Kennedy High. Shop class. That's right, shop class. Quite a schedule these kids have: Biology about twice a day, three lunch periods, Feminist Theory, French, Sassy Black Female Thought For White Teens, Tai Chi, and now Shop. Now Mr. D, the cardigan-wearing, basset-hound-faced man who teaches shop, isn't your average Kennedy High teacher. The kids love Mr. D. And not just because he's the only shop teacher they've ever had who still has all his digits, either. This man has got the otherwise apathetic student body of Kennedy High pushing the boundaries of craftsmanship and feeling good about themselves. Brooke and Sam are carving a couple of those wooden mallards you see advertised in the back of the New Yorker with their very own hands. Harrison is using one of those big-ass professional sanders, and Josh and Sugar Daddy are playing with a table-hockey set they made themselves. Mr. D looks on with pride at his beloved students, and they react to him like a flower to sunshine. Mr. D has a couple of announcements: 1) Design concepts for final projects are due on Friday, and 2) Mr. D. would appreciate it if everyone called him "Miss Debbie" from now on, because tomorrow he begins dressing like a woman to psychologically prepare himself for a male-to-female sex change operation. Reaction shots galore. Okay, so much for this shop teacher having all his digits.
Credits. Okay, when I complained about the parents being in the credits even though they are never featured much in actual episodes, I didn't mean for you all to give them more screen time so their appearance in the credits would be justified. I wanted them to be removed from the credits and the show.
Harrison comes home from school and finds that the WB had a little money left over after canceling Brutally Normal and Zoe dot dot dot, so they hired Alley Mills to appear yet again as Harrison's lesbian mom. Alley Mills, star of eighties sitcom The Wonder Years = late eighties/early nineties reference number 1. Harrison's mom's been fired from her job as a pharmacist for being a lesbian. Mrs. John is asleep in front of the TV and explains that she dozed off in front of an Oprah re-broadcast. That's got to be a shout-out to me. Harrison tells his mom she's got to get another job because all she does all day long is "watch game shows." Oh, that's funny. The reason I try to stay employed at all times is so I can pay the rent and buy food. Then again, those lesbians always know how to stretch a buck. Harrison gives her a print-out he made from the web of some job listings. Mrs. John promises to make a few phone calls, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Having been on that unemployment couch myself, I have to say that Alley Mills has the post-employment depression schtick down.
The Kennedy cafeteria. Cue (what else?) David Bowie's "Changes." Miss Debbie, formerly Mr. Don, enters wearing a brown "Cathy" wig, a violet and burgundy housedress, a hospital-green cardigan, and pearls. It's not a pretty sight, but Miss Debbie looks so happy in her new outfit that I just want to jump through the TV screen and offer to carry her cafeteria tray for her. Everyone reacts with disdain. "This is so Crying Game, I can't believe it," says Sam. Crying Game = late eighties/early nineties reference number 2. "Dude looks like a lady," says Harrison. "Dude Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith = late eighties/early nineties reference number 3. Miss Debbie overhears Harrison but keeps her head up high. Harrison realizes that Miss Debbie heard him and feels bad. Over at the Blondes' table, they're trashing Miss Debbie as well. Adam is back, and he's sitting with the Blondes. Brooke is especially freaked by Miss Debbie's transition and plans to drop shop class. "I say drop Mr. Doubtfire's class and avoid the nightmares," says Nicole. Mrs. Doubtfire = late eighties/early nineties reference number 4. Sugar Daddy tells everyone that he had a nightmare last night that he was wearing a Florida housewife's muumuu. Mary Cherry enters and reveals to the Blondes that her mother, Cherry Cherry (Delta Burke, star of Designing Women = late eighties/early nineties reference number 5), is going to be substitute teaching home ec.
Cherry Cherry's home ec class. Cherry Cherry takes attendance. When she calls Adam's name, she questions him as to why he's in home ec. Adam replies that boys can take home ec at Kennedy and it's very modern. Cherry Cherry lets him stay but mutters something about "pinko commies" and decides to call him Alice. "Mrs. Cherry?" asks Adam/Alice. "What brings a Fortune 500 CEO to teach at Kennedy?" "In a word, Alice: Injustice!" replies Cherry Cherry, and tells via flashback the story of how she slapped a cop who stopped her for speeding and ended up having to do community service (slapping a cop like Zsa-Zsa Gabor: late eighties/early nineties references number 6 and 7. Extra reference point here because the cop is played by Erik Estrada). Cherry Cherry announces her curriculum: the corporate takeover. Each student gets $1 million dollars' worth of Cherry Cherry Corp. to use exclusively for a hostile takeover bid. Everyone in the class -- Nicole, Carmen, Lily, Mary Cherry, and Adam -- are excited and can't wait to get started. The Corporate Takeover as plot device: late eighties/early nineties reference number 8.
