All About Adam

Previously on Popular, Smug Bitch slept with Josh? Hm. Lucky boy. Except for the lucky part. Oh, Brooke and SB aren't friends any more. My heart is breaking. Or maybe it's just gas.

Okay, this episode opens with Brooke gazing all cow-eyed at the Blondes as they frolic on the football field, or track, or whatever they're calling those big pits of dirt these days. As she moons, this unbelievably cheesy guy smooths up to her, all, "They're nothing without you, like Blondie without Debbie Harry." Cough cough *blowjob* cough cough. What's he doing strolling down the bleachers like that, more self-assured than any teenage boy that I've ever met? Being a total sleaze, that's what. I'll bet money on it. He's Adam Rothchild Ryan, self-purported Non-Stalker. Brooke, when they SAY right off the bat that they're not stalkers, then they proceed to tell you your life story in ultra-flattering terms, you can bet your bottom dollar that they're stalkers with unrealistic expectations. I'm just saying. Okay, so blah blah blah, "What are you doing up here, Brooke?" Blah blah blah, "Feeling sorry for myself, trying to see if anyone would miss me if I hid from them, but they didn't so I'm a poor little motherless child, no wait make that a self-pitying sap. Boo. Hoo." Blah blah blah, "I know how you feel. I feel sorry for myself, too." They bond, exchanging a series of totally unmeaningful glances. Hm.

Cut to the Novak. Baldy (aka Adam Rothchild Ryan) is cheesing all over Mary Cherry in the bathroom, asking for her autograph. Um. Can someone PLEASE tell me why this bathroom is never populated by hordes of shrieking teenage girls whose lashes are gummed together with shoplifted mascara and whose Sharpie-markered hands busily chronicle their lives and loves on every available wall, trash can, and stall door? He looks at Brooke, who winks at him conspiratorially, then continues flattering the Blondes, telling them how hot they all are. WHO is this guy? Oh, he wants to be on the squad. Weird. Gender-appropriate theme this episode, I suppose. Yay for the brass at Popular, ever marching forward on important issues. Ahem. Well, of course the Blondes say no freaking way, then Mary Cherry tells him to wash her car. Ouch. Mary Cherry leaves her car keys in his hands as she snits away. I guess when you're that rich, you don't care if someone steals your car? Maybe she's so rich that she can start her car without her keys. Rich people can do anything, you know. One day I'll be rich, and then I'll be able to afford telekinesis and also mind-reading. But that's another story for another day. This story is about Brooke. And how Baldy is sucking up to her like a sucker-fish on one of those larger, more dangerous fish. In the girls' bathroom. Uninterrupted. Welcome to another episode of Popular.

Credits. Still stupid. Commercials. Freak me out. Has anyone noticed how many white people there are on TV? Especially the commercials. Only white people can truly live into the rich and glorious future promised by these fabulous products -- fabric softener, Coca-Cola, yogurt. These things, boys and girls, will transform you from broke people with no products into broker people with lots of products. Broker white people. Maybe one day you'll be affluent enough to need a storage unit, a whole separate house for products that you have yet to consume and discard. If only I could be so lucky. I want a climate-controlled storage unit. Don't laugh. A girl is nothing without her dreams.

Hm, back at the Palace, Brooke is ranting to the family about the rank unfairness of Baldy's failure to join the Glamazons. Sam agrees that this is unfair madness, prompting Mike to verrrrry cleverly ask what they are going to do about it. Sam says that maybe she'll write an article. Jane tells them unsubtly that there's no telling what good they could do if they would only work together. Rodney King sticks his head in the back door and reiterates that the whole world would be a better place if only we could all just get along. So on the heels of all of this changing-the-worldness comes Brooke's revelation that Baldy's uncle is a big fashion photographer. Somehow Baldy has flattered Brooke into entering a fashion modeling contest, where she will get to be a national spokesmodel for Chick Power magazine if she wins. Okay, kids, whoooooo smells a rat? Raise your hands. Good. You're with me, then. Rat city.

