Previously on Popstars: The girls all moved into their new home and then recorded their first single. We're told the entire album has to be completed in less than two months. The "Tension Music" kicks in as we see the girls auditioning for the different parts of the song. They announce their name again.
We cut to the studio, where the girls are working on another single. We're told that the girls are trying to "adjust to the pressures of living together." This is done by showing a clip of Ivette rubbing her forehead. She tells us, "It isn't always an easy thing." Oh, that smells like a new single. The girls are going to find out they have twenty-four hours to come up with a production number to perform in front of a live audience. The narrator says the audience will be composed of hundreds of television critics, and that the performance "could make or break their careers." Yes. Because the television critics have the final word on all pop groups. I remember how the New Kids totally lost album sales when TV Guide gave them a "Jeers." Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
The opening credits now include verses from the song, and not just the "oh"s. That means the opening credits (there are no names, only flashing photos) are now even longer.
Apparently six weeks have passed since the girls moved into the studio. Oh, I guess we won't get to see any of the conflicts from that time. Now they just live together and everyone's happy. Great. What kind of reality show is this? We're introduced to the producer, Chris Farren, who worked with 98˚, so you know these girls are with the best of the best. Farren kind of looks like an exhausted Chris Elliott, who already looks pretty exhausted at all times. He tells the girls that he wants to spend "a minute or two" on the bridge of the new song, and then move on from there. As Ivette practices "You Know I Can" in the studio, she split-screens to tell us that you can practice as much as you want, but you could still end up sucking behind the microphone.
Cut to Nicole having an orgasm behind her microphone. In a split screen she tells us she's never done anything like this before. Farren laughs and stops Nicole's moaning. "Great! Let's go again. Nothing to say. Just keep doing that." She's going to hear those four sentences a lot in life, I think.
We flash through the other girls singing. Rosanna hits a note that causes Farren's spine to arch up like a cat in heat. Because there's nothing interesting or entertaining about this show anymore, we're forced to just watch the levels go up and down on the mixer.
The narrator: "While there's harmony in the studio today, back at the house, the girls are trying to adjust to living together." See, aside from the stupid pun, there really isn't any conflict in that sentence. And there isn't any that they're showing us here, either. I guess they want us all to think these girls are sweet as honey, so we'll buy their album. We watch Rosanna make coffee, Ana Maria apply lip liner, and Ivette grab some breakfast. Can you handle this much conflict? Can you?
Ivette tells us that one of the nice things about a job is that when you go home, you aren't with your co-workers anymore. She doesn't have that. She also isn't allowed to go out of the house and have any life other than with these girls.
Nicole's wearing glasses to make herself look smarter, and she's wearing darker lip-liner on the outside of her lips than the gloss inside to make herself look sluttier. She says she's learning more about the girls every day, learning the boundaries each girl has. To illustrate, they split-screen to the girls sitting in a circle working on their harmonies. Because there's nothing else to show, I guess. Nicole says the first half of a sentence, but they cut her off before she ever comes near something resembling a point. I guess so she doesn't hurt herself on the sharp object.
Maile tells us that many people need quiet time and it's hard to get in a house of five women.
The narrator tells us that the girls are learning how to work through their differences, and I guess it's a good thing he told us because otherwise we'd have no idea there were differences, or what steps, if any, they were taking to resolve the conflicts. It doesn't matter, because the girls are back at the studio to record their single. "Love This Way." The audio goes funky here, as they've obviously changed either the title of the song or the first producer. We're having to hear about the producers again. They are Carsten Lindberg and Joachim A. Svare. They've worked with Mandy Moore and Monica. When, exactly, am I supposed to start getting impressed with any of these people?
Ana Maria is singing the ballad and is stopped by Joachim (I guess), and he says he just wants her to sing a smaller part of the song. Ana Maria split-screens to tell us how she gets into the zone when she sings and pretends that she's not behind a mic in a studio, but is in front of an audience. The other side of the screen is Ana Maria standing in a room with a tiny plate of candles, all bundled up. She's trying everything to stay warm, isn't she? Those candles are so sad looking.
