Aw, yeah, people. We're back and it's week two. That means it's the day of the callbacks.
Previously on Popstars: Girls were nervous around the country. Lots of girls show lots of skin while ripping our ears to shreds. We're treated to the four-screen of fun, showing us clips we missed last week of girls pulling their legs over their heads, screaming to the gods, and crying. I wish we had seen those last week. Shiny Happy Kelley holds her hands. Hip-shaking, eye-twitching, finger-pointing fun is shown. One girl we never met cheers and punches both fists into the air. The voice-over tells us how the auditions went last week, and we see Margaux "Who? Oh, the Christian Singer, But the Other One" Yap singing "How Do I Live" again. Triple screens of girls singing. Garland "Fashion Whore" Gerber shows her boots. Girls dance and cheer. Karen "Think Pop Star" Perez cries because she got a callback. Tiffinni "Hatchet Face" Ranae cheers her green spandex right off my screen. Shaunda "The Diaphragm" Johnson hits the high notes and gets the standing ovation. The narrator reminds us of the nerves. We see poor JaunepiaMariah trying to sing beyond her eyeshadow, but just can't. The narrator reminds us of the disappointment. We see poor unemployed Angeline "My Mom's Gonna Kill Me" Murphy lower her head in disappointment and then cut to Erika "My Mom Is Killing Me" Occhipinti and scary StageMother telling us how shocked she is that her daughter isn't going to be the Ginger Spice. "When Day One was over, two hundred and thirty-nine girls were asked to return," the narrator tells us. So, this should be an easy half-hour, right? RIGHT? "In just five short weeks that number will be reduced to five." Then we see the concert footage again of the crowd going wild for the backs of five girls.
Tiny Star of Hope. "Tonight, the competition continues." We see girls walking into a room, by themselves, standing before the judges' table. Some we recognize, some we've never seen before. They're going to have to be interviewed and then (help us all) sing another song. Two hundred and fifty girls flip by the screen, all with their mouths wide open and their arms flapping around in emotion. The sound of the "crowd" gets louder as the narrator builds the "tension" and says that we're about to watch the callbacks. My cat has an epileptic fit right as the last girl in a pink halter top starts screeching, "Oh, my God!"
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. This time it's slowed down, so we can start to recognize some of the girls in the squares. The logo. I love it.
We cut right to a close-up on a girl. "Just breathe. That's all I can do." I hope she's saying she's trying to calm down, because if "Just Breathe" is on the list for today's earmares, I'm quitting right now. "Day Two," the narrator starts. "For most of the girls, the euphoria of getting this far has been long forgotten." Yeah, sort of like the euphoria of getting the pilot recapped. Girls sing to themselves, rub their jaws, and open their shirts wider. One girl fans herself with her number as Hyphentwin Jaymes tells us, "They have to want it so bad that they're gonna give up their entire life [sic] and have no fun for the two years to be doing what we need them to be doing and it's very, very hard work." All the ladies, hating Jaymes-y, throw your hands up at me. A blonde wearing a fractal shirt tells us that it's more stressful this time. Another girl tells someone off-camera that she doesn't know why she's crying: "Maybe just 'cause I've been working so hard." "The pressure is intense," the narrator says, as we get close-ups on two "intense" girls we've never seen before. A woman stands before some girls and says, "They're going to narrow it down to less than half of you." Quick edit of girls looking nervous. "It's a -- it is a big deal." A girl that looks an awful lot like a boy squats down on a rug and puts her fingers in her ears. Another girl leans over and puts her head in her hands. Poor thing. Her one moment on television, and we can only see her hair. A girl in an incredibly ugly blue tube top gives us a scary face. She points at herself and then mimes getting her head chopped off. Behind her a girl is warming up. Blue Tube points at the singing girl, and mouths to us, "She's good," and then gives a thumbs-up. The "good" girl whips around and looks at Blue Tube. I hope she remembers to tell the judges that she has eyes in the back of her head. That might come in handy for the dance section of the audition.
