Kennedy High. In Bio's classroom, Josh sits contentedly hugging his school bag to his chest. I guess if a bookbag could provide him with that much joy, it's no wonder he's dating Carmen. Brooke enters, wearing a pink Barbie pantsuit. Her hair is not in a zigzag part, for once but she's back to that braid, sort of -- it's more to the side now. She greets Josh warmly and sits down in the seat right in front of him. As soon as her bony butt hits the seat, she whirls around and starts reminiscing about the time when his mother got a tapeworm in Cancun. Apparently, a chapter she read last night about parasites is what triggered that memory. Josh laughs along politely. Carmen enters in a baby blue cardigan and a cleavage-baring clingy burgundy undershirt and says hello to Brooke. Brooke greets her sweetly with a "How are you?" but her smile hardens as Carmen sits in the seat to Josh. Carmen tells Brooke that she's fine with a barely noticeable smirk and then tells Josh that she's got tickets "for Saturday night." Josh is excited by her news and starts making out with her right then and there. Brooke turns around in her seat. It's hard to tell if her look of horror is due to the fact that she's lost Josh to Carmen or whether she, like millions of home viewers nationwide, is repulsed by the sight of the chemistry-free pairing that is Carmen and Josh. I hate to say this because it's really supposed to be a good thing that "the fat girl" has gotten her man -- that is, if we are to overlook the fact that "fat" is not an appropriate description of Carmen. However, they just look so wrong together. Especially since Carmen is looking really unphotogenic in this scene. You'd think, because she's got the boyfriend she's been wanting, that she'd be glowing.
Bio appears before the class, screams, "Earthquake!" and drops a large stack of books. "Take cover!" he/she barks, and all the students reluctantly scoot under their desks. Bio inspects their positions and kicks Josh's legs, which are sticking out from under the desk he's sharing with Carmen. She walks up to Nicole, who is not under her desk but filing her nails defiantly in the aisle as so not to ruin her outfit. Oh no, Nicole has Macy Gray hair today. "Why aren't you under your desk?" asks Bio. "Because if I wanted to play dust mop, I would have worn your clothes," answers Nicole. Bio warns Nicole about the tonnage of building materials that could be falling on her in the even of a real earthquake. Nicole goes, "Hmmm," and Bio changes her mind and tells Nicole not to move. Unfortunately, this and some overt sexual remarks that come later are going to be the only entertainment we get out of Bio this week.
Back under the Josh and Carmen desk shelter, Kennedy's most sick-making couple is having thumb war, and I guess I'd have to count my blessings; he could have been diapering her or giving her a ba-ba. "Do you find natural disasters funny, kids?" asks Bio. They pull away from each other and say "no." "You do know that when the earth cracks open, young lovers are swallowed up first?" she asks. The young lovers laugh as Brooke and Sam watch. "They're cute, aren't they?" says Brooke, obviously trying to keep her lunch down. "Yeah," says Sam. "Mickey's found his Minnie." Gustave imagines groups of six-year-old kids fleeing in terror from Disneyworld employees dressed in Carmen and Josh costumes. Bio begins lecturing the class about taking the drill seriously. Just then, a "studly" guy in a brown jacket, cobalt blue shirt, and purple tie enters the classroom. All the women peer at him lustfully; that's how we're supposed to know he's "studly." Bobbie Glass is entranced and totally starts staring at this package. Uh, didn't anyone learn anything in Booty Camp last week? Studly Guy introduces himself to Bobby Glass as Calvin Krupps, the new vice-president brought in specifically to deal with disciplinary problems. "Thank you, Jesus," says Mary Cherry to herself from under her desk. Bobby Glass starts throwing out all these single entendres (tm Wing Chun) about "the big one" and just about every pun you could wring from the whole "discipline" theme. Nicole says something crass, too. Calvin "Studly Vice Principal" Krupps addresses the class. Everyone comes out from under their desks. He explains that Principal Hall is away at Chico State Prison attending a "sensitivity seminar" due to the "harassment problems and the smackdown in the girl's lav." Can I just say that it is about time someone finally noticed that it was time to sit Principal Hall down for a couple of weeks and sensitize her ass? He tells them his philosophy of dealing with disciplinary problems, which has to do with taking preventive measures and encouraging students to become centered. "If you mop up the gasoline, you don't have to fear a lit match." "What exactly would one have to do to git spanked?" says Mary Cherry. Heh.