The day at school, we find Baldy in Brooke's locker, taking down all her pictures of her and Josh. So, they're sharing a locker, then. With very little explanation as to why. I won't ask, then. Need-to-know basis, amorgan, don't rock the boat. Yes sir! No questions, sir! He counters Brooke's protests with the assertion that she needs a clean slate to go with her clean new perspective. Uh-huh. She totally buys it. He's wearing a black turtleneck. Need I say more? As if to prove my point, Smug Bitch walks up as soon as Brooke walks away, and Baldy begins smoothing her, too. "My godmother, Diane von Furstenburg." Ugh. What. Ever. She starts slavering at the very name, then falls for his tired old line that she shouldn't settle for lady-in-waiting when she could be queen. Did I mention yet that that haircut makes her look like a little pig? Okay, so, duh, sparks fly between the two evil ones, Smug Bitch reeling off the choice line, "You're hot in that Bonnie-and-Clyde, let's-dress-up-and-kill-people kind of way." Yow! He tells her that he's getting Brooke out of the way; she agrees to pay attention. Bum-bum-BUM.

Later in the lunchroom, Baldy and Brooke look at a picture of Sam. He remarks that Sam is hot, but not as hot as Brooke. Foreshadowing, how I've missed your siren song. I love you. I'll never leave you again, I promise. Blah blah blah smarm smarm smarm, he waxes all sensitive about his mom, tells her that his mom left when he was eleven, thus prompting Brooke to tell about her mom, too. Ew. It's all so cheesy and serious between them. I just want to dress them both up in clown suits and squirt them with seltzer water.

And apparently the other kids on the show think so, too. No longer divided into camps of Blonde and Brown, this new configuration features Harrison, Sugar Daddy, Carmen, Josh, and Little Big Head. Oooh. And Sam. Whose hair looks like a ball of yarn after it's been hassled by the cat. Hm. So, all the guys bag on Baldy, wonder if he's gay, wonder if he was lying when he said he had a one-night stand with Queen Latifah, wonder what his deal is. All the things I'm wondering. LBH defends him, 'cause she's a sucker (duh). Then Carmen, rooting fearlessly through Sam's stuff, discovers the picture of Sam that Brooke took (the one that Brooke and Baldy were looking at in the paragraph), and the consensus is that Sam should enter the contest. Sam says no way, but Carmen, that minx, steals it, then suggests to Josh that they go make out behind the school, a.k.a. mail off Sam's picture against her will. Am I the only one who thinks Carmen is lame as a three-legged cat? I hope not. When I am rich, I will destroy her with my store-bought super-powers. Just you wait.

Cut to Sam interviewing Baldy, who is waaaay overplaying the creepy manipulator role. Although he does have a very spooky voice, I must admit. Anyway, he flatters her as grossly as he flatters everyone else he talks to, and then the camera zooms in on the tape recorder. Foreshadowing, is that you?

One week later, Brooke and Sam crow over a copy of the Zapruder Reporter, headline screaming, "Why Not a Man-Azon?" The phone rings, and Brooke doesn't run to answer it, and the whole family makes a big deal of teasing Brooke about it because she's been so damned antsy about her contest. So she finally answers it, and -- big surprise, I guess some things never change, because it turns out that Sam won the contest. Although I bet that's not how they do things in real life, just telling any old body who answers the phone that they're calling for the contest winner before the winner accepts the offer. But maybe I'm wrong. At any rate, it's just another knife in the back, to Brooke, love Sam. I mean, Carmen.

Commercials. Caress body-wash fragrances seduce your senses, and that really changes things. Baja picante Doritos can short out an elevator, thus confusing attractive women waiting on the 53rd floor. Sarah Michelle Gellar says that Maybelline is makeup made simple. British people make hamburgers sound better than they are. Let's laugh at how they talk. Aren't they clever? Not as clever as Dave Thomas, that honest all-American no-accent-having grandpa who's never exploited anyone or anything in his life. That Dave, he's as right as rain. Hoo. Let's laugh at the British with him. Aren't we clever? Reward yourself for your cleverness with a Wendy's burger. You deserve it.

The day at school, Brooke desperately whines to Baldy about the unfairness of Sam winning the contest. He shoulders her out of her very own locker, and then tells her that she's a great big loser for not winning the contest. "You're only high-school pretty, not supermodel pretty." Ugh. Loser. He's wearing a black headband, like a ninja gamer. Need I say more?