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. We see more shots of girls auditioning, as we're told again that the callbacks were held in six cities. Tiny Fun Stars introduce Travis and the Hyphentwins again. We see girls standing in front of them, singing. We're told that the judges are listening for the strength, range, and tone of the girls' voices to see if they will blend with the mold they have in mind for the five girls. And of course, they're looking for the power of their titties. For a second we see the Ikette Daughter, and this time she's got on a yellow visor, with her hair pulled in two pigtails on top of her head. That girl is nuts. Jaymes tells us that they really have to see if these girls have what it takes to be a Popstar.
Let's make with the callbacks, folks.
Yvellisa (Eva-LEESA) Munoz, twenty-three, dancer, Miami. Outside the audition room she's singing and dancing around with one of the Scarytwins. Lots of girls are singing "I'm Every Woman" together. The narrator tells us that she's confident outside, but inside she's terrified. Yvellisa is the first to audition today. As she walks into the room she makes the sign of the cross. In a split screen, we see her tell herself to breathe, cross her eyes, and look at the ceiling, and repeat, "The pressure," a few times. She does a breathing exercise and cocks an eyebrow. "What are you gonna sing today?" Jaymes asks her. "Genie In A Bottle." I'm so glad this show is ruining Christina Aguilera's entire body of work for me. There are so few things in this world that I truly enjoy. Now there's one less. Yvellisa is wearing her audition best -- a zebra-print halter top, black pants and three belly chains. Yvellisa starts singing, but sings the last line of the song first, so when she starts to sing again, she's totally lost, touches her breasts, looks at the ceiling and then hears Travis say, "Thank you." She tosses her hips and thanks him back.
Double-screen action. In the top square, the judges are talking. In the bottom square, Yvellisa is standing with her back turned, presumably out of earshot. Jaymes says, "I'm not seeing anything...exceptional." Travis says he wishes her voice was stronger. "I think she's really pretty on camera," he says, and Jaymes agrees. "I don't see anything that strong here," Jennifer bellies-up to say. It's okay for her to talk here, since she's just agreeing with Jaymes. As Jennifer says she doesn't really want to bring Yvellisa back, Jaymes keeps interrupting to make agreement noises. Travis turns to Yvellisa and tells her that they have to let her go, "simply because [they] need to have a stronger vocalist." Oh, it's just that little, simple thing. Just the fact that she can't sing. It's a shame when you're only missing one little part of the entire Popstar equation. Yvellisa closes her eyes and groans, "I was actually gonna go higher. Ugh." For some reason they keep talking to her, and instead of saying, "Perhaps you should have picked a song that was in a higher range and that you knew the words to. !" they let her keep going on. "Yeah, I was, I was. I was actually gonna go higher, but I wasn't, I didn't know what my time frame was going to be. And, I do have the ability. I honestly do. If I can..." Something has happened to Yvellisa, and I do think that perhaps her fake eyelashes have stuck together, because she's unable to open her eyes when she speaks. Jennifer says it doesn't matter how high she can go. "It's really just based on have [sic] the strength," Jennifer says. Travis interrupts to say, "And the control." And Jaymes twists the knife with, "And the ability," which is exactly what the girl said she had. A heart. A home. Da neyrve. They thank her for coming and congratulate her on getting that far. We split-screen to Yvellisa walking away as Jaymes tells us, "The fact that she wanted it that bad [sic], I know that she would have worked really, really hard. But, she just doesn't have the goods." We see the second screen fill with Yvellisa crying on someone's shoulder as Jaymes continues: "Girls like that will find a path. They'll find another situation because they have that drive." Like stripping. Or porn. The screen fills with Yvellisa raising her head, saying, "I've been waiting for this all my life. All my life. All my life."
The screen whips by and makes the noise signifying Reading Rainbow changing scenes to start another book review.
