We open in -- where else? -- the Kim Novak Ladies' Lounge, and although this episode is Gwyneth reference-free, I added a couple of my own, so pay attention. Nicole and Brooke are counting a giant wad of cash that the cheerleaders collected for UNICEF and are happy to discover that they have $500. Nicole says, "There's enough here to buy a Prada jacket and a Gucci tampon holder." Number one, eww. Number two, no, it's not -- Prada jackets start at $1,500 and if there were such a thing as a Gucci tampon holder it wouldn't be any cheaper. Brooke gets one of those deer-caught-in-the-headlights looks. Nicole tells her she's kidding -- but we sorta know she's not. You know, says Brooke, Marley Jacob would be so proud if she knew how much money we collected. (Geddit? Marley Jacob = Jacob Marley, Scrooge's late business partner? Okay, just checking.) Brooke fulfills our weekly menstruation-reference quota by borrowing a maxi-pad from Nicole and retreats into a stall while Nicole has a flashback at the mention of Marley's name . . .
It's one year ago, and Nicole is really nerdy. She's got a really preppy haircut and she's wearing glasses and a crew-neck sweater over a pair of Gap jeans. She's sitting in the Kim Novak Ladies' Lounge, speaking to some unseen person in a stall about how great Marley was and what she meant to Nicole. The unseen person turns out to be Marley, a Blonde of yesteryear who looks like she belongs on the set of Dynasty, and the speech that Nicole is rehearsing is a eulogy for Marley's funeral, which will presumably take place in a week or two because Marley is about to die of anorexia. And can I just add that, for someone about to expire from malnutrition, Marley looks pretty healthy -- not to mention a good ten years older than Nicole. Nicole suggests that she wouldn't have to give that speech if, say, Marley were to eat something. Marley shrugs her off and talks about how fat her arms are. Nicole mentions that the cheerleaders collected a record amount of cash this year for UNICEF. Marley corrects Nicole: the money is not for UNICEF, it's for Nicole and Marley. Nicole protests, but Marley reminds Nicole that her popularity could take a huge nose-dive if she doesn't get behind Marley. Ahh, so that's where Nicole learned to be such a smug bitch. Later, Marley collapses at the mall, where she and Nicole have just spent all the UNICEF money. I presume that this is the last Nicole ever saw of Marley Jacobs.
Nicole snaps out of her flashback and starts to leave the ladies' room with Brooke. On the way out, they bump into Carmen. "The cafeteria is that way," says Nicole. Meow. Instead of taking out a box cutter and slashing Nicole's face, Carmen hands over "a week's worth of lunch money" to Nicole for the UNICEF charity drive. See, it's important that Carmen tells us that it's lunch money, because otherwise we wouldn't know what a sacrifice that Carmen is making for UNICEF, because if there's anything Carmen wants more on this earth than a spot on the cheerleading squad and an end to world hunger, it's food.
Brooke thanks Carmen and leaves the ladies, but Nicole stays behind to tell Carmen that sucking up isn't going to help her get a spot on the cheerleading squad. I had thought that squad tryouts were in September and Carmen hadn't made it, but no, there's apparently a new round of tryouts a little over two months later. Whatever. Carmen protests that she had no ulterior motive for donating her lunch money to the cheerleaders and that she was only hoping to feed the hungry because its Christmas. Wait a minute. Carmen wants to be a cheerleader? Since when? I must have gone to the bathroom when they discussed that, or maybe I just plumb forgot. I mean, Carmen's character is so richly textured and fully developed, and there are all these layers -- between the fact that she's fat and wants to be a cheerleader (not to mention the fact that she wants be a cheerleader and she's fat), it's hard to keep track of the complexity that is Carmen, who is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, deep-fried in butterfat and carrying a pair of pom-poms. I guess I forgot about her wanting to be a cheerleader (or being fat) cause it's so rarely discussed.
Anyway. "Bah humbug," says Nicole.
Opening credits.
