The season opens with one of those not-so-cute "what I did on my summer vacation" speeches. It's like they're trying to make fun of something but someone forgot to explain the exact nature of this satire (i.e. a dream sequence or a teacher who might actually still make kids describe their summer vacations). Vice Principal Calvin Krupps invites Sam and Brooke up to the podium to talk about how they spent their summer vacations. Is Vice Principal Calvin Krupps teaching a class now? Where is Principal Hall? What class is this?
They speak, and there is all this irony over how Sam and Brooke's cheery description of their summers differ so much from the flashback. The flashback explains that Jane is mad at Mike for not finalizing the divorce to Kelly, and that Kelly's husband has left her now that he knows about the first non-annulled marriage. That meant that Kelly was free to hang around Brooke and make reparations. And by reparations, I mean "gifts from Hermes."
Meanwhile, Sam and her own mom had their own problems. While Jane McPherson, looking positively hag-like, does various household chores, she ruminates over how Peggy Lipton's appearance at her and Mike's wedding took her "back to high school" where she'd always lose out to the homecoming queen. "I'm thirty-six, for God's sakes. When am I ever going to feel like I'm on solid ground, when I'm dead?" Nice symbolism -- bringing it back to the kids. I mean, if high school is still all that sore a spot with you, you might want to -- oh, I don't know -- see a therapist. It might also explain why you decided to start a family at the age of twenty and saw fit to raise your only child to be one of the most spoiled, annoying children on the planet. Oh, and Jane? I'd hate to go without oxygen since you were thirty-six although we are giving you points for making Sam get a decent haircut. (Oh, by the way, I have nothing against anyone starting a family one year before they're legally able to drink, but when you consider that Jane saw fit to lecture both Sam and Brooke on the perils of being sexuality active, I imagine that an explanation for Jane's early pregnancy -- during a time when birth control was readily available -- is seriously in order.)
Kelly's constant presence in the lives of the McQueen/McPherson family members causes tension. There are silent meals and fights between Kelly and Mike McQueen. "All in all," says Sam, "a pretty uneventful summer." Yeah, that's about as ironic as rain on your wedding day.
Credits. No, they didn't shoot new ones. They didn't even take out the parents. The only difference is that Bio has been added as a series regular, but her "glamour shot" is after the parents'. Someone obviously wants to see me very angry.
Kennedy. The first day of school. Okay, fasten your seatbelts everyone for the first annoying political cause of the season. Sugar carves "Sugar loves Exquisite" into an oak tree. Remember Exquisite Woo? The exchange student from last year? Well, I guess no one shipped her back to China, because she's still around, and in a few minutes we'll get a peek at her brand new Western-style haircut. ["Make that 'Western Barbie haircut.'" -- Sars] Josh comes along and reminds Sugar that they have football practice. Sugar explains the tradition of the "forever" tree. If you publicly announce your feelings on the forever tree, you and your "boo" will last forever. Josh is not buying the power of the "forever" tree due to his recent disillusionments, i.e. his parents divorcing and him growing apart from Brooke. I'm not buying "forever" either, due to the fact that Exquisite isn't in the credits and therefore is not a series regular.
Kennedy Hallway. Brooke and Nicole compare summers, since they didn't spend much time together due to Brooke bonding with "la mere." "I got my arms lasered," explains Nicole, "and broke up a couple of marriages." Sam drops by. "I thought we had tuna for lunch, but it was just you wafting through the halls again," says Nicole. "Hey Satan," says Sam. "Nice implants." Sam wants to know if Brooke is going to be home for dinner. Brooke says yes, and Sam reminds her that they have to give the illusion of getting along so nothing bad happens between their parents. "We are getting along, Sam," says Brooke. Yeah, but no one cares! No one ever has! I'd rather know more about Nicole's laser surgery and see her give Sam more grief.