Kerrie Roberts, nineteen, Miami. She's the one with the good voice, but the mousy looks. I believe in the last recap I said she was "workable." She's singing "Unbreak My Heart," and doesn't care how Toni Braxton originally sang it. Someone grabbed her and tried to thwart her callback by applying purple eyeshadow to Kerrie's face right before she went in. One eye is much more purple than the other. The narrator tells us that Kerrie's been singing in her church choir her entire life. Kerrie goes up and down the scales on the word "heart" twelve times. It's quite impressive. "Great," Jaymes drones as Kerrie finishes. Jaymes carefully steps around this question: "Do you have aspirations to be in...um, a Christian music business [sic] or in the Pop Music business?" Kerrie is smart and says she'd like to do both, ultimately. Kerrie smells a crossover hit. "I think that being, like, in the Christian Industry is something I would eventually want to get to." I know these people are nervous, but what is happening to the English language, here? Kerrie stands in the soundproof star on the floor as the judges start talking about her. Jennifer says she likes her a lot. Check out what Jaymes is saying to the two of them at the same time: "She can definitely sing. With a makeover. She needs a major makeover." Jaymes says that Kerrie has a "Mary Lou Retton" smile. I think she means "hair." Travis says she has a fresh look. They invite her back, all by interrupting each other, to tell her that they want to see her dance. "And see how that goes," Jaymes smiles through her teeth.
Outside, the Scarytwins (I think both of them came to the callback) hang around Karrie's neck as she tells us in a split screen that she's not going to "get nuts about it," and that she's not going to call anyone and tell them about it. She's excited, and going to take it one day at a time, and then she says other clichés that you say after you win a medal.
Reading Rainbow screen swipe.
Alexis Brown, nineteen, New York City. We've never seen this girl before. I don't really like her, for some reason. Oh, I know what it is. The polka-dot scarf. Yeah, I knew it was something. The narrator tells us the unique twist in Alexis's story: apparently she's wanted to be a singer her entire life, and she's hoping Popstars will be the ticket to her success. Gosh, I hope she gets it. She's the one with the lifelong dream, people! The rest of these girls just got randomly pulled off the street. Alexis starts singing, snapping around and pointing at herself as she stretches her face around, "I'm Every Woman." She snaps again and then does a little spin.
Cut to the judges rehashing, as Alexis stands in the Secret Star and cries. Jaymes says she was hoping to see something a little "poppier." Jaymes, if that girl was acting any more "poppy" she'd be filled with opium. But Jaymes then adds on the "youthful." This is because "nineteen-year-old" "Alexis" is clearly twenty-eight. "We should bring her back, 'cause she's cool," Jaymes says from completely out of nowhere. Travis and Jaymes look at Jennifer and with the way it's edited, it looks like Jennifer finally realizes she has no say in the matter and just stands up and walks away. Awesome.
Alexis moves back to the center star. "You'd better not cry," Travis says to her. "I'm not," Alexis lies. She starts crying so Jaymes asks all snotty, "Is this your first audition?" Alexis says it is. "Had you planned to pursue your singing?" Jaymes asks with a shake of her head. "Yes!" Alexis sobs. "This is my dream!" she says with Two Fists of Tears. She says she can't stop crying. "That's okay!" Travis laughs. She says she's out in New York on her own, and that she just moved there from Rhode Island. She doesn't know anyone out there to support her. They call her back. Alexis rejoices. I'm pretty sure Alexis Rejoices is also a porn title.
Outside the audition room, surrounded in the Blue Screen of Popstars Fun, Alexis is still crying. Jaymes tells Travis she thinks Alexis is cute. Jennifer says she loves seeing people react that way. The others agree and say they prefer it when people are excited to get a callback because they know they won't take it for granted. Translation: "We love it when they kiss our asses and remind us that we do have a little bit of power."
Alexis is still crying outside and they have an unattractive camera angle on her as she says she's now one step closer to her dream.
