Kennedy High. Brooke sits in class re-reading Sam's note from the end of last week's episode. "I'm very sorry for the church debacle and I hope everyone can forgive me . . ." The class is reading Crime and Punishment. Miss Ross is talking about how Raskolnikov thought that he was extraordinary and therefore exempt from punishment. Miss Ross asks the class what they thought of Raskolnikov's subsequent incarceration. Nicole suggests that Raskolnikov was weak, and that if he'd just held out longer he'd be blissfully happy and hanging out with that hooker. Speaking of crime, I guess that hairdresser is still mad at Nicole. Her rat-do has grown out a bit, but now she looks like she's playing Grizabella in a New Rochelle community-theater production of Cats. Miss Ross tries to ignore what Nicole has just said and goes on to talk about the concept of one lie leading to another until the burden of so many lies becomes too much to bear. "Nothing in life goes unpunished, babies," says Miss Ross. Hey, if the motif of tonight's episode is going to be Crime and Punishment, how come I didn't see any spoilers about anyone being chopped up with an ax?
Class ends and everyone collects their books and leaves the classroom. Brooke walks up to Lily and Carmen and asks them where Sam is. They don't know. Brooke at first thinks they're covering for Sam, but soon realizes that they are just as out of the loop as she is. Lily and Carmen do not ever make a move in this episode without being at each other's side. For that reason, I am simply going to refer to them as the Lilmen. The Lilmen are shocked that Sam has run away. Lily got a nice perm for that "wig" she's been wearing since the mohawk episode. It sticks out cutely from under her blue skull cap.
San Francisco. And just in case we can't tell that it's San Francisco by all the landmarks like The Golden Gate Bridge, Nob Hill and cable cars, the song "San Francisco" by Scott McKenzie is playing. Sam "Love is a battlefield" McPherson walks into a photo gallery dressed like the runaway that she's been for the last four hours: rat's nest hair, Gap backpack, sweater tied around her waist, and one of those big long coats that incest survivors wear to hide their bodies. Sam, you're running away to stop a wedding. This is not Go Ask Alice. Put on a clean outfit and comb your hair. She goes up to the woman who runs the gallery: "Are you the mother of Brooke McQueen?" The woman who may be Brooke's mother is played by Peggy Lipton. And just in case you can't remember who Peggy Lipton is, the Twin Peaks theme plays. Ooh, looks like Peggy Lipton's starting to look really old. I swear she looks like she might be 29 or 30. No wonder Quincy Jones left her for Nastassia Kinski.
"Young lady, who are you?" asks Peggy Lipton. Ah, for once an adult character that finds Sam as tiresome as we do. "I am the girl who is going to become unwillingly hitched to your daughter and you are the only one capable of stopping it," says Sam, who is acting surprisingly self-centered even for her. Peggy, who obviously saw Carly Pope's performance in Trapped in a Purple Haze, takes her by the arm and escorts her outside. "Where are you taking me?" asks Sam. "To the methadone clinic across the street," says Peggy. Can we give this woman a recurring role? Sam insists she's not crazy. "I've done some Internet research," she whines, and recites Brooke's mother's history. She was a photographer from LA who got married to Mike McQueen, then ran off with a rich boss named Ron Foster and opened a photo gallery in San Francisco. This woman, according to Sam, is the only Kelly Foster in the San Francisco area with a photography gallery. Kelly tells Sam that she's wrong: Kelly is single, and up until last year she lived in New York. "And unless I was very drunk," she says, "I never slept with anyone named Mike McCafferty." Sam apologizes. Kelly explains that she's not the mother type and regrets that she can't help Sam. That's okay, Peggy. No one can really help Sam. All anyone can do is anesthetize their own pain at having to watch her go off on a binge of self-righteousness every week.
