According to The WB, "America" is talking about Eden's Crush's first single. Seeing as how when I tell people I recap Popstars and they look at me like I just told them I now sell limbs on the Internet, I had no idea "America" was so in the loop.
Previously on Popstars: the girls learned how to dance and sing in one day. This time they only get one day to make a video. Tomorrow, they'll only have one day to find crotchless shorts. Nicole will maybe pass out from the lack of food, but really she won't because that would possibly be interesting. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun complete with the extended dance remix of "Get Over This Show."
We open with Ana Maria lying on a bed telling us she's excited about making their first video. (Is it still called a "first" when it'll be the "only"? Just wondering.) Ivette gets all cracky-voiced serious and tells us she wants it to "be great." Rosanna squints and says she wants them to look "really hip." Well, with all of those different points of view, how will these girls ever get it together in time? Sorry. I'm just trying to create my own drama in this show now.
We watch the crew prepare the video set. Storyboards. The girls sit down at the production something-or-other as the narrator tells us this is just the first stop in an "endless day of meetings, fittings, and rehearsals." Travis is a co-director. He's worn his happy ski hat for today. We're told again that Travis worked with Madonna and Mandy Moore. The other director, Laura Kelly, did Rage Against the Machine's "Guerilla Radio" and Crazytown's "Butterfly." So, it's Laura Kelly that I hate so much for that stupid "Come, come my lady" Chili Peppers rip-off on constant rotation. Good. I needed to put a face to the anger. Travis and Laura sit at a table and pretend that the girls are going to have some sort of input. It's hilarious. They are basically telling the girls what they're going to do, but saying it in a way that the girls are supposed to think, "These people are all working just to make us happy! We're so special!"
The worst part is here they're going to explain the video bit-by-bit and then shoot the video bit-by-bit and then we're going to watch the video. I'm going to be recapping this stuff three times in a row. I hate it. Anyway, Travis explains that the video will open with this guy walking into this "raw space," which means an apartment. He's got the "newest latest DVD slash CD" technology. Wow. That boy is hip. "He puts it into a great big audio sound system." The girls all listen intently, shifting uncomfortably from the Brazilian waxing they all got first thing that morning. Travis continues and says that DVD boy's friends show up to watch the DVD with him. They then soon realize that all of the girls can see them sitting in their living room. Ivette squints like, "But they see the most, right? Because I need this to be all equal and everything." Rosanna tries to say something smart, but instead she says she loves all of the different "textures" and she thinks it's really "neat" how the whole thing "shifts" during the video.
The girls are given hair and makeup portfolios so that, again, they can pretend they have a say in how they're going to look. So tedious, pretending to keep these girls happy. Ivette hammers a pen into the desk and demands that whoever they hire to work with hair is able to work with "all kinds of hair." God, she's annoying, people. Why does she always think she's getting screwed? Ivettte continues to say that she wants to make sure that every person is getting equal time, "so that nobody's shafted." Since they don't have an answer for Ivette that she's going to like, and because they just want her to shut up, Travis shouts, "Y'all wanna see some guys?" Someone "woohoos" and Ivette's concerns and complaints are tossed out the window since it's time for boys! The girls pretend to pick out the five guys who will be used in the video. They hold up headshots, pretend to read résumés, and grab their own breasts in excitement. They do. Nicole complains that one of the guys is prettier than she is. Travis looks at us, rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He so crazy! The girls keep talking about the boys, kissing their pictures, breathing heavy, wasting our time.
Cut to the rehearsal studio, where the girls are all crawling on their knees, rubbing their own chests while thrusting their crotches into the air, rolling their heads around in ecstasy. The narrator calls this a "dance rehearsal." The narrator says that this dance rehearsal is also the one that requires "the most energy." Ha. Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that she doesn't have as much "experience" as the rest of the girls, so she's nervous. Wait. When did she become the inexperienced one? Oh. Maybe she's referring to grinding on the ground like a sloppy whore. Well. I don't know. I remember your first audition, Ana Maria. You knew what those bony hips were for back then. The narrator tells us that the girls are having to "painstakingly perfect" their moves. This requires Travis to crawl on the ground with them, which was worth the thirty minutes for me.
The narrator says all of this has "taken its toll," and the music gets all somber. Travis says that this has all been "a handful." Nicole whines that she's tired and hasn't been getting any sleep. She hasn't had time to breathe. She says it's hard to pose and control herself. Travis gives a pep talk and tells them that it's time for them to be "hot" and "kick the doors open" so that people know who the hell Eden's Crush is, since no one is watching Popstars.