God, people. Wake up. If I have to sit through this episode, you could at least stay awake during the recap. Maile split-screens to wail on one half and "keep it real" on the other side with us. Maile says she was confident the first day, but now that they keep having to sing songs and sometimes even use harmonies, she's realizing that this whole singing thing is much harder than she thought it was going to be, and perhaps being an actor isn't good enough to record a pop album. Basically, that's what she says.
Maile stops singing and makes a "Don't beat me, Joachim!" face to the studio window. "That's pretty," someone says, like they're trying to talk Maile off a ledge.
Rosanna keeps trying to hit this one note, but no matter how tight she pinches her fingers together, she just can't seem to do it. She even tries the Wince of Conviction, but it's just not getting there. She has to split-screen to make excuses. She reminds us of the pressure, which really should have been the name for this group, and tells us again that they don't have much time to crank out this album. She uses both hands to make a visual representation of the word "pressure": her hands float up at the sides, she makes Scary Fingers, and then lowers both arms so the hands come near her chest. Pressure. It's the reverse of the Itsy-Bitsy Spider.
Rosanna keeps singing until they cut off the music. She keeps singing without music, looks at the window and sings, "I screwed it up!" Rosanna then brings both hands to the sides of her face and makes high-pitched wailing noises due to the "pressure." She then kind of prays for a second and then gets all calm and says, "Okay." She looks down and says, "God, I'm such a stress bucket." That, too, would have been a good band name.
They hit Narrator Sound Clip #206: "A new challenge is about to begin." We're told that the girls are about to have their first live performance. Sound Clip #509: "But there's a hitch."
Some guy in a suit sits on a table in a room with a television; presumably this room is where "decisions" are "made." He tells us "candidly" his "situation." His name is Brad Turell, and he's the Executive VP of Network Communications at The WB. "We have this great opportunity. The WB is holding press conferences in front of the three hundred top television critics in the country." Who are these people? ["And where the hell was Mighty Big TV's invitation?" -- niki] "And what I want to do is surprise them first thing in the morning with the first public appearance of the Popstars group. The only problem is, we only have twenty-four hours to get them ready." Brad uses the Clenched Inward Moving Hands of Support and the Outreaching Thumb of Care. He has no idea who these girls are. He called them "the Popstars group" for God's sake.
Cut to a rehearsal room, where the girls are singing in front of fake microphones again. It's Friday morning, according to the information on the screen. Travis is back, sassing it up. The narrator must be kidding: "Because TV critics are the toughest audience they could possibly perform in front of, this live performance will be crucial to the success of both the television show and the group. It's an incredible challenge since they didn't expect to have to perform live for six months. Now they must be ready in just one day." You know, I guess I'm a television critic, here at Mighty Big TV. And I suppose I am a pretty tough crowd. But, come on. Come. On. I can't stand this fake drama. Ivette has either a tattoo on her back or an unfortunate birthmark that hangs over her waistband. They introduce us again to Travis, and also his assistant Stacey. But again, the audio goes screwy on Stacy's name, so I bet she asked it to be changed to protect her career.
The screen says it's now one in the afternoon, and the narrator reminds us that this means the girls have been rehearsing for hours. They find out that they've been rehearsing to the wrong music. Travis sort of paces around trying to figure out what that means.
Travis is on the cell phone trying to convince someone that the girls have rehearsed just one song. St. Elmo has decided that it would be better for these girls to do a medley instead. That means they have to learn new choreography and be able to sing, like, four songs instead of just the one that they learned in these past six weeks. The scary music kicks in as the narrator reminds us that they now have less than twenty-four hours to learn their parts. Cue Sound Clip #83: "Eden's Crush faces another setback." Rosanna has lost her voice. Cut to Rosanna in the car drinking water. Cut to Rosanna saying, "I'll move around, but I don't think I can sing." Cut to Ivette in a rehearsal room saying that the song doesn't sound right now that Rosanna's not there. I think someone wants Rosanna's part. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
The narrator recaps everything again. We watch the girls rehearse the dance moves again.