Sugar and Josh. Kennedy hallway. Here begins the straight-boy subplot. "I got us the perfect crime with no punishment," says Sugar Daddy to Josh. Okay, if we're going to have a motif in this episode, can't it be something visual like a movie? Or at least pick the plot of a book that someone actually read recently. This Crime and Punishmentthing is doing nothing for me. Sugar suggests that they sneak into Cesar Crouton's strip club while they're having the rotisserie chicken special; they can check out naked ladies and eat to their heart's content. Josh is really excited by the prospect of all that chicken. Okay. Sugar Daddy and Josh, who have in the past stuck Emory Dick's head into a toilet and kidnapped a man they thought was Gwyneth Paltrow's personal shopper, consider sneaking into a strip club a "crime" on par with Raskolnikov's murder of his landlady? Hello? Harrison and Emory Dick eavesdrop, and Emory tells Harrison that he wants in on the action. Harrison, who is wearing a shirt that says "99¢ plus tax" in huge lettering, is not into it. He's scared they'll get busted for skipping. Dude, if you keep selling your ass on the street for 99¢ plus tax, you're going to be in much bigger trouble than that. Emory offers to forge one of his famous excuse notes. "I'm just cursed to be the ordinary man," says Harrison comparing himself to Raskolnikov. "Even that Rasta-la-ga-ga guy couldn't even cut it." Emory proclaims that Crime and Punishment is no longer socially relevant. He tells Harrison to check out the Woody Allen film Crimes and Misdemeanors instead, because when Martin Landau kills Angelica Huston, he gets away with it and lives happily ever after. I guess a reference to Woody Allen's airtight moral values eases any of Harrison's fear of doing the wrong thing, because the thing you know, they're approaching Josh and SD about all going to the strip club together.
Empty classroom. Nicole and Brooke. Brooke wants advice from Nicole about the Sam thing. Brooke hasn't told Jane and Mike yet and is having a dilemma. On one hand, she doesn't want to rock the boat and upset Jane and Mike before the big wedding. On the other hand, Sam could be in some sort of trouble. Nicole tells Brooke that Sam is bluffing and doing this for attention in order to ruin the shower and subsequent wedding. If Brooke tells Jane and Mike, reasons Nicole, the wedding will be ruined and Brooke will be "playing right into Sam's cold unmoisturized hands." "Nothing's going to get to Sam more than coming home to a Martha Stewart-esque bridal shower and finding out she hasn't been missed."
Back to the hallway for more of the lame straight-boy plot. Emery gives everyone fake IDs that he made in computer lab. The Lilmen approach them and ask Harrison if he's seen Sam. The boys hide their IDs and tell the Lilmen that they haven't seen Sam. The Lilmen look suspiciously at the boys but move on. The boys marvel at their new IDs. "Do I look like a Phil Goldfarb?" asks Aryan Josh in a shoutout to the show's producer. Harrison's fake-ID name is Ryan Murphy (a shoutout to the show's executive producer), and Sugar Daddy's is Michael Robin (a shoutout to the show's director). Where's Gustave? "The secret to underage passing is being cool," says Sugar Daddy. That "cool" song from the West Side Story soundtrack comes on, only it's sung by someone who sounds like an old queen in a West Village piano lounge. They've also given the song some unfunny raunchy lyrics like, "I need a stripper or I'll pop my zipper." It makes me want to shower. They all whip out Tom Cruise shades and shimmy down the hall. Ha ha not.
They approach the club, which is called Breasts and Thighs. Two men exit the club wearing trench coats and no pants. Um, okay. They start to enter the club, but the bouncer doesn't let them in because he knows Sugar Daddy and how old he really is. He suggests that they come back with an adult. What is this, a strip club or an R-rated movie?