Sam comes up to Lily, Carmen, and Harrison, who announce that Carmen is not pregnant after all. I guess I missed the part where Carmen actually told Lily, Harrison, and Sam that she thought she was pregnant in the first place, but hey, it's Popular. Junior Sam, not unlike Sophomore Sam, never fails to bring it back to herself. "I wish my problems could be alleviated with a simple test," she says. Sam talks about how she has to make her family work since she's responsible for all the "drama-rama." Harrison has an amen to that. Carmen tries to brighten things up by reminding everyone that there's no more Miss Glass. They explain that Miss Glass is in a nursing home after her autopsy, performed in the season finale. "And I hear the new chemistry teacher is the coolest freak ever," says Lily.
Cool teacher is indeed cool. He's one of those Montessori-influenced educators who doesn't assign homework or give tests, but he's not in the credits either so it's no surprise to see him arrested in front of the class for trafficking illegal "crush" videos. Either a "crush" video is a censor-friendly term for "snuff" video, or somebody with a lot of power thinks that the Dave Matthews Band has some seriously evil influences on kids today. So Bobbie Glass is back. "I'm baaaaack," she announces all Poltergeist-style. Not funny. Nor is Nicole's "It's alive!" I do hope that Bio's Chris Farley-on-meth delivery of her lines only lasts through this episode.
Bio has good news and bad news. The good news: Bio's finger, which was taken off by Nurse Jessie's cat, has been replaced by a metal prosthetic. The bad news is that the kids are going to pay this year. "Claw," says Mary Cherry, thus rechristening Bio. A nickname I choose to ignore. "What are you going to do to us?" Bio announces that they will all be writing two essays a week and starting the season with solid Fs across the boards. Oh yeah, right, those solid "F"s that reigned rampant last season. I'm. So. Scared. "Claw," says Sam, "it's not fair." "There's a reason you're called Generation E," says Bio. "You've always had it too E-asy." Actually, Glass, it's called Generation Y, and you even dubbed them that during the season finale. She uses an example of the "leafy shade" they receive from the 200-year-old oak tree just outside the class room as how easy they have it, and calls maintenance on her cell phone and has them chop it down. Why? Because then Lily and Sugar can protest and there will be something else to watch tonight besides Brooke, Sam, and the parents doing their Ibsen-lite routine. "That's the forever tree!" says Sugar. "Nothing is forever. Change is good," says Bio. Lily speaks up for the tree: "Ms. Glass, you cannot in good conscience chop down a 200-year-old leafy spiritual being who some druids would say has a very rich emotional life." "Hey nutjob," says Bobbie. "Just watch me." "Hey, all of you," says Gustave. "Find a story line that people might actually find amusing."
And no, I didn't mean let's look at Josh and Brooke's pathetic relationship. Kennedy Cafeteria. Lunch. Brooke and Josh sit together. Brooke thinks it's romantic how Sugar stood up to Miss Glass over the forever tree because of his love for Exquisite. Josh thinks it's selfish. Brooke questions his cynicism. "Let's just say I don't wear Eternity for Men anymore," says Josh, and reminds her that they had a date the other day and she forgot about it. Brooke feels bad. She explains that she still feels guilty about her mother leaving and has to make it up to her by spending lots of time with her. Josh says he wants consistency in a relationship and he's not getting it from Brooke. "I'm out," he says, leaving the cafeteria. I wish.
Mary Cherry and Exquisite are also in the cafeteria. Mary Cherry tries to get Exquisite to cut her carrots into "piranha-sized bites" for her. "Is it just me or shouldn't you still be locked up in a sanitarium?" says Exquisite with her new sassy seventies-style 'do -- see, I told you! Mary Cherry reminds Exquisite that she runs the Glamazons with Brooke and Nicole, and that if Exquisite wants in, she has to "rub my belly like the Buddha of popularity I have become." Nicole sits down as Mary Cherry mentions how grateful she is that she never has to go through cheerleading tryouts again. Nicole corrects her. She's auditioning right after Poppy. Well, at least Poppy's still around. But where is she? Mary Cherry is distraught that she has to try out.
