The show begins with a dream of Sam's. This sequence is entitled "What Ever Happened to Sam McPherson?" It's a parody of the camp classic What Ever Happened to Baby Jane, starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. A little background here for those of you who may not be familiar with this movie: for a post WWII/Pre-Stonewall gay man, a viewing of this film is generally considered as important to one's development as a Bar Mitzvah is for a Jewish adolescent. Ever wonder why drag queens are always saying, "But ya are in that chair, Blanche! Ya are!" to each other? It all stems from WEHTBJ. It's about two elderly sisters who used to be big stars and hate each other. Blanche, the good one, is crippled, and thus Baby Jane, the evil one, takes care of her and uses her physical advantage to make Blanche's life a living hell. I don't know what it is biologically, culturally or otherwise about being gay that makes one shriek with laughter over the sight of a chair-bound, teary-eyed Joan Crawford being served a rat for dinner or Bette Davis, wearing way too much pancake makeup, singing "I'm Writing a Letter to Daddy," but what this implies about my people disturbs me.
Anyway, I didn't see a What Ever Happened to Baby Jane parody coming until season, nor did I think it would be Sam and Brooke acting out the Blanche and Baby Jane roles, but as the Bentley convertible pulls up to the gate in black-and-white and that sinister music plays in the background, I fax an invoice to Ryan Murphy. Sam as Baby Jane stops at the gate and tells Brooke as Blanche that she can't believe that their parents are getting married, and that therefore Sam and Brooke will be linked for all eternity. Eternity? What Muslim country does Sam think she's in where marriages last that long? "That means that you'll be forever standing in my blonde cheerleading shadow," says Brooke as she goes to open the gate. Sam hits the gas and rams into Brooke with the car.
The year is 2025. A pleated chiffon-wearing Sam/Baby Jane calls "Nicole Julian's House of Booze" and asks them to deliver a couple dozen wine coolers. Heh. "Whaddya mean you can't deliver it?" asks Sam/Baby Jane. "Whaddya mean you need my sister to approve it?" As an intercom buzzes in the background, Sam/Baby Jane imitates Brooke/Blanche's voice and authorizes the booze delivery. Brooke/Blanche keeps buzzing the intercom and Sam/Baby Jane loses it. "All right already Miss Brooke McQueen!" yells Sam. "I know you want your dinner, Miss High and Mighty!"
Sam/Baby Jane appears in Brooke/Blanche's bedroom. Brooke/Blanche is wearing a Glamazon uniform and watching an old video of herself and Nicole dancing. Sam/Baby Jane turns off the video and throws the remote across the room. Brooke/Blanche tells Sam that she's selling the house and putting Sam/Baby Jane into a nursing home for failed teen journalists. Sam/Baby Jane slaps Brooke/Blanche and forbids the sale of the house. "I call the shots around here," says Sam/Baby Jane. "It's not like it was in high school." "You wouldn't be able to treat me this way if I wasn't in this chair!" screams Brooke/Blanche. "But ya are in that chair, Brooke." says Sam/Baby Jane. "Ya are!" And of course Brooke/Blanche's dinner is a rat from the cellar. What would a sixteen-year-old girl be doing dreaming about a campy film like WEHTBJ? I imagine that the drag queen who contoured Sam's eyebrows probably turned her on to it.
A mohawked Sam wakes up gasping for air. She enters the bathroom and tells Brooke that they've got to talk. Brooke tells Sam that she had a WEHTBJ dream as well. They agree to join forces to stop the wedding between their parents.
Credits. Please would everyone go to the WB's Web site and vote for the parents to be the ones who die in the season finale? Vote often.
Kennedy cafeteria. Sam has hair again -- it's a wig that Mary Cherry gave her, and it looks a lot better than her so-called real hair usually. She no longer has those dumb-ass bangs. Harrison asks Brooke and Sam why they're so bent out of shape about the upcoming wedding. Nicole explains that if the ringleaders of the "popular" and "unloved alternative" groups became official step-sisters, it would upset the natural order: "A merging would muddy the lines, causing both teen girls to wonder, 'Who am I? Where do I fit in?'" says Nicole. "In short, 'We Are Family' is a disco tune we ain't going to be singing at this school, kids. Got it?" Nicole, who supposedly is sporting her own hair, looks dreadful. It looks like she royally pissed off the set hairdresser, who decided to make her over to look like a lab rat that Lily would go on a crusade to save.