Nicole and Mary Cherry watch the E! Channel on a portable TV set in the cafeteria. Steve Smetko reports that Cherry Cherry is marrying Erik Estrada and "she expects after years of emptiness to rear her first child." Mary Cherry and Nicole are stunned that Cherry Cherry is denying MC's existence. "I'm nothing but a faint memory," says MC. "Faint?" says Nicole. "You're like that Kennedy kid they stuck up in the attic." "This is a crime!" exclaims Mary Cherry. "Like that Rasta . . . cohenstein." Nicole suggests that they bring about "punishment" for this crime. Okay, we get it. Crime and Punishment is the motif of every plot line tonight, and no one can pronounce Raskolnikov's name. Can we move on?
San Francisco. Gallery opening at Kelly Foster's gallery. People dressed in black. Massive Attack-ish music playing. Kelly Foster doing the hostess thing. Sam crashes the opening, breaks into Kelly's office, and rifles around in Kelly's stuff looking for clues. Kelly walks in on Sam. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Kelly. "Looking for proof," says Sam self-righteously. Kelly tells Sam to get out or she'll be arrested. Thankfully no one mentions Crime or being Extraordinary for once. Sam insists that she knows that Kelly is Brooke's mother, and she holds up a photo of Brooke, which I guess is supposed to stun Kelly momentarily and keep her from calling the police. "This is the daughter you abandoned!" says Sam, handing Kelly the photo. Kelly looks at the photo and again denies being Brooke's mother. "That cool and controlled icy thing you just did?" says Sam. "Your daughter's got that down in spades." Brooke is controlled and icy? Since when? Brooke breaks out in a guilty sweat if she eats an extra M&M! Sam walks out, leaving the picture with Kelly and giving her Magic Marker eyebrows a victory raise.
The palace. Brooke and the Lilmen prepare hors d'oeuvres for the shower. The Lilmen whine that they've checked everywhere for Sam, but they can't find her anywhere and they should tell Jane. Brooke tells the other girls what Nicole thought about Sam only wanting attention, and that telling Jane would only play right into Sam's plan to ruin the shower. The Lilmen argue that Sam has been gone for ten hours. Brooke, who is starting to look nervous, i.e. the very opposite of "icy and controlled," points out that the police make you wait 48 hours before you can report a missing person. The Lilmen insist that they should tell someone. Brooke begs them not to because it would ruin the bridal shower. Lily splits briefly from the Lilmen and agrees. Jane enters. "Where's Sam?" she asks. Carmen starts to tell Jane Everything, but before she can, Brooke interrupts and tells Jane that Sam is sleeping over at Harrison's. "Don't worry, she'll be back in time for the shower," says Brooke. "Thanks for the help, girls," says Jane, clueless. Brooke and Lilmen are like, no problem. The girls look really guilty. I Mean, you'd think they'd just broke Mom's favorite vase playing ball in the house or something.
San Francisco. Sam "The San Francisco Trick" McPherson calls Lily's machine from a payphone to tell her that she's alive and well, and asks Lily not to tell anyone where she is. Not that she actually tells Lily where she is or anything. "I'm okay . . . sort of," she says, and hangs up.
Kennedy High. The stairway of confrontation. Sugar Daddy, Josh, Harrison, and Emory try in vain to think up some ways to enter the strip club. Guys, just download some porn from the Internet or buy a copy of Cosmo; things have changed since Happy Days. Emory suggests they get a faculty member to escort them. I'm sure that Studly Vice Principal Calvin Krupps or Mr. Grant (Chad Lowe) are stupid enough to chaperone the boys, but Josh suggests Bio Glass. Sugar Daddy nixes that idea, because the inside scoop is that Bio is banned from the club for life. Heh. Brooke enters. She asks Josh if he can throw her father a bachelor party. Whoa! How pathetic is Mike McQueen that his own daughter has to go around begging sixteen-year-old boys to hang out with him? Then again, what do you expect from a man who voluntarily wants to legally make Sam his daughter. The boys are psyched that they have an adult male at their disposal who has nothing better to do than escort some teens to a stripper bar. Brooke is grateful. While she's thanking them, the Lilmen interrupt her and whisk her away to listen to the message that Sam left on Lily's machine. The boys do a dance that sends spasms of pain through my colon.