The Palace (tm amorgan -- sniff). Brooke, Sam, and the parents are trimming the tree. Hmm. What oh what will Brooke and Sam's conflict be this week? Well, it's a Christmas episode, so why not make it something seasonal? So, this week Brooke and Sam are fighting because both Brooke and Sam have a long tradition of hosting Christmas Day parties and now their parties will conflict with each other. <"How long a tradition could either of them have, anyway -- they're sixteen, for chrissake." -- Sars> How is this argument going to start? Well, Sam gets the ball rolling by making a snarky comment about the McQueens' fake tree (because Sam is just so real herself with all that low-maintenance hair). Then Brooke warns Sam about the "mouse doody" that will undoubtedly result from all the holly and ivy with which Sam is adorning the staircase so she can have her own "sloppy organic Christmas." How do the writers make this stuff seem so fresh and authentic each and every week? I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm watching a verité documentary about the American family. Mr. McQueen and Mrs. McPherson tell the girls that they can merge parties, and the girls give each other the stink-eye.
Hallways of Kennedy High. Carmen is on crutches. Oh, I get it -- since this is a modern re-telling of A Christmas Carol, Carmen is going to be Tiny Tim. In the age of Gwyneth, being fat and unable to tryout for cheerleading at a Southern California high school is as unfortunate as being small, poor, and lame was back in Dickensian England. Nicole walks by and knocks some books out of Carmen's arms.
In Bio's class just before the first semester final, Sam looks up from her Christmas list to ask what happened to Carmen's leg. It turns out that Carmen was taking a hip-hop dance class so she'd have some "totally complicated sassy moves" for the second-semester cheerleading tryouts, and she sprained her ankle. Meanwhile, I'm making character-motivation flash cards for every character on Popular like I had to do when I read War and Peace in college, and on the back of Carmen's I'm writing, "WANTS . . . TO . . . BE . . . A . . . CHEERLEADER" so that I don't forget that she wants to be a cheerleader, which I tend to do during each and every commercial break. So Bio announces that although this is "my most nastiest, most disobedient class ever" she/he's decided to cancel the final and raise everyone's grade-point average a half a grade because it's Christmas. Then she/he passes out fruitcakes and catnip toys. Everyone cheers and revels in their good fortune as Christmas music plays in the background, except for Nicole, who says, "Bah humbug." "What was that?" Bio asks. The Christmas music stops and everyone whirls around to stare at Nicole. Nicole says, "Bah humbug," again and rants about Christmas being a time when suicide rates increase and people max out their credit cards in order to drive the national consumer index up and relieve guilt. Then she makes a snarky comment about Bio's fruitcakes. Bio retorts that Nicole's got the wrong holiday and that Halloween was back in October, which makes the class laugh. Emory Dick (a.k.a. Butt Bolo guy) remarks that there's a hair in his fruitcake: "Awesome!" Class is dismissed.
A block littered with tony stores. Carmen hobbles along a snow-covered street while Freddie Gong, the Tuna Twins, and Emory Dick sing Christmas Carols dressed in some Southern California version of Dickensian England period costume. Hee! Carmen stops in front of a store window and checks out the display, which contains two blonde mannequins. She puts her mitten longingly up to the glass. Meanwhile I've been rewinding this scene and playing it over and over, trying to figure out what in that window is filling Carmen with such longing. Are the mannequins filled with chocolate or something? Is Carmen questioning her sexuality? Then it hits me. The mannequins are dressed as cheerleaders. I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and suggest that Carmen wants to be cheerleader and that's why she's looking at them that way. Just when you think you think you've got her all figured out, those writers go and add another spice to the sassy dish that is Carmen Ferrera. In fact, I think that when Freud said that he didn't know what women wanted, he was talking about Carmen Ferrera on Popular. Meanwhile, Mary Cherry and Popita are pulling a sleigh full of presents on their way to visit "Harrison Claus." Mary Cherry corrects Popita, "It's Joe Claus" I realize from the Ryan Murphy interview that Mary Cherry thinks Harrison's name is Joe, but why is he Santa Claus? I think there's a scene missing here.
The diner. The Browns all sit at a table dressed in Christmas costumes; Harrison is in a Santa suit and Sam, Lily, and Carmen are dressed as Santa's helpers. Real elves are running around in the background. And by the way, no, we never do find out why they are dressed this way or what the elves are doing there. Sam is bitching to everyone about how she has to share everything with Brooke, "including my traditions." Shut. Up. Sam. Carmen bemoans the fact that she can't tryout for cheerleading this time around because of her ankle. Then they see the Chess Club outside getting pelted with snowballs, and they realize that things could be worse. Sam suggests that all the Browns act as the Chess Club's Secret Santas and do them a huge favor. And by the way, no, we never do find out what that secret good deed is. Yes, it's bad to leave a loose plot thread lying around like that. But I'm still grateful that wherever they planned to go with that storyline, the writers decided to cut it short and give me the Christmas gift of an episode with barely any Sam, Lily, or Harrison in it.