Carmen and Lily enter, still in mohawks. Nicole calls them Sid and Nancy. Carmen begs for her wig. "We're scaring small children," says Carmen. Nicole taunts Lily and Carmen by pulling out a pair of wigs with Lily and Carmen's hairstyles and showing them how lifelike they are. Lily offers to buy them and asks what Sam had to do to get hers. Nicole explains that Sam gave her a style column in the Zapruder Reporter. Lily calls Sam a traitor. Sam apologizes: "I needed hair!" Lily makes the mistake of telling Nicole that the feud between their two groups is over because of the wedding between Sam and Brooke's parents. "Just get over it and give us the wigs," whines Lily. "Brooke and Sam have gotten over it." "Think again, Madeleine Mohawk," says Nicole. "Brooke and Sam want this wedding stopped almost as much as I do." Brooke and Sam nod in agreement. Carmen and Lily stomp off. Brooke and Sam plead with Nicole to stop the feud and give them the wigs. "Let me be clear," says Nicole. "In our society today with parents who barely have time to raise us, our friends become our family. And this means that I have the right to choose my family, and I don't want Lily and Carmen to be my sisters just as you, Brooke, don't want Spam to be yours. It's a simple as that." Sam and Brooke agree. Okay, so let me just review here: Carly Pope is sporting her own hair that she's pretending is a wig, but it looks better than her pre-blonde hair ever did. Tammy Lynn Michaels is not supposed to be wearing a wig, but her hair looks worse than anyone's hair, natural or otherwise. Tamara Mello and Sara Rue are wearing wigs to make them look like Lily and Carmen have Mohawks, but are supposed to be craving wigs that have been made to look like Carmen and Lily's real hair. Furthermore, the Browns and the Blondes, who are supposedly feuding, are sitting peacefully at the same cafeteria table talking about trying to prevent the groups from merging. I don't think suspension of disbelief covers it anymore. More like expulsion of disbelief.
Enter Mary Cherry. She's in a rage over the fact that her mother is getting married to Erik Estrada. "The actor from ChiPs?" asks Harrison. Mary Cherry confirms this. Josh and Harrison start popping straight-guy boners over this news. Josh asks if he can get Erik Estrada to sign his Ponch doll. Mary Cherry laments the fact that she never sees her mother whenever Cherry Cherry gets married. Sam asks Mary Cherry how this came about.
Flashback. "My horror began one month ago," narrates Mary Cherry. "When my mother began seeing the city's best psychiatrist, Dr. Joel Pudmerkin. She'd been experiencing horrible dreams, tormenting flashbacks of her police brutality." Cherry Cherry's therapist, who is played by the same dude who was impersonating Gwyneth Paltrow's personal shopper, convinces Cherry Cherry to confront the police officer who drove her over the edge. Since the real policeman that Cherry Cherry assaulted "went underground," they get Erik Estrada, who looks like the police officer, to re-enact the abuse and bring closure to Cherry Cherry. Erik Estrada is skeptical about doing this. "I'm paying you $100,000 to free me from torment," says Cherry Cherry. "Are you game, Erik Estrada? Or is my money not green enough?" Erik gets up to reenact the abuse with Cherry Cherry. "What the Erik Estrada look-alike did, after I slugged him, was grab my arm," says Cherry Cherry. Erik weakly takes Cherry Cherry's arm. "Maybe I got the wrong actor," says Cherry Cherry. "Are you Erik Estrada, macho Latin star of ChiPs? Or one of those wussy white gals from Sex in the City?" Erik Estrada rises to the challenge and overpowers Cherry Cherry. She gets turned on, and they do it right there in the shrink's office.
Back to the present. "Good one, Mary Cherry," says Brooke. "I almost bought it!" Everyone else laughs at Mary Cherry's skylarking. Much to everyone's surprise, Erik Estrada enters the cafeteria, and the ChiPs theme plays. He tells Mary Cherry that he's picking her up after school so she can go get her vaccinations. Harrison and Josh are all aflutter and ask for his autograph. Erik obliges and signs a paper of Harrison's with a Ponch-shaped pen. "Put that pen away, Erik Estrada!" says Mary Cherry. "Listen up cause I'm only gonna say this once. There's only one star in this family and it's me. Got it?" Erik leaves, but not before telling Josh and Harrison to check out his website.
Brooke's locker. The Sam and Brooke scheme to break up their parents later that day, with a plan that involves panties and "slutbomb" lipstick.
