Okay, here we go. This episode opens with the usual establishing shot of Kennedy High, but this time there’s a difference. Something about it looks more realistic, more true-to-life. Is it the angry picketers marching and chanting in front of the school? Maybe. Is it the unruly skateboarder, cruising through the crowd and making annoyed people shout at him? Maybe. Oh, I know what it is! It’s the piles and piles of garbage all over the place! Drifts of litter - food wrappers, receipts, plastic bags - make their way from one corner of the parking lot to the ; see, the angry picketers are the school janitors on strike. Inside the school, the Kim Novak Ladies’ Lounge now looks like every other high-school bathroom in America (and perhaps the world): filthy. No paper towels in the paper-towel dispenser, eh, Sam? Get used to it. As Sam is forced to wipe her hands on her pants, she hears Brooke’s unmistakable voice come from one of the stalls: "Damn!" That’s right - Sam and Brooke are still the only two people in the entire world who use this bathroom. I guess some things never change. Something clatters to the floor, and I wonder, is Brooke really going to use a tampon after she’s dropped it, and are they going to show that on prime time? But it’s not a tampon at all. It’s a pregnancy test. Ho hum. I can see this is going to be one of those episodes. (At this point I break for the 7-11, because they’re having a special on sixers of Lone Star tallboys. Only $3.99. What a deal, huh?) Sam ducks inside a stall just as Brooke comes out of hers. Phew. Close call got my heart pounding. Just kidding. Brooke chucks her PG test into the trash and leaves; Sam, of course, dives for the can as soon as the coast is clear, thus proving once again that she is the nosiest, lamest child on television. Oh, I hope she doesn’t trust this secret to one close confidante who will then accidentally broadcast the news to the entire school, thus perpetuating the rift between the Browns and the Blondes.
Commercials. Make. Me. Cranky.
When we come back from the commercial break, some woman is standing in front of some classroom full of the usual crowd, blathering about the guest principal program, saying, "It’s quite an honor," blah blah blah et cetera. I can’t listen, though, because I’m entranced by Mary Cherry. She’s wearing rubber gloves, and spraying some kind of cleaning product onto her desk. Teacher: "Mary Cherry, what are you doing?" MC: "Disinfecting mah personal space!" The sloganeering of the picketers drifts through the open window, so the teacher closes the windows. More about the principal-for-a-day program. Guest principal, principal-for-a-day, whatever. Tomato, Clamato. Anyway. It seems the students get to elect someone to be principal for a day. But the nice mystery teacher can’t get through her explanation, because now Smug Bitch is Lysol-ing her own desk. Teacher: "Miss Bitch, what did I tell you about the Lysol?" SB: "I’m sorry, but I’m not going to catch mad cow disease from a desk." Um, no you’re not. You catch mad cow disease from eating beef. Just ask Little Big Head, she’ll tell you all about it. Vegetarians, when they come of age, receive a handbook of all meat-related diseases, and have to recite the names and characteristics of said maladies in front of a crowd of their friends and family. It’s true. I threw a big party for mine, and had a friend’s band play. The teacher accuses SB of scabbing (that’s "strike-breaking" for you non-labor-issue-oriented people), and the students get a little lecture about labor relations. Then Carmen complains that they couldn’t possibly host a guest principal in a school that looks like Johnny Depp’s hotel room. Um, what? How would you know what Johnny Depp’s hotel room looks like, Carmen? Do teenagers still care about Johnny Depp? He’s getting kinda old for the under-twenty crowd, I thought. Oh, whatever, whatever, whatever. Blah blah blah, big lecture about how messy life is, and how our ability to deal with filth is an accurate indicator of our moral character. Wow. Way to perpetuate the romantic stereotype of the blue-collar worker, while . . . wait. Sorry, I was channeling Little Big Head for a second. Forgive me. The bell rings, and Brooke runs up to the teacher and says that she might be out tomorrow, so could she take a make-up test on Monday. Yep. That’s all fine and dandy with Teach, but it spells trouble to Sam. Sam asks Brooke if she’s okay, and Brooke basically tells her to fuck right off. Yay, Brooke!