We see girls stretch and flip their hair as the voice-over continues: "While the girls wait to audition, they do whatever they can to prepare themselves." We watch a girl write the lyrics of her song on the palm of her hand. "That's confidence," she tells us, while winking and blowing us a kiss. Another girl is deep into some facial warm-ups.
Travis's face fills the screen: "I think the process is just getting...you know...["Tougher," Jaymes interrupts]...more intense."
A girl walks towards us and sighs. "Oh, well. Maybe somebody else will like my voice a whole lot better than they did."
Travis again: "They're realizing that this could become a reality for them."
Shiny Happy Kelley jumps up and down and screeches. I guess she got a callback.
Reading Rainbow swipe. Yeni Russell, twenty-four, receptionist, Miami. "Genie In A Bottle." The narrator tells us that Yeni is confident about her chances of making it as a Popstar. We cut from Yeni singing to the judges looking through Yeni's paperwork. Jaymes says they aren't as prepared as they'd like to be. Jennifer snottily asks if there's anything they wanted to ask her anyway. "Perhaps not," Jaymes says. Travis thanks Yeni for her time. Yeni and her neon blue patchwork halter top have been given the boot, but they aren't leaving the center star just yet. "I just want to know for my critique, my own self, what was it that I was lacking?" Leave it to Jaymes, "I think the style and the tone of your voice. I think you sing really well." Then there's an edit, and Jaymes comes back into focus. "But, um, we have a particular blend in mind vocally that we're looking for." Yeni nods and says, "Okay," but her face clearly says, "Whatever, Bitch."
Reading Rainbow swipe. Flashback to Baby Norman, screwing up "What A Girl Wants" big-time in yesterday's initial audition. We're reminded that she's the only member of her girl group that was called back. Today Baby's still wearing leather pants, but she's wearing a blue glittery tube top today. Oh, she still wore that bad voice and decided to use Christina as her weapon of choice again. She sings "Genie In A Bottle" in a way that's never been done before, with random notes and words. She also tosses her body around and points and slithers around. "Your dancing is spot on," Jaymes has the audacity to say. Oh, they call her back! No! Baby points at them and thanks them. I don't believe it.
Reading Rainbow swipe. We see a flashback of Karen Perez singing "How Do I Live" again, and the voice-over reminds us that Karen was a good singer, but her older, heavy-set frame made her the least favorite of all the people Jaymes hates. As Karen walks into the center star as the voice-over says, "Today she'll have to do it again or say goodbye." Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us to commercial.
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. "Day Two continues," we're told. Girls in braids sing "I'm Every Woman" together. A blonde says she thinks she pulled a muscle. We're reminded of the pressure to succeed. A redhead holds her chin. The girl in the scary blue tank top that told us she sucked is upset because she didn't get called back. She leaves in tears. Some random girl is very serious as she tells us, "When it comes down to it, that's it. Competition."
Reading Rainbow swipe. Karen Perez flashback again. She cries after her callback. They show Karen outside the audition room with two friends that have come along to support her. They are all laughs and nervousness. Karen has dressed up even more for this day. Her friend in yellow tells her that she's worked really hard for this day for a long time.
Oh, no. Karen has chosen "Genie In A Bottle." Listen, I used to have to sing this song every night for a sketch I did. It's a hard song. It's harder than "What A Girl Wants." Christina is up and down and all around on that song. ["Oh, it's not that hard." -- Wing Chun] ["Yes, it is." -- Wing Chun] Karen also isn't much with the rhythm, so her snaps are off when she sings. She just sorta bunches her shoulders. Why not "I'm Every Woman," Karen? Why? Outside the door, her friends are listening through the crack. One woman covers her face to stop the tears. "She sounds great," she gushes.
Travis asks Karen to stand in the Silence Star. Outside, Karen's friends nervously stand to a woman dressed like a Slim Jim. Jennifer says that Karen's performance today wasn't as good as yesterday's. Jaymes agrees, and Travis tells Karen they aren't having her back. Outside, Karen hugs her friends as the narrator tells us, "It's a tough break, but Karen has her friends to see her through."