Sad music kicks in as the narrator takes a serious tone: "Making matters worse, Rosanna has lost her voice." Rosanna tells us again she doesn't think she's going to be able to sing.
The girls move on without her, eager to snatch up her parts in the showcase. They're standing in front of Roger Love's piano doing vocal warm-ups. I guess this is all supposed to be the same day, but the girls have changed clothes. Nicole is wearing slippers with skunks on them. Roger asks if Rosanna has any voice at all. "No," someone says, before Ivette tries to be optimistic, saying Rosanna is getting better and will probably be able to sing tomorrow. "She's getting a shot," Ivette says. In a split screen we see the "doctor" examining Rosanna. Maile says she doesn't think Rosanna should sing until tomorrow. Roger says he wishes she were there, since she needs to rehearse.
Rosanna rubs her face and says, "Oh…shoot."
Back at Roger's piano, the girls are rehearsing the chorus to "You Know I Can." Maile is covering her ear with her hand so she doesn't have to hear Roger singing along with them. Ivette stops and says that something is missing. She says that the sound is going "like that." "Like That" is a hand motion where the fingers of both hands intertwine and shove downward. I don't know what it means, either. "It sounds rank," Ivette whines. Nicole keeps singing, knowing that she sounds just fine. Roger has Ivette and Ana Maria sing it again. Ana Maria is all loud and sassy, trying to take control of this chorus. They've got Ivette singing so low that it sounds like she's talking from the dead. Roger interrupts them and says he's looking for "more melody." You think?
So much for working on that. We cut to five in the afternoon, when the girls are driving in the pitch black to their rehearsal. I feel so sorry for the van driver. The girls just keep practicing their moves while seated in the van. They're singing and singing and singing. Rosanna just sits there, pouty.
The girls arrive at the venue and have to wear disguises. These are giant coats with hoods, bandanas around their mouths, and huge sunglasses. They look like they're about to rob someone. For some reason the editing department figured this would be a good place to test out the "stop-action" feature on the new mixer. Dumb.
The girls get undressed inside their trailer as Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that it looks like they're about to do some "crookedy business."
This is great. It's 6:30 PM. Narrator: "Safe inside the trailer, the girls are allowed to take off their disguises and eat." I love that these girls are only allowed to eat, like, once a day maybe. Nicole watches Ivette shove her face, but doesn't touch her tray of lasagna, knowing it's off-limits on the program. The narrator tells us that this time for eating, since it won't be spent putting actual food in any mouths, is the perfect time for the girls "to reflect." Rosanna says, "This feels so natural." She says this feels like what she's supposed to be doing. Sitting in a coat at a cold plate before a rehearsal for a show you might not even be able to do because you have no voice? You have low needs, Rosanna. Maile says she's stoked that she gets to sing. No one touches a bite of food as Ivette says they're all lucky to be there. Seriously. No one ate anything during that scene.
The girls are rehearsing in this tiny little space in the trailer. Rosanna has no problems singing. They mess up and giggle, and Nicole starts correcting Ivette on a move she's not doing correctly. "I know. I'm off," Ivette says to shut her up. Nicole acts all hurt, like she's just trying to help and Ivette's being a hurtful bitch. Maile just watches quietly. Rosanna is singing to herself in a corner. That's it, y'all. There's your catfight. We saw it last week. Where's the part of the episode where "the pressure" gets too intense for Ivette? Liars. I hate this show.
Ivette is laughing about the disguises they have to wear as we watch the girls walk to the venue in a split screen.
Now it's seven, and the girls are taking off their disguises inside the building. Since the audience isn't supposed to know who is in the group yet, the girls are going to be performing behind a scrim. They're also performing in spandex pants and tiny tops (sometimes just sport bras). Their hair is pulled back in French Twists and ponytails. That would have been a better band name. For some reason, "this adds to the frantic pace of the last-minute show," according to the narrator. I don't know how. The girls rehearse. We watch the light show on the screen.