Back in the filthy Kim Novak Lounge, Brooke and Smug Bitch go through SB’s day-planner to try and figure out how late Brooke’s period is. First of all, why does SB have Brooke’s, um, schedule in her day-planner? Second of all, hasn’t Brooke figured out by now that stress + eating disorder = never getting your period? So then SB declares that she hasn’t had a date in seventeen days. Right. Um, from what I’ve seen, Smug Bitch has never had a date. Maybe by "date" she really means "supervised mating in a controlled environment to perpetuate the species of super-beings that Bio is cooking up in the basement." Maybe. Smug Bitch tells Brooke not to go into Drama Overdrive, not to tell Josh about this, and to chill because "the river can’t run through it if you’re stressing." Oh, man. I don’t know whether to laugh or cringe, so I grimly open the first beer instead.
Cut to Mary Cherry, Smug Bitch, and Sugar Daddy walking down the stairs. "I bet if we elected Martha Stewart principal for a day, those servants would pick up their push brooms faster than you can say ‘Jimmy crack corn.’" Bwa-ha-ha! God bless Mary Cherry. This delectable comment causes SB to have a flash of inspiration: get Gwyneth Paltrow to be principal for a day. Sugar Daddy says that he knows Gwyneth’s personal shopper from the driving range; MC and SB look at each other in devilish slow motion, scary movie music creaking in the background. Then SB takes charge, handing the Lysol to MC and telling her, "Get as many signatures as you can. If anyone refuses to sign, spray them in the eyes." Hee hee! Then she turns to SD: "Find that personal shopper and figure out a hole in Gwynnie’s schedule." SD begins to protest, but SB silences him with a stern "if I wanted your opinion, the subject would be pancakes." BWA-HA-HA! Maybe I won’t need to get wasted to enjoy this episode, after all.
Cut to Harrison’s locker. Sam, Harrison, and Little Big Head are all wearing uber-proletariat gear, but not on purpose. It’s just something I noticed, all that tech-fleece, cargo-pant, utility-vest fashion flailing wildly out of control. Workers of the world, unite -- you have nothing to lose but your credibility now that you’ve been co-opted by Old Navy. Anyway, Harrison tells Carmen and Sam that his mom might be able to put them in touch with George Stephanopolous, but then backs down when they take him seriously. "My mom’s new boyfriend freaks out when she dials 411," says Harrison bitterly. Sam, never one to take a hint, decides to go hound Harrison’s mom in person, behind Harrison’s back. LAME! Have I mentioned yet that Sam is an asshole? Anyway, over at Brooke’s locker, Josh is hassling Brooke because she’s been avoiding him. Brooke freaks out and drops the bomb that she’s having a pregnancy scare. Remember last recap when I said to watch out for teenage girls? Well, I meant it. Josh freaks out (duh), and Brooke runs off to class, leaving him standing in the hall, losing his cool.Later, in the local drugstore’s "Feminine Hygiene" aisle, Josh tries to buy the entire drugstore’s worth of pregnancy tests in a scene that has the highest cringe factor of any yet. Of course all the Brown girls have to come in right at that moment and totally scare him off, leaving the pharmacist standing with an armload of really conspicuous pregnancy tests. Oh, look, Harrison’s mom is the pharmacist. She looks kind of a like a young Glenn Close, only prettier. Wow. ["The actress also played Kevin’s mom on The Wonder Years. She looks a lot better with nineties hair." -- Sars] Carmen snorts like a little pig. They bring up the subject of George Stephanopolous, then mention that Mrs. Harrison’s boyfriend won’t ever have to know that she wrote the letter to George to ask if he’ll be Principal-for-a-Day. Why do these girls think G.S. is hot? Ew. That’s what I think. Mrs. Harrison makes a crack about how she’s rather date Hillary than George, then has a little smoochy-poo talk with her girlfriend and co-worker there at the drugstore. The Browns look at each other and whisper and nudge, rendering themselves instantly annoying. Mrs. Harrison looks knowingly at them, and wonders silently if she could live with herself if she slept with all of her son’s friends, one at a time. You know, it’s not the lesbian thing that gets me here, it’s the fact that she’s dating a co-worker! That’s soooo not okay!