Reading Rainbow swipe. Ivette "What Would I Lee-Bee" Sosa, who barely remembered her song last time, is back to sing again. We're reminded that Jaymes told all the girls to learn the twelve seconds of the song they're going to sing. Ivette comes Cabaret-ing out with "I'm Every Woman." Crazy lip gloss. She looks at the camera as she dances her tiny top off. She winks. She flirts. I can't stand her.
"These girls sing so dramatic [sic]. It's driving me crazy," Jaymes complains to the others. Uh, Jaymes? Have you ever seen Christina Aguilera? That girl's hand flaps around more than a drowning swan. They invite Ivette back, due to some sort of "fire" that Travis saw, and Ivette almost wiggles right out of her Abercrombie and Fitch mini-tee. Travis gives Ivette a look and says, "Well, you were about to curtsey. Go ahead and curtsey." Ivette does. They all clap and agree she's "cute" and "adorable" as Ivette tells everyone outside that she got called back. That's all you need, girls. "Cute," and "adorable." Unless you're fat, and then you need "ability." Or if you're ugly, then you need "a voice."
Reading Rainbow swipe. Shaunda "I'm the Best Singer So Far" Johnson, twenty-two, is wearing the wrong outfit for any decade, ever. Wait, now they say she's "Shaunda Johnston," not "Johnson." Of all the names they can't figure out how to spell on this show, it's "Johnston" they're screwing up? Anyway, Shanda's got on a crazy tie-dyed halter and some puffy warm-up pants. She's singing a song I haven't heard any of the other girls sing. "This Kiss," or something like that. It also has the word "Unstoppable" repeated about three times. ["That's a Faith Hill song. It was in Practical Magic. It is really high, and you have to sing part of it fast. It's like 'They Both Reached for the Gun,' but higher." -- Wing Chun] They immediately call her back.
KC Cherie Powell, twenty, Atlanta is wailing the hell out of "I'm Every Woman," beating it up like the stepchild that broke the good China bowl. She's using the Stiff Flappy Arms of Vocal Breakdown. She's also wearing on her neck the White Rose of She's Got To Be Kidding Me. Jennifer can handle this one: "We feel like your voice isn't quite there." I don't even know how her voice got her this far. What were they thinking yesterday? Maybe they learned not to look directly into the rose this time.
T.V. Carpio, nineteen, New York City, "Genie In A Bottle." From KC to T.V., your initials aren't going to make you J. Lo, girlies. T.V. has some serious choreography going on here, with the "Walk Like An Egyptian" Eye Movements and the Masturbation Simulation Cheek Stroke. Travis calls her back.
Oh, my golly. They've let a Retin-A baby get into the callbacks, somehow. Tracie McClure, twenty-three, Atlanta, is singing "Unbreak My Heart" and I have to talk to the cops now because someone filed a noise complaint. Oh, it was the Viper Room, complaining about the Skank level in my house. Tracie is wearing some purple dress with these Diamondelle droopy things hanging from her neck. She sings with such anger and ear-piercing atrocity that when she's done there's this visible echo and my ottoman is rattling. "Thank you," Travis says, when the debris settles. Jaymes handles her, as it looks like Tracie might bite one of their heads off: "I think that you just don't have the pop sensibility that we're looking for." Nice way of saying, "You're the scariest girl we've ever seen and the only reason we gave you a callback was so that you didn't come back today and kill us. We'll be leaving your scary town now. Just back away quietly. And please take all nine feet of your forehead with you. Thanks."