Harrison's house. Mrs. John is still glued to the couch due to more gay-related tragedy. Her lover, Sheila, left her and now she fears that Harrison's father will sue for custody of Harrison. Harrison encourages his mother to sue the pharmacy for wrongful termination. Mrs. John is too tired and depressed to take on a corporation. Uh, remember last time Mrs. John was around? She was the one who wanted to shout from the rooftops that she was gay and Harrison wanted her to shut up? Well, now it's totally reversed. Whatever.
The Palace. As the step-family sits down to dinner, Mr. McQueen gets up to answer the phone. Brooke asks Mrs. McPherson to sign a permission slip letting her drop shop class. Sam rips into her for being intolerant. They explain to Mrs. McPherson that Mr. Don is getting a sex change, and Mr. McQueen comes back to the table to tell them about a special PTA meeting being held on Friday to remove Miss Debbie from the faculty. Lots of meaningful stares by the parents. They haven't had this much screen time in a while, and it means so much to them.
Shop class. Miss Debbie shows the class how to use a scroll saw. When she removes her safety goggles, her wig is jostled and one of her clip-on earrings falls off. Everyone laughs except Harrison and Sam. Class is dismissed, and Harrison picks up Miss Debbie's earring off the floor and hands it to her. Awww! He also apologizes for making the "dude looks like a lady " remark the day before and tells Miss Debbie to fight the PTA. Miss Debbie tells Harrison that, unfortunately, the PTA has the legal right to remove him, but he lauds Harrison for having ideals. "My wife and three kids support me," says Miss Debbie. Uh, not to get too technical or anything here but since you're married, Miss Debbie, shouldn't you really be called "Mrs. Debbie," or at least "Ms. Debbie"? Just saying. Harrison leaves the classroom but pauses momentarily at the door to give Miss Debbie the old Dead Poet's Society look of great concern.
Okay, you know that card table that Lily drags out at some point during each and every episode so she can sit in the hall with her bullhorn and disapprove of someone or something? Well, Harrison has borrowed it and he's trying to get everyone to sign a petition to save Miss Debbie's job. Sam, Carmen, and Lily approach the table and give him the old thumbs-up, because you know that you're not really a Brown until you've got a bug up your ass about something.
The teachers' lounge. Thanks to Cherry Cherry, the lounge has been redone to look like a really hip spot with oriental carpeting, freshly cut flowers, chandeliers, modular furniture, and a blond waiter named Klaus passing out hors d'oeuvres and fancy coffee drinks. Mr. Bennett, the out-of-the-closet feminist studies teacher, remarks to Bio that it looks just like "Nell's from the eighties." (Nell's = late eighties/early nineties reference number 9.) Miss Debbie enters, and Cherry Cherry sniffs the air and remarks that it smells like "old lady in here." Miss Debbie replies that it's her Avon Musk. Hee! Cherry Cherry tells Miss Debbie to pull up a chair and sends Klaus off to get Miss Debbie "a cup of Josephine and a case of Lady Stetson." Lady Stetson = late eighties/early nineties reference number 10. Bio, of all people, confronts Miss Debbie about her cross-dressing and reveals herself as the one who called the PTA meeting asking to have Miss Debbie removed. Miss Debbie calls on Mr. Bennett, of all people, for back-up, but Mr. Bennett says he doesn't want to "get political." Bio vows to get proof that Miss Debbie's gender-bending is going to psychologically harm students. Miss Debbie thanks Cherry Cherry for refurbishing the teachers' lounge and leaves. Cherry Cherry looks warmly after Miss Debbie.