Credits. Nope, haven't changed them.
Back in Bio's classroom, Calvin, the studly vice-principal, is still taking questions. He uses Sugar Daddy's idiotic "what if" question involving a Mary J. Blige calendar to launch into a philosophical rant about how negative energy comes right back at you. Everyone, including the boys, starts staring wide-eyed at Calvin like they've never heard such brilliant wisdom in their lives. Calvin starts encouraging everyone to learn a martial art like Tai Chi and announces that he will be teaching a morning Tai Chi class. "When you get up in the morning, what is the first thing you think about?" he asks Harrison, neatly segueing into this week's Harrison dumb-ass subplot. "Changing his sheets," says Nicole, dryly. "I wasn't speaking to you," Calvin says. "But you will at some point, right? Please!" says Nicole all Joey Heatherton. Calvin repeats the question. "How I can't wait to get out of here," answers Harrison. Calvin asks him what he's planning on doing after he graduates. "Sleeping till nine," says Harrison. Nine? Since when is that sleeping late? Calvin asks Harrison what his dreams and passions are. Harrison can't answer the question. Calvin concludes that Harrison lacks a driving force and prescribes that Harrison find his inner voice through, you guessed it, Tai Chi. "5:30 AM, be there!" says Studly Vice Principal Calvin.
In the cafeteria at the Browns' table, Harrison complains about Vice Principal Calvin and his Tai Chi shtick. Sam and Lily won't hear anything bad about their new lust object, and Lily the virgin even makes a crude comment involving soy sauce. Vera Krupps, the lunch lady, appears at the table. She asks the Browns how they liked the meatloaf. "Did you taste the dill?" asks Vera, salivating over Harrison. Lily asks Vera if she is related to Calvin. Vera explains that Calvin is her nephew: "Easy on the eyes, ain't he?" says Vera.
Over at Carmen and Josh's chemistry-free section of the cafeteria, Carmen demonstrates to Josh how she can peel off an orange peel in one piece with a knife. She explains that her grandmother taught her that trick and how her grandmother was "super talented with a knife, which is probably why my grandfather won't get within ten feet of her." Josh laughs along with Carmen at her potentially violent white-trash family. Carmen hand-feeds Josh a section of orange. Josh voraciously tears it from her hands with his teeth. I've seen Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe conduct more electricity.
Brooke listens to the young lovers from the Blondes' table while the other girls discuss the fact that Calvin Krupps is Vera's nephew. They are horrified at the notion that Vera and Calvin originated within the same gene pool. Brooke is so upset over Carmen and Josh that she takes a couple of jellybeans from Nicole. The Blondes start dissing Josh and Carmen and try to comfort Brooke. Brooke is not very convincing as she denies that she's in any pain and is happy for Josh and Carmen. To further persuade the gang that she's okay, she drops a big hint that she's going after Calvin. Everyone gets excited about the new romance. Brooke plays coy. Mary Cherry privately thinks to herself that Brooke is deluded and that Vice-Principal Krupps is hers. Poppy has a private thought along the same lines, and so does Nicole. Oh goody -- we haven't seen a Blonde four-way cat fight since the homecoming queen episode.
Emory Dick comes and sits down to Harrison. He has just gotten some last-minute hacking out of the way, anticipating that Vice Principal Calvin will catch him in the near future if he tries anything. He shows Harrison a teacher's report written about Harrison. His fifth-grade music teacher though that "HJ" was amazingly talented at the recorder. Throughout the note, Harrison is referred to only by his initials. Do you have an idea yet of what kind of plot twist is coming up? Harrison goes into a fantasy sequence in which he has one question to ask the Zen Master. He asks Zen Master if he really has musical talent. Zen Master tells Harrison to follow his talent to wherever it may lead him, but warns him that it may take him to some dark places. Does that "dark place" the Zen Master refers to happen to be Carmen's cleavage, perchance?