Aaaaand commercial break. When we come back from commercial break, Smug Bitch and Mary Cherry are harassing the holy fuck out of Sugar Daddy, interrogating him about Gwyneth’s personal shopper, Felix. When they learn that Felix practically laughed at them for thinking they could get Gwyneth, Smug Bitch grabs Sugar Daddy by his fat gold rope chain and tells him that she hopes he’s better at driving a getaway car than he is at the art of persuasion. Sugar Daddy: "Where are we going?!" Smug Bitch: "Bev Hills, but first we’re gonna stop by my place and get some cuffs." The reason that Smug Bitch has handcuffs is not because she’s a sex fiend, mind you; it’s because she’s the leader of a select group of vat-bred assassin cheerleaders who are going to help Bio in her plan for world domination. Just so you don’t get any ideas.
Anyway, over at Sam’s new house, Sam can’t seem to leave a message on Harrison’s answering machine. Fortunately, by pounding on the patio door, Josh distracts her from thinking about how shitty it is to hang up on people’s answering machines. He barges right in and spills all the beans about Brooke to Sam. Brooke walks in in the middle of this confession and chews him a new one for blabbing to the one person whose sole purpose in the show is to screw things up for Brooke (um, that’s Sam, if you didn’t get that part). Brooke shouts at Josh, then threatens Sam, who sits on a stool with her mouth hanging open like she’s been shot full of Novocain.
Over at the pharmacy, Harrison picks his mom up from work. Mom, not one to take shit from some teenage girls about her perfectly respectable affair with a co-worker, nails Harrison immediately for being embarrassed about his mom’s sexual preferences. They get into a really sad fight about whether or not it’s appropriate for Mrs. Harrison to be out. Oh, wow. Harrison calls her a freak, and says that he doesn’t want the whole world to think he’s gay just because his mom is. He runs off, leaving her standing stunned by the car in the parking lot of her work. Oh, that’s terribly sad. Yeesh.
On the lighter side, Smug Bitch, Mary Cherry, and Sugar Daddy seem to have abducted Felix, Gwyneth’s personal shopper. They shove him down the stairs with a Clinique bag over his head; heist/noir thriller music plays in the background. The Blondes are all wearing sunglasses, and look wonderfully glamorous. Felix tells them that G is in Paris getting hair extensions, and that she only checks her messages once a day. "Once a day?" exclaims Mary Cherry. "That’s so secure! Um, if Ben answers, will you tell him that Mary Cherry said hey?" Hee hee. Felix, under duress, leaves a message for Gwyneth that’s so absurd I have to write it down, "I found those Manolo Blahniks. They’re perfect. Very after dark. If Heather Graham already has a pair I’m going to kill myself. Call me back when you get the chance." SB tells him to call back and say that if Gwen doesn’t call back by five o’clock, she’ll never see those shoes again. Mary Cherry coos at the cruelty of this threat. You know, this is all really funny, but I just can’t get real worked up about it. Sorry, guys.
At the Palace, Brooke looks at another pregnancy test, some doo-wop music plays sweetly, and she wanders down to the kitchen and actually takes a bite of Sam’s popcorn, then announces that she’s going to have a baby. I still can’t get very worked up about it, mostly because it’s just not true.
The Iron Giant was one of the coolest movies I’ve seen in years. I saw it once on my birthday, and then again about a month later. Cried both times. That’s hard to beat.
When we come back from commercial break, Sam watches Brooke fiend over food: "I’m starving!" Jeez! It’s about time you figured it out! Sam recommends that Brooke go to the clinic and get a blood test, but Brooke is too busy discovering lettuce for the first time to pay any attention at all.
