A grade-school classroom. A bunch of little children are being sexually abused by their teachers and indoctrinated into a satanic cult. One teacher is cutting the ears off of a bunny in order to show the children what will happen to them if they tell their parents about the ritual sacrifices. It's awful. All of the kids are crying and vomiting all over themselves and the principal takes out a . . .
I'm sorry, I was just trying to sugarcoat tonight's episode but then I just realized that is my moral duty as an MBTV recapper to report the facts as I see them no matter how gruesome and disturbing they are. Here's what really happened to those kids: Lily is their guest speaker. She's giving a presentation on the evils of wearing fur. While wearing a white fur, she gives a dramatic reading. "I am a dirty, filthy fur wearer. I am a teen Cruella DeVille and I am gonna pay!" One of the tots is encouraged to spray a big red "M" on the back of Lily's fur. One little girls asks what the "M" stands for. Lily explains that the M stands for murder. "Gotta reach them while they're young," says Lily, winking at the ethnic-OK (tm Xixax) teacher. Ethnic-OK teacher winks back and tells the kids to say goodbye to Lily, and to wish her luck on her journey to Washington to pick up an award for "teen activist of the year." If Lily's teen activism award is being given to her by a right-wing organization who chose her because she did more this year to make liberals ashamed of themselves, then she definitely deserved it. The kids have questions for her. "Lily, what are the qualifications to become a bad-ass animal rights lady like yourself?" says Keisha, a sweet girl whose chubby-cheeked cuteness belies the fact that she has just been psychologically scarred for the rest of her life. "Be very tough and obnoxiously strident," advises Lily. "That is the only way to make it as an activist." Lily then proceeds to tell a story via flashback about how she was trying to save a lobster from being killed. Now I know what you, my readers, are thinking: "Gustave, I don't think I can handle anymore of this. Would you please skip tonight's recap and instead give us a meticulous and thorough description of the elective surgery that Lara Flynn Boyle had done to a certain part of her body last week, because I'm trying to keep this tuna sandwich I had for lunch from ending up all over my keyboard." I'm really sorry, people, I have to tell it like it is. If I'd wanted an easy assignment, I'd still be writing erotica for that amputee porn magazine.
One year ago. Croutons, that salad bar where Bio met Godfrey in the "Caged" episode. Lily is there to "suggest a savory alternative menu for National Sprouts Day." She spies a lobster named L'il Eddie in a fish tank. She finds out that the lobster has been "cooped up in its plexiglass prison" for five years because it has a bum right claw. She asks Senior Croutons, a portly Latin stereotype, how much he'd charge her to set L'il Eddie free in his natural habitat. "For you, girl with hair with color of mud, $5000." Cesar Croutons explains that he built a tank for him and the lobster has been draining his resources, so therefore Lily must pay for his initial investment. Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Hey, couldn't Senior Croutons simply throw out L'il Eddie, buy other non-gimp lobsters and sell them, and recoup his initial investment? I mean, who the hell installs a lobster tank in their restaurant featuring only one lobster?" Relax, kids, this is Popular. Nothing ever makes sense in this world. "Don't worry, L'il Eddie," says Lily as the B-52s' "Rock Lobster" plays in the background. "I will set you free if it's the last thing I do."
Flash forward to the grade-school classroom. Warning, theme alert. A little boy points out to Lily that a lobster has claws and a tough shell. "Can't they defend themselves?" Lily tells the little boy that creatures with the hardest exteriors have the softest insides. "Inside their tough shell is a nervous system ten times as sensitive as a human being's," says Lily. "When lobsters are cruelly boiled alive, their supersonic screams are so gut-wrenching that dogs within a ten-mile radius start whimpering." "Lord," says little Keisha. "Will L'il Eddie be boiled alive?" Lily informs the class proudly that she has purchased L'il Eddie for $5000, and that tonight she'll be picking him up from Croutons and sending him back to his lobster family in Maine. Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Hey, isn't Lily poor? And how did she track down L'il Eddie's family anyway? How did L'il Eddie's family survive all these years without being captured and eaten? If L'il Eddie goes back to Maine, what's to prevent him from being trapped and sent to another restaurant? With countless animals slaughtered every day for food, isn't Lily's crusade to save a single lobster a huge waste of time and money?" I have three words. Suspension. Of. Disbelief.