Lily, Harrison, and Sam walk through the hall. Lily tells the gang that she can't save the forever tree because the roots are strangling the school's septic system. Sam and Harrison mourn the end of Lily and Sugar's collaborative efforts. Lily tells them otherwise when she takes off with Sugar, who is carrying some two-by-fours.
Nicole posts the audition sign-up list with a precision not seen since Annette Bening in American Beauty. Carmen comes by and wants to borrow a pen. Nicole reminds Carmen that Carmen already quit the Glamazons. Carmen stands by her decision, but tells Nicole that she wants back in because she got so much support from people who said that her being a Glamazon was such an inspiration to losers everywhere. "I also realized how much fun I had dancing," says Carmen. "Rhythm is a dancer," says Nicole. "You are not." Ha! Nicole reminds Carmen that she is a voting member of the Glamazons and won't be casting her vote for Carmen. Carmen reminds Nicole that Brooke likes her and will be casting a vote in her favor. Nicole tells Carmen that Brooke is preoccupied with family problems and won't have time for her usual causes. Carmen vows to audition anyway. Yes, folks, it's been one whole year, and my, how Carmen has changed. Last year her character was so underdeveloped. She was just this fat girl who wanted to be a cheerleader. Now, I'm happy to say there's a new Carmen at Kennedy. She still a fat girl who wants to be a cheerleader -- but now she's got blonde highlights!
Brooke doesn't come home for dinner like she promised Sam she would. She and Kelly arrive home all aglow from their shopping trip. Mike is waiting up for them in a pissy mood. Mike wants speak to Kelly alone. Kelly tells Mike she misses him as well as Brooke. They kiss. Jane sees it. No one else in America does, because we've all decided to go re-grout our bathtubs until Nicole and Mary Cherry come back on screen.
A few hours later, Jane is packing and having a huge fight with Mike in front of Sam and Brooke. Brooke is excited that Mike and her mother might get back together. Don't you think that you guys should be having this argument somewhere more private? Like, say, on another show?
Sam and Jane are in a skanky motel. Only it's not really all that skanky -- it's actually quite cool in a retro kinda way. Jane vows to revive her real estate career, make a killing, get botox, and go on dates before all her chances are used up. Jane, your chances are all used up. You are a parent on a WB show. That's as low as you can get. Sam, using the built-in bed vibrator, is angry that they have to uproot themselves again. (Get it kids? Uproot? All the story lines share a similar theme tonight!) Jane reminds Sam that that was her dream. "You don't like Brooke," says Jane. "You don't like Mike." Sam protests that Brooke and Mike were like home to her. Jane cries. Sam tries to talk her into going back to Mike. Jane cries some more about how Mike never stopped loving Kelly and how he never loved Jane. "Kelly makes me feel the same way Brooke used to make you feel -- like you weren't good enough." says Jane. "But I got over it," says Sam. "I don't think I will," says Jane. No, I don't think you will either, Jane, if Sam's overall pettiness is any indication of what kind of a role model she had as a child.
The day at school, Brooke wears a rain hat in a Burberry plaid. Is it raining indoors? No. Is it even raining outdoors? No. Is Burberry plaid an overplayed color scheme this year? Yes. Sam comes up to her: "We have to talk." Bio calls for attention and takes attendance. Lily answers "here," but her voice sounds muffled and no one can see her. They realize that her voice is coming from a tin can tied to a string that leads up to a treehouse that Sugar and Lily have built in the forever tree. They announce through the tin can that they will be up there until they get a pledge that the tree will never be torn down. Chop the tree down now! Chop it down with a nuclear-powered chain saw!