It's the crack of dawn the day and we watch the girls grumble around in their beds, whining to be left alone. Then they remember that they have a video to shoot and suddenly they are all covered in makeup, showered, shaved, dressed, and happy to be alive. As a sidenote, it may look like I'm just glossing over this recap or only giving you the basic parts of each scene, but I'm not. This is just how it happens. Boom, boom, boom, shot, shot, shot. Nothing interesting happens, there's no real conflict, there's nothing there. Just didn't want you to think I'd given up on you.
The girls are in the van on their way to the studio. "Today we get to work with boys!" Rosanna sasses. They don't seem to need the full cover-up disguises anymore. Maile and Rosanna are both talking to the camera at the same time, so I can't figure out what's going on. Rosanna is going on about how she finally gets to see someone in her age range. That's all I can make out. Then all of the girls are talking but they all have the same range, so I don't know who is saying what. Then Ivette gets all loud and says with a yawn that they're all really tired. Rosanna turns to Ana Maria, whose head is wrapped in a towel, to say, "By the way, your hair looks really good."
Cue Narrator Sound Cue #496: "The clock is ticking." The girls enter the studio and see their video set for the first time. This is supposed to be some "monumental" thing where the girls realize for the first time that they're actually going to make an actual video with an actual song they recorded.
"May I...get naked? On The WB?" That's right, Maile. You earn your screen time. In the highest-rated three seconds in Popstars history, Maile not only doesn't get naked on The WB, but no one even comes close to being naked. They're in Wardrobe, pretending they get to choose what they want to wear. Oh, God! This narrator! "It's a makeover fantasy as the girls are primped, pampered, and transformed into the first of three different looks." Maile and Rosanna pretend to be giving us a "backstage look" at the makeup room. Maile tells us that it's freezing. Like she doesn't know this is for full nipple effect in the clothes.
Ivette is stoked about some extensions they are making for her hair. She says she'll look like Rapunzel.
Someone put Rosanna in one ugly-ass wig. And then they threw ugly-ass blue square sunglasses on her. She should sue everyone. Maile reminds us that this is the place where they get "pretty." Everyone except Rosanna. More makeup. Makeup. Makeup.
Maile takes us to the "just for shoes room," where there are thousands of shoes. Could this possibly be more boring? Just wondering. Maile shows us how one pair of shoes could make her two inches taller. That's modern science for you.
Rosanna shows us an ugly purple shiny thing she wants to wear, but it's too small for her. Someone's not sticking to her diet! Rosanna and Maile then wave "bye!" closing our breathtaking backstage tour.
Makeup. Makeup. Makeup. Someone drops the camera.
Some woman says they want to bring out "a couple of sides from the girls." Ana Maria looks into a camcorder, tells us this is "a whole new experience," and then says hello to someone off-camera. The woman tells us that they are going to "go for personality."
Rosanna struts in a hallway in a robe. She's got red streaks through her hair. Whoever is holding the camera is doing a dumb photographer voice, calling her "darling."
Back in her ever-present Stupid Hat, Nicole holds a plate of food and tells us, "Now I'm eating a ravioli! That's not on the diet!" What a fucking rebel.
Ivette flashes the mini-halter that all of the girls are going to have to wear. It's shaped like a butterfly. Ana Maria looks over and thinks, "Well, I'll look better in it than she does, but it's still a pretty skanky outfit."
Have you caught your breath yet? Me neither! The excitement is never going to stop! Now it's Ivette's turn for her Slut Solo. She stands in front of a fan in the middle of the stage, ready to churn, grind, lust, and thrust her way into America's horny heart. Some woman pulls the tops of Ivettes breasts out of the halter so they hang just above the fabric. Ivette pets her vagina as Travis shouts off-stage, "You look great!" Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us to what I think is the first fucking commercial break.
I think The WB has finally realized the true demographic for this show. There are now ads for Barbie knock-off dolls for all the twelve-year-old girls who want to be Britney knock-off skanks.
I keep thinking these ads for Remifemin are fake. They really aren't, are they? I mean, really. "I'm a Remifeminist?" I wish companies would make me stop hating being a woman.
Oh, thank Christ. We're back. I was almost awake. Cue Narrator Sound Cue #491: "Making a music video is a crucial step for Eden's Crush. No matter how good the album is, the video is the best way to make a great first impression." No matter how good the album is. That narrator. He funny.