Croutons that day. Lily enters with a big smile on her face and a big container for L'il Eddie to be shipped home in. She approaches the tank and her smile fades. L'il Eddie is gone. "Hi, hon," shouts Mary Cherry from a nearby table. She has already eaten half of L'il Eddie. Lily screams. Mary Cherry gloats. I love Mary Cherry.
Biology class. Bio hands back term papers while Mary Cherry talks on her cell phone. Lily sits to her, looking at her disapprovingly. Bio complains about how bad everyone's term papers were. Oh, another theme-warning: the paper topic was "natural selection." Bio did love Brooke's paper though, gives her an "A" and compliments her on the leather binder she put it in. Sam gets a "D," and Bio admonishes her for how sloppy and dirty the paper looked. Lily complains about her "F." "A ten-page, single-spaced diatribe entitled 'Mary Cherry Must Die' just gives you a big ole case of the flunks," says Bio and tells Mary Cherry to put down her cell phone. Mary Cherry hangs up and tells Lily that Croutons is getting a new lobster today: L'il Eddie's sister L'il Babe. "Its destination?" says Mary Cherry. "Mah GULLET!" Lily has a fantasy about Mary Cherry in a lobster suit being boiled alive and begging Lily for mercy.
After class, Sam finds out from Bio that the only reason Brooke got a better grade than Sam was because Brooke's paper was packaged better, and Sam complains that it's not fair. Bio tells Sam that natural selection, the paper topic, is about "survival of the prettiest," and Brooke's paper fit right into that theory. "At one point I sat on her leather-encased report and pretended I was driving a Lexus," says Bio. Heh. Bio also tells Sam that she prefers Brooke's blonde hair to Sam's drab, coffee-colored rat's nest and might knock her grade down even further because of that.
Principal Hall's office. Harrison is summoned to see Principal Hall. When he arrives in her office, she introduces him to the new foreign exchange student from China, Exquisite Woo. Exquisite Woo doesn't speak English unlike a) most educated Chinese people and b) anyone who would come to an English-speaking country on an exchange program. ["I could tell you some stories about our foreign exchange student my junior year in high school, but everyone's nauseated enough -- let's just say English wasn't one of her many charms." -- Sars] Principal Hall makes Harrison be Exquisite's translater because Harrison once lived in China, which is news to me. I also think it's really nifty of Principal Hall to ask Harrison at the last minute, right in front of this woman, so he can't back out gracefully. But fortunately for everyone involved, Exquisite Woo is hot hot hot. She's even wearing one of those tight shiny dresses with a mandarin collar that is the official uniform of the hot Asian girl. Harrison's penis accepts for him, and Harrison escorts Miss Woo out of Principal Hall's office. Before he can get his hopes up, Exquisite tells him that he's not her type. Ting Tang Tong: that's the sound of Harrison's hope of getting laid this semester being chopped up by a Ginsu knife. As they pass Josh and Sugar Daddy's locker, the boys are entranced by this import from the Far East.
The Novak. Sam has three hair-dye kits and is trying to choose between Madonna's "Ray of Light" blonde, Gwyneth's "Shakey in Love" blonde or Britney's "Hit Me" blonde. Sam picks up the Gwyneth box and starts staring at it like a girl possessed. Carmen and Lily enter, and Sam explains to them that instead of, say, reporting Bio to the school board for looks-based favoratism, Sam is going to dye her hair blonde in order to improve her grade. Carmen and Lily are skeptical. Sam explains that Brooke gets everything handed to her on a silver platter because she's blonde. Actually, Sam, Brooke gets everything handed to her on a silver platter because she's skinny, but that's a whole other show . . . that we've already seen. "Wait," says Lily. "What does she win?" "Better grades, boyfriends," says Sam. "She even gets more meat." Flashback to dinner at the Palace: Mrs. McPherson serves dinner and gives the biggest pork chops to Brooke and her father. The smallest ones go to Sam and herself. I guess they're all on the Atkins diet, because the chops are all they they seem to be eating. "I deserve to taste the big meat of life," says Sam. Heh. "Sammy," says Lily. "You're right. It all makes perfect sense. Flashback to the day L'il Eddie died: Lily is screaming "Noooooooooo!" as Mary Cherry eats Lil' Eddie. "Mud hair, shut your mouth," says Cesar Croutons. "You are disturbing the rest of my good customers." Lily asks Cesar why he backed out of the deal. Cesar explains that Mary Cherry's haircolor enchanted him and he sold Lil' Eddie to her for $5. Lily trashes Croutons and ends up having to forfeit her $5,000 to pay for damages. "If I were blonde," says Lily in the present, "I could have saved Lil' Eddie's life." Carmen is convinced as well and points to Nicole's popularity as evidence. "Maybe if I went blonde and created an unnatural spotlight," says Carmen as she imagines Nicole walking down the hall being barraged with presents from male suitors, "I'd attract the power too. I'd be popular." "Ray of Light" by Madonna plays as the girls all dye their hair in a Clairol Herbal Essense state of bliss. This is only a TV show, kids. In real life, you really shouldn't dye your hair in a public bathroom during school hours without wearing those protective gloves that come in the box. You also shouldn't shake your head around a lot. If that dye gets in your eye, it's not fun.