In the cafeteria, or somewhere, Smug Bitch sits reading the paper, looking very much like Shelley Winters in Coffee. Baldy slimes up to her all triumphant, wondering if he has proven himself low enough to be a Glamazon, but she is ruthless like a good pimp should be and shoots him down, cold. And, because nobody here can stay on camera after they deliver a good zinger, she soon snits away, leaving him with nothing but an overplayed stink-eye.

Elsewhere in the cafeteria, the Browns (minus Carmen) are slowly putting together the pieces of Baldy's puzzle, and boy, they sure don't match up. Sam has one story on tape, but Little Big Head, bless her soul, distinctly remembers another story. Hmmmm. It's starting to smell fishy in here. Oh, wait, there's Carmen. Carmen announces proudly that Sam won the Chick Power contest. Harrison and LBH do their duty and bag Sam for her hypocrisy in accepting the title, but Sam blows them off. I almost forgot that Sam is an asshole. Good thing she's so diligent about reminding me. Sam and Carmen tell Harrison to shut up with all his talk about principles and morals and stuff, and they run off to the Chick Power studios to consult with that "genius cross-dressing makeup artist from the MAC counter." Well at least they're giving credit where credit is due -- drag queens rock my fashion world. In the far corner of the cafeteria, Baldy stalks ominously, with ominous music stuck to him like egg whites to a cast-iron skillet.

Oooh -- now it gets good. Hee hee hee. I never want to laugh at this show and I always always do. Does that make me a bad person? Baldy stalks Mary Cherry into the Novak, hand-held horror cam and scary music in full effect. He flatters her at first, but we know he's just reeling her in, thanks to the crescendo-ing music. Within moments he's got her in a panic, calling her bluff, pulling up pictures from her sordid past in the Up With People: Our Glorious History project. He holds out a color photo of Mary Cherry in a T-shirt and cowboy hat. She grabs it. "So pretty," she sighs, then tears it to shreds, shrieking in panic. I am on the edge of my seat. What ever is going to happen?! He torments her. She cries. He brings up the hot memories of feverish Baptist church lock-ins or some such nonsense, then wonders if having a man on the cheerleading squad might not be as satisfying. She slaps him. He smiles. She slaps him again. He smiles again. She gets a devilish look in her eye, and I hope that she is going to open a big ol' can of homemade whoop-ass on him, but instead she kisses him passionately. They fall in a fever to the rose settee. I am saddened for the humiliation that the settee must endure. This is a most sordid coupling, signifying nothing less than pure evil. Hee. (Boys, this is not how to get girls. I reiterate: this is NOT how to get girls. This scene actually weirded me way out the second time through. Let me say once again: boys, you don't get girls by making them cry.)

Ew. 'Kay -- Baldy strides in slo-mo (damn that fiend! The slo-mo monster is always lurking in the halls of Kennedy High) down the hall, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. He is kind of sexy in a really gross way. Don't tell anyone I said that. he approaches Popita, who is innocently dancing to her Walkman. Cheese, snarf, he smooths, she smiles. Oooh, what dirt does he have on our dear Poppy Fresh? HAH! Instead of being out sick last year, she was in Cuba, "guilty of bringing bad music to an island paradise that is fifteen years behind us," 'cause she's the president of the Hanson fan club! HAH! She breaks like a taco shell.

Moments later, back in the ever-unpopulated Novak, Mary Cherry and Popita try to convince Smug Bitch that Baldy should be allowed to join the cheerleading squad. He is, of course, in attendance for this conversation. Has Kennedy High gone the way of Ally McBeal's office, with full-on unisex bathrooms? And why does he want to be on the squad so bad? I mean, besides the obvious opportunities to touch the thighs and buttocks of nubile young high school girls. Smug Bitch nixes the proposal, then tells them that they have to start early in the parade. Brooke isn't there to get the news, so Baldy offers to tell her. All sit in uncomfortable silence as this evil spider spins his web.

All right, confrontation time. Brooke and Carmen are the only two students who aren't in class right now, and of course they happen to be cruising the same bank of lockers, each thinking private, feverish thoughts about fried food. Brooke makes a sarcastic aside to Carmen as they pass in the mysteriously desolate hall, thus providing Carmen the opportunity for self-righteousness that has been written into her contract. "Josh likes me, you can't believe it, you're so self-centered and I'm so great because I don't have a problem with anorexia or bulimia and you suck because you do and blah blah blah." Brooke looks appropriately torn, then darts into the Novak to have a good cry. There she runs into Smug Bitch, and they lock eyes romantically as SB comes out of one of the stalls. Then Brooke runs out of the bathroom with runny mascara without saying a word to SB. SB looks like a little pig and says nothing -- I don't know what that means.