Mary Cherry confronts Nicole in the Novak about making her try out again for Glamazons. "It's called show business, not show friends, Mary Cherry!" says Nicole. Mary Cherry asks Nicole to name her price. "Everyone's got a price," says Mary Cherry. "Even you, Whore of Babylon!" Nicole wants Mary Cherry's knee. "I draw the line at amputation," says Mary Cherry. "But I'll tell you what. I'll give you my uterus and we'll call it a day." Ha! After a bad joke about Nicole spending a lot of time on her knees, Nicole explains that she needs Mary Cherry's knees because her own knee is making a creaking noise. She demonstrates. "How will I try out if I don't have a knee?" asks Mary Cherry. Nicole tells her that she was so bad last year that she couldn't get any worse. "Point taken," says Mary Cherry. "Give me your knees," says Nicole. "Or your glamorous career will be colder than Lauren Holly's."
Up in the treehouse, Lily lauds Sugar for making the treehouse out of recyclable bamboo. I think it's safe to say that Lily would give Ted Nugent a blow-job if he threw his empty beer into a recycling bin for cans. But frankly, I think it's just downright miraculous that Sugar Daddy could climb a tree and build a tree house at all, considering his girth. Sugar talks about how great it is to get to know Lily and how there's more to her than just a "hairy-armpitted freak." Actually, Sugar, other than the questioning-of-the-sexuality thing, there really isn't. Lily sort of accepts the compliment and speculates that Bio hasn't done anything to them for a while and maybe they've won the war. A military helicopter flies overhead and sprays DDT over them -- and theme from Apocalypse Now plays. Ha ha. Not. "You'll never force our hand, Claw!" shouts the embattled twosome.
Sam corners Brooke -- who's still wearing her Burberry plaid rain hat -- and gets her to give their motel room number to Mike so he can call Jane and they can make up. Is Brooke going to give Mike the number? I doubt it.
Sam visits Lily and Sugar. Lily is showing symptoms of DDT poisoning, but Sam brings it back to her and her family problems. Lily tells her to consider that the McQueens and the McPhersons might not merge. "This tree has roots. Your family doesn't." See! See! I told you there was synergy among all the plotlines tonight!
Brooke, still adorned in Burberry plaid, tells Kelly a non-heartwarming story about playing with her Barbies and how Kelly was Skipper and Ken was her dad and blah blah blah everyone would move back to the Dreamhouse. God, that is so chock full of symbolism, I've got a totem pole lodged inside my cranium. She encourages Kelly to go for it with Dad and lets the piece of paper with Jane's number on it fly out the car window. Before you all start screaming bloody murder and proclaiming that Brooke is a little bitch, put yourself in her shoes. What kind of mother would you want? Peggy Lipton bearing gifts from Hermes? Or sad-faced hag Jane as a stepmother and self-centered sulky teen Sam as a stepsister? Hey, Peggy? I think Brooke needs a gay older brother.
Sam waits by the phone. Checks the number with an operator. Jane tells Sam not to keep the torch out for her and Mike. They get something to eat.
Mary Cherry and Nicole are in the hospital for the knee transplant. When Nicole loses consciousness from her Darvon drip, Mary Cherry gets out of bed and buys Nurse Janet's knee from her.
Bio peels an apple with her prosthetic finger while she talks to Calvin Krupps about how her plan to cut down the tree is going. Yes, it's funny that she can peel an apple with a prosthetic, but it's not going to be funny for an entire season -- I'm just looking ahead, here. She's tried sleep deprivation -- waking them up with heavy metal music and feeding homing pigeons laxatives so they'll be shat on a lot. Calvin Krupps tells her that he's got a plan.
Sam comes to work with Jane. Jane is selling a house, so of course they have to work in an American Beauty joke. Hey, speaking of Annette Bening's performance in American Beauty, have I mentioned how I've been doing affirmations of my own ("I will write this recap today!") and slapping myself across the face repeatedly when I fail? The doorbell rings. It's Jane's first clients: Kelly and Brooke. Kelly is going to buy a house in the neighborhood.