At another table, Brooke suggests to Mary Cherry, Poppy, and Nicole that they give Carmen a Christmas gift this year and make her a cheerleader. Mary Cherry, so underused in this episode and being way too nice, points out that although Carmen is not a "ravin' beauty lahk myself" (and when she says "ravin' beauty," she makes this game-show host gesture around her own face) she does have "trés spirit." Poppy points out that Carmen is nice, pretty, and "shakes her ass like nobody's business." Everyone votes yes except Nicole, who blackballs Carmen and leaves the table. Brooke explains to the rest of the Blondes that Marley Jacobs died this time last year, and that's why Nicole is behaving this way. Oh, right, because when it's not Christmastime, Nicole is just a big ol' Barney doll.
Nicole passes Principal Hall on the street; the principal is ringing a bell and collecting donations for something or other. Nicole pulls out the envelope with all the UNICEF money in it, ostensibly to give it to Principal Hall, but instead of giving her the money, Nicole takes more cash from Principal Hall's basket, adds it to her envelope, and throws some coins into her bucket, taking off with all the money. And may I just point out that Nicole still doesn't have enough for that Prada jacket unless she finds a really good sample sale.
Okay, so just as I'm enjoying being completely sarcastic and critical about this episode, the creators of Popular have to ruin my fun with a brilliantly written and executed comic scene at the expense of the most pretentious skin care company in the world, Clinique, whose products are supposed to be so pure and expertly formulated that they dress their salesgirls up in lab coats. Nicole approaches a Clinique counter, and who should end up waiting on her but Bio, clad in her usual lab coat and looking oh-so-femme with a couple of pink clips in her hair. Bio explains that she needs some extra cash for Christmas, and Clinique hired her because she already owned a lab coat. Hee! Her sister, Jessie, had a "hankering for some hairless pussy" Well, it turns out she's talking about getting Jessie one of those really rare and expensive hairless cats like the one Dr. Evil had in Austin Powers, but still, how did that get past the censors? Nicole asks for a bottle of Clarifying Lotion Number 4. Bio nervously rings it up for her and asks her if she wants anything else. "Yes," says Nicole. "Your manager, dumbass!"
The manager appears and asks what the problem is. Nicole tells the manager that Bio tried to sell her a bottle of Clarifying Lotion Number 4. The manager gasps, and Nicole nods. Yes, folks -- Clarifying Lotion Number 4 is for oily skin, not for people with fair, sensitive complexions like Nicole's who should be using Clarifying Lotion Number 1. Might I add that I too have a fair and sensitive complexion. In fact, if I stood to Nicole, she'd look like the Bain De Soleil woman. Anyway, it just so happens that when I was "evaluated" by a Clinique "expert," they prescribed the Scruffing Lotion Number 1 and a Half, which is the men's equivalent of Clarifying Lotion Number 1, so I hereby forgive the Popular writers for not knowing how much Prada costs, although I'm a bit bummed that they chose such a passé company to diss when everyone knows that Kiehl's reigns supreme right now. ["Word." -- Sars] Furthermore, this is the second Clinique dig in the past month. I'm thinking that either one of the writers worked behind a Clinique counter or, like me, they're really pissed that these supposedly hypoallergenic products still irritate the hell out of their skin.
Anyway, the manager fires Bio on the spot, and as Bio walks out, she wishes Nicole a Merry Christmas without a trace of sarcasm or irony. Whoa! And more importantly, this is the first time that Bobby Glass has been referred to as "Bio" on the show, making this the first official shout-out in Mighty Big TV history. A round of applause for amorgan, please.
Back at Nicole's bedroom, which is decorated as though it were a nineteenth-century Englishman's home complete with stuffed chairs, a fireplace, a grandfather clock, and a canopy bed, Nicole sits by the fire sipping hot chocolate. Suddenly the ghost of Marley Jacobs appears to tell Nicole about the three ghosts of Christmas that will visit her that evening. Marley also warns Nicole about how her life will turn out if she continues to be a popular bitch and doesn't listen to the three ghosts. Nicole freaks and retreats behind the curtains of her canopy bed.