Somewhere else in the Kennedy hallway. Mary Cherry is in a hateful mood over Erik Estrada. Nicole suggests that they make Lily and Carmen earn their wigs . . . the hard way.
The Novak. Lily and Carmen are stuffing blue cheese into grapes. Has anyone else heard of such an hors d'oeuvre? I haven't, but it sounds really tasty -- unless of course it's being prepared in a public high school girls' bathroom. Lily is complaining about the smell of the cheese. Carmen keeps her spirits up by reminding her of the wigs they'll get. Nicole and Mary Cherry enter and make them start all over again because they wanted the grapes to be peeled. Nicole must really be losing her edge because I could think of a hundred other ways to torture Lily. Grapes and cheese? How about veal cutlets and styrofoam cups? A huge leopard skin-clad ass confronts the camera as Mary Cherry bends over to flush the unpeeled blue-cheese grapes down the toilet.
The Palace. Sam shows her mother a pair of black panties she found in the hamper. Momma Jane wants to know what Sam is getting at. "I think that Mike has a girlfriend on the side who wears black lace," says Sam. "Okay," says Jane. "Why then would her panties end up in my hamper?" Brooke enters carrying a laundry basket. "Oh, well, men will often collect trophies of their conquests," says Brooke sarcastically. Sam and Brooke fight over Mike's guilt. Brooke drops a lipstick-stained shirt by "accident," and pretends to cover up for her father. Jane searches further inside Brooke's basket and finds a hotel confirmation for the "Sweet Sin Palace" in one of Mike's pockets, as well as more black lace underthings. The girls give each other secret thumbs-up signs. "You see, Mom," says Sam. "You're marrying a ho!"
Later that night at dinner, Jane confronts Mike in front of the girls. Mike denies having an affair. The girls cave. So much for Plan A. Mike and Jane announce that they are all going to attend some family therapy sessions. Hmm, this therapist wouldn't be named Dr. Pudmerkin, would he? They also announce rather callously that Mike is adopting Sam and Jane is adopting Brooke. The girls are horrified.
Another WEHTBJ dream, but this time Brooke is Baby Jane and Sam is Blanche. Leslie Bibb rocks so much harder as Baby Jane than Carly Pope ever did. And I'm a gay man, remember, so I get to make these pronouncements. Sam/Blanche suggests to Brooke/Baby Jane that they get family counseling. Brooke/Baby Jane slaps her and tells her that she's spending the money on a boob job. Brooke wakes up to find that Sam is sitting at her bedside with a box of product-placed Honeycomb cereal. Sam has had the dream too. They both agree to present a unified front at the family counseling session that day.
The girls' locker room. Lily and Carmen are scrubbing Mary Cherry and Nicole's butts with loofahs. It's important to note that Carmen is scrubbing Nicole's butt and Lily is scrubbing Mary Cherry's butt. And everyone thinks that Tara and Willow are such the same-sex pioneers. A bunch of other girls appear in towels. It appears they read Nicole's style column in the Zapruder and heard that Lily and Carmen were scrubbing butts for free. Somewhere in Hollywood, David E. Kelley has just buzzed his assistant and asked him to bring him his lotion and tissue caddy and close the door behind him on his way out.
The palace. Brooke comes home, and Jane is sitting in the kitchen poring over bridal magazines and complaining about how hard it is to find a decent gown. Jane wins Brooke over by talking about her first wedding and how she wore these Pat Benetar-ish red leather pants. "You loved Sam's dad very much, didn't you?" says Brooke, obviously comparing Jane to her own runaway mom. Jane answers that she did. Brooke tells Jane that she's a good person, but it takes her like nine minutes to say it because she keeps pausing and going "uh" a lot. Brooke picks out a dress for Jane in the magazine and suggests that they get a wedding planner.