Calvin Krupps gets Sugar to abandon the tree because of athletics. If he misses any more practices, he gets kicked off the football team, and there goes his popularity. "Go," says Lily. Enya plays. "Where are your friends now?" says a gloating Claw. Miles away from this crap subplot, that's for sure.
Back at Jane's open house. Sam and Brooke have a fight over the fact that Mike didn't call Jane. Sam reminds Brooke that she considers Jane her mother. Brooke wants to move on and forgive her natural mother. Sam throws some emotional blackmail Brooke's way and, unfortunately, Brooke falls for it. When Jane and Kelly enter the kitchen, Brooke apologizes to Jane for hurting her and runs away. Kelly says she'll take the house. It's your first commission, Jane. Take it and buy yourself a clue.
Lily huddles deliriously in a shaker quilt. Poor girl can't even afford a Pratesi comforter. Josh scares her when he brings by a care package from Sugar Daddy featuring soy milk, tofu Slim Jims, and Lady razors. Josh hangs with Lily for a while and asks her how she knows how to pick the "cool causes." By "cool causes," are you, Josh, perhaps referring to the time that Lily almost got you suspended for sexual harassment without a hearing or anything remotely resembling due process? Yeah, that was pretty cool! "I listen to my heart," answers Lily, the wise little acorn. "Do you think a relationship can be a cause," says Josh. "Yeah, totally," says Lily. Josh looks thoughtful.
Cheerleading tryouts. Mary Cherry arrives dressed in an aqua circus outfit with a headdress. Okay, people! Dressing Mary Cherry up in a wacky costume is not necessarily a brilliant comic moment in and of itself. "Why are you dressed like a gay turkey?" asks Nicole. Mary Cherry says she just wants to look her shimmering best for the tryouts. "Here, I brought you the Hope diamond," says MC. "At ease, "says Nicole, pocketing it. No, they don't show the actual tryouts. Damn! Nor do they mention that the Hope diamond is cursed.
The forever tree. Hey, does anyone want to hear all about how Josh saves his relationship with Brooke by carving their names into the forever tree? Oh, all right! But I'm around in case you change your mind.
Nicole, sporting a new hairdo reminiscent of Ramona Quimby, walks down the hall to post the cheerleading results. (Nicole, Brooke, Mary Cherry, Adam, Exquisite, and Poppy made the squad, which I guess means we're going to see Adam and Poppy again!) Her knee creaks the same way it did before the operation. Carmen reads the results and calls Nicole a horrible person: "One day I'm going to stop you." "Bring it on and watch me radiate," says Nicole. Why is Carmen so upset? I guess she wanted to be a cheerleader or something but that, of course, is an issue that the writers of Popular hardly ever dwell on.
As Nicole walks off, Vice Principal Calvin Krupps stops her and asks her to walk for him. Nicole walks model-style, complete with fashionista music playing in the background. Her knee gives, she falls, and Calvin kicks her off the squad for having the "knee of a ninety-year-old woman." This of course means that Carmen is on the squad since she was first alternate. To add insult to injury, Mr. Krupps flirts with Carmen while he informs her of her place on the squad. "What did you do with my knee?" Nicole asks Mary Cherry. "It's called show business, not show friends!" Mary Cherry reminds her.
Okay, who wants to hear all about the tears that are shed by everyone when Brooke announces that she's moving back to San Francisco with her mother? Don't be shy! Okay, well, you know where to reach me if you change your mind. ["I can't believe you aren't going to describe Mike's cat's-behind crying face!" -- Sars]
The episode ends with a tea party in the tree house. Sugar, Lily, Exquisite, and Carmen eat vegetable dim sum -- geddit? Because Lily is a vegetarian and Exquisite is Chinese? Bio chops down the tree with a chain saw -- with the kids in the tree house. "Timber!" That "thud" sound you hear is of the promise of a first season's efforts falling swiftly to the ground.