The day, the janitors are still on strike. Felix hungrily munches some curly fries while Mary Cherry reads a fashion magazine. Smug Bitch comes down the stairs, looking for all the world like Cruella De Ville, and she proceeds to rough him up a little bit, telling him that he can’t use the toilet until Gwynnie calls, then sliding him a garbage can to pee into. Hee. While Smug Bitch is busy being the bad cop, Mary Cherry starts rooting through Gwyneth’s shopping bags. "Where are the shoes?" barks Smug Bitch. Felix’s eyes go wide with horror as Mary Cherry and SB open the box of Manolo Blahniks, and a holy red glow shines up onto their faces from the interior of the shoe box. BWA-ha-ha! Smug Bitch whips off her black boots and crams her big ol’ feet into these pointy, delicate little pink things, for all the world like one of Cinderella’s stepsisters. Oh man! It turns into a total eighties video, complete with dated camera work and special effects. Mary Cherry and Smug Bitch then proceed to dig through all Gwyneth’s clothes to the tune of David Bowie’s "Fashion." Felix looks stunned, and I am on the floor, howling with laughter. Finally!
At Harrison’s locker, Little Big Head and Carmen try to tell Harrison that they think his mom should be the Principal-for-a-Day, and he gets really, really cranky at them. They try to tell him that his mom rocks, but he gets even meaner and stomps away. Aw. I can’t even be mad at him when he’s being lame. Poor kid. At the other end of the hall, Josh begs Sam to tell him what’s up with Brooke, but she runs away. For once in her life. Good girl.
Back at the Palace, Brooke hugs her knees to her chest and looks sad, and Sam tries to give her some damned computer printout that Brooke doesn’t want. Back at school, Little Big Head and Carmen have to listen to some random loser chick tell them that lesbians are gross, which prompts them to reconsider Harrison’s position. Finally. But back at the Palace, Jane finds the computer printout about motherhood that Brooke didn’t want on the hall floor and questions Sam. Brooke and I hold our breaths, sure that Sam’s going to spill the beans on this one, but she doesn’t. I breathe a sigh of relief, but Brooke just crawls into her big ol’ purple bed with all of her clothes on and tries to sleep it off. The baby, that is.
In the school’s basement, Mary Cherry and Smug Bitch threaten Felix, who looks more and more like Scott Thompson from Kids In The Hall. Wow. They’re actually kind of scary in these scenes. Smug Bitch tells Felix to call Gwyneth one more time, and this time SB will be leaving the message, thank you very much. Then she threatens to kill him if G hasn’t called by midnight. Because Katie Couric is in the lead, and that just won’t do, apparently.
Upstairs, in the mystery teacher’s classroom, students are asked to write their names on the board under Katie Couric’s name or Gwyneth’s name. "Personally, I hope Katie wins, she’s an exceptional mother," the teacher drones, while Brooke’s belly blows up to the size of a watermelon, and then suddenly the . . . Supremes? BWA-HA-HA-HA! They got me again! Yay! It’s the mystery teacher, Smug Bitch, and Mary Cherry, all in pink sequined dresses, singing in another video about how Brooke is a "dirty ho’, gonna be a prom mom on the floor . . ." Heeeee hee heee! Wow. I think my ennui may be cured, and I haven’t even gotten drunk yet.
Aw, wouldn’t ya know it? It was all a dream sequence. Brooke is still lying in her lilac-colored bed in her pajamas. I guess this prompts her to go to the free clinic, because that’s the shot of her - standing at the counter of the clinic with Sam at her side, saying, "That’s Brooke, with an ‘e.’ "
What a great time for a commercial break, eh?
In the lobby of the clinic, Brooke and Sam actually act nice to each other. Brooke thanks Sam for coming with her, then makes a point of telling Sam that she’s handled "much bigger" things than this by herself. For once articulating my own thought, Sam says, "Like what?" Brooke looks at her silently, then looks down, which can either mean that she’s lying, or that she’s been sexually assaulted or something in the past. Both of these possibilities unsettle me greatly, even though I know they’re just TV characters and TV possibilities. I hate it when I get all wrapped up in the action like this.