Reading Rainbow swipe. Cynthia Vallon, twenty-one, is wearing some sort of matching blue denim outfit. I think the jeans and the jean jacket boast white stars. I think. I can't tell. Oh, and white spiked sandles. With the thong. Mmm, that's good fashion. The judges are all chummy with her, but we've totally seen her scene already on the trailer from last week. Cynthia is a phone-sex operator. Oh, maybe it's tie-dyed, or acid-washed denim. Travis pretends he's calling her up, and Cynthia has to go into her Girl 6 routine for him. When Cynthia tells him she's just got her "t-shirt and some panties" on, Jaymes looks back at someone, clearly saying, "Where's my latte?" as the other two break into laughter and applause. Jaymes finally starts clapping, too.
Cynthia sings "Unbreak My Heart." She's good. Jaymes then says, "You have a very strong voice. Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to invite you back, as much as we'd like to. And we thank you for coming." This is because sweet Cynthia isn't a twig. Robbed! Robbed like the price per minute her company charges! Not that I'd know.
Outside, Cynthia tells us she didn't make it. She's smiling, but says she's a little discouraged. "I thought I'd make it." But she's clearly got a good head on her shoulders. "I'm gonna go home and eat something," she says.
Reading Rainbow swipe. We're back to Nikki "Shut Up! Karaoke DJ Is A Real Job, Y'all!" McKibbin, twenty-one, the single mom from Dallas with the tattoos and the bleach blonde hair. Today she's fashioning a ponytail on the top of her head. She sings "I'm Every Woman" as if it's "Amazing Grace." Jennifer brings up Nikki's son. Jaymes asks how Nikki would handle moving to L.A. if she got into the group. Nikki says that her baby's daddy is still in Dallas, and the kid's "great grandparents" would be around to raise him and she'd give them temporary custody. Dude. That's her baby's daddy's grandparents. Screw Jangela, this girl's the one worried about her trailer. She says it'd be hard to not be with her son, but it's better for his future if she gets this opportunity. They usher her to the silent star as we break for commercial...but not before the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun!
Where the hell is Jangela and her U-Haul, anyway? And what happened to pretty Alexandra? What about Jean, the student? We're running out of time! Where's Bea?
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. We see Nikki sing again. Jaymes says that Nikki is the best singer they've had in Dallas so far. "I think it's very interesting that she's already talked about how she'd handle her child and give, give custody to the grandparents." Well, that's what you were looking for, right, Jaymes? People taking this seriously? "You still never know," Jennifer says out of the blue. Does that mean you don't know if you'll make it, or that you don't know if she's really planning on giving the grandparents custody? They call Nikki back and tell her that they love her voice. Jennifer says that they're concerned about the child, since she'd have to spend so much time away from him. They bring her back anyway. Nikki rejoices outside the audition room.
Reading Rainbow swipe. Oh, this narrator. "The process is difficult no matter what the outcome. And the girls continue to give it their all for the chance of a lifetime." Tell me, what does that sentence add to the show at all? Really. Anyway, girls are dancing, hugging and cheering, but we don't know who they are.
Reading Rainbow swipe. Sounds come out of my television and my eyelids involuntarily wince. Oh, hello, Jangela. Now, I don't care if Jangela's been visiting my forum, and maybe we have shared an email experience, but I'm going Jaymes on her this time. I'm pissy that we followed her story so closely just because she had a U-Haul. Jangela is singing "Unbreak My Heart." As soon as Jangela stops singing, they call her back. Wait! What does that mean for the U-Haul? You can't just end the story there! Dammit. They wasted so many minutes of my life last week.
Woohoo! It's Bea Talplacido, nineteen, the Sassy Aguilera singer of my soul. She's busting out the "Genie In a Bottle" today, and she's got on a do-rag and a tiny little halter. I think she's wearing a scrunci on each wrist. They invite her back immediately.
Sabrina Rodriguez, twenty-five, Miami. We've never seen her before. I have no idea what she's singing. Oh, my God, it's supposed to be "Genie In A Bottle." Clearly, she's never heard of this song in her life and just made up some notes to go along with the words. Travis says my favorite line of the episode: "Sorry, we're gonna, you know, pass." It's the "you know" that kills me.