Lunch. At the Blonde's table, Josh teases Sugar about inviting Exquisite Woo to sit with them at lunch. Sugar is annoyed that Josh assumes that he can get Exquisite because he's better looking. Harrison and Exquisite sit down. Josh asks Exquisite out using Harrison as a translator. Exquisite tells Josh through Harrison that she prefers Sugar Daddy because she senses that "Big Sugar's heart is as big as his waist." Before all the blondes can absorb the shock of Exquisite's unconventional decision, the newly-blonde Browns enter the cafeteria to a fanfare of techno music. What I don't understand is, if these blond 'dos are wigs anyway, why doesn't the costume department at least find nice wigs? These dye jobs look horrible. You know how sometimes when people with dark hair go blond and don't do a double-process bleach first, their hair looks orangey? That's how the Browns look. Brooke, Mary Cherry, and Nicole go over the the newly-blonde Browns and ask them what's up. The Browns tell the Blondes that they are going to take away the Blondes' power merely by borrowing their haircolor. The Blondes protest that their power has nothing to do with their haircolor. The two sides make a bet. If the Browns gain power by going blonde and the Blondes lose their power by going brown, the Blondes have to get mohawks. If not, the Browns have to get mohawks. In an homage to Ace and Sep's recap of the Buffy in which Faith inhabited Buffy's body, I'm going to hereby call the newly blond Browns, Blowns and the newly brown Blondes, Brondes.
The Novak. The Brondes have just finished dyeing their hair brown. Nicole and Brooke congradulate each other on still looking fabulous. Mary Cherry is horrified to discover that with brown hair, she looks uncannily like the young Barbra Streisand, and starts to channel her. "Yeah, I'm a cheerleader, but what I've always wanted to do was direct," says Mary Cherry in her best Fran Drescher voice while waving her nails at the camera. Nicole resolves that when they all go out into the hall they will still rule the school as the most popular clique. I think Leslie Grossman did musical theater in high school and college and all her friends were gay men. She has been dying to use the Streisand imitation she'd been perfecting all her life, and this episode is her chance.
Sugar Daddy, Exquisite Woo, and Sam are standing outside of Sugar's locker. Exquisite is speaking Chinese to Sugar, who doesn't have a clue what she's saying but is thrilled by the attention anyway. Sugar tells Sam that he's never been so happy and that he's falling in love. Sam tells Sugar that she's happy for him, and notices over at the end of the hall that Harrison has gone blond as well. Sam is entranced by Harrison in his new blondeness but tries to hide her lust. Harrison comes over and explains that he went blond to show his support for the Blowns. Harrison looks good as a blond, but in some scenes the light makes his hair look a skanky shade of Lilac.
The Brondes walk the hallway and people diss them. Where has April Tuna been? Well, tonight she has one line to Mary Cherry: "I loved you in Yentl." Everyone else throws food at them. Mary Cherry suggests that they'll all feel better if they go to Croutons and upset Lily by eating L'il Babe . "Forget about Croutons," Mary Cherry then says, spontaneously channeling Barbra. "Where's my Oscah for Prince a' Tides?" Somewhere in some gay bar with a television set, a thirtish gay man is trying to impress a conquest by bragging that he was friends with Leslie Grossman when they both went to Syracuse, and he taught her all her Streisand moves and even did her hair and makeup one Halloween when they both went to a party together as Fanny Brice and Nicky Arnstein from Funny Girl.
You know, there just hasn't been enough pontificating from Sam this evening. Well, this scene is going to remedy that. Sam and Harrison are in the cafeteria for their second lunch period of the day while Sugar and Exquisite feed each other at another table. Sam lauds Exquisite for not being corrupted by the "rules of Western natural selection." "Exquisite and I," says Sam, "are firm believers in looking beyond a person's shell." Harrison compliments her newly blonde hair. Sam giggles in spite of herself.