Cut to the photo shoot, where Sam is all gussied up in some hideous purple sequined get-up. Oh, funny, it looks just like the studio where the credits were shot. I hope they are shooting some new credit sequences while they're at it. Sam looks all nervous and confused and tells the director that she feels like a mannequin in her dress, so the director of the shoot introduces her to these cool athlete ladies. The ladies say hello, don't flinch when Sam says she loves their sports bras, then back her up on the comment about the dress. Ah, solidarity.

Meanwhile, back at the parade, Baldy and Smug Bitch are in the bleachers, looking for all the world like characters in Animal House. The Blondes are waiting on Brooke, who, of course, is a no-show since nobody told her to come early to the parade. So Baldy tells Miss Ross that Brooke is a total pot-head, causing much eye-rolling and nervousness among the eavesdropping Blondes. Brooke shows up late; Miss Ross accuses her of being on drugs, then demands to search her bag. D'oh! Baldy planted a bong therein. Um, not like I smoke pot or anything, because I don't, but let me tell you something about potheads. They don't keep bongs in their backpacks. Bongs are stationary items, kept filled with stinky, stinky water. They are cumbersome and they smell bad. Potheads, when smoking on the go, use pipes. The smaller the better. 'Cause the more pot you smoke, the more certain you become that the Man is out to get you personally. At least, that's what I've heard. Ignorant of these facts, Miss Ross does not hesitate to kick Brooke off the squad. This show is silly.

More commercials? Jeez Louise! Get off my back, already! Commercials disgust me. Wash your hair, brush your teeth, drink one-calorie soda. Try this experiment: don't spend any money for one whole day. Not even fifty cents for the parking meter or anything. It's weird. But very cool.

Aaaaand we're back from commercials! Harrison and Little Big Head are searching the all-knowing World Wide Web for dirt on our wicked friend, Baldy, but their search is fruitless. "If only Sam were here!" cries Harrison, reminding me of someone in the Scooby gang. Cut to Smug Bitch, Mary Cherry, Poppy, and Baldy, all gathered for an impromptu meeting. "Girls, it is my pleasure to exercise my executive power and introduce you to the new Manazon. Ready for practice, Adam?" After a moment of obligatory smirking, Baldy suggests that he's got a little something worked out that he'd like to show them, then proceeds to put them through an agonizingly dull L.A. Lakers-type cheerleader routine. The funny part is that the more he shouts at them, the more they see him as the Devil, complete with horns, cape, and fiery background. Oh, and the really deep Devil voice. That part is cool, too. It's too hard for our poor Glamazons! So Smug Bitch requests a private moment with our dear Mr. Mephistopheles and she begins to read him the rule book -- BUT before she can get more than a handful of snotty assertions out of her high-gloss mouth, he whips out her transcripts from the Stomach Stapling Ranch and tells her that he'll tell everyone in the school that she was bigger than Divine for many moons. She went to the SSR for seven years. I'm going to leave the question of transcripts alone. Just think about the probability of a fat farm keeping transcripts. Okay. Good. I do have to say yay for the shout-out to John Waters! I wonder if they'll include a couple of choice tribute scenes from Pink Flamingos in future episodes? I can think of a few in particular that I'd like to see redone. Smug Bitch shrieks in horror and dismay, and we know that our little piggy is beaten -- for now.

Back at the Palace, poor Brooke is forced to endure the humiliation of pissing in a cup for Mike's peace of mind. What the fuck kind of world is this? Don't get me started on the absurdity of consensual crime. I could go on for days. Let's just say that if drugs were legal, there'd be a lot less money being funneled to puppet dictators and corrupt military regimes in Central and South America, and a lot more money being levied from taxes and duties which could then be used to improve the school and health-care systems. I'm just saying. Mike is apologizing and hemming and hawing, while Brooke looks like she's about to cry. Mike, don't gesture with a cup full of your daughter's urine. Just don't.