The Novak. Carmen is holding a heart design up to her chest in order to check out how she'd look with a tattoo. Brooke pops out of a stall and says hi to Carmen. Carmen explains that she's getting a tattoo. Brooke asks to see the drawing and asks if Josh designed it. Carmen says yes, and Brooke slyly mentions that she once had the same tattoo. Carmen is freaked by this piece of information. "But he said this was the first --" sputters Carmen. "I'm sure he did," says Brooke. "And I'm sure he'll probably deny the fact that I ever got one, but believe me, I've got the scars to prove it." She leaves without showing said scars, and I'm betting there never was a tattoo. And by the way, wouldn't Carmen have seen it when they were getting changed for cheerleading practice? Vera Krupps comes out of a stall with a large can of green beans. "I've been lookin' for these," says Vera and leaves the Novak. "Aren't you going to wash your hands?" Carmen calls after her, in a shout-out to all the times no one bothers to wash their hands before they leave the Novak.
In the hall, the Blondes minus Brooke plot to spend some time with Calvin. Mary Cherry wonders if Brooke would mind. Nicole points out that "all is fair in love and war," but warns the girls to defer to Brooke in her presence. She also makes a reference to the fact that she's head of the Glamazons. I thought Brooke was still the head. Didn't she resume her captainship when she was reinstated after the planted-bong thing was cleared up? Poppy suggests that they all attend his Tai Chi class. "Get up at sunrise to do Chinese aerobics?" counters Nicole while she touches up her lipstick. "That is so twentieth century!" They plan another smackdown so they can get detention with Calvin. "Can we just keep it in the family this time?" asks Mary Cherry. "I can't lose anymore flesh to that L'il Lily's ferret teeth." They walk off to class, passing Vera Krupps who is eavesdropping while scrubbing potatoes in the doorway of a classroom. Brooke enters, corners Nicole, and rants about how guilty she feels about what she did to Carmen.
Harrison runs up to Lily and Sam and asks Sam if she still has the recorder he lent her in fifth grade for a skit she was doing on Harriet Tubman. Oh yeah, I remember a couple of girls who would do skits about Harriet Tubman in grade school. By the time they were in high school, they were just as annoying as Sam McPherson. "Harriet Tubman played the recorder?" interjects Lily. Sam explains that she gave the recorder away to her cousin Freddy. "You gave away my recorder?" whines Harrison. "How could you do that?" Harrison, chill! Recorders are cheap. That's why public school music teachers handed them out like Kleenex.
Back to Brooke's confession to Nicole. "Is that not evil?" asks Brooke. "Not evil enough," says Nicole, gesturing toward Josh and Carmen walking down the hall and doing their best to look like they're in a Newport Lights ad. Brooke gazes at them looking ashamed and defeated.
Calvin Krupps' office. Calvin and Vera sit by the light of his desk lamp. Vera has her feet up on his desk while she gives him the low-down on potential student conflict. "The McQueen girl wants to steal her beau back from what's-her-face. I forget her name but I like her. She's a big fan of my creamed corn." Wait, Vera! Did you just say that Carmen likes to eat? Funny, I never noticed that aspect of her personality before. Vera also warns him that the cheerleaders are planning to rumble. Calvin thanks her for the info and tells her to find out more.