The clock strikes one, and Nicole (sleeping under a mink comforter) awakens to find Bio, a.k.a. the Ghost of Christmas Past, standing over her. "I don't need the Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion, capice?" says Nicole, thinking that the ghost is just Bio. "I come not to hydrate but to warn," says the ghost, and takes Nicole back in time. First they visit Nicole as an infant. Nicole asks why her mother, who is standing beside Nicole's crib with a martini in her hand, isn't picking her up. Bio Ghost explains that Nicole was never held as an infant. Turns out that the only person who did hold Nicole as an baby was her grandmother.
, they go to a lunchroom in a grammar school, where Nicole is a pudgy, unpopular girl who can't find a single person to sit with. "That's not me," says Nicole. "I'm a spirit with clairvoyant powers and that little porker is you," says Bio Ghost. One of Nicole's classmates trips her and she lands on the floor with her face stuck in her food while everyone laughs. "I'm ugly," little Nicole cries later to her grandmother, who comforts her and promises to always be there for her. She also gives her an early Christmas present -- one of those music boxes with a spinning ballerina which plays Beethoven's "Für Elise" (you know, that piano piece that everyone who studies piano has to learn because it's the law). Pay attention to the music box, because it represents something. , Nicole is shown Nana's grave.
Bio Ghost then takes Nicole to Christmas of the year. It is right after Marley's death, and Nicole has inherited Marley's skin care technician, hairdresser, and mantle of popularity. Nicole's reign of terror begins, and we see her sticking it to everyone at Kennedy High and causing mayhem and chaos. Bio Ghost points out to her that there is someone at Kennedy who is still the little unpopular girl that dwells inside of Nicole: Carmen. Nicole protests until she is shown Carmen, having gotten turned down for (say it with me now, all together everyone) cheerleading. Carmen looks in the mirror of the Kim Novak Ladies' Lounge and says to her reflection, "I'm ugly." Nicole says she can't look anymore and wakes up in her bed, thinking that her ordeal is over.
Not so fast. Mary Cherry appears before her as the Ghost of Christmas Present, smirking and wearing a red velvet gown. Waving her "Star of Bethlehem facsimile wand purchased at Neiman Marcus," Mary Cherry has them journey to the Palace, where they see Brooke and Sam right before their joint Christmas party. Mr. McQueen and Mrs. McPherson are slow-dancing by two Christmas trees (one presumes because the two girls kept fighting over the tree issue until their parents bought a real and a fake one), and Brooke is wearing holly in yet another very complicated hairdo. Brooke tells Sam that "despite the hell of living together," she really is glad that their parents have each other. Sam gives Brooke a present, prompting Brooke to ask if Sam is giving her a bomb. You see, Brooke and Sam hate each other, so if Sam were to give Brooke a Christmas present, it might have a bomb in it. Geddit? I haven't seen such hilarious cat-fighting since Jacqueline Susann and Truman Capote were still alive. Anyway, it's not a bomb, it's two tickets to see Radiohead, and Brooke is all happy because she, like every teen alive, can't resist the happening sound of buzzing, wailing alienation. Brooke in turn gives Sam a present: a framed photo of the newly merged family. Brooke says that Sam looks pretty in the photo. On closer inspection, it seems that Sam's got her mouth open.
Nicole exclaims that she must be dreaming because Sam and Brooke are being cozy with each other. MC as the ghost of Christmas Present (hereto referred to as "Merry Cherry") tells her that if Brooke and Sam can put aside their troubles for one day out of the year, then there's hope for all mankind. I have news for Merry Cherry: Sam and Brooke kiss and make up at some point during every single episode, so by your calculations, we should all be living in some sun-drenched hunger-free utopia where everyone has a garbage disposal and a Palm Pilot by now. Anyway, the guests arrive. Emory Dick brings mistletoe and makes one of those aggressive moves on both Sam and Brooke facilitated by that kissing-under-the-mistletoe tradition that's kept television audiences laughing since I can't even remember. Hey, Emory -- save your money and buy some roofies. Freddie Gong and the Tuna twins show up and freak the hell out of Mr. McQueen and Mrs. McPherson. Carmen hobbles in, and Brooke apologizes to her for not letting her on the squad this year. Gosh, how did Brooke know that Carmen wanted to be cheerleader?