Ivette is on the floor with her legs tucked around her as Travis tells her, "Think...dancer mixed with like, regular girl. But model-y girl." We call that the "Girl Door Stripper," Trav. Ivette lip-syncs and grinds around as she tells us in a split-screen that she had to "improvise" all of these moves. She says it was really nerve-wracking because she was all by herself. "And I didn't own the movement. I didn't own it." As we watch Ivette not own anything including the clothes and hair she's wearing, Ivette tells us that she then snapped and realized what she had to do. She says the second take was like "night and day."
We watch Travis and the girls watch the film they just shot of Ivette. Travis is moaning. The girls cheer and clap when Ivette finally starts to masturbate on film. Ivette calls it a "great accomplishment." Maile hugs her. Travis laughs and shouts, "Woo!"
Rosanna is . The narrator reminds us that Rosanna isn't so confident about her singing. Not that it matters when you're making a video. Wow. They have skanked the shit out of Rosanna. She looks like a man. Travis enthuses, "I can't even take it. You look so good right now." And with Travis's approval, I don't need any further proof that Rosanna looks just like a drag queen. Travis tells her to just do her own thing up there.
So, Rosanna's doing her own slut groove on the set while she's crying to us in a split-screen that she used to think she didn't belong in the group, but once she didn't have to sing and only had to grind around lip-synching, she knew that she was qualified to be in Eden's Crush.
The narrator tells us that it took hours to get to Nicole's solo, but "in take after take she performs like a pro." And that doesn't sound like she's shooting porn at all, does it? Nicole grabs herself, touches herself, squeezes herself, and rocks herself while she tells us in a split-screen that you have to get up there, let yourself go, and do what feels good. Nicole holds and squeezes her breasts one at a time as Travis cheers off-camera. Then craziness ensues. Nicole thrusts too hard and the heel pops off one of her shoes. She doesn't fall; just hops off and they need to get her new shoes. That, people, is the biggest drama on this week's episode. It'd be one thing if this was good stuff to masturbate to, but the girls are too vacant and too boring to be sexy, and it'd be another if these were dumb boys with their shirts off, but they aren't, so this is just dumb, not naked, not sexy, not entertaining girls grinding around to the same song over and over again.
"For Ana Maria, it may be a case of having too much fun." Ana Maria is holding herself, grinding on the ground. She's on her back, thrusting into an imaginary boy. Oh, Lord. I think her right titty has popped out. We cut to Ana Maria pretending to be sultry as they fix her halter. She done fucked it broke. She's very proud of herself. "I'm a little too wild. Popped a strap! A wild child!"
Maile thrusts around. Maile also tells us that it's nerve-wracking to dance without anyone else. These girls have been getting lessons from the narrator. She says that after the first take she knew what she had to do. She had to let her body go a little bit and do what feels good. Why do we have to hear everything five times?
That's it. I'm getting some wine. These girls have led me to drink. Wait. Okay. I'm also going to take off my pants. I've put on a thong, and I'm sitting on this cold-ass vinyl couch, which sends shivers up my spine, making my nipples nice and perky. I'm just sitting back, all by myself, with no one to talk dirty to me. I'm sitting here, thinking of you, wishing you were right here with your tongue in my ear. There. Now maybe I've put some fucking action into at least this recap, since the show isn't going to do it.
The girls are getting ready for the shot. Travis says they've been told they are behind, but he figures as long as he gets the girls into some new clothes, he's doing just fine.
Makeup and clothing montage. The girls are getting ready for the "fantasy sequence with the boys." They have put Rosanna in the ugliest outfit I've ever seen. Besides the ugly wig, she's got a huge flower on her shoulder and gold lame pants. Maile is concerned that her nipples are going to show. Now. Now she's worried about that. Ivette breaks down into giggles for some reason. Nicole is on some serious Valium.
One of the "boys" is telling us, "Wait till you see them. You're gonna love them. You're gonna fall in love with them." I have no idea who he's talking about. The girls take pictures with the boys. Travis gives the camera a look and we move onto the set.
Ivette is first again, so she can't possibly know if she's going to be featured as much as the other girls. Ivette hollers for makeup and shouts that she needs gloss. Then she laughs and tells us she's kidding, and that she's "totally not high-maintenance." She then looks back at the set for about three seconds and then turns to us nervously and asks, "But do I need makeup?" Cut to Ivette getting more gloss painted on her lips.
Ivette rehearses slutting on a boy. Everyone is happy. As they do the shot, Ivette explains in a split-screen that she's supposed to be this boy's fantasy, and in this scene he's fantasizing that she's in the room.
In a split-screen we see two shots of Ana Maria crawling up to the boy who fantasizes about her. The fan is on "Super High." Travis says she's beautiful. Ana Maria looks surprised.