On another part of the set, Harrison plays basketball by himself -- but Little Big Head and Carmen insist on talking to him. Take a hint, guys! They apologize really humbly, but he doesn’t seem to want their apology all that much. He might also be feeling crappy because LBH broke his heart last episode, on top of totally nosing into his personal life in this episode. It’s just a thought.
On yet another part of the set, Sam calls Josh on the pants-phone and demands that Josh come down to the clinic. Josh tries to tell Sam that Brooke is really not in the mood to talk to him, but Sam throws some home-grown guilt at him and makes her point loud and clear.
Phew. Comic relief. Smug Bitch and Mary Cherry, Sugar Daddy and Felix all stare at the pink cell phone and bicker with each other. Sugar Daddy suggests they maybe go after Eve Plumb, but SB silences him: "One more suggestion like that and I’ll pinch your head right off your neck!" Hee. I gotta remember that one for when my door neighbor suggests that I stop leaving my trash bags outside my front door until he takes it down to the dumpster. In-fighting ensues until Felix somehow ends up giving an amazing, inspiring speech to the Blondes, asking them why they should worship someone who doesn’t have the confidence to buy her own underwear. "You’re the trendsetters, you’re the stars in this sky!" The Blondes uncuff Felix, and Mary Cherry says, "Look at me, I’m covered with gooseflesh!" HAH! SB turns to her and says sweetly, "You always do nice things with texture." Double HAH! An angelic choir sings a rousing hymn in the background, and they all part ways with love in their hearts.
Back in Way-Too-Dramatic-For-Its-Own-Good-Land, Josh storms into the waiting room at the clinic, and he and Brooke hold hands for a minute. Then Brooke sends Sam home, and Josh looks really relieved.
At the drugstore, Mrs. Harrison and her girlfriend Robin end up in a fight about Harrison, who wants to borrow the car without telling them where he’s going. Robin totally sticks up for Harrison, then snits away, and Mrs. Harrison ends up giving this big-ass speech about how she wanted to be the perfect mom, but, well, she’s gay, and that’s that. So she’s not going to be perfect, but she is going to be honest and straight-up with Harrison. He tells her that he’s not mad at her, and she says that she’s not mad at him, either. Then she gives him the car keys, and he kind of apologizes for being such a shit. Aw. Tender. Right. Moving along.
Later, in the Kim Novak Ladies’ Lounge, Brooke calls the clinic and gets negative results to her pregnancy test, which prompts her to shriek and shout and then pull a copy of In Style out of her purse to show to SB. Um, right. Okay. ["Aside from the part with the magazine, I thought Leslie Bibb did a great job with ‘relief face.’" -- Sars] In said magazine, there’s a four-page spread of Gwyneth and her personal shopper, who is definitely not Felix. "Oooohhhh!" screams SB in rage, and then she runs out of the room. Leaving Sam and Brooke alone again, at last, like they always are in this bathroom. Sam is sporting a sort of Princess Leia-meets-Bjork sort of hairdo, which reminds me of my own many years of hair-don’ts in high school. Let’s see, are they going to be sweet to each other? Yes, they are. Here it comes. Yep. Told you.
In the hall of lockers, Smug Bitch and Mary Cherry and Sugar Daddy all discover the picture of Felix on the back of a milk carton, which reports that he’s an escaped mental patient. This is so patently absurd that I can’t even make fun of it. Y’all go to town. I’m too tired to mess with this one. Let’s look to Harrison’s locker to see if something less obnoxious is going on. Mmmm. Marginally better. Harrison finds a crumpled-up petition that Little Big Head left at his locker, nominating his mom for the Principal-for-a-Day. He uncrumples it, signs it, and drops it into the ballot box, thus reinforcing my love for him. I’m sure he’s going to be my boyfriend, once he grows up and escapes the set of the show. Oh, and the janitors are still on strike. For no adequately explained reason. At all. The end.