Lily is drinking from a water fountain, holding a notebook with a "Save Tibet" bumper sticker stuck to it. I don't know why, but I am suddenly seized with the desire to go to Tibet, get some funding from Red China, open up a White Castle franchise and sell overpriced Marlboro cigarettes to Tibetan school children on the side. Carmen comes up to her and asks her what she's doing after school. Lily explains that it's Sam's first day working at Kranky's, a record-store cum coffee house, and she's going there to lend her moral support. "She's afraid she's going to file the soundtrack to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang under the salsa section," says Lily. Lily and Carmen laugh, because cultural ignorance is funny. Carmen casts her eyes downward in a coy attempt to get Lily to ask her what's wrong, which Lily does. "I got this weird feeling that, um, Brooke wants Josh back." Lily asks Carmen if she's sure of this or if Carmen is simply "wasting away in Paranoiaville." Carmen sputters incoherently. Lily tells Carmen to listen to Calvin Krupps and what he has to say about putting bad energy out there. Carmen is not exactly comforted by Lily's advice. Lily tells Carmen that she's letting Brooke McQueen be the master of her realm. Um, Lily? Brooke McQueen has been the master of Carmen's realm since the season began. Carmen puts on a brave face for Lily but loses it when she sees Brooke shamelessly flirting with Josh as they both sign up for Calvin Krupps' Tai Chi class.
Carmen's bedroom. Carmen gazes forlornly at a strip of photo-booth photos of her and Josh. Harrison knocks on her door, and she hides the photo under her Hello Kitty pillow. "Please do not tell me that Lily sent you here to give me another lecture, okay?" says Carmen before Josh can get a word in. "Because I cruised past paranoia like two hours ago and have crossed the border into full-on psychotic and don't tell me that it's all in my head because, well, maybe it is, but it's the only head I've got and it is screaming, 'Brooke wants him back.' So what are you going to do? Are you going to put me in a strait jacket? You wanna have me committed? You can call me Plain Girl Interrupted. Is that what you came here for? for? for? for?" Harrison says that he just came over to borrow her guitar. Carmen sheepishly hands it to him. "When you look at me and Josh together are you constantly thinking, 'What is he doing with her?'" Harrison admits that he did think the pairing was a little odd at first. At first? Carmen rips into him and complains that everyone thinks like he does but doesn't have the guts to say it to her face. "That's not true," says Harrison. "I hear Nicole say it right to your face." Carmen is somehow comforted by that piece of information and asks Harrison what she should wear to Calvin's Tai Chi class. I have to admit that Carmen had some verve in this scene.
Empty classroom. Nicole and Mary Cherry go at it while Poppy watches, screaming for help. Nicole picks up a miniature model of the Eiffel Tower and lunges at Mary Cherry. Out in the hall, Bio is talking to Calvin. Bio is wearing high heels, stockings, and pantaloons under her lab coat. She leans into Calvin and tells him about her minor in French literature. "Mostly soft-core stuff," she adds. Poppy runs out into the hall and screams for help. Calvin follows her to the smackdown.
In Calvin's office, Calvin deals with Nicole, Mary Cherry, and Poppy. The girls writhe seductively, hoping to catch his eye. He excuses Poppy because she wasn't involved. Poppy protests that she started it and should be punished. Instead of detention, they are told to report to Calvin's Tai Chi class tomorrow morning.
Montage sequence: A 3:30 AM alarm goes off. Carmen sleeps through it. Nicole, Mary Cherry, and Poppy, each in their respective homes, get ready for Tai Chi. They apply clay masques and make-up, choose their finest clothes, and do elaborate things to their hair.
Calvin's Tai Chi class. Calvin is wearing an unbuttoned navy-blue mandarin jacket with no undershirt underneath. Josh and Sugar Daddy enter. Josh takes a place on the floor while Sugar Daddy sleeps in a corner. I think Sugar Daddy's slumber is motivated by the producers not wanting to show him doing Tai Chi, and I have to agree with their decision; that would be pretty scary. Sam, Lily, and Harrison arrive looking tired and haggard. "It's great getting up early, isn't it?" says Calvin. "You're assuming some of us went to bed," says Bio with a wink. "Rise and shine, y'all," says Mary Cherry from off-camera. The Blondes enter. Mary Cherry is dressed in full geisha regalia. Nicole is wearing a tight, low-cut dress and sucking seductively on a lollipop. Poppy is gussied up too and she's curled her hair. "Are we doing Tai Chi or Pippin?" Sam asks Lily. Calvin expresses disappointment that the Blondes aren't wearing looser clothing and says a few words about Yin and Yang. Brooke arrives late, looking fetching in a tank top. Calvin starts the class and Brooke keeps accidentally/on purpose bumping into Josh, whose girlfriend has overslept. Calvin kicks her out of his class for not being focused enough. "One down, two to go," says Mary Cherry to herself.