Sitting on a chair all alone, Nicole takes a moment to shove some of her stomach into her halter and pull the small amount of material even lower down her chest. She lies on some boy's chest. She doesn't even move. Just takes a little nap. A totally drugged-out Nicole tells us that it's so cool that she's actually doing a real video.
Maile hugs her Christian Slater look-alike and says that she eventually started having fun. She complains about her fish lips when she's blowing the fake boy a fake kiss. Someone drugged these girls up good.
Rosanna really should sue someone. She crawls ass-up over to her boy. She tells us she was a little shocked at how disgusting she looks. At least she knows. Oh, she said "seductive." Oh. My bad. Travis points at her and says, "That's you." "That's rated PG-thirteen, thirteen, thirteen!" Rosanna shrills, but I have no idea what that means. Like triple X? Whatever. The director stands behind Travis in a full parka and wool hood, so you know they've got the temperature set to ten below nipples in there.
The girls move to the third set, which looks like a fuzzy MTV set. Ivette jokes that this is just like a regular slumber party where girls stay up all night in makeup and expensive clothes to act sexy until sleep takes over. "They still look really good for 3 AM," Travis tells us.
We watch Maile, Ana Maria, and Rosanna look at the camera as Travis barks out orders. Ana Maria acts like she's seen an ex-boyfriend. Maile has to act like some guy she sees is really hot. I decide to pick a scab on my thigh. It almost shoots me with a small amount of satisfaction.
The girls have no choice but to fake a pillow fight on the set, so they do. The narrator tells us that they are still in "good spirits." No, honey, they're on good spirits.
Ana Maria tells us that the video is the best because they don't have to worry about anything and they can just have fun.
The girls have been ultra-slutted for the shot. Nicole is in chains and a dog collar. The girls wear pants tight enough that I can count the eggs frozen inside their ovaries. The girls play Stripper again and sex around a hallway. Ivette pouts in a halter-top and short shorts. Ana Maria spreads her legs often. Maile looks like she escaped from The Lion King. Nicole does the splits. Because it's necessary, people. The crotch on the girls goes up and down, up and down, up and down. The crotch on the girls go up and down, all the video long. The thighs on the girls go in and out, in and out, in and out. The thighs on the girls go in and out, all the video long. The tongue on the girls goes round and round, round and round, round and round. Shoot me. Someone shoot me. I feel like a perv searching for kiddie porn.
The girls have one shot left-- the group shot. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us to commercial with the promise of seeing the group's video darn soon.
It's four in the morning. The girls are preparing for the final shot, which is the group dance number. As the girls dance, Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that she imagines herself already on television. Nicole says she took a step back and started to cry. She was that amazed. And she was also starting to come down from all the speed in the "diet program." Ivette says her grandmother is proud of her. This must be because her grandmother is the only one with eyesight poor enough to still have some respect for her. Rosanna's crying again. Maile says she's just now realizing she's making a video.
The sleepy girls are driven home in the van, still covered in makeup. Shh. Sleep, precious whores, sleep.
Quick flashy star takes us to the girls announcing, "We're Eden's Crush." They introduce their first video.
Here we go. A boy walks into his apartment, looking confused. It's as if he's been sent something in the mail, like he forgot to send back a Columbia House postcard and now he's been sent some crap-ass DVD he has to watch.
The song starts and the girls are swaying to a blue background. Confused Boy puts the CD/DVD into some sort of player. One girl dances in blue. Then another. We get a shot of the cover art for Eden's Crush's first single. Always with the product placement. The boy now finally starts the CD up with his remote, even though we've been watching it for a few clips already.
Nicole starts singing the first verse. The girls are all turned in different directions, but Ivette's staring right at the camera, thrusting her hips to an off beat. Someone strokes her own thigh. Nicole gives a druggy look to the camera. Overhead shot. Nicole strokes her own breasts. The boy raises an eyebrow.
Ana Maria rocks on her hips and touches her hair. Her name appears beside her.
Rosanna struts to the left. Her name appears beside her.
Nicole looks down at her breasts and tries to wiggle them. It goes so poorly that the camera doesn't bother to show it. The girls keep dancing as the boys start high-fiving each other as they sit in front of the television. They keep grooving and imitating the girls' moves.
Ivette loves her own ass. She stands with her back turned and shoves her fingers under the hem of her shorts and pulls on her ass cheek.