Somewhere else in the world, Sam is starring in a commercial for Chick Power, with full-on soccer scenes and lots of rocking music. She's showing us all the things a woman can do and be. Wow -- what a cheesy, horrible commercial. "I can be whatever I want to be -- I'm a girl, dammit!" Nice pecs on the construction workers in the scene where Sam is using a jackhammer. (Note: I used a jackhammer once at a summer job. Jackhammers weigh more than God. No joke.) Now, I'm obviously a feminist, a riot grrrl, a woman on the move, whatever you want to call it. But. Being a feminist doesn't preclude having good taste. (Note: go read Bust magazine, right now. They just came out with a book called Bust's Guide to the New Girl Order, or something like that -- it's side-splittingly funny, and very, very smart. That's my product endorsement for the day. ["Seconded." -- Sars] Now, back to our regular programming.) It turns out that Sam was watching the commercial on her computer in the kitchen of the Palace. Brooke watches, then compliments Sam on her successes. "It's oddly liberating to fail," says our newly-humble Brooke. Sam looks thoughtful, Brooke eats ice cream with a spoon straight out of the carton, the two girls puzzle over why Baldy would turn on Brooke so viciously. "What are you going to do, Brooke?" Brooke eats more ice cream, and the scene flows seamlessly into the cafeteria the morning at school, where Harrison and Little Big Head beg Sam to help them find dirt on Baldy. She says she can't, 'cause she's got a plane to catch to New Yawk Citay right after school. Carmen announces that Brooke is talking about getting a job at the pretzel place at the mall. Did I ever tell y'all about the time I worked at a mall bookstore and the girl at the corn dog place had a big crush on me? It was amazing. Oh, everyone agrees that they feel really bad for Brooke -- even Sam.

Cut to the Novak. Toilets flush, Mary Cherry and Poppy come fluttering out of the stalls, complaining of nervous stomachs. Smug Bitch demands to know what dirt Baldy has on them, and each tearfully confesses her social faux pas. "Okay, girls, it's time for Operation Angels, Part Two." YAY!! I love the Charlie's Angels sequences! They stride down the hall to the tune of my favorite TV show in history, oh, it's too good to even recap, it's so delicious, it's so perfect! Walkie-talkies, a close call, slo-mo running with Smug Bitch's bouncing cleavage taking center stage, a smattering of nail-file jokes -- it's too, too perfect. *Sigh* So happy. Oh -- the point of the whole scene is that Mary Cherry breaks into Baldy's locker and steals his wallet. He leaves his wallet in his locker so as not to ruin the line of his designer slacks. And is the mission accomplished? You bet your blonde highlights it is.

Once the wallet is stolen, the Glamazons duck into the computer lab to dig through its contents. In the computer lab they run into Little Big Head and Harrison, who are frantically trying to find dirt on Baldy on the Internet. "Lily, Joe, I hold in mah hand the secret to Adam. I fear the truths that lie inside." Hee hee. "Joe." I love Mary Cherry. In the wallet they discover multiple fake IDs, stills from Audrey Hepburn movies, and the receipt for that wallet. "But which one is his REAL name?" Mary Cherry tells everyone to stand back, she scrunches up her face, and the Wonder Woman theme song starts to play! I am so, so happy. After much scrunching and scrutinizing, all the letters from all the different names fly off of the IDs and rearrange themselves to spell . . . Billy-Bob Smelt. It's a trick she picked up from her fifteen-year subscription to Soap Opera Digest, you see. She's a master of the impossible anagram. I am in love. Hee. Then she gets the vapors and asks Joe to catch her as she faints. Joe watches in confusion, since his real name is Harrison. Mary Cherry falls to the floor. Then Sam walks in and says she has an idea. I guess she ditched her flight? Only time will tell.

Mooooorrrre commercials? Deodorant, breath freshener, lotion, and no-smoking. No-smoking commercial sponsored by Philip Morris. Dr Pepper makes you able to breakdance and also to make very powerful and stylish hair decisions. On Charmed, the sisters travel back in time. I hope they know that people didn't have deodorant in the 1920s. And they smoked like crazy. I once went for a whole summer without wearing deodorant, just to see what would happen. You know what happened? I got laid a lot. True story. I also took a lot of showers.