The cafeteria. Josh is raving to Carmen about how she missed a great Tai Chi class. Carmen expresses regret that she overslept. "I bought a Kung Fu Fu and everything." Is there really such a thing as a Kung Fu Fu or is that Asian-fat-girl-speak for muumuu? Carmen changes the subject and asks Josh if he's really over Brooke. Josh is astounded that Carmen would feel that way and asks her why she wants to know. Carmen says that she thinks Brooke wants Josh back. Josh says that he's noticed the same thing but insists that it's over. Carmen gives Josh a look like she's the Little Match Girl and she's just been invited inside for dinner.
Empty classroom. Harrison practices the guitar. Emory Dick drags Sam and Lily in for a listen. Harrison's guitar-playing is not bad at all. Considering he just started and he is not playing Kumbaya my Lord (strum), Kumbaya (strum), Kumbaya my Lord (strum), Kumbaya (strum) -- I think he's quite advanced. Judging from Lily and Sam's reactions, though, we are supposed to assume that what we're hearing is really bad. Emory doesn't think so, and he clasps his hands over his heart like a mother hen. Harrison finishes and Emory claps. He convinces Sam to book Harrison at Kranky's open-mic night. I thought that the whole point of an open-mic night was that no bookings were needed, but whatever. Lily is all, "Are you sure you're ready to play for people?" Sam asks Emory what he's getting out of this. Emory replies that he owns publishing and sixty percent of royalties. I am so glad that the writers are remembering Emory Dick's whole teen-Shylock thing. It hasn't come up in several episodes. Emory tries to convince Lily to create a poster for Harrison and they leave him alone with his guitar.
Kennedy hallway. Brooke is telling Nicole how she was kicked out of Tai Chi that morning. Brooke, Nicole was there. She knows. Emory hands them a flyer for Harrison's show. They laugh as if they'd never go in a million years until Brooke sees Josh and Carmen walking down the hall, together making plans to go to Kranky's that night. Josh and Carmen stop to talk to Brooke, and Nicole tells them that Brooke is going to Kranky's tonight -- with a date. Carmen and Josh exit and Brooke reams out Nicole for saying that. "It worked, didn't you see his face?" counters Nicole. "Who am I going to go with?" screams Brooke. "Who?" They walk off and we see that Vera Krupps has been listening.
In Calvin's office, which I guess is Principal Hall's old office because her nameplate is still on the desk, Vera warns Calvin that he's going to get pulled into Brooke's scheme to get Josh back. Brooke knocks and enters. When she sees Vera, she does that "I can come back later" thing that's really Brooke-ese for "get your wrinkly ass outta here, Lunch Lady!" "That's okay," says Vera, brandishing a knife. "I got choppin' to do." Vera exits and Brooke apologizes to Mr. Krupps for disrupting his Tai Chi class. Then she convinces Mr. Krupps that she'd be more centered if she could find the right music. Calvin agrees. Brooke then talks Calvin into accompanying her to Kranky's that night to help her find the right music. For some reason, despite being warned by Vera, Calvin is suckered into going with Brooke to Kranky's that night. Now never mind that the whole student-teacher relationship thing is a general no-no both legally and morally, but how naive is Calvin that he'd not only go on an evening outing with a student, but would show up with her at a place where half the school is present? I don't care whether or not he has extracurricular plans for Brooke, he deserves to be shit-canned for being plain stupid. ["And didn't we have a plot along these lines with Chad Lowe earlier in the season?" -- Sars] I never thought I'd be saying this, but bring back Principal Hall! Back out in the hall, Brooke tells a jubilant Nicole that she has a date. Nicole is happy for her. I guess that whole catfight subplot fell by the wayside with no explanation whatsoever.