Back at Lily's card table, the Browns draw parallels between what Miss Debbie is going through and how persecuted they are at the hands of the Blondes. How rich! Nicole and Brooke come by. "Hey Harrison, you little Rocky Horror you," says Nicole. "Can I borrow your fishnets?" Rocky Horror Picture Show = late eighties/early nineties gay reference number 11 (well, okay, it was made in the seventies, but in 1987 when I was in high school I used to go see it every weekend and Little Nell, the actress who played Columbia, went on to open the club Nell's, which was the last late eighties/early nineties gay reference from tonight's show). Harrison and Brooke have an argument about her leaving Miss Debbie's class. Harrison reminds Brooke that she is always worried about being judged for externals, and yet she is doing the same thing to Miss Debbie. Brooke gets one of those "he must be right, he's a man" doe-eyed looks just as Nicole pulls her away. The Browns give Harrison the high five for winning a political argument with Brooke. Sam suggests that they turn the hallway into a squatters camp and have a sit-in. Lily offers to go down to Rite Worth and get poster boards and a hibachi. Harrison points out to her that Rite Worth is the company that fired his mother for being gay. Ha ha Lily! How does it feel to be out-PCed? Lily gets an idea and runs off.
Cherry Cherry's home ec class. Images of Miss Debbie and her persecution haunt Cherry Cherry. Okay, literally, what is happening is that Cherry Cherry is sitting at her desk and one of those thought balloons featuring Miss Debbie in it looms over her. "I am not a freak," says Miss Debbie over and over again while Cherry Cherry sits looking pensive. "What's wrong with your mother?" says Nicole to Mary Cherry. "She always gets this way if she has to miss The View." Alice/Adam asks Cherry Cherry what's wrong. "There's just a lot of pain in the world, kids. That's all." Cherry Cherry snaps out of it and asks the class for ideas on what company to take over. L'il Lily runs in and suggests that they take over Rite-Worth, because the company's stock is down and they're vulnerable to a series of discrimination lawsuits. Cherry Cherry is energized by the thought of fighting injustice in the world in addition to taking over a company, and commands Alice/Adam to buy up Rite-Worth stock.
Back at Lily's card table, the Browns have collected ten signatures in favor of letting Miss Debbie stay, and they look all proud of themselves. They need three hundred more. Something tells me that they would have collected more signatures if they weren't so irritating about the whole thing. Actually, something tells me that the Browns couldn't collect enough signatures to prevent the White House from being turned into a big store that sells crack. Mrs. John enters on her way to Principal Hall's office. Apparently, Principal Hall has called Mrs. John in to speak with her about Harrison's political activity. She and Harrison have the exact same conversation they had earlier about how Mrs. John doesn't want Harrison to rock the boat, but Harrison wants to rock it. Bio passes by and starts hitting on Mrs. John. "Didn't I see you two weeks ago a Melissa Etheridge concert?" says Bio. Melissa Etheridge = late eighties/early nineties gay reference number 12. Bio warns Harrison about playing "USA for Africa" in the halls. "USA for Africa" = late eighties/early nineties reference number 13.
The palace kitchen. Mrs. McPherson and Sam fight with Mr. McQueen over the Miss Debbie thing while Brooke folds napkins. Mrs. McPherson argues that Miss Debbie's job should be saved, just like teachers in the fifties who were divorced or pregnant. Mike argues that Miss Debbie is obviously confused about his identity. Brooke pipes up and explains that, no, Miss Debbie couldn't be more secure about herself. She offers to join Sam to help save Miss Debbie's job.
The sit-in. The sit-in consists of Sam, Brooke, Lily, Carmen, and Harrison. That's it. Carmen has the zigzag part to end all zigzag parts. I can't explain what is so special about Carmen's zigzag part. It just seems so much more pronounced than any of the other zigzag parts on the other characters. She looks pretty good otherwise and there's no mention of her heartache from being dumped by Josh. Lily takes her place behind the bullhorn and is surprisingly not annoying -- well, for Lily, that is. She gets them ready for the administration to use guerrilla tactics to clear them from the hallway. "We just know they'll do something." Jump cut to three hours later: no confrontation. Sam is yawning. The administration is ignoring them. Bio enters and the Browns (plus Brooke) get psyched for their first clash with the administration. They link arms across the hallway to prevent Bio from passing. "Are you kids setting up for a square dance?" Bio tells them that the administration is ignoring them in order to prevent the Browns (plus Brooke) from getting publicity. She do-si-dos past them.
The Browns (plus Brooke) decide to ditch the sit-in and get the media involved again. "What about that windbag on Channel 8?" suggests Brooke, referring to one of those evening news segments where some journalist uses confrontational tactics to fight injustices. It turns out that Lily totally knows Gary of "Gary's Corner" because she called him during her whole frog dissection stand-off with Bio earlier in the year. Of course she did. Brooke and Harrison totally exchange these looks as if to say, "Please tell me she's not going there again?" Lily calls the station from her cell phone using speed dial. I wonder what else is on Lily's speed dial? I'm thinking PETA, the ACLU, feminist lawyer Gloria Allford, Richard Gere, Urban Outfitters, and Pierre's House of Custom-Fitted Extra-Large Chapeaux.