Back to the computer lab. The combined super-powers gather around Sam as she fruitlessly searches the Web for information on Billy-Bob Smelt. No luck. BUT, when she does a search for the place where Baldy bought his wallet, she comes up with two places, one in Texarkana and one in Mississippi. Smug Bitch calls Sam Spam. Hee. Then Sam calls herself Spam. Double hee. So, through some improbable linguistic sleuthing (a.k.a. listening to Sam's tape of Baldy and trying to trace the accent), it is decided that Baldy is probably from Tupelo, not from Texarkana, and Mary Cherry arranges to have her mom's Lear jet take them to Tupelo for the afternoon. I am astonished at the Scooby-Doo logic path the show is following. Astonished, amazed, and impressed. It's like the best combination of an after-school special and Sassy magazine. Plus a heapin' helpin' of gay pride humor. So happy.

Once the plan has been formulated, Smug Bitch runs to the Novak to stage an intervention to stop Brooke from going to her new mall job. I think it would be good for Brooke to work at the mall. It builds character. Really. I can say that now that I've been out of the mall for a good four or five years. Oh, okay, here's the tearful scene of recrimination, apology, and reunion that we've been waiting for. Brooke asks SB why she would go and cat around with Josh, SB says that she's a bitch, but she's sorry about it, then they make some fashion jokes and everything is okay again. SB asks Brooke to take some pictures of Baldy so they can show them around Tupelo, and all is well in the world. Brooke, during this entire scene, is wearing an exquisite tiara made of pretzels. If anyone has access to such an item, I would gladly pay to own it. This is not a joke -- I want that tiara.

Blah blah blah, so Brooke takes the photos with a telescopic lens. Sam is hovering around, prompting Brooke to ask her why she isn't on that plane to New York. It seems the magazine folded, so Sam's out of luck in her modeling career. I knew Sam wouldn't walk away from that deal just to help her friends with their wacky Scooby-sleuthing. What an asshole.

Hmm, what follows is funny, but not so funny that I need to spend long moments recounting it. Here's the short form: Mary Cherry runs all over Tupelo posting pictures of Baldy. A rat bites her ankle. She speaks with several older men, both white and African-American, none of whom recognizes the photos. She flies home. Just as the Gang is giving up on her, she swishes in and announces that her search was fruitful. She trots in a dirty Brooke look-alike in a straight jacket. Once Homecoming Queen of Lynyrd Skynyrd High (I saw Skynyrd and ZZ Top on December 30, 1999. No lie. Made out in the stands with my old man and drank Lone Star beer. It was great), she was brought down by the old plant-the-bong-in-the-purse trick, then slowly driven insane. There are a lot of jokes made about roadkill and rats and pie, all of which are a little too easy, so I can't give them much credit. "But why would he do this to her?" Well, let him tell you, ladies and gentlemen. In stalks Baldy, who tells a sad story about how he is a military brat who lives in a trailer and whose mom takes in laundry for extra money. Um. Military housing is a little nicer than that, I thought. Maybe his dad has been discharged from the Army? But he said they lived in a trailer in Tupelo, too. Hm. More lies. Lies and deceit. Anyway. Blah blah blah, he hated what he loved, the Homecoming Queen was really mean to him in the halls, he decided to bring her down. His designer clothes are all shoplifted. Smug Bitch is all for telling the entire world about his unfortunate life circumstances, but softie Brooke intervenes on his behalf. She asks if they are not all guilty of the same crimes, only to lesser degrees. Big speeches go all around the group. Yay for the after-school special. EW! Close-up of the insane girl, who smiles heartwarmingly and then winks at Joe. Sooo creepy!

So, Smug Bitch and Baldy tell Miss Ross that Brooke was framed by a notorious stoner, and Miss Ross again takes their word without a shred of evidence. What kind of school is this?! Oh -- Baldy was about to confess that he framed Brooke, but SB stepped in and blamed it on someone else. Why? For more power over Baldy. Cut to a bake sale. A suspiciously convenient bake sale, where there is pie. Bake sales at my school never had pie. They always had cupcakes, cake, and cookies, but no pie. Anyway. The Gang sits around eating pie, and Sam tells Brooke that she's going to apply for a job at a record store. Then LBH comments that this is the first time the whole group has ever sat around eating pie together. Um. Right. So, of course Brooke takes a whole bunch of pictures, and the show ends with a feel-good sequence of color stills, accompanied by a new rendition of Paul Simon's "Kodachrome." Baldy and Smug Bitch are strangely absent from this photo shoot. Perhaps they are having sex somewhere.

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