Hey, hey, Miss Tiffinni Ranae, why you wanna hurt my spellchecker this way? Hatchet Face is wearing the Pink Sheer Feathery Fur Thing of Fun. Dude, seriously. This might really be Hatchet Face, and John Waters is behind this entire audition. To my sheer delight, even though I have no idea what Tiffinni just sang, they call her back. Tiffinni is just as shocked as the rest of the nation.
Christina Sichta, twenty-six, just broke both speakers in my house. It doesn't so much sound like she's singing, as much as it sounds like there are two men ripping her legs off at the knees. She's "Every Woman" that's ever been through labor. !
Reading Rainbow swipe. A blonde says that she's nervous, but ready. A young boy who makes a rather pretty girl but clearly is a boy says he'd like to just get it over with. No, really, this is one low-voiced individual.
Reading Rainbow swipe. Lisa Molina, twenty-one, New York City, is new to us here. She's got a big Sputnik head and a little thin body. But the Lollipop Head look is really in, so she's already got a chance. She's dragging out "I'm Every Woman" to a five-minute song. She's also wearing a silver sequined headband as a belt. That's two strikes against her, as far as I'm concerned. But she's a little awkward, so I kinda like her. She stands to the side looking as much like Mayim Bialik as she can while Travis tells her that they're really looking for people with stage presence. "We didn't find that with you." He says they're not bringing her back. "You sing really well," Jaymes says with the pity face on. "You really do," Jaymes says. Lisa says she wishes she knew more of what they were looking for. Jaymes makes the "Not You" face and says, "Well." "That's okay," Lisa says. Uncomfortable.
Outside the audition room, Lisa is holding a bottle of the staple of any vocal audition: Coca-Cola Classic. She's also holding court. "They're like, 'Thank you so much for coming in. You know. We congratulate you on getting this far. But, unfortunately, we're looking for people with more of a bubbly personality.'" Cut to later in her conversation, where she says, "I didn't know, that, uh, you know, an audition is going to be based on your personality and not talent. I didn't know I was supposed to have like my, long-lost friend buddy conversation with the people that don't say anything to you from the beginning. You know what I'm saying?" And as much as I appreciate what you just said, Lisa, I think you're going to be perfect for the season of Road Rules. You know what I'm saying? It's called Showbiz, girl. Look it up. Under "Shallow" and "Unfair."
It bothers me that I'm getting good at this.
We see a close-up of a young girl with sad hair. The judges are going through her paperwork and Jaymes says that the girl has been in foster care her entire life. The music gets all "dramatic" on us. Travis starts reading out loud: "I'm on my own now, and paying bills is hard." Jaymes starts reading with him. "I need this," they say. Jaymes drops the paperwork like it's on fire and says, "Ew!" Christina Petty, ninteen, is her name. She traveled ten hours on a bus for this audition, and hasn't slept in two days. Well, I guess it was fatigue that led her to wear that neon pink tube top, and that's the only excuse I'll allow. Ditto on the dragon's fire tattoo on the arm. Or tribal art, or whatever.
Christina stands before the judges. Jennifer asks if she wants to put down the wadded-up piece of tissue in her hand. Christina says she'd rather hold it, since she's nervous. Boy, they want us to like her, don't they? Christina sings "I'm Every Woman" like it's the last thing she'll ever do before she dies on a bus. She's pretty good, but breathy and gaspy. Her voice breaks just a bit. Okay, here's where I'd insert the joke about being petty.
Jaymes asks her if she's ever taken any vocal lessons. Christina says she used to be in the church choir, but she doesn't go to church much anymore. Now I have a soft spot in my heart for Christina because she talks just like my younger sister. Christina says she's never had any lessons, and she was crying because she was nervous. She apologizes, and they tell her it's okay. The usher her over to the Silent Star. Jaymes says that Christina has a "cool street quality" that she likes. They bring her back over.