Brooke and the Lilmen listen to Sam's message on Lily's cell phone, which gets more screen time these days than Freddy Gong, the Tuna Twins, or Poppy combined. Brooke is heartened by the fact that Sam says she's "okay." The Lilmen point out that Sam's exact words were that she was "okay . . . sort of." "That 'sorta' is a sign that she can hear that sewing machine working," says Carmen, who then proceeds to give a detailed synopsis of her fears that Sam is trapped in a hole somewhere being made into a "man-vest." They cut to a fantasy sequence in which Sam is trapped in a well a la Silence of the Lambs, being forced to moisturize by a cross-dresser carrying a toy poodle named Precious. This sequence isn't that funny although there is one funny part, when Sam yells "Shut up, Precious, you stupid bitch!" ["And was that Harrison as Buffalo Bill?" -- Sars] Brooke is determined not to let Sam ruin the wedding and convinces the Lilmen not to say a word. They agree to wait until Sam calls again. When she does, they'll threaten to bust her unless she comes home immediately. I so do not care.
Moving on to Nicole and Mary Cherry, thank God! Mary Cherry enters the Novak, exasperated that her Notorious B.I.G. tattoo didn't phase her mother or get her any attention: "So much for my devious scheme of becoming a gangsta bitch." Nicole reminds Mary Cherry that she's trying to punish her mother and not herself. "Then I'll marry an even bigger star than Erik Estrada and deny my mama's existence!" says Mary Cherry, thinking real hard. "I know! Lee Majors, the Fall Guy!" Wanda Rickets, the cheerleader from Lynyrd Skynyrd High in Tupelo, enters from a stall as Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell" plays in the background. Nicole and MC ask Wanda what she's doing in the Novak when she's not even a student at Kennedy. Wanda explains that she's been living there ever since she ran away from home. MC asks Wanda to leave for hygienic reasons. Wanda explains that she's addicted to industrial blue toilet-bowl cleaner. She goes back into her stall, and MC and Nicole follow her, only to find that it's furnished to the nines: a dressing table, cosmetics, a boom box, several cases of diet soda, and a neon sign that says "I've got Rickets!" When they ask her how she can afford to support herself and buy all this stuff, Wanda alludes to a job she has that is shameful and qualifies her as "teen trash." Nicole and Mary Cherry want to know more about this job. "Is there anyway that I, Mary Cherry, could also become filthy teen trash like yourself and punish my mama?" asks Mary Cherry. They promise to buy her a case of the blue toilet bowl cleaner in exchange for more information.
San Francisco. Kelly Foster arrives at work to find Sam sleeping on the stoop of her gallery wearing another runaway outfit: red pants, a blue trench coat over a hooded sweatshirt, and a shocking pink chenille hat. Uh, Sam? The reason that runaways wear lots of layers and look so disheveled is because the only clothes they own are the clothes on their backs, which they wear day after day so they get dirty and rumpled. It's not like a runaway has a series of dirty and rumpled layered outfits to change into each and every morning. Kelly is all buddy-buddy for some reason, waking Sam up and inviting her in for lunch and a girl talk. It's lunchtime already and Sam is still sleeping on the street? Sam asks Kelly what there is to talk about. "A lot, actually," says Kelly. "I am Brooke's mother." Oh great, encourage the girl, why don't you!
The Palace. The shower has begun, and yes, Jane McPherson actually has friends her own age. They don't talk at all, 'cause God forbid these dorky middle-aged women should get paid for speaking roles, but it's nice to see that Jane has a life. The Lilmen and Brooke are hanging out by the kitchen stairs, trying to act casual. The Lilmen says that it's time to panic and assume that Sam is a man-vest. More references to Crime and Punishment and how if Raskolnikov had only held out long enough, he would have gotten away with his crime. Shut up already. Brooke has an idea about how to get through the shower without Jane realizing that Sam's not there. "Sam's a journalist, right?" asks Brooke. "Carmen is fat, right?" asks Gustave. "Does she tape her interviews?" asks Brooke, her eyes widening craftily.