St. Elmo shows up and hugs the girls. Travis watches. St. Elmo makes the girls practice one of their songs. He tells Ana Maria she's not hitting a note, but she's too busy smashing her hand against her face to hear him. The camera focuses on the girls' asses as St. Elmo makes them go through the song while staring at the scrim. St. Elmo looks at Roger Love, who is lost in emotion.
The girls are doing five different moves behind the scrim. The choreographer, who bears a striking resemblance to Courteney Cox, tells the girls that they're off in the beginning. In a split screen we watch the girls dancing behind the scrim. They look like five bald anorexic aliens leaning and swaying around. Ivette asks for clarification on a particular move, but it means nothing since it's all out of context and we have no idea what she's talking about. Nice use of film, there. The "rehearsal" segment ends with a strobe light sequence where the girls re-enact the video for "Express Yourself."
Again we're told the live performance is a few hours away, and that Rosanna's condition hasn't improved, even though we just heard her singing. The girls stand in front of the screen as we hear applause. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
Hey, wanna look like a big ol' whore? There's a Popstars makeover contest at TheWB.com. No talent or skills needed to apply. Obviously.
It's the morning. Crabby Maile gives a grimace to the camera. It is six in the morning, after all. Nicole is chipper. See? I hate the morning people. ["Word." -- niki] Ivette drinks a beverage and chats with Rosanna. We can't hear anything because the narrator is repeating that they have a performance soon. It's like every three seconds they recap in case someone just tuned in. Maile gets dressed and says she's drinking tea. Nicole says she can't find her makeup bag. She then finds it sitting right in front of her, right where she's walking. This is the kind of passion and drama that's keeping me home on Friday nights.
Rosanna's voice is just fine, of course, so she's wearing some blue Spandex pants to celebrate. I'm sorry, guys. This episode is really fucking boring. I don't have any other way to spice it up. Wait. Hold on.
Okay. I'm writing the rest of my recap with my shirt off. I figure it's in the spirit of things, and the least I could do for you guys. It's kinda cold in here, though. Rosanna stretches and says she feels really happy about having a voice.
Quick shots of the girls applying makeup. I guess since they're not going to be seen by anyone today, they can do their own makeup. But why put on makeup if no one is going to see their faces? I don't know. Something to do between fits of boredom, I guess.
In the van, Ana Maria takes a swig of water from Rosanna. Dumb. That girl just lost her voice. The girls were obviously just asked to talk to each other about the performance, because they start talking about being excited and how strange the whole screen thing is, like they've never discussed this before. Nicole says they look like Charlie's Angels behind the screen. Ivette agrees, excitedly. The narrator reminds us that there are only two hours left before the performance. That means it's time to rehearse in the van, which they do.
In their dressing rooms, the girls apply more makeup and do their hair. Roger Love shows up and asks if they can do vocal warm-ups while they get ready. They say they can. I take a moment to file my taxes. I almost weep from the excitement of a 1099. They dance again in the trailer.
The narrator says that security in the building is on high alert to protect the identity of the girls. High Alert means one black canvas is raised outside their door and someone holds a folder over the security camera as the girls walk past.
The narrator then tells us the five girls' names again and says their long hours spent rehearsing are about to pay off. We see the girls stand in front of the screen, but I think it's a "foreshadowing" clip.
Roger Love tells us that he gets just as nervous as the girls. Because he's waiting for one of them to break an ankle so he's in.
Oh, man. This is so lame. St. Elmo takes a seat at this piano in front of the screen. Such a sucker for the audience. He plays a couple of notes and then goes, "Are you there, girls?" They girls all coo back a hello. The lights come up behind them and they're in an orange light. "Charlie's Angels," St. Elmo says, trying to make the audience remember their love for Destiny's Child and to project it to these girls. St. Elmo asks the girls if they "remember" the "ballad" they were working on "with him" over the "last few days." They coyly say that they do.