Turns out that Gary of "Gary's Corner" is already at Kennedy doing a piece on Cherry Cherry's class. Okay, that was totally improbable, but I'm giving points here for moving the plot along quickly. My butt is totally falling asleep. Gary stands in front of Cherry Cherry's class and talks about the good that Cherry Cherry is doing by teaching high schoolers the art of the hostile corporate takeover. Harold Beane, the CEO of Rite-Worth, is there to meet with Cherry Cherry and have a stockholders meeting with the new majority stockholders of Rite Worth (i.e. Cherry Cherry's students). Alice/Adam asks Mr. Beane about employee morale. Mr. Beane says that everyone is happy at Rite Worth. Mary Cherry raises her hand, "How do you answer to the charge that you wrongfully . . . exterminated . . . a lesbian lady?" She meant terminated. "She may not be smart or pretty but she's loyal as a Rottweiler," says Cherry Cherry. Mr. Beane denies doing this. Cherry Cherry fires him and appoints herself CEO of Rite-Worth. Everybody sings, "We will we will rock you!"
The teachers' lounge. Mr. Bennett is hanging out just being an openly gay teacher, as he always is. Can't do nothing to change Mr. Bennett, no sir. Harrison, Sam, and Lily burst in and ask the openly gay Mr. Bennett "where the media is." Openly gay Mr. Bennett directs them to Cherry Cherry's class. Lily runs off to snag them. Sam and Harrison ask Mr. Bennett, who by the way is sporting a zigzag part of his own in this scene, if he'll help them at Friday's PTA meeting. Mr. Bennett declines, because he's afraid to lose his job since he's already out. Um, Mr. Bennett? If you are so worried about losing your job because you're gay, why'd you come out to your students on, like, the very first day of class? Openly gay Mr. Bennett suggests they get Miss Debbie to speak at the meeting, since it's her job they're fighting for.
The Novak. Nicole and Mary Cherry are primping in front of the mirror as Miss Debbie enters. Mary Cherry screams in terror, causing Nicole to smear lipstick all over her cheek. Nicole tells Mary Cherry to calm down. Mary Cherry protests that the idea of a man in the Novak freaks her out. As she says this, we see that Bio is hiding in a stall with a tape recorder. Miss Debbie starts to walk out, apologizing for upsetting Mary Cherry. Mary Cherry has a change of heart and stops Miss Debbie. "My sense of style has to override my religious convictions," says Mary Cherry, explaining that she wouldn't be doing her duty as a Glamazon if she allowed Miss Debbie to leave the Novak looking like "ten miles of bad road." Miss Debbie sighs and confesses that she has a lot of trouble making herself look pretty. "Can I ask you girls a question?" says Miss Debbie. Nicole and Mary Cherry are all ears. "How do you girls always look so beautiful and overly made-up, like high-priced call girls?" The girls can barely contain their glee at such a stunning compliment and give him an "Uncle Miltie-be-gone" make-over. The girls leave Miss Debbie by herself in the Novak to enjoy her new look, which looks -- a lot like the old look, but a little better. Bio comes out of the stall and plays Miss Debbie the tape of Mary Cherry screaming, telling Miss Debbie that he/she's going to play the tape at the PTA meeting. Miss Debbie asks Bio why Bio hates her so much and suggests that all of this cuts too close to home. She leaves Bio by herself in the Novak, looking at herself and having a self-loathing moment in the mirror.
Empty Shop class. Sam and Harrison tell Miss Debbie that the media is here and wants to speak to her. Miss Debbie doesn't want to talk to the media because he doesn't want his family exposed. Sam and Harrison are like, oops, but Harrison has a brilliant idea. Ha ha, not: Sam dresses up like Miss Debbie and throws the throng of reporters off the real Miss Debbie's tail. "Do you like my hat?" says Sam/Miss Debbie to Gary of "Gary's Corner." "You're one foxy trannie," says Gary. No comment. Well, actually, one comment: ewww!
Harrison's house. Miss Debbie is there, hiding from the media who have staked out his home and are harassing his wife. Mrs. John is all up Harrison's butt for calling the press. Miss Debbie announces that he's not going to the PTA meeting. Harrison leaves in despair. Mrs. John and Miss Debbie sit down on the couch together and agree that it's better to be apathetic.