San Francisco. Photo gallery office. Kelly shows Sam her most valued possession: a cheesy "art" photo of a mother and child, which, she helpfully explains, is entitled "Mother and Child." Kelly bought the photo at an auction but doesn't know who the artist is. Oooooh! Symbolism! "I guess you're always drawn to things that are a mystery to you." Kelly apologizes to Sam for lying to her. Sam urges Kelly to come back and reunite with Brooke, but Kelly explains that she can't. Due to her dysfunctional childhood and her unhappiness in her marriage, she found she was as awful to Brooke as her own mother was to her. She ran away so she wouldn't hurt her. Blah blah blah Alice Miller-cakes. Sam explains that running away has hurt Brooke anyway -- which is Sam-speak for "you're hurting me by running away because now Brooke is going to be my sister and I'll feel inadequate for the rest of my life because I have no perspective on anything." "Sounds like she really needs someone to help her," says Kelly, giving Sam a ray of hope. Kelly's husband enters. He's played by Ray Wise, Laura Palmer's father in Twin Peaks. Hooray for stunt casting. Kelly pretends that Sam is a student at Berkeley for the benefit of her husband, because he doesn't know about Kelly's past.
The strip club. The boys have Mr. McQueen blindfolded and have put headphones on him so he can't hear, making him unaware of where they are. The bouncer still won't let them in; he only told them to bring an adult because he didn't think they'd actually convince one of their parents to bring them. The boys implore Harrison to give an earnest speech to melt the bouncer's heart. I'd summarize the speech for you, but we've all seen Ferris Bueller already. The speech works, and the boys are allowed inside.
Back at the Palace bathroom, the girls use tapes of Sam interviewing people for the Zapruder Reporter to convince Jane that Sam is in her room and can't come out because she's sick. This trick wasn't all that compelling when it first showed up in Woody Allen's Manhattan Murder Mystery, and it's not doing anything for me here. Jane doesn't really fall for it and enters looking for Sam anyway. Quick-thinking Lily hides in the shower with towel over her head, creating a Sam-like silhouette. This kills two birds with one stone: it convinces Jane that Sam is home, and it gives Lily a chance to show off her bazooms under her wet top while in a household full of women who probably aren't going to sexually harass her. But seriously, Lily looks really cute yet again in this episode.
Inside the strip club. Shots of rotisserie chicken and alterna-strippers: older ladies, some girls who I think are men in drag, and a woman with osteoporosis and back fat shimmying all over the pole. The boys eat their chicken, enraptured by all this bare flesh, and ignore the queries of Mr. McQueen as to where they are. The stage empties and the bouncer comes out and introduces a "trio of naughty amateurs." The song "Jailbait" plays while Mary Cherry, Wanda, and Nicole take the stage under the names Erika Estrada, Miss Lola, and Brooke McQueen respectively. Mary Cherry is dressed in a policewoman's uniform and spanks herself a lot. Wanda looks like a fifty-year-old British barmaid strung out on Valium in her slip dress and feathered headdress. Nicole is doing a prepubescent Max Hardcore "victim" look with pigtails and a short plaid skirt. She rides the pole like a schoolyard merry-go-round. The bouncer videotapes Mary Cherry's act for her to send to Melissa Rivers of E!. Harrison is horrified. Emory is smitten with Wanda. Mr. McQueen takes off his blindfold, realizes what's going on, and tries to get the underage strippers off-stage. Relax, Mike -- these three girls have been legal adults for quite a long time, if you know what I mean. Mike's actions draw the attention of an undercover police officer, who busts Mike for smuggling underage teens into a strip club and watching underage strippers. The undercover cop, incidentally, is the same guy who played Emory's incompetent lawyer and the Zen master in other episodes. He's the Asian Godfrey.
