According to The WB, "America" is talking about Eden's Crush's first single. Seeing as how when I tell people I recap Popstars and they look at me like I just told them I now sell limbs on the Internet, I had no idea "America" was so in the loop.
Previously on Popstars: the girls learned how to dance and sing in one day. This time they only get one day to make a video. Tomorrow, they'll only have one day to find crotchless shorts. Nicole will maybe pass out from the lack of food, but really she won't because that would possibly be interesting. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun complete with the extended dance remix of "Get Over This Show."
We open with Ana Maria lying on a bed telling us she's excited about making their first video. (Is it still called a "first" when it'll be the "only"? Just wondering.) Ivette gets all cracky-voiced serious and tells us she wants it to "be great." Rosanna squints and says she wants them to look "really hip." Well, with all of those different points of view, how will these girls ever get it together in time? Sorry. I'm just trying to create my own drama in this show now.
We watch the crew prepare the video set. Storyboards. The girls sit down at the production something-or-other as the narrator tells us this is just the first stop in an "endless day of meetings, fittings, and rehearsals." Travis is a co-director. He's worn his happy ski hat for today. We're told again that Travis worked with Madonna and Mandy Moore. The other director, Laura Kelly, did Rage Against the Machine's "Guerilla Radio" and Crazytown's "Butterfly." So, it's Laura Kelly that I hate so much for that stupid "Come, come my lady" Chili Peppers rip-off on constant rotation. Good. I needed to put a face to the anger. Travis and Laura sit at a table and pretend that the girls are going to have some sort of input. It's hilarious. They are basically telling the girls what they're going to do, but saying it in a way that the girls are supposed to think, "These people are all working just to make us happy! We're so special!"
The worst part is here they're going to explain the video bit-by-bit and then shoot the video bit-by-bit and then we're going to watch the video. I'm going to be recapping this stuff three times in a row. I hate it. Anyway, Travis explains that the video will open with this guy walking into this "raw space," which means an apartment. He's got the "newest latest DVD slash CD" technology. Wow. That boy is hip. "He puts it into a great big audio sound system." The girls all listen intently, shifting uncomfortably from the Brazilian waxing they all got first thing that morning. Travis continues and says that DVD boy's friends show up to watch the DVD with him. They then soon realize that all of the girls can see them sitting in their living room. Ivette squints like, "But they see the most, right? Because I need this to be all equal and everything." Rosanna tries to say something smart, but instead she says she loves all of the different "textures" and she thinks it's really "neat" how the whole thing "shifts" during the video.
The girls are given hair and makeup portfolios so that, again, they can pretend they have a say in how they're going to look. So tedious, pretending to keep these girls happy. Ivette hammers a pen into the desk and demands that whoever they hire to work with hair is able to work with "all kinds of hair." God, she's annoying, people. Why does she always think she's getting screwed? Ivettte continues to say that she wants to make sure that every person is getting equal time, "so that nobody's shafted." Since they don't have an answer for Ivette that she's going to like, and because they just want her to shut up, Travis shouts, "Y'all wanna see some guys?" Someone "woohoos" and Ivette's concerns and complaints are tossed out the window since it's time for boys! The girls pretend to pick out the five guys who will be used in the video. They hold up headshots, pretend to read résumés, and grab their own breasts in excitement. They do. Nicole complains that one of the guys is prettier than she is. Travis looks at us, rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He so crazy! The girls keep talking about the boys, kissing their pictures, breathing heavy, wasting our time.
Cut to the rehearsal studio, where the girls are all crawling on their knees, rubbing their own chests while thrusting their crotches into the air, rolling their heads around in ecstasy. The narrator calls this a "dance rehearsal." The narrator says that this dance rehearsal is also the one that requires "the most energy." Ha. Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that she doesn't have as much "experience" as the rest of the girls, so she's nervous. Wait. When did she become the inexperienced one? Oh. Maybe she's referring to grinding on the ground like a sloppy whore. Well. I don't know. I remember your first audition, Ana Maria. You knew what those bony hips were for back then. The narrator tells us that the girls are having to "painstakingly perfect" their moves. This requires Travis to crawl on the ground with them, which was worth the thirty minutes for me.
The narrator says all of this has "taken its toll," and the music gets all somber. Travis says that this has all been "a handful." Nicole whines that she's tired and hasn't been getting any sleep. She hasn't had time to breathe. She says it's hard to pose and control herself. Travis gives a pep talk and tells them that it's time for them to be "hot" and "kick the doors open" so that people know who the hell Eden's Crush is, since no one is watching Popstars.
It's the crack of dawn the day and we watch the girls grumble around in their beds, whining to be left alone. Then they remember that they have a video to shoot and suddenly they are all covered in makeup, showered, shaved, dressed, and happy to be alive. As a sidenote, it may look like I'm just glossing over this recap or only giving you the basic parts of each scene, but I'm not. This is just how it happens. Boom, boom, boom, shot, shot, shot. Nothing interesting happens, there's no real conflict, there's nothing there. Just didn't want you to think I'd given up on you.