More group dancing. The boys watch. There's some fiber optic fantasy work here where we go just like Sliders through the living room into the studio where the girls are now watching the boys in their living room. One guy is making fun of their dancing, swirling around, shaking his ass, smacking it. Another boy pulls him out of the way. The girls are all pulling on their own lips in ecstasy, but they dance on.
Ana Maria gets to have her own close-up because she's actually quite pretty when they aren't whoring her up. As she goes into the second verse, Ivette breaks away from the pack to slap her own ass. She's supposed to be pretending to make fun of that boy, but really she just likes to slap her own ass. The boys all lean back simultaneously at the sight of Ivette's ass, because that's good comedy. The girls act like they can cover parts of their body and hide from the boys.
Ivette sits on her knees at an angle, thrusts her hips and rubs herself until her name appears beside her.
The girls somehow move to the slumber party room, where they can still see the boys in their own living room. I think. Maybe it's a different room for them, too. The boys are asking the girls to bring it. The girls are all giggles. Ana Maria gets a close-up.
Ana Maria's tummy. Rosanna's on the ground. Everyone's crotches. Ivette and Nicole's breasts. Maile's chest. Hips. Hips. Crotches. Hips. A guy lifts his shirt and shows his stomach. Ana Maria is in shock.
Asses. Asses. Pillow fight. Asses. Ana Maria spins three times on the ground. Maile's chest. The inside of Rosanna's thigh as she's squatting. Maile touches her own crotch as her name appears beside her.
Pillow fighting. Hair flipping. Group "dance" bit. Ivette winks in a close-up. Inside of Rosanna's ass as she kicks on the ground. More grinding and giggling. One boy gets a close-up as he fixes his eyebrows and winks. Ivette gets a close-up to awkwardly mouth, "Look at him!"
Nicole grabs both of her breasts at the same time. Maile gets a close-up and shows off her kinda lazy eyes. Ivette stands with her ass shoved way out so we can see inside both of her cheeks as Maile rubs herself.
Nicole is still rubbing all over herself. The boys are cheering it on. Maile's breasts are about to fall out of her halter.
One boy gets a close-up, acts like Puff Daddy, and Maile responds by licking her teeth.
All girls are on their knees, flipping their heads around with their legs spread open, clutching at themselves. Nicole keeps time by slapping herself in the crotch.
The images come faster and faster, so all I can make out are lips, hips, tits, and hair. Nicole grabs both her breasts and juts her ass back as her name appears beside her. Rosanna touches herself as she rolls on the ground. Nicole hikes both of her breasts into the air with her hands.
Double shot of Ivette leaning back and forward alternately, legs spread and thighs shoved in our faces. Tits. Thighs. Stomach. Ana Maria grabs herself. Ana Maria pushes herself upside down with her legs. Nicole makes sure we can see her breasts. Ivette leans over for a cleavage shot. Rosanna grabs herself.
Group dance shot is just focused on the strings of the halter-tops. The girls are off in their moves, and don't fall to the ground at the same time. The boys keep watching. The girls walk forward while grinding and touching themselves. They slide their hands down their asses. The boys keep dancing as the girls are writhing on the ground, tits stuck to the glass floor.
The girls all individually walk up to each of their boys, but we've already seen these shots. Ivette's trying to make herself some cleavage.
Nicole is bent backwards, touching her own crotch. Cut to her singing to us, rubbing her own crotch. It helps her hit the high notes. I put all of my clothes back on, because clearly the porn is already taken care of for me. Rosanna slowly walks away with her ass pushed up for the camera. Ivette gets another close-up. Titties. Titties. Ass. Hips. Skin. Skin. Hair. Lips. Legs. Titties. Legs. Tongue. Ana Maria gets a close up. Girls on the floor, acting like they're too full of orgasmic bliss to do anything other than wiggle and moan. The girls walk forward. The boys lean forward in interest. Ivette holds up a remote and shuts off the video.
week the girls have a photo shoot for the cover of their single. The girls are tired and get their hair pulled, so the narrator busts out the word "grueling." Ivette thinks she's not pretty enough for the skank clothes they've got her in and she's complaining that she's gonna look fat. Some guy tells her that she's gorgeous, and her thoughts are all in her head. "I know," she smiles. Somehow, they manage to pull it together and stand still for photographers. Those girls are fucking heroes. There's a chance that the girls are going to fight over the contact sheets, trying to settle on one picture that best represents them. But the thing is, we already know we won't see any fighting, and whatever picture they pick isn't one that they came up with on their own, because they have no say in the matter anyway. And we've already seen which picture they go with because it's in the video we just watched, so obviously this stuff is all out of order anyway. God. I hate this show.