The Palace shower. Jane announces to her mute friends that her daughter Sam should be down momentarily for the opening of the presents. Brooke and Carmen come down to the kitchen without Lily, who I guess is drying off upstairs, and tells Jane that Sam is too sick to come down so they should open the presents without her. Jane can't fathom opening presents without Sam for some reason, so Carmen insists that Sam really can't make it. Jane starts to question Carmen, who is a) freaked out about having to lie and b) unnerved at being separated from Lily's side for the first time this entire episode, and Carmen pukes all over the presents. No, I swear. The writers thought it would be lotsa laughs to have Carmen vomit green slime all over the place. "Sam's been kidnapped!" confesses Carmen. "Sorry!"
San Francisco. That gallery. Sam is still pressuring Kelly to come back to LA and stop the wedding. Kelly has her own Crime and Punishment moment and talks of being unable to change the past and being "imprisoned" by the memories of the daughter she left behind. She tells Sam that she can't go back, but she gives Sam the dorky "Mother and Child" photo in exchange for a picture of Brooke. Sam leaves with it; Kelly stares at Brooke's picture, fake cries, and acts contrite.
The strip club. Asian Godfrey has rounded up the boys, the girls, and Mr. McQueen, who he calls a pedophile. Harrison tries to take the blame for everything since he thought he was a teen Raskolnikov and blindfolded Mr. McQueen and made him come. "What about the girls?" says Asian Godfrey. "They're just whores," says Harrison. Ha! Mike McQueen is arrested anyway. "But we were just here for the chicken!" protests Josh.
The Palace. "Thank you for a lovely bridal shower," says Jane bitterly, looking every single one of her thirty-four years (or at least the ones that IMDB is admitting to). The shower is over, and Brooke and the Lilmen are apologizing all over the place. Jane expresses outrage and disbelief that the girls lied to her, because normal teenagers never cover for each other or anything. She calls the police and starts bitching out the officer who asks her to hold. "What kind of world do we live in where we have to wait to report a child's disappearance?" says Jane. Hmmmm. I'm starting to understand where Sam got that chip on her shoulder. Harrison enters with a basket of chicken and cash. They explain that they have been out raising bail money for Mike, who is in prison. Josh blames Brooke for Mike's imprisonment, since it was Brooke who told them to take Mike out for a bachelor party. "Oh my God!" says Brooke. "I am Raskolnikov!" Brooke, if you're Raskolnikov, then Dawson is Jean Luc Godard. Before the strip-club scenario can be explained to Jane, Sam appears. For some reason, Lily and Brooke are shown turning their heads to look at her in slow motion, as though the act of looking at Sam is as dramatic as crossing the finish line of an Olympic marathon or torching a Vietnamese village. Jane does the old are-you-okay-good-because-I-am-going-to-kill-you routine. Jane, if you kill Sam, I'll totally help you hide the body!
Later in the Palace bathroom, Brooke moisturizes while Sam explains how she ran away to try to figure some things out. What is the deal with moisturization this week? Through their conversation, it is established that the wedding money was used as bail, but that Cherry Cherry saved the day by suggesting a double wedding and paying for the whole thing, "eradicating" the girls of their "crimes." Brooke is saddened by Sam telling her that Cherry Cherry is holding a double wedding in order to make it hard to notice Mary Cherry -- whatever that means. "At least she has a mother," says Sam. "You have a mother," says Sam. "Her name is . . . [pregnant pause] Jane McPherson." "I'm really glad that you're back," says Brooke.
Jane sponges down the kitchen looking really hag-like. Sam gives her a shower present. It's the "Mother and Child" photo, which Jane just loves. Sam apologizes and explains that she was afraid that she'd lose Jane as a mother after the wedding. "You're not losing me," says Jane. "Nothing will break us apart. We're a team no matter what." Jane's obviously a much stronger person than I am, because I'd totally be on the phone with some black-market adoption agencies trying to sell Sam off. They hug.