Filler scene at the Palace. Mr. McQueen gets the cold shoulder from the female members of the McQueen/McPherson household at breakfast. Jane gives another speech.
Shop class. Sugar D and Josh hate the new shop teacher. Sugar complains about getting a C because he didn't specify the dimensions on his tissue dispenser. "Yo, Miss Debbie got her freak on, but at least she was cool," says Sugar. Josh agrees.
Harrison's locker. Sugar, Josh, Mary Cherry, and Nicole approach Harrison and ask him if they can sign his petition. Harrison, feeling defeated, explains that the fight is over and wonders what made the Blondes change their minds. "After her make-over she really isn't that bad-looking any more," says Nicole. Harrison is still convinced that the fight is over. "Joe, you shut your wet, sexy, petulant-lipped mouth," says Mary Cherry and tells everyone that with her mama on their side, nothing can stand in their way.
Cherry Cherry grades tests after class. Mrs. John comes in to talk, thinking that she was called in by the administration about Harrison's political activity. Cherry Cherry thanks her for coming and explains that she was called in for another reason; as the new CEO of Rite-Worth, Cherry Cherry wants to give Mrs. John her old job back. Mrs. John stammers. Cherry Cherry thinks she's holding out and says reluctantly, "I'll even triple your salary and throw in some free tickets to the women's music festival of your choice." Mrs. John is overjoyed.
The PTA meeting. Principal Hall calls for order. They begin with an open forum. Principal Hall asks for someone to come forward to speak in favor of Miss Debbie. Bennett tries, but is stopped by Bio. Mrs. McPherson raises her hand and points out that there are some people who would like to speak in favor of Miss Debbie, but they aren't authorized to speak so they've found another way. "Changes" by David Bowie plays again as the Blondes and Browns enter the meeting in drag. People clap and take photos. Yuck. The boys look dumpy, and the girls just look like they're in a high-school production of Guys and Dolls where there are too many girls in the cast, so some of them have to be "guys." Oh, and Mary Cherry? Putting your hair back in a ponytail and wearing a men's suit isn't gender-bending. Stephanie Powers wore a similar outfit to the Emmys once. "Is somebody wearing Lady Stetson?" says Principal Hall. A reaction shot of Sugar Daddy in a muumuu and the sound of a whip cracking. The meeting progresses, and things don't look good for Miss Debbie, but then at the eleventh hour, Miss Debbie shows up. "This nut job's gotta go," says Bio. "A real woman has the floor so shut up," says out-of-the-closet gay feminist studies teacher Mr. Bennett.
Miss Debbie speaks: "Regardless of what you decide, I've never been happier in my own skin. But I will always remember that I stood up for myself when I had the chance and I will never forget my students. Thanks to their love and incredibly creative support. I feel no matter what the outcome of tonight's vote. I've already won." The PTA votes. Mr. Bennett, Jane McPherson, Principal Hall, and Mr. McQueen vote to keep Miss Debbie. Everyone else votes to dump her. The gavel bangs in slow motion. Harrison screams "no!" like he's an extra in Platoon, but with anchor-shaped earrings on.
Miss Debbie says goodbye to his empty shop classroom and starts to pack his belongings. Harrison appears, taking off his jewelry. They have a moment. Miss Debbie says that Harrison reminds him of his son, except that Harrison is more tolerant. Harrison says that he thought Miss Debbie's family was behind her. "I lied," confesses Miss Debbie, and reveals that his son is getting married month and doesn't want Miss D to come to his wedding. Harrison tells Miss Debbie that if he gets married, he'd be honored if Miss Debbie would be there. Sad music. Harrison leaves, but not before giving Miss Debbie another tearful Dead Poet's Society look.
Harrison sits on the school steps, crying like a girl into his lilac scarf. Mrs. John enters. "I've been looking for you everywhere," she says. Harrison gives his mom back her earrings. Mrs. John tells Harrison that she's proud of him, now that she got her job back and things worked out -- for her. "I was wrong not to stand with you," says Mrs. John. "Sometimes you do win for being who you are." "Sometimes you lose," says Harrison and cries some more in his mother's arms.
Back in the main hallway, the Browns and the Blondes take down their banners and clean up their sit-in camp. They watch as Miss Debbie exits Kennedy alone in her white pumps. Oh God, I need a tissue.