt should never kidnap her step-niece.
Nicole and Mary Cherry try to close down the party by calling the Dick parents at their hotel at Stonehenge. They whip out their cell phones. The Dick twins in turn whip out their cell phones and threaten to call the police. "I guess we've got a bitches standoff here," says Nicole. Harrison and Emory manage to escape from the room where they were tied up. Brooke dares the girls to call the police now that they've committed the felony of kidnapping, and the nanny cam has caught them "shotgunning Bartles and James." Nicole announces to the guests that the party is over, because it's Emily and Emma's bedtime.
Brooke gets into the car with her mother and tells her she's not leaving after all. I totally didn't see that coming. Bye, Peggy!
As Mike forlornly drinks tea from his "World's Greatest Dad" mug, Brooke walks in and announces that she's home and that she's staying. They embrace. Sam watches from the window in a tribute to the final scene of Stella Dallas, feeling smug, no doubt.