Every once in a while we get a shot of five asses standing in a row. How that helps us, I don't know, except I can tell that Ivette is in the middle. She immediately fucks up and grabs the microphone when she starts singing, even though she was supposed to wait with her hands down at the beginning. In a split-screen, she tells us that this first performance was "so emotional." St. Elmo interrupts them at the end of the verse and actually says, "That's great, but I think we ought to take it up a little. Let's kick it up a little, okay?" So unrehearsed and smooth. Not obvious or hokey at all. That St. Elmo missed his true calling as a pop band piano player sidekick. The girls start strutting and grinding to "You Know I Can." As the camera pans across all of the girls' asses, Ana Maria explains in a split screen what it's like to be "nervous." It's really intense, people. Your heartbeat actually increases. I can't even imagine, since mine has slowed down to near-coma stats since this show started. The lights behind the girls keep changing focus and intensity, so that you're never sure who is singing, or if they're actually dancing, or if there are even live women behind that screen. It appears to be animatronics, really. Ivette is off on every move. Just a split second behind. If the hips are going to the left, hers are just coming back from the right. She turns too far out on the turns. Backstage, Travis is dancing along with them.
The split screen changes to one shot of the screen and one shot of their asses. Brilliant. The song changes and Maile has a solo moment. She also has a split-screen moment with us to say that since they were performing in front of an audience (she negates it by saying it's not a real audience -- ha), it was the most exciting thing they've done so far. This would probably be because Maile wasn't involved in the Viper Room audition show. At least there they could see people before they were cut. This third song is pretty bad. All of them are off on this wavy-arm movement, and no one is doing the same thing at the same time. Ivette just keeps on being a second late for every move, even when the rest are together. The choreography becomes a bit insulting, as the girls have to move their heads back and forth under prayer arms on the word "China" in "China Wall." Ivette split-screens to tell us it was like a roller coaster ride. She got on and went for the ride.
Saint Clare, the patron Saint of Television walks over to my computer. "I still miss Saint Clare II," she tells me. I tell her that I miss her, too, and really thought Young Americans would have been on in this time slot instead. Saint Clare immediately bites my wrist, sinking her tiny teeth deep to my watchband. "I will not be ignored!" she shouts through my flesh. I pick her up and stick her in the kitty litter box. She thanks me for taking her away from all of the pain.
The girls go into "Get Over Yourself," and the split screen is out of control. With the lights and the colors, it's difficult to watch the screen. Also, because I don't really care anymore. That's making it hard for me to pick my eyes up from my fingernails. Ivette sure likes to grab her own ass. I'm pretty sure these girls are pretending to sing behind this screen as they made a medley from the four recorded singles. I mean, why wouldn't they? Okay. I'll admit it. I kinda like the flash screen ending with the girls all moving around quickly. It was neat. Rosanna busts into a solo as she split-screens that she's really happy with the way things are right now. She's finally feeling like they might be a group and perhaps they're really doing something here. Rosanna says this is the happiest she's been and has to stop herself because she starts to cry. I start to cry too, but it's because I just heard the lyric, "I wanna feel just like Juliet." The girls sing as Rosanna tells us there's now a solidarity in the group that wasn't there before. Nicole tells us in a split screen that it was the first time "Me and the Girls," her name for the band, have been together. The girls do a little Boyz II Men action at the end all a capella, bringing it down. As moving as this lights-and-ass show has been, it didn't deserve the thunderous applause the editors have pasted here. I mean, really. These are television critics gathered for a press conference. For The WB. In the morning. Everyone's morning coke is wearing off and the valium hasn't kicked in yet. "That's Popstars!" St. Elmo shouts into the microphone as the episode finally ends. But in this recap, I get the last word. Not St. Elmo.
I'm not going to tell you what's supposed to happen week since it won't be in the fucking episode anyway. And even if it is, it'll be on all of the previews, and then in the little clip at the top of the show, and then in the teaser before the commercial, and then will be glossed over in the show. I've had it. Oh, man. The narrator ended the recap of the Making the Video show with: "The big rush for Eden's Crush." If I didn't love all of you so much, I'd quit right now.