In a strange twist of editing, Jaymes asks how Christina thinks she'd handle herself in front of a real crowd instead of just three people. Christina, who knows how dumb a question that is, answers: "I mean, I can do it with practice. I mean, I am, I'm not as nervous anymore. I mean, I don't know. I just need practice, I guess. I, I, I haven't been exposed to, you know, singing in front of people that much." They tell her that they like they way she sings, and they want to call her back. She thanks them. "Now you can go cry again," Jaymes says with a flick of her wrist.
Outside, Christina gives a "yeah, Dog!" to her friend. She hugs her friend while in the split screen the judges are saying how great she was, even though she was nervous. Travis says it's great to find someone so passionate about it. "And she's cute," they say to finish off the evaluation. Can't always hold a note? You bettah be cute.
Reading Rainbow swipe. Shal Francis, twenty-one, Miami, is the last girl to audition and is singing "I Don't Wanna Wait." Oh, thank God we didn't hear hundreds of girls try this one. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ["Word. That song is hard. Fuck 'Genie in a Bottle,' man. Ask Joel. He was there when Sars and I sang it." -- Wing Chun] "So, what's the end of the song again?" Jaymes asks her. "Will it be yes, or will it be sorry," Shal says, like she had screwed up the song earlier. "Well, it's 'Yes,'" Jaymes says, and Shel freaks her shit out. She's jumping up and down, screaming her head off. She starts wandering around like Sally Field looking for medicine for Shelby.
The narrator tells us that Shel will be one of ninety-three girls coming back for the phase of the audition. Because there wasn't enough time, they just usher through the other names we know that also got a callback. Ana Maria "I Had the Navel and the Hips and My Family Has A Band" Lombo, Cheaza "Hair Disaster and Scenery Chewer" Figueroa, Camille "This Or Porn" Guaty, Nicole "Beyoncé" Scherzinger, Isadelle "Just One Sister" Mercedes, and Garland "This Time I Dressed Like Axl Rose" Gerber. Oh, this last narrator line is the best, though: "But for all the girls who auditioned and the judges, it'll be a day that none will soon forget." How true. We see people cheering and hugging. Some clips we've already seen, like Karen getting the boot. Pretty Alexandria cheers, so I guess she made it. High-five. The Rose Girl does the Funky Chicken. "All My Life" girl is still crying in the corner. Another girl struts. One sasses. Singing. "This is my dream," Alexis tells us again. Christina smiles and puts her snotrag to her face. Bea gives a dance of joy. The judges clap and laugh for the phone-sex operator. Cheering. Rejoicing. Kerrie's open mouth. Dancing girls. One dancing girl in a rainbow tank top. Scary girl, girl who broke my television, girl wearing ugly angry blue tube top cries and walks away. Baby Norman, still annoying the shit out of me. Tiffinni, being Hatchet Facey, and cool. Lisa, laughing it off. Rosanna Taverez, the Robert Palmer girl, smiles at us. Dancing girl. Shiny Happy Kelley jumps into the air like a trout out of water. Dancing girls. One young girl we've never seen before beams into the camera, "I made it, Mama! I made it!"
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. time it's the dancing auditions. Oh, man. That's gonna be fun. Guess who's front and center? That's right, Miss Pigtail-Problem Ikette Thang. Travis has busted out his special purple striped sweater and leather pants for this occasion. The girls are grinding on the camera more than an episode of, well, The Grind. Christina is no longer shy. The Robert Palmer girl still scares me, and the Ikette gets a solo. Hip, hip, belly button, hip. After the dance audition, they'll break into groups and sing as an ensemble. After that, the judges will decide which twenty-five girls get to go to Los Angeles. "Everyone will get a call." We see groups of blonde girls answering telephones in their home. "For some, the dream of popstardom will be over. But for a lucky few, it's the final step to making their dream a reality." A girl screams into Jaymes's answering machine for about thirty seconds.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some of my own screaming to do.