Everyone sits at the table, the Blondes, the Browns, the parents, and the Chess Club. Brooke and Sam sit at opposite ends of the table with really freaky garlands of something or other in their even more complicated hairstyles. Sugar Daddy, in his first of very few lines in this episode, reminds us how black-identified he is by making an "apple juice toast" to Sam and Brooke's "slamming" Christmas party. Mr. McQueen toasts families and Carmen, a.k.a. Tiny Tim, says, "God bless us, every one." Brooke expresses joy that everyone who was invited came. Poppy points out that Nicole isn't there, and April Tuna explains that Nicole is home "polishing her broomstick." Josh, in one of his only lines in this episode, wonders aloud how anyone could boycott Christmas. Lily, thinking globally as always, demonstrates her knowledge of non-Western religion by explaining to Josh that it's called "karma." Thanks, Lily -- I always thought that karma was a spiritually determined consequence for behavior in past lives. Now I realize that karma really means "staying away from a lame party."
Brooke proposes a toast to Nicole anyway, but Sam protests toasting to such a bitch. Emory argues that Christmas is about forgetting how evil someone like Nicole is for a moment, and Harrison backs him up, because Harrison is all about the spirit of the season, not because he's trying to get into the pants of Nicole's best friend or anything. Carmen says that "the boys are right, let's forgive and forget," and proposes a toast to Nicole, because it's Christmas, not because she wants to kiss Brooke's ass to get on the squad or anything. Finally, Sam gives in and they all toast Nicole, which touches Nicole deeply. But alas, this vision doesn't end on a fuzzy note -- Merry Cherry waves her wand and they end up in the middle of a gothic street scene. Principal Hall is ringing her bell again, calling out, "Alms for the poor," but now she's wearing period costume.
"Look here, mortal woman. Look down and be afraid," Merry Cherry says as she lifts her skirt to reveal the Tuna twins clinging to her legs; May Tuna is eating a Tupperware container of dirt. The twins, explains Merry Cherry, cling to her as popularity outcasts representing fear and ignorance. A group of Browns, Blondes, and Chess Club members in period costume point at Nicole and proclaim, "Doom!" Nicole runs down the street to escape judgment as they all chase her and shout, "Doom!" and she runs smack into the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come, an anonymous cloaked figure.
A future Christmas is shown to Nicole. Sugar Daddy, Josh, Brooke, and Sam are talking about the death of someone they all loved. Nicole, assuming it is she, is confused by their misery, especially Sam's. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come points to a pair of crutches standing forlornly in the corner. It turns out that Carmen died of gangrene from her sprained ankle and it is she, not Nicole, that they are mourning. The ghost then shows Nicole her own frost-covered tombstone, and Nicole realizes that she died alone and no one mourned her.
Nicole wakes up, relieved that her nightmare is over. She hugs her cashmere sweater and her Miu Miu shoes and then notices her music box and remembers her promise to turn over a new leaf. Her first order of business is to sneak the money she stole back into Principal Hall's box. "Merry Christmas, Ms. Julien," says Principal Hall. Don't mess with blind Principal Hall, girlfriend! She can't see, but she can smell evil brewing a mile away.
Back at the Christmas party at the Palace, Carmen is singing Silent Night in a strangely familiar voice, and I am wondering if the song during the credits that goes "think it over once or twice" is in fact sung by Sara Rue. Everyone is kinda rolling their eyes at Carmen's performance until Nicole shows up with gifts. The Kennedy kids are amazed at Nicole's change of attitude and at the quality of the gifts she's bought them: a country-club membership for Harrison; a shaver with a mother-of-pearl handle for Lily; pearls for Popita, and so on. While everyone else admires their gifts, Carmen is left giftless. No wait, Nicole does have something for Carmen -- an ice pack. Huh? Nicole explains that Carmen needs to get the swelling down fast if she's going to learn all the moves for semester's cheers. "But I'm not a cheerleader," Carmen says, in the withering tone of a fresh-faced chorus girl who has to go on opening night because the star of the Broadway show is too hungover. Nicole explains that Carmen is too a cheerleader, and that she'd be honored if Carmen would join the squad.
Finally, we see the Glass twins sitting on their balcony, sad to be pussy-less yet grateful to have each other's company for Christmas. They hear something outside, and Bobby runs to get the gun. No, it's not an intruder, it's those kids from Kennedy: the Browns, the Blondes, and the Chess Club. They're wearing really dewy make-up and singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, looking so young and fresh that I just want to run out and buy a turkey baster and impregnate one of my lesbian friends so that I can have a kid as wholesome and good-natured as any of these guys. Nicole wishes Bio and Jessie a Merry Christmas and hands them a hairless pussy. Awwww. But wait a minute -- don't any Jewish people attend Kennedy High?