Nothing makes me laugh harder than those foam rubber bats used in therapy to safely express anger toward a loved one. Nothing comes close! Well . . . 'cept for the comic acting of Tori Spelling. Ever since The Jeffersons went to therapy and used them, I have just been charmed by their presence and always longed to find a therapist who'd let me use one. Freud and Jung both wrote extensively about their beneficial uses (although back then they were made of pine cones treated with castor oil), and the marriage counselor of OJ and Nicole tried getting them to use them. Unfortunately, Spencer's Gifts had just run out of them on that fateful day in 1994 and, well, we all know what happened after that. In Pudmerkin's office, Mary Cherry is using one on Erik Estrada. Oh, I'm just laughing while I type this sentence. These bats are just so funny, the humor they convey never gets dated or old. Never! Cherry Cherry asks Pudmerkin to put Mary Cherry on lithium. Pudmerkin asks Erik if he really wants to marry into this family. Erik proclaims his undying love for Cherry Cherry. Cherry Cherry tells Pudmerkin that she's always wanted to break Liz Taylor's marriage record. Mary Cherry vows never to accept Erik as her stepfather. Erik presents Mary Cherry with a ChiPs crew jacket, a hunk of wood from the Hollywood Squares set, and a request for Mary Cherry to be interviewed for an E! special. Mary Cherry melts. She and Erik hug. "Circle gets the square," says Cherry Cherry, choking back tears.
Sam, Brooke, Jane, and Michael wait in Pudmerkin's waiting room for their session. How did I know they were going to see Pudmerkin? While they wait, Mr. Vincent enters the waiting room to get something he left behind. What? You don't remember who Mr. Vincent was? Mr. Vincent was the flaming gay black guy who directed Josh in South Pacific before Miss Ross took over. I don't think I've been so moved by the return of a beloved character since Oz came back to Buffy last week. I mean, you know what they say: if Mr. Vincent can come back to Popular, the show that launched him to super-stardom, then Brenda can most certainly turn up on the series finale. They say he left for a film career, but everyone knows that he was canned from Popular because he was overshadowing the cast with his charisma and making everyone jealous at having such a deep, well-written character. I mean, who but Meshach Taylor from Designing Women could possibly meet the challenge of such a role? And who needs interesting characteristics when you've got "black" and "gay"? When you're black and gay, the pizzazz finds you! And when you're black, gay, and a director of musicals, there's a pizzazz shortage throughout the world from all the pizzazz juice that's being sucked up. Anyway, Mr. Vincent is in therapy with Pudmerkin also and has left teaching to become a wedding planner. Oh. My. God. I cannot think of anything more hilarious than a gay wedding planner. Ever since they ended the Father of the Bride series (only one sequel? The fuck?), I have longed for Martin Short to do more comedy involving gay wedding planners, because I can't get enough of that mincing and that funny accent. No, I can't! The Cherry/Estrada party exits Pudmerkin's office, and the McPherson/McQueen clan looks on in amazement. Brooke is either wearing a top by Issey Miyake, or the costume department forgot to iron her shirt.
Dr. Pudmerkin's office. The McPherson/McQueen clan sit on the couch together. Sam hits Jane with one of those bats. Stop it, Sam, I'm getting snot all over my keyboard! Those bats are so funny! Brooke hits Sam. Oops, there goes the top button on my pants! I'm just guffawing! Pudmerkin asks Brooke why she hit Sam. Jeez, Pudmerkin, does anyone really need a reason to hit Sam? The only thing I want to know is, why did Brooke only use a foam bat? Why not a two-by-four with nails hammered through it? Pudmerkin suggests that Brooke is not really on Sam's side and wants the marriage to work out so she can have Jane as a mom. Brooke admits that she wants to be Jane's daughter. Hugs all around, except Sam. Sam attacks Brooke with a foam bat. Brooke fights back. Soon everyone is bashing each other with those foam bats. Oh my! I'm laughing so hard, all my internal organs have just come up through my throat!
Josh and Harrison eat lunch with Lily and Carmen. The guys can't eat because of the sight of the mohawks. Harrison and Josh lose their appetites completely and leave when they find out that Carmen and Lily scrubbed Nicole and Brooke's asses. Lily and Carmen bemoan their loser status. Two "punk" boys approach them and ask the girls to hang out at the 7-11 with them and help them overthrow the government. They also try to sell them a kitten with worms. Lily and Carmen run away. "Buy our wormy kitten or we'll kill you, bitches," one of the punk boys yells after them.
In an empty classroom, Sam bitches Brooke out about her 180-degree turn. Brooke explains that her situation is different. Sam doesn't have a father because he's dead, but Sam knows he loved her. Brooke's mother is alive but won't see her. "I really don't have a mother," says Brooke.
The Novak. Mary Cherry practices being interviewed by E!. Nicole asks her practice questions. Mary Cherry's cell phone rings. It's Cherry Cherry. "The weddings off, drop ten pounds!" shouts Cherry Cherry into the phone. Mary Cherry is devastated. Nicole asks her what's wrong: "Did they drop you for someone more famous like Marilu Henner?" Heh.