Brooke has her own Zen Master dream sequence. She confesses to Zen Master that she wants Josh back but doesn't want to hurt Carmen. I think the Zen Master said something useful, but I was busy refreshing my beverage. Brooke has a talk with her father about Mom and wanting Josh back. Isn't it great that they gave Mr. McQueen a scene? I'm sure he said something useful too, but I was too busy drinking my beverage.
Kranky's. The Browns and the Blondes arrive. No one calls the police when Brooke shows up with Calvin Krupps. Emory Dick is selling cassette tapes of Harrison. Harrison plays a song he's written himself that's totally based on Carmen's paranoia over Josh. Carmen is pissed and leaves mid-song. Lily is pissed as well. Hey, chill out people, he didn't mention her name. I also have to point out that, although Harrison is purposely cracking his voice in order to seem like a bad singer, his singing is way better than Josh "Superstar" Ford's was in South Pacific. Plus he looks really tasty in his porkpie hat. Reaction shots establish that the audience thinks otherwise. Calvin confronts Brooke over her real agenda for taking him to Kranky's: to make Josh jealous. Um, Calvin? If you just said no to Brooke, you wouldn't have been dragged into this drama in the first place. Don't fraternize with students, period! He also gives her yet another lecture about focus and centeredness. Shut up, Calvin. Plus I think that forcing students in a public school to participate in a religion, even if it's a groovy non-western philosophy like Zen, is a bit unconstitutional. Lily reams Harrison out for using Carmen's love life as inspiration for a song. She gives him Carmen's flowers contemptuously. Harrison doesn't really listen to her but asks her what she thought of the song. It starts to rain, and Lily and Sam slam Brooke for bringing Calvin to Kranky's, even though they should be talking to the school superintendent about Calvin instead.
The day at Kennedy, Harrison becomes a prima donna over his Kranky's gig and is insensitive toward Carmen's hurt feelings. Carmen gives him a note she wrote him on a fast-food placemat, because it's been a few minutes since it's been mentioned that Carmen eats a lot. Carmen tells him he can't sing or play the guitar. Yeah, well, Carmen? You can't dance! Emory can't sell any of Harrison's cassettes, so he tries to unload them all on Josh, since the song was about Carmen and maybe Josh would want to protect her. Josh confronts Harrison over the song, and they have a fistfight. Somehow in the midst of the scuffle, Carmen's guitar hits an eavesdropping Vera Krupps and gets ruined. Calvin punishes Josh and Harrison by making them read Herman Hesse's Siddhartha in detention. Can I just say that Siddhartha is such an easy read? I can't believe that the girls had to plod through The Scarlet Letter a few weeks ago in an elective course and they weren't even being punished.
Josh has a word with the Zen Master over his dilemma over Brooke and Carmen. I'm sure the Zen Master said something useful, but I was poring over the Yellow Pages, trying to find a disreputable doctor to prescribe me something to wash down with my third beverage. Josh breaks up with Carmen in Sam's kitchen. I have no idea what they're doing in the Palace kitchen, other than maybe waiting for Brooke to come home so Josh can dump her too. Josh has done a Kelly Taylor. He chose himself.
Emory Dick approaches Harrison in a classroom and tells him that the initials HJ are really someone else's and no one ever thought Harrison was a musical genius. Big surprise. It turns out that the guy who the teacher was talking about is now a musician for Knott's Berry Farm. I had no idea up until now that Knott's Berry Farm was a real place, let alone a venue for musicians, but I've heard that Pepperidge Farm has a pretty kickin' ska night every Thursday.
Harrison shows up at Carmen's and makes up with her and gives her a new guitar to replace the one that totaled Vera Krupps. Josh chipped in. He tells her that he borrowed her drama for his song because he's like a chocolate Easter egg -- empty on the inside. Carmen accepts his apology, because it was food-related and therefore easy for her to relate to.
No scenes for week, but according to the press, in the near future, someone's getting pregnant, and Erik Estrada is going to guest star as himself, and he's going to marry Cherry Cherry.