Croutons. The Brondes arrive to find that Lily has already purchased Lil Babe for $3. "He even threw in an extra ambrosia salad to boot," says Lily in a reference to Mary Cherry's meal in Caged. Cesar Croutons strokes Lily's hair and she doesn't bust his ass for sexual harassment. Mary Cherry offers Cesar a million dollars for L'il Babe. Cesar declines because he hated her performance in Nuts. Mary Cherry convinces Cesar that it's her, not Barbra, and he agrees to sell her the lobster. Lily argues that Mary Cherry is cheating in the natural selection bet by using money to get L'il Babe. Cesar Croutons somehow convinces everyone to settle their bet in a round of disco bowling. The winner gets L'il Babe instead of a trophy. Don't ask me how he makes this happen. Lily is, for once, rightfully pissed off at the fact that she's won the bet fair and square and doesn't need to bowl. "You bowl for L'il Babe," says Cesar. "Or L'il Babe will rest in peace . . . in Barbra Streisand's stomach.
The Palace. The girls sit down to dinner, and Mrs. McPherson has gone blonde as well because she wants to have "more fun." Mr. McQueen comes down to eat, and he's gone brown in order to cover gray and get a promotion at work. Sam tells Brooke that Carmen used to be captain of her junior high school bowling team. Brooke freaks out at this news and becomes even more agitated as she realizes that she and her newly brown father get the smaller cuts of meat now. As if anyone on this show except Sugar Daddy eats solid food anyway.
Kennedy hallway. The Brondes discuss the fact that they are most certainly going to lose their bet because of Carmen's superior bowling. They remember that Bio is a great bowler and go to her classroom to ask her to join their team. Bio is not game. "Ladies, there is no way in hell I would ever cross the student/teacher fraternization line." says Bio. "I'm smart, not Pamela Smart." Nicole and Brooke walk off dejectedly. Mary Cherry stays behind and warns Bio that Lily will make Croutons "shellfish free" if she wins the bet. Bio has a flashback to all her good times feasting on Fruta de la Mer platters at Croutons and changes her mind.
Warning! More theme exposition. Carmen and Lily practice bowling. Lily is a horrible bowler. Carmen tells Lily that bowling is about "vulnerability," and that Lily is missing the pins because she's not letting go. Whatever. "Now, remember," says Carmen. "The ball can't soar if you don't." I think a more apt metaphor here is that Lily's got quite a pair of balls but she can't channel them in the right direction.
Bio's classroom. Mary Cherry taunts Lily. Bio is on the Brondes' team, and so is Sugar Daddy, whose DNA "is tainted with white-trash bowling prowess." How many days have passed since those papers were handed back? Two? Three? Well, it seems that another round of papers are coming back with grades on them; this time, Sam gets an "A" having turned in a bunch of blank pages (but with a lovely cover), while Brooke gets a "D" for a well-researched piece with no fancy packaging. Sam feels so triumphant that she turns around to flirt with Harrison, who seems to be rolling a joint for himself and Exquisite Woo. On second glance, I realize that he is making origami figures for her, 'cause you know how those Asians just love origami. I mean, they originated it and everything but they still just can't get enough. Other useful cultural information to keep in mind: the French love being given berets and little statuettes of the Eiffel Tower, the Italians love pasta from the Olive Garden, and English people love it when you perform Monty Python sketches for them. Harrison doesn't flirt back with Sam, though. He is paying too much attention to his little China doll. Sugar Daddy and Sam give him the stink-eye.
Outside at their lockers, Sam confronts Harrison about his crush on Exquisite. Harrison brushes her off. Exquisite admires Harrison's blond hair. Sugar Daddy sees this and throws Harrison up against a locker and stomps off, broken-hearted. For some reason, Exquisite interprets this to mean that she has upset Sugar Daddy because she is not blonde and therefore not pretty enough. Can you say "weak subplot"? I can't wait for someone to Shanghai Exquisite's ass back to Beijing.