Sam walks down the hall, serenaded on the soundtrack by someone who sounds like Sophie B. Hawkins's less talented cousin. Harrison notices that she's looking sad and asks what's up. "Do you think I'm in danger of becoming a bitch?" asks Sam. "Becoming"? Sam goes on to explain that she's lost her father and now she's losing her mother to Brooke, and that she can't help the way that she feels. Harrison tries to argue with her, but Sam's self-pity easily overwhelms Harrison's optimism.
The palace. Jane lets Brooke try on her wedding veil. Sam is outside, looking in the window Glenn Close-style. Brooke twirls around in slow motion. Jane keeps telling Brooke how "beautiful" she is. All we need to complete the scene is a raging snowstorm or some matches for Sam to sell in the street. Sam, no one told you that you couldn't come in. It's your house too. If you don't want to deal with your mother and Bridal Barbie, you can always go upstairs and sulk in your room. Stop pressing your nose against the glass. They can see you!
Kennedy hallway. Sam asks Nicole for help. Nicole doesn't want to be seen with Sam, let alone talk to her. Sam offers her money. They meet in the Novak. Sam asks Nicole to help her break up the marriage. Nicole waves Sam off, saying that since Brooke doesn't want the wedding, it won't happen. Sam assures Nicole that Brooke is all for the wedding and is hanging out with Sam's mother all day long. She also adds that Jane doesn't think that Nicole is a good influence on Brooke, and someday Brooke will blow off Nicole for that very reason. Nicole agrees to help.
The Palace. Jane, Brooke, and Mike scurry around, trying to organize the wedding and delegate responsibilities. Sam comes downstairs and offers to help by dropping off the check at the church, 'cause you know it's just so easy to just walk into a church and get it reserved for a wedding in two weeks. Jane is touched by Sam's sudden desire to help.
Kennedy. Nicole and Sam talk on the stairs. Sam tells Nicole what she did. Nicole is disappointed, because her plan was to seduce the priest while Sam took pictures and got him de-frocked, not to fuck with the schedule. Nicole takes the check from Sam and tells her that she'll handle the rest.
Novak. Mary Cherry enters and call out for Lily and Carmen: "It's time to tidy up the bushes!" Lily and Carmen ambush her and shave half her head. Interestingly, Lily holds her down on the very same ottoman on which she tried to strangle Mary Cherry in the "Caged" episode. They're gonna kiss real soon. Lily and Carmen threaten to shave the rest of Mary Cherry's head unless MC gives them the wigs. At first, MC stalls: "I can still turn this into a teen trend." Finally she relents and gives them her locker combo, which is her dream measurements: 34-8-34. They give her the wormy kitty. Cherry Cherry enters and announces that not only is the wedding still on, but the E interview is happening -- right now! Mary Cherry gives an interview looking like a "Make a Wish" kid.
Mr. Vincent gives a fashion show in the Palace kitchen. Lily, Carmen, Nicole, Sam, Brooke, and Jane are there to help pick out gowns for the big day. Of course everything is inappropriate for a tasteful wedding, because gay male fashion victims with no clue about putting on a normal suburban wedding are funnnnnnnnny! So's a queeny gay man introducing bridesmaid's gowns made by obscure Belgian designers. Sam suggests they design their own gowns. Jane is again touched by Sam's supposed turnaround on the wedding issue. Mr. Vincent is peeved at having to deal with something as time-consuming as self-designed gowns. I've said it before, I'll say it again. There is nothing in this world that is more hilarious than a bitchy gay male wedding planner. Nothing! Before anyone can commend Sam on her maturity, Nicole announces to everyone how Sam tried to sabotage the wedding and have the church reserved for two years from week instead of week. Nicole tells Jane that she thwarted Sam's plan and that the wedding will go on as planned. This wins points for Nicole in Jane's eyes. Jane is enraged at Sam for doing this "to the family." Sam protests that it's not her family.
As "She's Leaving Home" gets massacred by some woman who is not fit to be the Beatles' manicurist, Brooke finds a note from Sam in the palace bathroom. Sam writes in Bar Mitzvah-style handwriting that she's run away and hopes everyone will forgive her for ruining the wedding.
week, Sam tries to stop the wedding even more by finding Brooke's mom. Peggy Lipton guest stars.