Lily studies a bowling manual in the Novak. The ethnic-OK school teacher from earlier comes out of the stall, dressed in a giant lobster outfit. "L'il Babe?" says Lily. "Nice to meet you, Lily," says L'il Babe/Ethnic-OK teacher. Read all you want to into the significance of the teacher playing the lobster in Lily's dream sequence, but we all know that having one actor play two roles cuts down on union wages. L'il Babe has come to warn Lily about something. Lily tells L'il Babe not to worry because she's practicing her bowling. L'il Babe says that she came to warn Lily not to save L'il Babe but to save herself. "You're just like me," says L'il Babe/Ethnic-OK teacher. "You know, hard on the outside and soft in the middle. You put up such a shell, honey!" L'il Babe tells Lily that her strident politics are a cover for her confusion over her sexuality and feelings of low-self worth. L'il Babe urges Lily to come out of her shell. "I wanna live, Lily," says L'il Babe. "But I want you to live too." Dream sequence ends. Lily reflects alone in the Novak. Damn, I wanted the lobster to tell her to throw herself into a large pot of boiling water.
Cesar Crouton's Disco Bowling Alley. The Brondes are there in Bob Mackie evening gowns, hoping that the sequins will give off the light "that our flaxen hair used to provide." The male Brondes, Josh and Sugar, are wearing tuxes. The Blowns show up wearing royal blue bowling shirts, and a newly blonde April Tuna is on their team, along with Exquisite Woo in yet another tight cheongsam with a mandarin collar. Mr. McQueen and Mrs. McPherson are there too. Mr. McQueen goes off to get a beer . Bio, who is wearing a canary yellow feathered evening gown, makes an ass out of herself by disco-dancing alone for no reason. The announcers are Cesar Croutons and Studly Vice-Principal Calvin Krupps. Why is Calvin Krupps back? I keep waiting for something momentously campy to happen with everyone all dressed up and bowling, but it's really uneventful. Although I just got a huge unintentional laugh out of the Red Lobster commercial they just showed. I'm also psyched that the announcers refer to the teams as the "Blondes" and the "Browns," which is a total shout-out to Amorgan, who nicknamed the groups that in the first place. Flash forward to later in the evening. It's a tie game. Carmen gets a spare. Brooke gets a strike. Lily steps up and has a revelation about everything that Carmen and L'il Babe told her about vulnerability and taking off her shell, but she rolls a gutterball anyway. Bio is taken away in a stretcher due to a "bad case of the boogies." Ha ha, not. Sugar Daddy steps up to bowl, but he's too upset over Exquisite. Harrison corners him outside and makes Exquisite tell him her feelings for him in English. "Exquisite love Sugar," says Exquisite. "Love Sugar long time." God, I'm so glad that plot line is over. Sugar Daddy ends up bowling after all. He gets a strike and wins it for the Brondes. Sam is devastated. Her natural selection theory was proven wrong, L'il Babe is going to be eaten, and she has to get a mohawk. "My life couldn't get any worse," says Sam. Oh, yes it can. A drunken Mr. McQueen proposes to Mrs. McPherson over the PA system. Mrs. McPherson says yes. Everyone is joyous and dances -- except Brooke and Sam.
The Palace bathroom. Sam is a brunette again and has a mohawk. Brooke admits that Sam was onto something with her theory about natural selection. They resolve to break up their parents' engagement so Sam can move out of the palace.
The Novak. Lily with her new mohawk prepares to hand L'il Babe over to Mary Cherry. I know there's no time left in the episode, but I'm surprised that Lily doesn't pull a Marisleysis. Mary Cherry enters. "All right, tiny dancer," says Mary Cherry. "Your ten minutes of goodbye are up. Hand over my tasty delicious prize." Surprisingly, Lily apologizes to Mary Cherry for having such a hard shell: "See, if I had just dropped the hard-ass 'don't eat lobster, it's bad' routine and taken the time to explain to you calmly and rationally why eating something with a mother is outdated and wrong, maybe you would have helped me save L'il Babe instead of cooked her." Mary Cherry is moved by Lily's sudden vulnerability and decides to let L'il Babe live. Lily thanks her profusely and leaves to go call Fed Ex. "I'll just seal her up for her journey," says Mary Cherry. "And then we'll go out for tofu." As soon as Lily leaves, Mary Cherry kills L'il Babe with a poison dart, puts her in her purse, and replaces Lil' Babe with a brick of equal weight. "Tofu, mah ass that rocks!" says Mary Cherry. "Lobster is what I crave, and after brushing up on mah acting skills just now, lobster is what I shall have." Cue the B-52s. I'm going to go try to find one of those wet naps. Recapping this episode was messy.